Michele Bachmann: Media Reporting All The Dumb Things I Say Either Proves Liberal Bias, Or That I Am Just An Idiot

Insane Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a few things. Okay, okay, so maybe not where the 1775 battles of Lexington and Concord were fought (Massachusetts, not New Hampshire) or even which state was the one with "the shot heard around the world," (Again, Massachusetts, not New Hampshire), or what the hell New Hampshire is anyway, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love America with all her Jesus-blessed star-spangled heart.

Psst, New Hampshire is the state where the United States Marines raised the flag at Iwo Jima, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon, and of course, Ronnie Reagan declared once and for all, for Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall!

"I made a mistake," she said. "I should've said Massachusetts instead of New Hampshire."

Coulda, shoulda, woulda!

It was an honest mistake, of course, one anyone could make, including a certain terrible no-good Socialist Muslim Terrorist from Kenya, but you would never know about that because "the 3,400 members of the mainstream media are a part of the Obama press contingent."

The God damn arugula eating liberal elitists!

Asked if she was surprised by news reports on her gaffe, Bachmann replied,  "No, not at all. We all know that there's a double standard in the media."

Aww snap! You better believe it!

Bachmann highlighted moments when President Barack Obama misspoke as a candidate. In one instance, in May 2008, then-Sen. Obama said, “Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.”
Later in the day, Obama told reporters that he misspoke.
Bachmann suggested that helps prove a liberal media bias.
“Of course, that wasn’t considered newsworthy,” she said of Obama’s remarks.

Ummm, really? Are you sure about that, Mich? Because that whole totally ignored-by-the-mainstream-media “Obama says there are 57 states” thing turns up about 15,900,000 results on Google. But, "Michele Bachmann is a nutjob" only yields about 36,100 Google search results. So, what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is going on??

This could only mean one thing: there is a widespread pro-Michele Bachmann bias in the evil, elitist Jew-run mainstream radical Muslim homosexual media, and Peter King and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots must immediately investigate all non-white skinned people, shoot all the dirty immigrants, and defund Planned Parenthood before NObama's roving Socialist death panels murder Grandma, the Constitution is replaced by the Koran, and every last U.S. citizen is sold into slavery under Sharia Law.

"So it doesn't matter which conservative is out there, if an error is made, in any way, that is what is stated. They didn't talk about the great crowds, the standing ovations, the wonderful time that we had in New Hampshire. And that is just the way that it goes."

Sigh...

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give to you the one and only, Michele Bachmann: "Making Sarah Palin Look Presidential Since 2010."

And that is just the way it goes!

Republican Congressional Hopeful Sean Bielat Knows Short Is The New Gay, So Speak Softly & Carry A Big (Measuring) Stick!

Republican congressional candidate Sean Bielat believes in two simple truths: the power of his own digitally crafted campaign ads of Barney Frank gay dancing across Massachusetts propelling him to certain election victory over that no-good, tax-lovin' liberal queer with a lisp, and his uncanny ability to apply simple logic to solve complex problems facing the nation, like say, what to do with those pesky gays and lezzies fighting so hard for the right to die for America like normal, decent straight men and women, who aren't just too damn attracted to the same sex to be able to honorably defend their nation's freedom by killing Muslims in parched foreign deserts in faraway lands.

"There's no absolute right to serve. Men under the height of 5 feet, 2 inches can't serve - I don't see anybody protesting. Where are the people standing in front of the White House, the short guys standing in front of the White House? You don't see it," Bielat said.

Ummm, that could be because they're all just too darn vertically challenged for the naked eye to actually see at all. But, I'm sure being the mental giant that he is, Bielat has an even better explanation.

"We understand that there's no absolute right to serve in all these other areas," Bielat said, apparently unaware of the massive crowd of five, not vertically, but mentally challenged Birthers protesting whatever it is obese white people protest (black presidents in their White House?) on the National Mall with Hitler signs.

What we don't see, however, is any petite li'l fellas handcuffing themselves to the White House in protest, because even they know well enough that they are too damn short and gross to participate in any warring activities like the rest of the convicted felons, high school dropouts, former drug addicts and honorable normal-sized American citizens openly serving their country as proud members of the U.S. Armed Forces.

