Saturday, October 29, 2011

Newt Gingrich & Herman Cain To Compete In "Modified Lincoln-Douglas Debate," In That They Only Use 3/5ths Of Their Brains

Grab your Gideons, prep your muskets, sharpen your bayonets, throw on your colonial best and head on down to Houston, Texas for the can't-miss event of the year, the clash of two GOP presidential titans Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. Wait, did I say can't miss?? Haha silly me! I meant can't watch, since no television network wants to touch that shit with a ten foot pole, forcing those who wish to watch two psychos prattle on about electrocuting Messicans, the tyranny of affordable health care, and why corporations are people but poors aren't, to use heave their obese, diabetic bodies into Humvees, pickup trucks, and Socialist Medicaire scooters and make the trek themselves! Now, that's some good, old fashioned American can-do spirit right there!

And much like Newt Gingrich's third mistress-turned-wife's penchant for Tiffany diamonds and Herman Cain's 999 tax plan/Godfathers pizza daily deal-o-rama, this Tea Party Patriot-sponsored Texas two-step don't come cheap!

General admission for what is being billed as a "modified Lincoln–Douglas debate," the modification, one can only assume, being that they both argue in favor of slavery, costs $200, although the price includes a slice of “good ole apple pie,” because apparently black walnuts is something Republicans want to elect president not use as filling for a round, deliciously moist, flaky pie.
"Then there’s the 'Patron Ticket,' which costs $500. Patron-level purchasers will get 'prime seating' and admission to a Nite Cap party after the debate, as well as a chance to mingle with the candidates over drinks and hors d’oerves afterward."
Oooh, as long as they are unregulated, uninspected, and untainted by dirty government hands (salmonella, she is a beauty), count me in!
"Top-level donors will pay $1,000 for the best seating in the house (panic room?), a special room at the Woodlands Resort in Houston for the Nite Cap party, and a 'professional picture' taken with the candidates."
By professional picture, I assume they mean gagged, bound, and forced into a naked pyramid complete with a dog leash around your neck, and your choice of semi-automatic weapon nudging you into position. Nothing says fun like an M16 Caliber 5.56 mm in your backside.

Or for those looking for something a little spicier, how about a nice slice of Godfather's latest, greatest culinary creation, Hot 'n Spicy Tex Mex pizza in honor of Herman Cain's similarly themed, similarly brilliant electrified border fence immigration policy: refried Mexicans.
"Students can get in for $150, but those tickets are sold out."
Funny, so did the students!!

So, the Texas Tea Party Patriots will host, blue-eyed nutjob Rep. Steve King will moderate (aka grunt, wink, and cheer when appropriate like talk of poor people dying, gay soldiers proudly serving their country, or the delightful execution Texas inmates), and Lincoln-Douglas will likely turn over in their graves as these two idiots take turns debating who loves Reagan 'n Jesus the most.
In background conversations, both campaigns say they look forward to the discussion. A source close to Gingrich tells the National Review that the former speaker will speak at length about his policy proposals and will, "in a friendly way," illustrate his differences with Cain.
"We initially wanted a forum with all of the candidates," O'Sullivan says. "But when we heard Gingrich say he wanted a more serious debate, like the Lincoln–Douglas debates, we wanted to do that, especially since watching the recent superficial debates has been frustrating."
Only if you value sanity, rationality, sensibility, intelligence and the ability to formulate a coherent sentence. So what the hell is the Republicans' problem with it?
Gingrich has been a long-time proponent of the Lincoln-Douglas debate style, because it gives candidates more time to have a detailed policy discussion. Gingrich has repeatedly said that if he were the Republican nominee, he would challenge President Obama to seven three-hour Lincoln-Douglas style debates.
Which is about 21 hours longer than necessary to reveal Newton's complete lack of knowledge on the workings of the federal government!

Either way, the important thing to remember is that on November 5th, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich will return to that kindler, gentler time circa 1858 when a man was a man, and a black man was his property!

So how much would I pay to see this so-called modern-day Lincoln-Douglas debate?

Let's see, is there anything smaller than absolute zero? Ah yes, of course, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich's combined IQs!

