Friday, October 31, 2008

Trouble In Maverick-Land?

Rumor has it that things have gotten shall we say, a bit awkward, between John McCain and his fave Alaskan gal pal Sarah Palin.

The once-shining star of the McCain-Palin GOP ticket is apparently taking some heat for her role in what increasingly appears to be a doomed presidential campaign.

With all signs pointing towards a likely (and possibly even landslide) Obama victory on Nov. 4, the McCain campaign (and entire Republican Party) is in disarray, scrambling to pick up the pieces of its shattered White House dreams.

Let the finger-pointing begin, my friends!

Frustrated McCain campaign advisers are falling all over themselves trying to figure out how such a compelling, seemingly sure-fire lock for the White House like Gramps McCain, could fail so badly.

Clearly, it's all the dumb Alaskan beauty queen's fault!

Over the last few days, several top McCain advisers have gone on-the-record to call out Sarah Palin for being everything from a "diva" and "whack job" to an incorrigible "rogue" who constantly veers off script and won't listen to anyone.


At this point even the old man has soured on his prized Trophy-Vice, and is pissed the dangerously inexperienced, not-so-bright but-super-good-looking Alaskan nutjob he hardly knew but picked anyway for unscrupulous political gain turned out to be more than he could handle.

Could it be that the Maverick's been out-mavericked?

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bill Clinton Headlines Obamapalooza's Florida Show

Barack And Bubba: Together Again!

The Obama Variety Show took its terrorist-hope act on the road last night for an encore performance in Florida featuring that other "black" superstar of the Democratic Party, Bill Clinton.

But there was something decidedly different about this joint Obama-Clinton appearance. There were no awkwardly forced smiles masking a deep resentment, no thick tension permeating the air, threatening to derail the hopes of the entire Party.

Bill's face even managed to maintain its normal ruddy hue, instead of morphing into that strange Violet Beauregarde shade of seething fuschia rage that happens whenever he feels power slipping from his grasp.

On this historic night in Orlando, William Jefferson Clinton took to the stage and actually endorsed Barack Obama, with dare I even say it, enthusiasm (gasp)!

It wasn't easy getting Bubba to play nice and accept the fact that this lanky dude with the weird Muslim-y name indeed is the Party's Great non-White Hope.

But Mr. Slick Obama knew exactly how to get Clinton feeling all warm and fuzzy and loved enough to come out and verbalize his support for the "fairy tale" that is the Democratic presidential nominee.

A few obligatory kind words about how much he learned from Bill's hell-raiser of a wife, peppered with some ego-stroking adjectives for the man himself, like "great president," "statesman," and "beloved around the world," was enough to make Bubba putty in Obama's hands.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Comrade Obama's Historic Final Push To Become America's Next "Redistributionist-In-Chief"

With Election Day less than a week away, the presidential campaigns of Barack Obama and John McCain have reached the final homestretch, and both are kicking it into overdrive.

But, not surprisingly, the candidates' final sprint to the finish line are world's apart.

Flush with record-shattering cash reserves, Obama's campaign is opting for a primetime media blitz, saturating Wednesday night's television lineup with a special 30-minute ad special, "Barack Obama: American Stories" to air on almost every major network from NBC to Fox to Univision.

Um, perhaps, "Mr. Blue Jeans And Gym Shoes" should have taken some hints from Miss Designer Alaska and spent his money a little more wisely on substantive things like three-piece Gucci suits, Valentino jackets, and thigh-high f**k me boots.

Republican candidate John McCain is opting for another crunch-time strategy altogether.

It's called "The Desperate Last Gasp Of A Defeated, Bitter Old Man" and it consists of accusing his running mate of being everything, anything in the hopes that something finally sticks.

McCain's tested his latest brilliant campaign strategy at a rally in Miami, where he revved up the crowds, not by offering real solutions to the most pressing issues, but with something even more effective: baseless insults.
"Senator Obama is running to be Redistributionist in Chief. I'm running to be Commander in Chief. Senator Obama is running to spread the wealth. I'm running to create more wealth. Senator Obama is running to punish the successful. I'm running to make everyone successful."
But fear not, because the man poised to become America's next "Redistributionist-in-Chief" is taking the McCain campaigns' attacks in stride, even joking that:
"By the end of the week, he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in Kindergarten."
Ha ha that's hilarious! To think McCain would wait until the end of the week drop the C-Bomb...Omg, Barry, that's classic!

All Hail Comrade Barry!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Elisabeth Hasselbeck's Country First "View" Of Things

"Women Can Dress Like Highlighters, Too!"

