Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Dr. Ron Paul's Disaster Relief Rx: Take Two Pills & Call Someone Who Actually Gives A Sh*t


America's favorite crazy old uncle and beloved Libertarian Jesus, Ron Paul, knows a few things about disasters (his son Rand, every presidential campaign he's ever run, the toxic waste that spews every time he opens his mouth, hell, his whole freakin' life!), which is why he knows the best response to a national catastrophe is no response at all.

Hear that people? Pull yourself up by your own damn bootstraps for once in your pathetic lives, and while you're at it, use 'em to bail the water out of your battered, flooded house, and fix the downed power lines, ya lazy, good-for-nothing wastes of lucrative corporate space.

What do you think this is, the United States of Helping People In Times Of Crisis or something?

Hahaha, get real! This is Ron Paul's America, the United States of Anarchy, my friends!

"We should be like 1900; we should be like 1940, 1950, 1960," Paul said. "I live on the Gulf Coast; we deal with hurricanes all the time."

Sort of like the last time the Gulf Coast wined and dined that bitch Katrina only to wake up naked, tied to the bed post now submerged in sewage, and robbed of everything, except some good, old-fashioned American know-how, now floating down Bourbon Street.

"There's no magic about FEMA. They're a great contribution to deficit financing and quite frankly they don't have a penny in the bank. We should be coordinated but coordinated voluntarily with the states," Paul told NBC News. "A state can decide. We don't need somebody in Washington."

Hell no, we don't!

We need a nobody like Ron Paul, shriveled solver of problems like how to never actually get to be that Washington somebody nobody needs.

Problem solved!

Because everyone knows the best thing to do following a national disaster is abolish the one big bad gubmint agency actually capable of dealing with said disaster, like say the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA).

Amiright??

Blasting FEMA as a drain on the economy, Dr. Ron Paul explained how the agency is nothing more than a "gross distortion of insurance only bleeding hearts would support — that just bail[s] out everybody."

Ooooh, oooh, does that include crazy ass grown adult sons after one of their loyal staffers stomps on the head of some awful lady protesting their terrible, racist policies outside a rally?

Well three cheers (wait, or is it tears?) for the brave man, no make that the living legend, who had the courage & conviction to vote against hurricane relief funding for his home state of Texas because the government shouldn’t "take care of us when we do dumb things" — like get hit by hurricanes. Or his son Rand.

Galveston Hurricane of 1900 or Rand Paul's Foot Rage of 2010?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Texas GOP Candidate Spends His Days Talking To Donkeys, Which Is Still More Enlightening Than Talking To Rick Perry


Nothing screams leadership more than a man whose idea of an effective political ad campaign is to talk patriotism to a horde of dim, braying donkeys, also known as jackasses, as though they were good-for-nothing, godless socialist human welfare parasites, also known as gross poor people. Wait, or is it Democrats?

Amiright?

Thank Jesus GOP Texas congressional candidate, self-proclaimed Donkey Whisperer, and Rick Perry's one-time BFF/Secretary (of State), Roger Williams (not the important Roger Williams of 17th century religious freedom fame) understands what the American people want. No, no make that what the American people need, which is of course to be spoken to like some worthless beast of burden too dumb to even understand American English, the best, most God-blessed language to ever grace the Earth.

I mean, seriously, donkeys, Democrats, poor people, what's the difference? It's like splitting mares, err, hairs, I meant hairs!

"You're not a victim, you're a patriot, you're an opportunist," Williams tells his four-legged friends. "Let's take advantage of it, okay?"

Heee-haw! Heee-haw! Heee-haw!

"You know all these guys want is more shelter, they want more feed, yet the government is making it harder on me, taxing me to death, I can't afford to build that. When I don't build it, they think I owe it to them. See, all you guys want is a handout. I don't have something in it and now you're getting mad again. Years ago we didn't have this problem. But now it's just a hassle to get them to do anything."

Well, other than haul hundreds of pounds strapped to their backs up and down mountains all day long for mere peanuts hay, or if they're really lucky, their fave barley straw. Haha, they don't even get paid, the dumbasses!

"Don't turn your head, I know you're embarrassed because you're part of the problem, alright, but we can turn it around."

Ok, good because talking to herds of animals is probably not the healthiest hobby to have.

“These donkeys don’t live in the United States of France. They live in the United States of America!”

