Barack Hussein Obama Fools The World!

The whackjobs and conspiracy theorists behind the Obama "birther" movement spend their days traipsing around the country bitching, moaning, and filing lawsuits against Barack Hussein Obama's illegal presidency based on the figment of their imagination that Barry was born in Kenya and not Honolulu as his birth certificate would like you to believe.

Also involved in this elaborate hoax of course are his parents, friends, relatives, in-laws, and government officials at every level, from both parties, spanning several generations. Maybe the printing press and ink manufacturers too. Who knows?

Maybe even former State Department official and vice-presidential daughter Liz "Dick" Cheney who despite being presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, still refused to distance herself from the crazies in her party who insist Obama is not a natural born citizen, but an ILLEGAL ALIEN. Gasp!

The truth is Lizzy understands where the birthers are coming from--and it's not just the mental hospital.

"I think the Democrats have got more crazies than the Republicans do. But setting that aside, one of the reasons you see people so concerned about this, I think this issue is, people are uncomfortable with having for the first time ever, I think, a president who seems so reluctant to defend the nation overseas..."

Of course, she's not saying that Barack Hussein Obama was born in Kenya or anything, just that, "People are fundamentally uncomfortable and fundamentally I think increasingly uncomfortable with an American president who seems to be afraid to defend America, stand up for what we believe in."

Like a White, Christian nation that's been hijacked by an undocumented, migrant Kenyan with extreme socialist tendencies who has managed to pull off the greatest heist the world has ever seen!

And to think, Miss Cheney would actually question the birthplace of another when she hasn't even cleared up the rumors that her own father is actually the mutant offspring of Slimer and a goat.

Fox News' Surgeon General Warning: No Chubbies Allowed!

Everyone knows Fox News is a beacon of light and truth, held to the highest standards of journalistic excellence. Which is why it is up to the most "fair and balanced" news station around to cut through the bull and give the American people the real story, no matter the cost.

In what is no doubt another Pulitzer-Prize worthy report, Fox News' Neil Cavuto hosts a not-at-all awkward segment on whether Obama's new surgeon general nominee, Dr. Regina M. Benjamin, is just too damn fat for the job.

To support this airtight argument, Fox welcomed some bald meathead named Michael Karolchyk wearing a "No Chubbies" T-shirt. Classy.

The esteemed guest then proceeded to rip apart Obama's pick for surgeon general on the basis of her being an Orca whale who's too lazy, gluttonous, and all around blubbery to ever be the nation's top doc. The lady can't even control her own metabolism, how the hell is she gonna teach America not to stuff fried chicken in its mouth all day?

Fox's resident health expert doesn't care if Regina Benjamin is a MacArthur Grant genius who championed the poor at a medical clinic she set up in Katrina-ravaged Alabama. The bottom line is her cheeks are just too chubby, her waistline too thick, and most importantly, she just doesn't look hot enough in a pair of skinny jeans to ever make health care and policy decisions for the country.

"Just cause you eat a lot of dinner rolls, doesn't make you a role model."

Damn right! And who would know better than Michael "No Chubbies" Karolchyk? After all, he is the founder of the Anti-Gym, a fitness club whose great contribution to society is getting clients in shape for sex with the lights on. How many of Dr. Benjamin's Katrina refugee patients can say that?

A health expert with washboard abs who's also a good Samaritan? Why, it's just what the doctor ordered! Even if he isn't one.

Emperor Obama's Health Care Complex

Remember that ever-cool President Barack Obama with his big words and booming voice who's going to fix all the problems of the world if those defeatist Republicans would stop bummer-boning all his good ideas for achieving real progress in this country?

"This isn't about me. This isn't about politics. This is about a health care system that is breaking America's families, breaking America's businesses, and breaking America's economy," Obama said.

"There are some in this town who are content to perpetuate the status quo, are in fact fighting reform on behalf of powerful special interests. There are others who recognize the problem, but believe--or perhaps, hope--that we can put off the hard work of insurance reform for another day, another year, another decade."

You see Big Dog Barry has had it up to here with the "politics of delay and defeat," and he's determined to show all those naysayers who the real boss is: A 6' 2" half-black man of the century who is the antithesis of Napoleon.

Which doesn't bode well for Sen. Jim DeMint, who summed up the Republicans' brilliant strategy of praying Obama's fate echoes that of a certain early 19th century, vertically challenged French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte whose overreaching ambitions turned out to be his downfall, during a conference call with "tea party" participants.

"If we’re able to stop Obama on this, it will be his Waterloo. It will break him."

Effeminate, southern gentleman Sen. Lindsey Graham is also hedging his bets that Emperor Obama will fail in his effort to convince Americans of the need for healthcare reform because it "runs contrary to traditionally American values."

