Bigoted Heroes Across Roadside America Demand Hitler's Evil Twin Barack Obama Promptly Resign Or Immediately Start Bashing Muslims

I don't know about you, but the first thing I think of when I hear the name Barack Hussein Obama is, without doubt, Nazi Führer Adolf Hitler right down the angry li'l Hitler mustache painted above his upper lip

For starters, "Barack" does sound sort of German, particularly if you've never heard a single German word in your entire life, and the two are like identical twins in every possible way.

Both were failed art students/successful law professors, masterminded the mass extermination of an entire race/masterminded accessible health care for an entire nation, both are Christian, have dark hair, human parents, good oratory skills, require food and air, and of course share a deep love for all discriminated minorities, particularly milk-white Aryans/muddled brown Muslims.

The similarities are endless!

Let's not forgot, both Hitler and Obama are responsible for high crimes and misdemeanors, with high crimes naturally being the same thing as "signed legislation passed by Congress that I don't like," and misdemeanors being secret code for "not saying & doing stupid things all the time like our last Grand Old President."

Of course, this latest Obama-Is-A-Nazi-Muslim-Terrorist-Who-Hates-America hysteria all started when Ayatollah Obama made it clear that he doesn't even believe the First Amendment's protection of religious freedom can be suspended or altered whenever Fox News and/or teabag-waving wingnuts demand it for whatever dumb reason they decide this time.

This bastard actually thinks that the First Amendment means even the most terrible religions like gross Islam should be afforded all the same protections as other beautiful, pure religions like Christianity, and to a lesser extent, even Judaism, which is obviously a few notches below.

Yes, Hitler NObama over here thinks it's just fine if Muslims want to build a mosque four blocks away from the hallowed site of an abandoned hole in the Earth known as "Ground Zero" because of lame constitutional "rights" or whatever, so now instead of something sacred and pure like a Burlington Coat Factory, or the various strip clubs, peep shows, off-track betting sites, and nudie bars already dotting the area, America, more specifically, lower Manhattan-venturing Americans will have to endure the pain and suffering of having to look at a horrifying Muslim house of worship and community center during their rush-hour commute to the closest AMERICAN Starbucks.

Good thing some people understand America's centuries-old freedom of religion cannot stand! Too many innocent people were murdered on that fateful, tragic 11th day in September, 2001 to ever continue abiding by the protections laid out in our 219-year-old founding document and basis of the very freedom and democracy this country prides itself on!

To really show the terrorists who's boss, we better abandon the constitutional promise of equality and freedom from oppression, and make America more like Obama's beloved Nazi Germany with a beautiful patchwork quilt of American hate-diversity, courtesy of the brilliant minds of current Grand Old Party leaders, and other anti-Mosque building, Muslim-hatin' freedom fighters.

These steadfast patriots of hate and bigotry understand that their reliable ol' standby of simple queer-bashing just ain't what it used to be, and since you can no longer win elections on anti gay-marriage sentiments alone, hatred, like everything else, too must evolve with the times.

Nobody cares about gay marriages now, but we still have to hate something or somebody or else it’s just not America, or at least not Newt's America.

And who better to hate than all Muslims everywhere because everyone knows anyone who prays to Allah is a secret terrorist waiting to blow themselves up in the middle of Times Square en route to a wild, all-night sexcapade with 72 virgins in the sweet hereafter of blissful Muslim martyrdom.

"You know, Nazis don't have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor. There's no reason for us to accept a mosque next to the World Trade Center," Newt Gingrich told Fox News.

Yes, we would never accept a Japanese monument at Pearl Harbor, save for that one Shinto Shrine less than 5 miles from the resting place of the USS Arizona, and all the various Japanese community centers contaminating Honolulu...

But seriously, ugh! I mean why should we have to accept all these inferior, non-Christian heathens building their terrorist temples within our beautiful borders, from sea-to-shining-sea.

If only we lived in Nazi Germany instead of terrible, mosque-building, free America! Then we wouldn't have to deal with silly things like "free speech." **Shudder!**

And then maybe we wouldn't have to live under a despotic president who actually governs based on principles, not fear-based, hate-fueled, cheap, misguided political whims of those desperate for power.

Just look at what Adolf Obama said at Friday's White House dinner honoring the evil Muslimy fasting holiday Ramadan:

Recently, attention has been focused on the construction of mosques in certain communities - particularly in New York. Now, we must all recognize and respect the sensitivities surrounding the development of lower Manhattan. The 9/11 attacks were a deeply traumatic event for our country. The pain and suffering experienced by those who lost loved ones is unimaginable. So I understand the emotions that this issue engenders. Ground Zero is, indeed, hallowed ground. But let me be clear: as a citizen, and as President, I believe that Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as anyone else in this country. That includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances. This is America, and our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakeable. The principle that people of all faiths are welcome in this country, and will not be treated differently by their government, is essential to who we are. The writ of our Founders must endure.

OMG, this guy couldn't be any more like Hitler if he tried. They're practically indistinguishable from each other right down to their mutual love of constitutional protections, freedom, lederhosen and the Muslim community (wait, or was it Aryan?). Whatever, as long as it isn't those pesky Jews. Hey, anything's better than those greedy Torah-huggers, right??

And as if any more proof was needed that U.S. President Barack Obama and Third Reich psychopath Adolf Hitler are one-and-the-same, right down to the signature 'stash Teabaggers have taken upon themselves to draw on various Barry portraits appearing in neighborly demonstrations of communal bigotry in small, white towns across America, consider this little indisputable piece of evidence:

Basketball--Obama's #1 favoritest sport--was introduced into the Olympics in 1936. And do you know who hosted the 1936 Olympic Games?? ADOLF HITLER, that's who!! But, that's not even the half of it, mwhahahahaha!

Take the word "basketball," remove the "t," toss out the "ball" and what do you have?? BASKE, which is like almost the same thing as, and practically indistinguishable from MOSQUE.

Now, other than a birth certificate (or certificate of live birth) with the Führer's signature on the dotted paternal line, does a person really need any more proof than this?

Awwww, HEIL no!

Much Like Jesus, Levi Johnston's Higher Calling Consists Of Running For Political Office, Fully Clothed, On Reality TV

OMG America! Now that Levi and Bristol's heart-warming, 15 minute simultaneous engagement/un-engagement on the cover of tween tabloid US Weekly is officially over (or at least for the next few days), America has been waiting breathlessly for something, anything to keep us going without our two favoritest dysfunctional Arctic lovebirds by our side to keep us feelin' all nice 'n toasty numb & hypothermic inside.

Chilling isn't it?

But now that Levi's latest gig sledding to the altar with that one Bristol chick he knocked up back in Wasilla (not to be confused with a couple others dotted 'cross the frosty frontier) with the crazy, awful mother who was also a famous leader of the same terrible abandoned meth lab city is no more, how else will this still-inexplicably likable, fertile teenage fame-whore continue making moose piles of money off the gut-wrenching tale of this one terrible Alaskan family he's always blabbing 'bout, then apologizin' to on teevee and in magazines every other day?

Why, by following in the very footsteps as a certain go-gettin' mother-in-law, and running for mayor of the same awful town that foisted the wretched woman upon the rest of the world in the first place, of course!

Hooray!

After all, something needs to keep this boy in the spotlight, or before we know it, it will be back to turning tricks with his Johnson in Playgirl for Levi.

And if some people in charge of a television network happened to want to follow Mr. Johnston around with cameras and grips, while he embarked upon his likely long, fruitful political career, and also give him and his bodyguard manager "Tank" Jones a bunch of money for their services, well then who is Levi to stop them? It would be un-American!

Just look what the #1 magazine for Alaskan city politics, Variety had to say about Levi and his totally genuine reality TV mayoral run that has nothing to do with getting even with Sarah or Bristy or anything like that.

VARIETY: Where did the idea for this show come from? What's it going to look like?

LEVI JOHNSTON: Obviously running for mayor is the big part of the show. A little bit of that I’m going to have my boys, I’ll have my life in Hollywood, I’ll be back in Alaska. It’s hard to figure me out. You’ve got to follow me around. I’m very different. I live a crazy life. Basically it will be both worlds. My life in Hollywood and back home, the real country boy that I am.

VARIETY: What happens if you actually get elected?

JOHNSTON: Then I’m the new mayor. I will serve, the whole thing.

VARIETY: What did you think of this idea of running for mayor?

JOHNSTON: The first time I heard it, I got to be honest, I wasn’t thrilled about it. The thought never crossed my mind. But the more I think about it and look into it, I think there is a possibility we can make this happen. It’s something I want to do.

VARIETY: Do you have any ideas on what can make Wasilla a better place?

JOHNSTON: That’s for the show.

