America's Special People & Living Warnings Against The Dangers Of KFC Arrive For Beckapalooza

Hark, ye caffeinated patriots of the revolution! Rise up, err, or umm remain seated, ye lardbottoms on your ridiculous scooters, paid for by NObama's Socialist Medicare, so you can stay politically active while remaining aerobically inactive, like true freedom fighters fulfilling MLK's dream of equality and saturated-fat clogged arteries.

Woohoo!

On this most historic, miraculous God & Glenn-blessed event in the history of the United States of America, when loyal patriots of fast food chains and freeDUMB come scooting, limping, and waddling from sea to shining sea to fill the nation's capital with liberty and justice for all...intellectually barren and/or physically immobile bigots. Hooray!

But just what is Glenn Beck's rally really all about, other than restoring honor in the form of oversized, sequined Dr. Seuss hats??

By the looks of it, America seems to be a proud nation of obese white men and women who've either been religiously (CHRISTIAN, we hope) applying 75 SPF sunblock or been living in the parts of the nation that do not receive direct sunlight, such as underground bunkers or perhaps one of Dick Cheney's various fallout shelters scattered beneath the Earth's crust. Yes sir-ee, this fine crew looks ready to help their weeping prophet Glenn Beck "Restore Honor" by confirming every ugly stereotype about a ruined nation filled with dumb white trash waving Chinese-made American flags and lugging industrial-size coolers filled with corn syrup and lard.

But how else will God's golden-haired messenger Glenn Lee Beck and lipstick wearing legend of the Snowy North go about fixin' America, and saving this once-glorious nation, now that's its been overrun by elitist communists of many colors, not just pure snow Jesus white?

Perhaps by gathering the nation's elderly, plopping them in lawn chairs, and witnessing the picturesque vision of our nation’s Soviet Capitol teeming with beautiful wheelchair and scooter-bound heroes dressed up like our founding fathers and proudly waving banners that reflect true American values like "Buy Gold!" "No Buttsecks...Or Health Care For Poors!" "My Body, Your Choice," and "Got Tea?"

How about hanging some Nuremberg-style banners (with a hopey-changey NObama-y theme??) along with some homemade posters with childish caricatures of the Lincoln Memorial, to block that hideous actual Lincoln Memorial, lest it distract from the radiant beauty of Glenn Beck or any other pale, pudgy patriots channeling God's divinity and the dreams of historic black civil rights leaders by turning them into actual nightmares.

Or perhaps just the terrifying hallucinations of a syphilitic brain??

I Went To Glenn Beck's Rally, All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt

Uh oh, looks like all of this man's racist shirts that actually make sense were at the dry cleaners. Oh, and for the record, it's "Mauritania," dipshit.

Speaking of...

The New New Colossus

Oh Lady Lad of Liberty:

"Give me your tired, your poor (hygiene included?), Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free (of respirators!), The wretched refuse of your teeming shore (check!). Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Or Dr. Glenn Lee Beck's "Honor Restored" version:

"Give me your ignorant, your stupid, Your huddled fatsos yearning to buy Bacon double cheeseburgers & The Overton Window. Send these, the homeless (or trailer park dwellers), Texas-toast to me, I lift (with arthritic arms) my zippo beside the gold-plated coin!"

The 43-Year-Old Virgin Is Bursting Out Of The Closet Now That He's Finished Trying To Stuff His Entire Fellow LGBT Community Back In!

 Open Wide...

Well, well now isn't this just rich. Fabulous, really!

Weird, self-loathing closet case, former Republican National Committee chair, George Bush's 2004 campaign manager, and pretty much the policy equivalent of the AIDS virus on the LGBT community, Ken Mehlman has ever so graciously decided to spare the American people the suspense and come out on his own now that he's no longer just a spry, sexually confused teenager of 43.

Of course, rumors about Ken's TOTAL GAYNESS have been swirling around since like forever, but certainly since he was outed as part of Mike Rogers' campaign to rid the political world of hypocritical homos who cynically convince fat slobs around the country to turn off the boob tube, wipe off the drool, change out of their pajamas, get off the couch and go vote Republican, to stop the evil gay scourge from spreading its perfectly manicured paws all over America's altars and homes.

But there's something particularly unforgivable about being the closeted leader of the most virulently anti-gay presidential campaign in history, which gave us four more years of queer-bashing, rights trampling, fiercely hetero cowboys appropriately named Bush and Dick, before kindly deciding to come out as an actual terrible gay himself, long after the damage was done and the lux drapes already picked out on his pricey $3.77 million NY pad, while his fellow gays and lesbians lost the right to marry in almost 40 states.

“It’s taken me 43 years to get comfortable with this part of my life,” Mehlman said. “Everybody has their own path to travel, their own journey, and for me, over the past few months, I’ve told my family, friends, former colleagues, and current colleagues, and they’ve been wonderful and supportive. The process has been something that’s made me a happier and better person. It’s something I wish I had done years ago.”

Awww, Kenny how positively sweet of you! I bet all those deviant gays and lezzies you've spent your entire political career marginalizing and dehumanizing wish you had too.

But, if you hadn't been such a self-hating cowardly queer, how would you have made a gazillion dollars fighting the gay demons in your mind, all so you could buy a swanky, exquisitely decorated (we'd assume) "bachelor" pad in Chelsea to share with your umm, dear "friend," who you would never have gross gay sex with because that is evil and wrong, and it is much better to be a real, live 43-year-old virgin than some gross fag who actually has normal sexual relations with humans.

Wanna know what else keeps Ken up at night? Other than hot, sweaty men with hefty bulges in their tight pants haunting his dreams...

Why The Gays never joined forces with the ignorant Muslim bashers in the Republican party, ya know, as sort of a deflect-hate-toward-a-different-oppressed-minority-to-help-my-own-ass-strategy:

He often wondered why gay voters never formed common cause with Republican opponents of Islamic jihad, which he called “the greatest anti-gay force in the world right now.”

OMG like totes, so true!

Why didn't the gays team up with a bunch of racist, white Muslim haters and go bomb A-rabs in faraway desert countries cause surely that would help bring the plight of the gay and lesbian community to light here in America, right? Nothing says true equality like smart-bombing some Saudis (or stabbing NY cabbies) to show them jihadists we don't take too kindly too other religions persecuting our gays when we are already quite capable of doing that all by ourselves, thank you very much.

Plus, now that Mehlman's leadership in the GOP is no more, the jihadists have a clear route right to the top of the ol' persecution ladder. C'mon, who's with me?

So, welcome to gayness, Ken!  Sure, nobody is going to have sex with your vile, principle-less ass, but don't let it bring you down, because they probably weren't having sex with you before, either.

Of course, Mehlman now acknowledges that if he hadn't been such a god damn pussy, and publicly declared his sexuality sooner, he might have played a role in keeping the party from pushing an anti-gay agenda.

Ooopsy-daisy!

Oooh, looks like someone's a serious contender for this year's courage and bravery award!

"It's a legitimate question and one I understand," Mehlman said. "I can't change the fact that I wasn't in this place personally when I was in politics, and I genuinely regret that. It was very hard, personally." He asks of those who doubt his sincerity: "If they can't offer support, at least offer understanding."

Yes, America. Please understand that I, Kenneth Brian Mehlman, am a hypocritical weasel who would sell his own son (wait, that would require doing that weird "sex" thing). Okay, would sell his own mother if it helped make him even richer or more effective in his glorious career bashing the very community he now asks forgiveness & acceptance from, disenfranchised and thoroughly separate but unequal.

"What I do regret, and think a lot about, is that one of the things I talked a lot about in politics was how I tried to expand the party into neighborhoods where the message wasn't always heard. I didn't do this in the gay community at all."

He "really wished" he had come to terms with his sexual orientation earlier, "so I could have worked against [the Federal Marriage Amendment]" and "reached out to the gay community in the way I reached out to African Americans."

Well, hopefully, not in the exact same way, but fine, whatever you say. Then, after you got that down, you could reach out to all the Jewish Klansmen, Black White Supremacists, pro-life Feminists, male prostitute-renting Family Research Council co-founders, dumb, broke-ass Teabaggers, and the rest of the creepy self-haters you seem to understand so well.