"Basically I think he'll fail, because he's trying to convince America to be something other than America," Graham said. "I don't think he's going to be successful, because Americans really do not feel comfortable turning over healthcare to the government."

Yes, they feel much more comfortable not being able to pay for any treatment at all. Anything's better than this god-awful government of this country that we love taking over yet another perfectly functioning industry. Even death...or malpractice.

Tenessee Cocktail: One Part Gun, Two Parts Liquor...All Disaster

State Senator Doug Jackson is a smart man. He knows how important the right to keep and bear arms is. It's as American as apple pie! But what's even more American is the right to carry concealed weapons into bars and restaurants, thanks to the hard work of national hero Tennessee state senator Doug Jackson, whose brilliant legislation was signed into law after state legislators voted to override the pussy governor's veto.

While some killjoys Tennessee lawmakers have criticized the bill, saying "it's a bad idea to have guns and alcohol in close proximity," others like Sen. Doug Jackson and the National Rifle Association (NRA) know there is nothing to worry about.

Clearly, handgun permit holders in the great state of Tennessee are responsible and would never break the law by actually drinking when they bring their loaded Glock's into an establishment designed solely to provide alcohol to its customers. They have the good sense to know that drunk Southerners and loaded firearms do not mix. That would be lunacy! But, a sober patron packing heat in a crowded bar full of shit-faced, trigger happy, law-abiding citizens is the first step to reducing crime and keeping America safe.

Too bad Democratic Gov. Phil Bredesen, who is a gun owner and hunter himself, doesn't understand that guns don't cause crime, people do.

"I still think I'm right. I still think that guns in bars is a very bad idea. It's an invitation to a disaster."

Don't be silly. Think of it more as an invitation for Tennessee's economy to really blossom. Funeral home directors and undertakers, ca-ching!!

Obama To NAACP: Rainbow Is The New Black

Notorious gay-ignorer President Barack Obama used his speech commemorating the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP)'s 100th anniversary to finally give the Queers of Color some much-needed presidential love.

And to prove that, despite his refusal to act on such weighty matters as the right to get married, serve in the military without being forced back into the closet, and the overall advancement of equality for gays and lesbians, Obama's still down with the gays, the President offered an enthusiastic shout-out to his rainbow brother and sisters.

"On the 45th anniversary of the Civil Rights Act, discrimination cannot stand. Not on account of color or gender--how you worship--or who you love. Prejudice has no place in the United States of America."

Racism, he said, is felt "by African-American women paid less for doing the same work as colleagues of a different color and gender. By Latinos made to feel unwelcome in their own country. By Muslim Americans viewed with suspicion for simply kneeling down to pray. By our gay brothers and sisters, still taunted, still attacked, still denied their rights."

But according to Mr. Perfect Obama, responsibility means more than just allowing black gays and lesbians to live their hedonist lifestyle without fear of getting their asses kicked by their straight, god-fearing brothers and sisters. It means "No excuses!"

"No one has written your destiny for you. Your destiny is in your hands and don't you forget that...We have to say to our children, 'Yes, if you're African-American, the odds of growing up amid crime and gangs are higher."

"But that's not a reason to get bad grades, that's not a reason to cut class, that's not a reason to give up on your education and drop out of school," Obama said. "I want them aspiring to be scientists and engineers, doctors and teachers, not just ballers and rappers. I want them aspiring to be a Supreme Court justice. I want them aspiring to be president of the United States."

In other words, less 50 Cent more Colin Powell. Hell, even RuPaul's an improvement!

Sen. Charles Grassley Still A Twitterin' Fool

Republican Sen. and Twitter sensation Charles Ernest "Chuck" Grassley has taken to the Internets once again to spew nonsense at that terrible President Barack Obama for having the nerve to fix the nation's health care system NOW instead of waiting indefinitely and letting it die a miserable death on the Senate floor, like Grassley and his bipartisan crew of morons and traitors would like.

A crew consisting of none other than Nebraska pseudo Democrat Ben Nelson (hey, it's Nebraska, what did you expect?) and America's least popular Senator from Connecticut, cranky old turncoat Joe "Wah Wah" Lieberman. Yeah!

Just like Twitter King Grassley, these caring lawmakers are committed to "providing relief for American families as quickly as possible, but believe taking additional time to achieve a bipartisan result is critical for legislation that affects 17 percent of our economy and every individual in the U.S."

Guess they just wanna doRITE!

Republicans Keeping It Classy Per Usual

Oh, nothing unusual. Just your average Republican Rep. from Kansas (where else?) Todd Tiahrt ranting against Obama's health care plan with the airtight argument that if health care covered abortions, Obama's mom might have aborted him.

