Friday, February 25, 2011

Money Talks! Fake David Koch Prank Caller Discusses How Best To Crush Unions With Real Gov. Scott Walker. Their Answer: Baseball Bats!

Heartless, union-whacking Monster of the Midwest, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, is up to his neck in angry mobs of no-good, money sucking labor unions protestin' his brave new plan to restore fiscal sanity to Wisconsin by rolling back collective bargaining rights and reducing already meager salaries of police, firefighters, teachers and other freeloadin' public employees wastin' taxpayer money trying to teach li'l Johnny Algebra.

How rude! Amiright?

I mean, the nerve of those greedy union goons thinking billionaires, multimillionaires and high-flying corporate executives should actually pay silly, poor people things like income taxes, while they live large with their $50k a year, basic health insurance, and soon-to-be-revoked ability to collectively negotiate their salaries so they don't get screwed out of house 'n home by their new governor/corporate overlord.

But don't think for one minute this means Mr. Scott Walker, THE Gov. Scott Walker, is too busy dealing with disgruntled First Amendment-flexing citizens peacefully marching across Madison to talk to right-wing industrialist and secret Republican Czar David Koch for 20 minutes on the taxpayer-funded phone in his taxpayer-funded office.

Unfortunately for Walker, the “David Koch” he talked to for 20 minutes was actually just a liberal blogger named Ian Murphy putting on a funny rich-guy voice, and pretending to be an asshole with no morals who hates the middle class.

So is Scott Walker finally going to budge and let the workers of Wisconsin have their rights? No, no, don't be an idiot. He's going to brag about awesome ideas like pinning felonies on senators, or better yet, firing the darn rabble rousers who fled the state, sending "at risk" notices to state workers, and of course, taking a baseball bat to the heads of poor protesters, which is a wonderful way to, in fake David Koch's words, "crush that union."
Walker: Hi; this is Scott Walker.
Koch: Scott! David Koch. How are you?
Walker: Hey, David! I’m good. And yourself?
Koch: I’m very well. I’m a little disheartened by the situation there...Now you’re not talking to any of these Democrat bastards, are you?
Walker: Ah, I—there’s one guy that’s actually voted with me on a bunch of things I called on Saturday for about 45 minutes, mainly to tell him that while I appreciate his friendship and he’s worked with us on other things, to tell him I wasn’t going to budge.
Koch: Goddamn right!
Walker: …his name is Tim Cullen—
Koch: All right, I’ll have to give that man a call.
Walker: Well, actually, in his case I wouldn’t call him and I’ll tell you why: he’s pretty reasonable but he’s not one of us…
Koch: Now who can we get to budge on this collective bargaining?
Walker: …I’ve got layoff notices ready…
Koch: Beautiful; beautiful. Gotta crush that union.
Walker: [bragging about how he doesn't budge]…
Koch: Bring a baseball bat. That’s what I’d do.
Walker: I have one in my office; you’d be happy with that. I have a slugger with my name on it.
Koch: Beautiful.
Walker: [more union-bashing...]
Koch: Beautiful.
Walker: So this is ground zero, there’s no doubt about it.
Koch: Goddamn right! We, uh, we sent, uh, Andrew Breitbart down there.
Koch: Yeah.
Walker: Good stuff.
Koch: He’s our man, you know.
Koch: Now what else could we do for you down there? We’ll back you any way we can. What we were thinking about the crowd was, uh, was planting some troublemakers.
Walker: You know, well, the only problem with that —because we thought about that. The problem—the, my only gut reaction to that is right now the lawmakers I’ve talked to have just completely had it with them, the public is not really fond of this…[explains that planting troublemakers may not work.] My only fear would be if there’s a ruckus caused is that maybe the governor has to settle to solve all these problems…[something about '60s liberals.]…Let ‘em protest all they want…Sooner or later the media stops finding it interesting.
Koch: Well, not the liberal bastards on MSNBC.
Whoa, whoa, with all due respect, Mr. Koch, Scott happens to dig Morning Joe‘s Mika Brzezinski’s one good asset.
Walker: Oh yeah, but who watches that? I went on “Morning Joe” this morning. I like it because I just like being combative with those guys, but, uh. You know they’re off the deep end.
Koch: Joe—Joe’s a good guy. He’s one of us.
Walker: Yeah, he’s all right. He was fair to me…[bashes NY Senator Chuck Schumer, who was also on the program.]
Koch: Beautiful; beautiful. You gotta love that Mika Brzezinski; she’s a real piece of ass.
Walker: Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.

But that's not all! Once Scott Walker's done acting like the Kool-Aid Man's hell version, if his gigantic pitcher were filled with hydrochloric acid instead of refreshing, frosty signature sugary red juice, he's got plenty of fun activities planned far, far, away from the frozen wasteland of shrieking poor people wearing cheddar wheels on their heads.
Koch: [Laughs] Well, I tell you what, Scott: once you crush these bastards I’ll fly you out to Cali and really show you a good time.
Walker: All right, that would be outstanding.
So true! We hear there are some good faux S&M lesbian strippers over there. Ya know, the kind Republican officials like.

That way, they can first hit up the nudie clubs and enjoy a nice strip tease from Cinnamon and Fantasia, before stripping away all their rights, benefits, and privileges, including their precious single dollar bills.

How else is Scott supposed to tip the hardworking unionized men and women carrying his designer Louis Vuitton luggage from the limo to the airport, huh?

With his own hard-earned money?

Sure, when hell freezes over.

Which, come to think of it, sounds exactly like Wisconsin these days!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Rahmin' It Home, Biatches! There's A New, Big (Chicago Style Hot) Dog In Town

Notorious Windy City gangster Rahm "9 fingers" Emanuel easily cruised his way to winning the most freakin' corrupt job in American politics, as the newest, latest, greatest Mayor-For-Life-Not-Named-Daley of the great city of Chicago.

Awww, hells yeah!

After a grueling race, which saw Rahm temporarily booted off the ballot before threatening to put his boot
down the appellate court's throat lest they wise the f up and return his name to its proper place atop the ballot, Obama's former White House chief of staff poking buck naked, rogue Democratic congressmen with his stump finger in the shower took home more than 50 percent of the vote, enough to avoid a runoff and claim his rightful spot as the new (sausage?) King of Chicago.

Haha, suck it Chico! How do you like dem apples?? Just kidding, they don't eat apples in Chicago, unless they're drenched in caramel and rolled in nuts, first. Duh!


If you have a giant fucking pile of money and a bunch of dumb fucks running against you, DREAMS DO COME TRUE.Wed Feb 23 02:14:45 via web

Except if you're a Cubs fan, sucker!

But seriously, Rahm couldn't of said it better if he was Dr. King himself!

Finally the Second City's dream of an adorable, new, 9½ fingered, foulmouthed overlord to permanently call our own has come true!

Too bad the same cannot be said for winters that don't make you wanna jump off the Sears, err, Willis Tower, reasonable sales tax rates, governors who don't finish their terms in jail, and a city that actually knows how to create a budget without going dead broke.

So, ummm, congratulations, Chicago!

Just try not to make him mad. Dude's scary enough when smiling!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Can You Guess The Ingenious Mind Behind The Internet's Best Kept Secret, "Lou Sarah"?

