Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Forget Russia, Sarah Palin Can Sue Sweden From Her Backyard!

Sarah Palin knows she has what it takes to be President of the bestest, most God blessed, freedom-lovingest country in the whole wide world, the United States of Jesus Christ's America, because unlike that no-good NObama, she knows how to sue evil, arugula-eating lamestream media blogs who leak her sensitive documents all over the Internets.

It's true!

I mean why can't the U.S. military simply stop every single one of its strictly heterosexual soldiers, like say, Palin's other oddly named non-special needs son Track, from leaking sensitive, classified documents to Wikileaks the way Sarah singlehandedly stopped the website Gawker from publishing unauthorized excerpts of her newest ghostwritten book ode to herself, America By Heart??

Probably because Sarah Palin is not currently commander-in-chief, duh! All you have to do is repeat on a respectable news site the same logic she attempted on Twitter, and viola! it almost makes sense:
Sarah Palin was able to get a federal judge this month to stop a website from publishing unauthorized excerpts of her book. Now, she wants to know why the White House couldn’t put the breaks on Sunday’s WikiLeaks document dump, Politico writes.
Hear that people? Sarah Palin's Twitter Account would like to know why exactly NObama's White House couldn't stop WikiLeaks release of 250,000 documents when she, Snow Goddess of Wasilla, was easily able to get a federal judge to stop Gawker from publishing terrible, embarrassingly written excerpts from her book several days before its release, with little more than a wink, growl and millions of dollars in legal fees.
“Inexplicable: I recently won in court to stop my book ‘America by Heart’ from being leaked," she tweeted, "but US Govt can't stop Wikileaks' treasonous act?”
By "stop" Sarah, of course, means "drop a predator drone missile on."

What is even more inexplicable, however, is that Constitutional scholar Sarah Palin doesn't seem to understand that while America may be her (and Jesus') favoritest country in the whole world who can smart bomb all the evil Muslims it wants anytime, anyplace, anywhere, sadly, its wonderful system of laws (including treason, the only crime defined in the Constitution) does not apply to other sovereign nations like Sweden, where the founder of WikiLeaks is located, because a foreigner cannot commit treason against the United States. That's reserved for citizens, and whatever Joe Lieberman is considered, only.


Oh and also, Sar, in America we have this little thing known as the “Freedom of the Press” which includes the right to be free from prior restraints aka oppressive censorship or stopping publications and communications before they even have a chance to reach the public.

So there you have it Sarah...that's why the black man can't do anything about this right now.

Inexplicable: Obama managed to have his Portuguese water dog Bo neutered, but SarahPalinUSA can't keep her dumb clan of grizzly cubs from spawning all over the place??

Please, please, dear God, let this woman become President so she can be in charge of all pointless wars everywhere, sue the dickens out of evil blogs like Gawker for freedom, and run our government the way it it is supposed to be run:

In 140-special-needs-characters or less. On Twitter...from her snow-covered back porch in the middle of the frozen Arctic tundra.

Oh, you betcha!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Eric Cantor & GOP Productions Present The Official Freshmen Survival Guide Warning Dumb, New Republicans Not To Pull Usual Dumb, Old Tricks

Between hours of boring lectures on the floor by day and secret orgies with orange Boehners by night, Congress can be a very scary place!

Good thing the #2 ranked House Republican, but #1 most caring member, Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia, is looking out for his fellow incoming Grand Old Party members still enjoying Freshman orientation to make sure they don't do anything dumb and stupid to fuck up everything for everyone, before he and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots even get a chance to do that themselves.

It's called "Hit the Ground Running," and tucked into Eric Cantor's Official Freshmen Guide is 144 pages of helpful hints and tips for the new kids on how to avoid your basic missteps, mishaps, Minneapolis airport men's rooms, DC Madam prostitution rings, screw-ups, or even so much as the appearance of fuck-uppery in the eyes of lecherous librul reporters. (Ooops, looks like at least one frosh clearly forgot to read his Official Freshmen Guide in time).
In the introduction, Cantor writes, “A new member’s first term is critically important, especially for those whom have just won with a narrow margin. This manual is designed to get you on the right track right off the bat and will help you avoid common early mistakes and pitfalls.” (Here's lookin' at you Mr. Newly elected Rep. Andy "I Hate ObamaCare, Now Give Me My Free Gubmint Health Care" Harris.)
Examples of the wisest words of wisdom:
• "Read and re-read the U.S. Constitution." (Apparently, it is all the rage these days! Those Teabag people will simply not shut up about it!)
• "Don't be afraid to say, 'No.'" (Umm, duh! It's 'Yes" that should make you run screaming for your legislative life).
• "Don't try to learn everything on day one." (Haha, don't be silly, Eric! They've never learned anything in one day, let alone everything there is to know about bein' a lawmaker in one fell swoop).
But, okay! We got it! Err, wait, we're supposed to say, "no," right? Unless that's one of those things we're not supposed to learn on day one. Ugh, make up your darn mind already, Cantor!
Another “Insider Tip” states, “It is not uncommon these days for members to be quizzed on the Constitution at town halls and other constituent meetings. The more constitutional knowledge that you obtain, the better.”
So, umm a word to the wise, don't go pulling a Christine O'Donnell now, capisce?

Don't hire commies, spies, or anyone not a perfect, beautiful Republican:
The manual also stresses that hiring members of the GOP is vital: "Hire Republicans: Loyalty Matters and it will be extremely difficult to engender loyalty if staffers are not committed to your philosophy. A non-Republican is likely to be unhappy working for you."
Wait the Republicans have an actual philosophy?? Other than be white, rich, and believe in the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to stop that terrible, no-good, secret Muslim terrorist Socialist Barack Hussein Obama. It's like they always say, if it ain't rich white and male, it's time to let that baby sail!

Oh, and also watch out for the lamestream media lurking in the shadows with questions ready and cameras rolling. Same goes for those smart alec bloggers always lookin' to start trouble for innocent lawmakers, particularly Grand Old Patriotic ones who get caught doing the very terrible, Godless things they're always ranting about.
“Certain members of the media will be looking to ‘ambush’ unsuspecting freshmen as they walk to the Capitol to vote. A way to avoid dealing with members of the press: go underground when heading to the House floor for votes. If it’s a contentious issue and you don’t wish to be interviewed, then take the tunnel.”
So many rules, so many traps! The life of a congressman sure can be perilous!
“Be cognizant that you are often on TV when on the House floor. Checking of e-mails on your BlackBerry can often wind up in the press,” one 'Insider Tip' states.

"Always assume you're on camera when you are in the Chamber. Even if you are simply looking at your cell phone, you might appear to be asleep. It's happened to other members." (Advice from Rep. Gregg Harper, R-Miss.)
And take it from Cantor, you can end up looking like a real douchebag if you're not careful.
Ethics is touched on throughout the book: “It is important to keep in mind that even if you haven’t violated any rules, the appearance of impropriety can be just as damaging. So always be certain that everything you do as a member is — and appears to be — above board,” the manual states.
But really more the "appears to be" part.
“If you don’t want to see an activity or event reported on the front page of the local newspaper, don’t do it.” 
That goes for beating up your wife, mistress, or even the prostitute you picked up on the corner. Also, sex acts involving diapers and/or soliciting cops in airport bathrooms are strongly discouraged.
On “Being an Effective Floor Member,” the manual recommends that members know the answer to two important questions before casting a vote on the House floor: “Be prepared for two eventual questions every time you cast your vote on the House floor: did you read the bill, and is it constitutional?”
Obviously, since it is Republicans we're talking about, the answer should be "no," and "hell no," respectively.
Under legislative goals, the House GOP leadership urges caution: “If your legislation creates a new program, or increases spending, stop and ask yourself [if] it’s worth borrowing 40 cents of every dollar spent.”
Only for war, my friends, only for war. Well, that and undercover sex orgies, gay or otherwise.

Isn't college congress great?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Scholar Sarah Palin Gives America's Lamestream Media A Wink & Very Important Lesson In Journalism

Never-ending nightmare, glorified nature guide and possible 2012 presidential candidate Sarah Palin went on the only fair and balanced network in all the lamestream media, Fox News, to tell its decidedly unbiased host Sean Hannity all the sensible reasons why she, Sarah Louise Palin, will not bother speaking to biased interviewers like Katie Couric or answer any of their biased, gotcha! questions like "what newspapers do you read?" because of all the bias 'n stuff.

After all, Sarah is a journalist.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree. I studied journalism, who, what, where, when, and why of reporting," Sarah said, trying her very hardest to remember the Five Ws she scribbled on the palm of her hand while a student at University of Hawaii at Hilo, Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, Matanuska-Susitna College, University of Idaho, err, one of the five colleges she attended in six years.