[image via AP]

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Show May Be Over, But Traitor Joe's Always Open For Business (If That Business Is Screwing Over Democrats)

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing Sen. Joe Lieberman enjoys more than crushing hopes and destroying dreams. Except maybe the occasional chance to kick a whimpering, defenseless puppy down the street or really stick it to Democrats, ya know, the party he joined in 1970 and represented as a vice presidential candidate in 2000, before deciding eh, why not go against everything I've ever stood for my entire life in some desperate, pathetic attempt to remain relevant, and retain my smooth, surprisingly large, perfectly manicured grip on power?

**Sigh** Oh, that Joe!

Well, according to the liberal rag/commie manifesto The New York Times, Benedict Lieberman has been taking meetings with the two main Republican primary challengers: ball bustin' World Wrestling Entertainment executive Linda McMahon who apparently didn't think $50 million was enough to waste on a losing campaign the first time around, and former Rep. Chris Shays, another old, endlessly frustrating New England moderate conservative who also loves beautiful war but at least understands which political party he belongs to. Which is more than we can say for ol' Joe!

On the bright side, at least Democrats don't have to worry that Joe will wake up with an actual conscious and endorse one of them (heavens forbid!), which would be probably be as helpful as a bite from a syphilitic hyena.
In the meantime, some Connecticut Democrats who are eyeing the party's nomination for his seat are not particularly interested in getting Mr. Lieberman's support. They seem wary of associating politically with a man who went from being the Democratic vice-presidential candidate in 2000 to backing Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona, over Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential race.
Susan Bysiewicz, a former Connecticut secretary of state who is seeking the Democratic nomination for Senate, noted in an interview that Mr. Lieberman was unpopular with rank-and-file Democrats.
"Senator Lieberman's endorsement would not be helpful," she said, adding that she believed he was more closely identified with the Republicans these days.
Representative Christopher S. Murphy, a three-term Democrat who is also running for Mr. Lieberman's seat, said, "I'm not sure his support is relevant."
Hush it Murphy! You fool, you'll ruin everything!  If Lieberman finds out that endorsing a Democrat would be the quickest, most sure-fire way to screw over a Democrat, then that is just what he'll do.

And what more fitting way to bid adieu to our favorite Jewish Benedict Arnold than with a little Broadway ditty?
Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (you're an asshole?)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (use those big, firm hands!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (for a loser pariah no one likes!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (well, technically it's a turncoat)

Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (it's actually probably better if you don't)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (and by "it" we totally mean money!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (Hadassah still loves you!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (more like nightmarecoat for everyone else!)

Oh, fuck it, just...
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[image via AP]

Monday, October 24, 2011

Michele Bachmann's Presidential Hopes Are Sinking So Fast, Her Entire New Hampshire Staff Decided To Jump Ship For Something Safer, Like The Titanic

America's favorite blue-eyed basket case Michele Bachmann is sure having a rough go at this whole running for president thing. Turns out, convincing more than 4.8 percent of the voting population that you are indeed just as capable of ruling the free world as being involuntarily committed to the local psych ward is a lot harder than it looks! (Remember to blink, Michele, remember to blink!).

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than one of her debate performances, the unthinkable happens: her entire New Hampshire staff (all six of them!) upped and quit, because well, umm, do you really need to ask?
Staff members in New Hampshire for presidential candidate Michele Bachmann have resigned en masse, a Republican familiar with the situation said on Friday, in a fresh blow to her 2012 hopes.
All of the staffers, said to number six, resigned on Thursday, the Republican said.
New Hampshire's WMUR television said the reason given was due to the Bachmann campaign's lack of focus on New Hampshire, which holds the country's first primary election.
"It certainly underscores the impression that New Hampshire isn't a priority for her. She's totally written us off," said former Republican state legislator Fran Wendelboe.
That's because much like the pink unicorns, twinkling pixies, and dancing elves, they're nothing more than figments of her own, heavily medicated imagination!

But that's not it! Michele is such a loser, in fact, that even the hippie dippie liberal heathens of San Francisco couldn't be bothered enough to gather their Godless queer selves together and shout lame liberal things at her like why Mexicans have feelings too, and poor people shouldn't be forced to die in the streets as punishment for being such poor losers.

