Thursday, January 27, 2011

The State Of The Union Is Strong Like...Smoked Salmon & Adult-Onset Diabetes!

Oooh, America, the excitement is in the air! Or maybe it's just the toxic greenhouse gases slowly asphyxiating Mother Earth now that the Obama Administration up and fired (finally!) its only real environmentalist, fierce tree-hugging hippie, now former White House energy adviser, Carol M. Browner, because who the hell needs a planet anyway?

Certainly not America, the greatest, most perfectest, most star spanglediest, God-blessed nation to ever grace the face of the Earth in the history of mankind!

This is an absolute, indisputable fact. Barack Obama knows this, of course, because he is the President of this most blessed union, and as such, is uniquely equipped with the ability to judge these sorts of matters.

And, turns out, a whopping 92% of his fellow 'mericans agree with him! They also approve of his special State of the Union speech about how America rocks the world even though we sometimes shoot our passionate, young elected officials in the head with high-capacity semi automatic weapons by accident in parched desert states where discrimination, bigotry and John McCain reign supreme.

It's not our fault! It's all the rhetoric's fault. Just ask Sarah Palin's crosshairs map or Sharron Angle's 2nd Amendment remedies! They'll tell you!

Anyhoo, where were we? Ah yes, America is the #1 bestest, most awesomest country in the whole wide world because of Sputnik (OMG, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S SOCIALISM, YOU COMMIE BASTARD!!!), and constantly re-inventing ourselves (ooooh like Madonna?) except through science and technology (he probably just means Facebook!), not cone-shaped bras and bad 80s pop music or whatever else makes esteemed Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or fist pump or cringe or inappropriately shriek "You Lie!" from their respective locations in the back of the room.

Like all the really amazing-sounding SOTU stuff that makes Americans (who aren't dressed like their favorite cup of Earl Grey) feel all warm 'n caffeinated inside even if it doesn't mean anything, at least not in terms of actual governance.

Things like, say, job creation (yay!), a competitive economy (oops, think a couple GOP veins just exploded!), gross gays getting the right to shave their heads and get shot in remote Muslim countries in the desert like the rest of the 100% straight-as-Andrew Shirvell soldiers in the U.S. Armed Forces (okay, that was awkward!), surging stock markets & rising corporate profits (good lord, Boehner's already crying!), federal spending freezes (OH NO, Boehner's booze tears are flooding the place!), something about how the schools in RED(!) China (gasp!) are soooo much better because they teach their students how to do MATH, not METH (nice try, though, Wasilla!), and teach them the necessary skills for success in the 21st century.

Like how to be a slutty (fake) Italian orange midget with low self-esteem and an IQ equivalent to one of the cheap plastic trinkets with a Made in China sign and an unsafe, unregulated amount of toxins we can't stop buying with money we don't have.

Ummm, quick let's see what else before Boehner has a total nic fit right in front of everyone!

Oh yeah, America, is going to WIN THE MORNING! AND THE FUTURE! Because America was founded on innovation and ideas, like a negro slave is worth 3/5 of a human (hey, don't blame me, blame the Constitution!), "clean coal technology" (because you can totally change the amount of carbon released by burning coal, amiright?), “renewable energy will create jobs” (at least 5-10 per person, scout's honor!), how investing in a high-speed rail system ("faster than flying—without the pat-down!") is more viable than the Republican plan of loading people into artillery and launching them cannonball style in the general direction of their desired location, and what to do about the Mexicans who live here (bomb them?). No, the president says! We need comprehensive immigration reform, even if a few bombs would be cheaper!

And most importantly Salmon jokes. Lots of 'em! Plucked fresh from the stream of Sarah Palin's consciousness by a single, fell swoop of her Mama Grizzly claw!
"The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they're in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they're in saltwater," Obama said. "I hear it gets even more complicated once they're smoked."
Huh? Where's the punchline?? Oh, hahahahaha! I get it! All the impending layoffs and salary freezes and out-of-work staffers at the Commerce and Interior departments because of evil bureaucracy, government regulation, 'n deficits, 'n stuff! HAHAHAHA, that's hilarious!

Remember, America, we do BIG THINGS!

I mean, have you even seen the Starbucks Trenta? Hell, have you ever even measured some of the waistlines at a Glenn Beck rally??

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Tough Guy Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Mayoral Ballot By F**king Appellate Court; Unlike Jay Cutler, Rahmbo Refuses To Go Down Without A Fight!

OMG Chicago, did you hear da awful, terrible, no-good news??