Oooh, but wherever is this “United States of France” he speaks of? Is it in Socialist Europe, like that other "France" we've heard of? Ya know, that snooty, war-hating country with an "elitist social safety net" and fields of fine wine-growing plants as far as the monocled eye can see, if it wasn't already smashed on Cabernet Sauvignon.

"They keep thinking that Obama's gonna to take care of them, Obama's gonna feed them. Obama's gonna build their barns. Look if I could get Obama out of health care that we're stuck with, I could do things. I could get these teeth fixed. But he's gotta get away, he's got to let me do the things I need to do."

Like, say, whisper sweet nothings to livestock?

"See those big ears? Still can't hear me."

Ugh, great so they're dumb and deaf now??

What an ass!

That Eeyore dude seems like a wonderful candidate though!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

What Do You Call 11,062 Square Feet Of Unparalleled Mormon Luxury? Mitt Romney's Big Love Shack!


OMG, did you hear the terrible, Earth-shattering news? No, no not that Slick Rick Perry has entered the Presidential race in a noble attempt to destroy restore America to its wonderful Antebellum glory. Something far, far more sinister!

President Barack Obama has just embarked on his third consecutive annual family vacation to Martha's Vineyard, in August, when literally nothing happens anywhere anyway. Ugh, the elitist nerve!

Well this makes some people very pretend furious!

Like a one Willard "Mittens" Romney, who was simply outraged that that barbarian president of ours, the one with the chocolate skin and secret Socialist smile, would dare summer on his aristocratic island of privilege and palaces, Martha's Vineyard, at the same time his charming Mormon brood was sucking sweet lobster tail with fellow Latter Day Saints for $2,500 a pop.
“If you’re the president of the United States, and the nation is in crisis — and we’re in a jobs crisis right now — then you shouldn’t be out vacationing,” Romney told Chicago’s WLS-AM radio hosts Don Wade and Roma.
That's Mitten's job, damn it!
“Instead you should be focusing on getting the economy going again. And, yeah, go back to the office yourself, pull back members of Congress and focus on getting the job done.”
Like figuring out some way to turn his God-awful, cramped, 3,009 square feet, $12 million oceanside hobo ranch in La Jolla into something a little more "adequate" for his needs, like say, a disgustingly ginormous, mind-blowingly lavish 11,062-square-foot fortress, so he can finally relax without one of "the help" breathing down his neck every time he blows his maid whistle to have his hair fluffed or feet rubbed.

From the San Diego Union-Tribune:
GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney, scheduled to attend a series of fundraisers this weekend in San Diego, is also working on plans to nearly quadruple the size of his $12 million oceanfront manse in La Jolla.

Romney has filed an application with the city to bulldoze his 3,009-square-foot, single-story home at 311 Dunemere Dr. and replace it with a two-story, 11,062-square-foot structure. No date has been set to consider the proposed coastal development and site development permits, which must be approved by the city.

According to a description from the listing agent, the Spanish-style residence at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac is sophisticated and understated in its d├ęcor, “offering complete privacy and unsurpassed elegance.” Tentative plans call for new retaining walls and a relocated driveway, but would retain the existing lap pool and spa.
Ostentatious luxury homes are people, too! Besides, having only 3,009 square feet is more of a clusterf*ck than a naked blindfolded pyramid at Guantanamo. For American everyman Mittens Romney, an 11,062-square-foot mansion is more like basic human dignity!

But fear not America! Because while elitist Obama and his royal First Family frolic in some hoity-toity island/winery Martha Stewart owns, Romney will not begin construction on his reasonable new West Coast fortress while he is still a presidential candidate.

Which should be coming to a screeching halt in 3, 2, 1...

From Politico:
“Construction will not begin until the permits have been obtained and the campaign is finished,” the [Romney campaign] official said.
Oh, building to begin in October then?
The reason for the expansion, according to the official, is family: “They want to enlarge their two bedroom home because with five married sons and 16 grandchildren it is inadequate for their needs.”
You know how those sisterwives are about confined spaces!

But seriously, all of Mitt Romney's grown adult children are still living in mom 'n pop's basement?

C'mon people, what's more American than that?

Thursday, August 18, 2011

True Men Don't Kill Coyotes, They Kill Federal Reserve Chairmen!

Heil Jesus?

Memo to Rick Perry: Don't hold your arm like that. Especially at a podium with a microphone in front of a crowd. I mean seriously. Don't even let your arm do that for a second. Not even one second. Just a suggestion.

