New Study Proves What We All Suspected: It's Not A Person's Fault They're Conservative, It's Their Damaged Brain!

Bored sexless scientists in dreary old Londontowne, England have discovered what most of humanity has already long suspected: scientists are boring, socially awkward, sexually deprived dweebs with a bit too much time on their hands. Err, wait, we didn't need a study to prove that.

What we did (apparently) need a study to prove, however, is that conservatism is a brain disorder and those who lean to the right are actually a bunch of mentally deranged freaks of nature.

This isn't just a bunch of liberal ballyhoo, this is actual science!

Turns out scientists at University College London discovered that people who cling to a more conservative ideology have a larger amygdala, the part of the brain that controls "anxiety and emotion," (think a weeping Glenn Beck), as well as a smaller anterior cingulate, which controls bravery and optimism (think Anger Bear Papa O'Reilly).

According to the Telegraph:

Prof Geraint Rees, who led the research, said: "We were very surprised to find that there was an area of the brain that we could predict political attitude."

"It is very surprising because it does suggest there is something about political attitude that is encoded in our brain structure through our experience or that there is something in our brain structure that determines or results in political attitude."

Prof Rees and his team, who carried out the research for the Today programme on BBC Radio 4, looked at the brain make up of the Labour MP Stephen Pound and Alan Duncan, the Conservative Minister of State for International Development using a scanner.

They also questioned a further 90 students, who had already been scanned for other studies, about their political views.

The results, which will be published next year, back up a study that showed that some people were born with a "Liberal Gene" that makes people more likely to seek out less conventional political views.

So there you have it, folks. It is no longer some wild, groundless assumption or crazy hackneyed stereotype to say that conservatism is a brain disorder. It has now been definitely proven by this one 90-person study.

So the next time you get in a heated debate with your 90-year-old Aunt Nelly about whether Obamar is really a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kendonesia or gays are gross, disease spreading abominations who deserve to be shipped off to some crowded island of homosinuality (Manhattan?), not granted actual human rights, remember this simple undisputed scientific fact: conservatives are all mentally impaired mutations who are stupid and idiotic. And brain-damaged.

They can't help themselves. They were born that way!

Hey, don't get mad at me. Get mad at science!

The Gays Are Coming! The Gays Are Coming! Meaning Rightwing Nutjobs Are CPACking Their Bags & Heading For The Homo-Free Haven Better Known As Denial

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Barack Obama Calls Philadelphia Eagles To Congratulate Them On Michael Vick, First Dog Bo No Longer Barking To Him

Does Bo know about this?

President Barack Obama, aka Barry from the block, called up the owner of Philadelphia Eagles, Jeffrey Lurie, to thank him for giving former dog-killing star quarterback Michael Vick a second chance in the NFL, and not only because it makes Obama's beloved Chicago Bears' week 12 win over the Eagles actually look impressive. No offense Kevin Kolb.

According to Sports Illustrated's Peter King, Barack Obama had two things to discuss with Eagles owner Jeff Lurie: the redemption of Michael Vick and the alternative-energy plans Lurie unveiled this fall for Lincoln Financial Field.

"The president wanted to talk about two things, but the first was Michael,'' Lurie told me. "He said, 'So many people who serve time never get a fair second chance. He was ... passionate about it. He said it's never a level playing field for prisoners when they get out of jail. And he was happy that we did something on such a national stage that showed our faith in giving someone a second chance after such a major downfall.''

So, you're saying there's still hope for Tiger?

The aggressively conservation-minded Lurie, who believes the team can save $60 million in energy costs with the new eco-friendly renovations, told Obama he was happy to put a plan like this in place, but he wouldn't have done it unless it made some financial sense. "It's good business for us, which is the point,'' Lurie said. "We talked about policy and what he hopes can happen with alternative energy, and he raved about us being the first to put a plan like this in place.''

"He's a real football fan,'' Lurie said. "He loves his Bears. He really follows it. He knew how Michael was doing. It was really interesting to hear.''

Almost as interesting as all the crazed "Michael Vick is a serial dog murderer and reprehensible scumbag who deserves to be skinned alive, not given a second chance" outrage from furious fans.

The same furious fans, mind you, who couldn't give a flying fig about large athletic men, say, murdering actual people, or raping women, but suddenly lose their freakin' minds when it comes to murdering man's best friend, right before biting into a juicy, delicious 16oz Porterhouse.

Well, I say kudos to President Obama for congratulating a team for having the courage (balls?) to snag an electrifying, one-of-a-kind player every other team foolishly wouldn't touch with a field goal pole all out of fear of the potential pooch-related moral outrage of their fans.

Of course, it helps that Philly fans don't exactly have the same moral standards as the rest of humanity, and will not hesitate to boo Santa Claus and/or Jesus Christ if he so happened to rise from the dead and land in Lincoln Financial Field.

Despite what outraged PETA (and jealous Giants and Redskins fans might lead you to believe), President Obama is right. People who have paid their debt to society, and served their time deserve a "level playing field." And that field is a synthetic grass pro football field, where ex-felons get paid millions of dollars to throw an oval ball made of skinned pig leather or whatever, and leap onto, or avoid (depending on the position), piles of 300lb grown men in tights 16 days a year.

Sorry Bo, the long, winding road to redemption (and fantasy football championships!) is paved with second chances, Michael Vick, and the scattered remains of starved and beaten pit bull carcasses.

Mitt Romney's Christmas Card Reveals He's Either Running For President Or Taking On China's Economy With His Own Strapping Mormon Workforce

Guess which grandchild heard that Papa might run again?

The one that's hyperventilating, sobbing, "No, papa, noooooooo!!!"

Look, Mitt, I don't know which one of your perfectly adorable, weirdly named, ridiculously large Mormon brood heard you were running for president again, and frankly, I don't much care.

Nor does anyone in this great big God-blessed nation much appreciate some dumb Christmas card featuring a partial litter of Romneys and some insultingly dumb "hint" about how everyone's fave Mittens is going to once again waste millions of dollars battling it out with Sarah Palin in the ultimate campaign showdown of GOP politicians' with annoyingly-named children vying for the once-in-a-lifetime once-every-four-years chance to get humiliated by Barack Obama in a national election.

Yay!

Oh look, here is the inside of Romney's Christmas card/Quadrennial White House bid depicting the precise moment when the rest of the magical Mormons come skipping out of the enchanted gum drop forest to join Papa Romney on his epic journey to possible Iowa straw poll victory before losing the nomination to someone much older or dumber, depending on what's in vogue for Republicans this year:

Holy Holidays! It looks like the Palins and the Romneys are also in a hotly contested race to outbreed each other too.

That or Mittens isn't taking any chances this time around, and is simply begetting his own electorate instead.

Which is a great idea, Mitt! Just get everyone in your really really ridiculously good looking family to register to vote and Holy Brigham Young! you've got that Republican nomination locked up tighter than one of your sixteen wives' chastity belts.

So remember folks, a vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for endless war, endless economic stagnation, and endless environmental devastation.

Hell, if those pictures are any indication, the man's never pulled out of anything in his life!

Is Everyone's Fave Straight-As-A-Southern-Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham About To Be Outed As A Deviant, Army Distracting Homosexual?

South Carolina's favorite sexually ambiguous native son, lifelong bachelor, and lesbian look-a-like senior Senator Lindsey Graham is always reliably against deviant homosexuals having any basic human rights in America because well, Lindsey's a Republican, y'all!

And not just any gay-bashin' war lovin' rough 'n tumble conservative from below the Mason-Dixon line, but a certain effeminate, never-been-married gent (which pretty much proves everything), whose been hounded by gay rumors ever since he first pranced on the political scene back in the '90s when Right Said Fred was still doing his little turn on the catwalk.