It is no secret Sarah Louise Palin rules the Internets and all things related to it, including ghostwritten 140-character Tweets of indecipherable gibberish no one understands, except Twits, Twats, 'n Tweens, like say, the original runner up vice-presidential loser/half-term governor and her brood of fellow fame grubbing, ridiculously-named grifters.

So it should come as no surprise that for the world's #1 favoritest Patron Saint of Social Networking, a single Facebook page is simply not enough.


No, no, another Facebook page must be secretly created using Sarah Palin's personal Gmail address, so that the fake Sarah Palin can praise the other, real Sarah Palin whenever she says something really awesome and inspiring about Jesus, abstinence, or her favoritest Fox News.

But in order to be really clever so the dumb lamestream media doesn't find out, Sarah had to wrack her whole Wasilla brain to come up with something so smart, so unique, so mindlblowingly brilliant that no one would ever be the wiser.

And then suddenly, viola! Out pops a Facebook page for "Lou Sarah" (psst: her middle name is Louise, get it??) who is friends with a bunch of Wasilla folk and has an unhealthy obsession with Bristol Palin.

Coincidence? I think not.

This mysterious "Lou Sarah" page is really less a Facebook page and more a personal tribute to the real Sarah Palin, who she "likes" a lot, and has nothing but praise and encouragement for. "Lou Sarah" even says "Amen" to Facebook posts by Sarah Sarah, which is like the cyberworld's version of a rousing, stadium-sized standing ovation from a frenzied, adoring crowd o' flag wavin', Socialist motor scooter-ridin' patriots.

But what else does "Lou" do on her super secret, underground Facebook account that is easily accessible to anyone with a computer and enough fingers to type in Palin's Gmail address into Facebook's search box?

Well, for one thing, "Lou" thoroughly enjoys keeping in touch with all 12 of her mostly Wasilla-based friends, including Sarah Palin’s father Chuck Heath, brother Chuck Heath Jr., and some weirdo lady named Claire Barton who is also a proud member of Palin's Wasilla Assembly of God church and whose primary interest is to "Restore Fear of YAHWEH/GOD and YESHUA/CHRIST as Ruler of our Countries."

But seriously, whose isn't, right?

"Lou Sarah" is usually busy using her stealth page to "like" herself, recommend links to her own poorly written, factually incorrect op-ed columns, generously offer a few "Amen" shout-outs on Sarah Palin's public page, and become a fan of who else but Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, Mark Ballas (Bristol Palin’s DWTS dancing partner, f**k buddy & probably-soon-to-be-baby daddy), and the Wasilla-based Edge Fitness, who Lou was kind enough to alert about an upcoming plug on the reality teevee sensation sweeping the globe, Sarah Palin's Alaska, starring Lou Sarah.

But most of all, when not showering praise upon her own perfect self, "Lou" simply loves to encourage others, particularly ones she personally birthed, raised, and groomed to follow in Mama's footsteps, and make moose piles of money makin' bastard babies, humiliating herself dancing (poorly) in a gorilla costume on national teevee.

Dance for Mark Zuckerberg's invasive default privacy settings!
And we love you, "Lou," on behalf of everyone who struggles with proper Facebook etiquette and overcomes the challenges of looking like a total douche, by deciding to like your own comment anyway!

It looks like The Wonder Woman of Wasilla has been way too busy moonlighting as "Lou" to heap praise on her daughter for remembering the Lord after getting booted off Dancing With The Stars and "like" herself, to actually read the liberal newspapers and other elitist publications warning about Facebook privacy settings.

Not that it matters because, either way, none of Palin's multiple personalities are interesting.

But this one sure is fitting: Lou Sar... Lou Sar... Loser!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

OMG! New Leaked Sarah Palin Tell-All Reveals Sarah Palin Is Not Only A Terrible Person, But A Terrible Email Writer Too!

"A leaked manuscript by one of Sarah Palin's closest aides from her time as governor charges that Palin broke state election law in her 2006 gubernatorial campaign and was consumed by petty grievances up until she resigned."

What, what, what!?!? Petty grievances?? Nah, doesn't sound a bit like her. Not our Sarah Palin! No, no, must be a mistake. Must be the other incompetent, dim-witted, half-term governor of another remote, unpopulated frozen Northern wasteland in the middle of nowhere, they're thinking of!

Besides, who's responsible for this blasphemy, anyway? The lamestream media elites? Evil, arugula-eating, liberal journylists? Levi Johnston? The Muslim Brotherhood? Blood-libelin' Jews? Wisconsin Governor of Busting Up Worker's Unions, Scott Walker? I want names here, people!
The 465-page, tell-all manuscript is titled, In Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin: A Memoir of our Tumultuous Years and is written by former Palin confidante Frank Bailey.

Bailey is a former Alaska Airlines supervisor who started off painting Sarah Palin's gubernatorial campaign offices as a volunteer in 2005, joined Palin’s campaign team at the beginning of her successful run for governor in 2006, and left as a top aide in 2009. He writes in the manuscript how he was charmed and inspired by Palin.
Translation: “Alaska Airlines supervisor” = instantly the most qualified person to run the executive branch of Sarah Palin's state government. "Charmed and inspired by Palin" = she gave him a boner, thus he was hoping to have sex with her.

Anyway, so this guy Bailey was once inspired by, loyal to, and probably in love with Palin, based on a quick perusal of the material and most middle aged male superfans who devote their entire professional life to serving Sarah, but now hates her no-good guts, and will do whatever it takes to expose as the arctic hillbilly grifter fraud she really is, while also hopefully making a few moose piles of money along the way, as would make his one-time Mama Grizzly mentor proud.

Bailey says the book was written with the help of more than 60,000 e-mails exchanged while working for Palin, like the one he received right before she abruptly resigned as Alaska's governor in July 2009, less than three years into her four-year term, saying, "I hate this damn job."

Hell, if she didn't like that job, she must be simply thrilled she will never be president. Rumor has it that one's even harder!

But until then, I suppose, we'll just have to make do with the beautiful poetry composed all by her brilliant self on the Internets.
ridiculous... paying for the damn McCain campaign's attorneys to vet me!!! Unflippinbelievable. The campaign was so disingenuous, who in the heck has to pay for themselves to be vetted when they didn't ask for it??? I didn't hire any attorney- they did! They ran up a bill and left me with it- just like they did with the damn clothes issue. Paying out of my family's pocket for the Flippin' privileged of jumping on the pirate ship headed up by Schmidt, Nicole, et al? I am so upside down in all this- paying off a ridiculous debt I owe for the privilege of campaigning with a bunch of rich, connected people who have no burden after the campaign ends- they left the burden (in more ways than one) to us. This aspect of it is unheard of- the campaign folks lied. They have $ left over in different campaign accounts, but we're stuck with their bill and a lot of embarrassment. This is an unbelievable chapter in a book.

Sarah Palin: Tuesday, 21 Apr 2009

(Note: the McCain Campaign later revealed that this was not a vetting expense, but a legal bill associated with defending Sarah Palin against ethics charges in her dismissal of Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan in a scandal that became known as Troopergate).
Ah yes, an unbelievable chapter! One which we cannot wait to get our hands on, once her ghostwriting team is done makin' stuff up, bindin' it together, and slappin' on a cover of her wrapped in an America flag, shooting a moose dead, all while keepin' a winkin' eye on Russia, from the snow-covered safety of her porch in Wasilla.

