Deck The Halls With Greed & Sorrow, Santa Clause-Killing Repubs Are Coming To Town!

Forget the pesky equal-rights demanding gays or the gross poors, this time the ever-righteous, morally pure Grand Old Prophets of Divinity here on Earth have turned their seething, beautifully white hot, perfectly rational rage towards a much more cunning adversary: the Godless n'er-do-well Democrats.

Ugh, the nerve of those bastards trying to actually get critical legislation passed during what was supposed to be a lame duck Congress of fun and  frivolity!

Luckily for the rest of us in real America, fearless leaders heroes like Republicans Senators Jim DeMint of South Carolina and Jon Kyl of Arizona will not just stand idly by while Democrats' desecrate the Holy Spirit of Halo III and insufferable, recycled RomCom box office busts with such legislative tomfoolery, like the silly omnibus spending bill to fund dumb government for another year, repealing the discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy permitting gross gays and lezzies to get blown up by roadside IEDs like normal, decent, straight Americans, or signing some terrible, pussy new START nuclear arms treaty with Russia.

This aggression cannot stand!

Enraged by the Democrats' pre-Christmas push to actually get some shit accomplished for once in their miserable, pathetic lives, Sen. Jim DeMint  blasted the move as "sacrilegious," and warned he'd draw the process out to wage his objections.

"You can't jam a major arms control treaty right before Christmas," the less-than-fresh, increasingly bitter Sen. Jim DeMint told POLITICO. "What's going on here is just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. They did the same thing last year - they kept everybody here until (Christmas Eve) to force something down everybody's throat. I think Americans are sick of this."

Of course, they could be sick from all the toxic smoke and debris inhaled by 9/11 First Responders lacking adequate health care since Republicans simply cannot justify funding these freeloaders while poor, suffering millionaires, barons and heiresses face the terrifying injustice of a marginal tax increase they'll never need, miss nor so much as notice anyway.

This is a matter of principles, God damn it, and if there's one thing Republicans don't compromise on, it's principles!

Principles like the dignity of denying 9/11 emergency workers adequate care for their heroic efforts during a national tragedy, compassion for billionaire CEOs in danger of losing their cushy billion dollar bonuses, and of course deep concern for their own, hard-earned, well-deserved paid vacation time to celebrate the miraculous birth of their favoritest immaculately conceived precious li'l bundle of divinity, baby Jesus.

Like Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) who simply cannot stay silent while dastardly Democrats try to complete a busy lame duck agenda by dancing like wild Injuns around the swaddled Savior in his miracle manger.

"It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out," Sen. Jon Kyl said, "frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff."

So true! But even a dumb old Mormon like Harry Reid knows disrespecting baby Jesus is better than disrespecting the Resurrected Jesus because HE is no longer Jewish, and thus infinitely better.

"As a Christian, no one has to remind me of the importance of Christmas for all of the Christian faith, all their families across America," Harry Reid said. "I don’t need to hear the sanctimonious lectures of Sens. Kyl and DeMint to remind me of what Christmas means."

"Where were their concerns about Christmas [when they were posing] filibuster after filibuster of every piece of legislation during this entire Congress?" Reid asked on the Senate floor this afternoon.

Ummm, probably out getting plastered with Santa and the rest of those red-nosed reindeer sluts, colored savages, and sodomite soldiers spreading Seasons Greetings, smart bombs, and STDs across the land in sinful secular spirit.

Forget What Jesus Would Do. I'll tell you What Jesus Wouldn't Do. And that's enact some pussy Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty that would bring us closer to 'peace on earth,' or do anything to help ease the pain and suffering of those less fortunate than, say, the Fortune 500.

After all, 'tis the Season to be Jolly Wretched.

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

No Rest For The Weary: Obama and Co. Return Home From Hawaii

Well, well is this anyway to spend a vacation? Suddenly Mr. President of slacking thinks it's just fine to eat snow cones and spend time with his family while the rest of us losers are left freezing, bored, and terrified that the only thing separating us from fiery death 20,000ft above ground isn't our top notch homeland security, but rather the incompetence of a single virgin-crazed Nigerian.

At least Rush Limbaugh had the common decency to have a heart attack during his Hawaiian vacation.

Not our playboy president. Instead, spending fun-filled hours in the sun talking to NSC chief of staff Denis McDonough and Homeland security and counterterrorism adviser John Brennan about the Christmas Day bomber that failed to properly explode and how in Allah's name this al-Qaeda wannabe on the no-fly list managed to mosey his way onto a flight with some explosives in his undies and no one batted an eye until he turned into a badly burned bag of gourmet Jiffy Pop.


So welcome home, lazybones.

At least our last President knew how to take a vacation like a real, responsible commander-in-chief. It's the remaining 250 days a year that gave him trouble.

Jenny Sanford Spreads the Holiday Cheer With Some Nice, Old Fashioned Divorce Papers

Did Babs Walters' 10 most fascinating people special push Jenny Sanford over the edge by reminding her of that dumb, still-husband of hers Mark Sanford, whose compass famously navigated him from the innocent trails of the Appalachians to the smooth, welcoming arms of his Latina lover 3,000 miles away in Buenos Aires?

Could be. What we do know however, is that either way, the intelligent, likable half of the Sanford clan, Jenny Sanford has filed for divorce from her famed nature-loving adventurist poet governor hubby Mark despite his tear-filled pleas about how getting caught secretly banging South American mistresses is really just an innocent test from God.

As will the next remarkably curvy, perfectly well-endowed test from Above and the one after that and the one after that, and so on and so forth until he has firmly proved his faith to God by gratuitously cheating on his long-suffering wife Jenny and shirking his responsibilities to the good people of South Carolina.

As so many of us know, the dissolution of any marriage is a sad and painful process. It is also a very personal and private one. Because Mark and I are public figures, we have naturally had less privacy with which to deal with our difficulties than do other couples. Indeed, I know it will soon become known so I choose to release this brief notice that I am now filing for divorce. This came after many unsuccessful efforts at reconciliation, yet I am still dedicated to keeping the process that lies ahead peaceful for our family.

I remain thankful to so many across this state and nation for their words of encouragement and prayers during this difficult time. Please know the boys and I are doing well and are blessed with the incredible support of friends and family and bolstered by our faith and the unfailing love of our God above.

Now, may He strike down upon thee (cheating husband) with great vengeance and furious anger so you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. Amen.

Oh, and Merry Christmas or shall we say, Feliz Navidad.

Don't you just love this time of year?