Surprisingly attractive conservative chatterbox Elisabeth Hasselbeck took a break from pissing off her View co-hosts to spend the weekend campaigning with another similarly attractive, strong-willed female, GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

Unfortunately, the third musketeer, Ann Coulter, was too busy picketing the funerals of gay US soldiers killed in Iraq, who are no doubt now burning in eternal hellfire, to attend the gals' gathering. Next time, AC, next time!

Unveiling her new Southern' twang at a Palin campaign rally in Florida on Sunday, our sassy Lizzy defended her leading lady against
Barack Obama and the liberal media's "FIXATION" on sweet Sarah's new, perfectly reasonable, donor-funded $150,000 Neiman Marcus/Saks Fifth Avenue wardrobe.

Clearly, questioning a VP candidate's widely scrutinized Paris Hilton-inspired shopping spree, is far more sinister than your typical "subconsciously sexist" behavior. It is "deliberately sexist!" And that just flat-out crosses the line.

Race, religion, secret Muslim affiliations, shady ties to terrorists, terrorist fist-jabs, peddling sex-ed to Kindergartners--this is all fair game. Ditto for Barack Obama's "repulsive"
$3 million spending waste on a final prime-time ad campaign.

But, Lord help you if you even mention something to imply that Palin and Hasselbeck share the same XX chromosomes.

Like how you would still totally
bang this brightly clad Betty and Veronica duo, even if they are some of the craziest two biddies you've ever seen.

Feel free to say whatever you want about the hot piece of
man meat to the right, though.

"I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!"

UN Joins Growing List Of Terrorist Organizations Supporting Barack Obama

Looks like another shadowy terrorist organization is in the can for middle-class hating Socialist Barack Obama. Al Jazeera? Nope. Al-Qaeda? Close. Hezbollah? Good guess.

Give up?
Why, it's the United Nations, of course!

An "informal survey" of more than two dozen UN workers and foreign delegates show a vast majority--26 of 28, to be exact--prefer Democrat Barack Obama over Republican candidate John McCain to become the next U.S. President.

These "closeted but proud" Obama supporters in the UN come from everywhere: Russia, Canada, France, Britain, Germany, the Netherlands, Sierra Leone, South Africa, Indonesia and a bunch of places you've probably never even heard of.

William H. Luers, executive director of the United Nations Association explained:
"It would be hard to find anybody, I think, at the U.N. who would not believe that Obama would be a considerable improvement over any other alternative. It's been a bad eight years, and there is a lot of bad feeling over it."
Another enthusiastic Obama backer from an African country (ha, figures!) put it more bluntly:
"I have not heard a single person who will support McCain; if they do, they are in hiding."
Well, guess what Einstein, we found two. But turns out one was an American and the other couldn't vote.

Unfortunately, the rest of those knuckleheads over at the United Nations are all still swooning over some "amazing transformational" dude who actually respects the UN and international law.

Hey, what do you guys have against the old man anyway?

Sure he has wisps of white hair, can be bit awkward sometimes, and has called for the "establishment of league of democracies," which is basically GOP code for the UN to go "f**k itself and die."

But, ask yourself is that really worse than a secret muslim elitist celebrity terrorist socialist with a mysterious past hell-bent on stealing your money and spreading the wealth like some half-black Robin Hood with a God-complex trying to take over the world?

Oh, I see.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Another One Bites The Dust

Oh, How The Mighty Fall!

Longtime Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens is just the latest shining star of the Republican party to fizzle after being found guilty on all seven counts in his federal corruption trial today.

Yes, the distinguished 84-year old gentleman, who is the longest-serving Republican in the Senate’s history, violated federal ethics laws by attempting to conceal more than $250,000 in gifts and home renovations from an Alaska-based oil industry contractor.

Bad Senator!

If you learned anything in your more than 40-years of loyal congressional service, wasn't it how to properly accept bribes without getting caught?

And to think you call yourself a Republican. For shame!

Am I Taking Crazy Pills Or Is McCain Sporting A Fake Sarah Palin Look-A-Like?

Pay Close Attention To Lady In Right Corner

Someone please explain to me what in god's green's earth this is all about? Cause I can only think of two possible explanations, and neither is very comforting.

Either a mentally deranged woman who thinks she is Sarah Palin was able to sneak past security and stand dangerously close to
John McCain during a campaign rally or the McCain team has hired a poor excuse for a Palin look-a-like to fill-in for the the real miss thang while she's off shopping for designer clothes to give to poor people.

