Hooray! Ron Paul Wins CPAC Straw Poll For The Chance To Be President...Of Losing To Obama

Woohoo, wingnut America!

After three days of endless shrieking and shouting about the bountiful beauty of trickle down economics (make it rain, Ronnie Reagan, make it rain!), the unspeakable evils of a woman having rights over her own dumb, slutty body, and, of course, the insufferable Donald Trump going on and on about how much richer and better he is than you, I, or the rest of the dumb schlubs in attendance will ever be, the three-day freak fest of repressed homosexuality and poorly veiled insecurity, popularly known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, is finally over.

But no CPACapalooza for insane people would be complete without first determining which wonderful wingnut had the conservative cajones big enough (and white enough!) to win this year's meaningless CPAC straw poll for the twice-in-a-lifetime chance to run for President of Losing To Obama.

Drum roll please.....

And the winner is...the inimitable Doctor Ron Paul, whose second consecutive straw poll victory now makes him the undisputed champion of crazy conferences and two-term president of make believe.

Yay!

Let's see how the rest of the candidates stacked up, shall we?

Okay, so as you already know, Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul won his second non-scientific (but likely creationist!) straw poll, capturing 30% of the vote he bused in specifically for this very purpose. Ah, a true statesman and humble man of the people, that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul!

Next came ol' Mittens Romney, who much like last year (and the year before and the year before) came in an impressive second, managing to snag 23 percent of the vote, despite the difficult challenges of being both a Mormon and a Socialist health care loving liberal.

Nobody else even came close, with the rest of the esteemed losers candidates-to-be failing to so much as even crack double digits, including She-Ra Princess of Powder, Sarah Palin, who mustered up a measly 3 percent, despite declining the invite in order to wander aimlessly around Fox News making moose piles of money muttering made-up new words to insult Muslims.

Which was still good enough to beat bass-playing former bacon-double cheeseburger scarfing governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee, Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO no one's ever heard of, Herman Cain, and Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, despite his bestest attempts to appeal to the all-powerful, old, Southern whites-who-hate-black-people crowd. Maybe next year?

"It will tell the country a whole lot about the enthusiasm the young people have for liberty," a victorious Ron Paul said. Or at the very least, what handpicking hundreds, err make that, thousands of supporters from the congressman's Campaign for Liberty group and shipping the whole lot of of 'em off to Washington with "We Love Ron" buttons and #2 pencils can do for the cause.

But not everyone was quite so thrilled with the good doctor's orders to storm the party, and stuff the ballot box with loads o' libertarian love.

Like uber rich (and classy!) golden-haired muppet clown Donald Trump who invited himself to speak at the event and continue his delusions of grandeur that he is actually a viable candidate to do anything other than scream "you're fired!" at terrified underlings, like, say run for President of America.

Mr. Trump got lots of loud applause. But that turned into loud and extended boos after an audience member yelled the name of Ron Paul.
"By the way, Ron Paul cannot get elected, I'm sorry," he responded, prompting the negative response. "I like Ron Paul. I think he's a good guy. But really he has just zero chance of getting elected."

Which, incidentally, is just about the same number as Donnie's IQ.

Talk about coincidences!

"I was elected 11 times and somebody said, ‘Well, how many times has Donald Trump been elected?" Ron Paul said Monday on MSNBC's "Morning Joe." "Does he have really the right to criticize others and say they are unelect[able]?"

Is he rich, white, dumb, and have less than zero chance of unseating Barack Obama?

Nate Gunderson, a 34-year old Utah native who supports Romney, said Paul's tactics could diminish the significance of the annual contest. "If this happens year after year after year, people will stop caring about the straw poll." 

Ha ha, don't be silly Nate! Nobody cared about it in the first place.

“Am I bothered by the fact that Ron Paul stacked the deck? Not at all,” said Tom Medhurst, a 61-year-old Ohio native making his first visit to CPAC. “That’s politics, isn’t it?”

If you say so?

Not that any of this matters anyway, since the real winner won't be determined until the next round, when each candidate competes in the ever-important "Stomp on a Liberal Lady's Head" challenge, supervised by none other than the reigning champ of inappropriate physical violence aimed at defenseless citizens, Rep. Ron Paul's angrier, even more inexplicably rage-filled, similarly initialed, racist son Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky.

Finally, a real family values Republican everyone can get behind!

Or under.

Either one really.

2012 GOP Candidates As Diverse And Exciting As Their Ideas

In the vast wasteland that is the 2012 GOP presidential landscape, fresh-faced stars join seasoned statesman to create a powerful right-wing juggernaut designed to bring down NObama and the rest of those God-awful Democrats ruining America.

Now normally this would sound like a delightful plan to reinvigorate a hurting Grand Old Party and restore America's faith in the conservative movement by reclaiming their rightful place on vacation on a ranch in Texas in the White House.

Of course, this would require that the candidates are people voters actually think are competent enough to babysit their kids, let alone an entire nation, but with the elections three or so years away, who really has time for such formalities?

There's the always-compelling, perennial frontrunners (??) like Mittens Romney, Newt "Are You Morons Really Gonna Force Me To Run?" Gingrich, and formerly obese master of meaningless Iowa straw polls Mike Huckabee.

And let's not forget adorable, already-sparkling superstars like sexy, semi-retired multimillionaire Sarah Palin and nerdy, token minority Piyush "Bobby" Jindal whose charm and charisma is enough to make an AARP member want to grab the Bengay and boogie down.

Even Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty (who??) is getting in the game, casually ramping up his national profile by launching his political action committee "Freedom First" in order to travel the country talking to assorted teabaggers, secessionists, birthers and other nutjobs about how this secret Muslim President is destroying America by fixing its health care system and winning Nobel Peace Prizes.

"History proves that it is weakness, not strength, that tempts our enemies," Pawlenty said in an interview with Newsmax. "And he is projecting potential weakness, and enemies may see that and their respect may be reduced as a result of that, or worse."

Like they might even get a shoe chucked at their head??

Pawlenty also accused the president of being "extremely partisan in his approaches," particularly when it comes to pushing his socialist health care agenda.

"President Obama has governed in an extremely liberal way, and he hasn't accomplished many major initiatives, but the few that he has have been almost exclusively partisan," he said. "That defies what he said during the campaign and doesn't live up to that promise."

Obama has "a philosophy that government knows best, a nanny-state mentality on domestic issues that will ultimately be corrosive to the other pillars of our country - to markets, private enterprise, individual responsibility, freedom and liberty."

God damn you NObama! I mean can you believe the nerve of that guy? Thinking government knows best or even knows anything about how to run a country anywhere except straight into the ground is simply absurd!

One thing's for sure: George W. Bush certainly never had any delusions he could alter the course of history or that his decisions would have unanticipated consequences and far-reaching effects. Except of course on those few occasions when he was acting on behalf of a higher power as God's chosen messenger on Earth.