Monday, September 29, 2008

Johnny "Good Timing" McCain, Part Two

Call us naive, but we figured McCain's uncanny knack for saying the wrong thing at the worst possible time could only rear itself once an election cycle. To be honest, we didn't even think it was possible for McCain to outdue himself after the whole "fundamentals of economy are strong"/simultaneous market implosion fiasco.

But, gosh, that Johnny is so full of surprises!

McCain's latest attempt to out himself as the presidential race's token moron came earlier today when McCain decided to claim responsibility for crafting the winning bipartisan bailout legislation certain to pass easily through the upcoming House vote.

Initially, McCain's campaign was modest about the role their candidate played in the deal. But, as the bill soon gained momentum and appeared increasingly likely to succeed, the no-longer suspended McCain campaign suddenly opened up about his brilliant leadership in getting the deal done.

Speaking at a rally in Ohio, McCain explained how he single-handedly rescued the bill from partisan extinction, unlike that do-nothing elitist Barack Obama who wouldn't even suspend his campaign over it.
“I've never been afraid of stepping in to solve problems for the American people, and I'm not going to stop now. Sen. Obama took a very different approach to the crisis our country faced. At first he didn't want to get involved. Then he was monitoring the situation. That's not leadership. That's watching from the sidelines.”
Asked if he was also then responsible for the bill's devastating failure and country's subsequent financial meltdown, McCain just giggled and reminded us that he bravely spent five years as a POW in Vietnam, and that Barack Obama's real name is actually Osama bin Laden.

Congress Dooms Bailout Plan, Ushers In Global Apocalypse

In case you were wondering if the elected representatives of American Democracy care about you, the answer is no they do not. Not even a little.

After finally getting someone--anyone--to pay attention to them for more than one minute (believe me, it wasn't easy), the savvy problem-solvers in the House showed their gratitude by doing everything in their power to prove to the American people that their elected representatives are indeed Satan's spawn.

As the esteemed Congress' inability to contain their partisan squabbling caused the $700 billion bailout package to sputter and die in the House, nothing much happened.

Oh yeah, except for setting off a global financial tsunami, rattling markets across the world, and plunging the U.S. into its worst recession since the massive stock market crash of the 80's.

Big whoop. It's not like the skies opened and swallowed us all in a fiery storm of blood and molten ash.

Wait, I think I just felt a drop...

Friday, September 26, 2008

Breaking News: McCain Agrees To Look Old, Out-Of-Touch In Debate

McCain has reluctantly agreed to tear himself away from not solving the financial crisis to go ahead as scheduled with Friday night's debate against charismatic nuisance Barack Obama.

Although McCain previously said he would not debate until an agreement was reached on the a
dministration's $700 billion bailout proposal, he not surprisingly changed his mind. But this time we are not angry McCain flip-flopped his position, saying one thing and then doing the complete opposite. Not at all.

Because anything that brings with it the possibility of a hot-headed McCain losing his shit on national television is worth all the collapsing banks and default mortgages in the world.

Here's To You, Old Man!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

McCain Returns To Washington Just In Time To Ruin Everything

Everything was going smoothly. Democrats and Republicans managed to cast aside their partisan differences long enough to craft a $700 billion dollar bailout plan to rescue the country from certain economic ruin. After hours of intense debate and scrutiny, lawmakers were finally on the verge of a breakthrough.

Disaster, it seemed, would be avoided.

But then in an instant everything changed. McCain went temporarily insane and decided it would be a good idea to "suspend his campaign" in a wholesome attempt to put politics aside and lead the nation through its current economic crisis.

Sen. McCain then boldly marched back into Washington just long enough to campaign about not-campaigning, poison the atmosphere with petty presidential politics, and swiftly crush all hopes of reaching any type of productive, bipartisan agreement.

Damn right he is ready to be President!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

McCain Uses Economic Crisis To Avoid Embarrassing Himself In Live Presidential Debate

Despite pleas from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid begging McCain not to cancel Friday's presidential debate in order to return to Washington to try and "fix" the economic crisis he himself helped create, McCain remained steadfast in his attempt to avoid facing Barack Obama in a live debate.

That McCain, always putting country first!

Of course it makes more sense to return to the Capitol to bring even more partisan gridlock to the proposed economic bailout package than to actually hold a live presidential debate on these pressing issues.

It is called the "Save McCain From Public Humiliation" bailout plan. Basically it consists of the McCain campaign using any excuse necessary to avoid their candidate getting manhandled by a smooth-talking whippersnapper who not only knows how many houses he has (one), but actually knows a thing or two about economics...

And no, John, knowing you almost failed it in college doesn't count.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Say It Ain't So, Joe!