You know, so people will still show up, and the poor man won't be left muttering, alone and cranky, about that damn Arab who wants to be President just so he can destroy America, my friends.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Sunday, The Perfect Day For Brunch And Secret Wars

In case you forgot that until Nov. 4, America is still being run by a fun-loving douche bag, George W. Bush found a little way to remind the public (and the world) that he is still in charge of f-ing everything up.

Because what better way to spice up the drab days of October than starting a secret war with Syria? Duh!

I guess George was getting restless all alone with Laura in the White House, not to mention a little jealous that all the attention is always on some dumb election race nobody cares about.

Plus, nothing conquers boredom and rejuvenates the spirit like a quick, under-the-radar strike on some no-name Middle Eastern country like Syria.

Of course, this juicy bit of preemptive military aggression went largely uncovered by most media outlets, who were already too busy keeping America informed on important matters like VP wardrobes, plumbers, and the latest wacky antics of our schizophrenic stock markets.

Per usual, the White House was mum on the attack, except for laughingly admitting, "you got us" before winking and refusing to discuss further as a matter of national security.

And also because they don't really care what the hell you have to say about it, they are the boss of you for at least another week and that is that.

What, you think Bush was just gonna quietly exit the White House, like some elitist pussy president who just unassumingly "leaves" office at the end of their (disastrous) 8-year term raping and pillaging the nation?

Plumber Joe To The Rescue!

Elitists Call Him Joe Wurzelbacher, But You Know Him By Another Name

Oh my god, this changes everything.

Joe the Plumber just dropped a bomb on the American public by coming out of the woodwork (or wherever it is that plumbers come out of) to announce his support for John McCain. I know, craziness!!

But, wait, it gets even juicier.

Not only does Joe The Plumber back McCain for President, he also reveals that
if Barack Obama wins the election, he is "scared for America."

Us too. But, we feel so much better now that Plumber Joe, who represents every blue-collar worker in the entire country, is considering a political future of his own.

Yes, the new hero of the middle class, has his eyes set on a seat other than the toilet: Democratic Rep. Marcy Kaptur's congressional seat for Ohio's 9th district.

We think this is a brilliant idea. I mean, these past two weeks have clearly given Plumber Joe all the necessary political experience.

And who better to plunge the crap out of Washington than America's most beloved sanitary worker?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Obama's Just Chillin' His Way Into History

Barack Obama's feelin' pretty pretty good right about now. Ailing grandmother aside, things are looking bright for everyone's favorite Socialist.

With early voting underway (and setting records) in many states, and Election Day rapidly approaching, Barack Obama appears to be cruising towards the White House--and the history books.

Not content just being the first black major party nominee, the so-called "candidate of change" also finds himself positioned to win the largest share of white voters of any Democrat in more than three decades.

Please, like the white vote matters in this country.

So, perhaps Mr. Obama should not get too comfortable in his elitist designer flip-flops from Target.

Sure, he has a sizeable lead and all the momentum now. But, you never know what can happen between today and November 4.

After all, change is possible, right?

Breaking News: McCain Supporter's Tale Of Political Hate Crime Faker Than Cindy McCain's Face

Surprise, surprise! Turns out that McCain campaign volunteer Ashley Todd's shocking tale of a politically-charged beat-down by a 6-foot-4 black man (gasp!) for displaying a McCain bumper sticker is as real as Johnny Mac's dentures.

To be honest, this whole thing had sketchy written all over it from the beginning.

Oh yeah lady I'm sure those crazy political thugs from the Obama campaign decided to kidnap, rob, and beat you just so they could complete their grand master plan of branding your cheek with a big B.

But not just any "B"-- a lightly, perfectly etched backwards B, almost as if it was done using a mirror.

Hmmm, sounds totally reasonable to me.

I don't know how those sleuths over in the Pittsburgh police department ever cracked such an airtight case of political assault.

I guess sometimes you just gotta tip your hat to a job well done!

Ashley Todd, Victim Turned Whack Job

McCain Flirts With Dementia In Latest Campaign Effort

Um, awkwaaaard...

This is just straight up hard to watch.

I mean if you had to name some of the biggest blunders John McCain would like to avoid right now, a momentary fit of Alzheimers while campaigning in a critical swing state like Pennsylvania would probably fall high atop your list.

But, heck, all this endless campaigning and speaking and hand-shaking has gotten Johnny a little tired. Confused.

So what if he can't keep every little thing straight? Like Western Pennsylvania, agree, disagree, you, more, patriotic, god-loving, patriotic (oops, said that), America, fact, Barack Obama, critical, supporters, saying, good...

