Mixed Nutz: Hippies Crackin' Nazis, Almond-Led Gun Nuts Packin' Heat In Parks, Romney Roastin' Wingnuts, & Sarah's Stash Of Cold, Hard Ca$hews

About 40 lame-o white supremacists from some quasi neo-Nazi militia in Detroit headed west to the Mexican haven of Los Angeles to protest all the dirty, gross brown people working, living, and breathing (gasp!) the pure, white air there every day en route to reclaiming the land stolen from them by the evil gringos during the Mexican-American war.

Sadly, the Nazis were soon yelled at and beaten up by local hippies, Jews, Latinos, Blacks and other scary minorities who were apparently able to bully their way past the Black and Latino cops dispatched to protect the nice group o' Nazis while they exercised their First Amendment rights to tell all non-milk hued undesirables (black and Latino cops included) to stop "clogging up our streets" and get the f**k out of their country, God's country, as soon as they're done making sure Hitler's new Aryan Army doesn't get too roughed up by the ominous second-class citizens (hippies included!) closing in on them.

Must be the new high-grade medical marijuana. That Cali chronic's crazier than Nazis and Teabaggers, yo!

One Neo-Nazi, bloodied by the protesters, carried a sign that read "Christianity=Paganism=Heathen$" with an arrow pointing at a swastika.

"Gosh, I think he just didn't have a clear message. I don't even think he was a Nazi," said one onlooker who witnessed the melee.

Those crazy Nazis! Wait, or was it Teabaggers? It's sooooo hard to keep 'em straight these days!

Speaking of kindred Nazi and Teabagger spirit, the latest Public Policy Polling survey of leading Republican candidates for the 2012 presidential elections shows Mittens Romney continuing to dazzle at the top of the pack, followed by the new spokesman against sodomizing puppies, Mike Huckabee at 27%, and beautiful Alaskan wanderer-turned-millionaire-wonder Sarah Palin at 23%.

"The big story in 2012 polling continues to be Palin's surprisingly poor performance. She hasn't led in a single one of the dozen individual states we've taken a look at, and runs ten points behind Romney nationally. She is actually the most well liked of the GOP front runners with 66% viewing her favorably to 55% for Huckabee and 54% for Romney, but there's a disconnect between how much voters like Palin and how willing they are to support her for President."

President of America, that is. But, President of Facebook, you betcha!

Speaking of our #1 favoritest maverick to ever venture from her frozen home near Russia to bless us sinners in the sweltering, Godless mainland by letting us help her make Mount McKinley's of money, none of which she will donate to any candidates of any party because she is Sarah and Sarah doesn't do elitist things like donate money to actual candidates.

She does Sarah-y things like draw pretty interactive map hit lists targeting vulnerable congressional Democrats with gun crosshairs, along with peaceful, political words like "reload," "aim" and "fire," so people will know to bust out their bullet point pens and spray ink all over the ballot box. For freedom!

Sure, Sarah put the bull's eye on 20 U.S. House races on her favoritest Facebook, because every gun nut knows "Take up your arms' means voting."

What it doesn't mean is her highness giving even one cent (her two-sense is apparently enough) to any of the "favored" candidates in those same contested districts during the first quarter of the year.

"Although her SarahPAC took in $400,000 in the first quarter and had more than $900,000 in the bank, it gave only $7,500 to candidates between January and the end of March, plus an additional $2,000 to two other PACs. None went to Republicans in the races she targeted."

Instead, it went to important things like de-icing private planes, helping Sarah learn secret tricks like how to scribble speeches on her hand (teleprompters are so elitist!), post on social networking sites (that series of tubes called the internets can be so darned tricky!), and find the perfect shade of lipstick to go with her new designer digs for maverick hockey mom pigs who know there's more than one way to skin a cat.

A DemoCAT, that is!

Quite the li'l pistol, that one!

Speaking of unhinged firearms, a bunch of paranoid, delusional gun nuts masquerading as patriots descended on two federal parks in Virginia to make history as the first people to wave AK-47s and other semi automatic weapons at a demonstration in a national park to protest the federal government taking away the rights of paranoid gun fanatics to brandish their weapons and scream about said evil federal government.

Of course, those coming to the "Restore the Constitution" rally give no credit to President Obama for signing the law that permits them to bring their guns to Fort Hunt, run by the National Park Service, or to Gravelly Point, as close to the District as they could get while packin' some metal muscle and also complying with local and Interior Department regulations. Nor are they comforted by a broad expansion of gun rights in several states since B. Hussein's election.

Nope. These real Americans don't need trivial things like facts or truth to tell them why they hate this black menace in the White House, and his Democratic cabal of secret Muslim terrorists, Commies and Socialists out to destroy America. With health care. And gay rights. And sensible nuclear policies. And Wall Street regulations. And abortions. And immigrants.