Please Joe, stop. We're begging you. We understand you're upset about the fact that no one cares about you ever since that Alaskan hussy came and stole all your thunder. We're pissed too. But that is no excuse to go act like a total idiot.

Need we remind you who your presidential running mate is? Perhaps you forgot that in the past 232 years of this nation's history, half-black, half-white 47-year-old hoopsters named Barack Hussein Obama haven't exactly been shoe-ins for the White House.

On the other hand, old rich white guys named John have done quite well, so I think McCain will be just fine without you personally trainwrecking his opponent's campaign.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Security Expert Sarah Palin's Email Easier To Penetrate Than Daughter Bristol

Tough gal Sarah Palin may be able to "field dress" a moose (whatever the hell that means) but when it comes to simple email security, America's favorite frontierswoman appears to be in over her head.

Last week, a computer hacker was able to break into Sarah Palin’s seemingly impenetrable Yahoo! e-mail account and expose documents showing Palin using non-government e-mail to conduct state business. The irony of course is that Palin and her brilliant advisors only thought to use Yahoo, instead of a government email provider, as a way to avoid possible disclosure under Alaska's Open Records Act. Oops.

So what ingenious computer skills did the alleged hacker use to "impersonate" Palin and gain access to her secure, personal email account?

He correctly answered Palin's "secret question" asking where the Alaskan governor met her husband, Todd. Now normally, this type of airtight security system would leave even the most sophisiticated computer expert stumped.

But luckily this hacker had a little help. During her speech at the Republican National Convention, Palin proudly discussed how she and her hubby Todd began dating two decades ago in high school in Wasilla.

"I found out later though more research that they met at high school, so I did variations of that, high, high school, eventually hit on 'Wasilla high'," the suspect explained.

Perhaps someone should tell Miss Palin her idea to change the password for the nation's nuclear codes to "lipstick" may not be as foolproof as she thought.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Mac Or PC? McCain Prefers His Abacus

Did you know that some of America's most prominent politicians also happen to be responsible for some of the greatest technological achievements of the century? It's true!

I'm sure you remember when Al Gore first blessed us with the Internet. But, did you know that John McCain invented the Blackberry!? Remarkable! What an inspiration it is to see our country's great leaders at the forefront of the technological revolution, using their ingenuity to help create some of modern society's most precious gadgets.

But perhaps even more amazing than McCain's technical wizardry in inventing the Blackberry is how far he is willing to go to make others not feel bad about being so much less smart than him. McCain is so humble that he even pretends to be borderline technically-retarded, or as he puts it, "computer illiterate."

Ha ha, how funny is that? A genius, tech-God like McCain pretending to be a bumbling idiot who uses the Internets to search on The Google and says things like, "I've never felt the particular need to e-mail."

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

He's Baaaaack!!

After months of leading rival John McCain in almost every national poll, Barack Obama seemed to be cruising into the White House, his victory all but assured. But then the unthinkable happened.

John McCain came back from the dead.

Unlike Jesus before him, McCain's resurrection did not come from God or within (well, actually the God part is debatable, depending on who you ask). No, his Savior came in the form of a seductive Alaskan hunter moonlighting as legitimate politician.

Armed with his new "Trophy Vice," McCain enjoyed a huge surge in popularity, with post-convention polls showing him tied or, in some cases, even ahead of Obama for the first time since the campaign began. Finally, the Republicans had a celebrity to call their own! In one fell swoop (and several lipstick-on-animal references), the re-energized McCain campaign went from laughing joke to serious threat.

But like all good things must, this too, had to end. Less than three weeks after the McCain-Palin lovefest first started, Obama once again reclaimed his Mojo and his rightful place atop the polls.

Apparently, it took the public approximately 21 days to realize that no amount of confetti and balloons could change the fact that McCain is still a creepy old guy, Sarah Palin is still the Antichrist, and Barack Obama is still infinitely cooler, smarter and better than we'll ever be.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Blue-Collar Johnny Strikes Again!

I am glad to see that John McCain has his priorities straight. Instead of jetting off to hobnob with the stars at some elitist Hollywood fundraiser, (like that other presidential candidate), good ol' blue-collar Johnny was busy speaking to the real folks at a rally in Vienna, Ohio.

McCain, who was sharply criticized by Barack Obama for failing to address the country's economic crisis, wasted no time proving how "down" he is with the common, hard-scrabbling American. Never mind the swanky $5.1 million fundraiser McCain hosted the night before; when you're 72 you can't be expected to remember every tiny detail!