Sadly, despite all of Lindsey's noble efforts to distance himself from the hideous queers by trying desperately to keep them away from America's sacred heterosexual altars and military barracks, the rainbow rumors just won't go away!

Even his convincing declaration in a 2009 New York Times Magazine interview, "I ain't gay" isn't enough to keep the not-at-all-suspicious spring out his perfectly straight step.

To make matters even worse, gay rights activist and world famous outer of closeted, hypocritical, self-loathing politicians, Mike Rogers, claims to have "pictures of a man who spent the night" with Sen. Lindsey Graham, which is absolutely CRAZY because everyone knows Republicans cannot be gay because of Jesus 'n the bible 'n stuff.

But Mike Rogers' Twitter account says otherwise:

I wonder if Lindsey Graham knows I have pictures of a man who spent the night at his house. pls RT
– 10:57 AM Dec 18th
Just reached lawyer at home. Meeting set for Tues. on releasing pix of man who spent night at Lindsey Graham’s.
– 11:05 AM Dec 18th

But what ever does Mr. Rogers (sorry, I couldn't resist) mean by "pictures of a man who spent the night" at Graham's house? Pictures of his secret little boy toy/luggage handler scurrying furtively from his front porch wearing nothing but a silk robe and slippers? Candid shots of a loving embrace, steamy goodbye kiss or otherwise compromising position of the Senator and his special man friend?

Perhaps it was just his bestest friend in the whole world, John McCain, paying his fellow Grand Old Patriot a friendly visit for a quick round of Twister while discussing all the terrible "gay distractions" swirling around the old man's deranged, rapidly deteriorating mind?

Because one thing America will not, cannot afford is all these God-awful "gay distractions" causing once full-bodied, straight-as-an-arrow soldiers to suddenly go gay crazy, start blowing one another, only to get their limbs blown off and turn the entire United States Armed Forces into a bunch of limbless sissies, who'd probably be waving not mighty, beautiful red, white, and blue stars 'n stripes, but hideous rainbow and pink triangle flags.

If only they still had their arms.

No One Asked But McCain's Still Telling...He's A Bitter Old Man Who Hates The Gays Almost As Much As NObama & His Own Pathetic, Miserable Life

Rejoice America because John McCain's deranged, one-man stinky rotten loser, raging bull destroy-Obama crusade to keep awful gay and lesbian soldiers from admitting they're in fact awful gay and lesbian soldiers is now as dead as the old man's last remaining neurons and synapses.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of the usually insufferable but occasionally decent, ol' Independent Joe Lieberman and scrappy, hard-fighting, justice-seekin' Mormon Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Senate finally achieved its first successful repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell after only 500 pathetic attempts, and like, 17 shameful years, by an official vote of 65 decent human beings to 31 bitter, bigoted old white men.

Hooray!

But just because a policy granting decency and basic human rights to members of our Armed Forces is good for equality, good for justice, and good for America, does not mean it is good for John McCain. We wouldn’t want to have too many civil rights in a gloriously free society such as our own, now would we?

No, no we certainly wouldn't! Unless you're a hippie dippie queer-lovin' Democrat!

“I don’t care who you love,” Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, said as the repeal debate opened. “If you love this country enough to risk your life for it, you shouldn’t have to hide who you are.” [...]

“I’m not here for partisan reasons,” Carl Levin, a Michigan Democrat, said. “I’m here because men and women wearing the uniform of the United States who are gay and lesbian have died for this country, because gay and lesbian men and women wearing the uniform of this country have their lives on the line right now.”

Oh great, so now the line is gonna be all gross and gay now, too!

Good thing one rapidly deteriorating (though, not fast enough!) Senator by the name of John McCain will not stand silently by as desperately-needed civil rights are tossed around willy-nilly to every fatigue-clad homosexual spreading security and sin in every nook, cranny and underground bunker around the world.

Them gays will get rights over his (medically declared) dead body!

"So here we are about six weeks after an election that repudiated the agenda of the other side," McCain wheezed in a bizarre, rambling floor speech, one part argument and four parts temper tantrum.

"You think: 'what this bizarro world that the Majority Leader has been carrying us in of cloture votes on this, votes on various issues that are on the political agenda of the other side, you somehow think that beginning next January 5, we will all love one another and kumbaya?"

Yeah, suck it faggots!

"Today's a very sad day. The commandant of the United States Marine Corps says when your life hangs on the line, you don't want anything distracting," McCain insisted, doing his best impression of Miss Runner Up USA and devout one man+one woman advocate Carrie Prejean..."I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs."

Hear that people?? Human torsos are literally piling up like limbless mannequin mountains all because U.S. soldiers are constantly distracted by all the hotttttt man-on-man action going on in every Iraqi foxhole and Afghan mountainside now that Ga-Ga gays are free to lose the p-p-poker face, put on their rainbow meat dresses and shimmy-shake their fabulous selves out of Army closets across the nation.

On the other hand, soldiers still possessing all their appendages are able to keep constant vigil over fellow servicemen, probably because their minds aren't stuck in the terrible, twisted gay gutter.

What else could possibly be distracting soldiers? Certainly not blessed straight, man-on-woman sex! In all of human history, men have never, ever been distracted by the thought of women and/or having sex with them, only by the thought of two guys in green and brown camouflage getting it on behind the barracks.

Hell, what do you think distracted John McCain when he crashed all those airplanes deep behind enemy lines? Certainly not Cindy McCain, who clearly wasn't yet old enough to be buying elections or posing naked with her mouth duct-taped to protest old white bigots like her wonderful Grandpa husband John wantonly discriminating against gay and lezzy people.

Bottom line is that John McCain is just trying to save innocent lives, innocent hetero lives, that is.

Despite the "thousands" of active and retired military personnel who tell him not to repeal DADT (in his head), McCain was resigned to the fact that it will be repealed, "and all over America, there'll be gold stars put up in windows, in the rural towns and communities all over America that don't partake in the elite schools that bar military recruiters from campus, that don't partake in the salons of Georgetown and the other liberal bastions here around the country, but there will be additional sacrifice."

“I have no idea what he's talking about and no one else does either," Harry Reid said with a shrug.

"All over America?" Technically, his best buddy Joe Lieberman repealed it "all over John McCain's face."

For the second time in as many years, John McCain FAILS to make history. Err, except maybe in the newly revised Texas schoolbooks. They seem to have a fondness for bitter old white men who prefer to go down with the ship.

After they toss the terrible gays overboard, that is.

Ignorance Is Freedom! New Poll Proves Fox News Viewers Are The Dumbest, Most Uninformed People In The World, Right After Fox News' Hosts

But why do the poll numbers add up to 120%, mommy? Because junior, everyone knows 100% is for pussies, math geeks, and lame-o Democrats. Not for hot, sexy Fox News, the undisputed leader in feigned 9/11 outrage, shamelessly bad graphics, mentally unstable news anchors, and baseless lies and mistruths, proudly poisoning America since 1996!

And now science has finally proven what the whole world already long suspected: People who get their "news" from Fox are the absolute dumbest, most mindblowingly idiotic, misinformed bunch of misanthrope misfits to ever grace the face of God's once green Earth. These morons have literally zero clue what's going on with umm, well, basically anything.

It's true!

A new University of Maryland study, "Misinformation and the 2010 Election," judging how likely consumers of various news outlets and publications were to believe misinformation on a wide range of political issues revealed some startling, or not so startling, results depending on whether you've spent the last six months holed up underground in one of Glenn Beck's emergency post-apocalyptic fallout shelters and bartering with armed, marauding nomads using his one-of-a-kind fake gold coins or not.