But what other new, amazing things do we, the American people, have the privilege of learning about St. Sarah, through the first 41-pages of Bailey's book, other than "Unflippinbelievable" is the word her Arctic highness most frequently uses in private communications with her staff?

“Sarah Palin had God’s blessing and people’s love and faith,” he wrote.
Yes, yes, of course! But aside from this whole “Mandate of Heaven” thing. Like how ol' SarBear had a lesser-known dark side, "including the compulsion to attack enemies, deny truth, play victim and employ outright deception."

Shut the front door!

"Minor slights became obsessions, demanding revenge and if possible, destruction of the opponent's reputation. We set our sights and went after opponents in coordinated attacks, utilizing what we called 'Fox News surrogates,' friendly blogs, ghost-written op-eds, media opinion polls (that we often rigged), letters to editors, and carefully edited speeches," Bailey wrote.

Which she then brilliantly re-scribbled on the palm of her hand, just in case!

Bailey also claims to have been a close confidant to Palin’s husband, Todd, and writes that the two worked together to orchestrate "Troopergate," a scandal involving the effort to get Palin's ex-brother-in-law fired from his job as a state trooper.

And then likely fired from his existence as an oxygen breathing, carbon-based being residing in the Kingdom of God, if we know SarBear like we think we do.


In his book, Bailey alleges that Palin violated election law by using money from the Republican Governors Association (RGA) to fund her campaign commercials and appointing a dude to the Alaska Supreme Court pretty much because he totally screwed over her ex-brother-in-law in a custody hearing.

"She had, I suddenly believed, broken the law."

And with that, the nation's heart.

Oooh, I can't for her to one day become president, so she can appoint a man to the Supreme Court of the United States, solely for voting the most times for Bristol Palin's breathtaking, star-making performance doing the jive in a gorilla costume on Dancing With The Stars.

Bailey wrote that Palin turned on the anti-abortion group's Alaska Family Council head, Jim Minnery, and later backed out of an event with him to promote a ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion because she was too busy working on her book.

"When Sarah turned on Jim Minnery and their cause, for the sole purposes of making money and causing him embarrassment, I saw how blind I'd become. Finally, Sarah Louise Palin's petty ways and butchered priorities would set me free," Bailey wrote.

Too bad the same cannot be said about the thousands of butchered animal carcasses or hapless teenagers desperate to be set free from carrying their own unwanted precious li'l miracles of God, drunken regret with Levi Johnston, forced penetration, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, the moral of the story is always protect your (in)boxes, ladies! Lest anything unwanted come popping out, be it baby or badly spelled, grammatically incorrect, unflippinbelievably embarrassing, special needs emails.

You betcha!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Runaway Wisconsin Dems On The Lam In Illinois To Escape Crazy Gov. Scott Walker's Big, Bad, Bust-Up Unions Bill

Screw the Middle East, bro, have you seen the crazy shit that's goin' down in the Middle West?

All 14 of Wisconsin's Democratic Senators have fled the state (9-month long winters and this is what it took?) to prevent union-busting, budget-crazed Republicans from voting stripping public employees of their longstanding collective bargaining rights, and basically transforming Wisconsin's once-powerful, once-strong worker's unions into nothing more than soft, porous, weak ol' Swiss cheese, instead of full, dense, rich flavorful cheddar, that tastes great and looks amazing when worn atop the head at sporting events.

But now that Republican Governor Scott Walker's very kind, very gentle, very reasonable plea for state Democrats to please return to work so they can effectively gut their precious unions to smithereens went ignored, they are also now hiding from Wisconsin state police, who've been called in to "round up" these rogue Democrats, and force them into the congressional chamber.

But in order to corral these wayward Dems and ship 'em back to America's Dairyland, you gotta find 'em first!
In protest of the budget repair bill that will strip public union workers of almost all of their collective bargaining rights, Senate Democrats have walked away from a floor session.
Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald said Dems are refusing to come to the floor to debate and vote on the bill.
Fitzgerald said at some point, if needed, Republicans will use the State Patrol to round up Democrats to bring them to the floor.
But where o where in God's Great Snow-Covered Plains would a busload of fugitive Senators go when evading the long arm of Wisco's new Teabagging Gov. Scott Walker's over-caffeinated, Lipton-loving arm? Why, a generic motel in Illinois, of course!
Wisconsin state Democrats who refused to show up for a vote on Governor Walker’s budget repair bill have been located.
The lawmakers are in Rockford, Illinois at the Best Western Clock Tower Resort and Conference Center.
Ooooh, did you say, "resort?"

Okay, okay, but before Republicans and other human bags o' herb 'n spice see the word resort and spontaneously combust with white-hot rage, let's remember that it's a freaking Best Western! Sure, the place does have an indoor "water park", but nonetheless, the word "resort" may be a tad generous when describing this fine Northern Illinois establishment.

So while Wisconsin Dems enjoyed getting drunk and hitting the lazy river in 65,000 square feet of indoor water park fun and games at CoCo Key Water Resort and Key Quest Arcade, thousands of protesters, from state employees and their unions, to college and high school students, to members of the Green Bay Packers and other sympathetic-to-the-rights-and-dignity-of-workers-type suckers took to the Capitol to stomp their hippie feet and shout meany stuff at the awful governor they just elected. Umm, only about 4 months too late Badgers!
Nearly 800 Madison East High School students walked out of school Tuesday morning to join a demonstration against Gov. Scott Walker's budget repair bill at the Capitol.
As teachers beamed and offered thanks, student organizers in the hallways handed out signs identifying each as a "future worker, future voter," proclaiming this was a "Walk out for Walker out," and calling on the Legislature to "kill this bill."
Hate to rain on your protest parade, cheeseheads, but usually it's best to take care of these things, as in know where your esteemed public officials stand, like if they're really union-hating whackjobs, before electing them to power. Just a suggestion.

But then again, it's their call. If the good people of Wisconsin prefer their lawmakers be forced to live like traveling salesman or fugitive senators, floating around on innertubes in some indoor “lazy river” thing off a highway rest stop in Illinois, then so be it.

In the meantime, Democratic Minority Leader Mark Miller released a statement on behalf of all Democrats urging Gov. Scott Walker and Republicans, who hold a 19-14 majority in the legislature, to listen to opponents of the measure and seek a compromise. Naturally, his statement did not address where Democrats were or when they planned to return.

"We are all willing to come to the table, we've have all been willing from day one," said Madison teacher Rita Miller. "But you can't take A, B, C, D and everything we've worked for in one fell swoop."

Haha, wanna bet?

Because when voters elected wingnut conservative Gov. Scott Walker, along with his 68-page special needs job plan, and GOP majorities in both legislative chambers, they pretty much were begging for a showdown.

And aside from hitting the road, Democrats have been powerless to stop the bill, marking a dramatic shift for Wisconsin, the birthplace of union representation for public employees.

"The story around the world is the rush to democracy," said Democratic Sen. Bob Jauch of Poplar. "The story in Wisconsin is the end of the democratic process."