VARIETY: That mayoral position in Wasilla can be a launching pad for a bigger career in politics, as a certain former mayor has shown. Do you harbor further political aspirations?

TANK JONES: We’re going to go for governor after mayor. I’m the campaign manager. If we successfully do the mayor thing, we’re going to do the governorship. We’re not trying to copy anybody, but we feel he can better serve these two positions that have been so light for so long. He’s going to come in and try to help the people.

VARIETY: Levi, what do you think the reaction is going to be from the Palin camp when they hear that you’re running for political office?

JONES: Who?

VARIETY: There’s been a lot of talk about you pursuing different reality projects. What’s your reason for doing a reality show?

JOHNSTON: I just think it’s going to be a lot of fun. I’ve watched a lot of different reality TV and this is totally different. No reality show like this has been done like this. I want people to get to know who I really am. I’m just trying to send a message to America about who I really am and what I want to do with my life.

VARIETY: Who are you then?

JOHNSTON: Half redneck, half Hollywood.

Asked whether he believed people would take Johnston's run for office seriously, with TV cameras rolling, Jones said, "People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston...People can question whatever they want. I mean, he’s going to keep on doing his thing,” he said. “He was going to do this, even if this wasn’t a reality show.”

When God asked Jesus to be a bright shining, crucified star, he never asked why did he?? No, he did not, he took his frankincense and myrrh, and gratefully went on his divine, martyrdom way.

But what does the current mayor of the abandoned used car factory Wasilla think about Levi's desire to run, all because this other idiot who also happens to be his bastard son's sketchy ol' granny did it this one time?

Mayor Verne E. Rupright tells Entertainment Tonight, “Well, it is a little early to declare. Usually most wait until the year the seat is up. But since I am nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that!”

What are you special needs or something?? Need I remind you that in Wasilla "being nearly old enough" to be somebody's grandfather is when you're approximately 25 years old, just completed your GED, and/or 10th tattoo (whatever comes first), and have at least two children (that you know of) with two different teenage mothers.

Plus, it really helps if you're only interested in running an actual frozen town in the middle of nowhere when the lights are on, the camera is rolling, and your once-lucrative job announcing your engagement and un-engagement and re-engagement and re-re-engagement on trashy tabloid covers just ain't what it used to be.

Hell, even Jesus Christ knew when it was time to walk away, and he didn't have God, or the voices in Sarah Palin's head, or even Tank Jones to guide him.

A truer self-made man(whore) livin' the American dream scheme, there never was!

Bill O' Reilly Is Utterly Offended That The One Thing Glenn Beck Refuses To Act Like A Deranged Mental Patient About Is Gross Gay Marriage

OMG, get your tuxes out, (gay) ladies and gentleman who reside in the soon-to-be same-sex cesspool of sin & sodomy of Gayifornia!

A week after permanently destroying the moral fabric of America with one stroke of his Prop 8-killing gavel, Judge Vaughn Walker, elitist liberal activist Judge Vaughn Walker has struck at the heart of hetero America once again.

But don't worry, because gay Californians will not be able to ruin America with their marriage smut until August 18th doomsday. Then, gays and lesbians can feel free to fill up City Halls across the Golden State, where they will finally be able to do gross things like exchange "vows" in front of highly impressionable, horrified women, children, and elderly nursing home residents.

Thank heavens there are still some people who are not willing to just sit back and watch as America goes down the gay nuptial drain.

Brave, decent pillars of morality like Papa Bear Bill O' Reilly, who invited fellow Fox News hero Glenn Beck on his show to discuss this latest attack on decency and freedom in the form of committed, monogamous federally recognized unions of matrimony...with the wrong penis-vagina ratios!

Until the unthinkable happened. The usually reliably insane, tear-producing, hate-spewing, gay bashing, freedom-fighting rodeo clown of the wingnut right Glenn Lee Beck suddenly morphed into some arugula-eating, family-values destroying liberal who doesn't even think the end of civilization will come from Adam and Steve sashaying to the altar in matching, color coordinated Valentino suits. This absurd lapse into coherent sanity cannot stand! It makes Papa Bear O' Reilly quite uncomfortable, which in turn, makes the whole world uncomfortable!

Why doesn't Beck cover culture-war issues or feel even the slightest bit threatened by this frightening man-on-man menace? Could he be one of them?? Why doesn't he get all hot 'n bothered, purplish red with rage like ol' Billy over here?

The man would like to know!

“Do you believe—do you believe that gay marriage is a threat to the country in any way?” O’Reilly asked.

"A threat to the country? No, I don't," Beck said, laughing, adding mockingly, "Will the gays come and get us?" And thus the strange pattern of Glenn Beck making sense continues.
 
"Honestly, I think we have bigger fish to fry," Beck said. "You can argue about abortion or gay marriage or whatever all you want. The country is burning down..." he said, adding that marriage "is a religious right" and "I don't think the government has anything to do with it." 

Channeling his inner Thomas Jefferson, one of his many founding father heroes, Beck replied, "If it neither breaks my leg, nor picks my pocket, what difference is it to me?"

Well this just about makes Papa Bear lose it altogether, and fly into one of his signature vein popping, ('roid fueled?) nationally televised rages, usually reserved for teleprompters and interns only.

What makes dumb ol' deranged Glenny Beck so God damn special that he can get his crazy viewers to still tune in for reasons other than to get all riled up about their ol' culture-crushing mainstays, fetuses and queers?

Why does he think it's a-okay to report on very important Calvin Coolidge news, yet all-but "ignore the profound change in the American family" caused by these marauding, marriage-obsessed abominations before God?

What makes him so wonderfully immune to the rest of the whackjobs and wingnuts all the other esteemed Fox News team is held captive by, and must constantly nourish with lies, prejudice and hate, or risk losing their status as the #1 highest rated news show among the senile 85+ crowd, in the whole wide world?

Ugh, if only crazy came as naturally to him as it does to America's blonde haired, blue-eyed angel of truthiness and psychotropic-induced reason!

This really ticks old salty dog O'Reilly off. But don't fret Papa Bear! Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

For the remaining 1438 minutes, just do what you usually do. Foam at the mouth growling with seething rage until the next dopey pinhead sitting across from you says something sooooooo compassionate about gays, liberals, or Jennifer Aniston, that your big Papa Bear grizzly head pops right off its beautifully red-hot vein-bulging neck.

In other words, comes unhinged.

With $600 Million Dollars, Why Not Just Hire The Hard-Working, Industrious Mexicans To Build A Bigger Wall?

If You Build It, They Won't Come!

Hooray, America! Congress has saved the nation from the menacing brown threat streaming uncontrollably in from the sun 'n drug-soaked south to steal our jobs, sex-up our supple wives & daughters, and show us dumb gringos how a real Salsa Verde is made.

So now that Congress has passed this $600 million border security bill, sending tons o' troops and weapons and laser-powered death beams to defeat this swarthy Spanish enemy, and everyone is still buzzin' from all this yummy war stuff, will Republicans find it in their tea-soaked, terror-filled hearts to actually work with gross, terrible Democrats on comprehensive immigration reform, as promised?

Ha ha, dream on mis amigos!

The Grand Old Position on immigration reform has gone something like this: Secure the border immediately, and then we'll talk about all this boring, attention-to-detail stuff like how to actually deal with the problem instead of enacting scary, discriminatory bye bye brown people laws in parched desert, now Whites-Only states like Aryanzona.

Now that the Republicans have gotten their awesome $600 million in star-spangled 'splosives and smart bombs, as well as "1,500 new border personnel, a pair of unmanned drones and military-style bases along the border," surely they'll be ready to sit down and participate in a bipartisan discussion on immigration, like actual adults elected to the world's greatest deliberative body, whose job is to do these weird, annoying cooperation things, not act like petulant schoolchildren who got budged in line for the slide.

"In my many meetings with folks on the other side of the aisle to try to gain their support for comprehensive reform, I repeatedly heard them say that once we showed we were serious about passing border security legislation, they would be able to begin working with us to fix other aspects of our broken immigration system," said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), the Democrats' point person on immigration reform.

"It is my hope that the bill we are passing today will break the deadlock that has existed in Congress and will clear the path for us to finally resume bipartisan negotiations in good faith," Schumer said. "With this bill's passage today we have clearly shown we are serious about securing our nation's borders."

Yes, Chuck, we certainly see your seriousness and applaud you for your valiant efforts. And much like you, we too hope for resumed (wait, doesn't that imply that it ever existed in the first place?) bipartisan negotiations. We pray for it every night before bed, right after saying a special prayer to keep Granny and li'l Johnny down the street safe from NObama's roving death squads!