Luckily, Todd understands what Obama and the rest of those socialist Democrats don't--that low-income mothers of African-Americans, like President Barack Obama and Justice Clarence Thomas, would have aborted their children, if only given the opportunity to have a free, government-funded abortion. Oooh enticing!

"There is a financial incentive that would be put in place, paid for by tax dollars, that would encourage single parents, living below the poverty level, to have the opportunity for a free abortion. If you take that scenario and apply it to many of the great minds we have today, who would we have been deprived of? Our President grew up in those similar circumstances. If that financial incentive was in place, is it possible that his mother might have taken advantage of it? Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice, if those circumstances were in place, is it possible that we’d have been denied his great mind?"

Possible sure. Everyone has the right to dream.

Treasury Department Seeks Clown For Hire

OMG, now this is just sad. But also slightly scary when you consider the fact this is the TREASURY DEPARTMENT for crying out loud! Aren't these the same freakin' people who are supposed to be getting us out of this economic meltdown? Well, they're also seeking a clown. I wish I could tell you this is all a joke. But then I'd be lying.

You see one of the divisions of the Treasury Department is the Bureau of the Public Debt. Which there is a lot of. This makes the workers sad and hate their lives. But the brilliant Treasury officials in charge of our money have a solution to this perplexing problem: hire a professional clown to provide "Humor In The Workplace" seminars to Bureau of the Public Debt employees and draw funny cartoons to teach them about the benefits of humor, and how it comes in handy, especially when the whole country's going broke.

Department of the Treasury Seeks Clown for Hire:

The Contractor shall conduct two, 3-hour, Humor in the Workplace programs that will discuss the power of humor in the workplace, the close relationship between humor and stress, and why humor is one of the most important ways that we communicate in business and office life. The contractor shall have the ability to create cartoons on the spot about BPD jobs. The presenter shall refrain from using any foul language during the presentation. This is a business environment and we need the presenter to address a business audience.

Upon completion of the course, participants shall be able to:

• Understand the importance and power of humor in the workplace in a responsible manner
• How to use talents in a creative way that adds humor to everyday experiences
• Alleviate stress in home and the office
• Know how and why humor is important to communication
• Improve work-place relationships
• Prevent burn-out

Someone tell Al Franken to forget the Senate, he is needed at the Treasury Department ASAP!!

Don't Mess With This Alaskan Mama Bear

It is no secret that Mama Bear Sarah Palin will do anything to protect her young from vicious attacks by stealthy predators like twisted talk show hosts, pathetic, hate-spewing bloggers, and even washed up ex-boyfriends/baby daddy's who won't keep their big trap shut!

Palin loves mama bears so much that after a visit with wildlife biologists in Alaska, she couldn't help but Tweet a quick tribute to the lovable but fearsome creatures.

“Great day w/bear management wildlife biologists; much to see in wild territory incl amazing creatures w/mama bears' gutteral raw instinct to protect & provide for her young,” Palin tweeted from her blackberry.

“She sees danger? She brazenly rises up on strong hind legs, growls Don't Touch My Cubs & the species survives & mama bear doesn't look 2 anyone else 2 hand her anything; biologists say she works harder than males, is provider/protector for the future.”

“Yes it was another outstanding day in AK seeing things the rest of America should see; applicable life lessons we're blessed to see firsthand.”

Like how Sarah won't think twice about going mama grizzly on anyone who dares cross her or her sweet little cubs, Piper, Willow, Bristol, Track, and of course, baby Trig. Luckily, Papa Bear Todd can fend for himself.

“The toughest thing has been the shots taken against the kids, against the family. They’re my kids. The mama grizzly bear in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs and say, ‘Wait a minute.’”

Then she'll bite your freakin' head off!

Is This Really What's Best For Alaska?

Lovable Alaskan ice goddess Sarah Palin may not be governing her fair state anymore, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care what happens to the good people of Alaska. You betcha!

So, despite Miss Palin's affinity for wearing a trough full of makeup, ('cept when she goes "totally icognito" for a run), the mysterious goo spotted floating along Alaska's coast was not in fact the residue from Sarah's lovely face after a long day defending her family from the evil media, perverted late night hosts, and pyscho bloggers who hate special-needs children.

Instead, the odorous goo substance, which has been described variously as "goey", "gunky" and "hairy," and is believed to be formed of organic matter, is reportedly floating in strands of up to 15-miles long, with jelly fish and a dead goose also found tangled in its strands.

The US Coast Guard, who took huge "gobs of gunk" to investigate, were relieved to find that the strange goo is not an oil product, the remains of the ex-governor's "stage face," or a hazardous substance of any kind.

"It's definitely, by the smell and make-up of it, some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism," said Petty Officer 1st Class Terry Hasenauer.