While consumers of virtually every news outlet believed some information disseminated during the 2010 election was false (90% of respondents overall), the study found that Fox News viewers, regardless of political affiliation, were "significantly more likely" to erroneously believe that:

• Most economists estimate the stimulus caused job losses (12 points more likely)
• Most economists have estimated the health care law will worsen the deficit (31 points)
• The economy is getting worse (26 points)
• Most scientists do not agree that climate change is occurring (30 points)
• The stimulus legislation did not include any tax cuts (14 points)
• Their own income taxes have gone up (14 points)
• The auto bailout only occurred under Obama (13 points)
• When TARP came up for a vote most Republicans opposed it (12 points)
• And that it is not clear that Obama was born in the United States (31 points)

So, whether it's wrongly believing that Republicans voted against TARP, a big business government program created by the Republican administration of REPUBLICAN George W. Bush, or being unable to comprehend the simple fact (and yes, it is a fact) that global temperatures are rising at an alarming rate (because it still snows in winter), the Fox News viewer is a particularly dangerous animal. Because, unlike say your average CNN or MSNBC viewer, the Fox News watcher cannot, will not, be swayed in their retarded, ass backwards beliefs that NObama is a no-good, Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist from the Soviet Union of Kenya, no matter how many times you shove his actual Hawaiian birth certificate in their dumb faces.

And like anyone inundated to a constant stream of racist rightwing lies, half-truths, and Papa Bear's pin head vs. patriot propaganda, the more a person is exposed to Fox News, the more they start to believe they are living in some doomsday hellscape led by Comrade Barry and his roving death squad of shovel-wielding Socialist sociopaths scheming to take out Granny and li'l baby Trigger.

Not only are they the stupidest people on earth, but they are 120% sure they are the smartest creatures to ever have sprouted from God's magic man-makin' dust and Adam's rib on the Sixth Day!

So there you have it folks. While common sense already told you that Fox News viewers have the most terrible, God-awful taste in food, fashion, hairstyles, houses/trailer homes, books, music, movies, art, artificial tear drops, architecture, and of course anchors, scientific evidence proves that Fox News viewers believe insanely ridiculous things about the stimulus, the economy, taxes, health care, the automobile industry bailout, unemployment, science, math and weather.

Naturally, actual Fox News viewers weren't bothered by the findings in the slightest because like seriously, c'mon, who the hell believes in science these days anyway?

Certainly not America's favoritest weeping Jesus and resident chalkboard & puppet scholar Glenn Lee Beck. He believes in a different kind of "profit." Ya know, the kind that usually ends in a bunch of zeroes.

Just like the Fox News audience!

But much like the eternal chicken/egg dilemma, one burning question remains unsolved:

Do they watch Fox News because they are idiots, or are they idiots because they watch Fox News?

It's His House & He'll Cry If He Wants To

Get your man pants on, people!

Weeping orange boner John Boehner apparently did not get the GOP memo about how real Republican men don't start moaning and wailing like some skirt-wearing sissy queer, they buck the hell up, put on their manliest pair of testosterone-infused man pants (Brett Favre's Wranglers?) and leave the leaky faucet estrogen act to the li'l lady whose Speaker gavel now rests in their Grand Ol' Possession.

Because America's newest Speaker Weeper of the House doesn't need an actual reason to sob on national television like the emotional dude or alcoholic madman on the verge of a nervous breakdown that he is, just like he doesn't need the sun's UV rays to achieve that natural "Rusty Nail" hue that is his skin color.

"I've never been in a tanning salon in my life, I've never used a tanning product in my life," Boehner said, pausing to wipe away the fat, wet drops of Fanta-colored tears streaming down his face.

His wife Debbie said he's had dark skin, a happy hour buzz, and the emotional stability of a playground schoolgirl, since she's known him.

During an interview on "60 Minutes," host Leslie Stahl asked the new House Speaker why he got so choked up on election night.

"Talking, trying to talk about the fact that I've been chasing the American dream my whole career," Boehner said.

She better be smokin' hottttt, what with all the time he's spent chasing the sexy thing always playin' hard-to-get, teasin' him with her mini skirt and thigh-high f**k me boots.

“Some things, there are some things that are very difficult to talk about. Family, kids — I can’t go to a school anymore, I used to go to a lot of schools. You see all these little kids running around, can’t talk about it,” Boehner said. “Making sure that these kids have a shot at the American dream, like I did, is important.”

So there you have it, folks. John Boehner can no longer set foot in a school, or watch kids run around chasing dreams 'n cooties 'n stuff, because he might drown in all his tears. He can also no longer conduct so much as a single interview without breaking down and weeping hysterically on prime-time teevee all because that no-good bully Barack Obama called him a big, meany hostage man in front of everyone.

In the “60 Minutes” interview, Boehner said Obama showed him “disrespect” by calling him a hostage-taker.

“Excuse me, Mr. President I thought the election was over,” Boehner said, according to a transcript obtained by POLITICO. “You know, you get a lot of that heated rhetoric during an election. But now it’s time to govern.”

Govern...ya know, the stuff you do to look busy, and hopefully keep your cheeks nice 'n dry like your fave martini, between tee times and happy hour.

"What you see is what you get," Boehner added. "I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my own skin, and everybody who knows me knows that I get emotional about certain things."

Like say a certain half-black president choosing to go public and speak honestly about you and your pale Republican cohorts negotiating in bad faith. Boo hoo.

Tears? No, no, them there's Freedom Drops!

It may take a true Boehner to cry spontaneously and without provocation, but only a real Dick does it solely when talking about his own, sweet sufferin' sunkissed leaker Speaker self.

Deck The Halls With Greed & Sorrow, Santa Clause-Killing Repubs Are Coming To Town!

Forget the pesky equal-rights demanding gays or the gross poors, this time the ever-righteous, morally pure Grand Old Prophets of Divinity here on Earth have turned their seething, beautifully white hot, perfectly rational rage towards a much more cunning adversary: the Godless n'er-do-well Democrats.

Ugh, the nerve of those bastards trying to actually get critical legislation passed during what was supposed to be a lame duck Congress of fun and  frivolity!

Luckily for the rest of us in real America, fearless leaders heroes like Republicans Senators Jim DeMint of South Carolina and Jon Kyl of Arizona will not just stand idly by while Democrats' desecrate the Holy Spirit of Halo III and insufferable, recycled RomCom box office busts with such legislative tomfoolery, like the silly omnibus spending bill to fund dumb government for another year, repealing the discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy permitting gross gays and lezzies to get blown up by roadside IEDs like normal, decent, straight Americans, or signing some terrible, pussy new START nuclear arms treaty with Russia.

This aggression cannot stand!

Enraged by the Democrats' pre-Christmas push to actually get some shit accomplished for once in their miserable, pathetic lives, Sen. Jim DeMint  blasted the move as "sacrilegious," and warned he'd draw the process out to wage his objections.

"You can't jam a major arms control treaty right before Christmas," the less-than-fresh, increasingly bitter Sen. Jim DeMint told POLITICO. "What's going on here is just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. They did the same thing last year - they kept everybody here until (Christmas Eve) to force something down everybody's throat. I think Americans are sick of this."

Of course, they could be sick from all the toxic smoke and debris inhaled by 9/11 First Responders lacking adequate health care since Republicans simply cannot justify funding these freeloaders while poor, suffering millionaires, barons and heiresses face the terrifying injustice of a marginal tax increase they'll never need, miss nor so much as notice anyway.

This is a matter of principles, God damn it, and if there's one thing Republicans don't compromise on, it's principles!

Principles like the dignity of denying 9/11 emergency workers adequate care for their heroic efforts during a national tragedy, compassion for billionaire CEOs in danger of losing their cushy billion dollar bonuses, and of course deep concern for their own, hard-earned, well-deserved paid vacation time to celebrate the miraculous birth of their favoritest immaculately conceived precious li'l bundle of divinity, baby Jesus.

