Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain Picks Young Hottie As Running Mate In Effort To Stave Off Extinction

You gotta hand it to the old man. With his presidential campaign basically on life support, McCain jolted his tired candidacy back from the near-dead with his choice of 44-year-old hottie and Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin as running mate. At the spry, young age of 44, Palin offers the perfect youthful contrast to McCain's 71 long years of skin-wrinkling experience.

But before we get too excited over McCain's very own Energizer Bunny, let's look at some other possible VP candidates for the GOP, based upon the same qualifications used to select Gov. Palin: must love guns almost as much as making babies, must have two or less years of political experience, and must be currently under investigation for federal ethics violations.

Also on McCain's VP shortlist:

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

As Dems Rejoice, Republicans Remind Us That Hope Is For Terrorists

Wow. Unless you are soulless, heartless, have no pulse, or apparently, are a Republican strategist, chances are you were moved by Joe Biden's vice-presidential acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention last night. Call me old-fashioned, but between Biden's deeply personal and genuinely heartfelt speech, Hillary's electrifying call for unity and equally electrifying pantsuit, and Bill's powerful passing of the torch to the younger, darker, seemingly less promiscuous version of himself, I felt hopeful and optimistic for the future of this country. Weird, I know.

Lucky for me, the typically eloquent Republican response of grunts, groans and the occasional snort saved me from this Democratic fantasy land of positivity and hope and brought me back to reality. That beautiful, GOP-filled utopia where hope is for terrorists. And celebrities. And terrorist-celebrities like Barack Hussein Obama.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Who Knows? Joe Knows!

It seems there is nothing Joe Biden does not know. But don't take my word for it; just ask any Democratic politician and they will all tell you the same thing: "Joe Knows Best." So the next question logically becomes, if Joe is so smart, how come he is not the Democratic Presidential Nominee?

Apparently, while Sen. Biden knows a whole lot on a wide range of issues, he is missing the one piece of knowledge every presidential candidate needs most: knowing when to keep their mouth shut!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Proof God Hates Democrats

On the eve of the Democratic National Convention in Denver, four tornadoes ripped across several areas around the city, bringing ferocious rain and hail storms that threatened to disrupt Monday's DNC blowout. But fear not my friends, the show must go on!

Lucky for all us freedom-lovers, Mother Nature's wrath subsided just in time for the Convention to continue as planned. However, Denver-area meteorologists did report some ominous weather patterns on the horizon, but soon realized it was just the Clinton's and their ferociously loyal (and slightly delusional) cabal of supporters steamrolling into town.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Obama's 3 AM Text Proves He's Just 'Biden' His Time

Obama's promise to text supporters his VP choice before the media found out may have been foiled by an insider leak--but rest assured, all is not lost! At least we now know the answer to one pressing question: Yes, as President, Mr. Night Owl Obama will indeed be there to answer that 3 AM call.

PLUS--we all know Clinton was trying to make a point with the whole "a leader who knows world leaders, knows the military, blah blah blah" on Obama's supposed lack of foreign policy experience, but between the burning Obama effigy and Bill's bright red face, we forgot what is was...

Lucky for us, Obama's VP choice is none other than Joe Biden, Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, and a leading expert in terrorism who meets regularly with state and foreign ministers. Thanks for the advice, Hillrod!

But, perhaps more importantly, we finally have a Democrat who is not afraid to give you a piece (or ALL) of his mind. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the one, the only, "Fightin' Joe Biden!"

Friday, August 22, 2008

Obama’s Poll Numbers Slip, As People Remember They Are Still A Little Bit Racist

Recent Poll Numbers Show McCain Not Dead Yet

It is official. After months fueled by optimism and hope (very un-American), the public’s honeymoon with Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama is finally over. While pundits suggest the recent slowdown of the Obama juggernaut is due to the McCain campaign’s aggressive new ad campaign attacking Obama on everything from his political inexperience to his celebrity status, we beg to differ.

So what’s the real reason for Obama’s slump? Certainly it is not race-related. We Americans are waaay too enlightened for that.

But a presidential candidate who chooses to vacation in Hawaii? Now, that is pushing it. America is simply not ready for a president who vacations outside the Continental United States.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Bush Doing What He Does Best--Acting Presidential

I hate the administration of George W. Bush more than anything. I literally shudder at most of his policy decisions and find his whole presidency disastrous. The fact that this man has been the leader of the free world for the past eight years is utterly terrifying.

And a little funny. I know, I know...How could I say that?

This is the man who has just spent the last 8 years f**king everything up. The man who ruined our economy, started a war, ignored Katrina, polluted our skies, violated our rights, and routinely spit on the Constitution. I should hate this man!

But then he goes and does a thing like this and I can't help but find him adorable.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Just Your Average John

Unlike that elitist Sen. Barack Obama, Sen. John McCain understands the plight of working-class Americans. McCain knows first-hand what a struggle it is for the average, hard-working American, like himself, to make ends meet in these tight economic times.

Unlike Mr. Fancy Pants Obama, McCain wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Not at all. He married into it—and his spoons are all platinum, thank you very much.

McCain: Flip-Flops Are For Issues, Not Feet

Another one of McCain's many skills is his unparalleled ability to flip-flop on the issues. While McCain now touts his plan to penalize or shame oil companies into lowering gas prices, a June speech he gave to oil executives declaring his unwavering support for offshore drilling prompted oil and gas exec’s to donate almost 1 million dollars to his campaign. Clearly, McCain is looking out for the "low-income American." I mean otherwise, who would be there to make sure his $520 Ferragamo loafers retain their glistening shine?

Friday, August 1, 2008

McCain Economics -- Reality, Be Damned

Since it was first discussed months ago, the gas tax holiday proposed by McCain has been rejected by just about everyone with a pulse, economists included. And while we cannot believe everything economists say, there is something to be said about an idea so bad that not a single economist will agree to endorse it. Whoever said a consensus among experts is nearly impossible, obviously never anticipated the barreling trainwreck that is Sen. McCain's economic plan.

This Sunday on ABC News, George Stephanopoulos, asked McCain about his proposal. Here is a summary from this longer transcript:

Stephanopoulos: Not a single economist in the country said it’d work.

McCain: Yes. And there’s no economist in the country that knows very well the low-income American who drives the furthest, in the oldest automobile, that sometimes can’t even afford to go to work.

Stephanopoulos: But they all say that … the oil companies, the gas companies are going to absorb … any reduction.

McCain: … they say that. But one, it didn’t happen before, and two, we wouldn’t let it happen. We wouldn’t let it — Americans wouldn’t let them absorb that.

Stephanopoulos: How would you prevent that?

McCain: We would make them shamed into it. We, of course, know how to — American public opinion. And we would penalize them if necessary. But they wouldn’t. They would pass it on.

Now that is a sound policy for sure. Next, we'll just try shaming health care companies into offering affordable coverage. How did I not think of a plan so brilliant? At least Mr. Straight-Talker is doing a great job at one thing--dodging the important question by ignoring it. McCain seems to be quite skilled at ignoring the evidence when it doesn’t suit his agenda. But, most importantly, is that while a tax holiday may sound good to you, it will undoubtedly do nothing to help relieve gas prices--or your ever-shrinking wallet.