Luckily, McCain did remember to rev up the crowd by taking a nice swipe at his rival:
"He talks about siding with the people just before he flew off for a fundraiser in Hollywood with Barbara Streisand and his celebrity friends. Let me tell you, my friends, there's no place I'd rather be than right here with the working men and women of Ohio."
Damn straight. Or at least until after you vote for him. Then he'd much rather be sitting in one of his seven houses (eight including the White House), counting fresh stacks of crisp, large bills, and laughing wildly about how easy it is to steal from poor, dumb nobodies like you and your children.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Living Up To His Nickname, John "Good Timing" McCain Praises Strong Economy As U.S. Markets Implode

For some reason, the party-pooper Obama campaign is all hot and bothered by some dumbass comments McCain made today about the "fundamentals of the economy being strong," during a townhall meeting in Jacksonville.

Unfortunately, McCain, who is trying to alter the perception that he is "out of touch" with the average American, decided to praise the U.S.' robust economy on exactly the same day that the economy suffered its worst collapse since the Great Depression.

Bad timing? Nope. Proof that McCain lives in an alternate reality? Not at all. It is all part of McCain's ingenious presidential election strategy: repeat something enough times and it eventually becomes true.

But what about Lehman Brothers stunning collapse, the Dow's catastrophic 500 point tumble, the S&P's shocking 4.7% plunge, and the worst U.S. market loss since the September 11 2001 terrorist attacks?

Oh that? That's nothing! Maybe if you stopped whining and listened for a minute, you would know that it is "all in your head," just like McCain's top economic adviser, Phil Gramm already told you.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

McCain's Maverick Myth

What happens when a one-time maverick decides to run for President of the United States? For GOP presidential hopeful John McCain, the answer is obvious: The Maverick Must Die!

Let's take a look at the some of McCain's best Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde moments on the campaign trail:

On President Bush's Tax Cuts:

Old McCain: "I cannot in good conscience support a tax cut in which so many of the benefits go to the most fortunate among us at the expense of middle-class Americans who need tax relief," McCain said on being one of two Senate Republicans to vote "no" on Bush's tax cut bill in 2001.

New McCain: "I think it's very important that we make the Bush tax cuts permanent. I voted to make them permanent twice already," McCain said during a 2008 GOP debate in Florida.

On the War In Iraq

Old McCain: “We will win this conflict. We will win it easily,” McCain told MSNBC in a 2003 interview.

New McCain: "I fully understood from the beginning that Iraq would be a very, very difficult undertaking. It's going to be long and hard and tough,” McCain said during interviews in 2006 and 2007.

Talk about change you can believe in...

Friday, September 12, 2008

Bubba Has Seen The Future...And His Name Is Barack Obama

For everyone who is feeling a tad nervous over the recent McCain/Palin surge in polls and is ready to just hand the election over to those God-loving, freedom-preserving Republicans, do not despair!

Hope is on the way--and it comes in the form of a 62-year-old former U.S. President turned political prophet, William Jefferson Clinton.

Affectionately known as Bubba, this sax-playing Democratic sage is helping soothe the Democrats' rattled nerves by predicting that Obama will not only win in November, but will "win handily."

Phew! We feel so much better now that Clinton assured us an Obama victory, because everyone knows that Bill is never wrong and would never say anything that is not less than 100% true. Under any circumstances. Ever.

"I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman"

Thursday, September 11, 2008

In First Interview, Palin Proves She Can Look Good, Pronounce Big Words, And Perhaps Kill You

Sarah "Barracuda" Palin has finally emerged from her self-imposed sequester to make her unscripted network television debut with ABC's Charles Gibson, lucky winner of the "Who Gets To Pop Palin's Prime-Time Press Cherry Sweepstakes?"

So how did our favorite li'l gun-toting Alaskan fare in her first real media interview?

Well that depends. She looked pretty hot in her classic brown suit and stylishly sexy glasses. But not too hot to make you uncomfortable with the idea of her in power. So in the overall looks department, she was solid, lets say like an 8/10.

In terms of actual substance, she didn't score quite so well. On the one hand, Palin wasn't a total bomb. There were no sudden outbursts or momentary fits of hysteria. She didn't even say anything that psycho, aside from the whole "possible war with Russia" comment. Such a sparkplug, that Sarah!

I guess the problem was more with what this surprisingly attractive vice-presidential candidate didn't say, or know...or both.

Even the feisty way Palin kept inserting his name back into her carefully-crafted responses, "Yes, Charlie, I do think I am ready." "No, Charlie, I did not hesitate to accept," couldn't hide the fact that we're thisclose to having the second-most powerful person in the world be a charming nutjob from Wasilla, Alaska who will rip the beating heart out of your chest with her bare hands and devour it; all while looking exactly like the sexy librarian from every porn movie you've ever seen.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Democrats Grow Some Balls; Go On Offensive Against Republican Attacks

"Oh No, He Didn't!"

Awwww snap!! After many "holier-than-thou" months of taking the high road and refusing to engage in personal attacks, Obama finally put the smack-down on McCain-Palin during a town hall meeting in Virginia on Tuesday.