For 72, the man is sharp as a tack.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Aw, Snap! Someone's 'Bout To Get Served

I don't know about you, but all this election talk is really starting to grind my gears. Normal people, unlike us weirdo bloggers, have probably felt this way for some time now.

So, it is for sanity's sake that I offer you this little under-the-radar gem. Hey, the rule is, if it features at least one presidential candidate (break dancing or otherwise), it qualifies as legitimate political content.

But, throw in both candidates (preferably a young black dude and an old white man), add a dance floor and some phat beats to the mix, and you my friend have struck pure gold.

Remind me again who said politics was boring?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Devil Wears Prada? You Betcha!

Unlike those elitist liberals who bathe in the sweat and tears of decent, hard-working folk like you and me, America's favorite Alaskan snow bunny sure knows how the "real America" lives.

Sarah Palin, the poster babe for "small-town values," understands the struggles millions of hard-working Americans face everyday, trying to make ends meet in these trying financial times.

It is for these very Americans that Palin patriotically used $150,000 in GOP donor funds on clothes and accessories since her September unveiling.

Palin simply loves America too much to let its fine citizens be exposed to some fashion-challenged eyesore from Wasilla, Alaska's premier Meth capital.

It is clearly her deep love and respect for
all the "Joe Six-Packs" and "Joe The Plumbers" out there that compelled Palin to shed her shabby Wasilla duds for some classier, VP-worthy attire, like her reasonably priced $2,500 Valentino jacket and $400 not-made-in-USA glasses.

We know Palin had only the interests of the "real America" at heart when she ventured into that godless wasteland she calls "fake America" to drop $49,425.74 at Saks Fifth Avenue and another $75,062.63 at Neiman Marcus (um, bargain!) so she could go clean-up Washington and make it work for the people again.

Like the true maverick she is.

What we don't know is what the hell this shlub is spending his campaign's money on, since he obviously doesn't care about either this country or his appearance. Wait, did he re-sole his shoes with chewing gum??

Ugh, typical elitist.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

John McCain's Long, Slow Goodbye

Is This Damn Election Over Yet?

Poor John McCain. The man has had a rough couple of weeks.

First, the economy went to hell, freaking everyone out, including McCain who nobly "suspended his campaign" to address the dire financial mess and tell America not to panic. Which of course caused everyone to do just that.

Next, it was the liberal media with their damn polls showing Barack Obama commanding impressive double-digit leads over poor Gramps McCain.

Then came word that McCain was pulling out of Michigan, with his campaign officially deeming the economically-ravaged state a "lost cause."

The wheels basically come off after
Johnny's embarrassing walk-of-shame out of Michigan.

Rumors were soon swirling that McCain's campaign was also collapsing in other key swing states. Colorado, Florida, New Hampshire, Nevada, North Carolina, suddenly leaning in favor of Barack Obama!

No, things are not looking good at all for John S. McCain.

With elections less than two weeks away, it appears increasingly evident that
when it comes to John McCain's dreams of the White House, three times is not a charm.

But, don't despair old Johnny, my friend. Some good did come out of the otherwise abysmal failure that was your 2008 presidential campaign.

Can you say, Palin 2012??

Monday, October 20, 2008

North Carolina, C'mon And Raise Up!

After years of neglect, North Carolina, (and no, that does not include its red-headed stepchild, South Carolina) finally gets its moment in the spotlight.

Suddenly, North Carolina is good for more than just college basketball, textiles, and tobacco.

Thanks to a little something called the Electoral College, North Carolina's 15 electoral votes have made the Tar Heel state a critical flash point in this year's presidential elections.

Despite its slutty past reputation as a Republican bitch-state, North Carolina is suddenly up-for-grabs, with McCain and Obama locked in a statistical dead heat just two weeks before election day.

Evidence on the ground during my recent trip confirmed what the latest polls suggest: The fine citizens of North Carolina are very confused.

They thought they knew themselves.

Good, upstanding small-town folk who love God, guns, and the GOP. Not elitist liberals who hate America and think change comes in the form of a charmingly brilliant, half-black secret Muslim Socialist who says crazy things like "unity" "progress" and "truth."

Uh-Oh, this could only mean one thing: the Devil gone to NC!

Obama's Favorite Baseball Team Is Whichever One Leads To The White House

That secret Muslim terrorist Barack Obama is at it again. In his latest flip-flop, Obama took a break from plotting his socialist takeover of the U.S. to campaign in Florida, a key swing state in the election and home to the World-Series bound Tampa Bay Rays.