No, no, not that Bears QB Jay Cutler might have torn his MCL along with the entire state of Illinois' heart out of its chest before pouting cold and alone on the sidelines in Sunday's painful loss to the hated, rival Green Bay Packers.

The other no-good, terrible Earth shattering news!! That front-runner and almost-certain-to-be-next-eternal-Mayor-of-Chicago Rahm Emanuel has been ruled ineligible to run by an appellate court because he did not meet residency requirements, in that he did not, umm, actually, reside in their fair city while poking naked men in the shower as Barack Obama's White House chief of staff in Washington.

The friggin' bastards!

Reversing a decision by the Chicago Board of Election Commissioners, which had unanimously agreed that Emanuel was eligible to run for mayor, the appellate panel, by a 2-1 ruling, said Emanuel does not meet the residency requirement of having lived in Chicago for a year prior to the election.
"We conclude that the candidate neither meets the Municipal Code's requirement that he have 'resided in' Chicago for the year preceding the election in which he seeks to participate nor falls within any exception to the requirement," the majority judges wrote.

"Accordingly, we disagree with the Board's conclusion that he is eligible to run for the office of Mayor of the City of Chicago. We reverse the circuit court's judgment confirming the Board's decision, set aside the Board's decision and ... order that the candidate's name be excluded (or, if necessary, removed) from the ballot."
To which Rahm promptly ordered the head of each judge immediately be excluded, or, if necessary, removed from their body, and be placed atop the two spires of the Sears, err, Willis Tower, or whatever terrible company purchased the right to have its God-awful name slapped on now, instead.

Rahm Emanuel, who had previously won rulings by the election board and Cook County Circuit Court, will likely take his case all the way to the Illinois Supreme Court, where there will hopefully be enough Daleys or Obamas stacked on it to get this decision overturned and get Rahm back to sending dead fish through the mail, insulting Sarah Palin-owned Retarded People™, and spending money no one has as the new, foulmouthed mayor of Chicago, where he belongs.

Emanuel remained confident that the Supreme Court would rule in his favor.

"As I've said from the beginning, I was just elected to congress two years ago," Emanuel said. "I own a home here, I vote from here, I pay taxes here. The Board of Elections agreed with that. Joseph Morris agreed with that, and Judge Ballard agreed with that."

"I have no doubt we will prevail in this matter," Emanuel said. "It's just one turn in the road."

"When the president of the United States asks you to serve your country, you do that."

C'mon, an entire year and a half serving as White House chief of staff and you're really going to believe Obama didn't teach him how to fake his place of birth?

What are you f**kin' retarded or something?

Besides, what the hell else is Rahm gonna do? I mean, it's not like there's a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of outspoken, fiery Chicago Democratic political personalities or anything!

Hmmm, on second thought, how's Rahm's throwing arm? He's already got the asshole who knows ballet part down. Plus, something tells me a North Side native with four fingers, tough-as-nails attitude, never-say-die mentality, and warrior's heart is better than a disingenuous Denver import with full digits, boatloads of talent, a rocket arm, Type I diabetes, two chins, a bad attitude, undeserved sense of entitlement, inflated sense of himself, and an empty cavity on his left side where a four-chambered pumping organ of muscle and connective tissue used to be.

Most people call it a heart. Rahm Emanuel calls it breakfast.

Friday, January 21, 2011

OMG, Has One Half Of America's Favorite Frozen Duo Been Huntin' For Hookers Instead Of Hares?

Much like America's most fair and balanced network, Fox News, America's favoritest, most trustworthy newspaper, the National Enquirer is internationally renowned for its unique ability to occasionally accurately break a real, live news story (that doesn't involve UFOs, aliens or John Edwards' man-seed) out of every, oh, I don't know, 100 or so, it reports.

So it is no surprise that the same Jan. 31 issue that reports Jennifer Aniston has a drinking problem and President Obama is so darn rail thin because he has stomach parasites, the National Enquirer also drops the bomb that America's other First Family, the Palins, isn't all moose casseroles, feigned outrage, and underage teenage pregnancies.

No sir-ee!

This time, the latest victim of the awful lamestream media's unjust, mean-spirited "blood libel" against the pure-as-Arctic-snow Palin Family, is none other than First Dude Todd, who is accused of repeatedly cheating on his everyone's beloved SarBear of the Snowy North, with a dirty, no-good, immoral, hubby stealin' hooker who was later arrested for whaddya know it, being a terrible, no good hooker!