"I will speak to reporters who still understand that cornerstone of our democracy, that expectation that the public has for truth to be reported.  And then we get to decide our own opinion based on the facts reported to us," Sarah added, channeling the very journalistic integrity that defined her pivotal Pulitzer prize-worthy months-long stint as a sports reporter for the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman.

“So a journalist, a reporter who is so biased and will, no doubt, spin and gin up whatever it is that I have to say to create controversy, I swear to you, I will not my waste my time with her. Or him."

Hear that all you arugula eating librul mainstream media elites with your hoity-toity grammar rules ginnin' up whatever it is Sarah has to say to create controversy or even an actual coherent sentence in the English language because of some crazy notion that word order and syntax are not optional.

“As for doing an interview, though, with a reporter who already has such a bias against whatever it is that I would come out and say? Why waste my time? No."

Like say if for some reason she couldn't answer hard-hitting, almost impossible questions like, "What's your favorite moose recipe?" "Where's Waldo?" or "When it comes to establishing your world view, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read?" and the interviewer kept pressing her because maybe they had a bias against stupid Alaskan flakes (not the snow kind) seriously attempting to be vice-president.

Well, no thank you, ma'am! Besides, the only thing she reads is her own unbiased Facebook page, so take that, Katie, you smug little smarty pants with your big words, functioning brain, and more than special needs command of the English language.

Not to mention, Katie Couric's not even on Fox, and everyone knows Jesus died for our sins so unqualified politicians plucked from the middle of nowhere could go on round-the-clock right wing propaganda machines instead of actual news programs that expect you to answer their simple, straightforward questions, not wink and grunt non sequiturs.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism."

Sarah, stupid? Haha! That's unpossible!

Dang media elites!

What she really meant to say was: "Me want fix to help news media the mess it is today since learn I good journalism."

Sarah Palin my name is, and this, I approve, message.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Unemployed Strategist Meghan McCain Wants To Use Her Big Breasts, Err, Brain To Help Republicans "Kick Obama's Ass" In 2012

OMG, alert the press! Alleged political pundit, "Dirty Sexy Politics" author, and racy boob Twitpic extraordinaire Meghan McCain is currently available as a "strategist" for the 2012 elections, just in case any Republicans would like some help losing their various presidential bids.

But act fast because this dynamo political mind, which went a whopping 1-for-5 in election night predictions (Christine O'Donnell, really??), won't last long!
“I made some predictions. I am now zero and four… I’m actually a pretty good blackjack player, but I made, I was like, ‘Meg Whitman’s gonna win, Sharron Angle all the way! And Meg Whitman, yeah!”
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, yeah!! Or in blackjack terms, I'm pretty much what you'd call a total bust, yeah! Woohoo! Perhaps I should just stick with sending out Twitter pics of my massive, bountiful breasts, yeah!

Word on the street is everyone who's anyone is already clamoring to snag Meggy's brilliant, one-of-a-kind political mind, and solicit her savvy services...Just ask Meghan!

From Politico:
Speaking at the Miami Book Fair International to promote her book, "Dirty Sexy Politics," the daughter of Sen. John McCain expressed an interest in working as a Republican "strategist."
"I've already had people interested in me working, which is unbelievably flattering," McCain said. "I want to go out and do it all over again with somebody else — I want to go get a Republican elected. I want to kick Obama's ass the next election and get a Republican elected."
OMG, totes! Meghan will help you "kick Obama's ass," just like she did in 2008!

Or better yet, why doesn't adorable li'l Meggy just run for president herself? Sure, the lame-o Constitution "says" you need to be 35, but maybe that old senile eternal Senator from Arizona (what's his name again?) can do something about that, like pull some strings or start hacking on the senate floor to get her some sort of exemption?

After all, Meghan said she is willing to "do anything I can" (except umm, get an actual job, obviously, but she will flash her tatas all over Twitter, free of charge!) to score a win for the GOP in 2012.

Maybe that means she's ready to pursue a career in blackjack instead of humiliating herself trying to figure out this whole politics thing. Who knows?

What Meghan does know, however, is that Obama "has done little to nothing with his administration."

HAHAHAHAHA, the dumb loser!

He doesn't even need a rich, famous daddy with lots of political connections to help him get nothing accomplished!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Sarah Palin Is Confident She Can Beat Barack Obama; Good Thing Sarah Palin's Reality Only Exists On TV

OMG America, did you hear the awesome, exciting, Earth-shattering news?? Sarah Louise Palin, the Sarah Louise Palin of the Snowy North, is "seriously considering" running for President of the world in 2012!?


Oh, and no need to wish her luck either because SarBear is simply positive she'll have no trouble beating that no-good Barack NObama has-been come election time. Mama Grizzly to the rescue!

We know this, of course, because sweet Sarah took a five minute break from her pre-scripted, faux reality teevee existence shrieking 'bout freedom while kayaking with feral Grizzly bears on a melting Alaskan ice glacier to go on a different teevee show, just so she could let Barbara Walters and the whole wide world know how, in in the deep, dark vast frozen Arctic nothingness that is her mind, she is confident she can unseat Barack Obama (from his throne) and return America to its glory days of war, bankruptcy and dumb white presidents with half a brain who suspiciously mispronounce alarmingly simple words.

Is Sarah Palin qualified to be president? Ummm, well, no, not really at all, except in the sense that she is technically, a human being born in the "United States," since the abandoned frozen meth lab known as her hometown Wasilla is still apparently part of America.

What Sarah is qualified to do, however, is appear on as many teevee shows, gossip blogs, Fox News programs, newspapers, and lamestream media outlets as is physically possible for an unemployed grifter with no actual skills to speak of except the unique ability to irritate just about everyone with a working pulse to cram into a single day.

Like Barbara Walters for instance:
"I'm looking at the lay of the land now, and ... trying to figure that out, if it's a good thing for the country, for the discourse, for my family, if it's a good thing," Palin said in an interview as part of Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People" of 2010.
Asked Walters: "If you ran for president, could you beat Barack Obama?"
"I believe so," Palin said.
For what it's worth, she also believes that refudiate is a word and Jesus created the world with a wink, "you betcha!" and single, powerful wave of his magic oil-coated miracle wand.

It could be that Sarah is simply confusing "running for president" with "starring in some dumb reality teevee show" when she expressed the belief that she, Sarah Louise could defeat Barack Hussein in anything, let alone an actual election, instead of, say, Nielsen sweeps week.

But would sweet Sarah really abandon her simple, snowbilly lifestyle and quit bein' free on her Alaskan teevee show to do something silly and unimportant like run for president? Because everyone knows, quit is not a word S.P. uses on Twitter, Facebook, or anywhere else she conducts her very substantive policy debates in 140 characters or less.

"I’m engaged in the internal deliberations candidly, and having that discussion with my family, because my family is the most important consideration here," Sarah said.

That's right. Sarah's decision to waste everyone's time running for (and losing!) the presidency is one that will be made by her family, the single most importantest thing in the world for her to parade around, exploit, dress in gorilla costume on primetime tv, and make even more moose piles of money off of, like a real American patriot.

But just in case Sarah isn't just spewing whatever nonsense pops into her vapid, petty mind so people will still pay attention to her, and is actually seriously contemplating a White House bid, perhaps we, the public, can help her decide whether her hypothetical candidacy for President is a "good thing" for "the country" (it's not), a good thing for "the discourse" (whatever that means, still, nope though), or a good thing for her "family" (eh, probably not good for them either, but seriously, who even knows what's best for Willow, Bristol and the other weirdly named Palin spawn at this point. Suicide? Exile? Chastity belts?).

All America needs to do to realize why this country needs Sarah Barracuda at its next President is to check out the new pages from her forthcoming memoir/abortion of the written word, America By Heart, leaked by the terrible, elitist arugula eating lamestream media, where Sarah proves her presidential worth by ranting against immoral, "self-esteem-enhanced but talent deprived" reality TV stars not named Bristol, while celebrating  former pregnant teenage sluts turned abstinence crusaders named Bristol, and of course, her favoritest thing in the world (other than herself!): not aborting special needs precious li'l miracles named Trig.

But sometimes undeserved fame and fortune can be sooooooo difficult!

"Let's just go back to Wasilla and stop feeding the media beast," Sarah imagines herself saying in her new picture book for patriots. "Let's give ourselves and our family a break."

Noooooooooo! Please, please Sarah! All of America, no, make that the world, is begging you, pleading with you to stay in the Godless Lower 48, so we can have the privilege of marveling at Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin's National Reality Teevee Fantasy Extravaganza in which America is the bestest, most freedom-lovingest, God-blessed nation ever to grace the face of the Earth that can smart-bomb all the gross, dirty Muslims our collective star 'n striped hearts desire.

Because you betcha Sarah will not be silenced!

