Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Gambling Gov. Blago Keeps High Stakes Rolan'

America's notorious poster boy for all that's wrong in hair and politics, IL Governor "Hot" Rod Blagojevich crawled out from his resident sewer to embarrass himself and all of democracy once again.

On Tuesday, Blago humored the world by calling a press conference to announce his appointment of former state attorney general Roland Burris to Barack Obama's vacated senate seat, just like the governor is "required" to do so that the lovely residents of Illinois are not deprived of full representation in the U.S. Senate.

Even though Blago knows his only crime is loving Illinois too much, the ever-humble, federally-indicted governor still begged the public not to allow the allegations against him to "taint this good and honest man.”

Oh, and what the heck? He'll even give it to him free of charge!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Gasp! "Virginity-Pledging" Teens Gone Wild

Guess what?

A new study finds that teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely as to become raging sluts as those who do not promise to be pure and abstinent until they are properly wedded in the eyes of God and man.

But that's not all. The same teenagers who took a "virginity pledge" were not only just as likely to engage in sinful premarital sex as those who didn't, but were significantly less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control than their hedonist, non-pledging counterparts.


So what does Janet Rosenbaum, the "rabble-rouser" and public health expert who authored the study have to say for herself?

"Taking a pledge doesn't seem to make any difference at all in any sexual behavior. But it does seem to make a difference in condom use and other forms of birth control that is quite striking."

Striking? Everyone knows abstinence-only sex education programs work perfectly well, condoms are evil rubber tubes of sin, STD's are god's way of punishing promiscuity, and unprotected sex does not lead to unwanted pregnancies.

It's those damn storks gone wild. Why, what did you think happened to Bristol Palin?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Republicans Remind Us Why No One Really Likes Them

“Barack the Magic Negro"

I don't know about you, but I for one can not understand why the Republican party has fallen so out of favor with the American people.

Okay, so maybe racism, fear, and greed didn't play out so well this election year, but since when do Republicans care about what most Americans think anyway?

So why all the big fuss just because the front-runner for the next RNC chairmanship, Chip Saltsman, sent out
a Christmas CD to committee members called "We Hate The USA," featuring such family favorites as “Barack the Magic Negro,” "John Edwards' Poverty Tour," "Ivory and Ebony" and "The Star Spanglish banner?"

Let's ask current Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan, who is also running for the position, what he thinks.
“The 2008 election was a wakeup call for Republicans to reach out and bring more people into our party. I am shocked and appalled that anyone would think this is appropriate as it clearly does not move us in the right direction.”
Well, guess what Mike? I'm shocked and appalled too. Shocked that someone who's chaired the Republican party for the last few years would actually believe they'd do anything else.

RNC Rumble: Duncan Vs. Saltsman

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Curious Case Of James Joseph Cialella

Mental Giant, James Joseph Cialella

Just in case you needed more proof America is the most awesome, kick a** country in the world, a true patriot like James Joseph Cialella comes along to remind you what makes this land of freedom so special.

Its beautiful diversity.

Only in this great nation of ours do we breed the likes of both Bill Gates and James Joseph Cialella. One invented the PC, the other shot a man because he wouldn't stop talking during a Christmas showing of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."

It's not like Cialella didn't try to get this talkative father-son duo to be quiet in a nice, civilized manner. After all, he did swear and throw popcorn at them first.

But sometimes popcorn is not enough. Sometimes a man needs to be shot in the arm so another can watch a three-hour movie he won't understand anyway.

Exactly how our forefathers intended the 2nd amendment to be used.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Bad Santa's Psycho Sleigh Ride To Hell

Ladies and Gentleman, consider this as a warning. If you're going through a bitter divorce and a man who looks like your estranged husband barges into your family's Christmas party dressed in a Santa suit and carrying a gun, get the hell out of there. Fast.

Because if his name is Bruce Jeffrey Pardo, his idea of ushering in the Christmas spirit involves donning a Santa costume and massacring his ex-wife's family, including shooting the 8-year-old girl who answers the door in the face before indiscriminately peppering the remaining 25 partygoers with bullets as they frantically try to escape.

Oh and to really capture the Bruce Pardo Holiday spirit, don't forget to top off your Christmas Eve bloodbath with a gift--like a nicely-wrapped, pressurized homemade device that sprays flammable liquid and easily incinerates houses of former loved ones.

And when it's all said and done, feel free to ditch the Santa suit, drive 25 miles to your brother's house and kill yourself with a single gunshot to the head.