"In recent history I don't think we've seen anything like this."

Palin or the goo?

Mark Sanford Disappearing Faster Than South Carolina's Job Rate

South Carolina heartthrob Gov. Mark Sanford skipped a meeting with a top economic adviser and instead headed out of state to spend some quality time with the one woman he hasn't been secretly doing, his lovely wife Jenny!

Now, normally I'm all for a little one-on-one time with the wifey, especially after hubby Mark's tearful confession of an affair with "the love of his life" and "soul mate"--Argentinian hottie, Maria Belen Chapur, when he was supposed to be off hiking the Appalachian Trail, not holed up in a Buenos Aires motel with his long-legged Latina mistress.

But, according to his spokesman Joel Sawyer, Sanford's latest honeymoon outside South Carolina's beautiful borders, is just business as usual for the heartbreaker governor.

"The governor remains committed to repairing the damage he's done to his marriage, and so it shouldn't be any surprise that spending personal time with his wife is a part of that process."

Just like it shouldn't be any surprise that what began as an innocent hike along the Appalachian Trail ended in a teary-eyed governor reading love letters to Maria and bravely admitting all the other extramarital dalliances he so deeply regrets (getting caught in).

So I guess we can only assume that in between cheating on Jenny, seducing women, Latina and otherwise, and all around being an upstanding member of the Republican Party, South Carolina's humble governor has been hard at work fixing the critical budget problems and skyrocketing unemployment rate gripping the state.

Maybe that's why the only thing worse than the state of his marriage is the state of his broke-ass, stimulus-rejecting, job hemorrhaging, neglected, red-headed stepchild of a state, South Carolina.

Not Quite All-Star, But Not As Bad As His Bowling Either

When closet sportscaster Barack Obama threw out the first ball at tonight's All-Star Game that no one cares about, the big question was will he bring the heat like George W. Bush and Herbert Hoover? Or will he be a jelly-armed pussy like Jimmy Carter?

Luckily, President Obama has been practicing since his first big league appearance back in 2005 when, as a lowly U.S. Senator, he threw out the first pitch for his beloved, soon-to-be World Champion White Sox in the AL Championship Series vs. the Angels and managed to meet his goal of just "keeping it high enough to clear the plate." Phew!

"When you're a senator, they show you no respect so they just hand you the ball. You don't get a chance to warm up," Obama said. "Here, at least they had me down with Pujols in the batting cage, practicing a little bit."

Which is good because if Pujols hadn't helped the President by scooping his low throw, the ball would have bounced (gasp!) and Obama's entire political future would be doomed.

Think about it. If you're too good, it's the George W. Bush problem. You can throw a wicked ceremonial first pitch like nobody's business but you can't run the country for sh*t.

On the other hand, if you're too bad, a la Jimmy Carter, whose love of softball sadly didn't transfer into a winning Dubya-like performance during his own 1992 World Series ceremonial first pitch, but a one-hop, two-hop, pathetic dribble into the catcher's mitt. And we all know how his presidency went.

So with a little help from his lucky White Sox jacket, a "loosened" arm, a stadium full of cheering fans, and his pal Albert Pujols' killer scoop, Obama's All-Star pitch technically made it all the way to the catcher. Hooray!

Guess Obama can keep his day job. The jury's still out on his pride though.

Sonia Sotomayor Vows To Uphold Law, Even For White Males

Wise, empathetic, Latina owl Sonia Sotomayor pledged to serve the "larger interest of impartial justice" and not only help minority firefighters, baseball players, and Hispanics.

President Obama's Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring hermit Justice David Souter, sassy South Bronx-born (holla!) Sonia Sotomayor hoped to silence critics, aka Republicans, with her Ivy-League educated words (elitist!) and her 17-year experience as a federal appeals judge during the start of her confirmation hearings before Congress.

“The task of a judge is not to make law,” she said. “It is to apply law...My personal and professional experiences help me listen and understand, with the law always commanding the result in every case."

The Senate Judiciary Committee resumes hearings on Tuesday where Democrats will defend her as a Hispanic pioneer well qualified for the high court and Republicans will question whether this means the end for white male supremacy on Earth. The horror!

But in the brilliant words of Sen. Lindsey Graham, the only Republican to even hint he'd vote to confirm Sotomayor, "Unless you have a complete meltdown, you're going to get confirmed."

Of course, Graham quickly added, "And I don't think you will" reminding everyone that Sonia Sotomayor probably isn't going to go off the deep end and short of a miracle from the GOP God, will likely be easily confirmed.

Sen. Jeff Sessions of Alabama, the senior Republican, vowed a "respectful tone" and "maybe some disagreements" before ripping into this self-proclaimed "wise Latina woman" for ever thinking her experience might sometimes help her reach a better decision than a white male.

