Thursday, October 28, 2010

Rand Paul's Headstomping Supporter Demands Apology For Some Scary Activist Lady's Head Falling Under His Innocent Shoe

Oh no-zees! Another day, another weird, disturbing scandal involving some new Teabagging nutjob or another using disproportionate force to stomp on activist ladies' heads, illegally arrest no-good journalists who dare ask so much as a single question, or dabble in witchcraft to wipe out the sinful scourge of self-pleasure across this great land.

This time the lucky winner is Kentucky's own Colonel of Crazy, Rand Paul, whose loyal band of Southern fried Aqua Buddha fascist freaks heroically prevented a very scary petite lady all of 5' from brutally attacking Sir Rand with a piece of paper before a debate against hippie-dippie, civil rights supportin' Democratic senate opponent Jack Conway, by bravely surrounding the woman, throwing her on the ground, on stomping on her no-good awful, terrible head. For freedom, of course!

According to the Louisville Courier Journal, “Lauren Valle of approached Paul and tried to give him an “employee of the month award” from Republicorp…a fake business MoveOn created to symbolize what it says is the merger of the GOP and business interests controlling political speech.”
Well there you have it! The woman was positively begging to have her head stomped, walking around with a wig and a sheet of poster board like some deranged menace to society, thirsting for the blood of everyone's favoritest freedom-fighting patriot & uncertified Ophthalmologist running for Senate.

Preferably by a burly 250 lb man named Tim Profitt (like, seriously??) who's also Rand Paul's "Bourbon County Coordinator" and personal bodyguard against scary poster-wielding MoveOn ladies.

“I was concerned about Rand’s safety,” Profitt said. “A friend of mine went up to three policeman before Rand got there, and told them about the girl who was standing there with that wig on and that she was getting ready to do something. The policemen looked at him and said that’s not our job.”

Ummmm, hellooooooo?? 

That, my friends, is a job for Rand Paul supporters who know stomping on people's heads is What Jesus Would Have Done if he saw a girl in a wig standing still looking like she might be getting ready to do something (like maybe say some meany comment?) to His sweet, sweet Senate candidate and favoritest teabagging racist from Kentucky, too!

But now that the lamestream liberal media has gone and made a big whoopdedoo about nothing, Tim Profitt feels just terrible about smashing his foot on some 23-year-old girl's head and neck, is "sorry that it came to that" and apologizes “if it appeared overly forceful.”

What?? Don't be silly! It's common knowledge that a foot to the head is actually the customary way Kentucky gentleman greet their lady friends at these sort of get-togethers. The li'l ladies down South simply go craaaaazy when their chivalrous, patriotic, strapping men folk violently slam them on the ground and square dance on their face as testament to their undying love and affection (of the WWF?).

Sometimes they even "get served with a criminal summons ordering him to appear before a Fayette County District Court Judge" just to see each other again, if only for a fleeting moment to lock eyes and laugh about the li'l "love" tussle over Mint Juleps, a variety bucket of the Colonel's Classic, and how many hard-earned bucks it takes to beat up a woman and send her to the hospital with a concussion and sprains.

But, in his defense, Profitt did say that the camera angle made the incident appear worse than it really was.

Not to mention, certainly didn't do any favors to a certain someone's waistline either!

But as is the traditional Southern way, when you, a full grown man stomps on a person's head, it should really be that person apologizing to you for their big dumb skull getting in the way of your innocent rubber sole.

After all, you didn't see Dick Cheney apologizing for shooting that one guy in the face, did you? Why, you most certainly did not! That's for pussies with hearts, not monsters with mechanized pump machines, you mortal fools!

Just ask Tim! “I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you,” he said.

Well, we would like you to be honest with us, Tim!

Go on?

“She’s a professional at what she does,” he added, “and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she was the one that initiated the whole thing.”

Awww, hells yeah! Just like the last floozy dumb enough to run her mouth off to the wrong mister Profitt. Or the other hapless bitch he simply had no choice but to date-rape before her.

Either way, he has a very good reason why he had to body slam this girl on the ground to assault her.
Profitt also blamed the incident on his back pain. Footage shows that Profitt stomped down on Lauren Valle’s head, neck and shoulder while she was being restrained by another man with her shoulder on the street and her head on the curb.
Oh, the poor, poor lady-beating fellow! Lord knows how hard it is for Teabaggers to actually heave their obese, Double Down saturated bodies off their motorized Socialist scooters so they can pin young librul ladies down against the ground and make it a fair fight.

Any 'bagger worth their weight in tea 'n testosterone knows that individual responsibility means that when someone stomps on your head, you take responsibility for it.

This makes perfect sense. Nobody question his explanation, because Liberty. Got it?