Like Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) who simply cannot stay silent while dastardly Democrats try to complete a busy lame duck agenda by dancing like wild Injuns around the swaddled Savior in his miracle manger.

"It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out," Sen. Jon Kyl said, "frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff."

So true! But even a dumb old Mormon like Harry Reid knows disrespecting baby Jesus is better than disrespecting the Resurrected Jesus because HE is no longer Jewish, and thus infinitely better.

"As a Christian, no one has to remind me of the importance of Christmas for all of the Christian faith, all their families across America," Harry Reid said. "I don’t need to hear the sanctimonious lectures of Sens. Kyl and DeMint to remind me of what Christmas means."

"Where were their concerns about Christmas [when they were posing] filibuster after filibuster of every piece of legislation during this entire Congress?" Reid asked on the Senate floor this afternoon.

Ummm, probably out getting plastered with Santa and the rest of those red-nosed reindeer sluts, colored savages, and sodomite soldiers spreading Seasons Greetings, smart bombs, and STDs across the land in sinful secular spirit.

Forget What Jesus Would Do. I'll tell you What Jesus Wouldn't Do. And that's enact some pussy Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty that would bring us closer to 'peace on earth,' or do anything to help ease the pain and suffering of those less fortunate than, say, the Fortune 500.

After all, 'tis the Season to be Jolly Wretched.

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Heroic Judge Saves Virginia (And Maybe America!) From The Evils Of Affordable Health Care

Congratulations, Virginia! Republican State Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli's fearless crusade to keep the gubmint's big, bad, ever-expanding health care paws off the God-fearing, ever-expanding waistlines of the good people of Virginia has finally succeeded...for now.

Hooray!

According to the honorable Henry E. Hudson, a federal judge in Virginia who ruled parts of Barack Obama's signature health care reform legislation unconstitutional, Congress cannot force people to buy health care coverage, especially when you consider how many jalapeño poppers a person can shove down their throats for the same price as a month’s worth of bland, oven baked, not even deliciously deep fried, health insurance.

In a 42-page opinion, Judge Hudson ruled the provision of the law that requires most individuals to get insurance or pay a fine by 2014 is an unprecedented & unlawful expansion of federal power that cannot be supported by the Commerce Clause of the Constitution. And it also apparently violates the lesser known Help People Not Unnecessarily Die (Or Go Bankrupt) Clause of the Constitution.

"Neither the Supreme Court nor any federal circuit court of appeals has extended Commerce Clause powers to compel an individual to involuntarily enter the stream of commerce by purchasing a commodity in the private market," he wrote. "In doing so, enactment of the [individual mandate] exceeds the Commerce Clause powers vested in Congress under Article I [of the Constitution.]"

Of course, the ruling by judge Henry Hudson, who was appointed to the bench by George W. Bush, has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with the fact that he is a major shareholder who owns between $15,000 and $50,000 in a GOP political consulting firm that gets paid to argue that health care reform's individual mandate is a terrible, unconstitutional Socialist threat to the very existence of America. It's really just that he's a Republican.

Hudson is the first judge to rule that the individual mandate is unconstitutional. He said, however, that portions of the law that do not rest on the requirement that individuals obtain insurance are legal and can proceed. Hudson indicated there was no need for him to enjoin the law and halt its implementation, since the mandate does not go into effect until 2014.

Tsk, tsk, silly Hudson! The dumb schmuck doesn't even realize that thanks to NObama and his terrible Socialist legislation to help poor people and kids with cancer not senselessly die or get fleeced by greedy insurance companies, there probably won't even be a 2014.

Either way, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, who filed the case, one of 25 legal challenges against Obama's sweeping reform  legislation, because affordable health care is for pussies, heralded the Judge's ruling.

"I am gratified we prevailed," Cuccinelli said. "This won't be the final round, as this will ultimately be decided by the Supreme Court, but today is a critical milestone in the protection of the Constitution."

After all, Virginia is for (different sexed, same skinned!) lovers...of denying people health care.

Lessons In Fierce: Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal In Senate As Dead As Republicans' Sense Of Decency & Justice

Pump up the Gaga, gays and gals who like gals! Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid finally went ahead with a a cloture vote on the defense spending bill, a procedural move effectively allowing a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to come to the floor for debate, though fortunately not gay and lesbian soldiers to burst out of Army closets as out 'n proud members of the U.S. Military. Phew!

But, like most other bills not exclusively dedicated to making the rich even more delightfully rich and powerful, this too failed by a vote of 57-40, because our nation's democracy is so advanced and effective that it can't even rule on matters of basic equality like normal human beings not crazed, special needs swamp monsters.

Rumor had it that gay-loving Republicans Scott "Cosmo" Brown, Susan "Cock Tease" Collins, and John "What Happens In Vegas..." Ensign were on board and ready to support repeal.

They were thisclose, I tell ya, thisclose to getting this thing done, once and for all!

But nooooooo! Suddenly, Ms. Collins decided, eh, on second thought, she won't vote for cloture after all because apparently the last 17 years haven't been nearly long enough, and she obviously needs more time to straighten things out, so to speak.

And she will also not move so much as one freakin, freedom-denying  inch unless a certain Mormon Majority Leader agrees to her perfectly reasonable demands for very kindly permitting debate to proceed on the defense authorization bill, so that her wonderful Grand Old colleagues can take to the floor and explain all the fabulous reasons why, when it comes to gross gay and lesbians (except when it involves Michael Steele RNC fundraisers), they don't care about logic or equality, but centuries-old bigotry and fear. Well, that and tax cuts for the rich, of course.

"The majority leader's allotment of time to debate those amendments was extremely short (17 years does seem a bit rash!), so I have suggested doubling the amount of time, assuring that there would be votes, and making sure that the Republicans get to pick our own amendments as opposed to the Majority Leader," Sen. Collins said, adding, "If he does that I will do all that I can to help him proceed to the bill. But if he does not do that, then I will not."

So there!

Collins reminded Reid that Republicans don't want to debate anything until the tax issue is resolved. "I have urged the majority leader to postpone the vote...so that we could get the tax bill considered first -- which I believe could be on the floor tomorrow -- and completed by Saturday, and then move immediately to the DOD bill, but under a fair agreement."

A fair agreement being, of course, whatever it takes to stall debating (let alone voting on) some dumb, bizarre policy compromise crafted 17 years ago, when most of the country still thought of gays as scary, rainbow unitard wearing sexually deviant demons fairying through the skies scouring for innocent heterosexual newborns to kidnap and have their wily ways with back in their Pottery Barn accented soft lofts in the ninth circle of Hell. Now gays are mostly known as those pesky, speedo-clad hard-bodies whose ridiculous demands for equal rights and the same constitutional guarantees as their superior, heterosexual counterparts are making life very difficult for those like John McCain, who rely on hatred and discrimination for their very survival!

Well the Republicans' brilliant "Good Faith" negotiation strategy of ever-shifting demands and stall tactics worked wonders, because Susan Collins did end up voting for cloture,  not because she realized the lives and livelihoods of actual soldiers is probably more important than parliamentary process and archaic Senate procedures, but because with Republican Sens. Scott Brown (MA), Richard Lugar (IN), and Lisa Murkowski (AK) suddenly voting no, the repeal bill was doomed anyway.

Because being a "moderate" Republican like Susan Collins means saying you're in favor of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal, but only once it is guaranteed that the legislation itself would never come to an actual vote because their party would drag their feet on it forever. 

Or if you're a freshly elected Democratic Senator from West Virginia like Joe Manchin, you also vote against repeal (when you're not shooting environment-protecting cap 'n trade bills with shotguns, that is) because in his enlightened Mountaineer state, politicians get instant respect and admiration whenever they vote against their terrible, fellow Democratic party, particularly on matters involving saving this dumb old planet or giving equal rights to them homos and their gross homo agenda.