So the moral of the story is: short people should be allowed to serve, just so long as they're not *openly* short. Just like gay people should be allowed to serve, so long as they're not *openly* gay.

You've heard of Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Well, this is more like Don't Ask, Don't Measure!

Hard to argue with airtight logic like that...

Errr, except for the tiny, insignificant fact that one group is physically limited in their ability to serve, while the other isn't so much physically limited as physically enjoys banging people of the same sex in their free time. Unless gay also means you have no arms, no legs, marbles instead of eyes, and are going straight to hell for having deviant sex with all the wrong penis-vagina ratios.

Or as the Boston Herald put it:

Hmm. ... On the other hand, vertically challenged people are not forced to pretend they're tall, then drummed out once it's discovered they're short in spite of their service record.

Then again, coming out as a wee li'l teeny-tiny, itty-bitty shrimp man or woman never had the whole "whoa, whoa, whoa, OMG REALLY??" factor.

Not to mention, big, flamboyant hair styles, secret boot lifts, extra thick heels, and vertical stripes never were the recommended methods for hiding your total gayness.

A much more sure-fire, effective way to pretend you're somebody you're not is simply to join the Republican Party.

No questions asked. Or, for that matter, answers given.

Because why Ask and Tell when you can just Lie and Yell?

Campaign for Equal Rights? Ha ha, more like the Campaign for Equal Heights!

The Democrats Brilliant New Health Care Strategy: Abandon Ship!

Well here's a new, terrible idea about how to proceed on health care that makes no sense, meaning it is only a matter of time before the lovely Democrats decide to run with it, full steam ahead!

In the wake of the Dems' embarrassing defeat at the hands of a Cosmo centerfold turned teabagging sensation in the arugula-eating gay mecca of Taxachusetts, Senate Health Committee Chairman Chris Dodd (D-CT) is suggesting that Democrats should "maybe take a breather for a month, six weeks" from health care reform, since the "much-needed break would allow lawmakers to regroup and focus on other issues."

Yes, that'll show 'em! Nothing shows strength, resolve and a united front in the face of adversity like running away screaming at the top of your lungs at the first sign of distress.

But, yes, everyone listen to Chris Dodo head because what better time to make a mad dash away from health reform than before anything is actually accomplished? That way, when you fail, at least you can say you didn't try that hard!

Plus, just think of all the momentum you'll have from your wild sprint from health care to tackle all those other pressing "issues" like bank regulation and Wall street oversight, what with everyone still focused on the health care reform that never happened and all.

I mean it's not like regulating Wall Street so it no longer feasts solely on the misfortune of others is a hard task to accomplish or anything, since unlike health care, there's no lobbyists, competing interests, or lawmakers with ulterior motives that may threaten to derail the whole thing.

Not to mention how hot the populist words "jobs" or "a bill to create jobs" are right now, which should make it a total breeze to pass through the worst, most dysfunctional institution in the history of mankind, the U.S. Congress. Hooray!

So, thank you Chris Dodd for your brilliant suggestion to ignore health care for oh, let's say the next six weeks or so, until no one remembers they're dying but too broke-ass to pay for it anyway, and Congress can once again look like the proud, effective cornerstone of democracy that it is.

Of course, Chris doesn't really care either way since he'll be retired and chillin' with his hot man tan on a Connecticut beach this time next year.

But not everyone thinks cutting and running is the best move if President Obama and the Democrats hope to pass his signature issue, health care reform, at any point before being tossed out of office in a wave of insane teabagger-fueled hysteria.

Like former Democratic chairman and token rabble-rouser Howard Dean who had some sharp words for the Dems following their crushing blow in Massachusetts.

"We've got to be tougher. I've said the Democrats are not tough enough. Bush would have had the health care bill done a long time ago. He would have gone through reconciliation."

Ha ha that's cute, Dean! Except for the little fact that has Bush never even heard of the word reconciliation, let alone ever be caught actually doing something as pussy as that.