Also, he should probably be punched on live television by Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, and maybe one of the token gays on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or Desperate Househubbies of San Francisco or whatever the hell shows the gays watch obsessively, in groups, while squealing, especially since Mehlman is still giving money to anti-gay candidates, who hate him.

Hooray!

What someone needs to do is reach their arms around Ken's skinny little neck and b*tch slap this a-hole across the face, shouting "I don't care if you're celibate and never got laid in your life, you're still a no-good money whore who works both sides of the street, who has less integrity in your entire body than freakin' RuPaul has in his/her pinky finger, you no-good, immoral, conscience-lacking, sack of self-hating waste.

"I wish I was where I am today 20 years ago. The process of not being able to say who I am in public life was very difficult. No one else knew this except me. My family didn't know. My friends didn't know. Anyone who watched me knew I was a guy who was clearly uncomfortable with the topic."

Oh, we feel just awful for you! How terribly difficult it must have been to launch a national crusade against your own hideous kind, all while having to answer squeamish, uncomfortable questions about your own secret homosinuality, or shall I say, virginuality. Because being an actual asexual freak is certainly better than a disgusting, hell-bound fag, now isn't it?

"What I will try to do is to persuade people, when I have conversations with them, that it is consistent with our party's philosophy, whether it's the principle of individual freedom, or limited government, or encouraging adults who love each other and who want to make a lifelong commitment to each other to get married."

"I hope that we, as a party, would welcome gay and lesbian supporters. I also think there needs to be, in the gay community, robust and bipartisan support [for] marriage rights."

Which is why I have spent the better part of my adult life working against the very right of gay and lesbians to be able to do the things on which I now speak.

So, just how can Roy Cohn's torch carrier, Ken Mehlman, redeem himself for being an actual Judas, all these beautiful, closeted years?

Hmmm, let's see. He can start by saying how deeply sorry he is for being the architect of the 2004 Bush reelection campaign, how he's terribly ashamed of his role in developing strategy that resulted in George W. Bush threatening to veto ENDA or any bill containing hate crimes laws. How is he is truly sorry for helping push two divisive, discriminatory Federal Marriage Amendments (banning gross gays like him from the altar) as political leverage, and of course for developing the 72-hour strategy, using homophobic churches to become political arms of the GOP before Election Day.

Oh yeah, and he can also beg forgiveness for all those state marriage amendments banning the hideous union of homosexuals, because if there is one thing God cannot stand it is the blessed matrimony of two people with the wrong penis-to-vagina ratios.

I'm sure there's a joke somewhere in this story about how, after eight years hanging out with Dick and Bush, Ken finally figured out which one he preferred...And it rhymes with prick!

That said, based on historic patterns of Grand Old Pretenders, I can't wait for Newt Gingrich to finally admit he is indeed a secret, slimy Muslim-practicing amphibious swamp creature, and Sarah Palin finally comes clean, and lets the whole world know she is, in fact, a Kodiak Bear, who occasionally eats her young, scavenges off the fetid remains of human garbage, and whose level of intelligence hovers somewhere between that of an average canine and a primate. Though, in SarBear's case, 'average canine' is closer to a special-needs mutt.

Let's call him Ken!

How Much Does It Cost For An Old, Washed Up Maverick To Buy His Way Out Of Retirement & Win An Election?

Congratulations America! All your hard work, tireless efforts, and Cindy McCain's beer money have finally paid off because John McCain, THE John McCain, has officially defeated certified nutjob and
world-famous infomercial star J.D. Hayworth to win Arizona's Senate seat and return once again to Washington, DC to give the nation another six years (at least!) of good times and cheer watching a confused old man wander aimlessly, muttering to himself, through the hallowed halls of the U.S. Congress. Which sure beats doing the same thing in the hot, scary, Mexican-filled desert of his native land, Arizona!

So now that John McCain will officially never be voted out of office, because, much like their favorite ancient Senator and living fossil Gramps McCain, Arizona Republicans are also too old, confused, and ignorant to know what's going on, ever, the whole nation ('cept the Mexis!) can breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Three cheers for the pretend maverick! WOOHOO! Score one for America!

And to think, all he had to give up was the last, remaining specks of his integrity and legacy (Prisoner-of-War-turned-Prisoner-of Wingnuts?), while his long-suffering wife Cindy had to drop a cool $20 million just to finally get the old man back to DC, so she can go back to diddling the hunky pool boy like the good ol' pill-addled days.

So now that John McCain is back where he should be (and out of the wifey's way), let's take a moment to reflect upon the countless morals lost and trust funds tapped on the long, strange desert odyssey to defeat a teetotalin' lunatic on horseback initialed J.D. Hayworth and continue putting Country First by stowing his integrity in the ice box, along with SarBear, Cindy's petty cash, and his sanity.

Of course, with sweet Cindy's Budweiser-bought victory for Johnny, the only clear losers in the election were the people of Arizona, who had to endure a relentless barrage of sleazy ads from both sides, and as a result didn't really care who won, so long as the audio/visual assaults stopped. I mean, even a thousand screeching Cindy's, or salsa dancing Mexicans, would be a welcome respite from the god-awful ads these two cooked up!

Turnout at the polls was light for much of today for Arizona’s primary election, which will set the field for November races ranging from U.S. Senate to local constable.

As they turned out to cast ballots, many voters said they were turned off by relentless and negative campaign advertising, saying the mudslinging distracted the public from important issues like the economy and illegal immigration.

Totes! Ha ha, I mean like why isn't anyone talking about illegal immigration in Arizona of all places, lately?? Perhaps they completed the danged fence or maybe Gov. GI Jan Brewer is simply too busy fighting National Socialist threats like her heroic Nazi-hunting father to bother?

But now that America can rest assured knowing its collective grandfather will be around for as long as his frustratingly hearty genes allow him to continue selling his soul for power, the political watchdogs over at Esquire have gone ahead and crunched the numbers to find just how much of John Cindy McCain's beer fortune the old man blew to defeat an actual cartoon character and win Arizona's GOP senate primary.

Turns out, it is indeed possible to put a very large and very comical price per vote on what it cost the McCains to eke out an unimpressive victory in the hot, abandoned drug 'n Mexican-overrun wasteland known as Arizona.

So, with 56 percent of the vote (compared to J.D. Hayworth's 32 percent), the ol' maverHACK received approximately 281,347 votes. And considering the $21 million cost of his campaign, some simple elementary math reveals everyone's favorite septuagenarian paid approximately $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 million ÷ 281,347 = $74.64.

Now, it's no secret McCain has always paid a premium for every winning vote, but to put this desperation in proper perspective, McCain's 1982 congressional campaign cost $13.54 per vote in inflation-adjusted dollars ($550,000 ÷ 89,116 votes = $13.54), while the 2008 presidential race only cost him $5.03 per lever pull ($293 million ÷ 58.3 million votes = $5.03), but then again Johnny did have the natural advantage of running against an actual colored person, in America, which ya know always helps.

Besides, at this rate the McCain/Budweiser fortune should be totally shot by the next couple o' Senate races. Then, the grumpy old coot can finally go home, Cindy can again relapse into a Rx haze, and John McCain can return to starring in hilarious commercials wandering the vast Arizona desert searching for (white!) people to pay off in exchange for their vote.

But, if he were really smart, he would stop wasting his Cindy's money. For the price of just one vote, McCain could have hired like three illegals because you don't need a green card or English skills to know better than having a demented, old man wander the scary, illegal-filled wilderness of Arizona, alone and unarmed.

But, give the old man some credit. At least someone's still pumping money into this limp, lifeless economy.

Even if it's only to keep their own limp, lifeless carcass in the Senate, and out of some posh retirement community in Scottsdale. At Cindy's insistence, of course.

Someone Get This Man A Hot Dog. For God's Sake, I'd Say He's Earned It!

Glenn Beck Has A Dream...That You Make Him Even Richer By Buying His Dumb Book & Attending His White Power Rally In DC

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s paler, pudgier (un)civil rights "brother" Glenn Lee Beck and his army of Teabaggers will be descending on Washington, DC this weekend to commemorate the anniversary of MLK's famous "I Have a Dream" speech for whatever reason mobs of angry white men choose to honor the nation's foremost civil rights activists & proponents of racial equality by shouting racist obscenities at the National Mall (comic irony?).