Uh-oh! Whatever will St. Sarah do now? Certainly this is nothing more than another baseless attack on the world's most perfect human specimen, Sarah Louise Palin, by bloodthirsty media elites who are simply jealous of her uncanny ability to make moose piles of money doing nothing but constantly playing the victim card while parading li'l Trigger around in her strong, Mama Grizzled arms.

This has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with the fact that Sarah is a delusional narcissistic sociopath whose asinine belief that she is capable, no make that, entitled to rule the free world as president of the United States of Alaska, has made her and her entire family of media whores front page fodder of every celebrity rag around.

But where were we? Oh yes, of course, Todd! Who knew, right? I mean, he always seemed!

According to the Enquirer:
While the story heats up on the internet, The ENQUIRER has uncovered official documents confirming the woman's arrest, and learned police have confiscated physical evidence that could tie Todd to an alleged extramarital affair.

We have also uncovered documents that show the woman  - identified by bloggers as Shailey Tripp - contributed free massages to an anonymous person working for Sarah's campaign for governor of Alaska.
Hmmm, Shailey Tripp, huh? God, what is wrong with you Alaska people? I mean there's gotta be more than two names that start with the letter P, hundreds in fact, and yet no one in the entire freakin' state can come up with a damn single one that isn't Tripp, Trig, or Track!? Seriously, for the love of Jesus!
While representatives for Todd Palin vehemently deny he cheated on his wife, allegations of his extramarital affair surfaced on Jan. 4 when an anonymous tipster sent out messages to news outlets making the allegation using the e-mail address

"My sources reveal that a massage therapist and computer technologist, SHAILEY TRIPP, had an affair with Todd Palin that lead (sic) to her arrest March of 2010," claimed the anonymous e-mail.

"According to the tenants in the building of her offices, they saw Todd come and go often and heard noises that sounded like someone was having sex. It was the same tenants who called the police on her."

Hmmm, okay, so what we've got is an anonymous email citing anonymous second-hand sources who say they heard something that "sounded like sex," but could've actually been someone, anyone, say, one of the dozen other Palin clan members skinning and gutting the 600 lb mammal they just shot with a Remington from 10,000 ft in the sky.

Oh yeah and also proof that a massage therapist was giving free massages to someone on the Palin campaign, as well as proof that this same therapist was arrested for prostitution.

Sounds fishy. But more in a fresh Alaskan salmon sort of way, not rotting-dead-corpse-on-your-front-stoop courtesy of Rahm Emanuel kind of way.

The truth is, who really knows? Other than God, of course! The important thing is that either way, the real winner is everyone!

Because what the nation really needs is another news story featuring Sarah Palin. The poor woman simply doesn't get enough attention, especially with dead little nine-year-old girls in Tuscon, and Democratic congresswomen with bullets lodged in their brains hogging all the spotlight these days.

On the bright side, that Ca-ching! Ca-ching! sound you hear isn't the sound of obese radio God Rush Limbaugh making fun of the ridiculous way Chinese people, especially visiting Chinese presidents named Hu Jintao, speak.

Haha, not at all! It's simply the sound of all the cold hard c-c-c-c-ash Sarah Palin is about to rake in with her new bestseller: Goin' Rogue To The Divorce Lawyer: How To Turn Marital Moose Dung Into Delicious Moose Pie & Still Fit Into Your Snow Shoes While Sleigh Riding Your Way To Single Parent Prosperity All The Way From Wasilla To Washington!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Rush Limbaugh Goes "Ching Chang Chong" On Air To Make His Wallet Go Ka-Ching On Land!

Miraculously shrinking ball of pills, polysaturated fat, and hate, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, took a break from his usual job shrieking at pussy Democratic Congresswomen for getting shot in the head (haha dumb bitch!) by a lone, crazed Glock-toting madman to give the American people the one thing they've been missing all these years: half a minute of cartoonish "CHING CHANG CHONG" sounds by a pathetic slob with a microphone doing his best race-baiting caricature respectful impression of visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao, as might have been featured in, oh, I don't know, an old movie or ham radio show from the first half of the last century.

With an extra special bigoted swipe at gross gypsies as a special thank you for making Rush the richest and fattest racist rightwing radio slob this side of the Pacific.

"We're not gonna gyp Fox," Rush Limbaugh said. "I wanted to gyp it because the -- well, the -- Hu Jintao, he was speaking, and they weren't translating. They normally -- you have some translator every couple of words. But Hu Jintao was just going ["CHING CHANG CHONG"]. Nobody was translating. But that's the closest I can get."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, OMG, stop it, Rush! You're so right! Chinese people sure do talk funny!