But, as energy, financial and health care reform efforts, not to mention unemployment benefits, the stimulus, environment, and basically every major piece of legislation before it have shown, taking the Republicans at their word makes about as much sense as Stalin trusting Hitler not to pull some insane double-cross invasion, or taking British Petroleum's word that the leak is plugged, the oil spill is under control, and the devastation has been kept to a minimum. By minimum, we mean only half the Gulf has been transformed into a glistening wonderland of crude oil and marine carcasses.

And judging by the past actions of this curious batch of Republicans, who care about this country so much they're are willing to do whatever it takes to destroy it, along with its awful, chocolatey-hued Kenyan leader, the Democrats' trust in the Republicans' willingness to do anything in good-faith ('cept impeach that no-good Socialist bastard in the not-so White House) seems a tad naive and ill advised.

Failing to give the GOP their immigration cake (chocolate-free like they like it!) without securing anything concrete in exchange, like say, a firm commitment to vote "yes" on any comprehensive legislation, will likely just lead the esteemed patriots on the right to demand more delicious birthday cake, then exotic pineapple upside down cake, then fancy-schmancy seven-tiered wedding cake, then who knows, maybe ice cream cake, or probably a whole different dessert altogether (flan?), until eventually they just say, "eh, cake is for Marie Antoinette and other elitist socialists like Michelle Obama only, so screw your damn frosted circle of sweet, moist deliciousness, and stupid immigration reform too!"

Following which, they will immediately return to their brilliant, fail-proof strategy of filibustering everything, while simultaneously whining (or if it's Glenn Beck, weeping) about being excluded from the process by meany Democrats until they are swept back into power by the easily-duped voters who suddenly think balancing the budget is best done by hemorrhaging money every which way, except into the hands of the people.

But on the bright side, at least you don't run the risk of some crumbs falling into the hands of dirty Mexicans!

I mean who wants to eat churros or tres leches cake anyway?

And knowing them, they'll probably take delicious American apple pie and turn it into something gross and Mexicany, like apple paella!

¡Aye Carumba!

Woohoo! Maine Tea Party 'Movment' Ready To Mov Forward, With Or Without The Elitist Letter "E"

Mov Forward Amerika!

Justin Timberlake can bring all the sexy back he wants, so long as he leaves bringin' dem good ol' fashioned red meat family-values back to those who understand such things, like the Teabaggers at the Maine Lobsterback Festival.

These patriotic freedom fighters aren't just putting the "Red" back in "Lobster," they're taking the "E" out of "Movement," because the letter E is clearly for Elitist arugula-eating Socialists who hate America.

Prompting one festival-goer to wonder just who's responsible for this umm, shall we say, creative free-market approach to the English language.

“I am half hoping that the guy at Kinko’s who made their banner did this on purpose, but the Maine Tea Party is just probably that stupid.”

Stupid is as stupid duhz. That, or they just enjoy adding letters where they don't belong and omitting them where they do.

Crayzee Teebahggurz.

One thing's for sure, they certainly put the "e" in retard.

Newt Gingrich: Everything You'd Expect From A Slimy, Swamp Creature Devoid Of Human Emotions Trying To Slither His Way Into The White House

Slimy, bigoted, power-starved Republican presidential hopeful (or just another Grand Ol' Pretender?) Newt Gingrich, is the esteemed subject of a new Esquire profile in which his spurned, totally not pretty enough to keep, second-wife dishes the dirt about their 2000 divorce, leading of course to his third (and maybe even last!) happy marriage with a new wifey, and how Newt simply adores cheating on his various wives, special bonus if they're bed-ridden in a hospital dying from cancer. Hotttttttt!

And after a self-imposed twelve-year exile into silence, you better believe Marianne Gingrich is ready to diiiiiish on all sorts of awful, disturbing things you kinda wish you didn't know about Republican's Numero Uno amphibian adulterer, and if all goes well, possible White House occupant come 2012. Ooooh, keep your fingers crossed!

Because who better to lead this blessed country back from the Obyss than that special kind of asshole, the kind that only comes around every precious few years as a cautious reminder about the dangers of power in the hands of incomprehensibly selfish, morally-devoid, self-serving hypocritical egomaniacs, with all the integrity you'd expect from the rest of the insane, scary people currently calling themselves Teabaggers (or is Republicans? I can never tell anymore!) proving themselves patriots by spitting on the constitution, randomly throwing out as many Nazi and Hitler references as time permits, warning America against the evil threat of Comrade Barry's Socialist Democratic plot to insure poor people, and of course, the scourge of all no-good minorities, like terrible A-rabs, Mexicans, Homos, and anyone who so much even look like
gross, terrible Muslims.

So, while Newt is off scaring people about Muslims and Mexicans, like a real patriotic American, ex-wifey number 2 sat down with a magazine reporter in Florida to give the American public some insight into the slippery man behind the ridiculous Salamander name.

It is no secret that a couple years ago, Newt finally admitted what everyone already knew: He had been messing around on his second wife, Marianne, with his soon-to-be third, much younger, hotter wife, Callista, all the while leading the Republican moral crusade to impeach Bill Clinton for catching a couple of BJ's in the Oval Office from a certain very eager intern whose skill sets included a special kind of lip service and one-on-one attention to detail.

Which I suppose isn't too far out of character for a man who not only cheated on his first wife, but was chivalrous enough to present her with divorce papers while she was laid up in a hospital bed recovering from uterine cancer. Or even better, kindly asked his second-wife Marianne to "tolerate" the tiny, little affair he was having behind her back, like a good li'l Stepford wife who keeps her mouth shut and speaks only when spoken to.

He wanted to talk in person, he said.
"I said, 'No, we need to talk now.' "
He went quiet.
"There's somebody else, isn't there?"
She kind of guessed it, of course. Women usually do. But did she know the woman was in her apartment, eating off her plates, sleeping in her bed?
She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. " 'I can't handle a Jaguar right now.' He said that many times. 'All I want is a Chevrolet.' "
He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.
He'd just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he'd given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.
The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, "How do you give that speech and do what you're doing?"
"It doesn't matter what I do," he answered. "People need to hear what I have to say. There's no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn't matter what I live."

Ummm, okay, the whole cheating thing aside, what kind of mega-creep uses some f**king car metaphor to describe anything, let alone his reasons for abandoning his “closest advisor” and old-hag-of-a-wife after 18-years to go play house with his newest prize, a hot li'l blond 23 years his junior, who apparently is very much like a Chevy when you get to know her??

Seriously gross, but yeah, judging by his vehicular analogy alone, divorce was probably a good idea.

Anyway, Marianne goes on to say that despite Newt's public preaching "family values" and constant shrieking about President Obama’s “secular, socialist machine” threatening to destroy America, the former House Speaker never really cared if he was a walking contradiction who would do and say anything to get ahead.

“He believes that what he says in public and how he lives don’t have to be connected,” Marianne said.


Perhaps this ability to freely commit the very sins he so fervently rails against comes from the "fabulous" childhood he conjured up, complete with "lots of relatives, lots of complexity, lots of sugar pies, when I could talk my aunt and grandmother into making them. They had an old-fashioned cast-iron stove where you cut wood..."

In reality, Newt grew up on a series of Army bases in Kansas, Georgia, France, and Germany, with a mother who left his father shortly after marrying him, struggled with manic depression most of her life (which may help explain his name?), and a stepfather, who as an infantry officer, viewed his "plump, nearsighted, flat-footed son as unfit for the Army."

Mmmmm, sure sounds like a sugar pie filled with deliciousness!

 "I wouldn’t be able to describe what his real principles are," former Republican Rep. Mickey Edwards said of the former speaker. "I never felt that he had any sort of a real compass about what he believed except for the pursuit of power."

And this time, his compass is pointing due East from his home in McLean, Virginia, 8.796 miles away to his final destination (God-willing!) at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.,Washington, DC.

"Will he run?" Marianne asks. "Possibly. Because he doesn't connect things like normal people. There's a vacancy — kind of scary, isn't it?"

Eh, only if you don't much care for slimy, bacteria-laden swamp creatures who undergo metamorphosis no less than three times throughout their lives, produce enough toxins in their skin secretions to kill an adult human, and thrive in dank, murky wastelands like say, the nation's capital.

But, one thing is certain—Newt Gingrich simply loves being asked the presidential question. "That's up to God and the American people," he says, in the calm, cool, detached tone of a slimy swamp lizard who already knows what God thinks.

And, as it turns out, He's so fond of the warty li'l buggers, he can't help but drive their population to near extinction, almost ridding rid the entire planet of 'em.

Probably 'cause He selfishly wants to keep all the adorable, Salmonella-carrying, toxin-oozing critters all to Himself!

Sarah Palin's Dingbat Drifter Tour Hits A Snag In Homer, Alaska...D'OH!