But on the bright side, at least it is not the end of the cheese processing process!

Though, next time you want to hide from the Wisconsin GOP, and maybe don't feel like taking a mandatory congressional field trip across state lines, a good idea would probably be to just go somewhere Republicans would never, ever, in a million years be caught dead at.

Like say a library or museum.

Friday, February 18, 2011

South Dakota Hopes To Increase Tourism By Legalizing Abortion (Doctor Murder)

While the big, bad gubmint pokes its no-good, grubby paws all over good, decent, hardworking American's constitutional right to get fleeced by insurance companies while battling cancer, freedom 'n Jesus-loving legislators in America's heartland are working overtime to make sure their citizens are protected from the Socialist threat of Uncle Sam, and finding their own common-sense solutions to some of the nation's most pressing problems.

In South Dakota, that of course means figuring out the best way to legalize murder, or at least when it comes to those pesky doctors always trying to abort precious li'l miracles (of drunken regret, incestuous rape, forced penetration, and otherwise) gestating comfortably inside your daughter, mother, wife or other female kin.

And since we all know that everyone in South Dakota is already rather closely related, this basically means that any ol' South Dakotan with a gun in his pocket and bun in his woman's oven can pretty much go around shooting doctors whenever he so much as perceives his unborn child is being threatened, thanks to a new bill by state representative and unsung hero of the unborn, Phil Jensen.

Oh, what, you really thought South Dakota was just gonna sit around Mount Rushmore and let Arizona steal all the sexy psycho spotlight!?
The bill, sponsored by state Rep. Phil Jensen, a committed foe of abortion rights, alters the state’s legal definition of justifiable homicide by adding language stating that a homicide is permissible if committed by a person “while resisting an attempt to harm” that person’s unborn child or the unborn child of that person’s spouse, partner, parent, or child. If the bill passes, it could in theory allow a woman’s father, mother, son, daughter, or husband to kill anyone who tried to provide that woman an abortion—even if she wanted one.
Well I should certainly hope so! I mean, since when do silly women know anything about anything, let alone what is best for their own dumb bodies!?

But, thanks to the wonderful work of state Republicans, not only is South Dakota well on its merry way to making abortion as illegal as is constitutionally allowed following Roe v. Wade, but now all of South Dakota can feel safe and secure knowing that microscopic sacs of cells have more rights than fully grown, fully developed adult humans. Just like Jesus intended.

"The bill in South Dakota is an invitation to murder abortion providers," said Vicki Saporta, the president of the National Abortion Federation. "This is not an abstract bill."

Good thing, considering eight doctors (or baby killers as they're more commonly known in South Dakota) have already been murdered (or as they prefer, divinely aborted) at the hands of crazed anti-abortion nutjobs since 1993, and another 17 have been the victims of murder attempts, with many of the "pro-life" perps pleading the ol' 'justifiable homicide' defense at their trials.

According to the South Dakota Campaign for Healthy Families, "The measure could have major implications if a misguided extremist invokes this 'self-defense' statute to justify the murder of a doctor, nurse or volunteer."

As if any justification is necessary in these parts!

All that needs to be done now is require all fetuses to carry a handgun at all times to really stop the senseless murder of precious li'l embryos of amniotic fluid and cells, while they're still in the womb and actually worth a damn.

Lord knows, it's all downhill after that.

Burst out of that vaginal canal and it's every fetus for itself! The nine-month free ride is over!

They become as worthless and expendable as Women, Gays, Mexicans, and other vulnerable, non pint-sized schlubs who deserve the same rights and protections as anyone else.

Anyone still connected to a placenta, that is.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

President Obama Unveils 2012 Budget, Which Republicans Vow To Fund Using Glenn Beck's Gold -Plated Coins, Pixie Dust, & Rosary Beads

President Barack Obama is positively hellbent on "Winning the Future" and in his crazy, radical, hippie-dippie, elitist, Socialist, Muslim, Terrorist world, that entails doing crazy, radical things like making sure America's kids are educated enough to read, write, and at the very least, spell their offensive, racist protest signs properly, and demanding that U.S. multinational conglomerates occasionally pay a few dollars of tax so Uncle Sam doesn't have to cut programs that help the very poorest and most vulnerable do things like buy food and pay their heating bills so they don't starve or freeze to death this winter.

Well, this does not sit very well with congressional Republicans who are less concerned with pathetic olds and poors, and more concerned with something called the deficit, all $3.7 trillion dollars of it!

Good thing then that President Obama's 2012 budget proposal cuts the federal deficit by $1.1 trillion over the next 10 years, courtesy of a sensible combination of spending cuts and ending lucrative tax breaks for Billionaires who don't need it, so they will invest in remodeling their own deluxe marble his & her bathroom to help the nation get back on budgetary track.

"Cutting spending is important, but we can't sacrifice our future in the process," Obama said. "We have a responsibility to invest in those areas that will have a big impact."

How else will we be able to smart bomb Muslims with pin-point precision and state-of-the-art stealth?

"Education is an essential part so that every American is equipped to compete with any worker, anywhere in the world," Obama said. "Engineering and math, critical thinking, problem solving, these are the kinds of subjects and skills our children need."

Nonsense! Those are wacky, liberal skills only arugula-eating elitists with hoity-toity things like jobs need.

But still, a trillion dollars! Poof! Cut! In only a decade! Which, for Republicans, is the equivalent of amazing, mind-blowingly wild, NSA sex with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition supermodels in a WWF-size ring filled with the sweat & tears of children and luxurious warmth of petroleum oil.

So what does all of this even mean? It means that Eric Cantor does not approve, that's what!

According to The Hill:
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., called Obama’s proposal a missed opportunity to address the nation’s fiscal problems.
“We need a government that finally does what every other American has to do in their households and their businesses, and that’s to live within our means,” Cantor said in a statement. “Instead, President Obama’s budget doubles down on the bad habits of the past four years by calling for more taxes, spending and borrowing of money that we simply do not have.”
Amen, Young Gun Eric! Finally someone understands the way things work in the real world, known as Republican magic happy land.

The wondrous place where kids are taught to read, write, and 'rithmetic not by teachers in the classroom, but by building stealth fighter jets, bunker busters, and massive oil rigs under the supervision of military generals in cramped Chinese factories. Where old, crumbling roads, bridges, and buildings are fixed by praying to Jesus Christ, and bloated budgets are balanced by Ronnie Reagan's Economic Law of stealing from the poor and giving to the rich so they can keep laundering all their profits through the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, for freedom. Where America is once again restored to its former greatness, and able to trickle its Glorious Exceptionalism down on the world below by something even more miraculous than Glenn Beck's magical VapoRub droplets, John Boehners glowing, orange tears, or Eric Cantor's smugly ambitious, albeit suspiciously saline-free, crocodile ones.

Like say the Republicans' inexplicable ability to stave off extinction and serve in Congress instead.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Hooray! Ron Paul Wins CPAC Straw Poll For The Chance To Be President...Of Losing To Obama

Woohoo, wingnut America!

