Thursday, March 31, 2011

Like Everything Else About His Existence, Donald Trump's Birth Certificate Isn't Real Either

Obscenely rich, obscenely obnoxious, pretend presidential candidate Donald Trump is always looking for cool, exciting new gimmicks to help keep his fake presidential run in the news and fresh in people's mind, right next to Charlie Sheen's latest win (an eight ball?) and Chris Brown's cock shots.

Like when the Donald decided to take some time off from his very important job fake-firing and fake-hiring washed-up former celebrities to throw on his best confederate flag lapel and hop aboard the Birther express to see where the crazy wingnut train takes him.

Denny's? Arizona? The White House?

But, much like his oddly glowing skin, after a couple of days or so, the "Trump is a Birther" buzz began to fade, and Donald was once again left in the utterly desperate position of no one caring about him or his convenient new beliefs regarding the birthplace of our nation's first (and God-willing last!) black president of Socialism.

So what did he do? Released his beautiful birth certificate to right-wing rag Newsmax, where, much like the thick, flowing golden locks adorning his head, was also proven fake within a matter of hours.

Of course, you're probably thinking, but how on Earth could this yellow-tinted chicken scratch sheet that looks like something a fourth grader spent ten seconds creating on Microsoft Publisher or any 1990s banner/certificate-maker software, not be real?

Politico's Ben Smith writes:
It appears instead to be a hospital “certificate of birth,” meaning the piece of paper the hospital gave to his family saying he was born. Such a document typically has the signature of the hospital administrator and the attending physician.
Trump lawyer and advisor Michael Cohen didn’t respond to Haberman’s question about the document.
Trump’s mother, it should be noted, was born in Scotland, which is not part of the United States. His plane is registered in the Bahamas, also a foreign country. This fact pattern — along with the wave of new questions surrounding what he claims is a birth certificate — raises serious doubts about his eligibility to serve as President of the United States.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?? Since when does being the head of the Miss USA pageants not make you automatically eligible for President?

According to the Smoking Gun:
As seen above, he provided the conservative web site with what he purports to be his birth certificate. Except the document is not an official New York City birth certificate, but rather a document generated by Jamaica Hospital, where Trump's mother Mary reportedly gave birth in June 1946.
Official birth certificates are issued (and maintained) by the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene's Office of Vital Records.
So, what is Trump trying to conceal?
Other than the fact that he is from JAMAICA?? Isn't it obvious, people? The illegal alien he is harboring on his head, duh! For all we know, he picked up the tangled ol' rat's nest along the Mexican border, plunked it atop his big, fat skull, whipped up one of his signature instant Donald Trump™ birth certificates and put it to task living and working illegally in these United States.

Hmmm, sounds suspiciously Kenyan.

Not that it matters anyway, because he's white, err, whitish orange.

Which begs the other even more pressing, unanswered question surrounding Trump, how can one man be worth soooooo much and still be so God damn worthless??

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Teabagger Dude's Got 99 Problems, But A Brain Ain't One!

We are a nation of great and diverse wealth.

As you probably already know, the state of the nation can be accurately assessed by reading the fine print between the lines of America's most trusted, new journalist, the old, rusted-out, 1970s Toyota camper parked outside a local Burger King.

And on this great, new canvas of freedom comes all the poetic brilliance and artful expression you'd expect from someone with the subtle wit, keen intellect, and teabags caffeinated enough to call our half-black president a monkey with no intelligence, while misspelling every other word plastered on his vintage creepy pedovan.


Oh, you're a biologist too?

Ignorant fools! Unlike this pillar of the community and resident Einstein who lets his automobile do the talking, instead of grunting like some gross gorilla mouth who needs a magic Jesus scroll machine to remind him of all the big, more-than-one-syllable words written in his speech.

Well, this guy doesn't need no stinkin' teleprompter to remind him of "THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT"

Give me a tank top or give me death! Just like the Constitution says. Besides, everyone knows sleeves are for pussies!

But did you know that UFO's are the ANGELS IN THE BIBLE? The ones who DID ALL THE MIRACLES? Eww, perverts!

You might think God loves man, the being He created in his own image, the very bestest. You'd be wrong, ya monkey brain morons!

Then hurry up and do it, do-nothing UFOs!
That Jesus is always trying to take all the credit.

Most blessed are the UFOs, for they shall inherit the Earth, once it has been destroyed by heathen hippies, homos, and humans for Hussein NObama.

Even more impressive than this recreational vehicle owners' spelling and grammar skills is his uncanny insider knowledge of the intimate details behind Obama's swanky, secret White House soirees.

Beer summits on the reg.

“OBAMA HAS BOOSE PARTY’S EVERY OTHER DAY (AVERAGE) AT THE WHITE HOUSE, GIVEING EVERY-ONE $150 STEAKS (IMPORTED) TO EAT," Fox News' newest ace reporter, the worn-out Winnebago explains.


Impossible! No way! C'mon, that sounds sort of like something an American would do!

That said, someone really ought to tell Donald Trump he may be trying a bit too hard with his new campaign tour bus. Just a tad.

Monday, March 28, 2011

General Electric: Proudly Leading The Way In Evading Corporate Taxes Since The 1970s

It's funny, the things people care about wouldn'tcha say? Like how, despite evidence, facts, and an actual live certificate of birth, a whole segment of the population (typically the toothless white trash trailer park type) still refuses to believe a one Barack Hussein Obama was born anywhere but deepest darkest Africa if he was even born on this planet at all instead of secretly sprung from the Socialist loin of Satan in his real birth place down in the seventh circle of hell, as any Teabagger worth his weight in Lipton understands.

But try telling these very same people that the path to Socialist ruin isn't paved with dead Grandmas, greedy, fair-wage demanding teachers, terrible, no-good workers unions, or even lousy job-stealing immigrants, but rather that every single aspect of the financial crisis in the United States is directly due to both huge corporations and the very richest .01% individuals not paying taxes, and it's as if you've just said all KFCs have turned into organic arugula gardens and all McDonald's will now be referred to as MosqeDonalds with Halal Meals replacing Happy Meals.

"You lie!" they shriek, doing their best inappropriate Joe Wilson outburst.

Impossible! It's simply too outrageous to be true. It couldn't possibly be! Liars!

But what if it turned out not to be just another liberal lie from the elitist Jew-run lamestream media?

What if basically everything — your bankrupt schools, crumbling highways, falling bridges, neglected state parks, vast graveyards of foreclosed homes, shuttered storefronts, abandoned construction sites, the laid-off city maintenance worker who jumped off the roof of City Hall in Cosa Mesa after half the town's workforce was fired and replaced by outsourced hourly contractors, including a new $3,000 a week PR spokesman the mayor hired — was more than coincidentally related to the the fact that General Electric, America’s largest corporation and the second-biggest company on Earth, simply does not pay any taxes at all. None, nada, nil, nothing. Zip, zero, zilch.

I mean, it's not as if they use their awesome new top-of-the-line front load Energy Star washer/dryer unit to launder their dirty sexy stacks of money or anything illegal/ ike that. No, no, don't be silly!

They just so happen to be as wonderfully skilled in mass producing state-of-the-art stainless steel kitchen appliances, incandescent/florescent/LED light bulbs, military jet engines, wind turbines, oil drilling pipes and nuclear weapons, as they are in evading U.S. taxes.


Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for evading damming articles by intrepid New York Times reporters that could quite possibly be the most infuriating, dull number-crunching piece you'll ever read.
General Electric, the nation’s largest corporation, had a very good year in 2010.
The company reported worldwide profits of $14.2 billion, and said $5.1 billion of the total came from its operations in the United States.
Its American tax bill? None. In fact, G.E. claimed a tax benefit of $3.2 billion.
That may be hard to fathom for the millions of American business owners and households now preparing their own returns, but low taxes are nothing new for G.E.
Well, I should certainly hope so!
The company has been cutting the percentage of its American profits paid to the Internal Revenue Service for years, resulting in a far lower rate than at most multinational companies.
Phew! How else would they make ends meet? Other than binding two poor people together with their industrial grade duct tape, of course!
Its extraordinary success is based on an aggressive strategy that mixes fierce lobbying for tax breaks and innovative accounting that enables it to concentrate its profits offshore. G.E.’s giant tax department, led by a bow-tied former Treasury official named John Samuels, is often referred to as the world’s best tax law firm...and includes former officials not just from the Treasury, but also from the I.R.S. and virtually all the tax-writing committees in Congress.
Which is great news for the poor, struggling billionaire General Electric executives slaving away to bring you all the innovate, prohibitively expensive products you don't need nor want, and couldn't afford anyway.

Because with its massive internal tax-evasion department headed by a former Treasury official and stuffed with former IRS agents, G.E. is simply the standard bearer of excellence when it comes to monstrous mega-corporations that control almost every aspect of policy and politics, duping the schmucky public into paying the lion's share of federal taxes.

You see, a half century ago, back in the 1950s (the good old days John Boehner's always weeping for), when women knew their place and men weren't afraid to give toots a li'l slap on the behind when she got too fresh, corporations like GE paid a whopping 30% of America’s total taxes. Today that number is down to 6.6%, and yet these same lovely corporations whine incessantly about how the crushing burden of single digit tax rates are squeezing companies to the breaking point, where they can barely afford to do business in America anymore.

Which isn't the worst that could happen, considering no one can afford to buy anything in America anymore, either.

Oh well! Thank goodness Republicans understand how to solve this glaring fiscal disparity.

By defunding NPR, removing art murals from state labor departments, and clamping down on those out-of-control, greedy, minimum-wage earning teachers, janitors, and assembly line workers bringing the whole country down.

For the love of unchecked capitalism, how do you expect GE's golden parachutes to fly with all that dead weight?

Because at GE, We Don't Just "Bring Good Things To Life," We "Bring Good Tax Dodges To Light!"

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Crazy New Maine Governor Paul LePage Declares War On Labor...In The Form Of Historic Art Murals In The State Capital

It is no secret that several Republican governors, like that one Kochsucker in Wisconsin, have waged an all-out, no holds-barred, full-frontal assault on those no-good workers' unions and their terrible, ungodly right to collectively bargain fair wages and safe working conditions so they don't end up dying both penniless and limbless, since everyone knows it's probably cheaper to leave a few bloody digits here and there, than risk delaying production of the shiny, gleaming new 60 inch 3D LCD flatscreen HDTV 1080 dpi, with built-in state-of-the-art surround sound.

Priorities, people!

Not that those greedy teachers and assembly line workers could possibly understand that with their fancy shmancy 1992 Subaru Outbacks, worn out overalls, and seemingly never supply of bright, thick highlighters and sleek bic pens.

Guess for some people, the sky's the limit!

Good thing there's still one person who understands the stakes and will not stop, will not so much as rest, until every last lazy budget-busting union worker, school teacher, police officer, and sanitation worker is crushed, squashed, wiped from existence, and otherwise brought completely to their likely arthritic knees in the new, noble, holy GOP-helmed War on the Working Class.

Because for the new Teabagging governor of Maine, Paul LePage, a new front has just been opened in the war, and now it's not just labor unions in his crosshairs, but labor art too!

This ain't your grandma's class warfare!

You see, Paul LePage is understandably so disgusted by a "36-foot mural depicting the state's labor history" in the lobby of Maine's Department of Labor that he's ordered its removal, which will hopefully be followed by the prompt removal of all other undesirables, like Muslims, gays, Mexicans, and all other hapless schmucks who tasted the sweet nectar of freedom and somehow still landed in Maine. Maine!

Oh, and you know those conference rooms named after famous pro-labor icons like Cesar Chavez and the first female U.S. Cabinet secretary, FDR-era Labor Secretary Francis Perkins?? Those need to go too. Too worker-y!

Of course, the problem isn't that the mural and conference rooms disturbed the delicate aesthetic sensibilities, or even the sophisticated artistic integrity of the average Maine citizens, but rather that some businesspeople started bitching, which as you know always requires immediate action.

This is America after all!
"We have received feedback that the administration building is not perceived as equally receptive to both businesses and workers -- primarily because of the nature of the mural in the lobby and the names of our conference rooms," Maine Department of Labor Acting Commissioner Laura Boyett wrote in an e-mail.

"Whether or not the perception is valid is not really at issue and therefore, not open to debate. If either of our two constituencies perceives that they are not welcome in our administration building and this translates to a belief that their needs will not be heard or met by this department, then it presents a barrier to achieving our mission."
No poors allowed!

On the other hand, all the hot shot business owners and big wigs need to do is snap their fingers and voila! no more unsightly Socialist beggar mural!

Hmmm, the workers would probably do the same thing, if their fingers were still attached to their hands not stuck in a boiling vat of Maine's famous lobster clam bisque.

Gov. LePage's Press Secretary Adrienne Bennett said the governor's office is exploring alternative places to keep the mural, perhaps in the state museum, and believes they can move it without damaging the artwork.

"We're not going to put an 'Open for Business' sign in the lobby either," she said when asked what would replace the painting. "It's going to be neutral."

I mean they're not dirty whores, here!
"When you walk into our Department of Labor lobby, you see this mural, which is on several walls," Bennett said. "There's no getting around it. You see it, and it's there. The administration feels it's inappropriate for a taxpayer-funded agency to appear to be on one side or another. Clearly, the mural depicts one side. ... We've got to make sure, as a Department and as a state government, we're representing all Maine people."
Or at least those who went ahead and actually made something of themselves, getting filthy rich off the misfortunes of others, not frittering away their lives teaching your bratty kid English.

"The message from state agencies needs to be balanced," Bennett said, adding that that the rooms could instead be named "after mountains, counties or something."

Or maybe something really beautiful and inspiring like say Bernie Madoff's Golden Pyramid scheme atop a scintillating sea of luxurious shiny black BP-oil soaked bird and fish carcasses, with a breathtaking cascade of acid rain, Glenn Beck's gold plated coins, and poor people's tears trickling down on the miserable mass of weeping orphans, starving children, and the now-distant memories of Maine's once thriving, now threatened working class.
"No matter what you name a room, no matter how many pictures you take down, the truth is that this state was built by and for working people and this move dishonors the generations of hard-working Mainers who came before us," Maine AFL-CIO President Don Berry said. "Paul LePage cannot erase our history, and he will not silence the voice of the working class in Maine."
Don't be silly. With all the greedy teachers gone, there's no one to teach the poor schlubs how to speak anyway.

But how does a nice, pretty picture sound instead?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Daily Caller Hires Ginni Thomas In The Hopes That She'll Stop Calling Women To Demand Apologies For Being Sexually Harassed By Her Husband

Ginni Thomas, the loyal lobbyist Teabagging wife of Supremely silent and Supremely sexy Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has taken the next step in her professional journey of weird, quasi-legal, likely immoral influence-peddling conservative jobs, most recently accepting the not-at-all interest conflicting "special correspondent" position at the appropriately special needs wingnut website, The Daily Caller.


That's right, Virginia "Ginni" Thomas is indeed joining the awful media elites she spends so much of her time bashing, just not the terrible arugula eating “mainstream media” (not named Fox news) specializing in “gotcha journalism” as “lapdogs for the other side” by reporting actual facts, not the crazed chalkboard conspiracies of whichever voices are whispering in Glenn Beck's head now.

And who better to fill this important journalism job than someone who is not a journalist, despises the profession in general, and is used to earning her keep making ethics violations on her husband's behalf, who per usual, had no comment.
Asked to discuss her latest, greatest, sketchball move to The Daily Caller, Ginni Thomas said, "It is a privilege to join such a fast-growing platform with a capable, fun-loving team who are filling a niche that the dinosaur media has underserved."

