Obama Gently Reminds Serial Hotel Maid Groper & (Former) IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Look With Your Eyes, Not With Your Hands!

"Sir, Step Away From The First Lady!"

Some pictures say a thousand words. This one just says four: Watch It Old Man!

Okay, okay, fine, so alleged sexual assault is usually no laughing matter. But then again, this 2009 photo of alleged sexual assaulter and serial maid harasser Dominique Strauss-Kahn meeting President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle is pretty funny, considering Dominique's wild lady-grabbing ways were not yet internationally renowned.

Nice attempt at restraint, though Prez!

But, sorry Barry, we're not buying it! We all know what you'd really like to say...

"Oh, you're Dominique Strauss-Kahn, The Great Seducer (of upscale hotel help)?"

"Well, I don't care who the hell you are or what the hell your name is. Try that move again, Pierre, and you'll finally see what it feels like to be one of those third world countries you're always screwing. Except this time, the country wears black leather chaps, sleeps in the bunk above you, slaps your ass, and likes to be called Big Daddy Jim."

Oooh La La!

Eric Cantor: Putting The Can't In Helping Tornado Victims Or Anyone Not Named Eric Cantor

House majority leader and sniveling greed monster Eric Cantor (Republican-Hell) never met a natural disaster victim he didn't feel complete indifference towards or emergency relief budget he didn't want to slash into tiny bits and pieces, sort of like the town of Joplin, Missouri where raging tornadoes and violent storms killed at least 122 people, reduced buildings to dust and decimated much of the city. Just like God intended!

Good thing young gun Eric Cantor knows the government can't just go around helping desperate, suffering people every time some crazy F-5 tornado strikes some small town or another in the middle of the country, killing scores of men, women, and children, and will do all he can to stop police, firefighters, and emergency medical workers from pulling victims out from under rubble because saving lives costs money. Precious money that Uncle Sam simply does NOT have, probably because it's already all gone to oil subsidies and paying Cantor's Very Important Congress Person's hefty salary and primo benefits.

Priorities, people!

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said Monday that if Congress passes an emergency spending bill to help Missouri’s tornado victims, the extra money will have to be cut from somewhere else.

But which Socialist government program the Republicans hate (all of them?) should get de-funded first?

Let's see, does it include the words defense and/or security and involve authorizing hundreds of billions of dollars to fight bloody wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and anywhere else there are endless supplies of Muslims, oil pipelines, and misplaced 9/11 hysteria? Because, so long as it is not providing medical care for the 9/11 emergency workers or helping the victim's families or anything wasteful and unnecessary like that, rest assured, it's a helluva lot safer than some hapless tornado victim schlub in Joplin.

Which is more than can be said for Eric Cantor's reelection chances.

Besides, everyone knows, them Joplin folks will just waste all that money on food and shelter anyway.

Perhaps a better idea would be to just drop a house on him instead.

Sarah Palin's Burning Belly Means She's Either Running For President Or Naming Her Next Child Fire

Unlike that delicate, sensitive Mississippi flower Haley Barbour or creationist and cream puff-loving minister of cheeseburgers Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin has got what it takes (a low IQ?) to run for president of the United States of Jesus. For one thing, she is more than prepared for the many challenges that lie ahead, not to mention, has tons of experience coming in second place. In fact, it's the one thing she excels at!

But most importantly, Sarah Louise Palin has that proverbial fire in her belly, meaning there is either some sort of glowing ember of heat burning inside her, desperately making her want to run for president, or First Dude Todd deposited another precious li'l bun in her oven.

"I am so adamantly supportive of the good, traditional things about America. … I want to make sure America is put back on the right track and we will do that by defeating Obama in 2012. I have that fire in my belly," Sarah Palin told Greta van Susteren.

The former vice presidential nominee said one hurdle is "understanding the huge amount of scrutiny and the sacrifices that have to be made on my children's part in order to see their mama run for President."