After being introduced by several Rays players during a campaign rally in Tampa Bay today, Obama, who is a self-proclaimed fan of the Chicago White Sox, had the audacity to congratulate the crowd on their team's surprising run to the World Series.
"I have said from the beginning that I'm a unity candidate, bringing people together. So when you see a White Sox fan showing some love for the Rays and the Rays showing some love back, you know we're onto something here.”
Liar!!! Perhaps Mr. "unity candidate" Obama forgot that he already pretended to like that other team headed to the World Series, the Philadelphia Phillies, while campaigning in Pennsylvania last week.
“My White Sox are gone, so I’ll go ahead and root for the Phillies now.”
How dare Obama "show some love" for one team, after already vowing to root for another!? I mean what the hell is this guy trying to do anyway, win an election or something?

The Treacherous Obama Meets And Greets TB Rays Players In Florida

Sunday, October 19, 2008

At Least She Is A Winner At Something!

It may not have been her first choice, but at least VP candidate and rising comic star Sarah Palin can claim victory in one arena. Yes, America's favorite "Caribou Barbie" sure knows how to boost ratings!

Palin's much-hyped appearance on last night's Saturday Night Live was a smashing success, earning the show its highest ratings in 14 years.

A record-setting 14 million viewers tuned in to watch what would happen when the real Sarah Palin came face-to-face with her famous SNL impersonator Tina Fey. Oooooh, cat fight!

In fact, the last time SNL enjoyed such huge numbers was in 1994 when Nancy Kerrigan hosted after having her knees bashed in by rival skater Tonya Harding's dutiful "associates."

Fortunately, last night's ladies were on their best behavior, and everyone left with their legs still in tact. But just in case the estrogen really started flowing, Sarah and Tina maintained a safe distance from each other--not making even a single appearance together. Lame.

But, at least America got to see Palin in her element, finally looking relaxed and comfortable under the harsh glare of the spotlight.

Sure, Palin may not have come across quite so fabulous during her live debates or one-on-one interviews.
But those involved silly things like answering questions, formulating sentences, and understanding actual policies.

When it comes to important matters, like rapping about hot Alaskan governors who love to hunt, you better believe Sarah "shake-her-groove-thing" Palin can bust a move with the best of 'em.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Softer Side Of Sarah

Aw, that's sweet. Taking a cue from Sears' successful ad campaign, Sarah Palin has decided to show the world that she too has a softer side.

Yes, the woman who less than two weeks ago was firing up crowds by accusing Barack Obama of "palling around with terrorists" has taken a decidedly different tone while campaigning this week.

Could it be that America's favorite lipstick-wearing pitbull has finally been neutered?

Let's examine the evidence.

Just last week, Palin came under scrutiny for stoking the flames of hatred and racism during several of her KKK-inspired GOP rallies throughout the country.

Many of these fiery speeches featured Palin posing the question, "Who is the real Barack Obama?" to which the patriotic crowd logically responded by chanting,
"Obama Osama!" "kill him," "terrorist," and the always lovely "off with his head."

But then a funny thing happened. Palin suddenly decided the terrorist-loving, America-hating, secret Muslim may not be so bad after all.

In fact, Palin's sudden realization that Obama might be running for president because he actually cares about America, even prompted her to tell reporters, "I don't question at all Barack Obama's love for this great country."

But what about his terrorist buddy, Bill Ayers, and his crazy kook pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright?

She'll leave that up to the American people to decide. Using the same judgment and knowledge they used to decide that the idea of her and Gramps in office is enough to scare the living bejesus out of them.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Want To Know What Barack Obama Really Thinks?

Unless you've been living under a rock or in an abandoned ice cavern somewhere near Wasilla, I'm sure by now you know that Tina Fey does a mean impersonation of Alaskan huntress Sarah Palin.

But did you know that a certain celebrity terrorist and presidential candidate named Barack Obama also has an alter ego of his own? He does.

His name is Alphacat, and we are all better off because of him. Here he offers us a glimpse into a side of Barack Obama the public seldom gets to see.

Which is real shame, because beneath Barack's unflappably cool, calm exterior, lies a hidden tiger just waiting to be unleashed. And this tiger's got one wicked sense of humor...

His Name May Be Barack Obama, But You Can Just Call Him "The Business!"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

All About The O? More Like All About The Joe!

Ding-ding-ding, we've got a winner! It took a few casualties along the way (need I even mention that god-awful town-hall debate?) but the final presidential showdown kept its promise and delivered a clear-cut victor: Joe the Plumber!!

Yes, ladies and gents, Joe the Plumber, hands down beat both McCain and Obama to emerge as the clear front-runner of this historic presidential election.