Whoa, whoa, easy there Ginni! What did the nation's proud paleontology trade journalists ever do to you, huh? It's not their fault God created scientists!

Tucker Carlson, Daily Caller co-founder, editor, and unofficial president of bow-ties, said that Thomas’s position will be part time, beginning in “days or weeks” and will focus on “identifying and interviewing people who might in the future become influential in politics or who are already influential but who you may not know about.”

And not just because hubby Clarence forget to include so much as a single cent of Ginni's hefty income on 13 years’ worth of financial disclosure reports. Whoopsies! An honest mistake anyone could make! I mean it's not like we should expect a brilliant legal mind, one who sits on the highest court of the land and is called upon to understand and interpret the most complicated legal issues of our day, to be able to understand the simple directions of a federal disclosure form!

Carlson said Thomas “knows a ton of people” and likened her presence at the publication to “a dinner party formula: If you get a lot of interesting people with varied experiences and backgrounds and points of view and put them in one place, they’re apt to provide a pretty interesting evening.”

Or vomit on your pricey new stereo system. Either one, really.

“Ginni is always upbeat, she has an unbelievable amount of energy and enthusiasm and she knows our political system as well as anyone in Washington,” publisher and CEO Neil Patel, a former adviser to Vice President Dick Cheney, said. “We could not imagine a better person to take on this role.”

So true. Now when she calls up Anita Hill out of nowhere at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning to demand an apology for being sooooo attractive (aka slutty) that her hubby Clarence just couldn't stop harassing her with pubic hairs and diet coke, while instructing her to disrobe right there and hop on  his hard, throbbing gavel, it won't be because she's batsh*t crazy, it'll  be because her job demands it!

Hellooooo people, it's called the Daily Caller! I mean it freakin' has Ginni's name written all over it!

So kudos to Ginni and her wonderful new non-secret gig at the Daily Caller. Hopefully, this crack squad team of dedicated, hard-hitting non-journalists will finally answer the pressing, age-old questions on everyone's mind, like where in the world is Barack Hussain Obama's/Barry Soetoro's birth certificate (hint: Kendonesia), why that no-good whore Anita Hill must publicly apologize to Ginni for getting in the way of Clarence Thomas' big black dick, err, docket, I mean docket, and why Teabaggers are the bestest, most freedom 'n Jesus loving, morbidly obese Americans ever to zip around on Socialized Medicare scooters, waving racist, misspelled signs, while shrieking about gays, poors, Muslims, fetuses and dead grandmothers.

So let freedom ring!

Don't worry, Ginni will answer it.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

War, What Is It Good For? Absolutely Everything!


Since two protracted bloody wars weren't quite enough for America™, the mighty red, white, and blue figured why the hell not launch a third awesome military (mis)adventure into hostile foreign territory to help save hundreds of thousands of suffering Libyans delicious barrels of oil, and uphold our nation's commitment to restoring peace and stability back to gas stations the world over.


Whaddya think, the country that produced Charlie Sheen was just gonna sit back eating Twinkies and having mental breakdowns live via webcam while the rest of the world got their awesome war on? Ha ha, we're winners, here remember?
A coalition including the United States, France, Britain, Canada and Italy has begun launching strikes on Libya designed to cripple air defenses, as the West tries to force Col. Muammar Gaddafi from power.

The move is the first direct U.S. involvement in the international operation mobilizing to stop Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi's attacks on opposition strongholds and enforce a U.N.-backed no-fly zone.

Some 25 coalition ships, including three U.S. submarines armed with Tomahawk missiles stationed in the Mediterraneant will take part in the operation, called "Odyssey Dawn," that will mainly target air defenses around the Libyan cities of Tripoli and Misrata.
A defiant Gadhafi said Libya will fight back against undeserved "naked aggression," likely with his preferred kind of "naked aggression," in the form of highly trained half-naked Amazonian femme fatales sporting string bikinis and slinging semi-automatics.

"All you people of the Islamic nations and Africa, and Latin America and Asia, stand with the Libyan people in its fight against this aggression," Gadhafi declared, presumably unaware that the roguishly handsome man he was addressing was really his own reflection in the mirror, not his fellow countrymen showing their solidarity by dressing like their favoritest mentally ill madman in a muumuu.

In a letter addressed to Obama and read to reporters by a government spokesman in Tripoli, Gadhafi said, "I have all the Libyan people with me and I'm prepared to die. And they are prepared to die for me. Men, women and even children."

Hell, he'd even tell you to go ask 'em yourself, but unfortunately their tongues have all been cut out. Oops, a real doozy!

Guess you'll just have to take his word for it.

"What we are doing is necessary, it is legal and it is right," Prime Minister David Cameron said. "I believe we should not stand aside while this dictator murders his own people."

Our oil reserves depend on it, God damn it!

"The use of force is not our first choice," President Barack Obama echoed from Brasilia, Brazil. "It is not a choice I make lightly. But we cannot stand idly by when a tyrant tells his own people that there will be no mercy."

Unless that tyrant happens to be terrorizing some worthless, poor oil-less country in sub-Saharan Africa like Sudan or whatever. Then, by all means, we'll gladly stand idly by watching American idol instead!

But in Libya's case, Obama just couldn't resist plunging into war, and not just any war, but a cute sexy little half war that is new, hot, fun, exciting, looks great in stars 'n stripes, and unlike our last fling, doesn't involve any long term commitment like endless occupation, repeated attempts to stabilize a shattered psyche, or even having to find a new collection of leaders to prop up shower her with enough flowers and chocolates to keep her happy and satisfied (and out of our hair) for the next oh, couple of decades or so.

Forget wining and dining, we're talking, wham bam thank you ma'am!

But lucky for us, Donald Trump is more than qualified for such delicate matters of love and war.

From Fox and Friends:
I think I probably have more experience of anybody [in the GOP field] — whether I sell them real estate for tremendous amounts of money. I mean, I've dealt with everybody. And by the way, I can tell you something else. I dealt with Gaddafi. I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn't let him use the land. That's what we should be doing. I don't want to use the word 'screwed', but I screwed him.

That's what we should be doing.
See? If Donald Trump were our president, and we were his clients, he'd at least have the decency to pimp us like prostitutes before totally screwing us.

The way a real President is supposed to. Instead of wasting all his time screwing some dumb broad, Libby or Libya, or whatever.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Donald Trump Pretending To Be A Birther & Viable Presidential Candidate; Still Refuses To Shake Hands With Poor Schmucks Like Voters

Donald Trump, the loud mouth, oddly discolored, über classy Celebrity Apprentice host who makes a living shrieking, "You're Fired!" at frightened underlings, is still pretending to be seriously contemplating a bid for the once-every-four-years chance to squander his own money to get embarrassingly crushed by Barack Obama in the presidential elections.

And hell no, he won't shake hands after, whaddya freakin' nuts or something?

Anyway, so yeah, Donald Trump is still a few months away from his self-imposed deadline (during sweeps week, no less!) on whether or not to toss his hat with a diamond encrusted capital T into the ring as America's greatest next president...of bad toupees & gaudy, overpriced buildings.

Which gives him approximately another four months to score cheap headlines and milk his li'l faux presidential run for all it's worth. And knowing the Donald, your broke ass won't be able to afford it, anyway, mwahahahaha!

But let's humor him anyway, shall we!?

Oh, look, today must be 'pretend to be a Birther Day' because any Republican worth anything has just got to make up some reason or another why Barack Obama couldn't possibly have been born in the ol' U.S. of A!
"Let me tell you, I'm a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country. The reason I have a little doubt, just a little, is because he grew up and nobody knew him," Trump said in the interview that aired Thursday.

