Deck The Halls With Greed & Sorrow, Santa Clause-Killing Repubs Are Coming To Town!

Forget the pesky equal-rights demanding gays or the gross poors, this time the ever-righteous, morally pure Grand Old Prophets of Divinity here on Earth have turned their seething, beautifully white hot, perfectly rational rage towards a much more cunning adversary: the Godless n'er-do-well Democrats.

Ugh, the nerve of those bastards trying to actually get critical legislation passed during what was supposed to be a lame duck Congress of fun and  frivolity!

Luckily for the rest of us in real America, fearless leaders heroes like Republicans Senators Jim DeMint of South Carolina and Jon Kyl of Arizona will not just stand idly by while Democrats' desecrate the Holy Spirit of Halo III and insufferable, recycled RomCom box office busts with such legislative tomfoolery, like the silly omnibus spending bill to fund dumb government for another year, repealing the discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy permitting gross gays and lezzies to get blown up by roadside IEDs like normal, decent, straight Americans, or signing some terrible, pussy new START nuclear arms treaty with Russia.

This aggression cannot stand!

Enraged by the Democrats' pre-Christmas push to actually get some shit accomplished for once in their miserable, pathetic lives, Sen. Jim DeMint  blasted the move as "sacrilegious," and warned he'd draw the process out to wage his objections.

"You can't jam a major arms control treaty right before Christmas," the less-than-fresh, increasingly bitter Sen. Jim DeMint told POLITICO. "What's going on here is just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. They did the same thing last year - they kept everybody here until (Christmas Eve) to force something down everybody's throat. I think Americans are sick of this."

Of course, they could be sick from all the toxic smoke and debris inhaled by 9/11 First Responders lacking adequate health care since Republicans simply cannot justify funding these freeloaders while poor, suffering millionaires, barons and heiresses face the terrifying injustice of a marginal tax increase they'll never need, miss nor so much as notice anyway.

This is a matter of principles, God damn it, and if there's one thing Republicans don't compromise on, it's principles!

Principles like the dignity of denying 9/11 emergency workers adequate care for their heroic efforts during a national tragedy, compassion for billionaire CEOs in danger of losing their cushy billion dollar bonuses, and of course deep concern for their own, hard-earned, well-deserved paid vacation time to celebrate the miraculous birth of their favoritest immaculately conceived precious li'l bundle of divinity, baby Jesus.

Like Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) who simply cannot stay silent while dastardly Democrats try to complete a busy lame duck agenda by dancing like wild Injuns around the swaddled Savior in his miracle manger.

"It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out," Sen. Jon Kyl said, "frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff."

So true! But even a dumb old Mormon like Harry Reid knows disrespecting baby Jesus is better than disrespecting the Resurrected Jesus because HE is no longer Jewish, and thus infinitely better.

"As a Christian, no one has to remind me of the importance of Christmas for all of the Christian faith, all their families across America," Harry Reid said. "I don’t need to hear the sanctimonious lectures of Sens. Kyl and DeMint to remind me of what Christmas means."

"Where were their concerns about Christmas [when they were posing] filibuster after filibuster of every piece of legislation during this entire Congress?" Reid asked on the Senate floor this afternoon.

Ummm, probably out getting plastered with Santa and the rest of those red-nosed reindeer sluts, colored savages, and sodomite soldiers spreading Seasons Greetings, smart bombs, and STDs across the land in sinful secular spirit.

Forget What Jesus Would Do. I'll tell you What Jesus Wouldn't Do. And that's enact some pussy Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty that would bring us closer to 'peace on earth,' or do anything to help ease the pain and suffering of those less fortunate than, say, the Fortune 500.

After all, 'tis the Season to be Jolly Wretched.

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Nobody Knows How To Shake Up, Dumb Down, Or Screw Over An Election Quite Like South Carolina!

Well done, South Carolina, well done! You have surpassed even the lowest, most pathetic expectations to solidify a sullied hallowed place in South Carolina's great political hall of shame.

This is no small feat! Especially in good ol' South Carolina, where Republican governors hike Appalachian Trails to wild extra-marital sex with hot Argentine mistresses, sexy Republican gubernatorial hopefuls bang bloggers, political rivals, and basically anyone who is not their husband, and of course, unemployed, accused sex offenders who may or may not be mentally retarded win Democratic Senate primaries. Hooray!