She will continue goin' on teevee, fightin' for fetuses to get their very own not-at-all bizarre "I'm glad you're here" book dedications from their proud mothers congratulating these soon-to-be-birthed special needs miracles on earning the right to exit their mother's wombs so they too can be exploited for mama's personal and professional gain.

Because if it’s good Television, it’s good for America.

And even Sarah knows you can't spell America without "ME."

Thursday, November 18, 2010

New, Anti-ObamaCare Congressman Furious His Evil, Socialist Government-Funded Health Care Won't Start Immediately

Hi kids, it's meet your crazy, newly-elected Republican congressman who's already done something absolutely batshit insane on the first freakin day, time!


His name is Andy Harris and he is an anesthesiologist and brand spankin' newly elected Republican from Maryland’s Eastern Shore (wherever the hell that is) who ran on oh, just your average repeal-socialist-health-care-reform-to-murder-grandma-and-baby-Trig platform.

BUT, at orientation Monday, this Mr. Andy "I Hate Health Care" Harris got VERY ANGRY when he learned that the big, bad gubmint will not be providing him with wonderful, free health care the instant he is sworn into office in January.
“He stood up and asked the two ladies who were answering questions why it had to take so long, what he would do without 28 days of health care,” said a congressional staffer who saw the exchange. The benefits session, held behind closed doors, drew about 250 freshman members, staffers and family members to the Capitol Visitors Center auditorium late Monday morning.
Ugh, I mean what the hell do you expect him to do without 28 days of health care? Act like one of the fifty million or so other dumb schlubs, with one terrible, debilitating pre-existing condition or another, like cancer, so no insurance company would so much as dare touch him with a ten foot pole? Oh, the humanity!

Besides, that's for gross poors and dirty illegals, not for rich, newly minted congressman who deserve their government provided health coverage hand-delivered on a silver platter by interns wearing elbow-length white velvet gloves the second they waltz into elitist Washington, DC to stop evil Obamacare dead in its tracks, and make sure that Americans like you will, too, get to revel in the privilege of not having health care.
“Harris then asked if he could purchase insurance from the government to cover the gap,” added the aide, who was struck by the similarity to Harris’s request and the public option he denounced as a gateway to socialized medicine.
Oh, hahahaha, silly freshmen Representatives! Always showing up at orientation with their entourage of staffers and family, asking annoying questions about hot pots in dorm rooms, and demanding to know why the awful government-subsidized health care plan they spent their entire campaign bashing as an evil Socialist plot to destroy America, takes so darn long to kick in, like a whole month, even!
Harris, a Maryland state senator who works at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore and several hospitals on the Eastern Shore, also told the audience, “This is the only employer I’ve ever worked for where you don’t get coverage the first day you are employed,” his spokeswoman Anna Nix told POLITICO. 
Oh, poor baby! Whatever will he do without precious Commie government-provided health care for a whole month? Pray to Jesus and blame the Mexicans or Democrats, depending on which part of this great land you call home?

Or better yet, just buck up, get your man-pants on and do what the rest of the country does: close your eyes and hope for the best. It's a fun way to gamble, really! Just enjoy it, bro!

Because it won't be much longer before Obama's nightmare health reform goes into effect and the thrill of Americans wingin' it & rollin' the dice with their health (and life!), will be nothing more than a distant memory of a better,  more exciting time, free from the burdens of NObama's Nanny State.

So take it from Andy! Yes, the government is ruining our nation’s health by making it easier for citizens to get health care, and yes, it is also ruining our nation’s health by making it harder for congressional citizens to get health care.

Because clearly the only reason why anyone in their right mind would go into public service is for the perks! And to get laid.

These are obviously the kind of people we want in Congress.

People like Dr. Andy Harris who "understand that the Obama-Pelosi-Hoyer agenda threatens to pull the plug on America's long-term health."

"In Washington, I will never vote to raise taxes, I will fight to repeal health-care reform, and I will work to balance the budget," Harris said in an Oct. 30 statement.

Oh wait, what's that you say? Insanity counts as a pre-existing condition? In that case, f**k it!

I'll just focus on getting screwed, instead. Or better yet, screwing over the dumb schmucks who elected me.

FreeDUMB never felt sooooooo good!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Like Husband, Like Trophy Wife...Cindy McCain Gets Bound & Gagged, Then Flip Flops On NOH8ing Fags

Everyone knows John and Cindy McCain have the bestest, most blissfully beautiful, perfectly God-blessed heterosexual marriage of convenience this great land has ever seen. It's true!

For her part, Cindy does bring plenty to the table, like her unique, one-of-a-kind rich trophy wife good looks, senile old man appeal, as much of daddy's hard-earned Anheuser-Busch beer money as Johnny's ice cold albeit ambitious li'l heart desires ($20 mil sounds about right!), and whatever else it takes to get that damn old man out of Arizona and back in Washington where he can fight for the freedom to keep gross gays in the closet and out of Army barracks for as long as it is politically expedient.


Plus, with gramps out of her adorable, blond new pixie length hair, Cindy is finally free to do as she pleases, like diddling the hunky pool boy and/or getting bound and gagged for gay rights before deciding eh, on second thought, my senile spouse might not appreciate this sexy stunt so ummm, sorry gays, screw you and your stupid struggles for equality. Find another washed up, hypocritical heiress to do your dirty work. Cindy Mac, out!

Which is certainly a far cry from just last week when sweet Cind found time to duct tape her celebrity mouth shut to shoot a spot for the anti-gay bullying PSA by the NOH8 campaign, where she basically accused her lovely husband of sharing the blame for gay kids offing themselves all over the place in record numbers, all because of the their own terrible homosinuality. Yay?
"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future," Cindy McCain says. ... "They can't serve our country openly ... Our government treats the LGBT community like second-class citizens, why shouldn't [the bullies]?"
Well for one thing, Cindy, the so-called bullies you so casually mention happen to be the same shriveled carcass who supposedly sleeps in your bed every night, but hey, you already knew that, right? Hence, the ol' pill habit??

But just in to clear up any confusion, just like her Mama Grizzly kindred spirit, SarBear, Cindy took to her favoritest Twitter to set the record straight (like the good sexuality!) about how she didn't really mean anything that she said in the NOH8 video, and totally supports her husband's one-man crusade against justice and equality for gross gays, now and forever. After all, blood is thicker than water gay teen suicide stranger blood:
"I fully support the NOH8 campaign and all it stands for and am proud to be a part of it. But I stand by my husband's stance on DADT."
Ummm, awkward? Apparently, Cindy and John did something they haven't done in years: held an actual conversation, not through their various handlers, spokespeople, and strategists.

And miracle of miracles, it worked!

Perhaps it was the lingering effects of her years of living in a prescription pill-addled haze or maybe it's just what happens after decades of living with an Alzheimer's ravaged, almost-octogenarian who resorted to selling his own decrepit soul once sugarmama's well-stocked coiffers ran out, but suddenly it was as if Cindy forgot who she was. Almost like she was two different people, even!

Luckily, thanks to the clean, Mexican-free, parched desert air, Cindy McCain suddenly returned to her good senses and remembered (I know, I know ironic!) who she is, was, and will always be.

And it certainly isn't some equal-rights defending, truth and justice-seeking progressive gay and lesbian activist. Heavens forbid! What does she look like a freakin' sellout Democrat or something? Ha!

No, no, don't be silly! Clearly, the arugula-eating elitist creators of the NOH8 campaign completely misconstrued what she really meant to say:

"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future, which is like totally true! They can't serve our country openly, thanks to God and my adorable dementia-addled, spineless hubby J. Mac, who will always be President of my heart. He treats the gross, dirty Mexicans like second-class citizens, why shouldn't everyone, with the help of our perfect government & wonderful DADT, do the same with the LGBT community, always bullying people into accepting their deviant, hellbound, abominable, rainbow Pride floating, tight speedo sportin' ways?"

So thank you Cindy for teaching us all (suicidal gay youth included) a very valuable lesson: when someone, especially the abusive, cranky old balls hubby you bankroll pressures you, you should always cave and give in to hate, particularly if it's a matter of basic human equality.

Or gay kids jumping off bridges. Either one really.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Obama White House Just Can't Decide Whether To Lay Down The Red Carpet Or Lay Themselves Down & Let Republicans Walk All Over Them Instead

It's no secret that when Republicans even so much as threaten to utter the dreaded words Democrats and taxes in the same sentence, diminutive Donkeys from Dover to Denver run screaming for the hills because nothing is more terrifying than a bunch of wild-eyed, salivating, power-starved conservatives painting liberals as crazy spend 'n tax madmen Socialists, regardless of whether it's based in reality or some Grand Old wealthy, whites-only fantasy land.

Of course, being the brave, thick-spined Party of principles that they are, the fightin' Democrats vowed just last week to focus their lame duck legislative efforts on renewing the Bush tax cuts for the middle class only. So it is likely that they'll soon cave completely to Republi—in 3, 2, oh look, they already did!

