Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Yay! Michigan Republicans Bravely Solve Budget Deficit By Forcing Foster Kids To Wear Thrift Store Clothes Like The Poor, Parentless Schlubs They Are

Much like fellow brokeass Midwestern hell-state being destroyed by a psycho Republican governor with a deep-seated hatred of poor people, Wisconsin, Michigan too is facing a serious budget crisis with a deficit of $1.4 billion, largely thanks to those greedy, money-grubbing teachers and plumbers unions always demandin' fair wages and basic health coverage.

And much like you would expect from a newly elected CEO-turned-Grand-Old-Protector of rich, white people, Michigan head honcho Slick Rick Snyder naturally decided to fix this fiscal problem by giving businesses and mega corporations $1.8 billion in tax cuts, because in Republican fantasy land, the best way to get rid of ballooning, out-of-control deficits is to promptly double it.

But how on God's no-longer green Earth can adding to the already monstrous deficit actually end up reducing it, you ask? Hello?? Ever hear of a little contingency plan, a secret ace-up-your-sleeve called "foster kids?" You know those raggedy, starving, orphan fat cats who get their kicks seeking shelter under the abandoned bridge downtown and hoping that maybe someday somebody will love them.

Ha, well somebody better tell li'l orphan Annie the free ride is over because Daddy Warbucks' bank account has just dried up! No more will the state of Michigan be forking over some measly stipend so these spoiled parentless children have actual clothes, not rags, to wear to school!

Instead, Republican lawmakers have come up with a brilliant plan to fix the new business tax cuts cost on the (bruised, broken, no longer clothed) backs of foster kids who will now be forced to buy their school year duds at thrift stores, not fancy shmancy elitist stores like Walmart.

Who cares if the Republican's plan doesn't save the economically-strapped Michigan a single dime? Serves those pesky orphans right always expecting Uncle Sam to step up and save them from dying in gutters all because they chose to not have parents, like normal, house-dwelling peers.
A small part of the DHS savings, about $200,000, would come from adjustments to the clothing allowance for foster children, or children of the working poor, of $79 for school clothes. Michigan state Sen. Bruce Caswell said children will still get close to that $79, but would be issued gift cards that can only be used at the Salvation Army, Goodwill or other thrift stores.
"Close to," meaning "less" presumably because seriously, how much pampering does one pitiful, poor little orphan child need? For all we know, these pint-sized freeloaders crawled onto a random doorstep as babies, or tricked their parents into dying in tragic house fires or 15-car pile-ups, specifically so they could get on the government dole.

Besides, as state Sen. Caswell told reporters, there's nothing wrong with wearing old clothes.
"I never had anything new," he said. "I got all the hand-me-downs. And my dad, he did a lot of shopping at the Salvation Army, and his comment was -- and quite frankly it's true -- once you're out of the store and you walk down the street, nobody knows where you bought your clothes."
Or if they were even bought at all, instead of swiped on some pre-paid government-subsidized card for wretched welfare children relying on public assistance to meet their basic needs.

But on the bright side, if people did know where their clothes were brought, it would probably further humiliate foster children, which would maybe lead to more of these riff-raffs finally offing themselves, which at the very least, would save the state even more nickels and dimes.

And since foster kids can’t vote, at least while their all gross and kid like, and nobody really cares about them that much (once they're out of the womb, that is), they have absolutely no political power anyway.

The real question then becomes why the hell weren't Republicans making cuts to foster kids before? Think about it, people!

Not only would America be free of these parasite orphans, who next to teachers and firemen, are clearly societies biggest money-sucking leeches, but it is also the single best way ever to hand Big Business money, instead of wasting precious resources giving hand outs to starving street children, otherwise known as Big Orphan, Inc.

Although, by forcing a 6-year-old stray boy to wear a hot pink "world's best grandma" t-shirt, how will the GOP be able to distinguish the disgusting poor from an equally repulsive, unwanted, brown-skinned Mexican border jumper? Or even scarier, an out-n-proud student body president at the University of Michigan??

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Offensive, Racist Emails About Obama's Birthplace? Just (Monkey) Business As Usual For The Republicans!

When not participating in their other favorite pastime shrieking Muslim slurs at frightened children and their families attending a charity event, conservatives in Orange County, California typically return to their good, old fashioned racist roots in the form of some hilarious black-president-is-a-Socialist-monkey-from-Kenya email, picture, or other awesomely bigoted internet-related humor.

And guess what people?? They're getting better at it!

“It’s much more racist than the watermelon email,” a county party official said. Can you say mission accomplished!?