"There is simply no evidence and no justification - legal, military or otherwise - for keeping this policy in place," Sen. Harry Reid said. "There is no reason to keep American citizens from fighting for the country they love because of whom they love."

Oh, Harry!

You don't need reason when you have Republicans!

But since you insist, how 'bout...NObama 2012??

Hell, there's forty reasons right there!

This Is The Kind Of Change That Makes You Feel All Dirty & Democratic Inside

President Barack Obama took to the teevee to do what he does best, other than nailing mid range jump shots: nailing liberal Democrats and their terrible no-good liberal Democratic policies in order to defend his perfectly good reasoning for bending over striking a compromise with congressional Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts for two years in exchange for new stimulus measures and Republicans collectively pinky swearing to stop acting like a bunch of Grand Old Pricks and big, greedy Boehners, orange or otherwise, anytime he tries do something awful like breathe.

Woohoo!

This is wonderful news for America, because once again the Republicans get to do what they do best: act like a bunch of, how shall I put this, umm, "Asshats" until they get everything they want, yet still pretend they are getting screwed over by that meany black Socialist Muslim thug in the White House.

They get all of their dumb, deficit swelling tax cuts for the long-suffering heiress and baron class, extended for two years, plus some sweet cuts in the estate tax as an extra bonus for all the GOP's hard work, cooperation, and selflessness these past two years.

Because according to President Obama, who is sooooo totally over that whole "emo" stage, it is much more preferable to save the middle class from slightly higher taxes for a short period of time and secure more unemployment aid by abandoning your principles in favor of a smoother-running country, than to make the Republican Party put their designer man pants on, take responsibility, and actually suffer for their illogical policies destroying America.

It's called compromise, and it's what mature, practical, adult Presidents do, something you silly intellectual elites reading silly elite newspapers and sticking to your even sillier elitist ideologies wouldn't know the first thing about!

"There are some who would have preferred a protracted political fight even if it meant higher taxes for all Americans," the president said at a White House news conference a day after the compromise was announced. "And I understand the desire for a fight. I'm sympathetic to that."

But to tell you the truth, I'm kinda wiped from the morning pickup game with my new Republican homies, so eh, I think I'll just give up my ideals, take the Grand Old Position, and endorse the domestic fiscal policy of George W. Bush instead. Who's with me?

While Obama said that he’ll oppose the Bush tax cuts for the rich when they’re up again in two years—he insisted he's "not here to play games with the American people or the health of our economy."

Please! He only does that with round bouncy orange & black leather/rubber/synthetic composite balls, a hoop, and a hard surface.

No More Mr. Nice Guy Barry did have some scathing words for both the "sanctimonious" left, whose wacky idea of reality consists of perusing the New York Times while perched upon their diamond encrusted golden toilets, and the God-awful GOP he shared a romantic, candlelight dinner of principle-free, deep fried capitalist Pork chops, topped off with a delicious slice of heaping humble pie with:

“This is their holy grail, these tax cuts for the wealthy,” a visibly annoyed Obama said of Republicans. He acknowledged that most Americans support repealing the tax cuts for the rich, but said he couldn’t persuade the Senate GOP: “I have not been able to budge them.”

Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!?

Obama said he was determined to prevent a stalemate that would let taxes rise for everyone when the Bush-era rates are set to expire at the end of the month. “I am not willing to let working families across this country become collateral damage for political warfare here in Washington.”

He'd much rather let himself, his beliefs, and his entire Democratic base be blown into smithereens than dare stand up to the scary Republicans and risk exposing them for the power-hungry, poor-hating frauds they are, instead of appeasing them Hitler-style.

"I've said before that I felt that the middle class tax cuts were being held hostage to the high end tax cuts. I think it's tempting not to negotiate with hostage takers. Unless the hostage gets harmed. Then, people will question the wisdom of that strategy. In this case the hostage was the American people and I was not willing to see them get harmed."

Of course you weren't, B! As if Democrats would ever so much as dream of believing in their ideas deeply enough that they would actually be willing to fight for them, lest they look like they possess an actual spine, leadership abilities, convictions, or some outrageous positive quality like that.

Because, if there’s one thing Democrats can agree on, it’s surrendering to opposition.

Of course, one would think that the party that wins a midterm election campaigning solely on the critical need to cut deficits, and then once in power, immediately stonewalls any legislation that would actually cut hundreds of billions of dollars from said deficit, would then be subject to immediate public outrage, widespread condemnation, and criticism for being hypocritical liars, who are objectively full of shit.

Not so my friends, not so!

Instead, the invisible, omnipresent, menacing tax monster started rearing his ugly head, forcing the White House and frightened Democrats to make terrible sell-out deals on tax cuts they really don't want (or need) to make, in the hopes that they would be spared being gobbled up, swallowed whole, and digested, bit-by-bit, by this insatiable giant tax goblin that apparently only feasts on the fresh and tender meat of feeble Democrats, not the old, rotting, maggot-infested flesh of Republicans.

In return for the whole tax cuts thing, Republicans will maybe (haha, fingers crossed!) agree to extending jobless aid for the long-term unemployed, also kindly starving Dems of their one advantage of getting to accurately call out the Republicans for refusing to help all gross poors and unemployed people until every last rich person is taken care of, tax-free, with a complimentary mansion, horse stable, waitstaff, and shiny set of steak knives as a thank you.

Oh well!

Fortunately, these heroic tax cuts, passed in a time of prosperity for no conceivable reason except maybe to further fatten the deficit, will never, ever die.

Instead, they will just shrivel up collecting dust in a corner with all the other disastrous Bush-era policies still lurking, biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to pass Congress, and trickle down wealth and prosperity upon all the land.

Like say when a Democrat is in the White House.

Surrender becomes the new hope; capitulation, the new change.

Now that's compromise we can believe in!

Praise Jesus! House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because Global Warming Is Just Another Elitist Liberal Lie

Rejoice America! Now that the Teapublicans have gone and taken America back from the evil Democratic scourge to regain rightful control of the House of Representatives, climate change is no more. Done, gone, finito, forever.

Woohoo!

Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming's top Republican and as such, one of the more vocal climate change deniers, announced they will be getting rid of the the committee when they take over, because now that the GOP is in power, climate change is a thing of the past! The lame, Democratic past, that is! Mwwhahahaha!

So why you wonder does this critical issue no longer need special congressional attention?

Duh! Because Republicans say so, that's why!

Turns out global warming never existed at all, except maybe in the minds of dumb Democrats, scientists around the world, the entire international community, and anyone else with half a brain instead of oil 'n sludge lodged between their ears. 

Why didn’t those silly Democrats just listen to the Republicans all along? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy swirling blue ball isn't warming up at all!

Whoopsies! What a hilarious blooper!

Of course, many of Sensenbrenner’s enlightened fellow Republicans were happy to see the committee scrapped.

“I think that if we’re looking for a good place to cut, not having this could be a good place to cut,” committee member Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), said, adding that, “I think that we’ve done a good job of proving that global warming is not a decided science.”

OMG totes! Same goes for that ridiculous monkeys-to-human thing. Suck it evolution! Darwin ain't got nothin' on Adam's Rib!

Luckily for the rest of us, Sensenbrenner promised to continue fighting the good fight to make sure other people in Congress don’t make this amusing little “climate change” mistake again.

But, noooooooo! Apparently some people, like the now-dead committee’s Democratic Chairman, Ed Markey, just don’t see what a terrible blunder they’re making here.

“We are not going away because the problems that climate change presents are too dangerous too urgent for us to disappear into the abyss of cynicism and loss,” Markey said. “We are not going away because China, India, and Germany are not going away as competitors for global energy dominance. We are not going away because the national security threats from our continued dependence on foreign oil are not going away.”

Oh, Markey! They're probably just playing peek-a-boo.