Oh sure, both candidates had their moments. McCain got to declare once and for all that he is actually not George W. Bush. And Obama got to assure the American people that, no, he does not chill with William Ayers in his living room.

We also learned that Sarah Palin's special needs child makes her more than qualified to not only be Vice-President, but President-President. Her four other regular needs children? Eh, not so much.

Let's see what else. Oh yeah, Palin's hubby Todd is one tough-ass mother f**ker and pretty hunky too, or at least that's what Johnny tells us. Obama was probably being humble and didn't mention it, but believe me, you wouldn't wanna mess with Michelle Obama either.

Instead of having all these boring, elitist "policy debates" between the two candidates, why not just cut through the BS and have them take off their shirts, compare muscles and settle this once and for all like responsible adults. We can even have Joe the Plumber judge. It’s brilliant!

Let The Games Begin!

Things are not looking so hot for John McCain. On the eve of the final presidential debate between the two candidates, smooth-talking hipster Barry Obama has opened up a whopping 14 point lead over that other candidate of change, Johnny "My Friends" McCain.

There is no doubt that for both candidates, tonight's final debate looms large. But for John McCain, who is looking to narrow the increasingly widening gap between himself and Obama, the stakes are even higher.

Which does not bode too well for old Johnny. Unfortunately for the GOP maverick, tonight's debate focus is on domestic issues, including the current economic crisis engulfing the nation. Which we all know is not exactly McCain's strong suit.

But do not despair, my friends! One thing John does know how to do is improvise.

We are confident that Johnny will find some way to talk about the issues he does know a thing or two about, like how Barack Obama hates America, loves to pal around with terrorists, and desperately wants to teach sex-education to Kindergarteners.

And if all else fails, McCain does have a few crowd-pleasing tricks up his sleeve, like his stunning power-point presentation on how to survive five years in a Vietnamese prison.

Now losing your home doesn't seem so bad after all, does it?

Monday, October 13, 2008

Congressman, Sex Scandals, And Florida, Oh My!

Rep. Tim Mahoney And The Woman/Thing He Was Banging

Sex scandals do not discriminate. That's right. As long as you happen to be a politician from the state of Florida, you are fair game. I don't know what it is, either. Maybe it's the hot, steamy weather, round juicy oranges, or disproportionate number of old people that revs up one's sexual appetite.

Whatever the culprit, one thing is for certain: If you are a politician representing the Sunshine State, chances are your overactive libido will eventually be your downfall.

For the second consecutive election year,
West Palm Beach--the sex-scandal capital of America--titillates the good citizens of this country with a sordid story of a fallen congressman.

First, it was Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who in 2006, honored his oath of elected office by soliciting sex (and not just any sex, but gay sex) from
teenage boys working as congressional pages.

After Foley's disgraceful exit and subsequent coming out of the closet, the congressional seat was basically open for the taking to anyone with a pulse and the ability to control their homosexual/pedophile urges.

Enter Florida Democrat Tim Mahoney, whose only real challenge after the Foley debacle, was to basically keep it in his pants. But alas, that proved to be too much to ask of the man.

The same man who waltzed into office using
campaign ads featuring a picture of him with his wife, Terry, and the line, "Restoring America's Values Begins at Home."

A promise he kept by giving a campaign job and $121,000 in hush money to the mistress he was so honorably banging while working hard to bring dignity and morality back to the sex-ravaged district.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

McCain 4 Prez!

John McCain may be down, but he is certainly not out. No sir-ee, not by a long shot.

Despite steadily trailing Obama in almost every national poll for the last month or so, McCain is vowing to bring out the big guns for the final presidential showdown on Wednesday night. And we're not talking BB guns here.

Speaking to a crowd of volunteers outside his campaign headquarters on Sunday, Mad Dog McCain vowed to go all out in the last few weeks before elections.

"We're going to spend a lot of time and after I whip his you-know-what in this debate, we're going to be going out 24/7," McCain said of his and Palin's campaign plans. Ooooh, feisty.

I wonder if he meant ass
. But either way, it is so nice to see McCain showing voters he is cool and hip and down with the youth lingo, hence the "you-know-what" and 24/7 comments.

I mean he is only 72-years-young. OMG, like soooo NBD. If you switch the numbers around, he is only 27!! And that is pretty young, IMHO.

Besides, white hair and trousers are sooo back in style. Plus, we think it's cute when Gramps tries to act all young and down with the youth. Like when he tries to use a computer instead of a typewriter. LOL!

