2012 GOP Candidates As Diverse And Exciting As Their Ideas

In the vast wasteland that is the 2012 GOP presidential landscape, fresh-faced stars join seasoned statesman to create a powerful right-wing juggernaut designed to bring down NObama and the rest of those God-awful Democrats ruining America.

Now normally this would sound like a delightful plan to reinvigorate a hurting Grand Old Party and restore America's faith in the conservative movement by reclaiming their rightful place on vacation on a ranch in Texas in the White House.

Of course, this would require that the candidates are people voters actually think are competent enough to babysit their kids, let alone an entire nation, but with the elections three or so years away, who really has time for such formalities?

There's the always-compelling, perennial frontrunners (??) like Mittens Romney, Newt "Are You Morons Really Gonna Force Me To Run?" Gingrich, and formerly obese master of meaningless Iowa straw polls Mike Huckabee.

And let's not forget adorable, already-sparkling superstars like sexy, semi-retired multimillionaire Sarah Palin and nerdy, token minority Piyush "Bobby" Jindal whose charm and charisma is enough to make an AARP member want to grab the Bengay and boogie down.

Even Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty (who??) is getting in the game, casually ramping up his national profile by launching his political action committee "Freedom First" in order to travel the country talking to assorted teabaggers, secessionists, birthers and other nutjobs about how this secret Muslim President is destroying America by fixing its health care system and winning Nobel Peace Prizes.

"History proves that it is weakness, not strength, that tempts our enemies," Pawlenty said in an interview with Newsmax. "And he is projecting potential weakness, and enemies may see that and their respect may be reduced as a result of that, or worse."

Like they might even get a shoe chucked at their head??

Pawlenty also accused the president of being "extremely partisan in his approaches," particularly when it comes to pushing his socialist health care agenda.

"President Obama has governed in an extremely liberal way, and he hasn't accomplished many major initiatives, but the few that he has have been almost exclusively partisan," he said. "That defies what he said during the campaign and doesn't live up to that promise."

Obama has "a philosophy that government knows best, a nanny-state mentality on domestic issues that will ultimately be corrosive to the other pillars of our country - to markets, private enterprise, individual responsibility, freedom and liberty."

God damn you NObama! I mean can you believe the nerve of that guy? Thinking government knows best or even knows anything about how to run a country anywhere except straight into the ground is simply absurd!

One thing's for sure: George W. Bush certainly never had any delusions he could alter the course of history or that his decisions would have unanticipated consequences and far-reaching effects. Except of course on those few occasions when he was acting on behalf of a higher power as God's chosen messenger on Earth.