Thanks to the bitter old lady talents of one elected member of the Orange County Republican Party, ancient GOP official Marilyn Davenport, life for the gross, hell-bound, eternally damned gays isn't the only thing that gets better these days.

Life is also improving for terrible hate-filled lunatics, white supremacists, world famous dentist-lawyer-real-estate-agent-birther-freakshows named Orly Taitz, and of course those lovely pillars of the community like Marilyn Davenport who enjoy sending emails with the words, "Now you know why no birth certificate," accompanied by an Obama family portrait showing them as apes with Obama's face plastered on a baby chimpanzee.

"I simply found it amusing regarding the character of Obama and all the questions surrounding his origin of birth," Davenport wrote. "In no way did I even consider the fact he's half black when I sent out the email. In fact, the thought never entered my mind until one or two other people tried to make this about race. . . . I received plenty of emails about George Bush that I didn't particularly like yet there was no 'cry' in the media about them."
So true. Leave it to the liberal mainstream media elites to ignore all the horrible, meany, racist jokes bein' sent around about America's first (and only!) conservative white Christian cowboy president of special needs.
Reached by telephone and asked if she thought the email was appropriate, Davenport said, “Oh, come on! Everybody who knows me knows that I am not a racist. It was a joke. I have friends who are black. Besides, I only sent it to a few people–mostly people I didn’t think would be upset by it.”
Like white people, duh! Besides, everyone knows black people are monkeys, but everyone also knows monkeys are awesome and adorable, so it's totally not racist. This is how jokes work, especially when you're a miserable old 80-year-old wretch who hates anyone whose skin tone does not rest comfortably between skim milk and marshmallow fluff.

Just ask longtime Orange Country (read: no blackies welcome!) Republican activist Tim Whitacre, who defended Davenport because that is what white people who hate black people do for each other.
"Marilyn Davenport is a staunch, ethical Republican lady. There is nothing unethical about this from a party standpoint because it wasn't sent out to the party at large with any racist statements and it wasn't signed as a central committee member. As a private individual, she is just real big on Birther stuff. One of her passions that drives her is the president's lack of forthrightness about where he was born. Marilyn believes that nobody knows where he was born and so this picture says a thousand words."

"She is not a perfect lady, but she is no racist. She is a gentle person who would feed you, help you, be there for you if you were in trouble. She is known as a pleasant, loving person, and it kills me that she is being attacked by this non-story knowing her mindset."
As an unhinged nutjob who no likey brown people?

Another GOP official, who also asked not to be identified, said that Davenport is "a really, really sweet old lady so I am surprised to hear about this."

For the rest of the population however, racist black-people-as-monkey jokes should probably be left to those not elected to represent one of the nation's two biggest political parties, like say those delightful patriots who named their movement after a sexual act involving testicles being (willingly or unwillingly) dipped in another participant's mouth.
Scott Baugh, chairman of the OC Republican Party, called the email tasteless, saying, "When I saw that email today I thought it was despicable. It is dripping with racism and it does not promote the type of message Orange County Republicans want to deliver to the public. I think she should consider stepping down as an elected official."

Michael J. Schroeder, an Orange County resident and former chairman of the California Republican Party, also said he was disgusted.

“This is a three strikes situation for Marilyn Davenport,” Schroeder said. “She was a passionate defender of former Newport Beach City Councilman Dick Nichols, who stated that he was voting against putting in more grass at Corona del Mar’s beach because, he said, there were already ‘too many Mexicans on the beach.’ She was also on the wrong side of the fence with the Los Alamitos mayor and his White House watermelon patch picture. Now, she has managed to top both of those incidents by comparing African Americans to monkeys. She has disgraced herself and needs to resign. If she doesn’t, the Republican Party must remove her.”
Remove her?? Haha, puh-lease! C'mon, do you even know the Republican Party? The racist li'l lady deserves a promotion!

Good thing, Marilyn Davenport knows sending racist emails is nothing to get worked up about.

"That being said, I will NOT resign my central committee position over this matter that the average person knows and agrees is much to do about nothing."

Unlike a certain monkey man from Kendonesia's birth origins, I suppose.

Quick someone alert the Donald! Looks like we just found him the perfect (non-primate) running mate.
Hey, The Marilyn Davenport, guess what you're hired!

Turn your hearing aid up, I SAID, YOU'RE HIRED!!!

What are you a monkey brain or something??

Friday, April 15, 2011

Donald Trump: "I've Always Had A Great Relationship With The Blacks!" It's "The Brains" He's Always Had Trouble With!

Yo, yo, wassup America? Dis here's da Donald comin' at cha live and in (unnaturally orange) color. So fresh and so clean, cause you know that be how the Trump Daddy rolls!