But, for the rest of those fake Americans not packing heat or carrying extra ammo magazines strapped to their rear, who aren't afraid of the big, bad (black) government comin' for their guns and grandmas, it is probably a wise idea to stay as far away from Gravelly Point or Fort Hunt Park as possible, because one of these "heroes" will probably see something dark rustling around, mistake it for a bear or black person, and start accidentally(?) spraying bullets in all directions.

Just like Jesus and the Constitution intended.

The brandishing of weapons is "not just an important symbol" but "a reminder of who we are," said rally organizer Daniel Almond.

Dumb, racist wingnuts who wouldn't know the constitution if it hit them over the head. Unless it came ripping out the other end in a trail of exploding flesh, blood and brain matter.

"The founders knew that it is the tendency of government to expand itself and embrace its own power, and they knew the citizenry had to be reminded of that."

Just like that other "patriot" who hated the terrible government so much he blew up the Oklahoma city federal building and murdered 168 people, including 19 little kids at daycare, and reminded everyone what another freedom-loving hero of the right does to show his love of America on this very April 19th day, 15 years ago.

But you may remember him better as convicted terrorist and mass murderer, Timothy McVeigh.

Livin' On a Prayer: Please God Let Robert Byrd Die So We Can Bury Health Care With Him

Remember Sen Tom Coburn's (R-OK) uplifting holiday message instructing everyone to pray for some dumb Democrat (that old bag Robert Byrd should do) to drop dead, or at the very least, get mangled in some freak accident so as to miss the early morning procedural vote on health care, thereby leaving the Democrats one vote shy of breaking the GOP filibuster:

Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK): What the American people ought to pray is that somebody can’t make the vote tonight. That’s what they ought to pray.

As it turned out however, all 100 U.S. senators showed up intact to vote on the measure, which passed on a party-line 60-40 vote. And on Tuesday morning, the Senate health care bill jumped the next procedural hurdle, with all 60 Democratic senators voting to pass the measure. However, only 39 Republicans voted against the passage, meaning one Republican was apparently missing in action. Uh-oh.

Gasp!! Could it be Coburn's death wish backfired and claimed one of its own members, fellow Oklahoman Republican Sen. James Inhofe as victim instead of the intended Democrat in some terrible, ironic twist of fate?

Now, as with most teabagger-related stunts, it is very hard to distinguish reality from an SNL skit, but either way, a certain self-identified Republican from Georgia, let's call him "Jesus" shall we, was so distraught his prayers for Sen. Robert Byrd to please die before the health care vote had backfired and accidentally killed beloved Republican Sen. James Inhofe instead of that ancient artifact from West Virginia, that he made this hysterical call into C-SPAN:

CALLER: Yeah doctor. Our small tea bag group here in Waycross, we got our vigil together and took Dr. Coburn's instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn’t show up at the vote the other night.

How hard did you pray because I see one of our members was missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? One of our members died? How hard did you pray senator? Did you pray hard enough?

Republican Sen. John Barrasso, who took the tearful call, didn't really answer the question (as Republicans are naturally gifted at avoiding straightforward answers) but reassured the distressed teabagger that while he didn't know why Inhofe missed the vote, it didn't matter anyway since Republicans are completely irrelevant at this point.

So, Inhofe being there or not doesn't really make one iota of difference in the long run, short run or any run for that matter.

'Cept maybe a beer run. Ya know, make him feel like he's actually useful. But other than that, nah, no reason for him to show up. Seriously. No one will mind.

But for the record, Inhofe is still quite alive and plans to return to the Senate for later votes this week.

We're all very excited about it! Especially Inhofe. Death by decree is a terrible way to go.

Unless you're a Democrat. Then by all means. It's how God would've wanted it.

Southern States Love America So Much They Want To Dissolve It

North Vs. South, Redux

Red states are movin' out! America's cuckoo southern friends have finally tired of the snooty, upper crust ways of us northern heretics and have decided to press their luck alone, without us slave-hating states to keep them down.

First, it was Texas who threatened to secede from this godless Union on account of the suffocating tyranny of taxing rich people at slightly higher rates. That coupled with Barack Obama and his negro army's deviant plot to march into the Lone Star state to steal their guns and slay all the white people was enough to send the good people of Texas packing.

Much like the swine flu or gay-marriage virus, a brilliant idea like seceding from the union and starting your own crackpot Republic cannot be contained long. Which is why the proud states of Georgia, South Dakota, and Oklahoma wasted no time passing their own secession resolutions, declaring their state's sovereignty and freedom from enslavement by the Northern aggressors.

So congratulations to Georgia, Oklahoma, South Dakota, and of course, sassy ringleader Texas, for hearkening back to the glory days of the civil war by once again fighting the "conspiracy to create a single North American country" in favor of an "independent South unburdened by it's alien occupier."

I guess 143 years of captivity is long enough. And yet somehow it still doesn't get any easier!