Like no more unprotected sexytime in the back of Papa's pickup, got it Bristy? Same goes for you Piper!

But it's not just the pesky kids who are getting in the way of SarBear's White House dreams. It's all the haters in the lamestream media always tryin' to bait her and her family by askin' tough, non-yes-or-no-questions, reportin' on Bristol jivin' in a gorilla costume on national teevee, and all the other "little, petty, stupid things" they're always doin.

This makes Mama Grizzly very angry! And as evidenced in the video, tweakier than a methhead in her hometown Wasilla.

"I think its sick, I think its ridiculous. It's such a waste of time, time is our most precious resource. I'm tired of wasting it."

Unlike, say, the dime-a-dozen barrels of petroleum fun begging desperately to be freed from their frozen underground cages by some patriot with the skills and sense to wanna drill, baby drill (and spill, baby spill!) all over the Earth's crust.

Because, even though Mama Grizz wants nothing more than to run for president of the Lower 48, and stick it to all the haters, she has trouble "not taking the bait" from the terrible, awful, no-good, meany liberal lamestream media she's always ranting about for making her and her ever-growing brood rich and famous, with as many moose piles of money as their frozen hearts desire.

Of course, it's easy for a nobody like Greta Van Susteren to simply say, "then don't take the bait" when it's not her litter of terrible kids getting knocked up in high school, crusading for abstinence via poorly made after school special-like infomercials, joining the Army to avoid jail time for vandalizing a school bus, or getting chin jobs for medical reasons, not because their God-given face wasn't up to snuff.

Good thing, Sarah and her white hot belly-fire are prepared for that kind of thing.

"I feel like I have a prayer shield in front of me that deflects a lot of that ," Palin said. "I just want to make sure that for my loved ones, for my parents, for my spouse and my children and those close to me that they have that tool to deflect also so that they're not adversely affected, so that they can come along on the ride."

It's called a semiautomatic machine gun with an extra magazine clip for good measure.

Now all of America can feel the burning in their belly, too. Except theirs will be the kind that comes as a result of having Sarah Palin as leader of the free world.

Sarah Palin/Pepto Bismol 2012!!

All That Glitters Isn't Gold; In Newt's Case, He's Still Dull, White, & Old

Newt Gingrich sure has had a tough week!

First, poor ol' Newt was forced to apologize to Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan for calling Ryan's insane, screw-the-old-people budget "radical" (which it is), and explain to one enraged Teabagger after another how terribly sorry he is for his meany words, almost as terribly sorry that it all but ended his presidential ambitions, however petty & ridiculous it may have been.

And if that weren't bad enough, some gay (gasp!) activist and serial prankster Robert Erickson dumped a box of twinkling party glitter on Newt's signature square head and white coif, shouting "Feel the rainbow! Stop the hate!" at a Minneapolis book signing to protest his hypocritical, less-than-enlightened stance on gays and to prove glitter is a more cost-effective way to be shiny than running up huge bills at elitist jewelry stores like Tiffany's.

But for some reason Newt and that weird, alien lady next to him, better known as Callista, or wonderful wifey #3, did not appreciate being glitter-bombed by some flaming fruit cake with a messenger bag or a message.

The glitter bandit was quickly pushed out of the room by an event organizer or employee of the vehemently anti-gay Minnesota Family Council and given what seemed to be a very firm, and very creepy, talking-to by the gentleman in a suit, as the rattled, newly sparkling, but otherwise unharmed Gingriches brushed confetti out of their laps and respective white "hairstyles."

Wait, all they did was remove the dude from the room and sternly shove him towards the elevator? Wow, talk about progress! This time last year, he'd be getting his head stomped on a sidewalk.

Guess things really do get better!

But either way, Newt's creepy, right-wing handler wants to know, "Have we ever disturbed one of your events?"