But it turns out Glenn Beck's dreams of a world dedicated to making a certain golden-haired angel of truth even richer and more famouser by helping push his latest, greatest book assault on the English language upon the unsuspecting masses may have hit the proverbial snooze button.

Because some of Beck's fellow wingnuts and white power patriots on the right think Glenny over here may simply be throwing this so-called Beckapalooza ("Restoring Honor") to help not the conservative cause (whatever that may be), but rather his own celebrity status and personal bank account of freedom.

Influential conservative blogger Erick Erickson said Beck won’t be able to answer what Erickson has called lingering questions about “whether he’s doing it for himself or doing it for the movement,” even with a successful event this weekend.

“People are going to want to see what comes out of this weekend long term — is it a flash in the pan or is it something longer term?” said Erickson. “Part of the problem is that he didn’t hold onto the 9-12 stuff and it’s kind of descended into competing factions and chaos. He is going to have to be careful, I think, to make sure that he perpetuates this in some way or it’s going to start becoming a punch line.”

I know, I know, Glenn Beck, a punch line? HA, impossible!! But still, some on the right are all upset because Glenn's "9.12 Project," which apparently tried to change the way America punctuates dates post-9/11 by replacing slashes with decimal points (or something like that?), appears to have fallen by the wayside. Guess Glenn did not do a good enough job keeping those Teabaggers red-faced and seething with hatred and bigotry, and as a result, they started to get bored and, consequently less full of hate, and this upsets activists very much.

Meanwhile, at least one tea party group rejected Beck’s entreaties to assist with the march, concluding he was offering little in return for its organizational know-how and credibility, while giving preferential treatment to FreedomWorks, which is paying to sponsor Beck’s radio show. The group’s leader, who requested anonymity to avoid antagonizing Beck, said, “All he’s doing is trying to use us to promote himself.”

And the problem with that is? Jesus Christ had no problem using his disciples to spread the Christian word of God, why should Glenny? Besides, why is Mr. Anonymous so afraid of Beck in the first place? I mean what's the worst that could happen? Beck drowning him in a cascade of Vicks VapoRub tears?

“I call it ‘Beckaplooza,’ because it seems to be all about Beck,” said Andrew Ian Dodge, the Maine state coordinator for Tea Party Patriots, a coalition of local groups that has helped stage several big rallies, many to protest what they saw as unchecked government expansion under President Barack Obama and the Democratic Congress.

At the request of Beck’s team, which lacked the organizational infrastructure or logistical know-how to pull off Saturday’s march, asked for assistance, Tea Party Patriots agreed to help promote the march among its 500,000 email subscribers and to provide 400 volunteers to staff it, a requirement before the National Park Service would issue a permit.

But when the Patriots were deciding whether to help with Saturday’s rally, Dodge said there was internal queasiness over the M.L.K. link and Beck’s inflammatory rhetoric, including his blasting of Obama as a racist.

“There have been discussions continuously over the last year about whether he is necessarily a force for good or not necessarily,” said Dodge, who is not planning to attend Beck’s rally and expressed concern that it could produce controversy that might haunt the tea party. “Beck takes it outside of the realm of fiscal conservatism into issues that are more emotional and make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy.”

Whoa, whoa whoa!! What did you just say? "Make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy?" What are you insane or something (yes!)?

I thought the whole problem was that Beck didn't inflame Teabaggers enough! Now, suddenly calling an Obama a secret Muslim terrorist elitist socialist illegal immigrant thug racist is going "too far?" Is this not America, land of the free, brave, and deranged just cause Blacky NObama's sittin' in the once-pure snow White House? Well, I for one say, it doesn't go far enough!

“We very much appreciate and support Glenn’s general message that he puts forth on a daily basis ... He consistently espouses free market views and views that espouse what the founders thought,” said AFP President Tim Phillips. “It’s a good message—and so whatever direction he chooses to take with this day and this march, we support it.”

Thanks heavens someone remembers the true values of Teabagger Patriots (White Power Nationalists)! Getting used by a psychotic, yet shrewd mega-millionaire like Glenn Beck all so he can sell his awful books and make even more oodles of delicious Ben-Franklin flavored fruit from the free market money tree growing in his backyard. Because isn't that the whole point of being a Teabagger? Hating terrible, unAmerican taxes on the rich because you want rich people to have more money?

Surely, it is written in the Constitution, right there next to the part about how gross poor people should never, ever be allowed to get adequate, affordable health care, but be forced to die in the streets instead, while real patriots like Glenn Beck and Co. laugh and throw crumpled dollar bills at their limp, lifeless bodies.

Just like Dr. King always dreamed it would be.

As If The Cordoba House Wasn't Enough, Now The Muslims Are Coming After The Paul House Too!

A House Divided Cannot Stand, Even A House Of Pauls!

Ooooh, are America's favorite "Dr. R. Pauls" (as in Ron the elder and Rand the dumber) in the middle of a heated Muslim 'n mosque-fueled fight??

But how could Rand's deliciously red, Christian apple fall so far from father's tree? Surely, Jesus did not die for our sins only to see his favoritest wingnut duo o' docs disintegrate into a halal 'n hijab haze of father-son feud!

But which awesome Doctor Paul thinks those pesky Muslims should take their dang mosque and go back to Arabia, or wherever it is that A-rabs come from, and which one thinks the Cordoba House/Ground Zero Mosque controversy is "all about hate and Islamaphobia?" Hmmm, let's see, which one is trying to win a Senate seat in chicken-'n-freak-fried Kentucky?

Like any decent, true Republican trying to win a Senate race in the original land of Colonel Sanders secret spice and heart attacks in the form of bacon and cheese smothered between two fried chicken fillets, Dr. Rand Paul doesn't much care for those swarthy Muslimy types always tryin' to build stuff here in the Whites Only land of America.

"While this is a local matter that should be decided by the people of New York, Dr. Paul does not support a mosque being built two blocks from Ground Zero," Paul spokesperson Gary Howard said. "In Dr. Paul's opinion, the Muslim community would better serve the healing process by making a donation to the memorial fund for the victims of September 11th."

Eh, or just pulling a Heavens' Gate and collectively offing themselves in a mass effort to reach salvation aboard the Hale-Bopp comet to heaven. Either one really.

But noooooooo! Papa Ron just couldn't leave well enough alone, could he? No, Papa had to come along like some tree-hugging, arugula-eating liberal Muslim loving hippie, and insist the outcry is nothing more than bigoted, GOP-fueled anti-Muslim hysteria for political purposes.

"The outcry over the building of the mosque, near ground zero, implies that Islam alone was responsible for the 9/11 attacks. According to those who are condemning the building of the mosque, the nineteen suicide terrorists on 9/11 spoke for all Muslims," Ron wrote in a statement on RonPaul.com "This is like blaming all Christians for the wars of aggression and occupation because some Christians supported the neo-conservative's aggressive wars."

"It is repeatedly said that 64% of the people, after listening to the political demagogues, don't want the mosque to be built. What would we do if 75% of the people insist that no more Catholic churches be built in New York City? The point being is that majorities can become oppressors of minority rights as well as individual dictators. Statistics of support is irrelevant when it comes to the purpose of government in a free society--protecting liberty."

Well, well look who is suddenly all about protectin' freedom of gross Muslims now. Whatever is young Rand supposed to do? Certainly, siding with the terrible Islams (in enlightened Kentucky of all places) is out of the question, world-famous libertarian doctor daddies or not.

Sorry to disappoint ya, Pops, but he'll stick with whole hatin' an entire community instead. Kentuckians just looooooooove that kind of stuff. In fact they eat that shit up all day long, so long as it's before their daily dose of KFC's famous Double Down!

"I think reconciliation is best promoted by -- instead of having a multi-million dollar mosque -- maybe having a multi-million dollar donation to the memorial site, would be better for all," a semi-coherent Rand Paul said.

Or maybe even a multimillion dollar donation to his campaign (memorial site), since Ron and America's son, Rand, has had some trouble getting the Jesus freaks, Klansmen, and assorted other illiterate misfits who helped him win the primary to continue supporting him through the general election. Mainly, cause they're bunch of dumb rednecks with no money for anything anyway 'cept maybe the state's namesake variety bucket and a 40 oz or two at the local mini mart.