"If I got the nomination, if I decide to run, you may go back and interview people from my kindergarten. They'll remember me. Nobody comes forward. Nobody knows who he is until later in his life. It's very strange," the Celebrity Apprentice host added. "The whole thing is very strange."
Strange, huh? Even stranger are all the interviews that just magically appeared from various people in Obama's kindergarten class. Like say, his teacher, Katherine Nakamoto, who in 2009, described a 5-year-old Barry Obama to the Maui News: “He was a cute, likable, heavy build-child. I could visualize Barry smiling, dressed in his long-sleeved, white shirt tucked into his brown Bermuda shorts, and wearing laced shoes."


Or his third-grade classmate at Noelani Elementary School, Scott Inoue, now a chiropractor in California, who has a photo hanging in his office, "Scott & Barry 3rd grade 1969."

"He was a lot taller than me; he towered above most of us. I don't know why I remember that photo, but maybe it's because he had one of those personalities. Possibly because he was the only African-American in a school predominantly attended by Japanese," Inoue said.

Or possibly because he was really a secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist...from Kenya!

So, where are all of Donald Trump's kindergarten or elementary school teachers and classmates, huh? He knows they'll remember him.

He's probably right, too!

After all, it's pretty hard to forget the fat red-faced bully with spit dribbling down his chin, stains on his shirt, boogers in his nose, who stole everyone's lunch money, ate all the teacher's glue, and whose Pennies-for-Pencils program turned out to be the most precocious, successful Ponzi scheme in elementary school history.

Guess greatness is born, not made.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Michele Bachmann: Media Reporting All The Dumb Things I Say Either Proves Liberal Bias, Or That I Am Just An Idiot

Insane Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a few things. Okay, okay, so maybe not where the 1775 battles of Lexington and Concord were fought (Massachusetts, not New Hampshire) or even which state was the one with "the shot heard around the world," (Again, Massachusetts, not New Hampshire), or what the hell New Hampshire is anyway, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love America with all her Jesus-blessed star-spangled heart.

Psst, New Hampshire is the state where the United States Marines raised the flag at Iwo Jima, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon, and of course, Ronnie Reagan declared once and for all, for Mr. Gorbachev to tear down that wall!

"I made a mistake," she said. "I should've said Massachusetts instead of New Hampshire."

Coulda, shoulda, woulda!

It was an honest mistake, of course, one anyone could make, including a certain terrible no-good Socialist Muslim Terrorist from Kenya, but you would never know about that because "the 3,400 members of the mainstream media are a part of the Obama press contingent."

The God damn arugula eating liberal elitists!

Asked if she was surprised by news reports on her gaffe, Bachmann replied,  "No, not at all. We all know that there's a double standard in the media."

Aww snap! You better believe it!
Bachmann highlighted moments when President Barack Obama misspoke as a candidate. In one instance, in May 2008, then-Sen. Obama said, “Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.”
Later in the day, Obama told reporters that he misspoke.
Bachmann suggested that helps prove a liberal media bias.
“Of course, that wasn’t considered newsworthy,” she said of Obama’s remarks.
Ummm, really? Are you sure about that, Mich? Because that whole totally ignored-by-the-mainstream-media “Obama says there are 57 states” thing turns up about 15,900,000 results on Google. But, "Michele Bachmann is a nutjob" only yields about 36,100 Google search results. So, what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is going on??

This could only mean one thing: there is a widespread pro-Michele Bachmann bias in the evil, elitist Jew-run mainstream radical Muslim homosexual media, and Peter King and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots must immediately investigate all non-white skinned people, shoot all the dirty immigrants, and defund Planned Parenthood before NObama's roving Socialist death panels murder Grandma, the Constitution is replaced by the Koran, and every last U.S. citizen is sold into slavery under Sharia Law.

"So it doesn't matter which conservative is out there, if an error is made, in any way, that is what is stated. They didn't talk about the great crowds, the standing ovations, the wonderful time that we had in New Hampshire. And that is just the way that it goes."


Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give to you the one and only, Michele Bachmann: "Making Sarah Palin Look Presidential Since 2010."

And that is just the way it goes!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Meet Virgil Peck: The Most Twisted Thing To Come Out Of Kansas Since The Tornado!

As if the name Virgil Peck isn't freakin' crazy enough, a certain Kansas State Republican from Tyro figured what better way to reinforce all the negative stereotypes of dumb-as-dirt, ass backwards rednecks from the dusty middle of nowhere than opening his big fat trap to say something terrible and insane about some, likely brown-skinned, minority or another.

And boy did ol' Virgy come through! After all, you don't get to represent the psychopathic wing of the Republican Party for nothing!

Oh what, you think Virgil was just gonna sit back and let Arizona have all the rootin' tootin' Mexi-hunting fun? Ha, something tells me we wouldn't be in Kansas anymore then, my friends!

Another day, another ho-hum Kansas House Appropriations Committee discussion about the various ways to exterminate feral swine, including Sarah Palin's #1 favoritest past time, shooting them from helicopters, when suddenly Rep.Virgil Peck was struck by one of those Eureka! moments, about all the other awesome things you could do while aerial hunting, like say indiscriminately shooting brown people from the sky.

"It looks like to me if shooting these immigrating feral hogs works maybe we have found a [solution] to our illegal immigration problem," Peck said.

Yippee ki-ay mother f**ker!
Asked about his comment by the Lawrence Journal World, Peck was unapologetic and said he was "just joking."
Hahahahahahahaha, well, in his defense, he does have a point there. Gunning down immigrants like pigs is pretty hilarious!
But Virgil said most of his constituents are extremely upset with illegal immigration and the state and federal government response, adding he didn't expect any further controversy over his comment. "I think it's over," he said.

"I was just speaking like a southeast Kansas person," he said.
Yes, Virgil. Because everyone in Southeast Kansas believes that America should deal with immigration by sniping brown people, or at least any ruffian who appears to have a skin tone darker than marshmallow or skim milk from 10,000 ft in the air.

Appropriations Chairman Marc Rhoades, R-Newton, admitted Peck's comment was inappropriate, but said he thought Peck was joking.

"Hopefully he won't do it again."

Why? Everyone loves jokes!

Especially when they're elected to public office.

In the meantime, since he looooves the idea so much, an even better suggestion would be to just go ahead and test it out on Virgil Peck.

Just joking!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Remember When Hope & Change Meant Something Other Than Rope & Hang? Haha, Neither Does Obama!

Remember that tall, dark, and handsome man sweet talking America into falling head over heels for his sexy smile, chocolatey smooth leadership style, and unique ability to formulate complete sentences without the the aid of a teleprompter or Dick Cheney grunting in his ear?

You know, the "hopey changey" one who was gonna restore honor and dignity back to America by pronouncing "nuclear" correctly and not smart bombing random oil-rich Muslim countries in the Middle East for fun and profit, while letting poor black coastal cities in the U.S. drown in murky flood water, Barack Hussein Obama or something?

Neither do we!

Must've been a dream!

Because when we woke up to full-scale labor wars in courtesy of some Kochsucking governor in Wisconsin, continuing troop surges in Afghanistan, tax breaks for billionaire bankers, and Sarah Palin shrieking about drinking the blood of Jewish babies, some lanky black dude calling himself President Obama was suddenly waxing poetic about how the insane abuse/indefinite detention of American citizens is "appropriate," so long as his name is U.S. Army Private Bradley Manning, and he is responsible for WikiLeaking sensitive military material all over the Internets.

What the Obama administration will not tolerate, however, is some pesky longtime public servant, like say, State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley, having the basketballs big enough to commit the unforgivable sin of criticizing the the Pentagon's Soviet-esque solitary confinement, torture, and abuse of Private First Class Bradley Manning as "ridiculous and counterproductive and stupid."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are your manners, P.J.? Didn't all those years of government and military service teach you anything?

Despite what the whiny 'professional left' may lead you to believe, it is never, I repeat, never, acceptable for a high-ranking official to publicly speak out against the secret, sadistic military treatment of anyone, let alone an actual citizen of the U.S. of A, under any circumstances.