After three days of endless shrieking and shouting about the bountiful beauty of trickle down economics (make it rain, Ronnie Reagan, make it rain!), the unspeakable evils of a woman having rights over her own dumb, slutty body, and, of course, the insufferable Donald Trump going on and on about how much richer and better he is than you, I, or the rest of the dumb schlubs in attendance will ever be, the three-day freak fest of repressed homosexuality and poorly veiled insecurity, popularly known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, is finally over.

But no CPACapalooza for insane people would be complete without first determining which wonderful wingnut had the conservative cajones big enough (and white enough!) to win this year's meaningless CPAC straw poll for the twice-in-a-lifetime chance to run for President of Losing To Obama.

Drum roll please.....

And the winner is...the inimitable Doctor Ron Paul, whose second consecutive straw poll victory now makes him the undisputed champion of crazy conferences and two-term president of make believe.


Let's see how the rest of the candidates stacked up, shall we?

Okay, so as you already know, Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul won his second non-scientific (but likely creationist!) straw poll, capturing 30% of the vote he bused in specifically for this very purpose. Ah, a true statesman and humble man of the people, that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul!

Next came ol' Mittens Romney, who much like last year (and the year before and the year before) came in an impressive second, managing to snag 23 percent of the vote, despite the difficult challenges of being both a Mormon and a Socialist health care loving liberal.

Nobody else even came close, with the rest of the esteemed losers candidates-to-be failing to so much as even crack double digits, including She-Ra Princess of Powder, Sarah Palin, who mustered up a measly 3 percent, despite declining the invite in order to wander aimlessly around Fox News making moose piles of money muttering made-up new words to insult Muslims.

Which was still good enough to beat bass-playing former bacon-double cheeseburger scarfing governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee, Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO no one's ever heard of, Herman Cain, and Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, despite his bestest attempts to appeal to the all-powerful, old, Southern whites-who-hate-black-people crowd. Maybe next year?

"It will tell the country a whole lot about the enthusiasm the young people have for liberty," a victorious Ron Paul said. Or at the very least, what handpicking hundreds, err make that, thousands of supporters from the congressman's Campaign for Liberty group and shipping the whole lot of of 'em off to Washington with "We Love Ron" buttons and #2 pencils can do for the cause.

But not everyone was quite so thrilled with the good doctor's orders to storm the party, and stuff the ballot box with loads o' libertarian love.

Like uber rich (and classy!) golden-haired muppet clown Donald Trump who invited himself to speak at the event and continue his delusions of grandeur that he is actually a viable candidate to do anything other than scream "you're fired!" at terrified underlings, like, say run for President of America.
Mr. Trump got lots of loud applause. But that turned into loud and extended boos after an audience member yelled the name of Ron Paul.
"By the way, Ron Paul cannot get elected, I'm sorry," he responded, prompting the negative response. "I like Ron Paul. I think he's a good guy. But really he has just zero chance of getting elected."
Which, incidentally, is just about the same number as Donnie's IQ.

Talk about coincidences!
"I was elected 11 times and somebody said, ‘Well, how many times has Donald Trump been elected?" Ron Paul said Monday on MSNBC's "Morning Joe." "Does he have really the right to criticize others and say they are unelect[able]?"
Is he rich, white, dumb, and have less than zero chance of unseating Barack Obama?

Nate Gunderson, a 34-year old Utah native who supports Romney, said Paul's tactics could diminish the significance of the annual contest. "If this happens year after year after year, people will stop caring about the straw poll." 

Ha ha, don't be silly Nate! Nobody cared about it in the first place.

“Am I bothered by the fact that Ron Paul stacked the deck? Not at all,” said Tom Medhurst, a 61-year-old Ohio native making his first visit to CPAC. “That’s politics, isn’t it?”

If you say so?

Not that any of this matters anyway, since the real winner won't be determined until the next round, when each candidate competes in the ever-important "Stomp on a Liberal Lady's Head" challenge, supervised by none other than the reigning champ of inappropriate physical violence aimed at defenseless citizens, Rep. Ron Paul's angrier, even more inexplicably rage-filled, similarly initialed, racist son Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky.

Finally, a real family values Republican everyone can get behind!

Or under.

Either one really.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Walk Like An Egyptian...Loudly, Relentlessly, & With An iPhone Twitter App Toward Democracy!

The Egyptian Revolution may not be televised (America don't take too kindly to Al Jazeera in her parts!) but it will most definitely be Facebooked and Tweeted and re-Tweeted ad nauseum.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we're free at last!

Err, kind of.

I mean, Hosni Mubarak did finally step down as Egypt's default president-for-life, but not before first giving ridiculously offensive quitting speeches pretending to leave, a number of times, only to decide, eh, on second thought, he kind of likes this whole all-powerful, ruthless leader thing.

But lo and behold, the arrogant, grumpy old man and only Grandfather Egypt has known for the last thirty years finally decided the largest country in the Arab world has had enough Daddy Warbucks Mubarak (maybe the massive, nonstop rioting protesters tipped him off), and would be better served
maybe letting someone else be absolute ruler for a while.

Maybe even the whole Egyptian Army since they seem to love repressive police states so much!

According to the BBC:
Hosni Mubarak has decided to step down as president of Egypt.
In an announcement on state TV, Vice-President Omar Suleiman said Mr Mubarak had handed power to the military.
It came as thousands massed in Cairo and other Egyptian cities for an 18th day of protest to demand Mr Mubarak’s resignation.
Protesters responded by cheering, waving flags, embracing and sounding car horns. “The people have brought down the regime,” they chanted.
Hooray! The Egyptian Revolution is victorious! Which is really quite an achievement after only a few measly weeks of rag-tag yelling and shrieking in 140 characters or less. All hail the Twitter!

So now that ol' Hosni M is gone, the real question becomes, what happens next?

Will pure democracy just suddenly bloom like the beautiful begonia of freedom George W. Bush so bravely planted in Iraq?

Or will the Great Pyramid Party of 2011, Egyptapalooza's non-stop freedom bash be followed by the long, complicated, seemingly impossible process of constitutional negotiations between the people, Army, the Muslim Brotherhood, moderate/progressive opposition groups, business leaders, foreign powers, and all other concerned interests over the next year or so before anything even approaching free elections and/or a stable and responsive political system emerges?

Umm, yeah, most likely.

But until then, doesn't it make you feel all warm 'n fuzzy to know that something called the "The Supreme Council of the Egyptian Military Forces" now has complete control of the nation?

And all these military leaders have to do now is draft a new system of government that ably represents the demands of 80 million people unfamiliar with the democratic process in one of the most strategically important nations on Earth en route to supervising the constitutional transition of power!

Yeah, like that should be difficult.

Per usual, President Obama said all the right things, praising the peacefulness of the protesters, the restraint of the military, the emergence of a "new generation with boundless aspirations," and a transition that brings "all of Egypt's voices to the table."

And not surprisingly, the United States government has pledged to help where it can, but let's be serious. As long as the oil's pumping and our massive tankers don't run into any problems going through the Suez Canal, ol' Uncle Sam is pretty much cool with anything.

Hell, if Egypt ends up under the permanent rule of a Supreme Repressive Military Authoritarian Islamist Junta of Death, Sharia, and How To Lose A Democracy In Ten Days, but still manages to keep our gas-guzzling luxury SUVs filled with delicious petroleum, then that's good enough.

So be it!