"Since Paul won the general election, he's had trouble keeping up the enthusiasm from his online activist base and tea party members. In a Facebook friend drive earlier this month, Paul's campaign aimed to get 100,000 people to sign up for his Web page — but fell about 40,000 people short," Politico reports.

Maybe cause he scares the bejeebus out of everyone, or at least anyone with actual money, like the greedy, media-controlling Jews and elitists always screwing things up for nice young people who hate blacks, browns, and anyone else not beautiful snow white like lovely Sir Rand over here.

"The fact that so much attention has been given the mosque debate, raises the question of just why and driven by whom?" the older, wiser Ron Paul writes:

In my opinion it has come from the neo-conservatives who demand continual war in the Middle East and Central Asia and are compelled to constantly justify it. They never miss a chance to use hatred toward Muslims to rally support for the ill conceived preventative wars. A select quote from soldiers from in Afghanistan and Iraq expressing concern over the mosque is pure propaganda and an affront to their bravery and sacrifice.

And the problem with that is? Sounds like Grand Ol' Politics as usual to me!

Desperate times (and/or desperate people) call for desperate measures.

Clearly, what Rand Paul needs to do now is tell the Teabaggers (and the rest of the neo-Nazis, skinheads, and birthers who support him) that the dirty ragheads are not only trying to build terrorist temples on the still-smoldering remains of patriotic, white power Christian Americans, but are also secretly building mosques in their large intestines, and the only sure-fire way to stop 'em is by immediately sending all their cash and money (eh, screw it, and gold jewelry, too!) to:

Dr. Rand Paul
National Board of Ophthalmology (aka a UPS Store in Bowling Green, Kentucky)
911 Muslim-Free Road
Bumblef**k, Confederacy, 91101

Doctor's orders!

Is North Korea's Hot Man-Tail Hunting Facebook Profile A Dirty Capitalist Trick, Or Is Kim Jong Il The Next Desperate Housewife Of The DMZ?

Much like Gramps McCain and the rest of the old, creepy Republicans desperately trying to recapture their-once youthful glow by mastering the art, no make that the science, of popular tween social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook before him, a new, even creepier Asian kid has decided to join the rest of the cool kids pokin' peeps and tweetin' updates over on the ol' 140-character block.

Sure, the nation' citizens may be starving to death, their economy in shambles, and the entire population a bunch of demented midgets hellbent on world domination (and hopefully, Armageddon), but the real news is that North Korea, and its adorable li'l muffin of a leader Kim Jong Il, has left the dark ages (sort of) and joined the rest of 21st century society by creating their very own official state-run Twitter and Facebook page. Hooray!

Get excited, world! A few weeks after the beautiful blossoming of North Korea's Twitter account and YouTube channel, the notorious nation of scary loners has apparently launched it's own awesome Facebook page to presumably do all the things crazy kids do these days, like stalk their exes (South Korea) and chat with the rest of the world's rogue leaders posting hilarious pictures and status messages from various undisclosed, highly secure locations worldwide like remote mountain caves.

The AP reports that the Facebook account, which opened late Thursday under the Korean username "Uriminzokkiri" meaning "on our own as a nation," calls itself a " page representing the intentions of North and South Koreas and compatriots abroad, who wish for peace, prosperity, and unification of our homeland."

Its profile picture is of the Three Charters for National Reunification Memorial Tower, a 100-foot (30-meter) monument in Pyongyang that "reflects the strong will of the 70 million Korean people to achieve the reunification of the country with their concerted effort."

The account had 65 friends as of Friday. Oh, and the Facebook page, which describes itself as "male, says it is interested in men and is looking for networking."

Oh, hahahahaha! Ya crazy North Korea!

Hmmm, let me see if I've got this straight...Notoriously anti-social Hermit Kingdom, the one with a crazy dwarf dictator who wants to take over the world (or just watch lots of American DVDs while sippin' Hennessy), owner of the world's fourth-largest army, including nuclear weapons, population 23 million—has just 65 friends, is gay, and interested in social networking??

And much of the activity on North Korea's wall happens to include Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez' two-sense, the obligatory "North Korea is best Korea" posts, and of course your random American ranting about how "Kim Jong Dickhead can suck some Red, White, and Blue ass."

Frankly, this looks more like the profile page of a never-been-laid 18-year-old Dungeons & Dragons master still living in his parent's basement, rather than a nuclear-armed deranged totalitarian state with a powerful, decades-old grudge against the rest of the free, normal-sized world.

Oh wait, turns out it North Korea's fabulous quest for some hot man-on-man love and/or Kim Jong II "liking" Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's "Death to the West" status update may not be real after all. Bummerrrrrr!

According to the regime, the hot sexy profiles of Dear Pint-Sized Leader are nothing more than the plots and schemes of some capitalist pigs living in Japan and China, not North Korea, because such salacious social media sites are still banned, plus there is no such thing as gross gays there. Duh.

"We think that there is plenty of misinformation, speculation and sensationalism regarding the reality of North Korea,” North Korea spokesman Cao de Benos tells Forbes. “This is the hypocrisy of a society that calls itself ‘democratic’ but is in reality fearful of the ideological power and influence from our side.”

Hmmm like Dear Leaders Gone Wildly Homo?

But, don't be fooled, “Such websites will never be run by our Government directly," the spokesman said.

I mean there are already 23 million starving slaves willing to pledge their life-long allegiance to Dear Leader a thousand times a day, and they don't even require compensation, monetary, hot man-tail, or otherwise.


But on the bright side, at least we can rest assured knowing World War III won't start all because some douchebag prankster decides to "tag" North Korea in a White House photo.

Instead, it will likely happen when the producers of "K-Town" reject Kim Jong Il's application video. Apparently, the li'l dude's got a thing for The SituASIAN and oddly colored dark-haired midgets whose bright orange glow may or may not be radioactive.

But at least North Korea can stop trying to make South Korea jealous by making out with Taiwan every weekend. They would try hitting up that Snooki girl, but not sure how her boyfriend John McCain would feel about it. And if there's one thing Koreans are taught, it's to always respect the elderly!

(Click to enlarge):

Now You Can Wear Whatever Dumb, Terrible Reason You're Voting Tea Party Right On Your Proud, White Chest!

Do you crave a hot, new look like some phat new gear to ironically display your disgust at the freaky hillbillies and Klansmen running around with Teabags taped to various appendages, while hootin' & hollerin' 'bout how Blacky NObama's big, bad gubmint is bankruptin' America?

Then, these chic new "I'm Voting Tea Party" (fill-in-the-blank with whatever racist and/or ignorant reason people actually choose to support these freaks) is just what the doctor ordered. Before condemning you, Granny, and your special needs precious li'l miracle of God to certain doom at the hands of Obama's roving death squads, of course.

Either way, these fresh TEAriffic t-shirts sure beat the dickens out of those lame "F*ck Tea" ones before 'em, though their hearts were surely in the right place, and by right, we naturally mean those fellow progressives, whose sanity did not disintegrate as soon as a black man took the oath of office.

So grab one today and let the whole world know what retarded thing NObama won't let you do now, or whatever your favorite terribly misguided reason for joining the rest of the borderline psychotics, misfits,  felons, and other white power patriots who make Tea Parties the hot, caffeinated, brown (only after being brewed, don't worry!) stain on society, we elitists with functional IQ levels can't stop slurping up.

Barack Obama won't firebomb innocent border-hopping Mexicans or even eat Muslim babies for breakfast. That's why I'm voting Tea Party. You??

No Country For Embittered Old Men

"America, Arizona we're all struggling. I can't think of a time in my life when we had bigger or more vital issues at stake than today."

In fact, Gramps over here can't remember very much of anything these days!

Ehhh, where was I? Ah, yes...

"The rebuilding of our economy, the security of our nation, our border, and the safety of every citizen in Arizona."

So long as their white, legal, and not streaming 'cross Juarez like a bunch of dirty border-jumpin' cockroaches, John McCain will protect 'em...and he doesn't even need to speak in complete sentences to prove it.