Oh and Merry Christmas.

Bruce Jeffrey Pardo, May You Rot In Hell

Israeli Authorities Blue Ball Alien-Worshipping Mega-Orgy-For-Peace

Sex-crazed Jews hoping to celebrate "International Orgasm Day" by hosting a mega-orgy in Tel Aviv to promote world peace found themselves disappointed--and sexually frustrated after organizers were forced to cancel the event due to mounting public pressure.

Apparently, a few holier-than-thou Israelis have some sort of problem with massive, public sex fests where hundreds of naked weirdos attempt to promote world peace by having multiple orgasms through either masturbation or sex. Lame!

But don't worry. The big-hearted Samaritans behind the orgy are no strangers to uptight "authority" types raining on their sex-for-peace parades. After all, the organizers are all part of the Raelian movement, a UFO religion whose followers believe humankind was created by aliens.

And whenever aliens are an integral part of your religious beliefs, you kind of get used to narrow-minded people criticizing you for being more enlightened.

Just ask Tom Cruise.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Yes, We Cannabis?

Tree-hugging pothead Barry Obama's quest to turn America into one big hippie commune has revealed itself once again.

News that president-elect Barack Obama would be willing to consider some reforms to the U.S.-led war on drugs has many in the stoner community buzzing from something other than the wacko tobacco.

After all, we're pretty sure the president-elect wasn't high when he said in 2004 that the war on drugs had been "an utter failure" and that America should decriminalize pot.

Then in a July interview with Rolling Stone(r), drug fiend Barack Obama had the nerve to suggest "shifting the paradigm" from the current war on drugs to a more sensible public-health approach:
"I would start with nonviolent, first-time drug offenders. The notion that we are imposing felonies on them or sending them to prison, where they are getting advanced degrees in criminality, instead of thinking about ways like drug courts that can get them back on track in their lives -- it's expensive, it's counterproductive, and it doesn't make sense."
Earth to Barry! Since when are expensive, counterproductive and ineffective good enough reasons for considering alternative policies?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dangerous? Not This Dick

Still Vice-President Dick Cheney continued to convince the public he is in fact the Antichrist, and most likely, not even human.

In an interview with Fox News (who else?), Dick Cheney was his usual happy-go-lucky self, defending his destructive war on terror, aggressive consolidation of executive power, and
unprecedented gutting of the constitution with hearty laughs and a contagious smile.

In between
breathing fire and praising other beloved Bush administration officials like Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Dick found time to hit back at vice-president elect Joe "No Bull" Biden for calling him, "The most dangerous vice president we've had probably in American history."
"He also said that all the powers and responsibilities of the executive branch are laid out in Article I of the Constitution. Well, they're not. Article I of the Constitution is the one on the legislative branch...So I think I'd write that off as campaign rhetoric. I don't take it seriously."

Aww, snap!

What Mr. Cheney does take seriously however is the security of this freedom-loving nation. Including the ability of the U.S. President to launch a devastating attack in case of emergency.

"He doesn't have to check with anybody. He doesn't have to call the Congress. He doesn't have to check with the courts. He has that authority because of the nature of the world we live in."
Or at least the world people live in. Dick, on the other hand, lives in an underground lair where crops are fertilized using the remains of pesky Democrats, anti-war hippies, and other liberal undesirables.

But then again vice-president elect Joe Biden has a history of saying "dangerous" things.

A Face Only A Mother Could Love

Monday, December 22, 2008

Obama Gives Public Early Christmas Gift

Bringing Sexy Back!

While most of America freezes to death, freewheelin' sex symbol Barry Obama vacationed in Hawaii, soaking up the sun and showing off his rock-hard abs.

Instead of using boring words to answer questions over his controversial choice to have
evangelical minister and Prop 8-supporting Pastor Rick Warren deliver the invocation at his inauguration, Barack Obama thought it best to allay gay leaders' fears by showing a little solidarity instead.

And what better way than strolling half-naked on a beach, all hot and sweaty, with the sun beating down to cast a perfect silhouette against your chiseled chest and tight, rippling muscles?

More Than Just Eye Candy

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Madoff Does His Best To Perpetuate Resentment Against Successful Jews

Bernie Madoff: Giving Jews Everywhere A Bad Name

Professional swindler Bernard Madoff, who is accused of masterminding a $50 billion investment fraud scheme, was placed under court-ordered round-the-clock house arrest in his lavish $7 million New York City apartment after prosecutors decided ruining hundreds of people's lives deserved more than a slight slap on his velvet ensconced wrist.