"I will not vote for, and no senator should vote for an individual nominated by any president who believes it is acceptable for a judge to allow their own personal background, gender, prejudices or sympathies to sway their decision," he said.

"Call it empathy, call it prejudice or call it sympathy, but whatever it is, it's not law," Sessions said. "In truth, it's more akin to politics, and politics has no place in the courtroom."

At least not when a Democrat is in office, God damn it!

Surprise! Dick Cheney Behind CIA's Sketchy, Secret Spy Program

Normally when something goes awry, the first person (if he can be considered that) people think of is Dick Cheney. For obvious reasons.

So when we started hearing whispers that the CIA has been duping Congress for years about all their super secret spy programs, our natural assumption was that if you delved deeper you'd eventually find Dick. Sorry, Nancy, not this time.

Turns out we were right! According to CIA director Leon Panetta's testimony to congressional intelligence committees, the Central Intelligence Agency withheld information about a secret counterterrorism program from Congress for eight years on DIRECT ORDERS from that lovable cuddlebug, former vice president Dick Cheney.

Now, Mr. Panetta only found out about this top-secret "program's" existence on June 23, and canceled the hell out of America's little underground KGB project the very same day!

Of course, no one will say what Cheney's secret doomsday project involved except that it was not the CIA interrogation program or domestic intelligence activities. Only that the "unidentified program was devised and deliberately concealed from Congress in the tense months after Sept. 11, when the Bush administration believed new Al Qaeda attacks could occur at any moment and brainstormed about radical countermeasures." Like drowning suspects without actually killing them!

Representative Peter Hoekstra of Michigan, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, said he believed Congress would have only approved of the program "in the angry and panicky days after 9/11, on 9/12, but not later, after fears and tempers had begun to cool." The 13th or 14th? Forget about it.

The inspector general's report about the National Security Agency’s domestic surveillance activities revealed that Cheney's legal adviser, David S. Addington, wouldn't let the flippin' Pope know about their secret little program without direct approval from the boss man himself.

Unfortunately, Mr. Addington could not be reached for comment.

It's hard to talk when your tongue is in a shoebox under Dick Cheney's bed.

Forget Moose, Sarah Palin's About To Field Dress Levi Johnston

19-year-old Alaskan daddy Levi Johnston shot to stardom by impregnating abstinence-only crusader and female role model Bristol Palin, whose mother just happens to be the most powerful woman in Alaska! At least before she upped and quit her job of running the damn state in order to make boatloads of money hawking her book to sinners and elitists in the "lower 48."

Well anyway now that he's a real celebrity and all, Levi Johnston figured he'd take a break from appearing on talk shows, pursuing his own book deal or modeling contract and maybe "getting into some movies or something" while also working as a carpenter to share his take on the real reason his almost Mother-in-law decided to abruptly resign as governor of the great state of Alaska.

Johnston, who lived with the Palin family from early December to the second week in January in order to have lots of premarital sex with his baby mama Bristol, claimed he heard the governor say how nice it would be to take advantage of the lucrative deals being offered, such as "books, talk shows, whatever, things like that."

"She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say 'forget everything else,'" he said.

"I've seen how stressful this job was for her, and she came home late at night and things like that." But, Johnston added, "I think the big deal was the book. That was millions of dollars."

So there you have it people. Straight from Levi's lips to your ears: Sarah Palin wanted to get rich from being Alaska's most famous export but was too lazy to be governor at the same time. OMG, alert the presses!

Lack Of Funds, Credibility Dooms Sen. Roland Burris' Re-Election Hopes

Barack Obama's legendary replacement, Sen. Roland "No Taint" Burris, will NOT be running for re-election in 2010, keeping his streak of never being legitimately elected to the U.S. Senate alive and well. Go Roland!

Although Burris has yet to announce his decision publicly, one can only assume it may have something to do with the fact that he was appointed by Illinois' lego-haired crime boss, former Gov. "Hot" Rod Blagojevich as a final "F you" before ditching the pinstriped suit and governor's mansion for striped pajamas and steel bars.

Or the fact that everyone in the state pretty much thinks he's a slime ball like his friend Blago, have repeatedly called for his resignation, and wouldn't elect him to run a marathon let alone a senate seat, had he not been shoved down their throats by a soon-to-be forgotten hairball with a funny name.

Poor Roland tried his hardest, but alas his inability to raise campaign funds proved to be more than even a pint-sized hurricane like Burris could handle. But on the bright side, at least he earned another notch on his personal tribute to himself, The Roland Burris Tombstone of political heroes and Illinois legends.

He's the one next to Abraham Lincoln.

The Truth About Spies Is They Sure Can Lie!