It's simply in bad taste! Next time the U.S. government is forcing detainees to wear dog collars, blindfolds, and form naked pyramids, you smile, nod, and keep your stinkin' trap shut, unless you want them to shut it for you, got it Crowley?

Or, you may just find yourself bound, gagged, and shivering stark naked next to your new boyfriend Bradley over at Quantico, if you catch Obama's drift.

We're in the middle of a WikiLeaks War, God damn it, and war is no time for rational thought or peaceful dissent!

So, in Barack Obama’s administration, it’s perfectly acceptable to abuse an American citizen in detention who has been convicted of nothing by consigning him to 23-hour-a-day solitary confinement, barring him from exercising in his cell, punitively imposing “suicide watch” restrictions on him against the recommendations of brig psychiatrists, and subjecting him to prolonged, forced nudity designed to humiliate and degrade. But speaking out against that abuse is a firing offense. Good to know. As Matt Yglesias just put it: “Sad statement about America that P.J. Crowley is the one being forced to resign over Bradley Manning.” And as David Frum added: “Crowley firing: one more demonstration of my rule: Republican pols fear their base, Dem pols despise it.”
True, but you would too if your base consisted of angry, unemployed former Klansmen with AK-47s slung across their chest, instead of arugula eating liberal elitists whose biggest threat is beating you at the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle.

Because, clearly all those hopey changey-type socialists, commies, queers, elitists, abortionists, atheists, hippie-dippie human rights advocates, and American apologists who voted for Barack Obama back in 2008 were really hoping for a president who not only continues such evil George W. Bush freedom-fighting, Stalin-style House of Horror policies as pouring refreshing troughs of water on stacks of naked Iraqi prisoners, but is now actually torturing American citizens and standing up for it, right there from the presidential podium in the White House.

Woohoo! USA! USA! USA! USA! Besides, everyone knows if voting changed anything, they'd probably have made it illegal by now.

Jane Hamsher, one of “the professional left" always stirring up trouble for Obama at the liberal blog FireDogLake, where P.J. Crowley will probably end up working now, writes:

"With his firing of Crowley, Obama makes a mockery of his own claim to be a constitutional scholar who supports transparency in government.”

What ever do you mean?? Thanks to Barry, they use Saran Wrap, not steel chains to bind their political prisoners!

“Other than Obama's tolerance for the same detainee abuse against which he campaigned and his ongoing subservience to the military that he supposedly 'commands,'" Salon’s Glenn Greenwald writes. “It is the way in which this Manning/Crowley behavior bolsters the regime of secrecy and the President's obsessive attempts to destroy whistle blowing that makes this episode so important and so telling.”

Too bad nobody knows what the hell is actually being said, because it's currently chained, gagged, and locked in a padded in Dick Cheney's underground lair 2,500 ft below the surface of the Earth.

“By firing PJ Crowley for the offense of protesting against the sadistic military treatment of Bradley Manning, the president has now put his personal weight behind prisoner abuse,” blogger Andrew Sullivan explains. “The man who once said that forced nudity was a form of torture, now takes the word of those enforcing it over a distinguished public servant.”

Who instead of serving the people, will likely now be serving hard time in Gitmo instead.

How’s that hopey changey thing working out?

Ah, just like Clockwork. Clockwork Orange, that is.

Monday, March 14, 2011

OMG, Japan Gets Rocked By Massive Earthquake, Tsunami; Naturally U.S. Republicans Respond By Trying To Cut Earthquake, Tsunami Monitoring Funds

Something unspeakably terrible and tragic happens in the world, and for once, it wasn't the awful Muslims, queers, or Wisconsin union workers' fault for forcing God to unleash his furious wrath on unsuspecting masses in the form of some natural catastrophe or another, as retribution for their deviant lifestyle of sin.

Unless, of course God was so furious about those ridiculous Peter King "Let's Hate on Muslims" congressional hearings, that he decided to take it out on Japan.

Which, considering we're pretty sure they don't even have Muslims in Japan, means a certain all-powerful, all-knowing being may either be slightly less stable than we thought, could use some serious anger management classes, or at the very least, needs to stop spending so much time with Charlie Sheen.

Because for some people, science-y explanations like "plate tectonics" and "random chance" just isn't good enough!

Fortunately, unlike the US of A, Japan is a relatively advanced first-world country whose legislative parliament isn't constantly pressured by obese white people dressed like human bags of Earl Grey and riding on motor scooters, to cut essential funding designed to make earthquakes, tsunamis, the return of Godzilla, and other sorts of unforeseen emergencies less devastating.

Meaning this probably would all be a lot worse anywhere else in the world! In fact, if it wasn't for Japan's strict building codes and practice earthquake and tsunami drills, the death toll likely would have been much higher in the hundreds of thousands, even, instead of the 1,000+ casualties currently estimated.

Ummm, hooray?

So while the tsunami waves from Japan's monster quake begin to hit Hawaii and travel toward our West Coast, the terrible no-good Socialist NObama government has been closely monitoring the situation at the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center, issuing advisories and ordering evacuations as necessary.

Of course, the United State is able to monitor these things and quickly spring into action to help save lives because of a magical elixir called taxpayer money (gasp!).

But, if Republicans in Congress had their way with proposed budget cuts (that just failed in the Senate), tsunami, earthquake, and other disaster monitoring and preventive operations would have been slashed, gutted, and tossed into the trash can (hopefully with the poors?), because like who the hell needs that stuff anyway, amiright?

Good thing God got this mega disaster in when He did!
Back in February 2009, Republicans found a lot of risible spending in the stimulus bill. In his response to the State of the Union, Gov. Bobby Jindal, R-La., derided the stimulus for including "$140 million for something called volcano monitoring." The gripe was mostly that the funding, mostly for U.S. Geological Survey upkeep, wasn't stimulative.
Saving lives? Meh. Only if it stimulates Republicans' wallets, my friend!
The continuing resolution passed by the GOP House, the one that just failed in the Senate, reduces funding for the federal agencies that monitor and react to disasters.

According to the House Appropriation Committee's summary of the bill, the CR funds Operations, Research and Facilities for the National Oceanic Atmospheric Association with $454.3 million less than it got in FY2010; this represents a $450.3 million cut from what the president's never-passed FY2011 budget was requesting. The National Weather Service, of course, is part of NOAA -- its funding drops by $126 million. The CR also reduces funding for FEMA management by $24.3 million off of the FY2010 budget, and reduces that appropriation by $783.3 million for FEMA state and local programs.

Democrats did attempt to add more money to NOAA's budget. Rep. Dan Lipinski, D-Ill., offered an amendment to the CR that would have directed "no less than $710,641,000 to the National Weather Service Local Warnings and Forecasts." The amendment was one of several Democratic spending proposals that was found to be out of order, and not voted on.

Tide goes in, tide goes out. Sun comes up, sun goes down. How'd the moon get there? How'd did the sun get there? Who put it there? Bill O'Reilly can't explain it! (Maybe because there's no funding?)

Of course, not everyone is blessed with as gifted a scientific mind as ol' Papa Bear, like the damn union thugs over at the National Environmental Satellite, Data, and Information Service employees union, who decided to make a big toodoo over the proposed budget cuts.

Greedy bastards!
Nationally, reduced funding will mean upper air observations now made twice a day might be reduced to every other day, buoy and surface weather observations that provide data for warning systems could be temporarily or permanently discontinued and there could be delays in replacing satellites, according to the release.
Tide goes in, tide goes out. Earthquake rumbles up, buildings crumble down. Tsunamis roll in, everything not tied down rolls out. Nature goes boom, hundreds of thousands of people go bye-bye.

So it goes.