Because everyone (ahem, the every rich person with a .45 in their pocket and an oil well in their backyard) knows the Republicans' plan to extend all of the Bush income tax breaks — set to expire on January 1, 2011 — including those for the top two income brackets (aka the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans, the richest of the rich, the Crème de la Crème), permanently and post haste, is absolutely crucial to the survival of America, as a ballooning, bloated, unsustainable, grossly unequal, drunken Diva, free from the terrible scourge formerly known as the middle class.


On the other hand, the dumb ol' Democratic (or at least non-faux Dems like Nebraska Nelson) plan has been to extend all rates permanently except those for the top two income brackets, because, well, it's not really all that important to them, anyway! Not to mention would cost $700 billion less than the Republican plan over the next ten years. Which, considering we're dead broke and all, is still pretty damn generous!

Of course, it would have been a whole hell of a lot easier for Democrats to have forced a vote on the tax cuts right before the midterm elections when they still had sizable majorities in both chambers, because even the Republicans realize they can't repeatedly block a middle class tax cut (just so the rich get their much less needed lovin' too!) without looking like complete assholes, eventually.

Which is why the Dems naturally decided to wait until after they lost the House for White House political adviser and resident bad-idea breaker, David Axelrod, to gently let the whole world know the Obama administration is ready to fold like a cheap suit from the Men's Warehouse in Wasilla on the whole Bush tax cuts thing in a damn Huffington Post interview.
“We have to deal with the world as we find it,” David Axelrod said during an unusually candid and reflective 90-minute interview in his office, steps away from the Oval Office. “The world of what it takes to get this done.” (Oh right, you mean the world of bending over and taking it like a nice, li'l Democrat caving to the whims of a bunch of caffeinated Teabags? Jesus Christ, these guys!).
“There are concerns,” he added, that Congress will continue to kick the can down the road in the future by passing temporary extensions for the wealthy time and time again. “But I don’t want to trade away security for the middle class in order to make that point.”
In fact, he doesn't really know what point he's trying to make since the White House immediately tried to walk back Axelrod's statements the very next day, only to find out that's like asking Michael Vick to replace Cesar Millan as the new Dog Whisperer, only to (whoops!) uncover his secret stash of dead, mutated canine carcasses littering his spacious backyard. Or diving into the Pacific with open flesh wounds while Great Whites circle around, and then asking them to kindly forget about the human snack bobbing helplessly, tempting them from above.

So umm yeah, that's kind of difficult to take back. Plus, when the Dems try to distance themselves from looking like total pussies who whimper and curl into the fetal position before the first shots are even fired, it makes them look even worse.

At least deciding to cede all legislative control to the Republicans, in addition to all the chips at the bargaining table is an actual stance, and as such, certainly better than waffling every which way like some tweaked out, trembling Yo-Yo on a bad acid trip, which only ends up giving the Republicans exactly what they wanted without having to pay any sort of price or take the slightest risk.

Funny thing is, the Democrats can actually do this whole tax song 'n dance bullshit too. It's true! All they have to do is play the fun Republican game of saying whatever crazy half-baked, conjured up lies come into their little minds first, like say, "Let the damn things expire. The Republicans raised taxes. They were in charge of Congress when it was time to pass them. We, the valiant Dems, were willing to sign it , but apparently the Republicans are secret Muslim terrorists who hate the middle class, or at least any dumb schlubs earning less than $250,000."

Naaaaaailed it! 2012 won.

Oh, and it would reduce the deficit. Which may be a good idea at some point. Oh well!

But probably not as good an idea as handing Republicans a cheat sheet with all your strategic moves and a handwritten note sealed with a kiss and the words, "A Dummies Guide To Defeating Dumb Democrats On Taxes In 10 Easy-to-Follow, Sweat & Effort-Free Steps."

Okay then! Just call it the Don't Ask, Don't Tell of tax cuts.

"It is absolutely insane that in these tough economic times some people want to continue George W. Bush's tax giveaways to millionaires," AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka said. "Speaker Pelosi is exactly right that there should not be a so-called compromise on this issue."

"The election is over and now it's time for politicians to show courage and stand and fight on these issues for working families," the union president said. "Let the millionaires fend for themselves for a change."

Oh hahahaha, that's rich! Not as rich as the big pimpin' billionaires actually receiving the tax breaks, but hey, close enough. Besides, with all that extra cash, they can just buy their own state of the art security squad.

Which should come in handy since apparently when Rahm left the White House, he decided to take all the balls with him.

Except for one pair, of course. So put your man pants on and Rahm it home, Nancy!

Friday, November 12, 2010

GOP Rep. Spencer Bachus Finds Out The Hard Way What Happens When Silly Swamp Rats Make Mama Grizzly Mad, Very Mad!

The world's widely beloved Arctic snow drifter, the most perfect specimen since Jesus Christ Himself, Sarah Louise Palin, lent her ingenuity and grace to this year's Senate elections, endorsing several choice candidates, many of whom were spectacularly defeated, most by embarrassingly wide margins.

In several instances, Sarah's unwelcome and idiotic intrusion into the electoral landscape cost the GOP once-perfectly safe races, like backing meatball gobbling anti-masturbation witch Christine O'Donnell simply because SarBear saw a reflection of her own vapid self in the empty eyes of a similarly ditzy Delaware never-was. Or say, endorsing a lightly bearded Alaskan lumberjack, Joe Miller, with a harmless habit of arresting every no-good journylist pokin' their noses every which way, askin' too many questions, all because of her petty, longstanding grudge against fellow Alaskan Lisa Murkowski for having the audacity to also be a popular Republican with female lady parts from the frozen middle of nowhere.

Of course, one would only dare mention these wonderful facts if they had nothing to do with the Republican Party, or its special needs outreach program for obese Caucasians on Socialist Medicare scooters, the Tea Party.

Too bad Louisiana GOP Congressman Rep. Spencer Bachus didn't get the memo, because he made the grave mistake of saying what everyone with a functioning brain already knew: that Sarah Palin's Mama Grizzly campaign circus act doomed the Republicans' chances of winning both chambers of Congress by costing the Party easy victories like the one Mike Castle was supposed to cruise to in Delaware, before being unceremoniously knocked out by the Barracuda's bewitching, Bobbsey Twin on a broomstick, Christine O' (is for Orgasm-free) Donnell.

"The Senate would be Republican today except for states in which Palin endorsed candidates like Christine O'Donnell in Delaware," Bachus said. "Sarah Palin cost us control of the Senate."

And much like any dumb, pathetic sadsack who dare cross St. Sarah before him, Spencer Bachus quickly realized that unless he wanted his political career to follow the same trajectory as Sarah Palin's credibility or Bristol Palin's virginity (or wake up with a bloody severed horse head in his bed), he would be well served to get on his knees and grovel, begging her Arctic highness for forgiveness.
Questioned by the Associated Press Tuesday following his anti-Palin comments, a spokesperson for Bachus, Tim Johnson, downplayed the remark, saying it had been taken out of context...Johnson added that Rep. Bachus was “extremely complimentary” of both Palin and the Tea Party.
Out of context? What, was he actually talking about an alternate dimension? Like maybe the Sarah-controlled social networking land of cyberspace??

Oh, oops my bad! He must've been talking 'bout Pandora again, the crazy bastard!

But be careful, Bachus! Unless you want Snowbilly Sarah to send Joe Miller to handcuff you to a radiator while Rand Paul stomps on your head and Christine casts one of her signature spells (stupidity? meatballs? sexual frustration?) on your unsuspecting, gagged & bound, bashed in Bachus, err, Tuchus. Whatever, you get the gist.

Or in SarahSpeak, "an offer you can't refudiate!"

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Creepy Stalkerish Michigan Assistant Attorney General Finally Fired From His Real Job, & Is Now Free To Pursue His Other "Job" Harassing Gay College Students

Weird, creepy former Michgian Assistant Attorney General and not-at-all-suspicious self-appointed Sheriff of Sodomite Student Assembly Presidents, Andrew Shirvell, has finally been fired by ironically named Republican state Attorney General Mike Cox (ooooh, sounds sexy!) for ummm, pretty much being a weird, creepy closet case who spends his days obsessing over the sexytime exploits of an 18-year-old University of Michigan freshman student body president on his personal blog, Chris Armstrong Watch, because (duh!) God hates all homos, particularly underage, popularly-elected collegiate ones who feel comfortable in their own, terrible gay skin.

Hooray! The homosexual agenda lives!

But what the dickens changed Attorney General Mike Cox's mind that Shirvell's "extracurricular" activities 'round-the-clock harassing some college kid for both being a terrible gay and in the student government was less your everyday, ho hum exercising of First Amendment rights, and more the pathetic, borderline deranged  rantings of a self-loathing nutjob, more than likely grappling with his own deeply repressed, deviant same-sex demons?