Then again, Slick Rick was never one to take advice from anyone. That's for pussies and queers, not cowboy presidents who murder coyotes with laser-sighted pistols during routine morning jogs.

Now pipe down, so we can hear who or what America's favorite maniac executioner/George W. Bush's long lost twin on steroids wants to axe murder today.

Oh, just every single federal regulation ever, and also everyone who isn't white, Christian, and a card-carrying member of the NRA. Oh, and also Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, of course!
"We’re calling today on the president of the United States to put a moratorium on regulations across this country, because his regulations, his EPA regulations are killing jobs all across America."
Yeah, enough job killing already! It's high time we started killing people, God damn it! Never mind that Perry’s little "moratorium on regulations" would mean a literal end to the rule of law in the United States. I mean, seriously, who needs clean water, functional aircraft, food that's not poisoned, cars that don't spontaneously combust, and blood pressure drugs that aren't laced with arsenic, anyway? Certainly not Rick Perry and his Grand Old Party of idiot Tea bags!

Just wait til you see what slick Rick is gonna do to ol' money bags Ben Bernanke if he even so much as dares do his evil socialist government job and increase stimulus spending to save the nation's economy. He's about to go all Texas two-step on his ass.

Via ThinkProgress:
Speaking just now in Iowa, Perry said, “If this guy prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous -- or treasonous -- in my opinion."
Though, if it's for a nice, Texas-sized game of monopoly, he'll let it slide. He's not unreasonable!

It's just that Rick Perry, unlike dumbass Bernanke, understands the subtle nuances of monetary policy, which is why he is calling for everyone to trade in Glenn Beck's fake gold coins, the tears of Mexican migrant workers, and the severed body parts of executed prisoners.

It's like a "policy platform," just with more awesome death 'n stuff. Why spend money on bringing bloody, senseless wars and anarchy abroad in gross Muslimy countries, when you can have all the fun right here in good, Christian America?

Rick Perry: Because sometimes the only cure is...more cowboy!

He's just like George W. Bush, minus the brains.

Guess everything really is bigger in Texas, disasters included. Man-made or otherwise.

Rick Perry Doesn't Care If His Pork Chop-On-A-Stick Contains Rat Feces

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Barack Obama Hits The Road As His Approval Hits The Skids, While Michele Bachman Wins Over Iowa By Shoving Corn Dogs Into Wide Gaping Holes


2012 Fever is on the rise in Iowa, where desperate Republican candidates (and Marcus Bachmann!) deep-throated footlong corndogs (for freedom) in order to get elected President of the "Ames Straw Poll," hobnob with racist, old, white Midwesterners, provide endless comedic relief to the rest of us, and of course, prove to the entire nation their skills are second-to-none when it comes to gobbling down various delicious meat-on-stick combinations.

Hotttttttt!
Michele Bachmann narrowly won the Iowa straw poll of Republicans on Saturday in the first big test of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Texas Governor Rick Perry formally launched a White House bid that could reshape the race.

Tim Pawlenty, the former governor of Minnesota, dropped out of the presidential race Sunday morning after finishing a distant third in Saturday’s Iowa GOP straw poll.
T-Paw, we hardly knew ye. And that was how we liked it.
Candidates who go all-in but fall well short in Ames typically find it difficult to raise money, and without personal wealth to fall back on, Mr. Pawlenty decided to cut his losses and bow out. In addition, the entry of Texas Gov. Rick Perry into the race Saturday, combined with Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll, has shifted the focus to their expected battle for the hearts and minds of conservatives.
Good-bye, what’s his name, Tim Polenta or whatever. Hello, crazy lady and new "serious candidate" guy, Rick Perry. The one who prayed to God for rain.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

So, while the mercury was rising in the cornfields deep fat fryers of bumblef**k Iowa, things were cooling off considerably for a one, Barack Obama, whose popularity has plummeted thanks to a hellish economy and even more hellish Congress filled with hellish human teabags.

According to the latest Gallup Poll, Barack Obama's approval has fallen to 39%, his lowest presidential approval rate yet, putting him on par with adult onset diabetes, bumper-to-bumper traffic, heat rash, mowing your lawn with a small pair of dull scissors, and getting stuck in an elevator, marooned a deserted island, or just having to spend an extended period of time with any one of the lovely Republican presidential candidates, not including Tim Pawlenty, who falls somewhere between Ebola and the Plague.