Ummm, well, let's see, you're trying to pass a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages, stop gays from visiting their dying partners in hospitals, bar them from adopting children, or enjoying the same rights and privileges as straight couples, but other than that, you're right, you've never thrown assaulted gays with glitter!

Though, I'm sure Gabrielle Giffords would have much preferred being pumped with tiny scintillating pieces of confetti paper instead of those other things that typically load into 19mm Glocks.

Glitter: the best way to piss someone off without causing injury, death, or brain damage, just a sparkling shine and slightly irritated skin!

Besides, the clean up shouldn't be too bad. Something tells me Callista already volunteered to roll up a Tiffany's receipt and start snorting the glitter. That way, she can feel all sparkly on the inside, too!

IMF Chief & Serial Sex Fiend Dominique Strauss-Kahn Probably Just Confused A Hotel Maid With A Third-World Country

Sacré bleu! International Man of Mystery Monetary Fund chief (aka the man in charge of the world's cash money) Dominique Strauss-Kahn was hauled off an Air France flight (first class, of course!) minutes before take-off all because cops say he tried to rape a lowly hotel maid before hightailing his pricey li'l derrière to the airport and the hell back to France, where weird sexytime habits help get candidates elected president. The kinkier the better!

Oooh la la!

Unfortunately for Strauss-Kahn, on this side of the pond, locking frightened service industry employees (or actual, paid-for-hire prostitutes) in your lavish hotel suite is usually not considered winning (sorry Charlie!) and raping anyone, even if it is just an immigrant hotel staffer from Africa, is generally frowned upon by both those in charge of the world's money and those who serve the people in charge of the world's money.  

The New York Daily News provides the sordid details of the alleged assault:

The 32-year-old Sofitel hotel maid provided a terrifying account of the attack to cops.
At about 1 p.m., she walked into Strauss-Kahn's $3,000-a-night-suite - Room 2806 - at the posh W. 44th St. hotel, thinking it was empty.
Strauss-Kahn emerged from the bathroom naked, chased her down the hallway in his suite and yanked her into a bedroom, where he sexually assaulted her, the maid told police.
She fought him off, but he dragged her into the bathroom, forced her to perform oral sex and tried to peel off her panties.
At one point, he tried to lock the suite's door.
The woman escaped, scampered out of the room and alerted a hotel staffer, who called 911, according to cops.

The frisky 62 year-old French cassanova nicknamed "the great seducer" for his "reputation raping women with women" apparently high-tailed it out of the hotel before cops arrived, leaving his cell phone and any perceived chance of innocence behind.

"It looked like he got out of there in a hurry," NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said.

You'd scram like the dickens too if you just had your creepy old man way with some poor traumatized woman attempting to bring fresh towels to your room only to end up fending off the fresh attempted rape advances of some sleazy moneybags from France.

I mean seriously, what kind of rich & powerful person hasn't been in a four-star hotel and thought, "Hmm, today feels like a great day to rape somebody from the housekeeping staff!"

C'mon people! Don't you see Dominique was just doing his job!? Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Why else would the International Monetary Fund be forced to start raping people one at a time?

NJ Governor Chris Christie Won't Say If He Believes In Evolution, But Admits His Deep Belief In Second Helpings

New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches, Chris (yes, I have the same name twice) Christie was either in a terrible mood, terribly hungry, or terribly confused when he mistook a reporter for a patty melt, because he practically bit her head off for asking a simple, innocent question, if he believes in evolution or the theory of creationism, during a press conference.

“That’s none of your business,” Christie snapped, because whether the democratically elected leader of your state, in this case, New Jersey, believes that Adam & Eve rode around on a pet Brontosaurus with baby Jesus in tow when the Earth was created 6,000 years ago, is clearly nothing the nosy public need concern themselves with.

Besides, Christie already answered your annoying, pesky questions at a town hall last week!

“Evolution is required teaching,” Christie said. “If there’s a certain school district that also wants to teach creationism, that’s not something we should decide in Trenton.”