“To be clear, I refuse to fire anyone for exercising their First Amendment rights, regardless of how popular or unpopular their positions might be," Cox said. "However, Shirvell repeatedly violated office policies, engaged in borderline stalking behavior, and inappropriately used state resources, our investigation showed.”

Oh yeah, like what?

• Showed up at the home of a private citizen three times, including once at 1:30 a.m. That incident is especially telling because it clearly was about harassing Armstrong, not engaging in free speech. (Since when is showing up at a stranger's house in the middle of the night to stage a one-man protest against some college kid's sinful, eternally hellfire damned sexuality not healthy & harmless free speech?).
• Further engaged in behavior that, while not perhaps sufficient to charge criminal stalking, was harassing, uninvited and showed a pattern that was in the everyday sense, stalking. (Eh, probably sufficiently criminal).
• Harassing Armstrong's friends as they were socializing in Ann Arbor. (For a good time...call Andrew?)
• Numerous calls to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's office, Armstrong's employer, in an attempt to slander Armstrong — and ultimately attempting to cause Pelosi to fire Armstrong. (Yeah! Good plan! That’s probably something the House Speaker gives an actual shit about!).
• Attempting to "out" Armstrong's friends as homosexual — several of whom were not gay. (Hopefully, not in the Shirvell "not gay" kinda way!).

Ugh,  sounds like a bunch of elitist liberal lies to me!

Cox also said Shirvell engaged in his campaign against Armstrong on company time and posted attacks on the college freshman on the Internet while at work.

“Finally, Shirvell lied to investigating assistant attorneys general on several occasions during his disciplinary hearing.”

By claiming to be sane and straight?

Okay, okay so maybe he lied a little. But, c'mon, Chris was Satan’s representative on the assembly AND A GAY NAZI for crying out loud!! Scout's honor!

I mean, the kid ALWAYS has an angry Nazi face and uniform (not to mention scary gay Nazi rainbow on his cheek) whenever Mr. Shirvell sits down to fantasize about him, naked and alone, for hours upon steamy hours in front of his computer every night. Doesn't that count for anything?

Armstrong’s attorney, Deborah Gordon, issued a statement in which she said the AG’s office made the correct decision. Gordon and Armstrong have filed complaints with the Michigan Grievance Commission, asking it to investigate Shirvell and possibly disbar him.

“The next step must be a complete retraction of all the malicious lies and fabrications by Mr. Shirvell, and a public apology to Chris Armstrong, his family and the others Mr. Shirvell has slandered.”

Okay fine, but only if Andrew gets to give him a big hug and hold him close in his arms for at least five minutes.

Gordon went on to say it’s time for Shirvell to realize there are consequences to his “reckless, outrageous statements and actions and that he is solely responsible for those consequences.”

Like say his new livelihood: Andrew Shirvell, P.I., Gay-Nazi Undergrad Investigation Unit, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

If that doesn't work, there's always Michigan State. Something tells me ol' Andrew will find stalking Spartans even more rewarding than stalking Wolverines. Call it a hunch. They're fit, strong, sexy, look hot as hell in spandex, and they don't come with all that unsightly hair. Rumor has it they even exercise in the buff, too!

Plus, I hear they're even in the hunt for a new men's wrestling coach!

Which sure beats his other option as the 100% Heterosexual Minneapolis Airport men's room concierge, personal bathroom stall attendant, and knob polisher extraordinaire, now that Larry Craig has officially retired from duty.

But be forewarned, those sure are some wide (stance) shoes to fill!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Wanna One Day Become Awesome President Like George W. Bush, Too? Just Quit Boozin' & Stop Askin' Weird Sex Questions!

The heavy burden of being President of the world is brilliantly revealed in the pop-up children's book, Crazy S**t I Did While Fightin' For Freedom, also known as, Decision Points, George W. Bush's new word-filled memoir reminding the nation how lucky we are that he dropped his little drinking habit to fulfill his destiny as the bestest, most Constitution-lovingest, longest serving president thus far in the 21st Century.


And thank heavens for that, because can you even begin to imagine what the first decade of the 2000s would be like without George W. Bush steady at the helm??

Good thing you don't have to, because our beloved national leader managed to kick his fun, Texas-sized booze habit, but not before doing plenty of dumb, crazy stuff while still a fallen down drunken mess, like racking up DUI tickets and embarrassing his upstanding parents' high society friends with bizarre sex questions.

Apparently alcohol and "wise-asses" don't mix:
"So I’m drunk at the dinner table at Mother and Dad’s house in Maine. And my brothers and sister are there, Laura’s there. And I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman, friend of Mother and Dad’s," says Bush. "And I said to her out loud, 'What is sex like after 50?'"

After that, one could hear a pin drop. It was “total silence,” says Bush. ” And not only silence, but like serious daggers” from my mom and my wife.

"I was a wiseass, and I would do stupid things, and alcohol had control over me. The interesting thing-- I end the anecdote with the woman writing me a letter on my 50th birthday, when I was governor of Texas, "Dear Governor: Well, what's the answer?"
Ha ha, and now when he asks that same question, it is Laura who won't answer!

So umm, thanks George and a hearty congratulations on your longtime sobriety. Too bad the rest of America has developed a serious drinking problem as a result, but hey, anything for a friend!

Oooooh, what other exciting juicy li'l tidbits does ol' cowboy George reveal on his current "Say Outrageous Things To Get People To Buy My Dumb Book Nobody Would Read Otherwise" tour?

Oh yeah, he hates abortion because this one time his mama Babs had a miscarriage when he was a teenager and liked to parade around her dead offspring in a jar.
"She said to her teenage kid, 'Here's the fetus,' " the shockingly candid Bush told NBC's Matt Lauer, gesturing as if he were holding the jar during the TV chat.

"I never expected to see the remains of the fetus, which she had saved in a jar to bring to the hospital," Bush writes in his new book, "Decision Points," in an excerpt Lauer read during the interview.

"There was a human life, a little brother or sister," Bush told the "Today" host during the sit-down to promote his tome, which hits stores tomorrow. “There’s no question that affected me, a philosophy that we should respect life.”
But only if it's a miscarried zygote in a jar. Once it's born? Eh, screw it! Junior's on his own!
But “the purpose of the story wasn’t to try show the evolution of a pro-life point of view,” Bush insisted to Lauer.
It was to show the evolution of a disturbed, f**ked-up childhood? To scare the kiddies on Halloween? Show the world no one puts baby in a jar? Enlighten us good sir, please!
"It was really to show how my mom and I developed a relationship."
Oh sweet suffering Jesus, we're guessin' that must've been the smart and talented one.

Just imagine what could have been if only it was a dead Iraqi child his mother carried around in a Mason jar!

Maybe he would have never stopped tossing back bottles of Jack and gotten himself together enough for the Supreme Court to install him as Supreme Leader of America. And then maybe he would never have been able to shock and awe all those Iraqi women and children by spreading beautiful freedom (and smart bombs) all across the parched desert land.

But either way, a born again Bush is certainly a hell of a lot better than a dead again Dick Cheney, since Bush still has a good enough sense of humor to privately mock Arctic Hurricane Sarah Palin, and enough decency (not to mention, an actual human heart) to keep quiet about President Obama.

"I don't think it's good for a former president to be out there opining on every darned issue," George W. Bush told Oprah Winfrey. "He's got a plenty tough job. Trust me. And there's gonna be plenty of critics, and he doesn't need me criticizing him. And I don't think it's good for the presidency. Other people have a different point of view."

Like a certain pulseless monster vice president with two DD Duracell batteries for a heart, and a hobby of shooting his best friends in the face before demanding an apology for all the inconvenience of your big stupid face getting in the way of his perfect, Christ-blessed bullet.

And since Bush is "through with politics," he doesn't want to predict what might happen in 2012, either.

When asked about the possibility of Sarah Palin’s 2012 presidential bid, Bush deflected the question, saying "I am not a political pundit ... I'm really not."

"And secondly, a lot is gonna happen between now and the nominating process. I — I have no clue."

Winfrey pressed him, saying she didn’t need punditry."I'm just asking you your opinion," she said.

But Bush wasn't biting: "You're asking me to wade back into the swamp."

"Come on in," Winfrey responded. "Come on in."

Hehehe, don't be silly Oprah! Don't ya know, W doesn't do the whole colored thing! What, didn't Katrina teach you anything?? Just ask Kanye if you don't believe me.

Addressing his own dismal popularity ratings when he left office, Bush said someone recently told him that his stature in the eyes of the American people was rising. (Umm, were they drunk?)

But he insisted that wasn't important to him.

"If you chase popularity, you are chasing a moment. You are chasing a puff of air," he told Lauer.

C'mon, it's much more fun to chase WMDs instead.