Take that Bernie. Your wild nights roaming the streets of NYC, looking for innocent people to bilk out of their life's savings are officially over.

The new, tightened bail conditions against Madoff does away with the 7 p.m. curfew and instead bars the 70-year-old fraudster from leaving his posh Upper East Side apartment except for court appearances, and the other annoying things you need to do when you send billions of other people's dollars to money heaven.

The charges against Madoff, who happens to be Jewish, has of course sparked the obligatory backlash against Jews, who obviously are all to blame for anything involving reckless money schemes.

According to the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), the new outpouring of anti-Semitism on the Internet ranges from "deeply offensive stereotypical statements about Jews and money -- with some suggesting that only Jews could perpetrate a fraud on such a scale -- to conspiracy theories about Jews stealing money to benefit Israel."

Duh. Everyone knows that when it comes to defrauding investors of billions, Jews never act alone. The entire Jewish community conspires together to steal innocent people's money and ruin the country.

Just like when the stingrays conspired to kill Crocodile hunter Steve Irwin in an elaborate plot to rid the world of nature-loving men with blond locks and a penchant for the word, "Crikey!"

At least the murderous stingrays got what they deserved. The Jews, on the other hand, get off, scott-free.

But, don't worry. I think it was mostly "Jewish" money.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Uncompromised Soul Of George W. Bush

President Bush may know he is unpopular. Hated even. But he's feeling pretty good anyway. Is he suffering from the same delusion that has felled so many a politician before him?

Nah. Not this guy. In an interview with Fox News, still-president George W. Bush explains why he is not bothered by the fact that no one likes him.

"What do you expect? We've got a major economic problem and I'm the president during the major economic problem. I mean, do people approve of the economy? No. I don't approve of the economy. I've been a wartime president. I've dealt with two economic recessions now. I've had, hell, a lot of serious challenges. What matters to me is I didn't compromise my soul to be a popular guy."

Duh. How can you compromise something you never had?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Joe's Woes: The Life Of America's Least Popular Senator

It Ain't Easy Being Joe!

It is official! Dopey Joe Lieberman is no longer just the token pariah of the U.S. Senate, he is now also the honorable recipient of the people's choice award for douchiest senator. Ever.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, it's true! The charmingly cranky senator from Connecticut now boasts the
highest disapproval rating" in any Quinnipiac University poll in any state for a sitting U.S. senator — except for New Jersey’s Robert Torricelli, just before he resigned in 2002.

In fact, well over half those surveyed say they would prefer almost anyone to old Joe, including that crazy mop-top dude with the weird name from Illinois who tried to sell that "f**kin' golden thing" known as Obama's senate seat. Because at least he's honest when he screws you over.

So congratulations to you Senator Lieberman for a job well done. You don't even need to be arrested on corruption charges to be considered the greatest mistake the public ever made!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Paulson Predicts No More Major Institutions To Fail; Public Braces For Certain Collapse

See Anything Out There, Buddy?

Uh-oh. Treasury Secretary and hapless soothsayer Henry Paulson told CNBC today that he is "expecting no other major institutions to fail."

Which means the s**t is about to hit the fan. Nothing against ol' Hank here, but his track record isn't exactly what I'd call comforting.

Sure, his previous prediction about the banking system being "safe and sound" was welcomed with the immediate collapse of the industry, including the demise of
Bear Stearns, IndyMac Bank, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Lehman Bros., Washington Mutual and American International Group.

Then, Paulson's next bold prediction about how the banking system "has been stabilized" and "no other major institution risks failure" was of course also followed by the stunning
downfall of banking giant Citigroup, but who's counting?

I mean it's not like the guy is never right.

Warning: Thick-Haired Rats Spotted In Area!

It's been nearly a week since Illinois governor and resident crime boss Hot Rod Blagojevich was arrested on enough corruption and bribery charges to make Dick Cheney jealous, and still the ever-humble public servant continues to go to "work" everyday to dutifully serve the people.

Despite a record-low 7 percent approval rating, the resignation of fellow sleazeball chief-of-staff John Harris, and the Illinois legislature's announcement to begin impeachment proceedings Monday, the ever-classy Blago continued to endlessly humor us by clinging to the delusion that his resignation is optional.