So, sorry Texas, Arizona, Alabama, and the rest of the red-headed stepstates whose valiant efforts to oust North Carolina's parasitic twin from its well-earned perch high atop the nut tree as the undisputed king of the crazies fell just a wee bit short.

Oh, South Carolina you make us proud! No one waltzes in and steals your dysfunctional thunder without putting up a fight first. They've get pride, people!

So much pride in fact, that they happily elect an unemployed black man with zero political experience, still living with his 81-year-old father, whose ability to actually sign up for an election, pay the $10,000 fee, and have his name come first on the ballot was more than enough to dazzle the voters.

This is the irresistible charm of South Carolina, my friends!

According to the AP:

"Greene stunned state Democratic Party leaders by winning the nomination. He raised no money and put up no campaign website. He beat former four-term state lawmaker Vic Rawl, 64, who had raised about $186,000 and had to abruptly scrap a late-week fundraiser for the fall."

"Alvin Greene says he’s a 13-year veteran of both the Army and the Air Force, but he’s been out of the military and unemployed since last year."

Not to mention, that sentence is far more coherent than anything Greene has actually been quoted as saying, because there is serious suspicion that the poor fellow is indeed brain damaged. And not a metaphorical "crazy," like Kentucky fried wingnut Rand Paul, but more like his brain is damaged, medically.

Sort of like how in movies, the bad guys find some dumb borderline-retarded schmuck to do their dirty work, and someone says the obligatory line, "He's so stupid. He's perfect." or "It's so crazy, it just might work!" while fiendishly rubbing their hands together.

Well, in this case, just substitute "movies" for "South Carolina" and "token loser/lovable Lenny-type" with real-life lovable loser Alvin Greene.

"I'm the Democratic Party nominee," Greene said in an interview at his father's home on a lonely stretch of rural highway in central South Carolina. "The people have spoken. The people of South Carolina have spoken. The people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro-South Carolina. The people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro-South Carolina."

Wait, what?!? Err, oh, nevermind. Does it even matter anyway?

Yeah, so Greene was also "involuntarily" honorably discharged from the army (not sketchy at all) and recently arrested and charged with a felony charge of obscenity for creeping out some college chick with porno pics and an unwelcome invite to accompany her back to her dorm like the true South Carolina sex offender gentleman he is.

Naturally, when asked by reporters about the sex-creep felony charges he faces, Greene hung up the phone. Dude's one smooooooth operator.

But either way, speculation continues regarding how this guy, who possesses neither a computer nor a cell phone, nor apparently the ability to formulate so much as a single coherent sentence suddenly morphs into a supernatural ELECTION-WINNING MACHINE, capturing over 100,000 votes.

Even if they were just South Carolina votes.

So, of course a lot of folks assume that he's some kind of plant by the Republican Party, which seems insane, or at least as insane as a 32-year-old unknown unemployed veteran, both incoherent and obviously incompetent, who made no campaign appearances, has no campaign organization and mysteriously paid the $10,400 filing fee out of his own pocket was able to handily defeat his much more-qualified opponent by no less than 16 points.

How this happened exactly (foul play, his name starting with A, South Carolina being well, South Carolina?) is unclear. What is clear, is that however way he won, Alvin Greene put as little effort into it as possible.

Imagine what he could have done if he had even so much as tried to win.

Just think of the possibilities if Greene had taken his platform of shoving porn in college girls' faces directly to the good people of South Carolina!

Why, his margin of victory could have been off-the-charts, of almost mythical proportion! The dude could have been legendary. Like $arah Palin legendary, even!

If not convicted and put in prison before the general election (keep your fingers crossed!), Alvin Greene will face incumbent wingnut Republican Senator Jim DeMint in November, where he will almost certainly lose by some stunningly humiliating margin, like any actual Democratic, carbon-based being not named Jim DeMint would.

Unless, all Greene needs to do is sign up for an election to win it.

Then perhaps Jim DeMint should be worried.

Does South Carolina have a place in its heart for a young, black, inexplicably unemployed, possibly perverted shut-in of mysterious origins with no political experience or actual knowledge we can discern, who might also be mentally retarded?

Hell, do you even have to ask? This is South Carolina, y'all!!!!!!