Of course, Bush had nothing but praise for his father, George H.W. Bush The Elder, who was president from 1989 to 1993.

"He never disappointed me," Bush said. "He was always a great father."

Besides, disappointment was always Dubya's department, anyway!

Monday, November 8, 2010

What America Needs Now Is A Smug Quitter Like Evan Bayh Who Doesn't Know How To Say Bye-Bye Lecturing Democrats How To Become Rightwing Republicans

What America needs now, more than anything (jobs even!) is a smug, smarmy, sleazeball sellout like former Sen. Evan Bayh writing a guest op-ed in the elitist liberal rag, The New York Times to lecture his fellow Democrats about why they too must become a conservative party of far right wingnuts if they ever hope to be awesome winners, like him, ever again.


Because it is always delightful to be patronized and condescended by someone who, after collecting $10 million in campaign cash for an election in which he would likely cruise to victory, decided eh, on second thought, Congress has gotten a little too meany for my tastes, so I think I'll just retire instead. And while I'm at it, of course, keep the 10 mil in cold hard campaign cash 'cause why would I want some dumb fellow Democrat to win my seat when I could leave it to former lobbyist Republican Dan Coats instead?

You see, Evan Bayh is from the old school, a kinder, gentler time when things weren't so bitterly partisan and fat, anonymous slobs in robes and slippers didn't rudely criticize the dignity of United States Senators on their weblogs.

And, as you can imagine, Gentleman Bayh doesn't much care for this new breed of congressional rancor. So instead of say, maybe staying in the Senate to actually try to change things from the inside — oh I don't know by tweaking archaic filibuster rules, reforming campaign finance, enacting laws prohibiting no-good bloggers from saying terrible meany things about elected officials — Bayh decided he could be waaaaay more effective quitting and complaining all the time.

So please, Evan, enlighten the rest of us brainless dolts about what went wrong for Democrats in the elections.
Many of our problems were foreseeable. A public unhappy about the economy will take it out on the party in power, even if the problems began under previous management. What’s more, when one party controls everything — the House, the Senate, the White House — disgruntled voters have only one target for their ire. And the president’s party almost always loses seats in midterm elections.
Ok, good to know at least one part can be blamed on history instead of the no-good yellow belly Democrats for once.
And we were too deferential to our most zealous supporters. During election season, Congress sought to placate those on the extreme left and motivate the base - but that meant that our final efforts before the election focused on trying to allow gays in the military, change our immigration system and repeal the George W. Bush-era tax cuts. These are legitimate issues but unlikely to resonate with moderate swing voters in a season of economic discontent.
OMG totes! Except for that one, not-at-all significant, tiny little detail that the Dems didn't work that hard on any of those (hence why none actually passed), despite all three being broadly supported by independent voters.

I mean, why should Democrats care about silly, unimportant things like equality, justice, sensible economic policies, or pushing through widely popular initiatives broad majorities of Americans support, such as repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell (75 percent), passing the Immigration/DREAM Act (70 percent), and letting the Bush tax cuts for the richest Americans expire (59 percent) when they could just spend all their time focusing solely on business and Wall Street?

Hmmm, in retrospect, I suppose it would have been prudent to address the economic discontent during the campaign season in a way that appeals to moderate swing voters and gets lots of attention, perhaps by introducing the "Best Bill In The World To Instantly Fix The Economy & Make Everything All Better." Then, surely the "extreme left" and magnificent moderates Bayh's always orgasming about would fully support its signing.
First, we have more than a communications problem — the public heard us but disagreed with our approach. Democrats need not reassess our goals for America, but we need to seriously rethink how to reach them.
Give em the ol' Eric Massa reach around?
Second, don’t blame the voters. They aren’t stupid or addled by fear. They are skeptical about government efficacy, worried about the deficit and angry that Democrats placed other priorities above their main concern: economic growth.
Oh so that's what all those semi-literate, misspelled "NObamar is Hitler" signs are all about! Silly me, why didn't I realize that? Makes such perfect sense!
So, in the near term, every policy must be viewed through a single prism: does it help the economy grow?
Followed immediately by the second most important question, does this help the rich get richer??
A good place to start would be tax reform. Get rates down to make American businesses globally competitive. Reward savings and investment. Simplify the code to reduce compliance costs and broaden the base. In 1986, this approach attracted bipartisan support and fostered growth.
Hear that Democrats? You wanna be winners? Then start acting a little less like liberal losers and a little more like strapping Grand Old Patriots who are always right, pure, and good, and can do no wrong.
The stereotype of Democrats as wild-eyed spenders and taxers has been resurrected. To regain our political footing, we must prove to moderates that Democrats can make tough choices. Democrats should ban earmarks until the budget is balanced. The amount saved would be modest - but with ordinary Americans sacrificing so much, the symbolic power of politicians cutting their own perks is huge.
Democrats should support a freeze on federal hiring and pay increases. Government isn't a privileged class and cannot be immune to the times.
Aww, hell yeah! The only privileged class that should be immune to the times are the few, the proud, the millionaires like Evan Bayh and the rest of his Grand Old Profiteers in the highest income bracket.

Because everyone ('cept the dumb, easily duped public?) knows the vast majority of Americans and swing voters in general will never hear about, much less feel, either of these things. Nor will symbolic tactical moves like "cutting the deficit" save the Democrats, put food on the table, or help Junior get a job.

But, umm, nice try??

Then again, they don't call 'em the Grand Old Pretenders for nothing.

So thank you Evan Bayh for sharing your sage wisdom on how to advance legislative solutions by cowardly quitting your actual position of power when things got tough, and also teaching Democrats all sorts of delightful tricks like how to become the strong, successful party everyone respects by championing policies that benefit the rich and appease conservatives while moving the country towards some sort of mythical magical happy land "center."

In other words, how to become the new, old Republican Party!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Bummer Bones Barack EMObama's Sorry He's Not A Dumb White Republican Who Bankrupts America & Bombs Everyone Else

Long-faced loser President Barack EMObama moped around the White House yesterday, making his obligatory big post-election press conference about how bad it feels to get shellacked, before putting on his old Bulls sweatsuit, plopping on the West Wing couch and stuffing his face with arugula chips and Ben & Jerry's for the next two years because clearly America will not be satisfied until a gubmint-hating Teabagger who moonlights as an SS officer in their spare time, occupies the Oval Office.

Because the Republicans gaining control of the House of Representatives (and 1/6th of government overall) in in your standard midterm election shuffle is less a result of the massive wave of enthusiastic, over-caffeinated Teabaggers flooding polling places in every bumblef**k town in Real America and more a national referendum on America's collective hatred of that awful NOBama and his terrible, no good Socialist policies  helping kids with leukemia get actual health care, not suddenly dropped from coverage by the nice insurance companies who figure they might as well save a few bucks since the hapless kid's probably gonna die anyway.
President Obama, appearing somber and reflective after what he described as a "shellacking" at the polls Tuesday night, acknowledged that, "People are frustrated. They're deeply frustrated with the pace of our economic recovery and the opportunities that they hope for their children and their grandchildren. They want jobs to come back faster."
So wave your magic wand and make it all better already, wouldya Barry!

When asked about GOP plans to work for repeal of his health-care legislation, even bummed out emo Obama cautioned that "we'd be misreading the election if we thought that the American people want to see us for the next two years relitigate arguments that we had over the last two years."

But he said he would be "happy to consider" slight modifications to  the legislation and listen to "good ideas wherever they come from."


No, silly! The Republican Pledge To America, duh! There, you will learn all about the wonderful world where talking points and powerpoints serve as the preferred substitute for, say, a real budget, without annoying, silly things like details and solutions.

For example:
- Help small businesses
- Make economy better
- Reagan
- Profit
Economy all better!

Health care reform? Hapuff, that's easy! "Tort Reform" aka "No More Malpractice Lawsuits." There, health care fixed, easy peasy. Now, we can move on to important matters like which dumb Muslim country to bomb next!

Still, Obama acknowledged that it would not be easy to reach agreement on contentious issues, and  "without any Republican support on anything, it's going to be hard to get things done."

But certainly a hell of a lot easier for the Dems to get unceremoniously tossed out of power, just like the Republicans always dreamed it would be!

However, sad, defeated President Obama said that he is "very eager to sit down with members of both parties and figure out how we can move forward together," adding that, "I'm not suggesting this will be easy. I won't pretend that we'll be able to bridge every difference or solve every disagreement."

Ugh, failure!

Obama nevertheless said he believes "there is hope for civility." And he urged elected officials to remember "that our first allegiance as citizens is not to party or a region or a faction, but to country. Because while we may be proud Democrats or proud Republicans, we are prouder to be Americans."

