Sarah Palin Is Confident She Can Beat Barack Obama; Good Thing Sarah Palin's Reality Only Exists On TV

OMG America, did you hear the awesome, exciting, Earth-shattering news?? Sarah Louise Palin, the Sarah Louise Palin of the Snowy North, is "seriously considering" running for President of the world in 2012!?

WOOHOO!!!

Oh, and no need to wish her luck either because SarBear is simply positive she'll have no trouble beating that no-good Barack NObama has-been come election time. Mama Grizzly to the rescue!

We know this, of course, because sweet Sarah took a five minute break from her pre-scripted, faux reality teevee existence shrieking 'bout freedom while kayaking with feral Grizzly bears on a melting Alaskan ice glacier to go on a different teevee show, just so she could let Barbara Walters and the whole wide world know how, in in the deep, dark vast frozen Arctic nothingness that is her mind, she is confident she can unseat Barack Obama (from his throne) and return America to its glory days of war, bankruptcy and dumb white presidents with half a brain who suspiciously mispronounce alarmingly simple words.

Is Sarah Palin qualified to be president? Ummm, well, no, not really at all, except in the sense that she is technically, a human being born in the "United States," since the abandoned frozen meth lab known as her hometown Wasilla is still apparently part of America.

What Sarah is qualified to do, however, is appear on as many teevee shows, gossip blogs, Fox News programs, newspapers, and lamestream media outlets as is physically possible for an unemployed grifter with no actual skills to speak of except the unique ability to irritate just about everyone with a working pulse to cram into a single day.

Like Barbara Walters for instance:

"I'm looking at the lay of the land now, and ... trying to figure that out, if it's a good thing for the country, for the discourse, for my family, if it's a good thing," Palin said in an interview as part of Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People" of 2010.
Asked Walters: "If you ran for president, could you beat Barack Obama?"
"I believe so," Palin said.

For what it's worth, she also believes that refudiate is a word and Jesus created the world with a wink, "you betcha!" and single, powerful wave of his magic oil-coated miracle wand.

It could be that Sarah is simply confusing "running for president" with "starring in some dumb reality teevee show" when she expressed the belief that she, Sarah Louise could defeat Barack Hussein in anything, let alone an actual election, instead of, say, Nielsen sweeps week.

But would sweet Sarah really abandon her simple, snowbilly lifestyle and quit bein' free on her Alaskan teevee show to do something silly and unimportant like run for president? Because everyone knows, quit is not a word S.P. uses on Twitter, Facebook, or anywhere else she conducts her very substantive policy debates in 140 characters or less.

"I’m engaged in the internal deliberations candidly, and having that discussion with my family, because my family is the most important consideration here," Sarah said.

That's right. Sarah's decision to waste everyone's time running for (and losing!) the presidency is one that will be made by her family, the single most importantest thing in the world for her to parade around, exploit, dress in gorilla costume on primetime tv, and make even more moose piles of money off of, like a real American patriot.

But just in case Sarah isn't just spewing whatever nonsense pops into her vapid, petty mind so people will still pay attention to her, and is actually seriously contemplating a White House bid, perhaps we, the public, can help her decide whether her hypothetical candidacy for President is a "good thing" for "the country" (it's not), a good thing for "the discourse" (whatever that means, still, nope though), or a good thing for her "family" (eh, probably not good for them either, but seriously, who even knows what's best for Willow, Bristol and the other weirdly named Palin spawn at this point. Suicide? Exile? Chastity belts?).

All America needs to do to realize why this country needs Sarah Barracuda at its next President is to check out the new pages from her forthcoming memoir/abortion of the written word, America By Heart, leaked by the terrible, elitist arugula eating lamestream media, where Sarah proves her presidential worth by ranting against immoral, "self-esteem-enhanced but talent deprived" reality TV stars not named Bristol, while celebrating  former pregnant teenage sluts turned abstinence crusaders named Bristol, and of course, her favoritest thing in the world (other than herself!): not aborting special needs precious li'l miracles named Trig.

But sometimes undeserved fame and fortune can be sooooooo difficult!

"Let's just go back to Wasilla and stop feeding the media beast," Sarah imagines herself saying in her new picture book for patriots. "Let's give ourselves and our family a break."

Noooooooooo! Please, please Sarah! All of America, no, make that the world, is begging you, pleading with you to stay in the Godless Lower 48, so we can have the privilege of marveling at Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin's National Reality Teevee Fantasy Extravaganza in which America is the bestest, most freedom-lovingest, God-blessed nation ever to grace the face of the Earth that can smart-bomb all the gross, dirty Muslims our collective star 'n striped hearts desire.

Because you betcha Sarah will not be silenced!

She will continue goin' on teevee, fightin' for fetuses to get their very own not-at-all bizarre "I'm glad you're here" book dedications from their proud mothers congratulating these soon-to-be-birthed special needs miracles on earning the right to exit their mother's wombs so they too can be exploited for mama's personal and professional gain.

Because if it’s good Television, it’s good for America.

And even Sarah knows you can't spell America without "ME."

President Obama Hopes A Li'l History-Making Daytime Chat With The Ladies (Oh & Whoopi Too!) Will Provide A Rosier View Of Things

What do you do when you're the once-charming, suddenly unpopular, most powerful person in all the world?