Meanwhile, Rand Paul’s campaign called the altercation “incredibly unfortunate” and expressed relief that the woman was not injured, in that she's still breathing and is not paralyzed from the neck down, wheelchair bound for the rest of her life.

That’s sweet of them. Those kind words from Rand Paul’s other Gestapo workers will heal whatever head, neck and shoulder wounds she has. Plus, maybe if we're really blessed, Sharron Angle will whip up one of her famous Lemon meringue/incestuous rape victims squares, Ayn Rand will come back from the dead to say an Objectivist prayer for her, and Christine O'Donnell can invoke one of her world-renowned get well soon spells, specially reserved for liberal victims of Libertarian head stompers.

Because the path to taking our country back (to the Stone Age?) is paved with blood, sweat, tears, and of course, the bashed heads of battered women.

Profitt & Paul: Teabaggers In Paradise

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Republican Congressional Hopeful Sean Bielat Knows Short Is The New Gay, So Speak Softly & Carry A Big (Measuring) Stick!

Republican congressional candidate Sean Bielat believes in two simple truths: the power of his own digitally crafted campaign ads of Barney Frank gay dancing across Massachusetts propelling him to certain election victory over that no-good, tax-lovin' liberal queer with a lisp, and his uncanny ability to apply simple logic to solve complex problems facing the nation, like say, what to do with those pesky gays and lezzies fighting so hard for the right to die for America like normal, decent straight men and women, who aren't just too damn attracted to the same sex to be able to honorably defend their nation's freedom by killing Muslims in parched foreign deserts in faraway lands.

"There's no absolute right to serve. Men under the height of 5 feet, 2 inches can't serve - I don't see anybody protesting. Where are the people standing in front of the White House, the short guys standing in front of the White House? You don't see it," Bielat said.

Ummm, that could be because they're all just too darn vertically challenged for the naked eye to actually see at all. But, I'm sure being the mental giant that he is, Bielat has an even better explanation.

"We understand that there's no absolute right to serve in all these other areas," Bielat said, apparently unaware of the massive crowd of five, not vertically, but mentally challenged Birthers protesting whatever it is obese white people protest (black presidents in their White House?) on the National Mall with Hitler signs.

What we don't see, however, is any petite li'l fellas handcuffing themselves to the White House in protest, because even they know well enough that they are too damn short and gross to participate in any warring activities like the rest of the convicted felons, high school dropouts, former drug addicts and honorable normal-sized American citizens openly serving their country as proud members of the U.S. Armed Forces.

So the moral of the story is: short people should be allowed to serve, just so long as they're not *openly* short. Just like gay people should be allowed to serve, so long as they're not *openly* gay.

You've heard of Don't Ask, Don't Tell? Well, this is more like Don't Ask, Don't Measure!

Hard to argue with airtight logic like that...

Errr, except for the tiny, insignificant fact that one group is physically limited in their ability to serve, while the other isn't so much physically limited as physically enjoys banging people of the same sex in their free time. Unless gay also means you have no arms, no legs, marbles instead of eyes, and are going straight to hell for having deviant sex with all the wrong penis-vagina ratios.

Or as the Boston Herald put it:
Hmm. ... On the other hand, vertically challenged people are not forced to pretend they're tall, then drummed out once it's discovered they're short in spite of their service record.
Then again, coming out as a wee li'l teeny-tiny, itty-bitty shrimp man or woman never had the whole "whoa, whoa, whoa, OMG REALLY??" factor.

Not to mention, big, flamboyant hair styles, secret boot lifts, extra thick heels, and vertical stripes never were the recommended methods for hiding your total gayness.

A much more sure-fire, effective way to pretend you're somebody you're not is simply to join the Republican Party.

No questions asked. Or, for that matter, answers given.

Because why Ask and Tell when you can just Lie and Yell?

Campaign for Equal Rights? Ha ha, more like the Campaign for Equal Heights!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Fox News Sued For Being Terrible, Racist Propaganda Peddlers, Aka Fox News

Fox News is a place where angry white men, unstable, born again recovering alcoholic/drug addicts turned gold hawking Mormon Messiahs, and washed up, bitter, fake blonde ex-Hooters waitresses go to make a quick buck blurting out whatever terrible, racist stuff about blacks, Arabs, Muslims, Mexicans, gays, women, Jews, gross poor people, that demon child NObama, elitist liberals, and anyone who isn't white, rich, and dumb as Doocy, as obnoxious and often as the constant 24-hour news cycle allows.

Which, as it turns out, is a lot! Because America's favoritest Fox News isn't just a place where people get paid 'n promoted for spewing hateful lies about minority misfits like dumb women who don't even dabble in witchcraft or spend their days convincing people not to touch the sinful place between their legs, or arugula-eating elitists whose brains function above special needs level.