Like any Mama Grizzly worth her weight in fat and fur, Sarah Palin doesn't take too kindly to strangers, especially dumb librul ones, getting too close to her or her precious li'l cubs. And much like any vicious, aggressively defensive wild animal feeling the slightest bit threatened, any hapless intruder is met with a swift, vengeful razor-sharp claw and canine combination of maternal fury to prove just how serious Apex predator Mamas can be.

So, one can imagine the rarity of catching a wild, untamed beast like Sarah Palin, given all of her various handlers and security guards, alone and vulnerable to anything, let alone a blindside attack in the form of an unscripted exchange with a critic, or anyone who does not immediately drop to their knees, curl into the fetal position and play dead so as not to anger the easily-enraged, powerful beast of the Snowy North, SarBear.

Like this one brave Alaskan teacher from the "city" of Homer, who was on hand to personally welcome Sarah Palin and her crew when they arrived in her quaint li'l neck o' the woods (named after the famous Simpson patron, one would assume) to shoot parts of the maverick's new Discovery Channel TLC documentary/travel show, Sarah Palin's Alaska. Ummm, I thought Animal Planet already had all rights to the "Weird, True, & Freaky" series, but whatever!

And this gutsy Homer local, Kathleen Gustafson didn't come empty handed. Heavens no! That would be terribly ill mannered and rude! And Alaskans are anything but ungracious hosts!

Instead, Miss Gustafson came armed with a can't-miss-it “WORST GOVERNOR EVER" sign probably to show Sarah just how downright unBEARable her, umm 24-month tenure as the People's Princess of the Arctic North really was.

Sarah naturally confronts the woman (dinner?), and like all interactions between quasi-politicians (or however you'd describe her) and angry members of the public, it was both rather awkward, and at times, slightly difficult to watch. Oh, and also Sarah Palin is frighteningly dumb.

The audio can be spotty — probably doesn't help that First Dude Todd and accompanying First Douche next to him so casually try to block the videographer for a while, because like we said before, the woman is as stupid as the soft snow beneath her feet, and if left to her own devices, will almost certainly do something ridiculous indefensible that will cause a media frenzy, and more likely than not, end up as a Facebook post about female power, freedom, guns, Jesus, and how Us Weekly is unAmerican.

Billy Sullivan caught much of the interchange on his cell phone camera. The back of her security guard’s head and Todd Palin attempted to block Billy’s view, continually rotating like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. What were they afraid of? I guess that’s what happens when you’re filming a “celebrity”. He was even told by one of the Palin daughters, “You’re an A-hole”. Charming family values.

Hmmm, seems like a Bristoly move. And everyone knows how charming she can be! Especially when discussing every trivial, contrived detail of her stable, 100% healthy, tabloid-nourished relationship (based on mutual trust and respect) with baby-daddy-and-formerly-spurned-porn-star-persona-non-grata (sounds cool!) turned-loving-fiance-turned-once-again-scorned, sperm-shootin' self-centered, secret-spillin' slimeball of the Snowy North.

Anyway, back to the STAR OF THIS SHOW, Sarah Louise Palin, and Elitist Teacher Who Hates Her:

GUSTAFSON: You swore on your precious Bible that you would uphold the interests of this state, and then when cash was waved in front of your face, you quit.

PALIN: OH, you wanted me to be your governor! I'm honored! Thank you!

GUSTAFSON: I wanted you to honor your responsibilities. That is what I wanted. I wanted you to be part of the political process instead of becoming a celebrity so that you could (inaudible). And if that's the best you could do, then good for you. If that's the best you could do.

PALIN: Here's the deal. Here's the deal. [...] That's what I'm out there fightin' for Americans to be able to have a Constitution protected so that we can have free speech…And also there…

GUSTAFSON: In what way are you fighting for that?

PALIN: Oh my goodness!

GUSTAFSON: In what way?

PALIN: To elect candidates who understand the Constitution, to protect our military interests so that we can keep on fightin' for our constitution that will protect some of the freedoms that evidently are important to you too.

GUSTAFSON: By using your celebrity status, certainly not by political status.

Oh my goodness! What is this she hears?? Someone with the stone-cold snowballs big enough to question St. Sarah's non-sequitur 'bout fightin' for freedom by protectin' the constitution from threats by the big, bad gubmint? Gasp!

Sweet suffering Jesus, if this lady doesn't watch herself, she's going to be the second living creature to be shoved down a meat-grinder during a local interview with Sarah Palin.

Fortunately, Sarah just rolls her eyes, and knowingly glances over at no-longer disowned daughter Bristol as if to say, ha ha that explains everything! And Bristy's all like Mom represents the whole United States now, not just plain ol' Alaska, so take that Mrs. Teacher Loser, who's not even a rich celeb everyone worships.

But then Mama Grizz saw the lamestream media's sensationalizing (aka reporting accurately) of this terribly awkward, yet hilarious interaction with an Alaskan teacher, and as predicted above, issued one of her signature, scathing (ghostwritten) Facebook posts about the LSM's horrible misconstruing of America's number one defender of special needs babies and regular needs educators, herself!

The LSM has now decided to use this brief encounter for another one of their spin operations. They claim I – wait for it – "appear to roll my eyes" when the lady tells me she's a teacher. Yes, it's come to this: the media is now trying to turn my eyebrow movements into story lines. (Maybe that's why Botox is all the rage – if you can't move your eyebrows, your "eye rolling" can't be misinterpreted!) If they had checked their facts first, they would have known that I come from a family of teachers; my grandparents were teachers, my father was a teacher, my brother is a teacher, my sister works in Special Needs classrooms, my aunt is a school nurse, my mom worked as a school secretary for much of her professional life, we all volunteer in classrooms, etc., etc., etc. Given that family history, how likely is it that I would "roll my eyes" at someone telling me that they too work in that honorable profession? Stay classy, LSM.

Hmmm, we're not sure exactly. Probably the same likelihood as making that other, almost indiscernible-from eye-rolling, contemptuous sneer of disgust she made, until finally perking up upon hearing that the woman's husband was a commercial fisherman. Phew!

But don't take the video evidence's word for it, take Sarah's!

While filming the Alaska documentary in Homer, I had a brief discussion with a local lady who, in typical Alaska style, decided to give me her two cents worth about my political leanings, American politics in general, and much else besides. It's what makes our politics so uniquely democratic: two people discussing the things they care about, even though they respectfully disagree about just about everything (you can watch a brief video of the encounter here).

Please feel free to watch a minute and a half of me looking like a bumbling moron because some woman in the education profession asked me a few real, unrehearsed questions that I certainly couldn't answer. Which I decide to obnoxiously dismiss as nothing more than a friendly chitchat with one of the colorful locals who would like nothing more than to add a certain Alaskan Mama Bear (moi!) to the nation's endangered species list, as a delightful slice of proud American opinion-having.

Surely, this can be evidenced by Todd Palin and Sarah's bodyguard bursting into a spontaneous ring-around-the-rosy routine, right in front of the camera, conveniently synchronized to block the recording as much as possible.

The first (and definitely last!) unedited clip of her highness, Sarah Louise Palin, in an unstaged, unscripted notes-on-the-palm-free exchange with a real live critic to ever exist on the face of the Earth. With good reason, no doubt. Wink Wink!

But just for accuracy's sake, since Kathleen's a teacher and all, shouldn’t that sign read “WORST HALF-TERM GOVERNOR EVER?"

Surely, Glenn Beck Likening Obama's Presidency To Evil Gorillas Enslaving Human Kind Has Nothing To Do With Race

When pudgy albino reminder of what happens when traumatic childhood meets troubled, emotionally unstable, born-again adulthood, Glenn Lee Beck, hits the airwaves, the result is usually an alternately comical and tragic mixture of hilarious nonsense tinged with saline tears, and culminating in the deranged rantings of a paranoid schizophrenic with a deep-seated hatred for black people. Errr, make that, the deranged rantings of a paranoid schizophrenic who will not just sit back and weep (faux tears) while America is overrun by a half-black president, who ironically enough, happens to have a deep-seated hatred for white people, particularly fat talking heads with limited education but unlimited sense of his own inflated ego and intellectual prowess.

This time the rollicking good cheer and utter hilarity manifested itself in the form of a not-at-all racist rant from Fox News' favoritest on-air Aryan and resident White Power scholar Glenn Beck comparing America under the Obama administration to "the damn Planet of the Apes."

What a fascinating thought! Lovely, actually! But what ever could darling Glenny B mean by such a bold, not-in-the-least-bit-loaded statement such as this? Surely nothing to do with race-baiting his viewers by comparing the U.S. under a black president to a science fiction movie about an earth controlled by monkeys, using the old, hackneyed stereotype comparing African Americans to our less evolved Simian counterparts. That would be too obvious, right?