And won't necessarily be followed by a lengthy vacation to a place where men swap their
leather jackets for orange jumpsuits and don't give their favorite Paul Mitchell hairbrush adorable nicknames like "the football," in reference to the "nuclear football,” or bomb codes never to be out of reach of the president.

But in
bigger news, who knew Rod Blagojevich actually had a forehead?!?

Illinois' Own Bonnie And Clyde

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sweet Caroline To The Senate?

Barack And Caroline Pal Around

One of America's last great remaining treasures, Caroline Kennedy, has decided to throw her (designer) hat into the ring and go for Hillary Clinton's vacant senate seat, now that she's moving on to bigger and better things as Obama's hotshot Secretary of State.

Although it is still in the speculative stages, everyone knows Kennedy's get what Kennedy's want, and it will just be a matter of time before NY Gov. David Patterson "officially" appoints sweet Caroline as Hillrod's senate replacement.

Which is totally cool with us.

She is one of the most highly respected figures in New York and has already played an active, public role during Obama's presidential campaign, so no worries that little miss privacy will suffer from some publicity-induced breakdown and blow her big shot. As if she'd ever have to worry about lack of opportunities!

After all, she is a Kennedy. And everyone knows there is no such thing as too many Kennedy's in Congress. It's practically written in the Constitution.

How Sweet It Is To Be A Kennedy

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Bush To Shoe-Bomber: Bring It On!

President Bush's popularity in the Middle East continued to soar on Sunday when an Iraqi journalist showed his love for the U.S. leader by hurling two shoes at him and shouting, "This is a goodbye kiss, you dog!"

Bush, who loves games and athletic competitions of all sorts, nimbly dodged the shoe-barrage, but thanked the man for spicing up the otherwise dull news conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki to mark the signing of a U.S.-Iraq security agreement.

Feeling good about his agile performance, Bush was all smiles after the sneak(er) attack, joking to reporters that the weapon of choice appeared to be a size 10.

Bodyguards quickly wrestled shoe-bombing journalist Muthathar al Zaidi to the floor and hauled him from the room, further delighting the President, who was upset over having to miss Sunday football for the secret trip.

Bush praised his security team for the awesome tackle and thanked the Iraqis for making him feel right at home.

Besides, Bush added, "If he's as good throwing the pigskin as he is with rubber, I may just have found myself the star new QB for my fantasy league!"

Saturday, December 13, 2008

White House To Obamas: Sorry We're Booked!

Blair House: No Early Obamas Allowed!

The ever-classy Bush family turned down a request from president-elect Barack Obama to move into the White House's guest quarters early so his two children Sasha and Malia can start school on time like normal kids on Jan. 5.

Unfortunately, the Obama's were informed that Blair House, where incoming presidents usually stay in the five days before Inauguration Day, is already booked for early January by someone who is apparently more important than they are.

Although a White House spokesman said no foreign dignitaries were scheduled, and the Bush's did not have any family or friends visiting during that time, the Blair House has been booked for “receptions and gatherings by members of the outgoing Bush administration that don’t make it suitable for full-time occupancy by the Obamas yet.”

You hear that Obamas?

The Bush's have important things to do before their graceful exit from power and need another place besides the cramped White House where Laura can get some knitting done in peace and quiet and George can hold his no-girls-allowed-secret-boys-only meetings without interruptions from Barney (or Laura, hehe).

Not so some "kids" can start school on time and the president-elect's family can have some sweet pad to crash at.

Nice try, though.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Much Like Their Cars, Auto Bailout Deal Sputters And Dies In Senate

The emergency $14 billion bailout for U.S. automakers went up in flames in the U.S. Senate after United Auto Workers (UAW) refused to accept Republican demands for swift wage cuts.

The tight-fisted Republicans (their lil $550 billion spree in Iraq doesn't count) decided they just couldn't give away good federal money to hard-working auto workers unless they agreed to take pay cuts like their multimillionaire bosses.

But those greedy auto workers just wouldn't budge and refused to instate any wage cuts before their union contracts expire in 2011, preferring to watch
the bill sputter and die in the senate, in true auto industry tradition.

So, while the Big Three Automakers teeter on the verge of collapse, the American people can give a hearty thanks to all those Republican senators who understand the government is not there to give blank checks to help average citizens.

It's there to fund wars and help bail out rich CEO's from their own greed and incompetence--at the taxpayer's expense of course!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Blago's Future: Jail Cell Or Padded Walls?