It's even funnier after half a bottle of Oxycontin and two buckets of the Colonel's original recipe fried chicken smothered in gravy with a side of biscuits 'n slaw. Extra butter.

Rush Limbaugh 是个傻逼!

That's "CHING CHANG CHONG" for worthless, disgusting, Double Down chowing, fat racist man does something disgusting, fat and racist. And no, we don't mean Chow Yun-Fat.

Can't we just stick a Made in China sign on this worthless sadsack and sell him at Walmart?

Dude's already got the toxic, hazardous-for-your-health part down pat.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

New Alabama Governor Wants To Know Who's Your Daddy? (Hint: If It Doesn't Rhyme With Reese's, You're A Bastard No One Loves!)

Governor-elect of everyone's favorite backwater blemish on the nation Alabama (where else?) Robert Bentley decided to honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day by giving a speech at the very Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church where the late civil rights leader Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was once pastor himself!

Oooh, how beautiful! How historic! How totally un-Alabama like!

It started out promising enough, too, with Bentley saying all the right things to make a person feel all warm 'n cuddly (and not even about-to-be-strung-up-in-a-tree) inside.

Bentley began by telling the crowd it was important for Alabamians ''that we love and care for each other."

''You know, (for) a lot of people, it's hard to trust a Republican governor," Bentley said. ''Let me tell you. I want to tell you today that I promise you that I'm going to do everything I can for everybody in this state."

"I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor ... I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind."

Ah yes, but does that include Crimson, good sir??

Hmm, go on?

"There may be some people here today who do not have living within them the Holy Spirit," Bentley said.

Umm, guilty as charged?

''But if you have been adopted in God's family like I have, and like you have if you're a Christian and if you're saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister."

Hooray! One big happy (inbred) family! Yay, my 'Bama bros 'n hos! Haha, jk Jesus, don't worry!

But then things got slightly strange, even by freaky Southern fried Alabama standards.

''Now I will have to say that, if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother."

Wait, but I thought everyone in Alabama was already brother and sister!

Um, OK! But still, the speech was totally all about brotherhood and unity. The brotherhood of white knights in white robes and white hoods on horseback, and the unity of everyone forcibly converting to Christianity, I guess!

Asked later if he meant to be insulting to people of other faiths, Bentley replied, ''We're not trying to insult anybody."

Well, except Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Atheists, & all other Godless heretics condemned to burn in raging hellfire for all eternity.

So, umm go Bentley!?

The Rolls Royce of racist redneck gubnors from piss-poor, ass backwards, red-headed stepchild states no one pays attention to until it goes and does something weird and racist and well, all Alabama-ey.

Roll Tide, y'all!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sarah Palin Celebrates Martin Luther King Day By Honoring The Closest Thing, Herself!

The long-lost, kindred spirit of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Dr. Sarah Louise Palin, Jr. Varsity Basketball Captain of Wasilla High, is just positive the good Dr. King would be sooooooo very proud of her (and her KKK rally!) for fulfilling his hard-fought vision of true justice and equality for all (white Christian males) on this most specialist of special days!

The day when all of America commemorates the life of a special black person, or, as he is called in Sarah's circles, "Socialist Kenyan Muslim Terrorist," who once copied Glenn Beck by giving a speech at the Lincoln Memorial about his dream of selling a billion copies of his dumb book, or something like that.

Yes, from her distinct oratory gifts, deeply ingrained sense of humility, decency, & justice, and complete dedication to something bigger than any one person, the betterment of all humanity, Sarah Palin and Martin Luther King are one and the same.

The similarities are simply uncanny! Let's take a closer look...

Public Speaking:
Martin Luther King, Jr. makes history speaking brilliant words from his heart. Eventually, gets paid (hellishly!) for it.
Sarah Palin makes a living getting (hella!) paid to read misspelled words she scribbled on the palm of her hand.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: Nobel Peace Prize, Presidential Medal of Freedom, Congressional Gold Medal national holiday, universal respect and reverence.
Sarah Palin: Reality Teevee Show (Canceled), Sarah-Palin-In-Your-Pocket Talking Keychain, President of incoherent nonsense on Twitterbook, universal "refudiation" (aka mockery and scorn).

