American Police Force: For All Your Sketchy, Private Security Needs!

What do you get when you cross a terrifying, quasi-legal private security company with a fancy, unused public jail in some bumblef**k town in Montana?

Give up? Why, it's Hardin, Montana's American Police Force of course! For all your taking over empty jails in the middle of nowhere for mysterious reasons needs!

But that's not all. For an undisclosed sum (the town gets a cool $2 million per year), you too can have your very own 10-year contract for a 400-bed detention facility, complete with 50 acres of land, no questions asked, and the freedom to invest as many millions as your heart desires to create the War Facility of your dreams.

So with Hardin, MT's aspirations of bringing al-Qaeda to Big Sky Country as America's shiny new Gitmo dashed by Montana's furious three-man Congressional delegation, the town has instead pinned its hopes on a much safer bet: American Police Force (APF), "a shadowy private security company that has no known clients but claims to have helped foreign governments combat terrorism and will protect anything from cruise ships to Pakistani convoys."

But that's not all they'll do. The caring folks at APF offer a wide range of services for all your security desires, including "Check Your Mate" cheating spouses investigations, "fugitive recovery" for fugitives hiding in one of those pesky non-extradition countries and will even help if a loved one is kidnapped and held for ransom. What sweethearts!

Talking Points Memo brings the scoop:

Our highly trained staff will discover information that fits your needs to get the answers you need. Some of our services include Kidknapping & Ransoms for ransom, INTL Air Marshalls, Security for convoys in Iraq, Pakistan + More!

Although the firm provides SWAT training and convoy security in war zones and has "interdicted weapons of mass destruction," it also takes your marriage seriously.

Infidelity, Adultery, Cheating, and being unfaithful might all have a different definition in your mind but at APF its a category all by its lonesome. Married husbands and wives will typically call untrustworthy loved ones adultery or infidelity. In the non-marital relationships its commonly known as cheating and we can help you figure out what's really going on.

They even have something called "covert pregnancy testing." Oooh, sounds sexy!

Plus if you're ever feeling a tad revolutionary or perhaps just craving a military coup, simply check out APF's "weapons" page for the best deals on machine guns, satellite phones, armored cars, and "nuclear/biological/chemical (WMD)."

So remember, for those times when a hunting rifle just won't do, APF is your one-stop special-ops shop.

And you can feel good knowing that the head of the company is such a sketchball that the best title anyone can give him is a "California-based grifter" and naturalized U.S. citizen originally from Montenegro who goes by the name Michael Hilton.

Basically take the biggest freakshow creep from your high school shop class, tack on an extensive criminal record and you my friend have APF founder Michael Hilton in a nutshell!

Emphasis on the nut.