Besides, the only bills Bush rams through anything are ones that involve invading oil-rich countries, taking away our liberties, trampling the constitution, killing polar bears, fleecing the public, oppressing the gays, fattening his wallet while bankrupting the rest of us, and keeping him and Dick nice 'n cozy calling the shots as the Decider(s)-in-Chief.

Not trying to help poor, sick losers he doesn't even know get health care or something gay like that. Who do you think he is, Jimmy Carter or something?

Is Scott Brown the White, Naked Version of Barack Obama the GOP's Been Waiting For?

Hahahahahahaha!!

What's that you hear? Oh, just the agonizing cries of Teddy Kennedy from six feet under as he watches his life's work be ripped to shreds by a male prostitute model who loves tea. Or is it bags?

Either way, the important thing here is that Massachusetts has taken a stand against America's precarious slide toward Socialism and the preposterous idea that every citizen deserves access to affordable, quality health care. Puh-lease! That's reserved for the good people of Massachusetts and them alone, thank you very much!

You see, here in the homo haven of Taxachussetts, they already have mandatory health coverage (the best in the nation!) so to be honest they don't really give a hootenanny what happens to the rest of you poor, pathetic schlubs. No offense or anything.

It's true! Why else would dumb Massachusetts want to replace its southern neighbor Connecticut as the worst thing to happen to these United States since unleashing that Joe Lieberman disease upon the world?

Certainly, there must be some reasonable explanation why the most liberal state in all the land just elected a gas guzzling, truck-drivin' Republican with a penchant for baring it all in glossy magazine spreads as the newest Senator to go to Washington to enact change by refusing to cooperate with that colored man on any plans he may have to achieve said change. This is a non-negotiable rule and oath every proud Grand Old Party member must take before serving the people as their elected obstructionist representative.

So the big question for Democrats becomes what to do now that their precious supermajority is no more? Should they simply concede victory to the Republicans and hand over complete control of the White House and Congress now instead of dithering around until the actual elections officially hand them their unceremonious exits?

In fact, since this means the end of health care reform as we know it (a retarded three-toed sloth), and certainly the end of that dismal FAILURE Barack Obama's 365-day disaster, why doesn't Scott go ahead and assume his rightful place as the exciting, new president of these United States?

He has all the necessary criteria: like our current commander-in-chief, he's a formerly unknown state senator catapulted into the national stage by getting elected to the U.S. Senate. He's got mad sex appeal, is young, fun, and knows a thing or two about wooing the ladies. Plus, unlike many of his Republican brethren, he is not a closeted homosexual trolling for anonymous man tail in Minneapolis airport men's rooms. Or at least, so far.

Clearly, his unprecedented success at defeating a terrible candidate in a wild, teabagger-fueled anti-incumbent (and anti-government) wave of hysteria means this man is ready to lead the country, effective immediately.

Hell, why not just swear the guy in now and save everyone the trouble of having to actually vote. That way, we can immediately begin repairing the 12-month catastrophe of Barack Obama and those terrible Democrats, and get things back to George W. Bush's blissful eight-year reign of peace and prosperity, nostalgically referred to as Pax Republicana.

Then I think we can all say Mission Accomplished!

Scott Brown Blames Those With Ears For Dumb, Stupid Scott Brown Comments

Pretend moderate and former Cosmo nudie model Scott Brown is doing his best to blow any and all chance of snagging Ted Kennedy's coveted senate seat, thus relieving the good people of Massachusetts from years of elite liberal oppression.

Being in the über-liberal queer paradise of Massachusetts, Scott Brown may be smart enough to pretend he's never so much as heard of that rag-tag group of freedom fighters affectionately known as teabaggers, but he's apparently too dumb to realize that calling the President of the United States a bastard may not be the best way to win a one-way to ticket to Washington to attend to the very important task of derailing health care reform and spitting on the grave of Ted Kennedy.

Here is the lovely, albeit fully-clothed, Mr. Brown during the 2008 Republican convention, defending the "good, core values" of Mother-of-the-Year Sarah Palin, whose savvy parenting skills include just one unwed, pregnant teenage daughter, out of three possible chances. Which Scott thinks is pretty darn good!

Unlike that illegitimate lovechild Barack Obama whose shadeball parents probably weren't even married when they popped out li'l Barry somewhere in the Kenyan wilderness.