It's also where a moderate black man with a Hispanic name can go to get fired from his day job as an actual reporter at a respectable news outlet for saying awful, bigoted stuff about Muslims, or say, the one black employee can get constantly harassed and discriminated against 'round the clock before suing the bejesus out of the company for everyone being racist assholes all around him, all the time.

Ooooh, sounds Foxy!
Harmeen Jones, a 32-year old Fox News technician (and token "black man") says he was fired from the network last year after complaining to Human Resources about the daily barrage of offensive remarks about anyone not perfectly snow white and Christian he endured while working at the most fair and balanced network in all the world, Fox News.

He's suing for $3 million, and claims he was even physically threatened by one employee, Damien Rodriguez, who got in his face and said, "I’m the reason you got hired, and if it wasn’t for me you’d be fired. You must think I’m a punk, we can take this to the streets."
Hmmm, is this because all black people are strong, scrappy types who settle their disputes the manly stud way, with two fists in the middle of a crowded intersection? Who knows? Could be, if Papa Bear says it is God damn it!

Here's a sample of some of the Fox News fun Jones had the distinct privilege of experiencing!
  • While watching footage from a Tea Party rally, one colleague allegedly opined, "This is what happens when you mess with white people's health care."
  • During the 2008 presidential campaign, Jones says two of his coworkers said they wouldn't feel comfortable having a black president. At that point one of men turned to him and allegedly asked, "Am I offending your blackness?"
  • Jones also claims that on another occasion he was told, "You look like a gangster" and "You look like you're ready to shoot someone."
Jones also says his co-workers pretended not to hear him when he made transmission requests, and that his superiors denied his requests for paid training, while giving other, less senior white employees paid training. And when he finally complained to Human Resources, his co-workers called him a "snitch" and he was promptly called by Steve Cary, the Director of Operations, who allegedly told him, "We gave you a chance and you repay us by making complaints to HR? You are terminated."

Hasta la vista, blacky!

Because over at Fox News, the only color that matters is $weet green, so long as you're not some uppity negro crying racism every time some white network exec discriminates against you because of said blackness. Buck up Junior! This isn't MSNBC.

You wanna play with the big boys you better start acting like one! That means brush up on your hatred, practice reciting the 101 reasons why everyone should be terrified of evil Muslims (that every Fox News employee receives in their welcome packet!), and for Christ's sake, figure out a way to cover up that hideous chocolatey skin color of yours before you make everyone uncomfortable with such obvious, in-your-face blackness. It's just downright rude!

I mean seriously, who does Fox News have to screw (over?) to find a nice colored fellow with the decency to at least act like a white man, or enough dignity to let everyone else feel comfortable in their own white supremacist skin, when going about their daily task scaring the bejesus out of America, as the most popular #1 news program and Jesus-blessed, race-baiting, terrorist organization ever to grace the face of God's once pure, once all-white, now worthless, minority-muddled brown Earth.

Cause who needs facts when you've got fear?

Faux News: All The News That's Fit To (Mis)print!

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Supremely Sordid Tale Of Justice Clarence Thomas, His Crazy Wife Ginni, & A 7 A.M. Phone Call No One In Their Right Mind Should Ever Make

Ooooh, A Supreme Love Triangle!

Hmmm, a word of advice to anyone whose spouse has been accused of sexual harassment, whether it is during their very contentious Supreme Court confirmation hearing or not: do not, I repeat, do not call the accuser out of the blue at 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning politely asking for an apology. I don't care if 20 years have passed since the vile woman (Anita Hill) accused your perfect hubby (Justice Clarence Thomas) of doing all sorts of weird, distasteful things with his pubes (eww, gross!) and a can of diet coke, or if you're still feeling a little bit salty about the whole thing because well, you just know your lovely man would never, ever do such vulgar, terrible things. Neverrrrrrr!

Still, this is never a good reason to leave a delightfully passive-aggressive voicemail nicely asking your hubby's former-aide-turned-accuser if she maybe felt like apologizing for being so darn sexy that sweet, darling, innocent Clarence had no choice but to constantly chat her up about breasts, porn, pubic hair and whatever other weird, distasteful things qualified as sexual harassment in the '80s.

So while Anita Hill was spending her Columbus Day Weekend doing whatever it is liberal Brandeis law professors do on their three-day weekends commemorating Christopher Columbus' discovery and subsequent destruction of America's indigenous cultures (light Shabbat candles?), Virginia "Ginni" Thomas was doing what real American patriots who run sketchy anti-Obama grassroots organizations do (other than rejoicing over said destruction of indigenous cultures!): heard the voice of Jesus Christ commanding her to dial up Anita Hill promptly at sunrise on Saturday and leave the following, not-at-all-bizarre, inappropriate message:
"Good morning Anita Hill, it’s Ginni Thomas. I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. So give it some thought. And certainly pray about this and hope that one day you will help us understand why you did what you did. O.K., have a good day."
Oh, Ginny! Didn't our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ teach you anything about randomly calling up the woman who two decades earlier accused your lovely hubby and now powerful Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, of being some weird sex fiend, asking her to apologize for your husband being a sick sexytime perv, and then having the sheer audacity to hope she enjoys the rest of her lovely day?