Surprise! Turns out the CIA is very good at something other than finding weapons where they don't exist. They can lie with the best of them! Especially when it comes to "concealing significant actions" from the dumbos in Congress, which they've been doing with ease since 2001, according to a letter from CIA director Leon Panetta to seven Democratic lawmakers.

Which is only slightly awkward since Mr. Spy Chief Panetta just testified to Congress in May that "it is not our policy or practice to mislead Congress—that is against our laws and values." Oops.

Now this has Congress all in a tizzy. They are quite skilled at looking stupid and don't need the CIA's help in this matter, thank you very much.

Of course, because the letter in question doesn't describe the nature of the actions hidden and neither lawmakers nor the CIA would provide details, it is difficult to determine who knew what (no one/nothing?) and who lied to whom (everyone?).

What we do know is that this not the first time Congress and the CIA have come to blows over the spy agency's "information gathering" techniques, namely the Bush administration's favorite activity of drowning suspects with Evian bottles. Which it should be said is closer to a luxury bath than torture.

Rep. Rush Holt, a New Jersey Democrat who chairs a House subcommittee on intelligence, and was among the lawmakers who signed the letter, said the information that was hidden from Congress was not over a small issue, but "serious stuff."

"Our reason for writing the letter in the first place has to do really with the integrity of Congress and the balance of powers."

Well in that case, no worries. Congress never had much integrity and the balance of powers is simple: The White House calls the shots, the CIA carries it out, and everyone agrees to ignore Congress. It's only when that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi woman starts poking her nose around that the CIA is forced to lie.

Damn Nancy Pelosi, she always ruins everything!

Feeling The Heat: G-8 Leaders Agree To Slow Down Assault On Mother Earth

OMG! The United States and the other seven richest economies responsible for turning the world into a CO2-filled, polar bear-less wasteland have finally agreed to stop their lucrative global assault on Mother Earth. Sort of.

For the first time ever, leaders from the Group of Eight industrialized countries agreed to the goal? of keeping the world's average temperature from rising more than 2C (3.6F). Yeah!!

However, any hopes for an international agreement to slash Earth-murdering greenhouse gas emissions by 80 percent by 2050 were scrapped by China and India's refusal to help the atmosphere by hurting their own precious, growing economies.

Despite the mixed results, the latest deal--made possible by America's change in stance since electing someone with a brain to be president instead of a guy it'd be fun to have a beer with--was hailed by leaders as a historic moment in the global fight to save the planet from certain man-made doom!

Just ask British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. He's as excited as an English dude gets!

“Today in Italy we have laid the foundations for a Copenhagen deal that is ambitious, fair and effective. The change from where we were two, three, four years ago is significant. The world has now agreed that the scientific evidence on climate change is compelling.”

In other words, homosexuality, abortion, and Jews are officially off the hook...for now.

Obama Takes His "Responsibility" Tour To Africa

Unlike his possible closeted Muslim faith, Barack Obama's deep ties to Africa is no secret. His father is Kenyan (remember the whole white Kansas mother, black Kenyan father thing?), and as a result, the entire continent is just bonkers for the man. He's like practically their son!

So Africa-Expert President Obama thinks he's earned the right to do what no one has done before. Aside from being the first black U.S. president to go to sub-Saharan Africa, Obama is the first to actually know something about the continent other than it's below us and is hotter than a motherf**ker. Which is good news, if you don't mind a bragger.

Because he's so smart and knows everything, Obama also isn't buying the old, tired excuse blaming all woe and misery on the West for basically raping and pillaging an entire continent for the better part of the century.

He thinks it's time for Africa's leaders to "take responsibility and be held accountable" for the performance of their governments, instead of just using their country's economy as a personal ATM, which has unfortunately been the tradition.

"I'd say I'm probably as knowledgeable about African history as anybody who's occupied my office. And I can give you chapter and verse on why the colonial maps that were drawn helped to spur on conflict, and the terms of trade that were uneven emerging out of colonialism."

"And yet the fact is we're in 2009. The West and the United States has not been responsible for what's happened to Zimbabwe's economy over the last 15 or 20 years. It hasn't been responsible for some of the disastrous policies that we've seen elsewhere in Africa...And I think the people of Africa understand that. The problem is, is that they just haven't always had the opportunities to organize and voice their opinions in ways that create better results."

Getting your hand chopped off so you can't vote tends to do that to a person.

New York Congressman Pete King Will Not Honor Dead Pop Stars Who Aren't Cops

Long Island congressman Pete King is very upset. So upset in fact that he too has decided to take his wrath to the Internets and broadcast his very important message on the YouTube for all the world to see.

But what has Pete so hot around the collar? Michael Jackson, that's what!

