Praise Jesus! House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because Global Warming Is Just Another Elitist Liberal Lie

Rejoice America! Now that the Teapublicans have gone and taken America back from the evil Democratic scourge to regain rightful control of the House of Representatives, climate change is no more. Done, gone, finito, forever.

Woohoo!

Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming's top Republican and as such, one of the more vocal climate change deniers, announced they will be getting rid of the the committee when they take over, because now that the GOP is in power, climate change is a thing of the past! The lame, Democratic past, that is! Mwwhahahaha!

So why you wonder does this critical issue no longer need special congressional attention?

Duh! Because Republicans say so, that's why!

Turns out global warming never existed at all, except maybe in the minds of dumb Democrats, scientists around the world, the entire international community, and anyone else with half a brain instead of oil 'n sludge lodged between their ears. 

Why didn’t those silly Democrats just listen to the Republicans all along? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy swirling blue ball isn't warming up at all!

Whoopsies! What a hilarious blooper!

Of course, many of Sensenbrenner’s enlightened fellow Republicans were happy to see the committee scrapped.

“I think that if we’re looking for a good place to cut, not having this could be a good place to cut,” committee member Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), said, adding that, “I think that we’ve done a good job of proving that global warming is not a decided science.”

OMG totes! Same goes for that ridiculous monkeys-to-human thing. Suck it evolution! Darwin ain't got nothin' on Adam's Rib!

Luckily for the rest of us, Sensenbrenner promised to continue fighting the good fight to make sure other people in Congress don’t make this amusing little “climate change” mistake again.

But, noooooooo! Apparently some people, like the now-dead committee’s Democratic Chairman, Ed Markey, just don’t see what a terrible blunder they’re making here.

“We are not going away because the problems that climate change presents are too dangerous too urgent for us to disappear into the abyss of cynicism and loss,” Markey said. “We are not going away because China, India, and Germany are not going away as competitors for global energy dominance. We are not going away because the national security threats from our continued dependence on foreign oil are not going away.”

Oh, Markey! They're probably just playing peek-a-boo.

“The politics may change but the problems have not changed,” Markey said. “The problems still need to be remedied by legislative action that comes from the United States Congress.”

Whoa, whoa, not anymore, Ed! Didn't you get the memo? Magic Jesus will be calling the shots nowadays!

Meanwhile, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.), who serves on the panel, called it a “travesty” that Republicans decided to axe the committee, saying, “It’s the worst thing that could happen.”

Get a grip, Cleaver! Besides, look on the bright side, the House Select Committee on Saving The Millionaires and Naming Stuff After Reagan isn't going anywhere.

Environmental attorney Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said the decision is “not just a catastrophe for global warming but it’s a catastrophe for national security...We have got to make sure to try to educate the Republicans, and to the extent they can’t be educated, to take Congress back.”

Ummm, yeah, good luck with that. They already called No Indian Giving! Err, wait, or was it just No Indians?? I can never keep it straight!

In other breaking congressional news, the sun revolves around the earth, which is flat. And, also if global warming did exist, it can simply be fixed with tax cuts for the rich. It says so in the bible!

Survival of the fittest? Ha ha, not anymore, my friends. This is the Republican's House, remember? More like survival of the dimwittedness!

Is The 5th Time A Charm For Joe Lieberman's Climate Bill To Destroy Earth?

America's least popular Democrat-turned-Independent-turned pariah Sen. Joe Lieberman has managed to do the one thing he does best: piss everyone off!

So it is with this dual gift of petulance and spite that Joe "Wah Wah" Lieberman forges ahead in his quest to revive the already five-time-defeated House climate change bill in the less conservative Senate by increasing funding for coal and nuclear power plants, a move certain to appeal to those who believe "climate change" is really just a code-word for raping Mother Earth for all she's worth. Ca-chiiing!

People like go-it-alone Joe and his patriotic crew of Republican "friends" and legislators who quite frankly won't be voting for any climate change anything, but get a kick out of watching ol' Joe scramble around angering Democrats and other liberal lame-o's who want a climate change bill because of its alleged ability to actually change the climate, as in the opposite of polluting the hell out of it.