A spokesman for salt-of-the-earth politician "Hot" Rod Blagojevich says the Illinois Gov. remained "upbeat and positive" as he returned to work for the second day since his sensational arrest for being a corrupt, no-good sleazebag of the highest order.

Lucio Guerrero, a spokesman for the embattled governor, said, "There's a sense of trying to return to normalcy," adding that he doesn't know whether Blagojevich will step down. "That's something that obviously he'll decide on his own."

Hmmm. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say Rod "F**k 'em" Blagojevich decides not only to stay in office, but may also begin forming his presidential exploratory committee for 2012.

Sure he's being accused of trying to sell a senate seat, his city's baseball team, and anything else not tied down to the earth, but does that really make him unfit to lead a state?

Of course it doesn't! Just like being "upbeat and positive" about your political future after getting busted for being a modern, Serbian version of Al Capone doesn't mean you're a criminal. Just delusional.

"Can I Interest You In A Nice Senate Seat, Mr. Officer?"

Obama Assures Public Not All Politicians Are Lying, Sex-Crazed Crooks

Hangin' With Obama

Suffice it to say, this has not been a great week for boosting the public's opinion of politicians.

If it's not one "straight" senator's appeal getting turned down for pleading guilty to soliciting gay sex in a Minneapolis airport men's bathroom ("wide-stance" Larry Craig), it's another state representative losing their conviction appeal for offering an undercover male cop $20 and a little oral pleasure (
“Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen), and a corrupt governor ("Hot Rod" Blagojevich) so drunk with power he jokes about the feds wire-tapping him the day before he's busted running the state like some crazed, thickly-coiffed mafioso.

Which is why it is so refreshing to see not just any politician, but Barack Obama himself, offering viewers a candid glimpse into the life of the president-elect.

Even if it's not real.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Obama And Blago: As Different As Black And White

Let's get one thing straight.

Barack Obama and Rod Blagojevich may both be Democratic politicians from the Land of Lincoln, but the similarities pretty much end there.

For starters, Obama is an unabashed White Sox fan. Blago, on the other hand, is a die-hard Cubs fan, although he is willing to sell his beloved team if the Chicago Tribune's bastard writing staff doesn't start playing nice.

A faithful public servant even before venturing into the political arena, Obama spent several years as a community activist in Chicago, where he helped improve living conditions for many struggling, underprivileged minorities in the city.

On the contrary, Blagojevich spent several years in the Governor's mansion, where he engaged in one of "the most staggering crime sprees ever seen in office," including conspiring to sell Barack Obama's vacated U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder ("it's f**king golden!") and threatening to withhold vital state funds for Children's Memorial Hospital if the a-holes in charge don't start coughing up serious cash for Blago's campaign.

So as much as he'd like to distance himself from the shamed Illinois governor, decent and honest Barack Obama will nonetheless continue to be linked to hometown sleaze bag Rod Blagojevich and his unnatural head of hair.

I guess every Jesus needs a Judas. Keeps things nice and balanced.

Oh, and happy 52nd birthday, Blago!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

RIP: U.S.Newspapers Doomed To Museum's Ancient Relics Collection

In what was surely a surprise to nobody, the long-declining newspaper industry has finally gone the way of the dinosaurs.

The once-mighty Tribune Co. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy on Monday, effectively pulling the plug on two of its publications, the Chicago Tribune and Los Angeles Times, which have been hovering on life support for years.

The (for now) Tribune-owned Cubs and Wrigley Field, however will not be affected by the move, because everyone knows sports are hell of a lot more popular than cumbersome stacks of the dull printed word. Boooring!

Even the old standby, the New York Times appears likely to follow its print brethren to the poorhouse, with the company forced to mortgage or sell the new, fancy-pants HQ it bought for hundreds of millions of dollars it never had.

So, the newspaper biz has now joined the esteemed automakers and banks atop the ever growing list of major U.S. industries to crumble from a combination of stubbornness, greed, and ineptitude at every level.

Give you one guess who gets to bail them out.

The Taxpayer Shakedown

Bye, Bye Blago! IL Gov. Arrested For Being Even Slimier Than We Thought

The Esteemed Gov. Rod Blagojevich Of Illinois

Well, Blago. It was really only a matter of time until you got caught. Everyone knew you were a corrupt, slimy politician--and a terrible governor. What we didn't know was exactly how scummy you were. Now we do.