What Congressman King doesn't understand is why the media is falling all over itself to honor a freak like Michael Jackson instead of the good men and women of our country who are dying everyday in Iraq and Afghanistan and fighting fires and working in AIDS clinics and just being regular folks who don't have chimps as best friends and live in amusement parks where they never grow old.

But noooo. Suddenly this "lowlife dies and his name, his face, his picture is all over the newspapers, TV, and radio, all we hear about is Michael Jackson!"

"Let's knock out the psycho babble. This guy was a pervert, a child molester, a pedophile, and to be giving him this much coverage, day in and day out, what does this say about us as a country?"

You mean other than oddly obsessed with celebrities, death, or even better, a combination of both who makes our lives look totally normal by comparison?

"I just think we're too politically correct as a country. No one want's to stand up and say we don't need Michael Jackson...But to glorify him like some hero? There's nothing good about this guy. He may have been a good singer, did some dancing, but the bottom line is would you let your child or grandchild be in the same room as Michael Jackson?"

With the King of Pop? Hell yeah!! But Peter T. King of Nothing? Eh, no thanks.

Sarah Takes Her Media War To The Internets!

Since shocking the world with her untimely departure as Alaska's sexiest rogue governor, Sarah Palin has kept a low profile, emerging only to fight back against the evil mainstream media via her fave two underground communication channels, Facebook and Twitter, where she still sports the INACCURATE name AKGovSarahPalin!! Please, Sarah, stop getting everyone's hopes up.

It is on these two obscure websites that sweet Sarah vented her understandable frustration at the terrible media for being "most predictable, ironic, and as always, detached from the lives of ordinary Americans who are sick of the politics of personal destruction."

Sarah and her cabal of Anchorage lawyers also assured that lawsuits will be slapped against such vicious hate-mongers as MSNBC, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Huffington Post and all other anti-American forces working overtime to expose Palin's decision to quit governing as anything but totally normal and completely wholesome.

How dare they ask a single question after their superstar Alaskan governor crazily ups and leaves during a sudden "news" conference the Friday before the 4th of July holiday weekend? They should already know the answer, damn it!

"How sad that Washington and the media will never understand; it’s about country...My family and I decided because we have accomplished more during this one term than most governors do in two."

"And though it's honorable for countless others to leave their positions for a higher calling and without finishing a term, of course we know by now, for some reason a different standard applies for the decisions I make.”

As honorable as when Eliot Spitzer and Rod Blagojevich left in the middle of their terms for a "higher calling?" Oh and if he plays his cards right, maybe Mark Sanford too.

Sarah Palin's Not-At-All-Sketchy Decision To Abandon Alaska

The Fourth of July is supposed to be all about patriotic celebration, with plenty of food, family, fun and fireworks. But nooooooo. Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin had to go and ruin it for everyone by announcing she is quitting her illustrious non-job as governor of our beloved 49th state. She must really hate America to drop a bomb like this on our Independence Day, of all times! For shame, Sarah! Have you no decency?

But what's behind our fair ice queen's rash decision to quit being governor of the frozen tundra and Russian buffer of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election? Certainly her decision was based on more than just sheer lunacy, right?

Hmmm, let's take a look:

• Is Mama Bear Palin's getting ready to welcome another little cub into the mix? One that she can give a bizarre name to, parade around town, and then spend the rest of her days trying to tear the heart out of anyone who dares utter a word about her sweet little miracle of God? Let's just hope this one doesn't end up like Bristol...

• Sarah Palin's brother knows the real reason why lovely sister Sarah called it quits. She was sick and tired of spending "80 percent of her time defending herself" from the evil Media. Which must mean she didn't feel like shrieking at late-night comedians and mean-spirited photoshopping bloggers for wanting daughter Willow raped and special-needs baby Trig murdered, respectively. Screaming for weeks at a time can be so exhausting!

• Perhaps some sort of BIG, about-to-break scandal has sent Sarah suddenly packing? Something nice and juicy involving Sarah and her snow-mobiling, secessionist husband Todd steering lucrative state contracts to a well-connected company, Spenard Building Supplies, in exchange for innocent thank you's like their kick-ass home on pristine Lake Lucille in 2002? Not our sweet Sarah. That Alaskan maverick is gonna clean up ol' Washington once and for all! You betcha' she is!

• Nasty Neocon God Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that Palin is not a serious candidate for Republicans because she's dumber than rocks and any real GOP contender has to actually understand the issues and stop speaking in cliches and platitudes because it just plain looks bad. No foolin' neither!

• Could it be that Sarah's out of the game? Gasp! According to this nasty rumor, Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good." Uh-oh. Did Papa Krauthammer push delicate Sarah's last buttons? Or maybe she finally got the hint?? Eh, probably not.