So what was El Becko trying to say? From what we can decipher from his incoherent, nonsensical, rambling stream of consciousness monologue, likely something about how Democrats (and the shadowy black cabal) are going to enforce mandatory white-baby abortions, death sentences for dear ol' Granny, and march every last innocent (non-elitist) Caucasian to Ivy League Prisons throughout the East, where they will be forced-fed arugula and exposed to Keith Olbermann's talking points for 24 hours straight.

All we know, is that some point between fighting for jobs, middle-class tax cuts and reforms that will reign in special interests, Beck loses it, throws himself into conniptions, and is suddenly stricken by a severe fit of epilepsy, followed by a total loss of control over the gaping hole snuggly sandwiched between his nose and numerous chins.


"Special interest! What planet have I landed on? Did I slip through a worm hole in the middle of the night and this looks like America? It's like the damn Planet of the Apes. Nothing makes sense!"

Least of all the deranged madman having mental breakdowns and weeping Vick's VapoTears on the telly every night. 

"The guy who's helped destroy all these pensions, Andy Stern, he is now on the financial oversight committee. Is this who we want to take advice from?"

Wake up, people! I, for one, would much rather take advice from a born-again Mormon with no higher education to speak of except for his extensive first-hand knowledge of the destructive path of drug and alcohol abuse, as a way to deal with severe mental illness that has up to that point, gone undiagnosed.
 
"The unions who have collapsed all of the businesses, who have collapsed all of their pensions, they are bankrupting everything they touch and we go to them and we say, yes, tell me, what should we do? It's like any marital tips from Tiger Woods."

Hahahaha, everyone knows black men are insatiable sex-crazed fiends, whose only advice is to find the cheapest hooker with the tightest lips who isn't gonna go blabbing to the lamestream media about how you like to be tied up and whipped into submission while wearing a dog collar and leash.

"Hey, I got an idea. Let's appoint the guy who designed the Edsel and the Yugo to head up G.M.
This is how crazy it is. That actually might be an improvement. Let's get the inventor of Betamax to be our technology czar. Yes! Yes!"

No, no! Nothing less than Jesus Christ our Savior will do. We want Jeebus! We want Jeebus! Yay!

"Hey, the guy who created smokeless cigarettes, he's our new EPA chief."

And the dopey, weird ADHD kid with the sloppy joe remains on his shirt, who eats glue, picks his nose, and perfected the spitball will be our new most trusted source of news and information. Woohoo!

"We are turning to the epic failures of our time and hoping that they will fix it. How? I don't know if God is even powerful enough to help him fix it."

Aww, c'mon on now! God can do anything! After all, HE did save a desperate drunkard, with nothing to offer and no skills to speak of, and turn him into our beloved, golden-haired rodeo clown Messiah of the Times, now didn't HE?

Anyway, after his series of convulsions, Glenn then launches into one of his signature rants about the rampant crime afflicting four American cities, no doubt plucked from his infamous list of dirtbag cities: Oakland, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Newark. Oh and let's not forgot the that one bustling metropolis on everyone's mind: East St. Louis, of course!

Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of these four cities is their Democratic mayors and city councils. What does not dawn on Beck or any of his loyal freedom fightin' followers is certainly not the fact that they're all majority-black cities. Didn't even cross their enlightened, color-blind minds!


"They're doing a pretty good job, no? Progressivism is a cancer and if we keep going down this road, all of our cities will be crumbling because you'll be paying for the dirtbag cities that made choices to do crazy stuff that you weren't involved in."
Like say, let the black devil in to seduce their women and subvert the white man's culture with their home-style cookin' and Rhythm & Blues.

"Progressives need to you do be dependent on them." Huh??

"Hey, wait a minute. Hold it. Didn't I just see that welfare rolls are at an all-time high? What a wild coincidence."

Wild as in a pack of spotted hyenas roaming the 'frican Savannah looking to scavenge a free lunch off the hard, predatory work of others.
 
Which brings us back to the whole "damn Planet of the Apes" analogy, which obviously has nothing to do with America living under a black president. NOTHING! Couldn't be farther from the truth!

Thing is, with Glenn Beck's piercing intellect and various shades of meaning and subtlety in everything he says, it can be soooooo hard to understand what exactly is going on in that brilliant head of his.

Perhaps sweet Glenny simply meant America is like Planet of the Apes, in the sense that both contain the letter "E" and "A." Try wrapping your feeble pea-brain around that one, America!

Ooooh, wonder what perfectly logical, racism-free classic cinema comparison he'll dream up next.

Hopefully something that can in no way, under any circumstance, ever be misconstrued as the moronic, hate-filled ramblings of an embittered country bumpkin who does not much care for the policies of some gangbangin' black man playin' hoops in his once-pure, once-tennis court wrapped White House.

Like, Amistad, but only in the sense that the U.S., like the slave-ship carrying captured West Africans into slavery, too has a long and storied history of maritime exploration, and adventurous spirit discovering new and exciting transatlantic trade routes.

For precious freedom...to chain and shackle whichever inferior, non-white race or species they want.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow, There's A Skinny Blond Alien Woman Who Hates You, But Will Gladly Take Your Gay Money Anyway!

Are you a self-hating fag or dyke who enjoys getting heckled, harassed, mistreated, discriminated and/or all around abused by the wonderful homophobic (closeted?), fear-mongering, hate-spewing, queer-bashing nutjobs on the right?

If so, then boy do we have the the event for you!

For the bargain price of one pair of Gucci shoes, (or if you're more of the high-rolling sponsorship type, the price of a Gucci suit), you too can reserve your very own spot for the hottest thing to hit New York since the scourge of homosexuality caused those two planes to crash into the World Trade Center, GOProud's first annual Homocon 2010 bash "celebrating gay conservatives." All six of them!

Woooohoooo! And as if that weren't fabulous enough, headlining this one-of-a-kind Republican-sponsored Gay Old Party, is none other than "the right-wing Judy Garland" the inimitable poster chick for insanely spindly limbs and equally insane thoughts, giraffe-necked giant of crazy Christians everywhere Ann Hart Coulter (I know, I know irrrrronic!).

Well Miss 50ft Thang over here loooooooooves them rainbows sooooooooooo much, GOProud figured which long-limbed lunatic better to represent the stylish, well-groomed, pink-hued minority she's always prattling on about than her bad, gay-bashing self?

"The gay left has done their best to take all the fun out of politics, with their endless list of boycotts and protests," said Christopher Barron, chairman of the board of GOProud. "Homocon is going to be our annual effort to counter the 'no fun police’ on the left. I can’t think of any conservative more fun to headline our inaugural party then the self-professed ‘right-wing Judy Garland’ — Ann Coulter."

Soooooooo true! I mean unlike those lame 'no fun police" on the gay left always whinin' 'n wailin' about dumb equality and constitutional rights for the LGBT community, these fabulous fashionistas on the right prefer to have their fun the fundamentalist way, complete with awesome headliners who'd love nothing more than to round 'em all up and ship 'em off somewhere far, far away like Barry's African homeland, where they can be with the rest of their untamed, wildebeest brethren.

Referring to recent incidents in which individuals against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" chained themselves to the White House fence, Barron added, “I can promise you, Homocon 2010 will be a hell of a lot more fun than chaining yourself to the White House fence."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Totes! Because everyone knows handcuffs should never be used to protest terrible, discriminatory policies that unfairly target a specific group because of their sexual orientation, silly! They should only be used during off-the-hook RNC fund-raising gigs at lesbian S&M clubs. Like, duh! Any moron off the streets could tell you that, even freakin' walking disaster Michael Steele, for reals yo!

But either way, certainly there is no better choice than the Judy Garland of radicals and white supremacists to drum up excitement for an event whose invitation includes the sage, scientifically sound declaration, "Our gays are more macho than their straights!"

They so are! Especially when pretending to be straight, while secretly getting sucked and f**ked by some hot man tail, all the while using their strapping white hetero power and vote to keep dem deviant, eternally damned queers in the closet with the rest of the "straight" Republicans already sardine-packed, sweaty and tight, in there.

For those not familiar with Miss Coulter's extensive, dedicated past efforts advancing the rights of gays and lesbians throughout America, let's take a look at some of our sweet, sinewy spokeswoman's finer, more memorable LGBT moments.

Like her most recent rant against that “irritating lesbian," 18-year-old Mississippi activist Constance McMillen, claiming that heterosexual-only proms aren’t civil rights violations. Ugh, when will those dumb dykes learn their civil rights to dance to Kei$ha and get felt up by the cheerleading captain quarterback are not the same as a a beautiful, normal straight person who actually has a shot to be crowned this year's prom queen?? I mean can't they just stick to their flannel shirts and field hockey and be done with it?

Or back in 2007 when she so lovingly dropped the f-bomb, referring to then-presidential candidate, and still-not-yet-universally-despised-philanderer, John Edwards as a "faggot."