So goes the latest campaign ad from our favorite AARP celebrity, America's grandfather John McCain, appropriately titled "vital" because nothing's more vital than an old man's vital signs failing as he wanders aimlessly through the desert in a demented haze, searching for whatever it is that Alzheimer's ravaged washed-up, almost-octogenarian statesman think they'll find in the parched desert wilderness of the American West (their principles/integrity/soul?).

I sure hope Johnny's not still wandering endless sand dunes looking for his pants. No matter how many times you tell him he's already wearing 'em, he never seems to remember!

And the wild, untamed Arizona desert is certainly no place for a frail old man in a cute "Navy" hat, faded jeans, and button-down blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up all adorable just like Meghan taught him, (ummm,what happened to completing the danged sleeve roll-up!?) to walk limp around all by his lonesome, without fearless, heat-packin' Grizzlies like Sarah or Nazi Governor Jan Brewer to protect him.

Just think of all the dangers Johnny could run into out there, alone in the vast, unforgiving desert! There's snakes, scorpions, spiders, his long-lost, even more ancient relative, the dreaded Gila monster, wild coyotes, and of course, the most spine-tingling threat of 'em all: scary citizenship-seeking brown people from Mexico innocently singing La Bamba en route to destroying America's once pure, beautiful, monochromatic white culture. Arrrrrggggghhhh!

Oh no, the dehydration must have gotten to him first because now Johnny's seeing a mirage: There are happy Arizonans here in the desert with him. And, thankfully they're all-white like him and also very much want to hear what J Mac has to say. That's a very nice thought, old man. Tell them about rebuilding the economy, or maybe how you beat those dang Vietcong with nothing but a piece of twine, your own resolve, and the unshakable belief you can do anything if you really put your mind to it. Cept maybe not crashing your plane deep inside enemy territory and getting captured alive.

"I proudly stood up for our state, (even if I need a nice comfy chair now). Never backed down. My father and grandfather taught me and I've taught my children: service before self. If ever there was a time to honor that code, that time is now. We will get America back on course, we will return Arizona to safety and prosperity. Working together we can improve the lives of every Arizona family."

Err, make that every decent white NATURAL citizen who didn't cross a border or jump on a boat to get here. Or at least had the common decency to do that a loooooooong time ago, before it was bad and everyone hated them for it.

"I appreciate your support, I ask for your vote."

Hell, he'll do just about anything for it (including beg!). Hate Mexicans? Him too! Love guns? Same here! Wanna keep gross gays away from the altar? He's with ya! Can't stand poor people? Ugh, neither can he! Worried about half-black Socialist presidents destroying America? Ditto for Gramps!

Because for John McCain, "character matters." DISCLAIMER: void where prohibited, like when running for political office, during hotly contested Senate primaries, or any other time the whole "character" thing is really more trouble than its worth. Which incidentally, much like his urge to "go" in the middle of the night, happens to be occurring with more and more frequency.

But a hearty thank you to John McCain, the original maverick-turned-Desperado (in the sad, desperate, not Antonio Banderas badass kind of way), for using this wonderful ad to send a very important message to voters: "John McCain: Not Dead Yet!"

You'd be surprised how long you can go on ticking after your mind, soul, principles, and dignity have all long left you. Hell, Dick Cheney can do it without a heart or a pulse, so eat that Johnny! But just remember to take your dentures out first...

Oh and big props to the old man for also enlightening America about the variations among states in their treatment of the elderly.

In Alaska, they set the Old People adrift on an ice floe when they no longer serve a purpose. In Arizona, they apparently take 'em out to the desert to hallucinate & wander aimlessly for the rest of their days, as sweet (and by the looks of it, swift) justice for cruelly wooing Alaskan vultures out of their igloos, and unleashing the scavenging beasts upon the rest of us "fresh carcasses" residing in those parts of the county not yet overrun with moose and/or Mexicans.

But, I sure hope he makes his way home soon…the buzzards are starting to circle. Oh wait never mind, that's just Cindy, Megs, G.I. Jan, SarBear, and the rest of his favoritest gaggle of gal pals. Phew!

Good thing, they prefer their meat a little fresher, without that leathery gristle, and bitter old man aftertaste.

Shakespeare's Sexy Twin, Super Sleuth Sarah Palin, Vomits On Her Blackberry & Calls It A Tweet, Again!

World-famous detective Sarah Palin is on a mission. A mission, this time, not from God, but She-Ra Princess of Power, to find out just who or what nefarious librul forces are behind the terrible hijacking of the term "feminist" (Muslims?), her favoritest phrase in the whole wide world, even if she doesn't really know what it means!

And Lord knows Shakesarah won't stop twitterin' nonsense 'til this ovarian-shrouded mystery is solved once and for all. That, or at least until the English language finally ups & quits and refuses to be embarrassed by this fast-fingered Arctic idiot anymore, 140-character limits be damned!

"Who hijacked term:"feminist"?A cackle of rads who want 2 crucify other women w/whom they disagree on a singular issue; it's ironic (& passé)".

For starters, what the dickens is a "cackle of rads?

Is it a post-new wave British punk band you've never heard of? The charming sound of boisterous laughter coming from the cool kids' table at Bristy's high school back in Wasilla? A terrifying clan of rabid hyenas scouring for prey on the African plains? Chemically reactive atoms, molecules, or ions laughing hysterically while coursing through your bloodstream to give you awful diseases like cancer? Perhaps a series of nonsensical words meaning nothing strung together from some illiterate idiot's Twitter feed, cause it sounds cool 'n funky, and might be worth a buck or two in the future? Slap that badboy on a t-shirt or on the back of Sarah's #1 Grandma mug, and voila, cha-ching!

Or could it be a cabal of freaky hippie-dippie femiNAZIS from Berkeley with hairy legs and underarms who actually believe that women should have the right to decide what to do with their own reproductive organs?

Ewww, gross. No wonder they're all probably angry lezzies since no man would ever want unsightly hair-filled "cackling rads" of vegans and feminist fury. Ha ha, c'mon now, nasty! That's soooooo five decades ago, or as Sarah would say, "passé." She even took the time to look up how to correctly spell that weird, foreigny word that sounds suspiciously French (maybe even Muslim!) on her blackberry, which seems like something an arugula-eating librul elitist might do, not a patriotic freedom-fighter like ol' Mama Grizz over here.

After all, accented letters are probably nothing more than terrorist plots to insert Islam into our language, or at the very least, to bring down English and replace it with some other horrible, tilde-rich language like Mexican or whatever.

But, in honor of the the 90th anniversary of women's suffrage, I suppose the new fearless leader for a woman's right to murder moose is allowed to copy and paste accented words she looked up on the internets when philosophizing on awesome lady issues (like, which color lipstick is best for a hunt?), or how to make lemon meringue pie out of getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your father. Hint: keep the special li'l miracle of God and be thankful you have anything at all, you ungrateful harlot!

Yes, the brave defender of whackjobs with breasts the world over will not rest until every last woman is denied the right to choose whether or not they want to follow in the footsteps of Bristol and have their own precious li'l miracle of one drunken night of unprotected sex in the back of Papa's pickup. So they can also give it some weirdo name before neglecting it for their burgeoning career starring in public service announcements telling poor people to pause before having abortions or sexytime (with Levi?) sans the jimmy hat.

But, still the question remains, how can a sound, such as a cackle want something, let alone do anything, like say, perform an actual crucifixion?

It’s "ironic!" she knows. (Eh, no it’s actually not.) You know what else is ironic in a not ironic sort of way? This same modern day, bra-burning Mama Grizzly turning her feminist fangs towards another helpless, innocent woman crucified by what could only be the same "cackle of rads" after St. Sarah herself.

This time, to help the lovely Dr. Laura Schlessinger flex her feminist mouth muscles in the form of the freedom to spew the N-word on her national radio program  as much as he she damn well pleases, because well, she's a woman, so everyone deserves to hear her roar racist rants.

Hear that America? Sweet Sarah will not sit back and allow Dr. Laura to be muzzled by a bunch of hypersensitive blacktivists who don't approve of a well-known racist dropping the N-bomb 11 times in five minutes to dismiss some dumb, dark-skinned caller’s concerns about the use of the word by her white husband. Umm, maybe next time you should stick to your own stupid race when tying the knot, if you're gonna be all “hypersensitive about color” and lacking “a sense of humor" whenever someone randomly starts shrieking that lovely, not-at-all offensive word that starts with N and rhymes with bigger.