Besides, why would we ever need that silly scientific stuff? Nature doesn't kill Americans, Americans kill nature!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Peter King Hates Terrorism, Except When It Involves Irish People Who Love Jesus, Hate Britain, & Don't Mind Bombing Pubs Crowded With Civilians

It is no secret that Rep. Peter King of Xenophobia is no fan of that other royally-named King of Pop Michael Jackson and his perverted white gloved gyrations all over the place, thrusting his crotch every which way, titillating innocent women and children like some sicko sexual terrorist with even sicker dance moves.

But even more terrifying than Michael Jackson moonwalking over America's once-pure Christian morality, is that other creeping M-named menace to humanity: the terrible, no good Muslims!

And no one knows about The Growing Threat of Radicalized Muslims better than Long Island's own homegrown Irish Republican Army terrorist, Rep. Peter King, who as Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, has decided to hold his own very special meetings singling out Muslim Americans for loving terrorism so much, just so he can spend endless hours telling them their religion is pure, uncivilized murder.

After all, everyone knows only Muslims kill civilians, right?

But the strange thing about King is that he used to looooooove terrorists. Not like the evil, Allah-loving, Jihad-y kind of terrorists, of course, but the good, Jesus-loving White-y kind of terrorists, like the Irish Republican Army, whose sexy slaying of civilians made him all hottttt 'n horny in the '80s.
Long before he became an outspoken voice in Congress about the threat from terrorism, he was a fervent supporter of a terrorist group, the Irish Republican Army.

"We must pledge ourselves to support those brave men and women who this very moment are carrying forth the struggle against British imperialism in the streets of Belfast and Derry," Mr. King told a pro-I.R.A. rally on Long Island, where he was serving as Nassau County comptroller, in 1982. Three years later he declared, "If civilians are killed in an attack on a military installation, it is certainly regrettable, but I will not morally blame the I.R.A. for it."

As Mr. King, a Republican, rose as a Long Island politician in the 1980s, benefiting from strong Irish-American support, the I.R.A. was carrying out a bloody campaign of bombing and sniping, targeting the British Army, Protestant paramilitaries and sometimes pubs and other civilian gathering spots. His statements, along with his close ties to key figures in the military and political wings of the I.R.A., drew the attention of British and American authorities.

The Secret Service investigated him as a "security risk" in 1984. That same year, as the Times writes, "A judge in Belfast threw him out of an I.R.A. murder trial, calling him an 'obvious collaborator.'"
Oh, what? That little thing? Like that's a big deal! Remember people, terrorism is like cholesterol. There's the good kind, European Christian Terrorism (ECT) and the bad kind, Arab Muslim Terrorism (AMT). And Peter King likes the good kind! So why don't you sue him? Besides, a little ECT is good for the heart and comes doctor recommended!

Who knows? Maybe Pete King will end up liking the so-called crazed radicals, Jihadists, and families of Muslim American 9/11 victims he marches into the committee room to testify at his AHH, SCARY MUSLIMS! hearings. Maybe he'll realize his virulent Islamaphobia is at best shamefully hypocritical, at worst dangerously naive, and that perhaps the nation would be better served not wasting taxpayer dollars holding hearings to investigate the radical Muslim bogeymen existing solely in Peter King's mind.

"What's radicalizing Muslim-Americans?"

Oooh, oooh, we can help you out with that one, Congressman King!

Drum roll, please!

Nothing is radicalizing Muslim-Americans, because Muslim-Americans aren't radicalized. Case closed. Problem solved!

So, what's radicalizing our Republicans?

Drunken Irish men armed with assault weapons? Repressed sexual desires? Unconscionable taxes on the richest 2%? A black man in the White House? Humanity's natural evolution towards progress, enlightenment, and a world where the King's Speech is an inspiring, uplifting Academy Award-winning tale about overcoming adversity, not some old white guy bashing Muslims to somehow prove he's the toughest and loves America the mostest.

Tsk, tsk. When is poor Pete gonna learn? It's survival of the fittest, not survival of the Sinn Féinest!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

In Megyn Kelly's World, Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, They Make A Fox News Segment!

Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly has a question: "A man beats a 100 pound woman into a coma over a parking space. He claims she deserves it. Could he be right? In Kelly's Court!"

I don't know, could he be right? Wait, did you say it was over a parking space? So, umm, in that case, no probably not. Why are you even asking that, Megyn? What the hell is wrong with you anyway, ya freak bitch!?

Oh, and in normal people's court, Megyn, it is customary to at least get your facts straight when Tweeting idiocy about angry men punching petite ladies into comas over parking spots. Because, here's the thing, Oscar Fuller never claimed Lana Rosas deserved to be beaten into a coma. His excuse was "she hit first" and he hit back "out of reflex."

Oh well! Guess that's why it's called Kelly's Court!

So the moral of the story is never trust anyone with two first names.Especially when one of them is misspelled.

And just remember ladies, try not to do anything that might get you punched unconscious!

Oh yeah and Happy Women's Day!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

OMG, Glenn Beck's Deteriorating Ratings (& Mind!) May Get Him Dropped From Fox In A Massive Conspiracy To Stop It From Being The Golden-Voiced Homeless Man Of News Networks

There goes the price of gold gold-plated coins!

The arugula-eating liberal elitists over at the New York Times have peered into their (Swarovski) crystal ball to see what the future holds for America's #1 favoritest golden haired weeping prophet of doom, Glenn Beck, and his one-man amateur puppet show/truth crusade at Fox News.

And much like the fate of humanity, it doesn't look good.

His audience has dropped by a third since his glorious "I Have A Dream" MLK Teabagger rally for white people this summer, most advertisers (not in the faux gold collectible business) won't touch Glenn's increasingly insane George Soros/Planned Parenthood's/Islamic Jihad global conspiracy chalkboard drawing presentations with a ten foot pole, and his ratings among younger viewers are falling precipitously because apparently, only those who drink Ensure and wear Depends are comforted by a raging paranoid schizophrenic madman with delusions of grandeur shrieking at them about the impending death and destruction, thanks to Muslims, abortionists, Socialist presidents from Kenya, and of course, the Jews.

Could this really be the end of the blessed Jesus-approved union between one manic depressive madman and one womanizing faux news network of washed up former Hooters waitresses and shameless rightwing propaganda?

New York Times reporter David Carr explains:
Mr. Beck, a conservative Jeremiah and talk-radio phenomenon, burst into television prominence in 2009 by taking the forsaken 5 p.m. slot on Fox News and turning it into a juggernaut...He achieved unheard-of ratings, swamped the competition and at times seemed to threaten the dominion of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity at Fox.
But a funny thing happened on the way from the revolution. Since last August, when he summoned more than 100,000 followers to the Washington mall for the “Restoring Honor” rally, Mr. Beck has lost over a third of his audience on Fox — a greater percentage drop than other hosts at Fox. True, he fell from the great heights of the health care debate in January 2010, but there has been worrisome erosion — more than one million viewers — especially in the younger demographic.
He still has numbers that just about any cable news host would envy and, with about two million viewers a night, outdraws all his competition combined. But the erosion is significant enough that Fox News officials are willing to say — anonymously, of course; they don’t want to be identified as criticizing the talent — that they are looking at the end of his contract in December and contemplating life without Mr. Beck.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait just a second! His audience has fallen by a third since his magical Teabagger rally this summer??

So I guess a miracle really did occur that day! A large percentage of Glenny's audience has fallen and can't get up!