The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Critics say the lack of any protest at Bachmann's Commonwealth Club appearance Thursday is a sign of the fading relevance of her campaign. The winner of the Iowa Straw Poll has just 4.8 percent support in the latest average of major polls by - sixth among the eight GOP presidential candidates. Former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain is the front-runner with 26 percent.
Even San Francisco's most hard-core activists couldn't be bothered to protest Bachmann, who once said same-sex marriage was the most important issue facing the nation. She's against it.
"Maybe people are waiting for Herman Cain to come to town," said Tenoch Flores, a spokesman for the California Democratic Party.
Or maybe they are waiting for the paint to dry on the walls of their Castro apartment, or for their marijuana plants to grow, or for the warranty on their mufflers to expire, or for their water purifier to filter, or for their tofu burgers to grill, or for the next terrible natural disaster to strike, or to catch whatever strain of influenza is going around these days, all of which are still infinitely more exciting than waiting for Michele Bachmann.

Marcus, on the other hand, was welcomed with open arms.

[image via Wonkette]

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Only Difference Between The Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street Is 235 Years Of Progress

So the Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street movements are not that different? OMG, so true! Just take away the inability to formulate a coherent sentence, add the ability to still move your massive, diabetic body with your own two legs, not the reinforced rubber wheels of your Socialist Medicare motor scooter, toss in your basic elementary school education, a firm grasp of the English language (including spelling and grammar rules), an equally firm grasp of reality (including a vague idea that Adolf Hitler's great crime wasn't insuring poor people and sick kids), throw in a splash of color to that sea of milky white, a hearty dose of tolerance, substitute swastikas for hash tags, replace racist, narrow-minded ignorance and rampant xenophobia with diversity, compassion, decency and justice, and voila!

They are one and the same, practically indistinguishable: Carbon-based life forms whose opposable thumbs enable them to hoist square or rectangular shaped pieces of cardboard with various words and messages scribbled to protest dark, nefarious forces destroying civilization as we know it.

Be it Black Presidents or Blackstone Financial.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Herman Cain Likes His Illegal Immigrants Much Like His Fast Food: Deep Fried!

Whether he's touting his foreign policy skills by grunting nonsense syllables like "Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" or rescuing the nation's economy by changing from the gold standard of coins to the Godfather standard of pepperoni slices, and installing the wacko, fictional tax plan he stole from SimCity 4 that repeats the arbitrary number "9" three times while taxing the shit out of poor people, Herman Cain is full of brilliant ideas.
Kip Katsarelis, a senior producer for Maxis, the company that created the SimCity series, was excited that politicians may be looking to video games for ideas.
Adopting such a simple tax structure, Katsarelis said, would allow fantasy political leaders to focus their energy on infrastructure and national security. “Our game design team thought that an easy to understand taxation system would allow players to focus on building their cities and have fun thwarting giant lizard attacks, rather than be buried by overly complex financial systems.”
Of course! But what if those giant lizard attacks were more like scared, border-jumping Mexicans looking for a better life? Then what would Herman Cain do?

Why, just fry the illegal alien bastards to death with an electrified border fence. Easy peasy!

“It’s going to be 20 feet high. It’s going to have barbed wire on the top. It’s going to be electrified. And there’s going to be a sign on the other side saying, ‘It will kill you — Warning.’”

Oooh, sounds sexy! Charred Mexicans hanging over the entrance is a beautiful way to decorate America's borders! A "Teabagger Tapestry," if you will.   

But what if, for some reason, this miraculous deterrent still doesn't keep them away?

Can you say 2nd Amendment remedies, what what!?

From the New York Times:
The [border wall] remarks, which came at two campaign rallies in Tennessee as part of a barnstorming bus tour across the state, drew loud cheers from crowds of several hundred people at each rally. At the second stop, in Harriman, Tenn., Mr. Cain added that he also would consider using military troops “with real guns and real bullets” on the border to stop illegal immigration.
As a special bonus, Herman Cain's solution to securing our borders also doubles as his latest, greatest Godfather pizza topping sensation: Refried Mexican Beans!

¡Ay, Caramba!

[image via Every Joe]

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Forget "Small, Insignificant States" Like Uzbekistan, What America Really Needs Is A Small, Insignificant Statesman Like Herman Cain

Delusional pizza merchant and self-proclaimed delicious black walnut (he certainly is nutty!) Herman Cain, will not rest until every last second of his desperate, quickly expiring 15 minutes of fame (aka GOP presidential relevancy) is utterly and completely exhausted.