"I was going to have a few comments on the other presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot,'" Coulter said while speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference in 2007.

Awww, snap! So, guess that means Ann will be joining fellow blond f-up LinLo and sex fiend Tiger Woods for a 28-day program at a posh spa retreat in SoCal?

Of course, unlike GOProud, that other, slightly less self-loathing organization for queer conservatives (or is it conservative queers?), The Log Cabin Republicans had a slightly more appropriate reaction to a public figure spewing homophobic hate all over the Fox News room into the family rooms of America's highly impressionable public.

"Coulter's words are not worthy of this event or our nation's political dialogue," President Patrick Sammon said in a statement, prompting Ann to clarify her views on the #1 outpost for frustrated demagogues, hate-spewing meatheads, and peroxide-colored former Hooters waitresses, Fox News.

"'Faggot' isn't offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gays," she explained. "It's a schoolyard taunt meaning 'wuss,' and unless you're telling me that John Edwards is gay, it was not applied to a gay person."

Hellloooooo! I mean what kind of idiot doesn't know that??

Certainly GOProud understands these things. "She came out and said that she was not calling him gay," Christopher Barron said. "She said it would have been an insult to gay people to call him gay."

Liberals in this country want to view conservatives in a narrow prism, but we are a tolerant, accepting group. The fact that she's doing an event for a traditional conservative group speaks volumes for how she feels about gay people.

In fact, the only thing worse than those nasty, heinous AIDS-plagued, demented sex fiends & sodomites is a slimy South Carolina gent with a deep southern drawl, $400 perfectly coiffed hair, delusions of presidential grandeur, and an ego the size of his bank account, who leaves his cancer-stricken wife to make oral sex videos and bastard babies with his very pregnant, very sleazy mistress, who very respectfully poses with Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy dolls, in a fleabag motel while helping him campaign for the highest office in the land.

Talk about gay!

Oooooh, maybe there is hope after all for Rush Limbaugh to MC this year's NAACP Image Awards...complete with 100% non-offensive, non racist blackface and special guest appearance by Mel Gibson.

Sharron Angle's PAC Questionnaire Proves Republicans Aren't The Party Of NO, They're The Party Of LuNOtic!

Check 'Yes' For Crazy! 

You may remember Sharron Angle, the crazy Teabag lady from Nevada hoping to unseat meek ol' Mormon Harry Reid as Senate Majority Leader with her wonderful, forward-thinking ideas like how to make deliciously refreshing lemonade out of getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your father (eat one of her famous zesty lemon squares and call her in the morning?), and dismantling the terrible, no-good government she hates so much, she's dropped millions of dollars desperately trying to be a part of. Ya know, for freedom 'n stuff! What a gal!

Well lucky for us, the arugula-eating, Jew-run media elites over at the AP have dug up a questionnaire filled out by Sharron Angle from the Government Is Not God PAC, with 36 yes-or-no answers, so thankfully Sharron was able to fill it out without hitch. Unlike incestuous rape and lemonade, short answers and Sharron do not mix!

The PAC, Government Is Not God, which not surprisingly has endorsed Angle's campaign, may sound like it opposes legislating based on religion and/or religious beliefs, as the name would imply, but apparently they're as brilliant as their lovely candidate because their mission "to seek the election to Congress of men and women who hold conservative beliefs on both moral and economic issues" suggests that "God Should Be Government" would be a better, and certainly more appropriate name, for such an organization.

And much like their prized candidate, the Government Is Not God PAC  have some, umm, shall we say, "interesting" beliefs about social issues, especially those involving the gays (gross!) and unborn fetuses (great!), as can be seen by Sharron answering "yes" to every single one of their questions.

Social Issues-Abortion:

"2. Do you believe that an unborn child is a person under the 14th amendment?" She most certainly does! Every last one of 'em is a precious li'l miracle of God just waiting to be sprung from the oppressive womb and onto the Earth to fulfill their divine destiny ending the tyranny of government, while safeguarding the indescribable beauty of free-market capitalism.

"3. Do you believe that abortion is the taking of a human life?" Yes, 100% without a doubt...unless of course that fetus happens to be a dirty Mexican fetus! Then feel free to do as you will. She doesn't much care either way, so long as it lands on their side of the fence.

"8. If a pregnant woman is murdered, should the perpetrator face an additional count of for the unborn child?" Yes, definitely! So long as that child is perfectly Christian and pure snow-white with no trace of Black, Hispanic, or icky Jew in their undeveloped system that is.

Social Issues-Other:

"10. Do you oppose the recognition of 'same-sex marriages'?" HAHAHAHA! Is the Pope Catholic? Is the sky blue? Is grass green? Do you even need to ask? Ugh, **Shudder!**

"11. Do you oppose adding 'sexual orientation' as a protected minority under existing civil rights laws?" Duh! As if the eternally-damned sodomites deserve special protections. Puh-lease! Those are reserved for special respectable kinds of people who deserve them like White Anglo-Saxon Protestants and fiscal conservatives.

"12. Do you oppose laws allowing homosexuals to adopt children?" Yes, of course she does! Screw you dumb orphans! Either find yourself a nice, loving STRAIGHT (preferably White and Christian) family who will love you, or wake up and smell the coffee: clearly you are simply too ugly and too stupid for any parents to ever love your abandoned li'l behind. So, sorry? Sure, it may sound harsh, but trust me, you'll thank her later.

"13. Do you favor laws that restrict the production, sale, and distribution of pornography?" You better believe it! Because any sex not done for the sole purpose of procreating is evil and an affront to God and should never, ever be recorded or documented in any way, under any circumstances, let alone so much as participated in like wild beasts with no moral compass or restraints to speak of.

"16. Do you support the right of students and teachers to publicly acknowledge the Creator?" Yes she does! But since which "Creator" is never specified, we can only assume she means all creators, so ummm, praise Xenu, God of Tom Cruise!

Education:

"18. Should federal involvement in public education be eliminated, including eliminating the U.S. Department of Education?" Of course she does! If your one-man-one woman-only parental units (as the good Lord intended) cannot afford to send you to a proper Jesus school like St. Mary of the Angels or Immaculate Conception, then screw you you and your child's inquisitive li'l mind! You don't even deserve to have an education, for Pete's Sake! The free ride is over!

"22. Do you oppose federally funded school-based health clinics?" Yes she most certainly does! Either find a way to stay germ-free and healthy (perhaps say a prayer or two?) or deal with the consequences. So have fun dying, kiddies! She's never much cared for those naive mini-adults anyway.

Politics:

"35A. Would you refuse PAC money from those who are fundamentally opposed to your views on social issues?" Would you sucker-punch an unsuspecting passerby? Kick an injured man when he's down? Hurl money and insults at a wheelchair-bound Parkinson's sufferer? Steal candy from the mouth of a babe? YES, YES, YES, YES, and YES!!!

"35B. In reference to question 35A, Intel Corporation supports 'equal rights for gays' and offers benefits to 'partners' of homosexual employees. Would you refuse funds from this corporate PAC?" Of course she would! C'mon taking money from the dirty (who-knows-where-they've-been!) hands of actual homosexuals?? She'd sooner flog herself bloody, get nailed to a cross on a sweltering summer day in the middle of the Vegas Strip and wait for the vultures to have their way with her then ever accept the sullied-currency of Godless Sodomites and Sapphos. Ewwwwwww, perish the thought!

Asked about Angle's answers, her spokesman Jarrod Agen said, "this nation has a long history of clergy speaking their conscience, whether you're talking about the Founding Fathers or Martin Luther King. As a strong believer in the First Amendment, Sharron Angle believes it is improper for the federal government to use the threat of revoking tax exempt status against churches and pastors."

"Sharron Angle believes that ideally, children should have a relationship with both a mother and a father and our adoption policy should reflect that."

"As a grandmother of ten and a former teacher, nobody is more concerned about our kids' education than Sharron Angle. As Sharron has said many times, education is best handled at the local level, not by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. delivering unfunded mandates like 'No Child Left Behind,'" Jarrod Agen added.

Wow, thanks for totally clearing that up, Mr. Spokesman with a similarly misspelled name as Sharron Angle. We feel sooooooo much better (totally comfortable, in fact!) with her awesome, sensible beliefs now that you've explained them so well.

Truth is, we don't need another weirdo with an unnecessarily added consonant in their names to show us that Sharron Angle just answered "yes" to every question (probably without even reading them first) because she wanted this crazy PAC's Jesus-blessed money.

We're just happy to know that Sharron Angle is bringing to Washington the kind of savvy leadership of a troubled kid who randomly marks "C" for every answer on his Scantron sheet.