Good thing, America's other, real president of social networking, Sarah Palin, understands that the U.S. of A can't just go around, supportin' freedom and the rule of Democratic law everywhere there's a protest and a pyramid.

“We want to be able to trust those who are screaming for democracy there in Egypt, that it is a true sincere desire for freedoms. And the challenge that we have though, is how do we verify what it is that we are being told?”

Certainly not by listening to the shrieks of lamestream media, or Lord Allah forbid, evil Al Jazeera media elite terrorists!
“So now the information needs to be gathered and understood as to who it will be that fills now the void in the government. Is it going to be the Muslim Brotherhood? We should not stand for that, or with that or by that. Any radical Islamists, no that is not who we should be supporting and standing by. So we need to find out who was behind all of the turmoil and the revolt and the protests so that good decisions can be made in terms of who we will stand by and support.”
So true, SarBear! After all, a secular pragmatist like Sarah Palin knows that God should NEVER have an influence on politics or government or law and order.

And certainly not if that God happens to go by the ridiculous name Allah.

Jesus Christ, no!

I mean, it's not like weirdo Egyptians have feelings or anything. Besides, everyone knows those people couldn't truly want Democracy. Duh! They're Muslim.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Republican Congressman Chris Lee Resigns Over Sex Scandal Not Even Involving Gays, Animals, Or Crackhead Prostitutes

New York's finest, freakiest, Craigslist trolling Republican House Representative, Chris Lee, was actually trying to hook up with a human female on the Internet, which is odd because everyone knows Republicans prefer their secret sexytime trysts be with undercover male cops in airport men's rooms, or at the very least, hot, sexy, underage go-getters padding their resume as pages on the congressional floor.

Now, most of the time, Rep. Christopher Lee is a married 46-year-old Republican selflessly serving the 26th District of New York. But when he scours Craiglist's "Women Seeking Men" section, hunting for some hot hetero tail, he becomes Christopher Lee, "39-year-old, divorced lobbyist" and all-around "fit, fun, classy guy" who thinks sending shirtless camera-phone photos of him flexing his bicep in the mirror like some lame high school kid on Facebook is appealing to anyone above the age of 15, let alone 30-something women professionals.

Word to the wise, Chris-bro, it's basically one step above a Brett Favre cock shot, got it?

But since Christopher Lee has already shamefully resigned in what could be the quickest-scandal-not-involving-underage-teenage boys-S&M lezzie clubs-coke-prostitutes-in-bathroom stalls-in the history of humiliating sex shockers, involving esteemed family values politicians, is there really any point in umm, how shall I say this, pointing out the man's flagrant lies and hypocrisy?

Ha, is John Boehner orange, Sarah Palin an idiot, and John McCain as old as time??

Besides, anyone who votes in favor of a ban on federal funding of abortion and against allowing gays and lesbians to be their fabulous selves as out 'n proud members of the US military is obviously pretty comfortable publicly scrutinizing other people's sex lives, and as such, probably shouldn't send out teenage boy muscle flexing self-shots all over the Internets.

Oh well!
"It has been a tremendous honor to serve the people of Western New York. I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff and my constituents. I deeply and sincerely apologize to them all. I have made profound mistakes and I promise to work as hard as I can to seek their forgiveness."

"The challenges we face in Western New York and across the country are too serious for me to allow this distraction to continue, and so I am announcing that I have resigned my seat in Congress effective immediately."
On the bright side, he really can spend more time with his family now, if they still want him around. Maybe they do. Maybe they are forgiving. Or maybe they just have a soft spot for slimy, "happily-married" legislators who secretly moonlight as single, sexy, bicep-flexing shirtless corporate shills.

If not, he's well on his way to fulfilling his other fantasy which of course is to be a divorced, 39-year-old, lobbyist.

And considering this sexytime scandal, all of that may actually soon come true for him!

Except he'll still be 46. 

Perhaps next mid-life crisis, dude might want to consider just blowing the bank on a hot, sexy, new sports car instead.

Unlike bitches, cars don't talk.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

48 Cringe-Worthy Examples Of What Not To Do When Interviewing The President Of The United States

As you already know (hell, I told you yesterday, for chrissake!), fearless Fox News reporter of truth and resident philosopher of the moon, tides, and all wonders of the vast cosmos, Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly, conducted a much anticipated, super hyped Super Bowl interview with sitting President of the United States, Barack Obama.

Only it was less an "interview" and more 15 minutes of Bill O'Reilly smirking and shrieking wildly, while oh-so-nicely, occasionally letting President Obama maybe get a word or two in every few seconds, before promptly interrupting him, as is proper etiquette for anyone interviewing THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

Manners people!

Good thing the non-Fox News liberal media elites over at Wonkette took it upon themselves to count up all 48, yes FORTY-EIGHT times, Bill O'Reilly annoyingly interrupted the man, and then mash it all together in one delightfully fun video for your viewing pleasure:

Ugh, can you believe the nerve of that God-awful NObama!? Interrupting Bill's interruptions once or twice in a desperate attempt to squeeze a word in, or maybe just ask the man how da moon gotted dere in da sky, as if he were a Very Important Person or something.


Finally, a lesson in how real journalists do interviews. Loudly, brusquely, and with all the class & grace of Kanye West crashing an awards show.

"Yo B-Rock, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but Ronald Reagan is one of the greatest, most unbelievable presidents of all time. One of the greatest presidents of all time!"

Huh, what's that you say? You can't hear me!?


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

President Obama & Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly Discuss The Super Bowl, And Also How You Can Simultaneously Be A Pin Head & A Prick, Yet Still Manage To Stay Inflated

In the single most anticipated television event in the history of mankind (or one man's decaying mind), two longtime, bitter rivals go head-to-head in an epic showdown to settle the score once and for all, while millions of prying eyes tuned in, anxiously waiting to see which side emerges victorious.

No, no, not which particular shade of fluorescent yellow padded spandex pants got to hoist the Lombardi Trophy and claim world bragging rights as the bestest, most-mindblowingly amazingest, awesomest team ever to score more points than their opponent in the history of Super Bowl XLV!

(Hint: The team with the young, rocket-armed quarterback who hasn't allegedly raped at least one woman).

The epic, edge-of-your-seat battle between Fox News' foremost expert on the moon and tides, and inexplicable rage, resident anger bear Papa Bill O'Reilly vs. the 44th President of the United States of Socialism and Dead Grannies, or Smart, Sane people, depending on your perspective, and also whether you dress up as Benjamin Franklin or Paul Revere in your spare time, Barack Obama.

Woohoo! Let the games begin!

It started out amicable enough, with President Obama taking each one of Bill O'Reilly's insultingly asinine questions to waste time before kickoff in casual stride, even going so far as to try to answer them in as simple and clear a way possible, so Bill's regular Fox News audience could understand, without the aid of Glenn Beck's chalkboard flowcharts and marionette puppet shows.

Like why "there's nothing Socialist" about the health care bill, despite Papa Bear Bill and the entire Fox News team's fairly imbalanced rantings that affordable health insurance for all Americans means goodbye granny and the end of the free world as we know it.