Why, you go on ABC's popular teevee show with the three ladies and that one insane, talking muumuu named Whoopi or Whopper or whatever, and pray to the television gods that Babs Walters, unemployed homemakers, and orgasm-inducing shampoo commercials are just the magic touch needed to restore all that hopey-changey feel goodness of your 2008 View-fueled Mojo!

Who needs leaked Afghan memos, endless, boring Republican obstructionism, or renegade racist states like Aryanzona when you can make history simply by wasting an hour on daytime television??

“We are so pleased and honored that President Obama will be a guest on The View. The President last appeared on the program in March 2008 while he was still a Senator -- and First Lady Michelle Obama was a featured guest co-host in June 2008. This shows that both the President and First Lady feel that our show is an influential and important source of information and news."

I mean how could that adorable back-up quarterback's wife's Teabagger ramblings, cutesy fashion sense, and daily tear-filled musings on the Bachelor not be considered important news? She was on Survivor for Christ Sake!

Babs totally agrees.

In honor of this rare occasion, creator/executive producer and co-host of The View Barbara Walters will make an exclusive in-studio appearance to mark this historic hour. "I’m also going to appear on The View Thursday for the first time since my open heart surgery in May. I will return full-time in September.”

Apparently, an orange dwarf named Snooki and six-pack with an Italian accent known as the Situation weren't enough for Ms. Walters' to throw back her down-quilted covers, change out of her robe and slippers, freshen up her face, Aqua Net her hair to perfection, and make her first appearance on the show since taking a hiatus to recover from heart surgery.

Barry, on the other hand, is a different story altogether!

Totally beats last month's Skype® with Sherri and the gals!

SO get excited, daytime television watching, estrogen-filled America!!

It will be oodles of fun now that the gang's all here! Not to mention, the guest of all guests, Barry Hussein NObama! Which sure as hell beats that Kate + Eight lady talking about her new 'do and all the fun, creative ways she's cooked up (the one thing she can cook!) to exploit her litter o' kids on the telly now!

President Obama’s interview, scheduled to tape on Wednesday, July 28th, will feature such sizzling hot topics as his "administration's accomplishments, jobs, the economy, the Gulf oil spill, and family life inside the White House."

Ugh, but what about all the important stuff like what he thinks of Mel's recent tape-recorder woes, Bristol and Levi's surprise nuptials, and LinLo's jail time??

Surely, they'll leave enough time for that!

So long as Whoopi doesn't come all drugged out again, and start incoherently rambling about how "we don't know who or what or where" to explain why all the troubled famous people she's BFF with are in fact not the insane racists and wife-abusing bastards we all thought they were, Joy doesn't go into one of her "So What, Who Cares" monologues about sagging breasts, hot middle aged sex, and other such challenges facing aging, hilarious, red-headed NY comedians who love liberal presidents almost as much a nice Merlot, warm bath, and not being married, we might be okay.

Provided, of course, that Elizabeth doesn't start crying about how stem cells are people, and why everyone is ignoring her because she loves freedom, and Sherri doesn't pass out from being thisclose to a real, live flesh 'n blood brotha with a hot bod (hotter job) and positively heart-melting smile, who manages to balance raising two daughters with the rigorous demands of leading the free world, without even peacing out on his nagging, needy wife, it should be a lovely, lady-filled good time!

Ooooh, she even taped it so Jeffrey and her can watch mama talk to Obama later. And then again, alone, after Jeffrey's gone to bed when it's just her, some silk pajamas, a box of Chips Ahoy, an oatmeal and cucumber mask, and her new boyfriend Barry to lull her softly to sleep.

Ooooh sweet sufferin' Jesus, this is one fine motherf**kin' View!

Good Lord, yes! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, she always knew you were listening up there, girl!!

Ooooh weeeee!

Jenny Sanford Spreads the Holiday Cheer With Some Nice, Old Fashioned Divorce Papers

Did Babs Walters' 10 most fascinating people special push Jenny Sanford over the edge by reminding her of that dumb, still-husband of hers Mark Sanford, whose compass famously navigated him from the innocent trails of the Appalachians to the smooth, welcoming arms of his Latina lover 3,000 miles away in Buenos Aires?

Could be. What we do know however, is that either way, the intelligent, likable half of the Sanford clan, Jenny Sanford has filed for divorce from her famed nature-loving adventurist poet governor hubby Mark despite his tear-filled pleas about how getting caught secretly banging South American mistresses is really just an innocent test from God.

As will the next remarkably curvy, perfectly well-endowed test from Above and the one after that and the one after that, and so on and so forth until he has firmly proved his faith to God by gratuitously cheating on his long-suffering wife Jenny and shirking his responsibilities to the good people of South Carolina.

As so many of us know, the dissolution of any marriage is a sad and painful process. It is also a very personal and private one. Because Mark and I are public figures, we have naturally had less privacy with which to deal with our difficulties than do other couples. Indeed, I know it will soon become known so I choose to release this brief notice that I am now filing for divorce. This came after many unsuccessful efforts at reconciliation, yet I am still dedicated to keeping the process that lies ahead peaceful for our family.

I remain thankful to so many across this state and nation for their words of encouragement and prayers during this difficult time. Please know the boys and I are doing well and are blessed with the incredible support of friends and family and bolstered by our faith and the unfailing love of our God above.

Now, may He strike down upon thee (cheating husband) with great vengeance and furious anger so you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. Amen.

Oh, and Merry Christmas or shall we say, Feliz Navidad.

Don't you just love this time of year?