Wooohooo! America is back where it should be my friends: metaphorically shooting spitballs at the teacher (big, bad gubmint) from the back of a Special Ed classroom (Senate) in the hopes that their behavioral problem plagued, unstable, ADHD-suffering, glue-eating resident dunce (Sharron Angle) is elected as class Preznent!

And you thought Republicans were the party of "No!" when they're really the party of "Yes!" but only if the question is absolutely the most batsh*t crazy, nonsensical, insane thing your ears have ever heard!

Breaking News: California Strikes Down Gay Marriage Ban, But Still No Gay Fist Pump From Barry!

OMG, breaking news America! California has officially gone gay...again! But this time maybe for reals even...Like by law for reals!

In one fell stroke of the gavel and 136 pages of dead trees, Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that California is now a tolerant state, dem crazy Mormons will have to go back to cock blocking salty states with no sex life, and sodomy and sin shall once again reign supreme across the Golden State. Yay!

“Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples.”

Ummm, duh! I mean any dumb kid on the street could tell you gays are weird and gross. And it has nothing to do with rational thought either, silly! It's called the ick factor (which Mike Huckabee would be more than happy to explain). Besides, everyone knows a real, beautiful heterosexual marriage consists of the miserable union between one man and one woman, not the slightly less miserable union of one man and one man, or one woman and one woman, plus the sinister, Godless destruction of morality.

Everyone except Judge Vaughn Walker, I guess:

“Because Proposition 8 disadvantages gays and lesbians without any rational justification, Proposition 8 violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.”

Oooooh, and to think you were thisclose, Mormons, thisclose from ensuring every last flannel-clad lezzie and Streisand-singing fag in the state o' Californication is banned from the altar unless they curb their wicked ways and take the pure Church of Latter Day Saints (and latent homosexuality) path of boring straight missionary sex directly to righteousness and sexual frustration.

Either way, appeals are expected have already been filed, and should be just as fun as every other time gays are granted rights before the crazy wingnut right starts wailing about Jesus, Sodom & Gomorrah, God's wrath, and moral fiber, and voila! gays are once again demoted to second-class citizens, like God intended. Hooray!

Naturally, President Obama, like the rest of us sinners and hedonists in America, was thrilled and overjoyed to hear that Proposition 8 was overturned, arugula-eating elitist liberal activist judges or not.

Of course, this does not mean Obama supports actual gross, terrible gay marriage, heavens forbid! No, no, he simply supports "equality for gay and lesbian couples, and benefits and other issues, and that has been effectuated in federal agencies under his control," as White House spokesman David Axelrod so eloquently explained.

Ooooh, I get it, now!

So Obama loooooves gay people so much he wants to give them all the rights and privileges as everyone else, except that one tiny little one that includes big fat diamonds (the size of which dependent on how much you're in love), walking down the aisle (no, not a congressional one), saying some mushy words, sharing a kiss, and then getting raging drunk and dancing the night and your life savings away in blurry, holy matrimony. This apparently is not part of the whole equality thing in Obama's mind.

Here's the thing. People who care about gay rights would like the President to condone the fall of civilization and support gay marriage. People who hate dem queers and gay rights would like Obama to be shipped back to his native Kenya, preferably on the flaming wings of all the flamboyant queers currently destroying America with their fashion sense and good hygiene.

Obama simply would like to serve a second term and thus tries to get gay-and-normal-married to both the anti-gay and pro-gay sides, and ends up sleeping with no one, horny and alone, as a result.

Obama thought Proposition 8 was bad because it was “divisive and mean spirited,” so apparently it is wrong to deny gay people the right to (gay)marry, but it is also wrong to give gay people the right to (gay)marry.

Huh?

Let's see if I've got this straight (and I don't mean the good sexuality!):

"The president does oppose same-sex marriage but he supports equality for gay and lesbian couples."

Oh, you mean kinda like how the Teabaggers aren't terrible racists who hate black people or anything, they just don't want them running their country or marrying their sisters.

Ummmm, sorry Mr. President, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. 49th birthday or not, God damn it!

But on the bright side, now all of those tea birther klansmen (in his base) are totally going to vote for him in 2012, instead of plot his assassination/dismembering in front of a (gay) book burning bonfire.

A plan so mind-blowingly brilliant, no one can even wrap their heads around it.

Least of all his voters.

The Only Thing The GOP's Newest, Craziest Idea Repealing The 14th Amendment Accomplishes Is Making Life Even More Awkward For John McCain

"You know, look, I know it's babies we're talking about and it's hard to be tough on babies but let's remember we're talking about illegal aliens coming to this country for the purpose of birthing a child, not because they love the kid, cause they want that child to provide them the benefits of U.S. citizenship."—Attorney Wendy Murphy arguing to repeal the 14th amendment on Fox News (where else?)

When you have to start your sentence with the words "You know, look, I know it's babies we're talking about and it's hard to be tough on babies," perhaps that's a point you shouldn't be making.

I don't know, call me old fashioned, but any way you slice it, hating on babies just doesn't seem to be a very tasteful, not to mention, winning strategy.

Oooooh, sounds like Republicans just found themselves the perfect new rallying cry to fire up the base and boot that no good Barry fellow out of the White House and back into the harsh Kenyan wilderness where he belongs. This time, in the form of wretched diaper-wearing ne'r-do-wells looking for a free lunch, bottle of formula, lactating nipple, or whatever the case may be, by committing the unforgivable crime of being born within the nation's beautiful borders (Alaska included!), or at the very least, one of its lesser "territories" like Guam or "American" Samoa. The sweetly, conservative-named "anchor babies."

No, no, we're not talking about the adorable new cartoon infants to join Dora the Explorer on her maritime adventures, but something far far more sinister: pregnant women desperately climbing barbed-wire border fences (and dodging armed gangs of trigger-happy white supremacists) all for the chance to drop a tiny brown automatic U.S. citizen out of their gross foreigner wombs onto once-pure, now-sullied American soil.

Such 142-year-old aggression simply cannot stand!

Because in these terrifying times when anyone including a half-black man (from Kenya!) with nothing but a Hawaiian certificate of live birth to show for, can waltz into the oval office as President of America, something must be done to save the nation from descending into total multicolored chaos, at the hands, err make that wombs, of all these unwelcome invaders from Africa and their equally sinister Latin counterparts.

Good thing there are still a few brave (white) souls left in this mongol-overrun cesspool of muddled brown and black hues to stand up and say, "enough of this 142-year-old constitutional madness, and century-old Fourteenth Amendment oppression giving the children of illegal immigrants a right to U.S. citizenship," a blight that's been destroying the very fabric of this great nation since the dumb liberal, immigrant-lovin' bastards in the McKinley administration.

Proud patriots like Senate Minority Leader and human-turtle hybrid Mitch McConnell who has decided to join the rest of the brilliant visionaries in his party in their spectacular new idea to change the Constitution and repeal the part of the 14th Amendment that grants children born in the United States citizenship.

“I haven’t made a final decision about it, but that’s something that we clearly need to look at. Regardless of how you feel about the various aspects of immigration reform, I don’t think anybody thinks that’s something they’re comfortable with,”  McConnell explained, before retreating into his protective shell, safe from terrible drooling intruders, where he feels comfortable.

Of course, one could argue that all the Americans born here, whose parents are immigrants, are already comfortable with the law, but that's assuming immigrants are actual people, which everyone knows is just absurd!

What is not absurd, however, is the notion that nothing screams red-blooded conservatism like concocting new and creative ways to kick more brown people out of the country via changing hundred year old constitutionally enshrined laws. Yay!

“People come here to have babies. They come here to drop a child,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) said on Fox News. “That shouldn’t be the case. That attracts people here for all the wrong reasons.” 

Ugh, ya know, wrong reasons like providing a better life for their li'l bundles of Al-Qaeda disciples-to-be, escaping persecution in their native country, and all the rest of the silly, senseless, rash reasons why grown men and women decide to upheave the only life they've ever known, leave livelihoods and loved ones behind to make the uncharted, often perilous journey across thousands of miles of ocean and land. All to settle in a scary, unknown place where they don't speak the language, have no means of support, and are often subject to the wanton discrimination and cruelty that comes from those lucky enough to have their grandparents, great grandparents, and other ancestors blaze the trail for them.

As opposed to the right reasons like say Republican senators from crazy wingnut states like South Carolina desperately trying to prove they're not turning into some gay liberal because they voted to confirm lesbo softball playing socialists to the Supreme Court, and don't shriek "cooties!" every time a Democrat comes near them in the congressional cafeteria by going after that highly dangerous, all powerful Huggies-and-Pampers crowd, disingenuously forcing their way out of uteri all to take advantage of good, hard-working, real 'merican babies, whose parents had the decency to be born here instead of some stupid, remote village in China, in the first place.

