How Do You Say Republicans Are Losers In 140 Characters Or Less?

GOP Rep. Eric Cantor's Loves His Crackberry!

What could be more fun than a bunch of bumbling Republicans attempting to reach young voters through the Internets only to find that this series of tubes is harder to use than they thought? Nothing that's what!

A delightful pattern has emerged among Republican hipsters eager to utilize all the new social-networking sites out there. It's one embarrassing racist debacle after another, but the GOP has at least managed to accomplish one thing: offend just about everyone.

Of course, we must first tip our hats to "off the hook" online media master Michael Steele whose hip-hop media blitz first took the political scene by storm, showing peeps the GOP's down with the 'net too. For real dawg!

Honorable mention goes to tech savvy former Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman who understands that in this technological age it's either do or die. Which is why he urges his fellow Republicans to start competing on the Ethernet--cause that's where it's all going down. Kind of like his career.

Which brings us to our most recent tech abominations, courtesy of two GOP operatives hailing from North Carolina's red-headed stepchild, South Carolina. Where else?

First, there's prominent South Carolina Republican activist Rusty DePass whose brilliant ability to use Facebook resulted in him likening First Lady Michelle Obama to an escaped gorilla.

Assuring readers not to worry about a gorilla escape at a Columbia, S.C., zoo, this salt-of-the-earth politician posted a Facebook message, saying, "I'm sure it's just one of Michelle's ancestors - probably harmless."

Forced to apologize by crazy liberal bloggers and the Jew-controlled media, DePass said he was sorry if he offended anyone since the comment was clearly in jest and just a response to the First Lady's ludicrous statement that man descended from apes. Yeah, and the Earth revolves around the sun I suppose. What's next? Thunder isn't actually God burping?

Next is fellow South Carolinian Mike Green, who like his GOP counterparts, loves to use all the exciting new technologies to connect with supporters and send out hilariously racist Tweets against Muslim terrorist President Barack Obama.

Like this delightful byte: I JUST HEARD THAT OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS.

Hahahaha. Both hysterical and factual! They must be taking their cue from Republican Sen. Charles Grassley who exploded onto the Twitter scene with his uncanny ability to transform a stodgy, 75-year-old elder statesman into a shrieking teeny bopper who haaaaates grammar but loooooooves the Jonas Brothers. OMG, LOL!

GTG (Ugh, 'rents can be so annoying!) CUL8R, Alligator.

Looks Like Someone Has A Case Of The Mondays...

Ugh. God, you people are wearing Barry out! Can't a guy get one day where he can just chill and eat hamburgers and not have to listen to boring meetings about fiscal policy, health care reform or a Supreme Court nominee breaking their ankle in a freak accident called klutziness at LaGuardia airport?

Between that crazy North Korean dude, Sen. Grassley's ridiculous, error-ridden tweets of rage, and the GLBT mafia all over him to repeal that absurd middle-school policy "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and let them die for this country like the convicted felons and drug offenders allowed to serve, so long as they don't wear leather chaps and feathered boas, Barry sure has his hands full.

So for the love of God, can you just give the man some peace for a moment? I mean seriously folks, Nicolas Sarkozy only promised to take Michelle and the girls off his hands for a few precious hours--and the clock is ticking here people!

So if you don't mind, he'd like a few more minutes fantasizing about schooling Kobe Bryant with his famous stutter-step crossover move straight to the hole. And for Christ sake, will someone please get the man a cigarette?

Twitter Dee & Twitter Dum

God damn f**king Twitter! If it's not the stupidest, most idiotic 140-character waste of time ever invented, I don't know what is. It even makes those ridiculous Tamagotchis seem brilliant, which is no small feat for a digital, egg-shaped, hand-held pet that eats, pees and dies.

Yet, Twitter has officially managed to become the new crack of the technology world. Everywhere you look, someone is twittering something. The media can't stop buzzing about it, celebs love it, and politicians can't get enough.

Of course, anytime a new fad pops up (especially if it involves the Internets!), it is the media's job to endlessly discuss until any and all semblance of cool has been completely sucked out. Which in this case, didn't take very long.

Same for politicians, especially Republicans who have been dominating the Twitter scene, partially thanks to the off-the-hook PR blitz by RNC Chairman Michael Steele. A hip new way of communicating about nonsense with a bunch of teenyboppers is a sure-fire way to stave off political irrelevance. Nothing says cool like a House Republican twittering about how slutty Nancy Pelosi looked during the last filibuster debate.

Hollywood's also jumped on the Twitter train, with hot celebs like Kanye West, Brittney Spears, 50 Cent, and other A-listers keeping their fans up-to-date on important happenings like when their next album drops and why Pop-Tarts are so much better than Toaster Strudel.

But typing life updates in 140 characters or less can be quite challenging for these time-pressed stars. Which is why many have instead turned to outsourcing their Tweets by hiring so-called ghost Twitterers to do their dirty work writing one to two sentences about how rush hour traffic sucks and why McDonalds should sell Shamrock Shakes year round.

Which may strike some Twitter purists like Shaquille O'Neal as ridiculous.

“If I am going to speak, it will come from me. It’s 140 characters...If you need a ghostwriter for that, I feel sorry for you.”

Self-hating Twitterer John Mayer agrees. "If you really think that Twitter is the pathway to spiritual enlightenment, well...It’s one step away from sending pictures of your poop."

Now, you know brilliance like that doesn't come from no ghost Twitterer!