But what ever should an increasingly unpopular politician do to raise cash money, when "being good at your job/saving the nation from catastrophe" just doesn't seem to cut it?

Umm, let's see, ask, "What Would Sarah Do?" then hightail it to the nearest bus depot, get behind the wheel of the biggest, most souped up, 18-wheeler tour bus available, paint a big, gaudy American flag right smack dab in the middle, and rumble aimlessly across the country, whoring yourself out for as much money and attention as possible.

Oh look, he's already got one of Sarah Palin's tricks down pat. Blame everybody else for everything wrong all the time, every hour of every day, “as though your job depends upon it.”

From The Hill:
President Obama, itching to spend more time outside of Washington, begins a three-day bus tour of the Midwest on Monday afternoon in Minnesota.

Obama is expected to use the trip to highlight his own criticism of Congress and Washington as he increasingly looks to run against Washington in 2012 despite four years on the job in the Oval Office.

“During the debt-ceiling debate we were trapped here, it felt like, for many, many weeks,” White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer said Friday.

“He got his first trip out of Washington [last week] to Michigan, and he’s looking forward to traveling back home to Illinois, to Minnesota, and also, of course, to Iowa, which is a place that always has had a special connection with this president and this White House.”
See, Obama hates being nailed down at his job as much as the rest of the 9-5 schlubs in America. Well, other than pray-the-gay-away therapist/personal stylist exraordinaire/secret sausage king Marcus Bachmann, that is.
"If you're talking about a stunt, I don't think a stunt is what the American people are looking for," White House press secretary, Jay Carney, told reporters. "They're looking for leadership, and they're looking for a focus on economic growth and job creation."
By shoving thick tubular meat down their throats, we presume!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Mitt Romney Knows Corporations Are People Too, Which Is Why He Is Officially Registered As A Limited Liability Person


In these trying economic times when money is scarce, jobs even scarcer, and rational behavior crushed and ground into deliciously nutty human tea bags, where o where will we find a presidential candidate fearless enough to stand up for the rights of the biggest victims of all, the poor, sad, helpless, mega-corporations?

Look no further than everyone's favorite Mormon gaffe machine and master of the flip-flop (not the things gross poor people wear on their feet), Willard Mittens Romney, my friend! Finally, someone with the common sense and moral courage to stand up and proudly declare once and for all, "Corporations are people, my friend."

Well, this didn't go over so well with the rest of the 99 percent of the population not sitting on billions of dollars made by squeezing out productivity gains from the handful of workers they haven't already laid off to maximize profits for small groups of shareholders, like Mittens 'n Co.

Apparently, many of the human "people" in attendance at the Iowa State Fair don't much appreciate being lectured about America's need to "reform" Medicare and Social Security, while simultaneously showering mega-rich corporations with tax breaks, precious gems, poor people's tears, and assorted other goodies.
ROMNEY: We have to make sure that the promises we make - and Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare - are promises we can keep. And there are various ways of doing that. One is, we could raise taxes on people.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Corporations!
ROMNEY: Corporations are people, my friend. We can raise taxes on -
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No, they're not!
ROMNEY: Of course they are. Everything corporations earn also goes to people.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
ROMNEY: Where do you think it goes?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It goes into their pockets!
ROMNEY: Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People's pockets! Human beings, my friend. So number one, you can raise taxes. That's not the approach that I would take.
Of course that's not the approach Mittens would take. Heavens forbid! After all, corporations are "people," thanks to several decades of terrible court decisions granting them the same legal protections as dumb carbon-based, oxygen-breathing, tax-paying, real people, while at the same time freeing them from such nagging human restraints as "having a conscience."

All Mittens is trying to do is innocently remind everyone about their common humanity with corporations, who are exactly like them, right down to their shiny steel facade, cold, empty interior, and endless supply of cold hard cash, thanks to the big bad gubmint's refund-for-rich people programs.

Maybe the next time you people come across a giant skyscraper or sprawling corporate complex, you should try shaking its hand and asking how its day was like a normal person, instead of staring at its exposed bricks and beams like some sort of impolite, capitalist-hating maniac.

Why is it always up to Mittens to shout down the masses with free business lessons in capitalism run amok, like all the billion$ of reasons why corporations are people, but poors are not. 

Guess that's what great leaders are for. That, and standing up for the big guy because here in Romney's America, the government of the corporation, by the corporation, for the corporation, shall not perish from the Earth.