So what's got Trump Dizzle trippin, you ask?

Lord knows it ain't for lack of scrilla, amiright? Holla!

Thankfully, all's good with the green, but there is another, much darker, much scarier color that's giving the Donald some trouble, and for once it's not his fake bronzed, electric sun-kissed wife!

“I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks. But unfortunately, it seems that, you know, the numbers you cite are very, very frightening numbers,” Trump said when asked about Obama’s sky-high support among African Americans during a radio interview.

So true! All the other brothas be all over Barry like white on rice, what up wit dat!?
Trump said the numbers were troubling and pointed to Hillary Clinton as proof that he probably won’t get the kind of support among African-Americans that he deserves.
“I tell it like it is,” Trump said. “[Y]ou’ll hear a political reporter go on and say it had nothing to do with race. But how come she had such a tiny piece of the vote? And you know, it’s a very sad thing.” [...]
Radio host Fred Dicker said, somewhat rhetorically, that votes should always be based on merit, not on race.
“If that were the case, why did Hillary Clinton do so poorly?” Trump asked.
Yeah, now that you mention it, why did Hillary do so poorly with Trump's BFF "The Blacks??"

Tsk, tsk! And to think, just when we were finally starting to make progress by actually electing a white person to the presidency, "the blacks" had to go and ruin everything!

For the love of luxury rentals, when will a poor, suffering white guy like Donald Trump ever be allowed success at anything?

Maybe when the African American community wakes up and heeds Trump Diddy's wonderful, sound advice not to vote for the half-black guy they actually agree with, but for the funny-looking dude with something resembling road kill perched atop his head, who refers to them as "the blacks," instead.

Until then, guess what, "The Blacks?" You're fired!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Sarah Palin Supports The Donald's Crazy, Fake Birther Quest For President Of The United States Of Jesus

Since rich people obviously don't have to pay taxes in this country we call America (that's for poor people, silly!), the "haves" and "have-mores" among us must constantly come up with new and creative ways to squander their massive, undeserved fortunes, if only as a gentle reminder how much better, and more well off they are than your pathetic, schlubby working class ass.

Take failed businessman, Donald Trump, for example. His so-called "run" for the White House is such an epic disaster, that in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to divert attention from his own toupee-wearing ineptitude and narcissistic delusions of grandeur, he's decided to embark on a very sudden, very public quest to (re)discover the mysterious 44th president Barack Hussein Soetoro Obama's true origins.

Some Socialist WHORE's womb in deepest darkest Africa??

Good thing at least one fellow unemployed grifter understands and "appreciates" the pressing need to search for publicity self-respect President Obama's birth certificate in the allegedly "United" state of volcanoes, surfing, and fake presidential anchor babies, Hawaii.
"I appreciate that the Donald wants to spend his resources on something that so interests him and so many Americans," Sarah Palin told Fox News. "More power to him. He’s not just throwing stones, you know — from the sidelines. He’s digging in there. He’s paying for researchers to know why President Obama would have spent $2 million to not show his birth certificate. So more power to him."
Indeed! The Donald Trump, you're hired!
"Well, you know, I think he was born in Hawaii because there was the birth announcement put in the newspaper. But obviously, if there’s something there that the president doesn’t want people to see on that birth certificate," she said. "Then he seems to go to great lengths to make sure it isn’t shown, and that's kind of perplexing for a lot of people."
Especially the retarded special needs ones, who may or may not be running for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to represent the few, the proud, the toothless Birther-Truther-Oather segment of the population before getting humiliated by the very same no-good illegal alien NObama in the general elections.

And although Palin claims that our president was born right here, in her favoritest Jesus blessed Freedomland, she just knows (the North Star told her!) Obama is hiding something. Something dark, something sinister!

But whatever would President Obama be hiding, if not his African birthplace? His secret lady parts? That his real father is Muammar Gaddafi? Or maybe Darth Vader's Socialist space lizard twin? Point is, nobody knows!

What we do know however is that Donald Trump is no ordinary failed business man who's too stupid to even figure out how to make money off the multi-million-dollar casino and New York real estate empire he was born into, and spends all his time roasting his D-list celebrity friends and firing desperate, frightened people on cable teevee instead.

But that's not it! Donald is also creating jobs! Like the cracksquad team of The Apprentice interns he hired not to comb through the luxurious burnt orange colored nest of "hair" resting comfortably atop his head, but rather to comb through freak, obscure Teabagger/Wingnut message boards all day long from the Waikiki Beach Marriott Resort and Spa.