At least some Republicans understand that without the 14th amendment, Chinese people couldn’t be citizens, because, come on, Chinese people!? The last thing this country needs is more math-and-science-savvy Asians running around, inverting their T's and R's, building railroads, inventing things, and contributing to America instead of Mother China for the last century and a half.

Almost as amazing as watching Republicans try to out-crazy each other with terrible, untenable ideas, aimed at those most disadvantaged and unable to defend themselves, is the comical lengths some Republicans, such as certain former Prisoners of War turned current Prisoners of Wingnuts, are willing to go to try not to have to support this crazy idea, during an otherwise ho-hum morning press conference.

“We’re talking about the stimulus right now,” John McCain said, before darting off to the elevators down the hall from the Senate studio, where he again declined to take a question. Reporters eventually caught up with McCain in the basement of the Capitol, where he was walking toward to the man-operated train connecting the Senate with the Russell office building.

TPMDC asked, “Do you support the Minority Leader’s push for hearings into the repeal of birthright citizenship?”

“Sure, why not?” McCain said briefly.

“Do you support the idea itself?”

“I support the idea of having hearings,” McCain said.

“Do you have a problem with the 14th amendment?” another reporter asked.

“You’re changing the constitution of the United States,” McCain said. “I support the concept of holding hearings.”

“I support the concept of holding hearings,” McCain repeated, turning to the rail car conductor.

“Let’s go!” he snapped. "I don't have anything to add to that."

Now, typically there is something both hilariously funny and tragically sad about witnessing a withered old man shed every last fiber of his integrity en route to becoming a soulless, brain-dead puppet of the right, dancing (err, at least attempting) slowly around an issue as clear-cut and obvious as taking away the constitutional rights of the toothless, under-1 crowd who use pacifiers and diapers, need constant 24-hour care and coddling, and can't even do anything for themselves.

Be careful now, Johnny, after all, the only thing separating a nursery from a nursing home are three measly letters.

And judging by your Grand Old Party's logic, you're one pacifier away from deportation yourself.

Hasta la vista, baby!

A Handy New How-To Wingnut Guide For When The Big Bad Government Comes For Your Innocent Guns

What do you do when some filthy criminal (Black/Liberal/Jew/Mexican/etc) breaks into your house and tries to steal all your God-given guns, Glenn Beck approved gold coins 'n other precious stuff??

Why, you pick up one of your 99 trusty shotguns decoratively adorning various shelves and cabinets around the house. Then you shoot that trespassing motherf**ker full of lead until there's nothing left but the Swiss cheese remains of their once live, warm, now bloodied, bullet-riddled body sullying your floor!

But what if one of those dirty marauders happens to be after your very 2nd amendment right to bear semi-automatic weapons, and tries to steal all your shiny metal guns before you have the chance to pump 'em full of hollow tipped holes and splatter the sucker's brain all over the wall? Then what??

Well, for a mere $60 (or like $100 worth of Glenn Beck gold coins) you too can be prepared for your own apocalyptic disaster and/or nightmare scenario when roving gangs of vicious punks come prowling around your trailer, licking their chops at the chance to take away all your precious guns and, maybe have their merry way with your supple wife and daughter too, mwhahahahaha!

It's called HideYourGuns.com and if you too are a patriot of America who falls for pop-up ads about fat suburban wives morphing into size 0 supermodels all by following this one old secret online, then this is for you!

Unless, of course you're some twinkle-toed NObama lovin' librul...

"If you're shocked by straight talk about the nature of the crisis facing our country, this book may not be for you. And if you're a liberal and are offended by talk about God and country, this is definitely not for you."

But if you're packin' something other than a Gideon bible in your back pocket, then this badboy's for you!

"As those punks left my house that day they must have been feeling that they had cleaned me out completely. But even with a broken wrist I got the last laugh. Here’s why: I had a secret cache of weapons hidden deep inside my house, where no thugs or even a sophisticated criminal would ever think to look."

"I knew that hidden safely away in my house was my real gun collection, the one worth thousands of dollars and including muzzle loaders from the 'War Between the States' and a few guns my grandfather gave me when I was young. The truth is, even if they had known where to look, they wouldn’t have gotten them."

Hahaha, the mindless fools! Thinkin' they swiped your prized rifle/pistol/semiautomatic gun collection (from the terrible war of Northern Aggression) when all they really came away with was some cheap decoy guns you don't even care about or tenderly clean with a soft cloth and warm spit every night by the fire while watching your favoritest Fox News anchor hoot 'n holler about these gun-hungry hooligans.

It's all part of the ingenious wingnut secret available only to those true red, white, 'n blue patriots willing to shell out $50 plus another $10 for shipping and handling for their very own fool-proof manual on how to dupe dark-skinned criminals into stealing the wrong gun collection when breaking & entering your home during times of lawlessness, anarchy, catastrophe, or liberal black presidents with Hussein in his name.

"I also explain the truth about a ‘panic room’ and how and when it might be a good idea for you to get busy and build one. But that’s not all. I reveal the cold hard truth about buying the right kind of safe for your valuables, including:

When you need a safe and what kind to buy. Where to put your safe so they can’t get into it, even if they manage to find it (page 15). What you absolutely must have on the bottom of the safe. Four questions you must ask the safe company before you buy."

"If you’re like me, you’re not just worried about hiding your guns but gold coins and other valuables as well. The truth is, you should be building an emergency preparedness plan for your family or loved ones right now in the event of a terrorist attack or civil unrest. (I cover all this in the book)."

Right now!! Or better yet, as soon as that secret Muslim terrorist elitist Barack Hussein Obama hijacked the once-pure White House!

But that's not all! Author and brainchild behind this brilliant hideyourguns movement, Sam "Sharkman" Adams, will also give you top-secret advice on how to stay a lean mean armed & dangerous fighting machine when the rest of the dumb public are being led like little sheep to the slaughter by crazed Democrats who would like nothing more than to usher in the end of the world through affordable health care and sensible financial practices.

"But I do give you step by step examples you can implement immediately to secure your guns, gold and other valuables. With this new-found knowledge you’ll remain one of the few armed citizens when most of the pathetic sheep are rendered defenseless."

"I have to warn you…this information is likely to send shockwaves through the liberal media, so be discreet about how you use it and who you tell about it."

OOOH, OOOH, secret is sooooooo safe with us! No Jew-run media will ever pry it from our warm, trigger wrapped fingers. Ha ha, yeah, over their dumb, cold, dead liberal hands!

"This book is the only one of its kind in the world, sort of like having your own private pass to Fort Knox, where your guns and valuables are safe from predators."

Not including the blue-soon-to-maybe-be-blind-eyed, blond haired scavenging Fox News kind you see weeping on the teevee every night.

But if you act now, Mr. Sharkman Adams will also throw in FREE special bonus which includes an amazing 2-part CD set with intense “hard-core” techniques for debating with dumb, soon-to-be-dead liberals about guns. It’s called The Great Gun Debate: How To Argue With Liberals About Guns And Win Every Time!

He will also rush you a bonus DVD: The Real Story Behind The Second Amendment. (Hint: No damn Yankee will ever take away your precious right to enslave an entire race again!). And as if that weren't enough, a third gift, The No B.S. Home Defense With Firearms E-book will be sent to you at no extra cost, complete with such life-saving advice as:

• Which lethal weapons you must have in the house
• The truth about a home-defense gun fight.
• Absolute best shotgun for home-defense. 
• Why everyone should own a handgun?
• How to select the best handgun.
• Effective handgun combat firing techniques inside a house.
• Best ways to avoid a dangerous firearms accident in the home
• What if you have to really shoot someone? (legal issues)
• Why almost everyone is wrong about what it takes to deter a criminal
• Special firearms advice for the elderly and disabled
• How to learn to think like a criminal.
• Why you should never go looking for someone who’s broken into your house.

Quick America, act now before blacky NObama and his commie Army of thugs and criminals (and Mexicans!) come knocking down your heavily-fortified steel-encased shelter door to take away your worthless valuable Glenn Beck-sponsored gold-plated coins, constitutional right to make homemade ballistic missiles, hide weapons caches, and other can't-live-without necessary items like fallout shelters and mine fields to help keep America safe from crazed psychopaths bloodthirsty for hippie dippie human sheep without paranoid schizophrenic tendencies who don't even realize grave danger lurks around every corner!

So grab your Ron Paul holster, Glenn Beck gold coins or personal currency of choice, so when the big, bad gubmint, scary black people, question-askin' census workers, turban-sportin' terrorists, poors, queers, border jumpin' Mexis, Jews, Jehovah's Witnesses, cookie-wielding girl scouts, and/or aliens from outer space come for you and your loved ones during the coming Obamageddon and end of civilization as we know it, you can go out with a Grand Ol' freedom-lovin' BANG, instead of a pathetic, pansy liberal BLEAT!