Much like America's most fair and balanced network, Fox News, America's favoritest, most trustworthy newspaper, the National Enquirer is internationally renowned for its unique ability to occasionally accurately break a real, live news story (that doesn't involve UFOs, aliens or John Edwards' man-seed) out of every, oh, I don't know, 100 or so, it reports.
So it is no surprise that the same Jan. 31 issue that reports Jennifer Aniston has a drinking problem and President Obama is so darn rail thin because he has stomach parasites, the National Enquirer also drops the bomb that America's other First Family, the Palins, isn't all moose casseroles, feigned outrage, and underage teenage pregnancies.
This time, the latest victim of the awful lamestream media's unjust, mean-spirited "blood libel" against the pure-as-Arctic-snow Palin Family, is none other than First Dude Todd, who is accused of repeatedly cheating on
Uh-oh! Whatever will St. Sarah do now? Certainly this is nothing more than another baseless attack on the world's most perfect human specimen, Sarah Louise Palin, by bloodthirsty media elites who are simply jealous of her uncanny ability to make moose piles of money doing nothing but constantly playing the victim card while parading li'l Trigger around in her strong, Mama Grizzled arms.
This has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with the fact that Sarah is a delusional narcissistic sociopath whose asinine belief that she is capable, no make that, entitled to rule the free world as president of the United States of Alaska, has made her and her entire family of media whores front page fodder of every celebrity rag around.
But where were we? Oh yes, of course, Todd! Who knew, right? I mean, he always seemed so...gay!
According to the Enquirer:
While the story heats up on the internet, The ENQUIRER has uncovered official documents confirming the woman's arrest, and learned police have confiscated physical evidence that could tie Todd to an alleged extramarital affair.Hmmm, Shailey Tripp, huh? God, what is wrong with you Alaska people? I mean there's gotta be more than two names that start with the letter P, hundreds in fact, and yet no one in the entire freakin' state can come up with a damn single one that isn't Tripp, Trig, or Track!? Seriously, for the love of Jesus!
We have also uncovered documents that show the woman - identified by bloggers as Shailey Tripp - contributed free massages to an anonymous person working for Sarah's campaign for governor of Alaska.
While representatives for Todd Palin vehemently deny he cheated on his wife, allegations of his extramarital affair surfaced on Jan. 4 when an anonymous tipster sent out messages to news outlets making the allegation using the e-mail address firstname.lastname@example.org.
"My sources reveal that a massage therapist and computer technologist, SHAILEY TRIPP, had an affair with Todd Palin that lead (sic) to her arrest March of 2010," claimed the anonymous e-mail.
"According to the tenants in the building of her offices, they saw Todd come and go often and heard noises that sounded like someone was having sex. It was the same tenants who called the police on her."
Hmmm, okay, so what we've got is an anonymous email citing anonymous second-hand sources who say they heard something that "sounded like sex," but could've actually been someone, anyone, say, one of the dozen other Palin clan members skinning and gutting the 600 lb mammal they just shot with a Remington from 10,000 ft in the sky.
Oh yeah and also proof that a massage therapist was giving free massages to someone on the Palin campaign, as well as proof that this same therapist was arrested for prostitution.
Sounds fishy. But more in a fresh Alaskan salmon sort of way, not rotting-dead-corpse-on-your-front-stoop courtesy of Rahm Emanuel kind of way.
The truth is, who really knows? Other than God, of course! The important thing is that either way, the real winner is everyone!
Because what the nation really needs is another
On the bright side, that Ca-ching! Ca-ching! sound you hear isn't the sound of obese radio God Rush Limbaugh making fun of the ridiculous way Chinese people, especially visiting Chinese presidents named Hu Jintao, speak.
Haha, not at all! It's simply the sound of all the cold hard c-c-c-c-ash Sarah Palin is about to rake in with her new bestseller: Goin'