You go girl! Keep empowering those women by defendin' their God-given right to hate black people (and Muslims!), and spew all the racist invectives their cold-white hearts desire on national radio shows, while at the same time bashing those dirty, insensitive Muslims for having the (falafel) balls big enough to build a mosque 4 blocks from hallowed, strip-club dotted Ground Zero and "collectively stab Americans, who still have that lingering pain from 9/11, in the heart."

Woohoo!

Maybe we could take the shackles off Dr. Laura and put them on the dang Muslims instead, so they can't stab White Christian America in the eye anymore for no reason, and Sarah can move on to other pressing women issues like how much you can mouth off before your hubby has the right to smack that dumb smirk right off your face? Answer: Just keep your stinkin' trap shut and speak only when spoken to, got it woman? Oh, and dinner better be waiting when he gets home or else someone's gonna be falling down the stairs again, capisce?

So, happy voting anniversary to all the pretty gals out there (sorry, uglies or fatties don't count as women in Sarah's book). Now get your big ol' behinds back in the kitchen where they belong and let Mama Bear handle the rest.

Don't worry, y'all! Your rights are in good hands, so long as you don't do anything stupid like get knocked up, go to college, get a job, demand equal pay, marry a black man, think Muslims deserve the same religious rights as everyone else, get offended by miserable white wretches shouting "N*gger" on air, have more than a working knowledge of the English language, or want to be represented by someone other than some asinine oxymoron-twitterin' fool, affectionately known to those with brains not Arctic slush between their ears, as a Foxymoron.

So remember ladies. Keep your hair styled, your hoohas ready, and never forget the those three heroes who dedicated their lives to make the world a better, more ism-filled place.

Sarah Palin = Feminism

Timothy McVeigh = Patriotism

Adolf Hitler = Altruism

Sarah Palin Continues To Prove Her Love For America By Showing Her Hatred Of Muslims

Sarah Louise Palin continues to defy reason, logic, our wildest imaginations, and even the basic laws of science on her national quest to make America a dumber, more hateful, intolerant place like her favoritest Russia or Alaska or whatever, by destroying it from the inside out.

Although, to be perfectly honest, one would probably gain more insight into pressing national issues and how our federal government should operate by miking up a wooden table or slice of cheese pizza and asking it questions instead.

Surely, you'd get more than nonsensical, rambling, incoherent, one-word answers that would perhaps be impressive coming from your three-year-old, rather than a full-grown (physically, at least) 46-year-old get-rich-quick-scheme swooping in from the snowy North.

But, lo and behold, the political juggernaut (slice of cheese pizza) known as Mama Grizzly cannot be stopped by prayers, wishes or even clicking your heels three times fast, alone.

Because much like Hurricane Katrina, the 2004 Asian Tsunami, 2010's Haitian Earthquake, or any other natural disaster of epic proportions, this furious Arctic gale wind is a force to be reckoned with. And the best you can do in the event of one of these natural catastrophes is get out of the way, duck & cover, brace yourself for impact, and hope for a miracle.

Sarah Palin Monday night chided President Barack Obama for his support of the right to build the proposed mosque two blocks from Ground Zero in New York, saying, “He just doesn’t get it."

OMG, he like totes doesn't get it! And contrary to what those arugula-eating elitists with their fancy college degrees from accredited institutions may try and tell you, SarBear knows, "Just doesn't get it" ≠ "My argument makes no sense." In fact, "just doesn't get it" is the go-to argument renowned religious studies & political science scholars like Sarah Palin prefer when "refudiating" dummy 'freedom of religion' hogwash by librul presidents who are also secret Muslim Terrorist Socialists.

“It sounds cliched to say that the president is disconnected from the American people on this issue, but how else do you describe it,” the former half-term Alaska GOP governor said on Fox News.

You are soooooooo right, Sar! There is simply no other way to describe the leader of the United States upholding his presidential oath, and defending the very principles this country was founded upon, than by using hackneyed catch phrases that don't really even mean anything to describe his imagined disconnect from ignorant snow drifter blabbermouths who hate everyone and everything that is not pure snow white and Christian.

You want to know who is not totally disconnected from the American people, though? Sarah Palin, that's who! Sure, she lives in the frozen middle of nowhere, thousands of rugged miles from where the vast majority of the other 310 million or so residents of this country live, but that doesn't mean she can't speak on behalf of all Americans, everywhere!

If God didn't intend for Sarah to be THE voice of America, why would He bless her with a hearty voicebox, and make talkin' senseless drivel her #1 bestest skill in the whole, wide world?

“He just doesn’t get it, that this is an insensitive move on the part of those Muslims who want to build that mosque in this location.”

Sarah Palin sure gets it alright! And she is certainly sensitive to the fact that the true greatness of America lies in the monochromatic beauty of its all-white citizenry who worship the same, respectable, monotheistic white Christian deity (like Jesus!), and would never ever commit any transgressions in the name of their God or religious beliefs, because theirs is the most perfect religion ever to grace the face of the Earth, and can do no wrong. Ever!

Those meany-I-don't-care-who-gets-hurt Muslims don't understand these Christian things like decency, compassion, and tolerance of those not exactly the same as you (hmmm, ignorant and white?). Why else would "those Muslims" demand the same constitutional protections afforded to the rest of the population, and the freedom to practice their religion just like everyone else in this country, if they weren't so selfishly insensitive to what uneducated bigots like Sarah want?

“If the purpose of this mosque, as we are lead to believe, is to create this tolerant environment, to avoid anything like a 9/11 ever repeating, you have to ask why didn’t one of those 100 [existing] mosques already accomplish such a thing,” Palin asked. “So I don't buy into that reason, that that's the purpose of this location being chosen."

Hear that, real America?? Sarah does not "buy" this whole hippie-dippie, we-come-in-peace, Muslimy veil of lies and terror!

No matter how many Muslims are decent, hard-working Americans like you and me, who just want to practice their religion peacefully, there are some among us, like Miss Alaskan wonder over here, who refuse to tolerate them, because well, they're still a bunch of jihadist heathens who'd like nothing more than the chance to fly another hijacked plane into some other crowded, landmark building in the middle of the world's most bustling metropolis, and fill the streets with blood and debris. Allah-willing, not on their block, but the other way, toward that other sacred block with the strip clubs, nudie bars, and peep shows.

Perhaps with some actual education, Sarah Palin could understand that “those Muslims” are Americans, too, not some evil anchor babies (all growd up) dropped off by the evil, al-Qaeda stork to hatch their nefarious terrorist plots across America, once they hatch from their terrorist protective shells in the basements of NYC mosques that used to be Burlington Coat Factories.

Then maybe she would also understand that the mosques already there get pretty crowded, and since real cities have lots of different people living in them, who are not just white and Christian, this might also be a good reason to put another one in this location. Besides, 101 is such a lovely number, just think of what it did for those Dalmatians!

Everyone loves dogs, even if they hate Muslims, right?

Besides, maybe this mosque will be the magic one that stamps out extremism, just like all those magic Jesus temples cropping up all over the country to combat pedophilia and the rest of the child sex abuse scandals once plaguing the Catholic church.

So, whaddya say Sarah?

“It feels like a stab in the heart to, collectively, Americans who still have that lingering pain from 9/11.”

Nothing compared to the tiny ol' pin prick it feels like for people who also love America, but simply want to be a part of their own community and practice their own mainstream religious beliefs like everyone else, without being called the evil murderers of people who used to work in said community by dumb airheads blown in along the cold currents of the Arctic circle.

Good thing Sarah's heart is so ice-cold solid, no machete in the world can penetrate its frozen outer shell. I mean, not even normal temperatures can thaw the darn icicle.

Which is good news for the rest of us, because who knows where this country would be if we all started taking advice on how best to restrict religion in the United States from an old slice of AMERICAN cheese pizza left in the freezer too long, otherwise known as Sarah Palin.

We'd surely be in some very deep shit dish, and likely smothered with goat cheese or something gross and Muslimy like that.