BROWN: And quite frankly, Barack’s mom had him when she was, what, 18 years old?

GUEST: And married!

BROWN: Hahahaha, well, I don’t know about that.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, a real hoot! Semi-black illegals don't do normal AMERICAN things like exchange vows, but okay, whatever you say about Obama's parents being "married" and all. Sure, he'll buy it. Wink, wink.

But wait! What's this latest response from Scott Brown spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom about Obama being born (or possibly even hatched) out of wedlock?

"He doesn’t believe that. This is more desperate campaigning from Martha Coakley. When she isn't calling for higher taxes, she's making things up about Scott Brown."

She's even transforming herself into a 51-year-old one-time supermodel in order to make Mr. Nice Guy Scott Brown look like some sort of mindless fool on national teevee!

It's all Martha's fault, of course! She's the one who dressed in drag and went on air to say those terrible things about Barry's family. Not sweet, Scott! COAKLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But for some strange reason, the Dems aren't buying what Scott's selling, with DNC spokesman Hari Sevugan firing back at the latest nonsensical claim by Republican strategists:

"Why did he say it then? Whether it's on this issue, or choice or taxes, Scott Brown has a disturbing and telling history of saying one thing at one time, and another thing later on. The only thing that's clear is that Scott Brown is not who he says he is."

You mean a male model?? Well, excuuuuse him for being humble and not wanting to make everyone else look bad.

Being really, really ridiculously good looking isn't his fault. Must be that dang Martha again!

Battle for the Bay: Martha Coakley vs. Scott Brown

What Can Brown Do For You? Other Than Kill Health Care and Ruin America...

Scott Brown, So Conservative, Yet So Cosmo!

Oh no-zees! Democratic nerves have hit an all-time high (at least for this year) over the ever-so-close Senate race in the original birthplace of the teabagger, Massachusetts.

These nervous nellie Dems have decided it's time to hit the panic button and break out the big gun to win next Tuesday's do-or-die Senate race in Massachusetts.

Translation: It's time for Barry to head down to the land of gays and taxes to once again save the Dems from a toxic combination of their own incompetence and a Republican wet dream by the name of Scott Brown.

You see, Martha Coakley, Ted Kennedy's heir apparent and supposed shoe-in for Massachusetts' now vacant Senate seat, is in danger of losing her fancy shmancy liberal laces--marking the first Democratic boot by Republicans since the 1950s. Gasp!

Because if Coakley loses, then Democrats lose their 60-seat majority (cause they've been so effective with it??) in the Senate, and health care will likely be nothing more than the dying gasps of opportunity lost and Grandma as her creaking, ol' uninsured bones are tossed out the hospital door.

So the Dems have decided to do what they always do when there's problem they can't solve (no, not Maria silly, Republican senate hopeful Scott Brown): call in Barry to make it all better!

Hooray!

In this case, that means stop the sudden momentum of thorn-in-the-side Republican impostor Scott Brown, who is hoping (and praying no doubt) that the good people of Massachusetts suddenly forget they don't do the whole "Republican" thing and come out en masse to vote for him next Tuesday. Or just the older, more racist Massachusetts crowd. That'd be fine too. Either way.

But wait, what's this you say, Scott? You're not a real Republican? Because no Republican would ever get elected from the gay mecca of Taxachusetts, especially with the Grand Old Party's insistence upon 'round the clock racism, homophobia, and lightly veiled threats of violence against the government.

"The allegation that I vote 96 percent of the time with Republicans is inaccurate, but I'm proud of the fact that I’ve stood up against out-of-control spending and taxation in Massachusetts," he said.

He also claimed that he was unfamiliar with the "Tea Party movement," when asked by a reporter. Ha ha, whatever you say, Scotty!

And when told that different people labeled him a conservative, moderate and a liberal Republican, he responded "I'm a Scott Brown Republican."

The kind who snags Cosmopolitan magazine's very important "America's Sexiest Man" centerfold almost three decades before running around trying to steal a dead man's senate seat so he can kill the one piece of legislation said dead person dedicated his entire life to achieving.

Ya know, the good kind of Republican.