“The politics may change but the problems have not changed,” Markey said. “The problems still need to be remedied by legislative action that comes from the United States Congress.”

Whoa, whoa, not anymore, Ed! Didn't you get the memo? Magic Jesus will be calling the shots nowadays!

Meanwhile, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.), who serves on the panel, called it a “travesty” that Republicans decided to axe the committee, saying, “It’s the worst thing that could happen.”

Get a grip, Cleaver! Besides, look on the bright side, the House Select Committee on Saving The Millionaires and Naming Stuff After Reagan isn't going anywhere.

Environmental attorney Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said the decision is “not just a catastrophe for global warming but it’s a catastrophe for national security...We have got to make sure to try to educate the Republicans, and to the extent they can’t be educated, to take Congress back.”

Ummm, yeah, good luck with that. They already called No Indian Giving! Err, wait, or was it just No Indians?? I can never keep it straight!

In other breaking congressional news, the sun revolves around the earth, which is flat. And, also if global warming did exist, it can simply be fixed with tax cuts for the rich. It says so in the bible!

Survival of the fittest? Ha ha, not anymore, my friends. This is the Republican's House, remember? More like survival of the dimwittedness!

U.S. Military Report Finally Asks & Tells, But Republicans Suddenly Can't Hear Or Speak

Oh no, not them pesky ne'r-do-well gays again!

Sure, more and more Americans are increasingly supportive of and comfortable with "gays" and "woman gays" aka "lesbians" serving openly in the military because, umm, last I checked this was the 21st century not the late cretaceous period when John McCain was still just a primordial twinkle in his mother's eye.

And also because much like John McCain's arthritis medicine, personal integrity, and mental capacity, wanton and unjust discrimination too has a half-life.

Pew has a new poll out today showing that the nation has shifted on Don't Ask Don't Tell, since the 1990s. Only 27 percent of Americans oppose gays and lesbians serving openly in the military, down from 45 percent in 1994. Fifty-eight percent of Americans support ending DADT. Even among Republicans, there is a narrow split: 44 percent oppose gays serving, while 40 percent favor.

OMG! Well there's that homosexual agenda for you. Fighting for acceptance, justice, and equality for years and years, until eventually, after decades of hard fought-struggle, bitter opposition, and sloooowly evolving attitudes, the wretched gays and lezzies finally gain said acceptance.

Whoa, whoa slow down queers! Ramming their God-forsaken, insidious agenda down our throats for the past half century or so years until our throats are so red, raw and sore that we can't even close our perfectly hetero jaws anymore.

Just look what's happening to the usually reliable bastion of homophobia and intolerance, the U.S. Military! The much-heralded, highly anticipated Holy Grail of Gay Studies, the Pentagon's several hundred-page report (which you can read all 267 pages of here, if you're insane) on whether allowing secretly gay soldiers to say "I'm gay" aloud would destroy the American military has been released. And turns out...wait for it...most soldiers do not think that allowing their fellow servicemen (and women) to be honest about their own, terrible sexuality (without fear of reprisal) would cause a sudden rainbow revolution where GI Joes and Janes throw off their fatigues, and come shimmy-shaking out of Army closets across the country singing "Honky Cat," ready to make deviant same-sex love, not pure, straight-as-a-bullet war.

- 70% of Service members said they would be able to "work together to get the job done" with a gay servicemember in their immediate units.
- 69% said they worked in a unit with a co-worker that they believed to be homosexual.
- 92% stated that their unit's "ability to work together," with a gay person was "very good, "good" or "neither good nor poor." (89% for those in Army combat arms units, 84% for those in Marine combat arms units.)
- 74% of spouses of military service-members say repeal of DADT would have no impact on their view of whether their husbands or wives should continue to serve.
- 30% overall (and 40–60% in the Marine Corps and in various combat arms specialties) expressed negative views or concerns about the impact of a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

But it's not just the right to fight and die for their country as out 'n proud members of the U.S. military that the wicked gays are after. They want all the rights and privileges of normal people who have God-approved sex with the proper (1:1) penis-vagina ratios, the nerve!

And just look what the terrible gays are doing to America's moral fabric! Turning us into a bunch of rainbow colored, mostly divorced sissies, I tell ya!

A minority of Americans in 2010 (43 percent) think it is bad for society to have more gay couples raising children, while a majority think it is either a good thing (12 percent) or it makes no difference (41 percent) to have gay couples in parenting roles.

Umm, hello?? Need I remind you of a cozy li'l community called Sodom and Gomorrah? Fire, brimstone, but not a discothèque to be found in all the land. Coincidence, I think not!

What is truly tragic is that so many otherwise good, decent citizens are being swayed by this homosexual cabal and special interest minority always trying to shove freedom and equality down innocent, homophobic Americans' throats, but thankfully we still have heroes like John McCain around to ensure this great nation remains at the mercy of the will of the people.

Err, the will of the non-gay and non-gay-supporting people, that is. The real people.

Like say, congressional Republicans, whose initial enlightened response to the Pentagon's painstaking, months long study unequivocally proving that repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell won't damage troop readiness, hurt troop morale, or cause the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to appear on the shores of Ellis Island, is to demand more hearings and "comprehensive oversight" of this study, preferably until they assume control of the House and can kill it off for good.

The bill, not the gays, that is.

America may be going to hell but hey at least it's riding in one hell of a stylish handbasket, amiright?

Forget Russia, Sarah Palin Can Sue Sweden From Her Backyard!

Sarah Palin knows she has what it takes to be President of the bestest, most God blessed, freedom-lovingest country in the whole wide world, the United States of Jesus Christ's America, because unlike that no-good NObama, she knows how to sue evil, arugula-eating lamestream media blogs who leak her sensitive documents all over the Internets.

It's true!

I mean why can't the U.S. military simply stop every single one of its strictly heterosexual soldiers, like say, Palin's other oddly named non-special needs son Track, from leaking sensitive, classified documents to Wikileaks the way Sarah singlehandedly stopped the website Gawker from publishing unauthorized excerpts of her newest ghostwritten book ode to herself, America By Heart??

Probably because Sarah Palin is not currently commander-in-chief, duh! All you have to do is repeat on a respectable news site the same logic she attempted on Twitter, and viola! it almost makes sense:

Sarah Palin was able to get a federal judge this month to stop a website from publishing unauthorized excerpts of her book. Now, she wants to know why the White House couldn’t put the breaks on Sunday’s WikiLeaks document dump, Politico writes.

Hear that people? Sarah Palin's Twitter Account would like to know why exactly NObama's White House couldn't stop WikiLeaks release of 250,000 documents when she, Snow Goddess of Wasilla, was easily able to get a federal judge to stop Gawker from publishing terrible, embarrassingly written excerpts from her book several days before its release, with little more than a wink, growl and millions of dollars in legal fees.

“Inexplicable: I recently won in court to stop my book ‘America by Heart’ from being leaked," she tweeted, "but US Govt can't stop Wikileaks' treasonous act?”

By "stop" Sarah, of course, means "drop a predator drone missile on."

What is even more inexplicable, however, is that Constitutional scholar Sarah Palin doesn't seem to understand that while America may be her (and Jesus') favoritest country in the whole world who can smart bomb all the evil Muslims it wants anytime, anyplace, anywhere, sadly, its wonderful system of laws (including treason, the only crime defined in the Constitution) does not apply to other sovereign nations like Sweden, where the founder of WikiLeaks is located, because a foreigner cannot commit treason against the United States. That's reserved for citizens, and whatever Joe Lieberman is considered, only.

Whoops.

Oh and also, Sar, in America we have this little thing known as the “Freedom of the Press” which includes the right to be free from prior restraints aka oppressive censorship or stopping publications and communications before they even have a chance to reach the public.