Martin Luther King, Jr.: Stood up for what he believed was right no matter the odds. Boycotted the racial indignities the nation, particularly the American South, forced on its black citizens.
Sarah Palin: Stood up to the bullies in the lamestream media and public office who say terrible, meany things about her and/or her special needs precious li'l miracle of God, Trigger. Boycotted Bristol and Levi's sleigh ride to the altar.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars."
Sarah Palin: "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” Violence is never the answer except when you're in a war or need to defeat Socialism or Muslims or Mexicans or Gays or Democrats. Never shoot anyone (who has a bigger gun than you). Shoot-to-kill absolutely everything else, especially the defenseless four-legged kind. "Don't Retreat, Reload."

Martin Luther King, Jr.: B.A. from Morehouse College, Bachelor of Divinity from Crozer Theological Seminary, Doctor of Philosophy, Boston University.
Sarah Palin: 60 credit hours, assorted community colleges (five) she attended in as many years, plus 1, errr, at least, she thinks (six)!

Martin Luther King, Jr.: Assassinated by escaped convict James Earl Ray in Memphis.
Sarah Palin: Pretends her "character" is being assassinated at least once every news cycle, that isn't Fox News.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: Unfortunately, was once in them (see above).
Sarah Palin: Unfortunately, when not looking through them, is usually drawing them on maps of districts where congressmen need to be taken out....With voting levers, silly!

Martin Luther King, Jr.: A martyr for the ages.
Sarah Palin: A martyr in her mind. 

I have a dream that one day all the federal offices, post offices and banks will be closed in honor of Sarah Palin. Until then, April Fool's Day will have to suffice.

Happy America Becomin' Less Racist Day, y’all.

Wink, wink!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Sarah Palin's State Of Her Living Room Address To A Grieving Nation (Psst: Jews Eat Christian Babies!)

Everyone knows that the real victim of the recent tragedy in Arizona isn't the innocent little 9-year-old girl who was shot dead, the young Democratic congresswoman in critical condition with a bullet lodged inside her brain, or even any of the 20 other individuals killed or wounded at the hands of a Glock-totin' desert dwelling madman. Heavens, no!

The real victim of this unspeakable tragedy is none other than, Sarah Palin, of course! Why, just think of all the terrible, awful things she's had to endure at the hands of the evil (JEW-RUN) lamestream media simply because she, the Ice Queen of Alaska, occasionally puts maps with gun crosshairs targeting specific politicians on the internets. Err, at least when she isn't Tweetin' 'bout "Homos" and killin' the Mexicans, Muslims, and other scary M-word minorities Americans must hate for freedom and Jesus, that is!

Without further ado, ladies and gentleman, I present to you Sarah Palin, President of having no real job except exploiting horny old white men and dumb-as-doorknobs women with as many kids as shotguns, by spreading hate and fear of everyone but themselves, for money, speaking from her living room fireplace in Wasilla.

Quick, Piper, start the camera rolling in 3...2...1, now!

Ahem, thank you for your applause America. Even in a time of tragedy, you still find time to praise me! You're too kind, really! Except for those bastard liberals, pundits, and journylists blood libelin' me, accusin' me of causing crazy people to do crazy things with guns. Those haters 'n has-beens have better be careful. Because if they do not watch out, I will literally put the scope of my huntin' rifle on another member of Congress. I will do it, so help me God. Socialism.

Let's get one thing straight here. There is nothing, I said, NOTHING wrong with former half-term Governors of the Arctic Circle/Guardians of Russia and current reality teevee stars using interactive map hit lists with gun crosshairs aimed at vulnerable congressmen and women because everyone knows "Take up your arms' means voting."

Besides, it was a good map! I mean, it did have like all 50 states on there, not to mention beautiful color graphics in case a person wanted to print it out and take it with them while traveling on say, a murder spree across the continental U.S. of A. Isn't freedom just the absolute goshdarn bestest!?

"And we certainly must not be deterred by those who embrace evil and call it good."

Sweet Jesus no! We must give these people reality teevee shows, pour moose piles of money and undeserved attention on them, and then get shot in the head by one of their crazy, 'merican flag-wrapped followers all in the name of freedom!

Remember people, we must never let the random acts of one deranged apolitical criminal turn us against each other, because what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks do you think Sarah is here for?

He would know.

Oooh, good start Sar! But enough about those pesky, n'er-do-well, Christ killin' Jews. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah! Back to me, me, me, ME, ME, ME!

So how's that whole hatey, killy, reloady, crosshairsy, blood libely thing workin' out for ya?

Just like Clockwork Glockwork. Wink, wink.

Oh, you betcha!!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Is That A Glock In Your Pocket Or Are You Just A Mentally Ill Misfit From Arizona?

Usually when something shocking and terrible happens, normal people come together to grieve, express their sorrow, and reflect on the unspeakable tragedy in a heartfelt way, if only for a fleeting moment.