Which is why the rest of us are forced to endure Herman's non-stop, whirlwind media tour, letting the whole world know why being a gross gay is probably as much a choice as what unidentified, processed meat topping to slather atop your delicious 16 inch Godfather's pie, and why our nation's leader shouldn't know the first thing about, let alone correctly pronounce the name of one of those dumb, unimportant "other countries on Earth" nobody cares about, like the fictional land of magic elves, wizards, and military supply routes into Afghanistan, formerly called "Uzbekistan."
"I’m ready for the ‘gotcha’ questions and they’re already starting to come," Herman Cain said. "And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say you know, I don’t know. Do you know?"
Awww, snap! Dude must have gone to the Sarah Palin School of Gotcha Questions™ where they teach presidential hopefuls the proper way to prepare for a basic foreign policy "gotcha" question on a country with the largest military force in Central Asia that the United States would like to use as a strategic ally, by mocking it with a series of nonsense syllables because who needs real words to describe weird, foreigny places not named the United States of AmeriCAIN baby!? Woot, woot! Amiright?

Besides, I don't see Youbetikissedstan or whatever creating any jobs, do you?
"And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job? I want to focus on the top priorities of this country. That’s what leaders do. They make sure that the nation is focused on the critical issues with critical solutions. Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going. When I get ready to go visit that country I’ll know who it is but until then I want to focus on the big issues that we need to solve.”
Hells yeah! You tell 'em Herman! If they are "small, insignificant states," it's their own damn fault! C'mon, knowledge is for pussies and elitists, not proud Republican presidents of marginal pizza chains.

Besides, he'll Wikipedia that shit when (and only when!) he actually goes to that miserable beki beki hellhole, like the tourists, and leaders of the free toppings world do.

It's called diplomacy, Black Walnuts style, bitches!

Monday, October 10, 2011

The Only Thing Scarier Than Mobs Of Crazed, Gun-Waving Teabaggers Are Mobs Of Polite, Hand-Waving Tea Drinkers

Unless you've been living under a rock (no, no, not whatever it is that's beneath Rick Perry's perfectly combed, thick brown coif) or have simply been too busy following Sarah Palin's earth-shattering announcement not to continue duping dumb white people out of their hard-earned money in her ridiculous faux presidential ponzi scheme/grifter bus tour, chances are you're aware that thousands of everyday people have taken their peace pipes and hacky sacks and streamed into New York City to protest corporate greed, economic inequality, and of course, Wall Street's unchecked ability to forcefully bend over and repeatedly screw the rest of the 99% of pathetic, non-billionaire schlubs like you and me.

Well some people, like, say every Republican (and/or filthy rich banker, baron, magnate, mogul) to ever grace God's once-green, now oil-scorched Earth, don't much care for like-minded, progressive people putting down their soy, no-foam triple shot lattes and MacBook Pros to politely protest getting fleeced by the same mega-corporations they were forced to bail out, as a thank you for so generously causing the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Damn those hippie tree-huggers and their stupid whales!

It's one thing when it's heavily-armed old white sociopaths waving Nazi signs and shrieking about how giving health care to poor people and children is terrorism. But a diverse crowd of gross liberals peacefully gathering in public parks to speak out against corporate malfeasance and income equality? ARRRRGGGGHHHH, run for your lives, crazed mobs of madmen are coming to kill you!
In a speech to social conservatives at the Values Voters Summit, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor blasted the Wall Street protesters as "growing mobs" that are trying to divide the country. "Believe it or not, some in this town have actually condoned the pitting of Americans against Americans."
But only when it's poor Americans versus rich Americans. Otherwise it is terrible class warfare and has no place in his United States of AmERICANTOR.
"I for one am increasingly concerned about the growing mobs occupying Wall Street and the other cities across the country."
Yes, that's right! "Growing mobs" are not angry throngs of obese white supremacists with Jesus Saves tees and Don't Tread On Me signs motor-scootering around small town America screaming about secession, while hoisting various Glock 19s and semi-automatic machine guns before NObama takes them all away because of Socialism.