Yep, McCain sure keeps it real, unlike that poser Barry Obama, trying to build street cred with his three-point jump-shot, spontaneous fist bumps, and ability to differentiate between a Mac and PC.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

"Troopergate"--Sarah Finally Gets A Scandal To Call Her Very Own

These Palin's Don't Play

An investigative report released by the Alaskan legislature on Friday reveals that homegrown vixen governor Sarah Palin is more than just a pretty face, she is apparently a power-abusing crook too.

This self-described maverick doesn't need to be part of the Washington elite to be in the center of an abuse of power scandal. She managed to do it all by herself, thousands of miles away from DC (and the rest of civilization). Quick study, that one!

To make a long, and not that interesting story short, Palin is basically accused of several ethics violations for improperly firing a state official who refused to dismiss her
ex-brother-in-law from his job as a state trooper. Problem is that this particular state trooper Palin wanted canned also happened to be locked in a vicious custody battle with her sister.

Hmmm, doesn't exactly take a bloodhound to smell a little conflict of interest there.

Okay, so Palin and her loyal hubby Todd put pressure on some local officials to fire some boozing scum of an ex-brother-in-law. They were just trying to protect Alaskans from a crazed, gun-toting madman, who they feared was too mentally imbalanced to be entrusted as a state trooper.

He was, however, not too mentally unstable to be given the job in the first place. Of course, that was while he was still banging Palin's sister, and thus, totally normal. It wasn't until after he fathered their children and bailed on their marriage, that they realized what a psycho the guy was.

Well, that, and the fact they now had to deal with Sarah's sister moping around the house in ratty pajamas and curlers, wailing about her pathetic life as a spinster in Alaska.

That's when Miss Palin decided someone would have to pay. Nobody screws around with Sarah Barracuda and gets away with it....or her sister either.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Si, Se Puede! Latino Voters Say Adios To John McCain

Uh-Oh. The already grim outlook for John McCain's White House aspirations
just got a little darker, er lighter. Hispanic voters--previously one of McCain's strongest demographic groups--appear to be fleeing the straight-talk express at a rapido pace.

But where are they all running to you ask? Surely not to that godless celebrity terrorist Muslim Barack Obama.

Yes, it is true. Despite the Democrats poor track record with Hispanic voters in past elections, Latinos are suddenly going loco for Obama,
helping Obama secure the broadest support from Latino voters of any Democrat in a decade.

On the flip side, John McCain has not fared quite so well. In fact, recent polls show McCain struggling to capture even 30 percent of the Latino vote, a far cry from Bush's historic 40% in 2004.

I guess Bush and McCain really are different after all!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Snoozefest '08

Another day, another brutally boring presidential debate. No major gaffes, no riveting answers, not even a clear-cut winner. If you put the debate on a spectrum, last night's snoozefest falls as close to the Debbie Downer side as you'd ever want to go. It was so bad, in fact, that we actually started to miss Sarah Palin winking cutely while refusing to pronounce the letter G.

All 63 million viewers (66 million if you count PBS, which apparently no one does) who tuned in should demand their precious time back.

What, you think we have nothing better to do than sit around and watch John McCain stand uncomfortably close to the audience members while saying "My Friends" more times than we thought could possibly be crammed into a ninety minute segment?

Actually, it was 24, but we swear it seemed like a hell of a lot more. Maybe it's cause he is a little on the "older" side, if you didn't notice, and his words just sort of seem to drag out.

If there was a single moment of pleasure to be had during Tuesday night's coma-inducing town hall debate, it was probably blue-collar Johnny awkwardly referring to Obama as "that one," during a discussion on energy policy.

Oh, Johnny. You're so cute when you're grumpy. But, we all know that under the grimace, you have one hell of a sense of humor. Which is great because now we know you won't be offended when in the next debate Obama contrasts his policies with "that old bastard" next to him.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Dirty Sexy Money!

The goody-two shoes Republican party is attempting to prove that some of Obama's record-shattering $458 million campaign fund is coming from illegal sources. Ooooooh, dirty money. Sounds sexy!

The GOP is asking the Federal Election Commission to look into allegations that Mr. squeaky clean Obama is actually taking in money from some less-than-scrupulous sources. Because nobody out-illegals the Republicans, damn it!

RNC Chief Counsel Sean Cairncross alleges that "the Obama campaign was so hungry for donations it 'looked the other way' as contributions piled up from suspicious, and possibly even illegal foreign donors."

"We believe that the American people should know first and foremost if foreign money is pouring into a presidential election."

We couldn't agree more. Which is why we're so happy that McCain's campaign was so nobly forced to refund some $50,000 in donations solicited by Jordanian Mustafa Abu Naba'a, who helped raise money on behalf of one of McCain's top Florida contributors.