So true! It should be up to Jesus Christ and maybe Mother Mary, if she isn't too busy getting knocked up by God, certainly not some obnoxious, morbidly obese governor of Snooki and The Situation.

What the hell is wrong with you people, anyway?

I mean, it's not like Christie is endorsing the belief that the Earth was created by an old bearded man in the sky thousands of years ago instead of nuclear processes caused by the rapid expansion of an extremely hot and dense state billions of years ago, or anything like that. It's more that he is simply endorsing his own presidential aspirations by pretending to be the kind of crazy, conservative wingnut the GOP can really get behind.

“I probably have little business getting myself involved in these kinds of questions,” Christie said, adding that local school boards “should be making those decisions about what curriculum is being taught in your schools.”

Like how Ronnie Reagan parted the Red Sea with nothing but a rod and unshakable faith in the trickle down deity in a heroic effort to free corporations from the shackles of government regulated slavery.

“I think it’s really a dangerous area for a governor who stands up from the top of the state to say, ‘You should teach this. You shouldn’t teach that,’ ” he said.

Except for the little fact that that's exactly what the state is supposed to do, determining precisely what kids must learn in each subject, each year, and then testing them accordingly.

Not like the actual elected leader of the state should know that or anything. Knowledge?? Ugh, talk about dangerous!

Besides, has anyone even seen his birth certificate? What the hell did Christie evolve from, anyway? KFC Double Downs & The Colonel's famous secret blend of spices?

So, Chris Christie doesn't believe in evolution, eh?? Judging by the looks of him, sounds more like evolution doesn't believe in Chris Christie!

What's The Only Thing Scarier Than War & Famine In Uganda? Gay People, Of Course!

Uganda's enlightened 15th century 21st century bill condemning terrible, no-good gays & lezzies, and all "active homosexuals living with HIV" to death (and probably not by chocolate!) or at the very least, life imprisonment for anyone known to participate in "homosexual acts," has been temporarily shelved, and only partially because it is batsh*t crazy.

The real problem with Uganda's death-to-queers bill is that the rest of civilized society doesn't seem quite as gung-ho as Uganda about hacking homos to death, and are putting their money where Uganda's machetes are, with international aid organizations, the U.S. State Department, President Barack Obama, and powerful, outspoken gays like Rep. Barney Frank threatening to withhold aid to the deeply impoverished nation.

Apparently, gay people are loathsome enough that they deserve to be roundly ridiculed, discriminated, and harassed, but not so despicable that they should actually be killed.

Which means gay people are off the hook, and free to continue destroying the moral fabric of poor, civil war-torn, Sub-Saharan African society with their cleanliness, fashion sense, and #1 favorite pastime  recruiting unsuspecting children (to the dark side) with go-go boots and Barbara Streisand sing-alongs, for now.

So you're saying there's still a chance (Jesus willing?) that the evil, hate bill will be reintroduced in the next legislative session? Keep your fingers crossed, people, so long as it is in a manly, perfectly hetero way, of course!

According to the Guardian:

With the current parliament about to be dissolved, the bill appears to have been put on hold indefinitely – but campaigners warned it could be reintroduced in the next session.
John Alimadi, an MP, told the Associated Press the bill may have been dropped from the agenda because of the worldwide outcry against it.
Campaigners welcomed the development. Christopher Seneno, a Ugandan bishop, said: "It's good news. We wouldn't like this bill even to be debated. That will be dangerous because there is a lot of misinformation and excitement. Just with the bill being debated, anything can happen to LGBT people."
Seneno admitted he did not know whether the bill was dead in the water or could be revived at a later date.

Uganda be kidding me. Idi-ocy, I say! Amin, really!