Hooray! America's Best Governor (After Sarah Palin) Can Continue Helping The People...Bankrupt Their State From The Comfort Of Home!

Charming ex-Illinois crime boss, popular reality-show contestant, and world famous hair-stylist extraordinaire Rod Blagojevich has been found guilty on only one of the 24 charges against him, the lamest possible one, making a false statement or representation to the FBI (like who hasn't?), with the (braindead?) jury deadlocked on the other 23 counts.

So, now instead of wearing striped pajamas while combing his coif, cold and alone, locked in a steel cell with padded walls (for the rest of his freakin' golden years), Rod Blagojevich faces a measly five years in in his own quaint li'l shack o' steel (oooh I smell a new reality show!), a $250,000 fine, and a retrial.

Justice has been served!

And all of Illinois (and America!) will not be left without the wonderful antics of their favoritest lego-haired celebrity criminal, who is likely planning his victory parade, complete with life-sized, $100,000 floats of his beautiful face, along with lovely wife Patti, throughout Chicago's corrupt Barack Obama/Rahm Emanuel mobster streets.

Hooray!

How the hell did this happen, you ask?

What do you think, they'd come to an actual decision and convict the guy for "fucking nothing?"

Not when they had this golden jury thing going! But for a million bucks a piece (and a guaranteed spot in Blago's next administration), they might be willing to reconsider.

Bidding starts now! Do I hear $50,000?

Bigoted Heroes Across Roadside America Demand Hitler's Evil Twin Barack Obama Promptly Resign Or Immediately Start Bashing Muslims

I don't know about you, but the first thing I think of when I hear the name Barack Hussein Obama is, without doubt, Nazi Führer Adolf Hitler right down the angry li'l Hitler mustache painted above his upper lip

For starters, "Barack" does sound sort of German, particularly if you've never heard a single German word in your entire life, and the two are like identical twins in every possible way.

Both were failed art students/successful law professors, masterminded the mass extermination of an entire race/masterminded accessible health care for an entire nation, both are Christian, have dark hair, human parents, good oratory skills, require food and air, and of course share a deep love for all discriminated minorities, particularly milk-white Aryans/muddled brown Muslims.

The similarities are endless!

Let's not forgot, both Hitler and Obama are responsible for high crimes and misdemeanors, with high crimes naturally being the same thing as "signed legislation passed by Congress that I don't like," and misdemeanors being secret code for "not saying & doing stupid things all the time like our last Grand Old President."

Of course, this latest Obama-Is-A-Nazi-Muslim-Terrorist-Who-Hates-America hysteria all started when Ayatollah Obama made it clear that he doesn't even believe the First Amendment's protection of religious freedom can be suspended or altered whenever Fox News and/or teabag-waving wingnuts demand it for whatever dumb reason they decide this time.

This bastard actually thinks that the First Amendment means even the most terrible religions like gross Islam should be afforded all the same protections as other beautiful, pure religions like Christianity, and to a lesser extent, even Judaism, which is obviously a few notches below.

Yes, Hitler NObama over here thinks it's just fine if Muslims want to build a mosque four blocks away from the hallowed site of an abandoned hole in the Earth known as "Ground Zero" because of lame constitutional "rights" or whatever, so now instead of something sacred and pure like a Burlington Coat Factory, or the various strip clubs, peep shows, off-track betting sites, and nudie bars already dotting the area, America, more specifically, lower Manhattan-venturing Americans will have to endure the pain and suffering of having to look at a horrifying Muslim house of worship and community center during their rush-hour commute to the closest AMERICAN Starbucks.

Good thing some people understand America's centuries-old freedom of religion cannot stand! Too many innocent people were murdered on that fateful, tragic 11th day in September, 2001 to ever continue abiding by the protections laid out in our 219-year-old founding document and basis of the very freedom and democracy this country prides itself on!

To really show the terrorists who's boss, we better abandon the constitutional promise of equality and freedom from oppression, and make America more like Obama's beloved Nazi Germany with a beautiful patchwork quilt of American hate-diversity, courtesy of the brilliant minds of current Grand Old Party leaders, and other anti-Mosque building, Muslim-hatin' freedom fighters.

These steadfast patriots of hate and bigotry understand that their reliable ol' standby of simple queer-bashing just ain't what it used to be, and since you can no longer win elections on anti gay-marriage sentiments alone, hatred, like everything else, too must evolve with the times.

Nobody cares about gay marriages now, but we still have to hate something or somebody or else it’s just not America, or at least not Newt's America.

And who better to hate than all Muslims everywhere because everyone knows anyone who prays to Allah is a secret terrorist waiting to blow themselves up in the middle of Times Square en route to a wild, all-night sexcapade with 72 virgins in the sweet hereafter of blissful Muslim martyrdom.

"You know, Nazis don't have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor. There's no reason for us to accept a mosque next to the World Trade Center," Newt Gingrich told Fox News.

Yes, we would never accept a Japanese monument at Pearl Harbor, save for that one Shinto Shrine less than 5 miles from the resting place of the USS Arizona, and all the various Japanese community centers contaminating Honolulu...

But seriously, ugh! I mean why should we have to accept all these inferior, non-Christian heathens building their terrorist temples within our beautiful borders, from sea-to-shining-sea.

If only we lived in Nazi Germany instead of terrible, mosque-building, free America! Then we wouldn't have to deal with silly things like "free speech." **Shudder!**

And then maybe we wouldn't have to live under a despotic president who actually governs based on principles, not fear-based, hate-fueled, cheap, misguided political whims of those desperate for power.

Just look at what Adolf Obama said at Friday's White House dinner honoring the evil Muslimy fasting holiday Ramadan:

Recently, attention has been focused on the construction of mosques in certain communities - particularly in New York. Now, we must all recognize and respect the sensitivities surrounding the development of lower Manhattan. The 9/11 attacks were a deeply traumatic event for our country. The pain and suffering experienced by those who lost loved ones is unimaginable. So I understand the emotions that this issue engenders. Ground Zero is, indeed, hallowed ground. But let me be clear: as a citizen, and as President, I believe that Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as anyone else in this country. That includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances. This is America, and our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakeable. The principle that people of all faiths are welcome in this country, and will not be treated differently by their government, is essential to who we are. The writ of our Founders must endure.

OMG, this guy couldn't be any more like Hitler if he tried. They're practically indistinguishable from each other right down to their mutual love of constitutional protections, freedom, lederhosen and the Muslim community (wait, or was it Aryan?). Whatever, as long as it isn't those pesky Jews. Hey, anything's better than those greedy Torah-huggers, right??

And as if any more proof was needed that U.S. President Barack Obama and Third Reich psychopath Adolf Hitler are one-and-the-same, right down to the signature 'stash Teabaggers have taken upon themselves to draw on various Barry portraits appearing in neighborly demonstrations of communal bigotry in small, white towns across America, consider this little indisputable piece of evidence:

Basketball--Obama's #1 favoritest sport--was introduced into the Olympics in 1936. And do you know who hosted the 1936 Olympic Games?? ADOLF HITLER, that's who!! But, that's not even the half of it, mwhahahahaha!

Take the word "basketball," remove the "t," toss out the "ball" and what do you have?? BASKE, which is like almost the same thing as, and practically indistinguishable from MOSQUE.

Now, other than a birth certificate (or certificate of live birth) with the Führer's signature on the dotted paternal line, does a person really need any more proof than this?

Awwww, HEIL no!

Much Like Jesus, Levi Johnston's Higher Calling Consists Of Running For Political Office, Fully Clothed, On Reality TV

OMG America! Now that Levi and Bristol's heart-warming, 15 minute simultaneous engagement/un-engagement on the cover of tween tabloid US Weekly is officially over (or at least for the next few days), America has been waiting breathlessly for something, anything to keep us going without our two favoritest dysfunctional Arctic lovebirds by our side to keep us feelin' all nice 'n toasty numb & hypothermic inside.

Chilling isn't it?

But now that Levi's latest gig sledding to the altar with that one Bristol chick he knocked up back in Wasilla (not to be confused with a couple others dotted 'cross the frosty frontier) with the crazy, awful mother who was also a famous leader of the same terrible abandoned meth lab city is no more, how else will this still-inexplicably likable, fertile teenage fame-whore continue making moose piles of money off the gut-wrenching tale of this one terrible Alaskan family he's always blabbing 'bout, then apologizin' to on teevee and in magazines every other day?