Don't be ridiculous! They are nice educated folks joining with workers unions, teachers unions, and assorted other young-to-middle aged rabble-rousers to express their collective frustration at the abusive tactics and sheer recklessness of the nation's current financial system.

Even the usually meek, deer-in-headlights White House Press Secretary Jay Carney couldn't help but call out Mr. Cantor for being even more of a sniveling hypocritical pussy than usual.
"I sense a little hypocrisy unbound here--what we're seeing on the streets of New York is an expression of democracy. I think I remember how Mr. Cantor described protests of the tea party--I can't understand how one man's mob is another man's democracy."
Umm, what exactly do you not understand? Revolution is only acceptable when it's a bunch of fat old racists who don't want to pay their taxes or help sick kids not die, duh!

Delusional fast-food merchant and self-proclaimed "black walnut" Herman Cain understands these things, just like he understands what the Republicans are looking for in their next president is someone significantly less white than Obama.

From Mother Jones:
“I don’t have facts to back this up, but I happen to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration. Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!”
I don't have the facts to back this up, but Herman Cain is an asshole. I don't know much about any black walnuts, but he's certainly fuckin' nuts. 

So if I have this straight, the protests are a conspiracy by Obama to anger the very people with the money to actually fund his re-election campaign, but it is not a conspiracy that the only people actually doing okay in this broke, collapsing country are the handful of ultra-rich Wall Street titans currently being protested?

Of course, it must be the fault of the poor people! Damn poor people! Why can't they just get jobs like normal people, or at least a certain awesome Black Walnut?

Oh, right probably because the Occupy Wall Street protesters have already destroyed all the jobs! Just ask New York Mayor and billionaire everyman Michael Bloomberg.
"What they're trying to do is take the jobs away from people working in this city," the mayor declared in his harshest criticism of the three-week-old protest. "They're trying to take away the tax base we have because none of this is good for tourism."
So there you have it folks. Billionaire Mayor Says Wall Street Protesters Want To Destroy Jobs.

Which is kind of awkward. Guess nobody told him Jobs is already dead!

[image via Daily Kos]

Friday, October 7, 2011

A Quitter Never Wins & A Winner Never Quits, Which Is Why Sarah Palin Will Just Go Ahead & Be A Loser Who Always Quits

Take a deep breath, America. Sarah Palin's awful, vomit-inducing, toxic reign of idiocy is officially over. It's true! On the momentous 5th day of October in the 2011th year of mankind, the nation's, no, no, make that the world's, most famous grifter-quitter-grandma from hell (aka Wasilla), Sarah Louise Palin, aka Lou Sarah aka Mama Grizz aka Barracuda aka lipstick wearing pitbull hockey mom aka ‘Orora’ announced SHE IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT of Fox News, short-lived reality teevee shows, making Mittens Romney actually look electable, getting humiliated by Barack Obama for the second time in four years.

Terribly sad, I know. Now what will we do when we want to feel all dead and empty inside? Who can America turn to to lower our collective IQ with little more than a kiss, wink, inverted syntax, a you betcha or two, and all the faux victimhood Sarah Palin can cram into one grammatically incorrect sentence?

I guess, there will still be Fox News!

But perhaps the most fitting tribute comes from former McCain adviser Nicolle Wallace, who was assigned by the McCain '08 campaign to help Sarah get through her day without ruining everything, only to discover you can't control crazy!

Could it be this very experience with the Wasilla wonder herself, that inspired Wallace's new political novel that "explores what would happen if a woman were plucked from relative obscurity and elected Vice President of the United States - only to find herself completely unprepared for the job."


“The idea of a mentally ill vice president who suffers in complete isolation was obviously sparked by the behaviors I witnessed by Sarah Palin.”

Not the Sarah Palin, the awesomest, most quittingest human being that has ever hunted moose from helicopters!
Well, first let me just say that the novel is by no means meant to build a case against Sarah Palin. However, to the extent that the people around [the fictional vice president] Tara watched in this troubled state of confusion, despair and helplessness as she flailed around — that was something I experienced. Palin vacillated between extraordinary highs on the campaign stage — she ignited more enthusiasm than our side had seen at any other point — to debilitating lows. She was often withdrawn, uncommunicative and incapable of performing even the most basic tasks required of her job as McCain’s running mate.
Wait, what? I thought the whole point was to make John McCain look less like a fossilized Alzheimer's victim and more like elder statesman who is aware that Africa is an actual continent not a country or that Toto song she totally rocked out to in the '80s.
What if somebody who was ill-equipped for the office were to ascend to the presidency or vice presidency? What would they do? How long would it take for people to figure it out? I became consumed by this question.
Lucky for us all, Nicolle, it didn't take "people" that long to figure it out, which is probably why the McCain-Palin ticket scared the bejesus out of everyone not insane or incarcerated.