So there you have it Sarah...that's why the black man can't do anything about this right now.

Inexplicable: Obama managed to have his Portuguese water dog Bo neutered, but SarahPalinUSA can't keep her dumb clan of grizzly cubs from spawning all over the place??

Please, please, dear God, let this woman become President so she can be in charge of all pointless wars everywhere, sue the dickens out of evil blogs like Gawker for freedom, and run our government the way it it is supposed to be run:

In 140-special-needs-characters or less. On Twitter...from her snow-covered back porch in the middle of the frozen Arctic tundra.

Oh, you betcha!

Eric Cantor & GOP Productions Present The Official Freshmen Survival Guide Warning Dumb, New Republicans Not To Pull Usual Dumb, Old Tricks

Between hours of boring lectures on the floor by day and secret orgies with orange Boehners by night, Congress can be a very scary place!

Good thing the #2 ranked House Republican, but #1 most caring member, Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia, is looking out for his fellow incoming Grand Old Party members still enjoying Freshman orientation to make sure they don't do anything dumb and stupid to fuck up everything for everyone, before he and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots even get a chance to do that themselves.

It's called "Hit the Ground Running," and tucked into Eric Cantor's Official Freshmen Guide is 144 pages of helpful hints and tips for the new kids on how to avoid your basic missteps, mishaps, Minneapolis airport men's rooms, DC Madam prostitution rings, screw-ups, or even so much as the appearance of fuck-uppery in the eyes of lecherous librul reporters. (Ooops, looks like at least one frosh clearly forgot to read his Official Freshmen Guide in time).

In the introduction, Cantor writes, “A new member’s first term is critically important, especially for those whom have just won with a narrow margin. This manual is designed to get you on the right track right off the bat and will help you avoid common early mistakes and pitfalls.” (Here's lookin' at you Mr. Newly elected Rep. Andy "I Hate ObamaCare, Now Give Me My Free Gubmint Health Care" Harris.)

Examples of the wisest words of wisdom:

• "Read and re-read the U.S. Constitution." (Apparently, it is all the rage these days! Those Teabag people will simply not shut up about it!)
• "Don't be afraid to say, 'No.'" (Umm, duh! It's 'Yes" that should make you run screaming for your legislative life).
• "Don't try to learn everything on day one." (Haha, don't be silly, Eric! They've never learned anything in one day, let alone everything there is to know about bein' a lawmaker in one fell swoop).

But, okay! We got it! Err, wait, we're supposed to say, "no," right? Unless that's one of those things we're not supposed to learn on day one. Ugh, make up your darn mind already, Cantor!

Another “Insider Tip” states, “It is not uncommon these days for members to be quizzed on the Constitution at town halls and other constituent meetings. The more constitutional knowledge that you obtain, the better.”

So, umm a word to the wise, don't go pulling a Christine O'Donnell now, capisce?

Don't hire commies, spies, or anyone not a perfect, beautiful Republican:

The manual also stresses that hiring members of the GOP is vital: "Hire Republicans: Loyalty Matters and it will be extremely difficult to engender loyalty if staffers are not committed to your philosophy. A non-Republican is likely to be unhappy working for you."

Wait the Republicans have an actual philosophy?? Other than be white, rich, and believe in the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to stop that terrible, no-good, secret Muslim terrorist Socialist Barack Hussein Obama. It's like they always say, if it ain't rich white and male, it's time to let that baby sail!

Oh, and also watch out for the lamestream media lurking in the shadows with questions ready and cameras rolling. Same goes for those smart alec bloggers always lookin' to start trouble for innocent lawmakers, particularly Grand Old Patriotic ones who get caught doing the very terrible, Godless things they're always ranting about.

“Certain members of the media will be looking to ‘ambush’ unsuspecting freshmen as they walk to the Capitol to vote. A way to avoid dealing with members of the press: go underground when heading to the House floor for votes. If it’s a contentious issue and you don’t wish to be interviewed, then take the tunnel.”

So many rules, so many traps! The life of a congressman sure can be perilous!

“Be cognizant that you are often on TV when on the House floor. Checking of e-mails on your BlackBerry can often wind up in the press,” one 'Insider Tip' states.

"Always assume you're on camera when you are in the Chamber. Even if you are simply looking at your cell phone, you might appear to be asleep. It's happened to other members." (Advice from Rep. Gregg Harper, R-Miss.)

And take it from Cantor, you can end up looking like a real douchebag if you're not careful.

Ethics is touched on throughout the book: “It is important to keep in mind that even if you haven’t violated any rules, the appearance of impropriety can be just as damaging. So always be certain that everything you do as a member is — and appears to be — above board,” the manual states.

But really more the "appears to be" part.

“If you don’t want to see an activity or event reported on the front page of the local newspaper, don’t do it.” 

That goes for beating up your wife, mistress, or even the prostitute you picked up on the corner. Also, sex acts involving diapers and/or soliciting cops in airport bathrooms are strongly discouraged.

On “Being an Effective Floor Member,” the manual recommends that members know the answer to two important questions before casting a vote on the House floor: “Be prepared for two eventual questions every time you cast your vote on the House floor: did you read the bill, and is it constitutional?”

Obviously, since it is Republicans we're talking about, the answer should be "no," and "hell no," respectively.

Under legislative goals, the House GOP leadership urges caution: “If your legislation creates a new program, or increases spending, stop and ask yourself [if] it’s worth borrowing 40 cents of every dollar spent.”

Only for war, my friends, only for war. Well, that and undercover sex orgies, gay or otherwise.

Isn't college congress great?

Scholar Sarah Palin Gives America's Lamestream Media A Wink & Very Important Lesson In Journalism

Never-ending nightmare, glorified nature guide and possible 2012 presidential candidate Sarah Palin went on the only fair and balanced network in all the lamestream media, Fox News, to tell its decidedly unbiased host Sean Hannity all the sensible reasons why she, Sarah Louise Palin, will not bother speaking to biased interviewers like Katie Couric or answer any of their biased, gotcha! questions like "what newspapers do you read?" because of all the bias 'n stuff.

After all, Sarah is a journalist.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree. I studied journalism, who, what, where, when, and why of reporting," Sarah said, trying her very hardest to remember the Five Ws she scribbled on the palm of her hand while a student at University of Hawaii at Hilo, Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, Matanuska-Susitna College, University of Idaho, err, one of the five colleges she attended in six years.

"I will speak to reporters who still understand that cornerstone of our democracy, that expectation that the public has for truth to be reported.  And then we get to decide our own opinion based on the facts reported to us," Sarah added, channeling the very journalistic integrity that defined her pivotal Pulitzer prize-worthy months-long stint as a sports reporter for the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman.

“So a journalist, a reporter who is so biased and will, no doubt, spin and gin up whatever it is that I have to say to create controversy, I swear to you, I will not my waste my time with her. Or him."

Hear that all you arugula eating librul mainstream media elites with your hoity-toity grammar rules ginnin' up whatever it is Sarah has to say to create controversy or even an actual coherent sentence in the English language because of some crazy notion that word order and syntax are not optional.

“As for doing an interview, though, with a reporter who already has such a bias against whatever it is that I would come out and say? Why waste my time? No."

Like say if for some reason she couldn't answer hard-hitting, almost impossible questions like, "What's your favorite moose recipe?" "Where's Waldo?" or "When it comes to establishing your world view, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read?" and the interviewer kept pressing her because maybe they had a bias against stupid Alaskan flakes (not the snow kind) seriously attempting to be vice-president.

Well, no thank you, ma'am! Besides, the only thing she reads is her own unbiased Facebook page, so take that, Katie, you smug little smarty pants with your big words, functioning brain, and more than special needs command of the English language.