Aaron Schock Bares His Chest To Show The World He Doesn't Need Hot Pink Shirts & Tight White Pants To Look Gay

You remember Aaron Schock don't you? The fuchsia gingham shirt-wearing, straight-as-your-hairdresser Republican congressman from Illinois who simply adores voting against the rights of poors, gays, and all other dumb, pathetic schlubs who don't spend endless hours breathing heavily next to other, sweaty, scantily-clad men all while working to perfect their very own ripped set of washboard abs to show off in magazine photo spreads.

Like, say, Men's Health, where America's youngest, fittest, most fabulously closeted congressman lost his shirt, gained some muscle mass, and struck a pose to help Americans not be such lazy, fat, good-for-nothing slobs who are too busy stuffing Big Macs into their mouths to stuff their big fat behinds into a bathing suit (and thank goodness for that!).

Because Aaron Schock cares deeply about America's collective ability to kill it in tight white man pants and fluorescent turquoise belt. And he won't rest his chiseled physique until every last man, women, and child does the Dougie with Michelle Obama looks as smokin' hot n 'buff in their birthday suit, string bikini and/or glistening, skin-tight speedo as Rep. Aaron Schock!

But how do the hot, hard-bodied House studs like Rep. Schock get so fit 'n fierce for their long, hard days cutting funds for poor people and children and redefining rape to place appropriate blame on the victim because the dumb bitch probably deserved it, amiright?

We'd always just assumed cocaine and repressed sexual desire! Which may still be true, but apparently, it is also this set of XTREME infomercial workout DVDs that is all the rage with congressional Republicans.

Sure, a bunch of sweaty, middle aged men in spandex panting around the teevee may sound kooky, and perhaps even slightly homoerotic, but if you end up looking like Aaron Schock, it might be worth a few hours of "bringing it" with Tony Horton's P90X.

But it's not like Schock is stripping down and baring the goods on front page spreads just because he's vain or wants to get laid, or anything like that.

He simply does it to shock and awe the nation into humiliation over their fat-asses, so they too can look hot 'n sexy in swim attire and appear shirtless on the cover of Men's Health, as part of the Fit for Life Summer Challenge.

Aaron Schock: buffing up America one body at a time!

Schock, 29, a freshman congressman from Peoria, Ill., is teaming up with the magazine for the Fit For Life Summer Challenge, and says you have to practice what you preach when it comes to proper diet and exercise.

Not so much when it comes to your own hideous (homo)sexuality!

"If you want to start talking about healthy lifestyles and staying in shape, then you yourself should do your best to try to be a model, an example to people you're trying to convince to do the same."

Like keeping your cute, clean-shaven, conservative, cross-training li'l behind deep in the closet where it belongs (along with that screaming gay sign called your congressional picnic outfit!), for starters.

Schock, who is single and a conservative Baptist, says he was headed down the wrong path himself at one point. "In college I could feel my body changing, and I knew that if I didn't make some changes, I was going to go in the wrong direction."

Straight into the nearest all-night leather bar and into the thick, bulging biceps of the bouncer Big Daddy Jim.

Which, for a conservative closet case like Aaron Schock, is still a helluva lot better than getting screwed by Uncle Sam.

XTREME? More like Schocking!

How Do You Know You're In Alaska? The Writing's On The Wall!

Ah, Alaska, where the snow comes whipping down the plain and year-round, sub-zero winter causes pain!

The majestic land of scantily populated outcasts, grizzled mainland failures, migrating moose, and money-grubbing half-term governors of God 'n guns, whose idea of publicly funded art isn't a sidewalk mural or main street sculpture, but misspelled, grammatically incorrect chickenscratch scrawled on a bathroom stall at the Ted "The Internet is a Series of Tubes!" Stevens International Airport in Anchorage.

Move over, New York, avant-garde has gone North to Alaska!

Just check out the impromptu haiku of hate etched for all eternity with a permanent black magic marker, perhaps in an artistic nod to the permanently black magic Muslim illegally occupying the once-pure White House, along with the elitist, liberal replies of other Anchorage airport bathroom patron-artists:

OBAMA'S The problem
30 caliber Hollow point
is the answer

Racism dies a slow death

It’s okay to be conservative.
It’s a pity to be stupid.