The system works, sort of!
"After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States," Sarah Palin said in a statement.
So, there is a God!
"I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office and because "a third party would guarantee Obama's re-election, and that's the last thing that our Republic can afford."
Probably because its already spent everything funding Sarah Palin's personal cash-for-clunkers program, her presidential ponzi scheme/perma-victim tour across the US of A.
"As always, my family comes first..."
That is unless they are sick or pregnant or in the hospital or or makin' precious li'l miracles in the back of Levi's pickup or need something while I am Tweeting or Facebooking or traveling or sleeping or awake or hunting or rocking on my front porch watching Russia or anything important like that.
"From the bottom of my heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President."
Well there you have it! The Earth-shattering news (other than that Sarah Palin does indeed have a heart), is that a person no one likes announced they are not running for a job they didn't want, couldn't do, and wouldn't get anyway.
"Know that by working together we can bring this country back – and as I've always said, one doesn't need a title to help do it."
A functioning brain, on the other hand, is pretty much required.

[image via Gawker]

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Big Ticket: Is Being The Size Of An Elephant Too Big Even For Republican Voters?

For some reason, the current crop of crazy-eyed kooks with homo husbands, washed-up Mormon Hair Club For Men spokesmodels, rambling, incoherent, coyote (and criminal) killing governors of Texas moonlighting as the Marlboro Man, and assorted other GOP misfits, misanthropes, Santorums(?) and maniac pizza moguls with more chance of delivering your large cheeseburger-smothered pie straight to your doorstep than an actual inaugural speech, haven't exactly won over the hate-filled hearts and narrow minds of Republican voters.

If only they booed more gay soldiers or had a Rick Perry-like plan for getting rid of the uninsured deadweight like gross poor people!?

Until then, where o where will Republicans find someone man enough and mean enough with the kind of King Kong physique to really bring the heavy to the race?

Why, none other than the everyone's fave bully governor of sandwiches, screaming at people, saturated fat, Snooki, New Jersey, Chris Christie, the best thing since sliced bread, err, screw it, the whole freakin' loaf.

You see, not only does Christie already have the fiscal sense to use taxpayer money to purchase a gigantic new helicopter to transport heavy loads (like say, himself) from his Grand Canyon-sized bed to his kid's high school baseball game a few waddles away from his mansion, he also has a huge ready-made constituency in the two-thirds of fellow motor-scooting Americans also the size of a dinosaur or KFC Double Down.


Certainly not, according to the Los Angeles Times:
Straight-talking New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a portly guy — and has spoken publicly in the past about his struggles with the scale. Now that he might be a contender for Republican nominee for president, other people are speaking publicly about his weight, too, and what impact it might have on his electability next November.
Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson wrote that the governor needed to lose weight for his (and the country’s) health. Others complained that an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character.
Failure?? Ummm, maybe if you're one of the few who don't consider eating more than what the average circus elephant consumes on a daily basis, a stunning success and proof of presidential prowess.

C'mon, think about it. There's more for everyone to love!

Michael Kinsley, of Bloomberg News, doesn't have time to sit here, chewing the fat, so he'll skip the BS and get straight to the point:
Look, I’m sorry, but New Jersey Governor Chris Christie cannot be president: He is just too fat.
What, what, what? This is the Republican candidate we're talking about, remember! There's no such thing as too dumb, too crazy, too rich, too white, too straight, too armed, too racist, or too mentally imbalanced.

There's also no such thing as Chris Christie being too f**king fat to be president because there's no such thing as science either.

So, slather on some mayo, wrap it up in bacon, and stuff that shit down your throat!

Sure is a helluva lot easier to swallow than a Chris Christie presidency.

Although, on second thought, if Christie were president, instead of Iraq, we'd probably invade Denny's.

[image via the Star-Ledger]