I mean the very idea that the presidential campaigns would accept any currency aside from the good ole American greenback is just absurd. What's next? Accepting cash payments in Euros? Rupees? Yen? Monopoly money? (Actually, we hear it's worth more than the dollar these days.)

Why don't we just put a big 'for sale' sign on America? Because, we already sold all our sign supplies to China, silly! They even agreed to throw in the toxic lead at no extra charge...can you say bargain?

Saturday, October 4, 2008

McCain Shows Voters He's Got Policies Too!

With Election Day just a month away, the McCain-Palin trainwreck, er ticket, announced an aggressive new strategy for the last few weeks of the campaign.

Their brilliant new plan? Show the voters that while Barack Obama is busy "palling around with terrorists" McCain has been working hard to craft real solutions to the most pressing issues facing America.

Just a few of McCain's new proposals, all testaments to his true maverick style:

Foreign Policy:

  • Convince voters that Barack Obama is unpatriotic, inexperienced, and may not even be a real American citizen.
  • Convince voters that Barack Obama will ruin the already dead economy by raising taxes to pad the wallets of his elitist celebrity friends and the fat-cats in Washington.
National Security:
  • Show voters that Barack Obama is a coward who has never even fought in a war, let alone been a prisoner of war. Let voters know Obama also supports terrorism and doesn't understand the dangers of looking at the world as it is in 2008, instead of as it was at the height of the cold war nearly half a century ago.
See, we told you McCain's campaign was too full of fresh ideas and sound policies to ever have to resort to tired lies, gross character assassinations, and an outright disregard for truth, dignity, and the intelligence of the American people.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Palin Proves She Is Even Dumber Than We Thought During Couric Interview

When we heard that Alaskan GILF Sarah Palin was "annoyed" at the way Katie Couric interviewed her on CBS last week, we figured it had something to do with her inability to formulate a coherent answer to even the most seemingly straightforward question.

Perhaps Palin was annoyed at the fact that she came across less qualified to be vice-president than my four-year-old nephew. Or maybe it was her rambling response to the country's current economic woes (health care, duh!) that set her off. Or the fact that she couldn't muster up the name of a single newspaper she reads (hint: even the god damn Wasilla Frontiersman would've worked) just to get that nagging broad Katie off her back.

Nope. Palin wasn't annoyed that she came across dumber than the retarded love child of Billy Madison and Paris Hilton. She was pissed that Couric actually asked her legitimate questions as the potential vice-president of the United States, instead of letting her show-off her skills in bashing the Barack Obama pinata that the McCain campaign had been tirelessly crafting for the last year and a half.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Biden And Palin Go Head-To-Head, Tell Gays To Get Lost

Congratulations, Sarah! We're so proud of you. You actually produced a coherent sentence. Maybe even two.

And Joe, well kudos to you as well. You have managed to complete part of a debate gaffe-free, without throwing your running mate, Barack Obama under the bus. Yeah!!!

Oh and we are also so happy to know you both believe so deeply in equality and the constitution of the United States that you would never support the ungodly institution of same-sex marriage. Phew. Last thing we need is to turn this whole country into one big San Francisco.

So scram, gays. Find another country to sanction your hedonist ways. Not in this great, straight land we call America. Let freedom ring!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Palin Loves The Press So Much She Forgot The Names Of All 1,500 Newspapers In U.S.

Okay, so maybe Sarah Palin can't come up with the name of a single newspaper she reads. So what? Maybe she reads so many newspapers she just can't keep track of all of them, or as it turns out, any of them. Is that so terrible?

What is Katie Couric's problem anyway? Why is she all up in Palin's face asking her trick questions like what newspapers she reads to stay informed and help establish her world view?

What, Katie, you don't think they get newspapers over in Alaska? What are you suggesting, that it's some foreign country completely out of touch with what's going on over in Washington?

Well, little miss mainland snob, it just so happens that Alaska is a microcosm of the United States. Just substitute the Arctic Sounder for the New York Times, replace Blacks, Hispanics, and Asians with Native Americans, pretend your closest neighbor is Russia, not Kansas--now throw in a frozen tundra, a couple of glaciers, and some roaming caribou, and voila, Mainstreet USA!

Finally, Something We Can All Agree On

I've gotta hand it to that Palin chick. She manages to bring together people at a time when unity is scarce and fierce partisan divides dominate nearly every issue.

Yes, America has finally found something that Conservatives, Liberals, Independents, Democrats, Republicans, (and even Libertarians!) can all agree on:

Sarah Palin is a very attractive, fascinating woman who just happens to make President Bush look like a god damn genius.