And now we can hate you not just for your douchebag hair style or your weird love of Elvis Presley, or cause your name is Rod, but because you've literally tried every trickster politician move in the book, only to finally get caught trying to auction off Obama's vacant senate seat to the highest bidder.

So, congratulations, Mr. Rod Blagojevich, you've officially joined the esteemed ranks of corrupt Chicago politicians willing to sell their soul (even their beloved Cubs!) to anyone, so long as the price is right and the getting is good.

We're so proud we can add a Democrat to the list of former Illinois governors rotting in jail due to a combination of incredible hubris and stupidity. Please do say hi to George Ryan for us, and be sure to listen to his advice.

Ryan may be a Republican, but I am sure he has some nice tips on everything from how to keep your spirits up to the best way to sneak hair gel past the prison guards.

What, you thought Blago's fluffy, is-that-a-toupee look was au natural?
Ha ha silly people!

When are you gonna learn? Nothing about the man is real.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Obama Discovers Elusive "Magic Wand" Is Really Just Good Policy Making

Well, well, what a surprise!

Mr. Perfect Barry Obama spent the weekend showing off as usual, this time using his weekend radio address to lay out his economic recovery plan, including several, sweeping initiatives to "help save or create at least two and a half million jobs, while rebuilding our infrastructure, improving our schools, reducing our dependence on oil, and saving billions of dollars."

The nerve of that man.

Trying to fix the nation's problems, like he's the president-elect who's gonna have to deal with them, instead of the still-president who caused them and really doesn't give a damn, so long as that sweet pad in Dallas is waitin' for Papa when he comes home.

Besides, last Dubya checked, he didn't find any magic wand he could wave to make all the country's problems go away.

But try telling that to EGObama, who thinks he can fix the economic mess not with the elusive magic wand politicians love to remind us they don't have.

But with a brilliant, new FDR-inspired plan blending job growth and infrastructural upgrades to launch:
"The most sweeping effort to modernize and upgrade school buildings that this country has ever seen, put new computers in classrooms, boost broadband deployment in communities across America, make public buildings more energy-efficient, and modernize our health care system with cutting-edge technology and secure access of electronic medical records to all Americans."
Is that all, lazy bones?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Why The War In Iraq Is Taking So Long

Now I am not normally one to poke fun at someone's cultural differences, no matter how comically ripe their differences may be.

But I mean this is just too much.

I don't care what country you're from, what language you speak, or which god, if any, you pray to. If you've got 4 limbs--a pair of arms and a pair of legs--you should be able to successfully complete a single jumping jack.

Hopefully, even a few, especially if you are expected to soon become the military apparatus for your fledgling, war-torn nation teetering ever so delicately between democracy and chaos.

Ah yes, mark your calendars, ladies and gents, our troops are coming home! Any day now...

Friday, December 5, 2008

The House That Pain Built

George W. Bush may be leaving the White House under a dark cloud of shame and failure, but at least he's decided to reward himself for a job well done.

In less than 46 days, George and first-babe Laura are heading for greener pastures in Dallas (where else?) where they will reflect on their eight-year pillage of America from the comfort of their spacious, newly purchased 8,501 sq. ft digs, complete with necessary
servants quarters.

And all for the bargain-basement price of $2.07 million!

For which President Bush offered a hearty thank you to all the struggling homeowners who defaulted on their sub-prime mortgages and helped usher in the housing meltdown, so faithful public servants like himself could get their Dallas dream home, at a steal!

Aerial View Of Bush's Modest, New 8,501 Sq. Ft Pad

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Papa Bear Richardson Agrees To Get Shafted As New Commerce Secretary

So Am I Supposed To Like Try To Sell This, Now?

We all know Bill Richardson got the shaft
with his lame-o nomination as U.S. Commerce Secretary.

Let's not kid ourselves with the whole "consolation prize" thing, because that implies there is something desirable or prize-like about the commerce secretary position, and I can assure you the glorified name for "global business leader" is neither of these things.

Even Obama was forced to defend whether the cuddly Hispanic governor from New Mexico was given a high enough cabinet post, having already been passed over for the coveted Secretary of State gig, which went to some white lady who looks better in pantsuits.

“Commerce secretary is a pretty good job,” Obama said. “It’s a member of my key economic team that’s going to be dealing with the most significant issue American faces right now...Bill Richardson has been selected because he’s the best person for that job.”