But the big question remains, why was no one wearing their life alerts why force this blue-eyed, baby-faced, intellectual savior and messenger of truth off television, now?
The problem with “Glenn Beck” is that it has turned into a serial doomsday machine that’s a bummer to watch. 
What had been a fast and loose assault on all things liberal has grown darker and less entertaining, especially with the growing revolution in the Middle East, a phenomenon Mr. Beck sees as something of a beginning to some kind of end. He’s often alone in the studio with his chalkboards and obscure factoids, a setting that reminds me of an undergrad seminar on macroeconomics with an around-the-bend professor I didn’t particularly enjoy. 
Or a 2001 Academy Award winner starring Russell Crowe?
As he grabbed all the disparate strands from around the globe and tied them into a great, grand bow of doom, he ambled alone between various blackboards, each jammed with portentous bullet points. He often looked away from the camera into a middle distance as he spoke of a calamity that only he can see.
“He used to be a lot funnier,” said David Von Drehle, who wrote the article in Time magazine. “He was the befuddled everyman and something entirely new, but the longer people have listened to his ranting and raving, the wearier they become. Now you are just getting down to diehards. I mean, how many people were in the Waco compound at the end? A couple of hundred?” 
Oh what, you think every mentally ill schmuck with basic cable gets to join the Rapture??
Joel Cheatwood, a senior vice president of development for Fox News and the executive in charge of the show, thinks it’s silly to suggest that the American viewing public’s romance with Mr. Beck is on the wane — he’s trouncing his competition — but says that keeping the show upbeat is something he discusses with Mr. Beck.
“We have talked about that, at his instigation,” Mr. Cheatwood said. “It is really important that no matter how dire he thinks things are or what horrible direction things may be going from his perspective that the show maintains a sense of hope.”
“What you see on television with Glenn is the real guy,” he added, “and that is a double-edged sword. If he is upset about something, you see it.”
With all that Vick's VapoRub he poured into his peepers, you God damn better!

Poor Beckerheads. Where will they get their daily dose of the absurd, incoherent ramblings of a syphilitic mind now?

Sarah Palin's Twitter? Charlie Sheen's Tiger Korner?

But still, Beck remained thankful.
“Two years ago, I was on a cable channel that no one was watching at the time, doing a show that no one was watching, and I was about to leave television. And then I had the opportunity to come and work here,” he said. “If you’re going to do news or commentary, the only place, I think in the world, the only place that really makes an impact is Fox.”
In the same way that a massive asteroid slamming into Planet Earth made "an impact" on the dinosaurs.

Holy Twit! Twitter Refuses To Verify Scott Walker's Account; But Was Able To Verify His Asshole Status

Famous people like Charlie "Tiger Blood" Sheen, Rahm "9½ Fingers" Emanuel, and Sarah "Lou" Palin have "verified" Twitter accounts, meaning their ghostwritten 140-character thoughts, ruminations, and random profanity-laced outbursts are honored with a little green check mark next to their name, proving that they are indeed the awesome celebrities they claim to be (or, at least, the publicity people or personal assistants actually responsible for Twatting the nonsense), and not just some middle-aged shmuck in his parent's basement banging away at the keyboard instead of an actual woman.

Then, there's union-gobbling Wisconsin Kochsucker Scott Walker, who, along with his dedicated staff, took a break from waging an unseemly Republican-fueled war on teachers, police officers, firefighters, and every other miserable middle-class sadsack without a trust fund in his or her name, to kindly request that Scott Walker’s stupid Twitter account be verified as the official celebrity account of Wisconsin's wretched new baseball bat-wielding, blue collar busting governor (of rich people), Scott Walker.

Turns out, much like the rest of the Badger State, the people over at Twitter apparently can't stand the bastard either, and basically told Walker to f-off without even needing all 140 characters to do it!
"We've tried to get the Governor's account verified through Twitter," said a spokesperson for Walker's office yesterday afternoon. The office sent a request to Twitter via fax on official letterhead last week to prove legitimacy of the @GovWalker account, the spokesperson told ClickZ News.
"With all the attention surrounding the Governor…it was kind of important for us to get his account verified. There are a lot of impersonations."
Yet, despite Walker's emergence on the national political stage in the midst of his fight with Wisconsin Senate Democrats and public unions, Twitter turned down the Governor's request.
"They sent us back a canned response" via fax stating the company is not currently verifying "for members of the public," said the spokesperson.
Excuuuuuse me?? Not verifying for members of the public?? How rude!! Sir Scott Walker isn't just some scumsucking, 9-5 schlubby "member of the public" who devotes his miserable life to trivial, unimportant things like teaching our public school children to read, write, and not get embarrassingly duped into saying dumb, terrible things by liberal bloggers posing as one half of the über rich, über evil rightwing duo affectionately known as the Koch Daddies Koch Brothers.

As if!

He just so happens to be the driving force behind Wisconsin's insane, one-man, full frontal assault on any semblance of fair pay or a decent life for the poor sops who make a living teaching your bratty kids how to make proper change for a dollar, not make a killing dumping toxic waste into our precious rivers and lakes.

He's Scott Walker, God damn it!

But c'mon, you understand don't you, Scott? Verify one random jerk and before you know it, you have to verify every random jerk with a Koch/Coke problem, be it the old-fashioned Charlie Sheen kind, or the equally intoxicating, just as pricey, pure, white Republican overlord kind.

But, don't worry, Scott, verified account or not, one thing's for sure: you're still a giant Twat!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Supreme Court Rules Wacko Westboro Church's Picketing Soldiers' Funerals Is Free Speech; Sadly Same Goes For Sarah Palin's 140-Character Ghostwritten Tributes To Herself

When not granting sleazy mega corporations the same rights, privileges, and fabulous new ability to donate as much cold, hard cash to political campaigns as your average Snuggie-wearing schlub on the sofa stuffing Pringles in his mouth, the Supreme Court is busy doing other vital things, like coming thisclose to unanimously ruling in favor of the right of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church to shriek outside gay soldiers' funerals with signs that say "God Hates Fags" and "AIDS Cures Fags" because of like freedom of speech or whatever.

It would have been unanimous, if not for the lone dissent of fearless, temper tantrum-throwing Justice Samuel Alito, who never misses a chance to disrupt a State of the Union address by NObama, or give the government more power over individual liberties, including the freedom to spew vile, racist shit at grieving loved ones of slain soldiers or innocent Muslim families and their children en route to charity events.

In his dissent, Justice Alito likened the Westboro Baptist Church protest to 'fighting words,' which are not protected by the First Amendment. “Our profound national commitment to free and open debate is not a license for the vicious verbal assault that occurred in this case.”

“In order to have a society in which public issues can be openly and vigorously debated,” he wrote, “it is not necessary to allow the brutalization of innocent victims.”

Au contraire, Sammy, ya sensitive shmuck! That's why you don't get to carry the big gavel, like Dr. Roberts over here. How you like them fightin' words?

Speaking for the majority, Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. said, “Speech is powerful. It can stir people to action, move them to tears of both joy and sorrow, and — as it did here — inflict great pain.”

“Debate on public issues should be robust, uninhibited and wide-open" (just like Bristol Palin!), because “speech on public issues occupies the highest rung of the hierarchy of First Amendment values.” 

"But, we cannot react to that pain by punishing the speaker. The national commitment to free speech requires protection of even hurtful speech on public issues to ensure that we do not stifle public debate.”

OMG, so true! I mean how else would Sarah Palin be able to contribute factually incorrect ghostwritten ruminations on her own terrible, conjured up victimization in 140-delightful characters or less? Because the important thing here is that it is now legal to say “God Hates Fags” and “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” in public, but private citizen, living legend, andconstitutional scholar Sarah Palin is not allowed to say “God” at all.

We the Sarah.

Who is this “we” she’s talking about? Lou Sarah? Another one of her various super secret Twitter accounts? And what is this public square of which she twats? The abandoned old parking lot of the Assembly of God church in downtown Wasilla?

Everyone knows Sarah Palin invokes God whenever and wherever she can round up a bunch of horny unemployed men with greasy hair to wave American flags and shout about taking back our country from no-good Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist Presidents from Kendonesia!

Nobody, I said, nobody, but especially not some fruitcake in a potato sack is gonna take away her God-given right to talk about the God that loves her the most of all.

God doesn’t hate gays. He hates Muslims! And people who don’t like Sarah Palin.