Speak for yourself, Hussein!
"As I reflect on what's happened over the last two years, one of the things that I think has not been managed by me as well as it needed to be was finding the right balance in making sure that businesses have rules of the road and are treating customers fairly . . . but also making absolutely clear that the only way America succeeds is if businesses are succeeding."
Forget the way of the Tao, it's the way of the Dow in these parts, Barry!

But Obama did seem to take comfort in the fact that history is on his side,  reflecting that presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton experienced similar midterm defeats.
"You know, this is something that I think every president needs to go through, because...the responsibilities of this office are so enormous and so many people are depending on what we do, and in the rush of activity sometimes we lose track of...the ways that we connected with folks that got us here in the first place," Obama said. "Now, I'm not recommending for every future president that they take a shellacking like I did last night. You know, I'm sure there're easier ways to learn these lessons."
Become white and conservative?
“The relationship that I’ve had with the American people is one that built slowly, peaked at this incredible high, and then during the course of the last two years, as we’ve together gone through some very difficult times, has gotten rockier and tougher,” Obama said.
Whoa, whoa, OMG, is Obama breaking up with America? So hard to tell with those damn emos!

Although, he said he was sure that this relationship would "have some more ups and downs" during the rest of his presidency.

Phew!! But seriously cheer up, young president Barry! Economies improve eventually. It Gets Better.

Didn't the Mama Grizzlies teach you anything? Man up, B!!

Screw the nice guy routine, it's time to get tough!

Luckily, one liberal commenter took the liberty of writing a new, slightly less somber, slightly more smackdown post-election script for the president:
"Look, you ignorant, Fox News-watching rednecks....I have heard your illogical cries to 'cut government spending' and will do just that — starting immediately.
"I'm implementing a 20 percent cut to ALL federal programs, starting with the three federal programs that consume the majority of our tax dollars: Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security and Defense.
"Don't whine to me about how you 'need' your government-subsidized Medicare or Medicaid...you want cuts to government spending; you'll get cuts to government spending.
"Don't bitch about how you can't afford to have your Social Security check cut. You've made it clear that federal budget cuts are your priority.
"And just in case you think we need MORE defense spending, let me fill you in — the US military budget is larger than the military budgets of China, Britain, France, Russia, Germany, Japan, Saudia Arabia, Italy, South Korea, Brazil, Canada, and Australia combined.
"YOU may want to piss our tax dollars away in unwinnable wars, but since you've demanded cuts to federal spending, I'll be lopping 20 percent off the the defense budget.
"In short, fuck you brain-dead idiots. Ask for cuts to federal spending and you'll get cuts to federal spending. Please direct any whining to the Republicans you voted into office, because I'm done with you inbred asshole teabaggers."
Man pants on, Barry out! Word.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Orangeman Cometh...To Walk The Line Or Burn Down The House?

Get excited America, because last night was the night Republicans "took back Washington" from smart presidents with scary brown skin, wrested control of the House from that no-good Nazi Pelosi lady always prattling on about silly things like equality and helping those gross poors and gays, and with the blessings of Jesus Christ, the bear market, and throngs of colonial-clad conservatives, hand power to its newest, glowingest orange leader John Boehner so he and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots can enact their wonderful agenda impeaching NObama, privatizing the Constitution, and stomping on liberal ladies' heads for freedom.


Of course, this grand ol' takeover could not have been possible without both the crazy, caffeinated wave of misspelled sign-waving Teabaggers and the brilliant speechwriting team of Mr. John Boehner, who has been traversing the country, invoking fond, imagined memories of dead entertainers and country singers in some fairytale mom & pop America of yesteryear that exists only in the minds of desperate, power starved Republicans, Sears Christmas catalogs, the writers of Mad Men, and apparently John Boehner.
"Remember when Ronald Reagan was president? We had Bob Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Think about where we are today. We have got President Obama. But we have no hope and we have no cash."
Awww, snap! High fives all around for Boehner's speechwriting team! Dropping the names of three unrelated semi-iconic Americans in some lame, pathetic attempt to connect these cultural legends with some nostalgia washed, romanticized version of the good, old Ronny Reagan era of trickle down economics, corporate consolidation, and social rollbacks?

Hell, that's like the rhetorical equivalent of those graphic tees where Kurt Cobain shreds the axe with Jimi Hendrix on fluffy white clouds, surrounded by beautiful angels in heaven, while God smiles down from above.

So umm, go Boehner!?


Eh, not according to the people who are actually related to a certain Mr. Johnny Cash, like outspoken daughter, singer and author Roseanne who took to the Twitter to blast the now-new glowing Speaker of the House John Boehner in 140 choice characters (or less!) as an orange butt-shaped hat, what else?

"Asshat!" Well, that is pretty much a fitting description of the man.

Remember when W was President and America had all the Bush it could ever hope for? We had Bob Hope False Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Corporate Cash. Think about where we are today. We have no hope and we have no cash, but we do have one helluva big, orange Boehner!

A true Republican of color.

Ah yes, the future is indeed bright (orange), teeming with optimism (and cigarette tar), and sizzling with possibilities, not to mention, the burnt, electric UV ray fried brain of an abnormally orange overlord.

That's House Majority Leader "Asshat" Boehner to you!

It's mourning in America, or at least for those of us with critical thinking skills, fair skin, and an aversion to celebrating Ash Wednesday, every time a new chain-smoking Grand Old Pall Mall Patriot becomes Speaker of the House.

Let's just hope Capitol Hill is flame-retardant.

Monday, November 1, 2010

President Obama Finally Agrees To Meet Liberal Bloggers So They Can Maybe Ask & He Can Not Really Tell Why He'll Get To Their Damn Issues One Of These Years

Okay, so 18 looooong, haaaaard months have gone by since President Barack Obama took the oath of office and half the country collectively lost their minds, suddenly afflicted with a severe case of Obama Derangement Syndrome, where once seemingly normal citizens morph into shrieking mobs of obese white supremacists, with bad hygiene and greasy hair, who dress in colonial garb, wave Hitler signs, and toss teabags at gross poor people.

But for those of us who still have our wits about us, full possession of our faculties, and don't stomp on ladies' heads when we disagree with their political leanings, assessing President Obama's accomplishments is somewhat more difficult than simply shrieking "Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist!" every time the man opens his mouth or tries to do anything even taking Bo out for his morning run on the White House South Lawn.

What we do know and can say with total confidence, however, is that President Obama's first year and a half in office likely falls somewhere between the Third Reich and The Rapture, depending on whether you think Jesus weeps Hurricanes & Tsunamis every time gay sex occurs, homosexuals are treated like actual human beings with the same constitutional rights and protections as everyone else, and if America is best served by a non-masturbating (but meatball loving!) witch (who's also you!) as is newest Senator from Delaware.

Disclaimer: for those of you who answered yes to the above questions, you might want to leave now and go assemble the fallout shelter and post-apocalyptic survival kits you purchased from Glenn Beck's latest, greatest (non-gold plated), get rich-quick scheme to keep America fat 'n fearful, Food Insurance, cause you never know which Beef Stroganoff will be your last.

But for the rest of you arugula-eating elitists who are no more concerned with the End of Days, than say, the end of Dancing with the Stars, and don't feel a pressing need to take our country back from a scary, Democratically elected black man in the White House, get excited cause the fun is just getting started!

Because for the first time since declaring war on the so-called professional left, the very people who helped a certain Mr. Hopey Changey become a certain President Hopey-Changey (like as soon as he beats Gibbs at H-O-R-S-E?), Barack Obama invited some special friends to the White House for a first-of-its-kind, in-person chat: the liberal bloggers who are always saying terrible, meany things about him!

But that's not it! He also...wait for it...agreed to give actual answers to the very important questions on everyone's mind, and some of them even made sense! Woohooo!

Like where exactly the self-proclaimed fiercest LGBT advocate, but seemingly, the fiercest one night stand, President Barack Hussein Obama stands on goin' ahead and granting equal rights and all that jazz for those pesky gay and lesbians who naively fell for the whole hope/change thing, with the assumption that it would happen in their actual lifetime.

It is no surprise that one of the more outspoken liberal (psst, socialist!) critics of Obama's slow, steady, almost undetectable pace on gay rights AMERICABlog's Joe Sudbay used his special presidential face-time to focus on the up-until-now taboo issues of Obama's legislative strategy for repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell (he has one!) and icky same-sex marriage, which the president has been about as willing to discuss as he is willing to throw on Muslim garb and walk into a mosque on Sunday.

Take it away, Joe!
Q: I was glad to hear that you and your staff appreciate constructive feedback.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, that’s something we enjoy. (Laughter.)

Q: We’ve been more than willing to offer that. We’ve certainly been more than willing to offer that from AMERICAblog, particularly on issues related to the LGBT community, which, you know, there is a certain amount of disillusionment and disappointment in our community right now.

And one of the things I’d like to ask you -- and I think it’s a simple yes or no question too -- is do you think that “don’t ask, don’t tell” is unconstitutional?