Not to mention, Katie Couric's not even on Fox, and everyone knows Jesus died for our sins so unqualified politicians plucked from the middle of nowhere could go on round-the-clock right wing propaganda machines instead of actual news programs that expect you to answer their simple, straightforward questions, not wink and grunt non sequiturs.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism."

Sarah, stupid? Haha! That's unpossible!

Dang media elites!

What she really meant to say was: "Me want fix to help news media the mess it is today since learn I good journalism."

Sarah Palin my name is, and this, I approve, message.

Unemployed Strategist Meghan McCain Wants To Use Her Big Breasts, Err, Brain To Help Republicans "Kick Obama's Ass" In 2012

OMG, alert the press! Alleged political pundit, "Dirty Sexy Politics" author, and racy boob Twitpic extraordinaire Meghan McCain is currently available as a "strategist" for the 2012 elections, just in case any Republicans would like some help losing their various presidential bids.

But act fast because this dynamo political mind, which went a whopping 1-for-5 in election night predictions (Christine O'Donnell, really??), won't last long!

“I made some predictions. I am now zero and four… I’m actually a pretty good blackjack player, but I made, I was like, ‘Meg Whitman’s gonna win, Sharron Angle all the way! And Meg Whitman, yeah!”

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, yeah!! Or in blackjack terms, I'm pretty much what you'd call a total bust, yeah! Woohoo! Perhaps I should just stick with sending out Twitter pics of my massive, bountiful breasts, yeah!

Word on the street is everyone who's anyone is already clamoring to snag Meggy's brilliant, one-of-a-kind political mind, and solicit her savvy services...Just ask Meghan!

From Politico:

Speaking at the Miami Book Fair International to promote her book, "Dirty Sexy Politics," the daughter of Sen. John McCain expressed an interest in working as a Republican "strategist."
"I've already had people interested in me working, which is unbelievably flattering," McCain said. "I want to go out and do it all over again with somebody else — I want to go get a Republican elected. I want to kick Obama's ass the next election and get a Republican elected."

OMG, totes! Meghan will help you "kick Obama's ass," just like she did in 2008!

Or better yet, why doesn't adorable li'l Meggy just run for president herself? Sure, the lame-o Constitution "says" you need to be 35, but maybe that old senile eternal Senator from Arizona (what's his name again?) can do something about that, like pull some strings or start hacking on the senate floor to get her some sort of exemption?

After all, Meghan said she is willing to "do anything I can" (except umm, get an actual job, obviously, but she will flash her tatas all over Twitter, free of charge!) to score a win for the GOP in 2012.

Maybe that means she's ready to pursue a career in blackjack instead of humiliating herself trying to figure out this whole politics thing. Who knows?

What Meghan does know, however, is that Obama "has done little to nothing with his administration."

HAHAHAHAHA, the dumb loser!

He doesn't even need a rich, famous daddy with lots of political connections to help him get nothing accomplished!

Sarah Palin Is Confident She Can Beat Barack Obama; Good Thing Sarah Palin's Reality Only Exists On TV

OMG America, did you hear the awesome, exciting, Earth-shattering news?? Sarah Louise Palin, the Sarah Louise Palin of the Snowy North, is "seriously considering" running for President of the world in 2012!?

WOOHOO!!!

Oh, and no need to wish her luck either because SarBear is simply positive she'll have no trouble beating that no-good Barack NObama has-been come election time. Mama Grizzly to the rescue!

We know this, of course, because sweet Sarah took a five minute break from her pre-scripted, faux reality teevee existence shrieking 'bout freedom while kayaking with feral Grizzly bears on a melting Alaskan ice glacier to go on a different teevee show, just so she could let Barbara Walters and the whole wide world know how, in in the deep, dark vast frozen Arctic nothingness that is her mind, she is confident she can unseat Barack Obama (from his throne) and return America to its glory days of war, bankruptcy and dumb white presidents with half a brain who suspiciously mispronounce alarmingly simple words.

Is Sarah Palin qualified to be president? Ummm, well, no, not really at all, except in the sense that she is technically, a human being born in the "United States," since the abandoned frozen meth lab known as her hometown Wasilla is still apparently part of America.

What Sarah is qualified to do, however, is appear on as many teevee shows, gossip blogs, Fox News programs, newspapers, and lamestream media outlets as is physically possible for an unemployed grifter with no actual skills to speak of except the unique ability to irritate just about everyone with a working pulse to cram into a single day.

Like Barbara Walters for instance:

"I'm looking at the lay of the land now, and ... trying to figure that out, if it's a good thing for the country, for the discourse, for my family, if it's a good thing," Palin said in an interview as part of Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People" of 2010.
Asked Walters: "If you ran for president, could you beat Barack Obama?"
"I believe so," Palin said.

For what it's worth, she also believes that refudiate is a word and Jesus created the world with a wink, "you betcha!" and single, powerful wave of his magic oil-coated miracle wand.

It could be that Sarah is simply confusing "running for president" with "starring in some dumb reality teevee show" when she expressed the belief that she, Sarah Louise could defeat Barack Hussein in anything, let alone an actual election, instead of, say, Nielsen sweeps week.

But would sweet Sarah really abandon her simple, snowbilly lifestyle and quit bein' free on her Alaskan teevee show to do something silly and unimportant like run for president? Because everyone knows, quit is not a word S.P. uses on Twitter, Facebook, or anywhere else she conducts her very substantive policy debates in 140 characters or less.

"I’m engaged in the internal deliberations candidly, and having that discussion with my family, because my family is the most important consideration here," Sarah said.

That's right. Sarah's decision to waste everyone's time running for (and losing!) the presidency is one that will be made by her family, the single most importantest thing in the world for her to parade around, exploit, dress in gorilla costume on primetime tv, and make even more moose piles of money off of, like a real American patriot.

But just in case Sarah isn't just spewing whatever nonsense pops into her vapid, petty mind so people will still pay attention to her, and is actually seriously contemplating a White House bid, perhaps we, the public, can help her decide whether her hypothetical candidacy for President is a "good thing" for "the country" (it's not), a good thing for "the discourse" (whatever that means, still, nope though), or a good thing for her "family" (eh, probably not good for them either, but seriously, who even knows what's best for Willow, Bristol and the other weirdly named Palin spawn at this point. Suicide? Exile? Chastity belts?).

All America needs to do to realize why this country needs Sarah Barracuda at its next President is to check out the new pages from her forthcoming memoir/abortion of the written word, America By Heart, leaked by the terrible, elitist arugula eating lamestream media, where Sarah proves her presidential worth by ranting against immoral, "self-esteem-enhanced but talent deprived" reality TV stars not named Bristol, while celebrating  former pregnant teenage sluts turned abstinence crusaders named Bristol, and of course, her favoritest thing in the world (other than herself!): not aborting special needs precious li'l miracles named Trig.

But sometimes undeserved fame and fortune can be sooooooo difficult!

"Let's just go back to Wasilla and stop feeding the media beast," Sarah imagines herself saying in her new picture book for patriots. "Let's give ourselves and our family a break."

Noooooooooo! Please, please Sarah! All of America, no, make that the world, is begging you, pleading with you to stay in the Godless Lower 48, so we can have the privilege of marveling at Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin's National Reality Teevee Fantasy Extravaganza in which America is the bestest, most freedom-lovingest, God-blessed nation ever to grace the face of the Earth that can smart-bomb all the gross, dirty Muslims our collective star 'n striped hearts desire.

Because you betcha Sarah will not be silenced!

She will continue goin' on teevee, fightin' for fetuses to get their very own not-at-all bizarre "I'm glad you're here" book dedications from their proud mothers congratulating these soon-to-be-birthed special needs miracles on earning the right to exit their mother's wombs so they too can be exploited for mama's personal and professional gain.

Because if it’s good Television, it’s good for America.

And even Sarah knows you can't spell America without "ME."