Then there's Arizona's way.

After witnessing one of their own elected Representatives, Democrat Gabrielle Giffords, and 19 others brutally gunned down in Tuscon by a Glock-wielding, grammar obsessed madman, the decent guys 'n gals in  the parched, Mexican-free wasteland formerly known as Arizona had only one thought on their mind: How they could get one of dem awesome gunz, too!

Together they let out a collective, booming yipppeeeeeeeeeeee before hightailin' it to the nearest corner gun shop to get their own two proud 'merican hands on a bright shiny new Glock 19mm RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

It's true! Gun shops throughout Arizona simply cannot keep the beautiful, shiny pocket death machines like the one used by Jared Loughner on their shelves, as the entire state was muy impressed with the cool efficiency by which it murdered innocent people. Such ease! Such precision! Such power! Such chaos! Such bloodshed!

But with such beautiful, spontaneous death comes a deep, dark creeping fear that soon the big bad gubmint will come and take away all their precious portable people-killing pocket devices, and the good citizens of Arizona will be left with nothing but English-only words and phrases, not hollow point bullets, to hurl at their elected officials and Mexican enemies of freedom.

"When the election process took place, people were fearful they were going to lose access to tactical firearms with high capacity magazines, as has been the case in the past when Democrats took office," said Blake Mecham, national accounts manager for Browning and its subsidiary, Winchester.

"People were rushing out to buy guns, because they were worried [Obama] was going to take their guns away," criminal justice professor William J. Vizzard, said. "He didn't have a single proposal on the table for gun laws. It defies reason. It's a culture unto itself."

Yes, a wonderful, rich culture of endless funeral line processions and black-clothed grieving mothers wailing in agony.

Because nothing says good business like some good old-fashioned carnage!

“Whenever there is a huge event, especially when it’s close to home, people do tend to run out and buy something to protect their family,” said Don Gallardo, a manager at Arizona Shooter’s World in Phoenix, who said that the number of people signing up for the store’s concealed weapons class doubled over the weekend. 

Greg Wolff, the owner of two Arizona gun shops, told his manager to get ready for a stampede of new customers after Jared Loughner opened fire at a Tucson shopping center on Jan. 8.

Wolff was right. Instead of hurting sales, the massacre had the $499 semi-automatic pistols -- popular with police, sport shooters and gangsters -- flying out the doors of his Glockmeister stores in Mesa and Phoenix.

“We’re at double our volume over what we usually do,” Wolff said two days after the shooting spree. “When something like this happens people get worried that the government is going to ban stuff.”

Wolff called the shooting “horrible.” Nonetheless, it has created a surge of publicity for the gun, he said.

“It’s in the news now. I’m sure the Green Bay Packers are selling all kinds of jerseys today as well,” he said. “I just think our state embraces guns.”

OMG, like totes same thing! One is a fun game people like to play and watch when getting wasted at the local bar, where full grown men lay sprawled and splattered on the ground. The other is football.

“It’s one of the greatest guns made in the history of the world,” said Wolff, whose two stores sell Glock-made weapons almost exclusively.

Which is only fitting for the greatest country God ever made in the history of the world...So he could pump 30 continuous rounds into it.

Mwhahahahaha, dumb mortal little Glock-suckers! God doesn't Retreat...or Reload!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Glenn Beck's Fake Tears & Sarah Palin's Dumb Tweets Don't Kill People (Just Brain Cells); Crazy People With Semiautomatic Weapons Do!

Usually when a young 20-something man goes on a bloody shooting rampage, killing a whole bunch of innocent people, everyone is equally shocked and stunned and horrified, and nobody ever, in a million years, saw it coming. 

Not so with Jared Loughner, the deranged 22-year-old lunatic who shot Arizona's popular Democratic Rep. Gabrielle Giffords point blank in the head, killed six others, including a little 9 year-old-girl, and injured 19 more in a tragic massacre outside a Tuscon Safeway during a 'Congress On Your Corner' meet 'n greet on Saturday.

Basically, everyone who met the dude was absolutely convinced it was only a matter of time before he went out and shot a bunch of people. The only question really was when.

This is what most people who knew this kid for the past few years are saying: he was a freaky loner who scared the bejesus out of anyone with a pulse. Which means everyone outside of Dick Cheney was pretty much convinced this guy was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode, probably sooner than later, all over Arizona.

Now while the residents of Arizona may have been concerned about Jared Loughner, the state of Arizona was never really going to try to help him or anything because c'mon he wasn't a dirty Mexican or anything. And also personal responsibility! And fix your own damn mental health problems! This is America Arizona, after all!