That's right. It has nothing to do with the fact that Obama's rainbow express tour needed some Latino flavor and the foremost Hispanic leader also happened to owe Obama a favor for saving his ass during a Democratic primary debate:
"As I'm chatting with Obama, the moderator says, 'Governor Richardson, what do you think of that?' And I look at him like a deer in the headlights. I was about to say that I hadn't heard, when Obama puts his hand over his mouth and says, 'Katrina.' So I gave my four-point plan on Katrina. When I was done and the debate moved on, I looked over and said, 'Thanks, you're okay.' And Barack says, “Nothing to it, brother.”
See, nothing to it. Except a dumpy cabinet post you can't complain about.

Ah, Yes The Stubby Hand And Bright Smile We've Been Waiting For!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Saxby "Big Daddy" Chambliss Wins Georgia Senate Race; Saves Republicans From Total Irrelevance

Guess what, folks?

Saxby "Big Daddy" Chambliss is no longer just a weird, boob-grabbing pervert, he is now also the proud winner of Georgia's runoff senate election against boring Democratic nuisance Jim Martin. And it only took him two tries!

Well, Saxby, my man, you've finally earned it. We knew that loser James "Jim" Martin didn't stand a chance once you unleashed the whole fine-lookin' Chambliss clan on the public with that brilliant and not-at-all creepy thanksgiving ad.

But just to be on the safe side and make sure the godless Democrats don't get one step closer to their holy supermajority of 60 filibuster-proof, GOP ass kickin' seats, the Republicans brought out the Big Guns for Mr. "Big Daddy" Saxby.

Republican superstar Sarah Louise Palin headlined a four-rally blitzkrieg across the state on Monday, one of the fine Alaskan wonder's many appearances for Chambliss.

The whole GOP gang reunited to campaign on Chambliss' behalf, with fan favorites Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, and, even the old maverick himself, John S. McCain, rallying voters in Georgia to take a last-stand against the terrifying Socialist Democratic takeover of the United States.

Democrats tried their "best" to win another seat (how many does that make?) and further humiliate the already-defeated Republican party.

Sure, Barack Obama may have declined Jim "No One Cares" Martin's request to personally campaign on his behalf, but he had other things to do like run the country and pretend that anyone actually believes Bush is really the president.

Besides, it's not like Obama didn't do anything to help Mr. Jim Martin bring some Democratic flavor to the dirty South.

He did record a radio ad for Martin and even lent some celebrity street-cred with the unstoppable one-two punch of Mr. William Jefferson Clinton and...Al Gore!

That's right, Al Gore!

Anyone? Anyone?

Well, At Least Jimbo's Handling The Loss Well!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Eureka! The Great Gay Invasion Into America's Heartland

Don't Let This Happen To Your Town!

Unless you figure out a way to stop the dreaded rainbow mafia from coming out of the closet to infiltrate cities across America, your town may suffer the same terrible fate as Eureka Springs, Arkansas, where crazy gay activists have turned this l
ovely, Christian community into a haven for homosinuality.

Luckily, the moral patrol wingnuts over at the
American Family Association have taken it upon themselves to stop this well-organized homosexual cabal dead in their tracks.

Their delightful, informative DVD "They're Coming To Your Town" not only exposes the dangers of the great gay invasion into America's heartland, but also comes in a convenient "five-pack!" so you can spread the word at school, church, bible study class, or wherever else the moral fiber is being threatened.

So, hurry! Only you can stop the horror of clean, well-dressed gay people moving to your rural community.

Because we all know no real American should be subject to good restaurants, independent bookstores, landscape design or rising property values.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Black Friday And The "Great Thanksgiving Wars" Of America

Ah yes, the glorious state of our nation.

While India burned
from deadly terrorists attacks that killed nearly 200 people over the weekend, the lovely citizens of America gave humble thanks for their blessings with the traditional gorging of poultry (and various weirdly paired marshmallow and potato side-dishes) with friends and family on the one day Americans pretend to be civilized family people who eat homemade food on cloth-covered tables.

The day after Thanksgiving — Black Friday — is when consumer-crazed Americans return to their real selves and bargain-hunting mobs stampede workers and shoot each other over the best sale prices of the season.

Yes, while Mumbai buries its dead and people around the world are slaughtered over race, religion, politics, and other "trivial" reasons, the enlightened citizens of America have the Great Thanksgiving Wars, where we kill each other over important things like can't-be-missed prices on Guitar Hero, flat screen TVs and iPods.