Go back to Wasilla

Welcome to Art Interpretation 101, frozen wasteland edition!

Hmm, so the person, no, make that the Michelangelo, who graffitied the stall thinks Obama is "The problem," and naturally would like to eradicate the problem (aka kill the president of the United States) with the best, most lethal, maximum damage, internal organ, bone and tissue destroying bullets money can buy.

This is pretty much standard procedure for the state that very briefly elected to governor a woman who murders defenseless animals from airplanes in her spare time and puts crosshairs (err, excuse me, I mean surveyor's symbols) on pictures of her pretend enemies such as elected congresspeople from that other terrible, no-good, elitist political party.

Which brings us to the first peanut gallery response, "Racism dies a slow death," likely a comment on the obvious racism of the original statement, because everyone knows racism isn't anywhere close to receding, particularly in the wonderful frozen tundra of our Nothernly neighbor, Alaska, where the only things black are the bears and delicious, unrefined petroleum oozing into Prince Edward Sound.

As for the genius who thinks it's "okay" for people to be conservative, i.e., want nothing more than the president to be gunned down with "cop killer" bullets, but simply cannot stomach neglecting to properly punctuate the end of a sentence with a period, I say kudos! Never mind that this freelance artist/renegade restroom grammar patrol chose to add a period to the end of the second sentence, while completely ignoring the first sentence (“OBAMA’S The problem”), as well as the random use of upper- and lower-case letters and awful spelling/penmanship sprinkled throughout.

Apparently, “Stupid” is relative in Alaska.

Arguably the most succinct, cogent commentary on the Obama Hollow point death wish is “Go back to Wasilla,” which at this point, is pretty much all we can hope for.

That or the "For a good time call 1-800 BRISTOL" instruction written right above it delivers as promised.

On the bright side, at least foot-tapping isn't the only thing Republican men do in airport restrooms.

Quick someone tell Larry Craig, the pen is mightier than the sword, wink, wink!

Birthers Know Obama Probably Just Killed Bin Laden To Distract From The Birth Certificate Scandal In Their Heads

Okay, fine so President Barack Obama (if that is even his real name) managed to track down and kill that crazy, (man)-cave dwelling, bearded terrorist guy the U.S. has been desperately hunting for oh, I don't know, only about the last decade or so. Well, whoopdedoo for him!

Just because NObama happened to accomplish what no other leader (certainly not that last idiot cowboy in the White House) could and successfully bring to justice (aka shoot in head/dump in the North Arabian Sea) America's #1 most wanted terrorist, Osama bin Laden, while he was chilling in his own secluded suburban bachelor pad in Abbottabad, does not, I repeat does not, mean he is no longer a secret Muslim Socialist terrorist from Kendonesia, with nary a birth certificate/certificate of live birth to speak of.

Thank heavens, there's a group among us who understands these things. No, no not the schizophrenic population at the local psych ward, silly! I'm talking about the Birthers, of course! You know, that blessed, patriotic segment of the population that simply knows beyond the shadow of a doubt--call it a hunch (or racism!)--that Barack Hussein Obama/Barry Soetero/the scary black(ish) man in the White House is not a real U.S. citizen, but rather the evil, main cog in the vast global Jihad conspiracy to destroy the white man, in the form of a Hawaiian born, charming, mild-mannered half-black constitutional law professor with a funny name on Chicago's South Side.

Why else would he release his supposed birth certificate just days before announcing that 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden had been captured and killed, if not to dupe the dumb, unsuspecting public into forgetting all about his mysterious birth origins in the parched grasslands of deepest darkest Africa? For all we know, "Osama bin Laden" was nothing more than Sasha sitting atop Malia's shoulders covered in a ketchup-stained tunic followed by a minute or two on Photoshop.

Besides, Birthers are a very creative peoples!