THE PRESIDENT: It’s not a simple yes or no question, because I’m not sitting on the Supreme Court. And I’ve got to be careful, as President of the United States, to make sure that when I’m making pronouncements about laws that Congress passed I don’t do so just off the top of my head.

I think that -- but here’s what I can say. I think “don’t ask, don’t tell” is wrong. I think it doesn’t serve our national security, which is why I want it overturned. I think that the best way to overturn it is for Congress to act. In theory, we should be able to get 60 votes out of the Senate. The House has already passed it. And I’ve gotten the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to say that they think this policy needs to be overturned -- something that’s unprecedented.

And so my hope and expectation is, is that we get this law passed. It is not just harmful to the brave men and women who are serving, and in some cases have been discharged unjustly, but it doesn’t serve our interests -- and I speak as Commander-in-Chief on that issue.

Let me go to the larger issue, though, Joe, about disillusionment and disappointment. I guess my attitude is that we have been as vocal, as supportive of the LGBT community as any President in history. I’ve appointed more openly gay people to more positions in this government than any President in history. We have moved forward on a whole range of issues that were directly under my control, including, for example, hospital visitation.

On “don’t ask, don’t tell,” I have been as systematic and methodical in trying to move that agenda forward as I could be given my legal constraints, given that Congress had explicitly passed a law designed to tie my hands on the issue.

And so, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think that the disillusionment is justified.

Now, I say that as somebody who appreciates that the LGBT community very legitimately feels these issues in very personal terms. So it’s not my place to counsel patience. One of my favorite pieces of literature is “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” and Dr. King had to battle people counseling patience and time. And he rightly said that time is neutral. And things don’t automatically get better unless people push to try to get things better.

So I don’t begrudge the LGBT community pushing, but the flip side of it is that this notion somehow that this administration has been a source of disappointment to the LGBT community, as opposed to a stalwart ally of the LGBT community, I think is wrong.
Not like gay wrong, or anything terrible like that, but wrong nonetheless. So just chill gays and lezzies, you'll get your rights one of these days months years centuries Millennia! Scout's honor!
Q: So I have another gay question. [Laughter.]

THE PRESIDENT: It’s okay, man. [Laughter.] (Oh, Barry!)

Q: And this one is on the issue of marriage. Since you’ve become President, a lot has changed. More states have passed marriage equality laws. This summer a federal judge declared DOMA unconstitutional in two different cases. A judge in San Francisco declared Prop 8 was unconstitutional. And I know during the campaign you often said you thought marriage was the union between a man and a woman, and there -- like I said, when you look at public opinion polling, it’s heading in the right direction. We’ve actually got Republicans like Ted Olson and even Ken Mehlman on our side now. So I just really want to know what is your position on same-sex marriage?

THE PRESIDENT: Joe, I do not intend to make big news sitting here with the five of you, as wonderful as you guys are. (Laughter.) But I’ll say this --

Q: I just want to say, I would be remiss if I didn’t ask you this question.


Q: People in our community are really desperate to know.

THE PRESIDENT: I think it’s a fair question to ask. I think that -- I am a strong supporter of civil unions. As you say, I have been to this point unwilling to sign on to same-sex marriage primarily because of my understandings of the traditional definitions of marriage. (Aka his understandings of it as political suicide or at the very least, a tad riskier than ol' Barry O would like!)

But I also think you’re right that attitudes evolve, including mine. And I think that it is an issue that I wrestle with and think about because I have a whole host of friends who are in gay partnerships. I have staff members who are in committed, monogamous relationships, who are raising children, who are wonderful parents.

And I care about them deeply. And so while I’m not prepared to reverse myself here, sitting in the Roosevelt Room at 3:30 in the afternoon, I think it’s fair to say that it’s something that I think a lot about. That’s probably the best you’ll do out of me today. (Laughter.)

Q: It is an important issue, and I think that --

THE PRESIDENT: I think it’s an entirely fair question to ask.

Q: And part of it is that you can’t be equal in this country if the very core of who you are as a person and the love -- the person you love is not -- if that relationship isn’t the same as everybody else’s, then we’re not equal. And I think that a lot of -- particularly in the wake of the California election on Prop 8, a lot of gay people realized we’re not equal. And I think that that’s -- that’s been part of the change in the --

THE PRESIDENT: Prop 8, which I opposed.

Q: Right. I remember you did. You sent the letter and that was great. I think that the level of intensity in the LGBT community changed after we lost rights in that election. And I think that’s a lot of where the community is right now.

THE PRESIDENT: The one thing I will say today is I think it’s pretty clear where the trendlines are going.

Q: The arc of history.

THE PRESIDENT: The arc of history.
Which much like his jumpshot, has a loooooooong trajectory that moves in slow motion on it's way to swishing through the net/clanking off the backboard or whatever the case may be.
Q: Well, can I ask you just about “don’t ask, don’t tell,” just following up? (Laughter.) I just want to follow up. Because you mentioned it -

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, sure. Go ahead.

Q: Is there a strategy for the lame-duck session to--and you’re going to be involved?


Q: Will Secretary Gates be involved?

THE PRESIDENT: I’m not going to tip my hand now. But there is a strategy.

Q: Okay.

Q: Can we call it a secret plan? (Laughter)

THE PRESIDENT: I was very deliberate in working with the Pentagon so that I’ve got the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs being very clear about the need to end this policy. That is part of a strategy that I have been pursuing since I came into office. And my hope is that will culminate in getting this thing overturned before the end of the year.

Now, as usual, I need 60 votes. So I think that, Joe, the folks that you need to be having a really good conversation with -- and I had that conversation with them directly yesterday, but you may have more influence than I do -- is making sure that all those Log Cabin Republicans who helped to finance this lawsuit and who feel about this issue so passionately are working the handful of Republicans that we need to get this thing done.

Q: Yes, I don’t have that relationship with them. [Laughter.] (Sorry, NObama, sort of like with black people, not all gays know each other!)

THE PRESIDENT: But, I mean, it’s just -- I don’t understand the logic of it.

Q: Nor do I.

THE PRESIDENT: You’re financing a very successful, very effective legal strategy, and yet the only really thing you need to do is make sure that we get two to five Republican votes in the Senate. And I said directly to the Log Cabin Republican who was here yesterday, I said, that can’t be that hard. Get me those votes.

Because what I do anticipate is that John McCain and maybe some others will filibuster this issue, and we’re going to have to have a cloture vote. If we can get through that cloture vote, this is done.
Like what the hell is the matter with you conservative queers? Get one of the Grand Ol' Bigots in your Party to not openly discriminate against you for once in your God damn pathetic, hypocritical, eternally hell-bound existence and voila! you can thanklessly die all you want fighting for this country's freedom (to hate and demonize you). Really, it's that simple.

Your best bet is probably to go after that senile old man from Arizona who is going to go clean up Washington even though he's been there for three decades. You know, the one who used to be a maverick and like gays and immigrants before he sold his soul to the highest bidder (Satan) for the chance to unceremoniously lose the presidency and unleash a furious Arctic gale wind by the name of Sarah onto society. You remember him, don't you? Well good, because he doesn't remember anything!

Least of all which terrible gross despicable minority he's supposed to hate and screw over for personal and political gain now.

Whigs? Freemasons? Dixiecrats? Free Soils? Know Nothings? Nez Perce?

Ugh, he can never keep 'em straight (and no, we don't mean the good sexuality) these days!

But either way, who cares because President Obama is going to finally get lefty gays and righty gays to work blissfully together since no one has ever tried that strategy before. No one! Ever!

"Presidents don't usually think out loud unless they intend to send a signal that they are shifting a position," said Richard Socarides, a former adviser to President Bill Clinton on gay issues. "I think [Obama] realizes he can't run as a gay rights advocate in 2012 and be against marriage equality. People see domestic partnerships are separate but equal."

Eh, more like separate and unequal, but hey, who's counting?

Oh what, you never heard of the Obama shuffle? The President's uncanny ability to shimmy shake, and do the Barry boogie around difficult, potentially controversial (scary!) issues, preferring instead to deflect such formidable challenges to someone, anyone willing to take 'em.

Health care? Eh, let those Blue Dogs in Congress ruin it deal with it.

Immigration reform? No gracias! What do you think he's loco or something??

Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Don't look at him, after all he's not a Senator, now he is? No, he is not!

He is also not a Supreme Court Justice, so please don't ask him what is and what is not constitutional. I don't care if the man is a constitutional scholar who taught law at the University of Chicago for 12 years, he still has no business putting his presidential two-sense every which way!

These are the responsibilities of someone important, not some lowly leader of the free world.

I mean what the hell is wrong with you people, anyway?

You want something done? Grab a pen, clean sheet of paper, and write a nice li'l note to Santy Claus.

Someone who actually cares...and has a lifetime appointment!