What Arizona was willing to do however, was help this more-likely-than-not mentally unstable young man purchase his semi automatic murder weapon of choice (a Glock 9mm), as well as the 30+ shot extended magazine clip for extra flesh 'n bone rippin' fun!

Until one of those very same bullets he purchased legally and with little effort actually pierced the flesh of an innocent person, or in this case, like 20 innocent people.
“I was getting concerned about the safety of the students and the school,” said algebra instructor Ben McGahee, who took to glancing out of the corner of his eye when he was writing on the board for fear that Mr. Loughner might do something. “I was afraid he was going to pull out a weapon.”

A student in the class, Lynda Sorenson, 52, wrote an e-mail to a friend expressing her concerns.
“We do have one student in the class who was disruptive today, I’m not certain yet if he was on drugs (as one person surmised) or disturbed. He scares me a bit,” Ms. Sorenson wrote in an e-mail in June that was forwarded Sunday to The New York Times.

“The teacher tried to throw him out and he refused to go, so I talked to the teacher afterward. Hopefully he will be out of class very soon, and not come back with an automatic weapon.”

Mr. Loughner’s behavior grew so troubling that he was told he could no longer attend the school, and he appeared, given his various Internet postings, to find a sense of community in some of the more paranoid corners of the Internet.

At a meeting in early October at the college’s northwest campus, where he attended classes, Mr. Loughner said he would withdraw. Three days later, the college sent him a letter telling him that if he wanted to return, he would need to undergo a mental health evaluation. “After this event, there was no further college contact with Loughner,” the college said in a statement.
Not surprisingly, the media has been falling over themselves trying to figure out what on God's green earth could have sparked Jared Lee Loughner to turn from your everyday run-of-the-mill weirdo into a paranoid schizophrenic/raging bloodthirsty madman obsessed with grammar and currency who shoots elected officials and nine-year-old girls with semiautomatic weapons in front of grocery stores.
When Bryce Tierney first heard about the Tucson massacre, he had a sickening feeling: “They hadn’t released the name, but I said, ‘Holy shit, I think it’s Jared that did it.’” Tierney tells Mother Jones in an exclusive interview that Loughner held a years-long grudge against Giffords and had repeatedly derided her as a “fake.

Since hearing of the rampage, Tierney has been trying to figure out why Loughner did what he allegedly did. "More chaos, maybe," he says. "I think the reason he did it was mainly to just promote chaos. He wanted the media to freak out about this whole thing. He wanted exactly what's happening. He wants all of that."

Tierney thinks that Loughner's mindset was like the Joker in the most recent Batman movie: "He fucks things up to fuck shit up, there's no rhyme or reason, he wants to watch the world burn. He probably wanted to take everyone out of their monotonous lives: 'Another Saturday, going to go get groceries'—to take people out of these norms that he thought society had trapped us in."
Of course, the problem with trying to understand the incomprehensible behavior of an obviously deranged man is that genuine craziness like Loughner's rejects easy classification and defies explanation. So accusing Sarah Palin and assorted other rifle-totin' Teabaggers of somehow inspiring or fostering this type of action is sort of like blaming birthday clowns for John Wayne Gacy or Alive: The Story of the Andes Survivors for Jeffrey Dahmer.

Sure, it doesn't help that public figures like Sarah Palin put up interactive maps with gun crosshairs targeting political rivals, like Gabrielle Giffords for instance, and constantly remind America "Don't Retreat, Reload." But even if we were to ban all the Sarah Palins and Glenn Becks in the world, crazy is still crazy. And in America, a person like Loughner may be too crazy for community college but certainly not too crazy to waltz into a store and waltz out with a semiautomatic weapon.
One of the talking points about the Tucson shooting is that the gun used is “just the same as the one police use”, and that’s true – the Glock 9mm pistol is a common police sidearm. But, police carry it with a 15 shot clip, not the 30+ shot extended magazine Loughner used. By the definition of the assault weapon ban, it’s an assault gun with that extended mag.
And since Arizona essentially has no gun laws, there was nothing to stop a lunatic like Loughner from purchasing a gun, loading it, driving to the local Tuscon Safeway and opening fire on a crowd of unarmed men, woman, and children.

Perhaps, instead of asking the likes of Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, the Tea Party and the entire Fox News team to refrain from open hatred and violent inflammatory rhetoric, we would be much better served considering enacting barriers to the purchase of semi-automatic weapons by obviously insane people.