As The Donald told NBC last week, "I have people that have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding."

Tacky, overpriced glass-and-gold-trim condo buildings, an endless, well-stocked supply of even younger, even hotter new trophy wives, and enough hand sanitizers and instant Donald Trump™ birth certificates to last the next ten disastrous presidential election campaigns.

Haha, and you thought that handsome coif was only to look presidential.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Don't Worry America, Congress Will Still Get Paid During Government Shutdown Over Ladies & Their Lady Parts

Just in case you were concerned about how Michele Bachmann, John Boehner, John McCain, Joe Wilson, that Nelson nutjob from Nebraska, and all the rest of the lunatic wingnuts comprising America's esteemed 112th Congress are going to survive the Great Government Shutdown of 2011, fear not my friends! They can still get paid, and probably will too, because unpaid furloughs are for losers and poors like teachers and police officers, not millionaire legislators charged with the difficult task of deciding what a woman can and cannot do with her sinful, lust-filled body.
About 800,000 federal workers would be sent home without pay if Congress fails to negotiate a budget deal by Friday night. But whether lawmakers would require themselves to take the same medicine is unclear.

Under House rules, lawmakers have the authority to determine who on their staffs would remain at work as "essential'' employees and who would be furloughed during a shutdown."
Oooh, oooh, please say prostitutes, mistresses, exotic escorts, and underage senate pages qualify as essential!
Lawmakers would continue to get paid during a shutdown, unless the full Congress voted otherwise. Both the House and Senate have voted to suspend their own pay during a shutdown, but as part of legislation that has not passed the other chamber, the Wall Street Journal reports.
Well I should certainly hope so! What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?

But just in case of the off chance that filthy rich, striking politicians continuing to get paid while shutting down operations may look bad to the average schlub, some noble legislators have suggested doing something else with the money (they don't need anyway), like skipping their salaries, shooting the paycheck with a .308 Winchester rifle, or maybe even giving it to gross "charity" or whatever.
On Thursday, some lawmakers said they didn’t believe they should keep their salaries during a shutdown. West Virginia Sen. Joe Manchin, a Democrat, urged his colleagues to return such pay to the Treasury or give it to charity. “I can’t imagine that the president, vice president or any member of Congress—Republican or Democrat—thinks they should get paid when the government has shut down,” Mr. Manchin said.
Poor U.S. representatives! How on God's once-green Earth will they make do on their stock dividends, corporate speaking fees, PAC petty cash accounts, and trust funds alone? Oh, the humanity!

Luckily, their "essential" staffers will still be around to sign for the unmarked boxes of freshly squeezed poor people's tears, tightly packed placentas fresh from the womb, and plentiful stacks of oil-dipped hundred dollar bills courtesy of the Koch brothers.

From TPM:
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has laid a final offer at Republicans' feet, and it will require them to drop their insistence on defunding Planned Parenthood, and accepting what Reid insists is an agreed upon level of spending cuts. If Republicans don't take it, and if Reid's not bluffing, the government will shutdown.

"The number we're not bending on," he told reporters in a press briefing Friday morning. "We're not bending on that and we're not bending on women's health."

The ball is effectively now in House Speaker John Boehner's court. Republicans have signaled a willingness to drop the Planned Parenthood rider in exchange for more spending cuts. But Reid says they've agreed on cut number — $78 billion below President Obama's budget request last year, or about $38 billion off current spending.
Not that it's even about budget cuts or reducing spending at this point. A few billion here, a few billion there. Yawn. What's the diff, right?

C'mon, didn't you people learn anything? It is always about abortion! Even if the Democrats do the unthinkable and cave in to the ludicrous amount of cuts Republicans want to make, everyone knows the GOP will still insist on using it's big orange Boehner to stick in policy riders to defund Planned Parenthood, cripple health care reform, and inform the slutty environment it's not a rape victim when corporations pummel it because it was totally begging for it with its skimpy, half-naked ozone and come drill me mantle.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Another Day, Another Weeping Orange Boehner Wets Himself For No Reason

Democrats and Republicans might be on the verge of shutting down the big, bad gubmint (hooray?) due to some alleged financial dispute, but beloved members of both of our nation's dumb political parties can at least still agree on one thing: even House Speaker John Boehner's inappropriate, borderline hysterical booze tears won't be enough to save the nation now.

After meeting with his Senate majority counterpart (minus the drinking problem), Harry Reid, to discuss always-riveting budget negotiations, John Boehner once again returned to his House Republican caucus to deliver what's come to be known as the sob heard 'round the world.

"Yes. He cried, but only briefly," said one person at the meeting.