And also why, despite a couple of wingnut fringe federal judges rulings that a sensible health care system which doesn't boot dying children from coverage is unconstitutional, his administration is not focused on "refighting the battles of the last two years" nor "prepared to go back to a day when a pre-existing condition could mean not getting medical treatment or help."


So, tough titties to all those red, white, and blue patriots pining for a kinder, gentler time when average, hardworking Americans could still enjoy the God-given freedom to go bankrupt trying to battle bone cancer.

O'Reilly then asked Obama if he had "moved to the center" after getting shellacked in the midterm elections, which is about the dumbest question you could possibly ask a sitting president, especially one whose brain power allows him to do a number of things, like correctly pronounce the word "nuclear," or say, spontaneously come up with a reply that is both grammatically correct, makes sense, and doesn't just string together a bunch of random English words in whatever order they pop into your head.

Saying he was focused on making sure the economy is growing (Boo-ya!!), Obama denied a shift to the imaginary happy land known as the political center, insisting "I'm the same guy."

"My common sense focus right now is how to we out-innovate, out-educate, out-build, out-compete the rest of the world?" he said. "How do we create jobs here in the United States of America? How do we make sure that businesses are thriving? But how do we also -- making sure that ordinary Americans can live out the American dream?" breaks for the rich? Kill the poors? Ban the gays? Drill baby drill? Buy more guns? Bomb more Muslims?

Then, with a gloating gleam in his eye, O'Reilly asked the president, "Does it disturb you that so many people hate you?" Courtesy, of course, of a certain cranky Fox News host's rabid, 'round-the-clock regurgitation of outrageous lies and baseless mistruths meant to mischaracterize the president and mislead the public.

To which Obama coolly responded, "The people who dislike you don't know you. The folks who hate you, they don't know you. What they hate is whatever funhouse mirror image of you that's out there. They don't know you. And so, you don't take it personally."

Oooh, but what about when that funhouse mirror image of you happens to include a Hitler mustache, watermelon patch, and crosshairs placed directly over your now-oddly Planet of the Apes-like image?

Finally the discussion turned to football, which, of course, is why God gave us the ability to shovel seven-layer bean dip into our mouths and Super Bowl Sunday in the first place.

Not surprisingly, Obama refused to pick a side because, "once my Bears lost, I don't pick sides."

Which prompted the ever-lovely and respectful O'Reilly to follow up with a characteristically dickish, "So, you don't care?"

"I do care, I want a great game... But these are pretty evenly matched teams. You know, I think Green Bay is probably a little faster. Steelers got a little more experience. I think the Steelers not having their starting center is something they've got to be worried about."

Oh what, now America's most winningest football should be worried too? Why? Because now they lost their starting center and their country to illegal, radical, half-black, full out Kenyan Muslim Socialist Terrorist Presidents?

But by that time, hardly anyone was watching because it was minutes before kickoff, and thus time to begin the ceremonious stirring of the giant vats of guacamole, while shoving as many spicy chicken wings into open gaping holes as humanly possible, in breathless anticipation of some scantily clad fading star's butchering of the national anthem.

While, the coveted one-on-one facetime with Obama likely fell short of Bill O'Reilly ever-humble prediction as the "most watched interview of all time," it did offer a possible win-win for both President Obama and Fox.

O'Reilly got the once-in-a-lifetime chance to have his massive Super Bowl audience, and possibly career-saving, record-busting ratings, while the President had the opportunity to look like a smart, reasonable, stand-up guy for indulging in prime-time, pre-Super Bowl banter with a jealous, spiteful, highly visible, highly vocal, likely also highly unstable, intellectually outmatched critic, who'd like nothing more than to kick Obama's cool, calm, collected hindskin through the uprights at Cowboy stadium.

Which come to think of it, Bill, is actually how the moon got there!

Still, no explanation for the jumping cow, though.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Second Is The Best! Latest, Greatest Legal Mind Cites Tea Party In Saving America From The Socialist Tyranny Of Affordable Health Care

Rejoice obese, saturated fat-clogged 'mericans ridin' around on socialized Medicare scooters, waving red, white, and blue flags for the freedom to patriotically die and/or go bankrupt trying to pay for li'l Johnny's bone marrow transplants.

Victory is yours! Errr, kind of.

Thanks to the latest, greatest, most likely racist old white judge in the confederacy land Roger Vinson's decision to toss his caffeinated bag into the proverbial scalding hot pot and toss Comrade Barry's socialist death panels out with one fell swoop of his glistening, now gubmint-free gavel.

Just the sort of thing that gives legendary ancient human/turtle hybrid, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the false hope (or is it courage?) that, contrary to conventional wisdom, 47 votes is actually equal to 60, and thus enough to repeal President Obama's no-good health care reform to help poor people and young kids not needlessly die so insurance companies can get even more filthy rich, by a final tally of 51 decent human beings (aka Democrats) to 47 heartless bastards (better known as Republicans).


Naturally, nobody in their right mind expected this blustery bit of faux-outraged Republican-led repeal hysteria to actually pass into law or anything. Ha ha, as if! These are Republicans remember? Their entire existence consists of proposing terrible, dead-end legislation no one wants, with no realistic chance of ever passing, so long as it remains true to their #1 stated objective: doing the exact opposite of what Obama says or wants, regardless of what that is, in the desperate hopes it will wipe the insufferable smirk off his hideously charming, dangerously electable face.

What do you want them to do? Spend precious time and effort creating actual jobs for the American people? Hahaha, those lazy bums? Eww, gross. Heaven forbid!

Tell 'em to try lifting themselves up by their own damn bootstraps for a change instead of waiting for someone who maybe gives a shit about them (psst: certainly not a Republican!) to do something about it. Or they could always just pray to Jesus and Jesus' li'l bro Ronny Reagan to please maybe start trickling down some good fortune upon them from high above.

Sure, nothing compares to the first exhilarating time some wingnut federal judge in Virginia declared health care reform unconstitutional, but it's still enough to make you feel all tingly and warm inside, right?

Not to mention, while that wimpy Virginia judge only stuck down part of President Obama's signature health care legislation, the newest, bright shining legal mind to emerge from the murky blend of caffeinated herbs and ignorance, Judge Roger Vinson of Federal District Court in Pensacola, Florida, went the Full Monty, declaring the entire bill unconstitutional and thus void in these United States of No Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act-merica.
“Because the individual mandate is unconstitutional and not severable, the entire Act must be declared void.”
Yay! This judge wins at denying people access to health care until the new greatest legal mind ever to grace Fox News is born on this dear planet.
At a time when there is virtually unanimous agreement that health care reform is needed in this country, it is hard to invalidate and strike down a statute titled “The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.”
But, alas, in the end, he had to. And now he's famous, biatches!

Let freedom ring, even if it does sound suspiciously like a suffering child's untreated whooping cough.

Nothing a good old-fashioned pipin' hot mug o' tea couldn't solve!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

House Republicans' New Bill Offers Variety Of Helpful Hints On Proper (Federally Funded!) Ways To Be Raped

Ah, Republicans. The kind of wonderful, caring, Constitution-loving individuals who know that when life hands you lemons, say, by getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your drunkard father, Jesus wants you to make lemon meringue pie in the form of Sharron Angle's special, secret homemade recipe for coping with unspeakable tragedy (psst: it's called insanity!).