Republicans, naturally, were outraged by Obama's vicious remarks and demanded an immediate apology from the inexperienced, woman-hating, Muslim version of Paris Hilton.

I mean who the hell do those Democrats think they are anyway, Republicans or something?

At least when Republicans attack an opponent, they have the decency to base it on nothing but lies, smears, and a complete distortion of reality.

Leave it to the Dems to criticize a rival using straight-forward facts and the very same sexist, offensive words a certain Republican presidential candidate used just months earlier to blast that other female candidate everyone used to talk about...Wait, what was her name again?

What About Me? I Can Say "Lipstick On A Pig" Too!

The Media's Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy Against John McCain....According To John McCain

McCain's sudden cancellation of an interview with Larry King is only the most recent, and most widely publicized, example of the bitter divorce between McCain and the national news media, a group he once so affectionately referred to as his base.

Citing an “out of line” interview between CNN’s Campbell Brown and McCain’s spokesman Tucker Bounds, McCain’s campaign abruptly pulled the plug just hours before McCain’s scheduled appearance on Larry King Live.

How dare an investigative journalist try to do their job by asking a perfectly legitimate question about an inexperienced governor's readiness to become vice president? The nerve of those damn liberal media bastards!

Add this latest CNN spat to the campaign's accusation of NBC's biased coverage, McCain's angry dismissal of Time magazine's questions, and McCain adviser Mark Salter's furious rant against Newsweek, and we may have found the perfect way for McCain to avoid discussing the real issues in this election--refuse to speak to every mainstream media outlet except for one....

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sarah Palin Is On A Task From God

That Sarah Palin sure is something. For the last few weeks, the fearless moose hunter and Alaskan Governor has "gone underground," issuing a full-scale media blackout while she learns key VP skills like how to speak without using a teleprompter and answer questions that have not been pre-scripted. And believe me, preparing the world for "Sarah Palin, Live and Unplugged" is no small task.

Quite the opposite, in fact. Much like the war in Iraq and a plan to build a $30 billion natural gas pipeline in Alaska, preparing Palin for prime-time is nothing short of a "task from God."

Just ask her--I'm sure she'll agree, even if the Caribou doesn't.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Proving She Can Hang WIth The Big Boys, Gov. Palin Lies, Gets Away With It At RNC

It’s common knowledge that politicians will occasionally stretch the truth in order to suit their agenda. Less common is when a politician takes the truth, and douses it with gasoline and 100-proof alcohol before blasting it with an industrial-grade blow torch.

Which is exactly what happened when Gov. Palin attempted to prove herself as a reform-minded, maverick on the issue of wasteful, earmark spending in Congress.

"I told Congress, thanks but no thanks on that bridge to nowhere," Palin told the cheering crowd of supporters at the RNC on Wednesday night, referring of course to the $398 million bridge project to connect Ketchikan, Alaska to a remote island with 50 residents and an airport.

Apparently, Palin's memory of the incident is a little fuzzy. Turns out, not only did Palin SUPPORT the bridge proposal, she actually ran for Governor of Alaska in 2006 on a "build-the-bridge" platform. It was only after she won the election and faced national criticism that she decided the bridge-to-nowhere had to go. As for the money originally allocated for the project?

She told Congress, "Thanks, and more thanks!"

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sarah Palin: The Lipstick Wearing Pit Bull Unleashed!

While the media wets itself gushing over Sarah Palin's science bashing, life-loving, anti-elitist speech to the RNC last night, the public finally got to see and hear exactly what it is the Republican's VP candidate stands for.

Let's see if we got this right...

Palin loves America, hockey moms, pit bulls, lipstick, unborn fetuses, special needs children, war, guns, hunting, and Alaska.

On the other hand, she hates community activists, Arugula, the "angry left," a woman's right to choose, Washington elites, gays, and anyone who does not have a loaded 54 Magnum under their pillow.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Gov. Palin Thrilled To Be Grandma; VP Not So Much

This is almost too easy. After months and months of bashing Obama on his so-called lack of experience, McCain and his crack-squad team of advisers decided to go ahead and nominate perhaps the single most unqualified vice-presidential nominee in history.

With just 20 months of experience under her belt as governor of Alaska (a state with less people than many major U.S. cities), VP candidate Sarah Palin is the epitome of a political virgin. Too bad the same can’t be said about her 17-year-old, pregnant daughter, Bristol. (But don’t worry, young Bristol is doing what any responsible, God-fearing teenage gal would do, and is keeping the baby!!)

Of course, like any good, abstinence-loving conservative, Gov. Palin was so thrilled her unwed teenage daughter decided to start a family, that she could barely contain her motherly pride and excitement. We just hope she's not pissed when she finds out McCain lied and "Vice-President" is not really just another synonym for "Grandmother."