Phew! I mean we wouldn't want the ol' Boehns to waste all his glowing moisture droplets in one fell swoop, now would we? Let's just hope he can better budget his tear ducts than he can the actual budget!

So yes it looks like the government is going to shut down tomorrow night because, like, who needs law and order anyway? Certainly not Libya...or the United States!

Because Republicans will NOT do anything, I repeat anything until Obama and the God-awful Democrats agree to withhold all funds for anyone not still connected to a placenta or serving in unnecessary military invasions or occupations overseas.

Ya know, the important people.

But leave it to those pesky Democrats to refuse the Republicans' asinine demands and instead do something really crazy like actually stand up for spending money on some stuff, just to keep the ol' government coiffers filled and humming dysfunctionally along.

The nerve!
The one-week stopgap drafted by House Republicans would provide money through Sept. 30 for the Pentagon, which has said the budget fight is causing considerable problems for the military. The inclusion of the military spending should win support for the bill even from House conservatives who had previously said they would not back any more temporary spending measures. It also allows Republicans to say they are making certain that troops fighting overseas do not miss a paycheck.
Oooh, thank heavens Republicans don't have to worry about people saying they don't sufficiently love the troops with all their ice cold, corporate-sponsored, oil-soaked li'l hearts, since this is pretty much the only thing that concerns the Grand Old Party, other than legislating what a woman can or cannot do with her hooha.

Priorities, people!

“There is an intent on both sides to continue to work together to try to resolve this. No one wants the government to shut down," Boehner said, his lower lip once again quivering and eyes filling with faux warm wet droplets. Wink, wink.

Haha, dumb Democrats didn't even realize his fingers were crossed behind his back, which everyone knows is the universal sign for psyching out Democratic congressmen (and women!).

Which isn't all that hard when all you have to do is demand a bunch of outrageous, nonsensical concessions from the party in power and call it a comprise, stockpile some tear ducts, gather a crowd of lamestream jourrnalists, and scare the bejesus out of caring Democrats by making yet another half-hearted, ill-intended promise to shutdown the terrible, no-good government everyone hates except when Republicans are running it.

 “I’ve got to tell you all that I like the president personally,” John Boehner said. “We get along well. But the president isn’t leading. He didn’t lead on last year’s budget, and he clearly is not leading on this year’s budget.”

Unlike a certain Speaker Leaker of the House, whose unparalleled leadership skills can clearly be seen by the trail of bourbon-flavored tear drops leading to the one place America can't afford to shut down: the local tanning salon, duh!

Which is still a helluva lot better than the latest, greatest GOP "compromise" the Republicans will cook up next, if they want to avoid government shutdown another two weeks: the immediate killing of the first born child in every Democratic family.

See, told ya governing is easy!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Sarah Palin Says Aloud What The Rest Of Us Silently Wondered, Is Libya A War Or A Squirmish?

Leading Shakespearean scholar and philosopher of Facebook, Dr. Sarah Louise Palin is very confused about what the dickens is going on over in Liberia, err, Latvia, wait, or was it Libya (she can never remember!), and not just because she's a stupid snowbilly grifter whose IQ is the same number as the average winter temperature in Wasilla.

Heavens no!

It is simply because during his latest failed attempt to do anything, Barack Hussein Obama refused to say exactly what the U.S. of A is even doing in this weird Muslim country she's never heard of. Is it a war, an intervention, or as Sarah suspects, some kind of squirmish, which the rest of us can only assume is either a battle to the death between two Earth worms, or a kind of practice-war, a squimmage, of sorts.

All of which Sarah finds so disconcerting that she just had to immediately go on her favoritest Fox News to "refudiate" all the terrible things Barack Obama did or did not say during his God-awful, hoity-toity, nuance-filled, elitist, non-war declaring, pussy address to America.

Wait, what's this we hear? Sarah did start to feel some of that hopey-changey hogwash NObama is always squawking 'n squeaking about during that magical moment when he decided to toss in some ridiculous "North Star" metaphor in his speech.

Turns out, this is the exact sort of idiocy Sarah Palin likes.

"The Great North Star, with its abiding light o'er land and sea. A beacon bright!" she squeals in delight, before going off on some weird tangent about the North Star bein' Alaskan's GPS system and usin' it as a guide to stay focused on what really matters. (Making Mount McKinley's of money?)

Umm, yeah. Not only does Obama have a brand spanking new squirmish on his hands, he's also starting to talk like Sarah Palin's even more special needs alter ego, Lou Sarah.

OMG, we're all sqruewed!

And to think, I always thought squirmish was the sound of some silly squank stomping on the English language!