But if you can't handle the heat, get your ass out of the kitchen, as some enlightened Republicans and assorted other spicy fruit flavors of far right teabaggers are so very fond of saying! Legislatively speaking, of course!

Which is simply amazing! Err, unless, you happen to be one of the hapless harlots dumb enough to get raped, incested, or otherwise unwittingly left with a bun in the oven, and would like to maybe get some federal assistance to help pay for the abortion costs.

Haha, sorry sweet tits!

Thanks to House Republicans' latest legislative push through the congressional chambers to help regulate what women across America ought to be permitted to push through their own feminine chambers, Uncle Sam's coiffers will (God-willing!) be slammed shut in the very near future.

It is called the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act," and it is a top priority in John Boehner's newer, brighter, glowing orange House, because it protects your precious federal money from funding wayward sluts who have subjected themselves to rape, lest they be one of the lucky li'l ladies who've been "forcibly raped," which naturally doesn't include a woman who was drugged or date raped.

Those bitches were soooooo asking for it!

So remember to heed the wise words of the Republican Party. Next time you are raped, just make sure that you have full mental capacities, have not been drugged (look alive, woman!), and please, please make sure the guy is doing it really hard, preferably like a deranged jackhammer hard! Because everyone, or at least House Republicans, know that rape is only really rape if it involves force. And plenty of it!
Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. “There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included,” Laurie Levenson says.
As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.
Oh yeah, and statutory rape. Like say, if a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion, thanks to the diligent efforts of 173 mostly Republican men, fortunate enough to not have the reproductive organs necessary for forced penetration & impregnation, like silly women who are weak and stupid.


"This bill takes us back to a time when just saying 'no' wasn't enough to qualify as rape," says Steph Sterling, a lawyer and senior adviser to the National Women's Law Center.

Ah yes, the good old days!

But some like Donna Crane, the policy director of NARAL Pro-Choice America, say that making the "already narrow exceptions for public funding of abortion care for rape and incest survivors even more restrictive is unbelievably cruel and heartless."

Oooh, Jesus would be so proud!

"This bill goes far beyond current law," says Democratic Rep. Diana DeGette of Colorado, a co-chair of the congressional pro-choice caucus. "The re-definition of the rape exception is only one element of an extreme bill that pro-abortion rights groups believe would lead to the end of private health insurance coverage for abortion."

Take that Socialist baby killers!

Of course, if you have any additional suggestions of types of rape that House Republicans can cruelly and wantonly carve out of medical/legal protection next, or are just curious when they are finally going to pass a law granting the rapist full naming and paternal rights over the baby the victim is forced to have, please do not hesitate to let the Republican Study Committee know. They can't wait to hear from you!

***Disclaimer:*** Women and those under the age of 18 are prohibited from contacting their congressmen without proper supervision by a qualified male, equipped with the adequate testosterone levels and reasoning skills to make informed, intelligent decisions about what a woman should and should not do with her body.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Fox News Knows The First Step In Solving The Crisis In Egypt Is Accurately Knowing Where It Is Located On A Map, Or Just Shoving It In The Spot Formerly Known As Iraq

Did the 60-year military dictatorship in Egypt end while you wasted away your weekend drinking Four Loko in the desperate hopes that enough carbonated toxic liquid would help make either of the not one, but two miserable All-Star snoozefests on the boob tube at least mildly entertaining, if not outright depressing?

Eh, no not yet. Still-President Hosni Mubarak continues to pretend that he is not the reason hundreds of thousands of angry Egyptians are rioting in the streets in violent protest of his 30-year iron-fisted rule over Egypt.

Did Fox News suddenly wake up and realize it was retarded? Unfortunately, not yet either.

Which is why, much like ol' Hosni M, Fox News cannot be held responsible for this particular comically special needs map, or any of the dumb, terrible, unintentional consequences it caused because it was broadcast before the current crisis, just like Mubarak was "elected" (one bullet=one vote) before the Egyptian Army started firing on peaceful pro-democracy gatherings of its citizens, demanding an end to Mubarak's repressive, though-not-completely-horrible-in-the-scheme-of-things rule.

Just think of what would happen if Egypt were actually directly on top of Iraq, like total catacomb style, and also next to Iran. For one thing, the U.S. occupation liberation forces in Iraq would be squished or suffocated, because of Egypt being on top of them and all!

Not to mention, what we thought were the awe-inspiring, ancient Pyramids of Giza turned out to be nothing more than the paper mache visual representations of Saddam Hussein's 100% UN guaranteed, get-rich-quick oil-for-food/not-killing-Iraqis Ponzi scheme.

But Fox News' ingested-too-many-paint-chips-as-a-kid-maps aside, could it be that the six decades of Egyptian military autocracy, led by the 82-year-old Egyptian version of Al Davis, is officially over, dunzo, finito?

Ummm, maybe. After all, Mubarak did name new cabinet members and convince the military to kindly agree not "to shoot-to-kill" peaceful protesters, even if Mubarak refuses to let the Internet Menace oust him from power, in 140-characters or less.

Meanwhile, the Obama White House expressed his administration's desire for restraint and a peaceful, orderly transition to a more responsive, democratic government, while at the same time warning against a takeover by religious militants who want to destroy the world, on their holy quest to bang 72 pristine virgins who've never even heard of the Jersey Shore.

In return, they will stop supporting (financially and otherwise) the decades-long reign of quasi-dictators like Hosni Mubarak simply because oh, I don't know, say, Egypt's fragile, albeit critical peace with Israel, sanctioned by Mubarak himself, helped stave off world-wide catastrophe in the form of World War III or worse, throughout the second half of the last century.
“The American government cannot ask the Egyptian people to believe that a dictator who has been in power for 30 years will be the one to implement democracy,” Mohamed ElBaradei, former head of the UN nuclear watchdog, told CBS’s “Face the Nation.”
“This is really a farce. I mean, people here could be poor, but they’re intelligent.
Ha ha, well, guess what!? Not only are Americans getting poorer, they also happen to be getting progressively dumber and increasingly obese at the same time. It's called having your Snooki and eating it too!

Not to mention, we Americans are diligent multi-taskers who believe that God granted us exclusive rights to rule the world when He lovingly crafted Adam and Eve out of clay and his own omnipotent wherewithal, in the Olive Garden or Garden of Eden or something.

If the American public was told a dictator who'd been ruling with an iron fist for 30 years, and blamed for widespread poverty, inflation, official indifference and brutality, would be tasked with implementing a democracy it's never had, they would believe it.

Hell, they believe Fox News, don't they?

Because they are an advanced, intelligent society whose brain cells are used for important matters like determining how many grams of high-grade cocaine and high-class call girls Charlie Sheen needs to snort and abuse, respectively, before deserving widespread public support and an all expense-paid vacation to a luxury spa/rehab resort in Southern California. Not how to overthrow a corrupt regime and install a democratically elected government that actually respects the universal human rights of all Egyptians instead.

So take that, Egypt, ya lazy bones mother mummy f**kers!

Besides, oil's well that ends well! Or at least that ends with decent oil prices so concerned Americans can drive their gas guzzling SUVs to their own wondrous, culturally indispensable, ancient Egyptian the Luxor Hotel. In Las Vegas.