While Joe's special climate change bill does include plenty of sweet perks to coal companies and the nuclear power industry (which also makes Republicans HOT!), its chances of passing in Congress appear bleak, since it is despised by most Dems and everyone else who would like to see the planet survive beyond their senate term.

“I don’t think we’re going to [pass a bill] without bipartisan support,” Lieberman whined. “And without a nuclear title that’s stronger than in the House climate change legislation, we’re not going to be able to get enough votes to pass climate change.”

Or at least not the kind that suffocates any and all oxygen-breathing organisms in its reach with a noxious blend of fossil fuels, greenhouse gas, a dash of Republican insincerity and greed, and a nice, hearty dose of the one-of-a-kind stupidity that is Mr. "Independent" Joe Lieberman.

Feeling The Heat: G-8 Leaders Agree To Slow Down Assault On Mother Earth

OMG! The United States and the other seven richest economies responsible for turning the world into a CO2-filled, polar bear-less wasteland have finally agreed to stop their lucrative global assault on Mother Earth. Sort of.

For the first time ever, leaders from the Group of Eight industrialized countries agreed to the goal? of keeping the world's average temperature from rising more than 2C (3.6F). Yeah!!

However, any hopes for an international agreement to slash Earth-murdering greenhouse gas emissions by 80 percent by 2050 were scrapped by China and India's refusal to help the atmosphere by hurting their own precious, growing economies.

Despite the mixed results, the latest deal--made possible by America's change in stance since electing someone with a brain to be president instead of a guy it'd be fun to have a beer with--was hailed by leaders as a historic moment in the global fight to save the planet from certain man-made doom!

Just ask British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. He's as excited as an English dude gets!

“Today in Italy we have laid the foundations for a Copenhagen deal that is ambitious, fair and effective. The change from where we were two, three, four years ago is significant. The world has now agreed that the scientific evidence on climate change is compelling.”

In other words, homosexuality, abortion, and Jews are officially off the hook...for now.

Much Like Climate Change, John Boehner's Color Is Totally Natural

Orange-hued House Minority Leader John Boehner has a few choice words for that ridiculous climate change bill House Democrats passed over the weekend. As if climate change is anything more than a bunch of elitist Democratic hogwash designed to protect lazy, good-for-nothing polar bears instead of hard-working oil conglomerates. Plus, if it wasn't for all those holes in the ozone layer, how would John keep up his trademark sun-kissed radioactive glow?

So like any good Republican leader who loves God and hates science, Boehner spent an hour reading from the 1200-plus page bill because, “Hey, people deserve to know what's in this pile of shit."

Then they can decide for themselves if this pile of doggy do is worth their vote, which apparently 219 (including eight Republicans) figured it may in fact be.

Either that or they just wanted to see what color Johnny's face turns when he gets really angry.

Al Gore Spars With Newt Gingrich, GOP Over Earth's Right To Exist

Former vice president turned environmental warrior Al Gore is on a mission to make up for blowing the 2000 elections by single-handedly saving the planet from certain smog-filled doom.

Not content just sitting at home, polishing his Nobel Prize medal and Academy Award statuette with Tipper, Al took his climate change busting butt straight to Congress, where his dire warnings could get lost in a muddled haze of partisan squawking and Republican tomfoolery.

Gore, who called the bill "one of the most important pieces of legislation ever introduced," urged Congress to rise to the challenge and meet the climate crisis head-on.

"I wish I could find the words to get past the partisan divide that both sides have contributed to...It shouldn't be partisan. It should be something we do together in our national interest."
Not if former House Speaker and frontrunner for worst-named named legislator, Newt Gingrich, R-Ga., has anything to say about it.

Apparently, Newton "Newt" Leroy Gingrich has decided to come out of retirement after his brave Clinton-bashing years opposing any and all legislative policies and executive blow jobs as Republican Speaker of the House.

But he still remembers all the old tricks.

Like how the Democratic proposal to reduce greenhouse gases is a ploy designed to hurt the American people.

"This bill is an energy tax. An energy tax punishes senior citizens, it punishes rural Americans, if you use electricity it punishes you. This bill will increase your cost of living and may kill your job."

But hey, at least your grandchildren will still have a planet.