Why, by following in the very footsteps as a certain go-gettin' mother-in-law, and running for mayor of the same awful town that foisted the wretched woman upon the rest of the world in the first place, of course!

Hooray!

After all, something needs to keep this boy in the spotlight, or before we know it, it will be back to turning tricks with his Johnson in Playgirl for Levi.

And if some people in charge of a television network happened to want to follow Mr. Johnston around with cameras and grips, while he embarked upon his likely long, fruitful political career, and also give him and his bodyguard manager "Tank" Jones a bunch of money for their services, well then who is Levi to stop them? It would be un-American!

Just look what the #1 magazine for Alaskan city politics, Variety had to say about Levi and his totally genuine reality TV mayoral run that has nothing to do with getting even with Sarah or Bristy or anything like that.

VARIETY: Where did the idea for this show come from? What's it going to look like?

LEVI JOHNSTON: Obviously running for mayor is the big part of the show. A little bit of that I’m going to have my boys, I’ll have my life in Hollywood, I’ll be back in Alaska. It’s hard to figure me out. You’ve got to follow me around. I’m very different. I live a crazy life. Basically it will be both worlds. My life in Hollywood and back home, the real country boy that I am.

VARIETY: What happens if you actually get elected?

JOHNSTON: Then I’m the new mayor. I will serve, the whole thing.

VARIETY: What did you think of this idea of running for mayor?

JOHNSTON: The first time I heard it, I got to be honest, I wasn’t thrilled about it. The thought never crossed my mind. But the more I think about it and look into it, I think there is a possibility we can make this happen. It’s something I want to do.

VARIETY: Do you have any ideas on what can make Wasilla a better place?

JOHNSTON: That’s for the show.

VARIETY: That mayoral position in Wasilla can be a launching pad for a bigger career in politics, as a certain former mayor has shown. Do you harbor further political aspirations?

TANK JONES: We’re going to go for governor after mayor. I’m the campaign manager. If we successfully do the mayor thing, we’re going to do the governorship. We’re not trying to copy anybody, but we feel he can better serve these two positions that have been so light for so long. He’s going to come in and try to help the people.

VARIETY: Levi, what do you think the reaction is going to be from the Palin camp when they hear that you’re running for political office?

JONES: Who?

VARIETY: There’s been a lot of talk about you pursuing different reality projects. What’s your reason for doing a reality show?

JOHNSTON: I just think it’s going to be a lot of fun. I’ve watched a lot of different reality TV and this is totally different. No reality show like this has been done like this. I want people to get to know who I really am. I’m just trying to send a message to America about who I really am and what I want to do with my life.

VARIETY: Who are you then?

JOHNSTON: Half redneck, half Hollywood.

Asked whether he believed people would take Johnston's run for office seriously, with TV cameras rolling, Jones said, "People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston...People can question whatever they want. I mean, he’s going to keep on doing his thing,” he said. “He was going to do this, even if this wasn’t a reality show.”

When God asked Jesus to be a bright shining, crucified star, he never asked why did he?? No, he did not, he took his frankincense and myrrh, and gratefully went on his divine, martyrdom way.

But what does the current mayor of the abandoned used car factory Wasilla think about Levi's desire to run, all because this other idiot who also happens to be his bastard son's sketchy ol' granny did it this one time?

Mayor Verne E. Rupright tells Entertainment Tonight, “Well, it is a little early to declare. Usually most wait until the year the seat is up. But since I am nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that!”

What are you special needs or something?? Need I remind you that in Wasilla "being nearly old enough" to be somebody's grandfather is when you're approximately 25 years old, just completed your GED, and/or 10th tattoo (whatever comes first), and have at least two children (that you know of) with two different teenage mothers.

Plus, it really helps if you're only interested in running an actual frozen town in the middle of nowhere when the lights are on, the camera is rolling, and your once-lucrative job announcing your engagement and un-engagement and re-engagement and re-re-engagement on trashy tabloid covers just ain't what it used to be.

Hell, even Jesus Christ knew when it was time to walk away, and he didn't have God, or the voices in Sarah Palin's head, or even Tank Jones to guide him.

A truer self-made man(whore) livin' the American dream scheme, there never was!

Bill O' Reilly Is Utterly Offended That The One Thing Glenn Beck Refuses To Act Like A Deranged Mental Patient About Is Gross Gay Marriage

OMG, get your tuxes out, (gay) ladies and gentleman who reside in the soon-to-be same-sex cesspool of sin & sodomy of Gayifornia!

A week after permanently destroying the moral fabric of America with one stroke of his Prop 8-killing gavel, Judge Vaughn Walker, elitist liberal activist Judge Vaughn Walker has struck at the heart of hetero America once again.

But don't worry, because gay Californians will not be able to ruin America with their marriage smut until August 18th doomsday. Then, gays and lesbians can feel free to fill up City Halls across the Golden State, where they will finally be able to do gross things like exchange "vows" in front of highly impressionable, horrified women, children, and elderly nursing home residents.

Thank heavens there are still some people who are not willing to just sit back and watch as America goes down the gay nuptial drain.

Brave, decent pillars of morality like Papa Bear Bill O' Reilly, who invited fellow Fox News hero Glenn Beck on his show to discuss this latest attack on decency and freedom in the form of committed, monogamous federally recognized unions of matrimony...with the wrong penis-vagina ratios!

Until the unthinkable happened. The usually reliably insane, tear-producing, hate-spewing, gay bashing, freedom-fighting rodeo clown of the wingnut right Glenn Lee Beck suddenly morphed into some arugula-eating, family-values destroying liberal who doesn't even think the end of civilization will come from Adam and Steve sashaying to the altar in matching, color coordinated Valentino suits. This absurd lapse into coherent sanity cannot stand! It makes Papa Bear O' Reilly quite uncomfortable, which in turn, makes the whole world uncomfortable!

Why doesn't Beck cover culture-war issues or feel even the slightest bit threatened by this frightening man-on-man menace? Could he be one of them?? Why doesn't he get all hot 'n bothered, purplish red with rage like ol' Billy over here?

The man would like to know!

“Do you believe—do you believe that gay marriage is a threat to the country in any way?” O’Reilly asked.

"A threat to the country? No, I don't," Beck said, laughing, adding mockingly, "Will the gays come and get us?" And thus the strange pattern of Glenn Beck making sense continues.
 
"Honestly, I think we have bigger fish to fry," Beck said. "You can argue about abortion or gay marriage or whatever all you want. The country is burning down..." he said, adding that marriage "is a religious right" and "I don't think the government has anything to do with it." 

Channeling his inner Thomas Jefferson, one of his many founding father heroes, Beck replied, "If it neither breaks my leg, nor picks my pocket, what difference is it to me?"

Well this just about makes Papa Bear lose it altogether, and fly into one of his signature vein popping, ('roid fueled?) nationally televised rages, usually reserved for teleprompters and interns only.

What makes dumb ol' deranged Glenny Beck so God damn special that he can get his crazy viewers to still tune in for reasons other than to get all riled up about their ol' culture-crushing mainstays, fetuses and queers?

Why does he think it's a-okay to report on very important Calvin Coolidge news, yet all-but "ignore the profound change in the American family" caused by these marauding, marriage-obsessed abominations before God?

What makes him so wonderfully immune to the rest of the whackjobs and wingnuts all the other esteemed Fox News team is held captive by, and must constantly nourish with lies, prejudice and hate, or risk losing their status as the #1 highest rated news show among the senile 85+ crowd, in the whole wide world?

Ugh, if only crazy came as naturally to him as it does to America's blonde haired, blue-eyed angel of truthiness and psychotropic-induced reason!

This really ticks old salty dog O'Reilly off. But don't fret Papa Bear! Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

For the remaining 1438 minutes, just do what you usually do. Foam at the mouth growling with seething rage until the next dopey pinhead sitting across from you says something sooooooo compassionate about gays, liberals, or Jennifer Aniston, that your big Papa Bear grizzly head pops right off its beautifully red-hot vein-bulging neck.

In other words, comes unhinged.