President Obama finally gave them the one thing they asked for, and to avoid just having to shut the f**k up, they simply refuse to accept it, instead.

Hooray!

The truth is easy to avoid when you use a little imagination!

Just look at some of the rational, patriotic, sensible, adult Tea Party reactions to the release of Obama's birf certifkit. See kids, it's easy to be a lunatic wingnut, if you just put your mind to it!

 

Ugh, doesn't it just suck when facts hate your belief system??

Not that it matters anyway because no birth certificate in the world is gonna clear him of his greatest crime: presidenting while black.

And that's a fact.

Osama Bin Laden Sleeps With The Fishes Thanks To Badass Barry & His Mysterious Ability To Not Be A Total Failure Like The Last Cowboy-In-Chief

Woohoo America, Osama bin Laden is finally as dead as Donald Trump's chances of ever being hired as anything but a bad reality teevee host, courtesy of an elitist red, white, and blue, Obama-approved bullet to the brain by U.S. special forces during a firefight at his secret mansion/military compound in Pakistan. REALLY, GUY!? A SUBURBAN MILLION DOLLAR MANSION?? WTF??

Yes, in addition to murdering innocent men, women, and children in office buildings, Osama bin Laden apparently takes his habitation cues from the Desperate Housewives of Orange County. Ugh the bastard! Hmm, well that explains why Obama couldn't wait for sweeps week or November 2012 to pull this off.

Good thing President Barack Obama takes his cues from bad ass action movies, and as such, overcame his devotion to Allah, Socialism, and poor people to do what the white idiot who proceeded him could not: successfully order our armed forces to take the quivering terror troll out once and for all on his own turf.

WINNING! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! TIGER TERRORIST BLOOD!

So now that the United States has finally killed and disposed of its greatest enemy's corpse which, according to proper Islamic law, naturally means dumping the motherf**ker in the ocean, does this mean we can now stop torturing people in Cuban prison camps and maybe get our civil liberties back?

Meh. Probably a much better (and more popular!) idea is to impale Osama's head on a stick and parade it around Ground Zero. Look at the polls, Obama! Give the people what they want!

The Donald Trump would. Hell, he'd even class the mangled ol' corpse up, replacing that ratty old turban towely thing atop his head with one of his luxurious, thick toupees and providing a signature, instant Donald Trump™ birth certificate before dipping the whole al-Qaeda kit 'n kaboodle in 24k gold to really wow the crowds gathering to chant, "USA! USA! USA!" at various locations across the nation.

Oh and just in case you had any lingering doubts (where's the death certificate, huh??) or were worried that the facts may get muddled, twisted, or drowned out with all that patriotic shrieking, fear not my fellow Americans, for Fox News continues to lead the way in journalistic accuracy and integrity. And they can 'confrim' with 100% certainty that 'Usama Bin Landen' is dead.

Err, wait, make that Obama bin Laden. Ah yes, much better. Keep up the good work, Fox!

And to think, if it wasn't for Fox's relentless pursuit of Barack Obama's real birth certificate/certificate of live birth, he would never have SUCCESSFULLY KILLED BIN LADEN in a massive conspiracy to distract the rest of the world from discovering the truth about his mysterious (secret Muslim terrorist) origins in a Honolulu hospital hump of a camel in the Sahara desert.

I mean if George W. Bush was an illegal alien when he was President of freedom, he would've been able to kill bin Laden, too! With his bare hands, probably!

Big whoop, Obama! For all we know, it was Twitter, not U.S. special forces, that murdered Osama bin Laden (aka Usama bin Landen), just like it overthrew the government of Egypt and turned Sarah Palin into Shakespeare.

It's like Obama said, "America can do whatever we set our minds to." As long as it's killing people. (We're really good at that!) And as long as we have a decade or so to get around to doing it. Then hell yeah, bring on President Badass!

Looks like Osama bin Obama'd. How's that for a Trump card?