Because if there's one thing America has collectively agreed upon at this point, it is that restricting our freedom to say meany things to one another is a helluva lot easier and more desirable than restricting our favoritest freedom to acquire powerful firearms to use on one another.

Apparently, many in our great nation, and in Arizona particularly, believe that registering firearms, requiring competency evaluations, or mandating that all gun sales be accompanied by a note from a mental health professional certifying mental stability is waaaaaay too much of a burden than say, the occasional senseless slaughter of innocent people and nine-year-old girls.

Good thing Arizona Governor Jan Brewer understands that the good people of America would much prefer to have the occasional mass killing than reasonable restrictions on the rights of crazy people to buy guns.

What Gov. Brewer is upset about, however isn't the selling of a semi-automatic assault weapon to a crazy person or even her state's terrible negligence when it comes to caring for the mentally ill, since they are pathetic losers who nobody likes anyway.

No, no what really grinds ol' Jan Brewer's gears is the fact that Loughner is not a Mexican, because everyone knows Mexicans are terrible criminals responsible for every unspeakable act of violence, everywhere.

Had Loughner been Mexican or even so much as looked even slightly Mexicanish, this whole tragedy would never have happened.

Dude would have been (legally!) harassed and detained so many times, he probably wouldn't even have made it to the damn Safeway.

Most Mexicans can't. Why else would they call it Safeway?


Monday, January 10, 2011

For Once Sarah Palin Actually Stands On The Right Side Of History; Like Always She Manages To Offend Us All

Retired snow bunny, current reality teevee star, and president of Twitterbook, Sarah Louise Palin, is trying her very hardest to be taken seriously as a real, electable politician! Mostly by alternating her precious time pallin' around bein' free with Kate Gosselin in majestic, wild Alaska and tweeting 140-character gibberish no one understands all so she can one day become President of America on behalf of all Mama Grizzlies who love Jesus 'n freedom 'n underage teenage pregnancies 'n stuff.

Oh, you betcha!

So, it comes as no surprise that Miss Thang decided to do the proper, professional, presidential thing and let the whole world know her very important opinion on the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't re-Tweeting some weirdo rightwing lezzie columnist's Tweet about 'homos' and how microblogging is turning the entire nation into one collective special needs precious li'l miracle named Trigger.

Apparently, Alaska's hellchild Sarah Palin does have tons of gay and lesbian friends! Particularly random, like-minded righties she's never actually met nor heard of 'til now, who just so happen to be one of them awful gays!

From conservative pundit (and secret Sarah Palin BFF) Tammy Bruce's Twitter:
But this hypocrisy is just truly too much. Enuf already—the more someone complains about the homos the more we should look under their bedTue Jan 04 03:12:46 via web

OMG, like so true! Everyone knows that those who utterly hate the terrible gross gays the absolute mostest and loudest, and want nothing more than to keep their awful AIDS spreading paws away from the sacred altars and out of the perfectly straight military are usually the ones who end up being terrible gays themselves, or at the very least, the ones with all the secret gay stuff stashed "under their bed."

Everyone including Sarah Palin, that is.

Oooh, how delightful! America's #1 favoritest Twatter of dumb, indecipherable nonsense on important social policies has decided to break her "silence" on the not-really-controversial-except-among-other rabidly-homophobic-probably-also-homosexual-Republicans, Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, by re-tweeting some conservative dyke's profound 140-character thought about the "Homos" and their "beds."

Hooray for freedom and fags!

Except umm, SarBear, here's the thing. While homos the whole nation over are simply delighted, no, make that overjoyed, that the usually reliably bigoted wench of Wasilla is suddenly totally cool with the terrible gays and lesbians prancing around serving (and servicing!) America's Armed Forces, now that they are legally permitted to do so, it is still considered somewhat distasteful for anyone, let alone a major political figure reality teevee star who is also VERY straight to use the word "homos," or quote its use in any way, even if it is in a vague, semi pro-gay rights context.

Not even Sarah Palin, who owns the entire state of Alaska!

Because unless Mama Grizz wants to throw on a pair of khakis and baggy flannel shirt, throw out the lipstick, and go down on Miss Tammy Bruce, she probably shouldn't be tossing the word "homos" around like the new Lilith Fair CD among a group of San Fran dykes on bikes.

This f**kin' woman! I mean, she would come out for gay rights in a way that pisses off the vast majority of gay people, wouldn't she?

Of course she would! Then again, why on God's green earth would anyone expect professionalism from dingbat Sarah Palin, of all people?

Enuf already!