In related breaking news, the Supreme Court unanimously upheld Sarah's "persecution/victim/narcissist complex" in the landmark case Sarah Palin v. Planet Earth.

Friday, March 4, 2011

The State Of The Nation Is...A Bunch Of Angry White People Shrieking At Muslim Kids Going To A Charity Event For Battered Women & Homeless People

Here in America, there are some otherwise seemingly normal people who, upon, hearing the word Muslim, or seeing an actual woman wearing a burqa, suddenly morph into shrieking mindless mobs of ignorant, intolerant bigoted red, white, 'n blue wretches who just can't help but hurl racist, vile things (preferably through a megaphone) at innocent young children and their now-obviously terrified families.


Just last month, a Muslim group (gasp!), the Islamic Circle of North America, sponsored a charity event to raise money for women’s shelters and fight homelessness in Orange County.

And as one would expect with anything even remotely Muslim-y, throngs of protesters, many of the Teabagging variety, stormed the event because they hate battered women, homeless people, feeding the hungry, all Muslims, because two of the event's keynote speakers, Imam Siraj Wahhaj and Amir Abdel Malik Ali, are controversial; one was once listed as a co-conspirator in 1993 World Trade Center bombing (he was never charged), and the other once said he supports Hezbollah.

Of course, things changed once the patriotic, freedom 'n harassing children-loving protesters saw actual Muslim-American families walking into the Yorba Linda Community Center. Then, they just couldn't help themselves and dropped their alleged protest of the two men to spew vile, ethnocentric slurs through megaphones at any and every chocolatey-hued man, woman, and child who passed through, masquerading as actual Americans, not the secret Muslim terrorist Jihadists they really are.

I mean, it's not like they're yelling at little kids or anything, they're yelling at future terrorists!

Unfortunately for the Muslim families and children in attendance, ICNA spokesman Syed Waqas' insistence that the protesters "should know the facts. We have no links to any overseas organization. We absolutely denounce violence and terrorism" fell on deaf ears, because it is kind of hard to hear anything while frenzied mobs of unhinged people are chanting, at the top of their lungs, "Go home, terrorists. We don’t want you here. Go beat your women” and "Muhammad is a child molester," "Muhammad is a pervert."

Oooh, isn't it just great to be an American, folks!?

"This is not about hate. We are not hate mongers," said Karen Lugo, one of the not-at-all-Islamaphobic speakers shrieking about the constitutional right of Americans to take away the rights of Muslims, outside the community center.

One organizer, Steven Amundson of Huntington Beach said, "A week and a half ago I would have been happy to have six people show up. It's not right for terrorism to come to Yorba Linda. I always stress the need to be peaceful and positive."

So everyone please back the f up while so ol' Steven over here can exercise his First Amendment rights to yell racially charged obscenities at frightened first graders and their parents.

It's what Jesus Would Do!

Salon’s Glenn Greenwald comments:
I think what was most striking about that video is that the presence of small children didn’t give these anti-Muslim protesters even momentary pause; they just continued screeching their ugly invective while staring at 4-year-olds walking with their parents.  People like that are so overflowing with hatred and resentments that the place where their humanity — their soul — is supposed to be has been drowned.
In a star-spangled vat of Glenn Beck's tears, presumably.
For all those able to sit through this video in its entirety, and are now left feeling depressed, dumbfounded at the crazy state of the country, and consumed with a sudden urge to crawl under a desk and sob in the fetal position...

Go hug a Muslim. It'll make you feel better.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Julian Assange & John Galliano Don't Have A Jewish Problem, All Their Problems Just Happen To Be Jews!

What is with the Jews these days? The damn yids just cannot stop forcing otherwise renowned, well-respected, wealthy, international middle-aged men (of mystery), notably John Galliano and Julian Assange, to say terrible, bigoted, ignorant things about them in bars, interviews, and other public places vicious anti-Semitic rants are typically discouraged.

Apparently, killing Christ just wasn't enough for the greedy bastards!

First, they shystered Christian Dior creative director and real life Mugatu, John Galliano, into innocently proclaiming "I love Hitler" before reasonably informing the Jewish couple sitting next to him in a Paris bar, "People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be f****** gassed."

Ooh La La! Looks like someone's extra foam, no whip, skim soy chai latte didn't agree with him this morning, huh?

Hopefully, there will be more of an appreciation for weirdly androgynous flaming fashionistas who look like the bizarre love child of Salvador Dali, John Waters, General Franco and Cher after a wild, drug fueled orgy weekend in Ibiza, at his posh new rehab treatment center. Which is all the rage for racist mustachioed wrecks who get smashed and start shrieking about Final Solutions and five-inch stilettos in the wee days before Fashion Week.

Haute Couture? Haha, more like Hate ze Jew!

Which brings us to the other dapper, albeit androgynous, albino lad from across the pond, Wikileaks founder and serial condom breaker, Julian Assange, who has simply had it up to here with all the Jews and Queers conspiring together trying desperately to bring him down. (Or was it to go down?)

In a phone conversation with Ian Hislop, editor of the British satirical and current affairs magazine Private Eye, Julian Assange furiously complains about an anonymous Private Eye story criticizing Wikileaks' association with its Russia representative, a raving anti-Semite and holocaust denier rather confusingly (and ironically!) named Israel Shamir.

Turns out, Assange wanted Hislop to know that he'd barely even met Shamir, and that Private Eye had been taken in (the dumb bastards!) by a cabal of reporters for the Guardian who hate Assange and who happen to all be total Jew faces, complete with devil horns.

So, umm, touché?
[H]e went on to say that we were part of a conspiracy led by the Guardian which included journalist David Leigh, editor Alan Rusbridger and John Kampfner from Index on Censorship—all of whom "are Jewish."
I pointed out that Rusbridger is not actually Jewish, but Assange insisted that he was "sort of Jewish" because he was related to David Leigh (they are brothers-in-law). When I doubted whether his Jewish conspiracy would stand up against the facts, Assange suddenly conceded the point. "Forget the Jewish thing."
Already forgotten, Julian!

Moving on, then.

The other thing about the whole Jewy and sort-of-Jewy people who are out to get him is that they are all total homos, too! Just ask ol' Jul!
"The reporters on the Guardian disappointed me," he continued. "They failed my masculinity test." (Wait, what?) "They behaved like gossiping schoolgirls," he said.
Oh, I get it! The way you pass Julian Assange's masculinity test is by looking like an effeminate silk-scarf wearing weirdo, while secretly Wikileaking your man seed hither and yon, in unsuspecting ladies' hoohas until there's a li'l Julian in every part of the globe, on as many continents as humanly possible.

OMG, quick someone alert the Republicans! Finally, a reason to keep abortion legal the whole world can get behind!

Though, knowing the Jews, they've already trademarked, patented it, and turned a tidy profit off it.

Naturally, Assange disputed the Private Eye report on his WikiLeaks Twitter feed, saying, Mr. Hislop had “distorted, invented or misremembered almost every significant claim and phrase."

"It is serious and upsetting. Rather than correct a smear, Mr. Hislop has tried to justify one smear with another."

“That he has a reputation for this, and is famed to have received more libel suits in the U.K. than any other journalist as a result, does not mean that it is right,” Assange said. “WikiLeaks promotes the ideal of ‘scientific journalism’ — where the underlying evidence of all articles is available to the reader precisely in order to avoid these type of distortions. We treasure our strong Jewish support and staff, just as we treasure the support from pan-Arab democracy activists and others who share our hope for a just world.”

Yes, a just world where you are what your brother-in-law is, which may be a Jew, a gay, a Nazi, a secret Muslim terrorist, or in Julian's case, a total asshole.

And anti-Semitism isn't an archaic, outdated relic of an ignorant and tragic past, but the hottest new hashtag trending on Twitter.

Right after #CharlieSheenCokeWhores, of course!