I say the best guess from Palin's "rambling and sometimes confusing" resignation speech is pretty much no one knows what the hell she's doing, least of all the woman herself. She'll finish her book, go promote it in the "lower 48" aka fake America hell, spend time with her (growing?) family, give paid speeches, fundraise for the GOP, talk with folks, and who knows, maybe even consider a national run. Or just a regular one around the old Wasilla jogging trail. Hell, maybe she'll just go back to school. Didn't really stick the first time around.

Sarah Palin And Forrest Gump Have More In Common Than Their IQ

When she's not starting fights with perverted talk show hosts and bloggers who hate special-needs children, Sarah Barracuda Palin likes to throw on a pair of Asics (no hoity toity Nike's for her!), breathe in the beautiful sub-zero Alaskan air and hit the trails runnin'!

Ice queen Sarah Palin knows here's nothing quite like the feeling of your thighs throbbing and lungs burning as you witness the beauty of our 49th state, the great Russian watchdog of Alaska.

"It's absolutely heaven. I see God's hand all over this place. As I get out there and run, I see the most beautiful signs of this evolutionary process that has created the mountains and the glacial retreats that have left the valleys and the rivers."

Evolutionary process?? Please don't tell us you turned all elitist and started believing in science now that you're a big shot politician and all. C'mon, Sarah, you of all people should know that glaciers are God's swimming pools and valley's are nothing more than the lord's footprints. Don't tell anyone, but I think I saw a swoosh imprint. Damn arugula-eating, Nike-wearing deity's!

But the one thing Sarah does not like other than a "moose's butt plopping on over into the trail" or falling in front of Secret Service ("so stinkin' embarrassing!") is not being able to run, like on the campaign trail with old man McCain.

"I feel so crappy if I go more than a few days without running. I have to run. No matter how rotten I feel before or during a run, it's always worth it to me afterwards. Sweat is my sanity. A great frustration I had during the campaign was when the McCain staff wouldn't carve out time for me to go for a run. The days never went as well if I couldn't get out there and sweat."

Take away this sparkplug's ability to sweat and suddenly Africa is no longer an entire continent, but a single country, she can't remember the name of a single newspaper in America (Wasilla Times?), and "the bailout helps those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy because it's gotta be all about job creation."

But on the brightside, if the whole political thing doesn't work out, Sarah always has a bright future making fun exercise DVDs. You betcha!

Glenn Beck Knows Only Osama Bin Laden Can Save America From Barry Obama

Don't be frightened America. Fox News' golden-haired patriot Glenn Beck and Teddy Ruxpin's evil twin, former CIA agent Michael Scheuer know what needs to be done to save the mighty Red, White, and Blue from certain doom thanks to Comrade Barry and the rest of the Democratic pussies currently in charge of ruining the country.

Osama bin Laden must "deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States" if this country ever hopes to return to its pre-Obama glory days when the U.S. of A was number one and everyone else could basically just go suck it. Because if there's anything Glenn Beck and his special friend Michael Scheuer understand, it is that uppity politicians like Obama only care about staying in office, praise from the media, and what the god-forsaken Europeans think about them.

Which is why America's only hope is a catastrophic attack courtesy of Osama that will "force Americans to demand that their government protect them effectively, consistently, and with as much violence as necessary."

Come to think of it, why not just shock and awe this immigrant-ridden wasteland ourselves and save Mr. bin Laden the effort? Communicating from caves can be soooooo annoying these days!

He's Good Enough, He's Smart Enough And Doggone It, More People Like Him

OMG, we've waited and waited and finally our prayers have been answered--homosexual self-help guru Stuart Smalley is officially headed to the U.S. Senate!

Eight months, a couple of recounts, and countless court fights after the epic battle between SNL comedian turned godless Democrat Al Franken and hippie stoner turned lame Republican Norm Coleman first began, the Minnesota Supreme Court ended it with one swift stroke of the gavel, unanimously awarding the grand prize of being Minnesota's second senator to Mr. Hollywood Al Franken!

But, unlike previous court rulings that allowed Norm Coleman to keep his Ann Coulter-thin chances of winning alive, the Minnesota Supreme Court's rejection of each of Coleman's five legal arguments meant the end of Norm's sore-loser crusade, forcing him to concede. And reluctantly hand over America's puritan heart to terrorist leader Barack Obama and his 60-strong Democratic supermajority of sinners.

But the fun's just starting kids! Because Franken isn't just the missing piece in the Dem's power puzzle, he's everything the Republicans love to hate. A certified celebrity elitist who went to Harvard (gasp!) and isn't afraid to don a diaper and bunny ears, talk with a lisp, and call himself a man, is still able to unseat the GOP incumbent on his first run for public office. A fellow Jew but nonetheless...