That, my friend, is what poor people are for.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Fox News Outraged That Barack Obama Had The Nerve To Invite Black People As Guests, Not Servers, To His Birthday Party


While the economy continued its downward hell spiral thanks to Standard & Poor's (really, that's the best name you could come up with? Really?) very responsible decision to downgrade America's debt and grind it into highly toxic, spite-flavored tea leaves for Republican enjoyment, Fox News was busy thinking up the most offensive, racist headline their little brains could muster accusing President Obama of celebrating his 50th "birth"day instead of single-handedly creating jobs for every (white) person in America.

The nerve! No, no, not Fox News equating a celebrity-studded backyard birthday BBQ in the White House Rose Garden with some kind of secret Muslim anti-employment Socialist Black Panther rally where they do scary "black people things" like listen to "hip-hop" and eat char-grilled burgers. Why, Barack Obama celebrating his five decades on this planet with actual black people, instead of just old racist white men who watch Fox News all day, of course!

Ugh, I mean, why didn't this barbecue party create jobs? The least he could've done is hire some Fox News viewers to flip burgers and re-fill beer glasses. For Christ's sake, why is Obama always pallin' around with black people, anyways? Why can't he party with some employed people like Ted Nugent for a change, or does he only like musicians who are black, blind and talented?

Maybe if he had some more white people there, other than Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and the scores of similarly milky-hued people in attendance, they would accidentally create some jobs while Obama parties?

Point is no one knows. What Fox News does know, however, is that black people are not allowed to have money or parties or fun or BBQs unless the white people in the country get their money and parties and fun and BBQs first. It’s like this Negro President of ours STILL cannot remember the rules!

Maybe Fox would have better luck if they put it into rhyme over a phatty beat.

Finally, their first real job!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Master Of Delusion Newt Gingrich Buys Fake Twitter Followers To Go Along With Everything Else In His Life


OMG, LOLZ. White-haired swamp creature and master of the Twittervirse Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign may be on life support, but unlike his first wife, that doesn't mean ol' Newt's going to leave it to die, cold and alone, on a hospital bed.

Sure, his campaign is over $1 million in debt, the perpetual butt of all late-night talk show jokes, and he is consistently polling several points below "no one/none of the above" among likely GOP voters, but there's still one place Newt shines brighter than one of the Callista's precious Tiffany's diamonds: Twitter!

It's true! Just look at the 1.3 million living, breathing, carbon-based, life forms following Sir Newton's 140-character nonsense declarations about what he ate for lunch (pizza) and why illegal secret Muslim terrorist Socialists from Kendonesia are waaaaay worse for America than serial adulterers who lie, steal, cheat, and marry alien women who eat luxury jewelry, not food, for sustenance.

Oh wait! Turns out that a whopping 92% of Newt's alleged Twitter followers are actually not real at all, but rather comprised of the same fictional stuff Newt's presidential dreams are made of.
A new report suggests that 92 percent of Newt Gingrich’s 1.3 million Twitter followers are not real. The networking search firm PeekYou, which has been trying to determine the quality of Twitter audiences, examined Gingrich’s account. The firm uses 23 criteria—including name, location, and inbound and outbound links—to figure out which online users are real or fake. After analyzing each of Gingrich’s followers, they determined that only 106,055, or 8 percent, were real people. A spokesman for the company said, “The huge majority of his followers are either completely anonymous people who have no other Web presence, or they are spambots.”
Ooooh, so that's what Callista is! Let's just hope he doesn't lose the start-up disk for her, or he's screwed.

According to one of the Newt's corporate bought spambots former staffers:
Newt employs a variety of agencies whose sole purpose is to procure Twitter followers for people who are shallow/insecure/unpopular enough to pay for them. As you might guess, Newt is most decidedly one of the people to which these agencies cater.
About 80 percent of those accounts are inactive or are dummy accounts created by various “follow agencies,” another 10 percent are real people who are part of a network of folks who follow others back and are paying for followers themselves (Newt’s profile just happens to be a part of these networks because he uses them, although he doesn’t follow back), and the remaining 10 percent may, in fact, be real, sentient people who happen to like Newt Gingrich. If you simply scroll through his list of followers you’ll see that most of them have odd usernames and no profile photos, which has to do with the fact that they were mass generated. Pathetic, isn’t it?
Pathetic? Only if you live in reality, my friend, only if you live in reality. Besides, I'm almost positive that @Tiffany's Accounting Department is a real follower.

Meanwhile, a Gingrich campaign aide blasted the list-rigging claim, tweeting that it was "a false accusation which will hurt the feelings of 1.3 million people. #rude."

Yes, were sure @041113846806103's feelings are very hurt. In fact, he's probably crying himself to sleep(mode) as we speak.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Hooray! America's Downfall Is Officially Postponed As House Passes Awful Debt Deal Everyone Hates


Rejoice, my fellow Americans, the Debtpocalypsegeddon is almost over! America is back on top (of its flaming pile of unpaid bills, bounced checks, borrowed loans, crumpled receipts, IOUs, and angry post-it threats from China!) Woohoo! USA#1! USA#1! USA#1!

After weeks of alternately fucking with, psyching out, and pissing off President Obama by acting like a bunch of rabid, syphilis-ravaged meth head vampires, Republicans and Democrats in congress finally reached a debt deal, avoiding turning America into one big deadbeat dad like Tea Party House freshman scumbag Joe Walsh currently representing the 8th district of Illinois, not his $117,437 financial (or paternal) obligation to his three lazy, good-for-nothing school-age children. Get a job, junior!

Oohoh, but what sort of awesome "party favors" will the American people take home from this weeks-long, non-stop Boehnerific congressional coke-n-hookers-n-corporate-loopholes Teabagger rage fest?

Umm, how about $2.4 trillion in spending cuts with no guaranteed revenue raisers, but a coupon for a free bag of pork rinds instead? Okay? Okay!

“The result would be the lowest level of annual domestic spending since Dwight Eisenhower was president,” Obama explained.

Yay! So does that mean a return to Eisenhower-level taxes for the richest 1% of the population?

No, don't be silly! Democrats volunteered their balls to be cut off, dipped in delicious beer batter, fried to golden perfection and served to the hungry Republicans working round-the-clock to destroy any semblance left of this God-awful, 235-year-old experiment in Representative Democracy, formerly known as the United States of America.

Okay, what else?

America gets another bipartisan debt commission that everyone will ignore because they get one of those every year.

But that's not all!

The American people are also the lucky recipients of the horribly dangerous and reckless Teabagger tactics of holding the country hostage, as well as the failed "one party says this, the other party says that" media  machine that treats Fox News as Journalism and crazy people like human beings.

Hooray!

So congrats America! For all your hard work and dedication to electing some of the worst human beings in history to steer the country, your reward is a little note that says, “the global economy will not collapse tomorrow, you’re welcome.”

Pending final passage, the agreement marked a dramatic reach across party lines that played out over six months and several rounds of negotiating, interspersed by periods of intense partisanship.
“Sometimes it seems our two sides disagree on almost everything,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said in floor remarks.
“But in the end, reasonable people were able to agree on this: The United States could not take the chance of defaulting on our debt, risking a United States financial collapse and a world-wide depression.”

Silly people! Think about all the money they just left on the table in prozac sales alone. Actually don't. It's kind of depressing.

According to a new Washington Post/Pew Research poll: 
Americans give overwhelmingly negative reviews to the fierce budget debate that has transfixed Washington over the past few weeks, and large numbers now think less favorably about the country’s political leaders.
Asked for single-word characterizations of the budget negotiations, the top words in the poll — conducted in the days before an apparent deal was struck — were “ridiculous,” “disgusting” and “stupid.” Overall, nearly three-quarters of Americans offered a negative word; just 2 percent had anything nice to say.
“Ridiculous” was the most frequently mentioned word among Democrats, Republicans and independents alike.
While the word ridiculous was commonest among both Democrats and Republicans, the most frequent word used by Tea Party Republicans was "Niggardly," followed closely by "huh?"

"If I were a Republican, this is a night to party," said Democratic Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, who bashed the new-fangled bipartisan deal as a "sugar-coated Satan sandwich."

Which come to think of it, pairs perfectly with a nice pipin' hot mug of tea.

"The Democratic Party, no less than the Republican Party, is at a very serious crossroads at this moment...This deal weakens the Democratic Party as badly as it weakens the country," Arizona Democrat Rep. Raul Grijalva said. "We have given much and received nothing in return. The lesson today is that Republicans can hold their breath long enough to get what they want."

The end of civilization as we know it?

Lord knows, they'll drink to that!