Did Anita Hill have a good day? Eh, probably not, unless you consider spending almost a week trying to decide whether the insane message was really left by Ginni Thomas or some teenage prankster from 4chan before forwarding it to the Brandeis campus police and letting the FBI deal with it, as some relaxing, all-expense paid spa vacation in a luxury tropical resort.

Cause Anita Hill doesn't. Maybe because this isn't the first time that ol' sparkplug Ginni Thomas has taken it upon herself to "reach out" to Miss Hill and demand a deep, heartfelt apology for her husband being such a hot, sexy stud that she simply could not resist his smooth, chocolatey charms all those years ago when she testified before Congress and shattered Ginni's Ambien-clouded, Tea-soaked world, where her husband wasn't some secret sex creep.

“Virginia Thomas and I have never met," Hill writes in her memoir, "and one can imagine that she is guided by her own romantic interest in her husband when she assumes that other women find him attractive as well.”

Awww, snap!

Oh, what, like the sight of a balding, massive 285lb, 62-year-old Uncle Tom nutjob in a robe doesn't make you start tingling all over, particularly in those sinful, private places Christine O'Donnell would never dare touch??

“I thought it was certainly inappropriate,” Ms. Hill said. “It came in at 7:30 a.m. on my office phone from somebody I didn’t know, and she is asking for an apology. It was not invited. There was no background for it.”

Well excuuuuuuse Ginny for not knowing she needed permission to extend such a nice, sweet, generous peacemaking gesture as a 7:00 o'clock weekend wake-up call demanding an apology for publicly admitting all the gross things Clarence Thomas subjected her to, like whispering sweet nothings into her ear about the naughty things he's gonna do to her on the bench with a gavel.

“I did place a call to Ms. Hill at her office extending an olive branch to her after all these years, in hopes that we could ultimately get past what happened so long ago,” she said. “That offer still stands. I would be very happy to meet and talk with her if she would be willing to do the same. Certainly no offense was ever intended.”

“I appreciate that no offense was intended, but she can’t ask for an apology without suggesting that I did something wrong, and that is offensive,” Hill said.

Not as offensive as the other no-good, lying whore Lillian McEwen, the latest wretched woman to come forth with terrible smears, conjured up tales about the sexual exploits of a certain Supremely handsome chocolately-hued Justice who she used to date and is probably just jealous that Ginni gets his hunky hot bod all to herself. That or she simply hates conservatives so much she is "stooping to the age-old blunt instrument of accusing a black man of sexual misconduct,” like Clarence is so fond of saying.

Sadly, Lillian McEwen did not get the chance to testify at ol' Clarey's confirmation hearings because although the two used to have a romantic relationship in addition to a work one, Clarence never even raped her or served her a chilled can of ice cold diet coke with a fresh sampling of his own Supreme pubes, like Anita, the lucky bitch!

But Lillian has is now breaking her 19-year silence because she is shopping a new memoir, debuting her new reality teevee show heard about that weird thing Ginni did to Anita, and well, it really rubbed ol' Lillian the wrong way. Unlike how Clarence used to rub her, of course!
“He was obsessed with porn,” she said of Thomas, who is now 63. “He would talk about what he had seen in magazines and films, if there was something worth noting.”
Ummm, gross?
“He was always actively watching the women he worked with to see if they could be potential partners,” McEwen said matter-of-factly. “It was a hobby of his.”

Thomas would also tell her about women he encountered at work. He was partial to women with large breasts, she said. In an instance at work, Thomas was so impressed that he asked one woman her bra size, McEwen recalled him telling her.
Whatever. So the dude's got a thing for all different color women with large breasts. I mean, like who doesn't? Besides Scalia, Alito and the whole "different color" part of course!
Another woman, Sukari Hardnett, who worked as a special assistant to Thomas in 1985 and 1986, wrote in a letter to the Judiciary Committee that "If you were young, black, female and reasonably attractive, you knew full well you were being inspected and auditioned as a female" by Thomas.
Better than being auditioned as some weird tranny, no? You should see what that sex freak Chief Justice Roberts makes 'em do!
McEwen recalls writing Thomas a short note before the confirmation hearings, curious about what she should say if she were quizzed about their relationship. She said Thomas preferred that she would take “the same attitude of his first wife,” who never talked publicly about their relationship.
Yes, when in doubt, always act like the first wife (not the one who makes bizarre, pre-dawn phone calls). Got it?
Through the years, McEwen said, she has remained reasonably friendly with Thomas. Still, McEwen, a Democrat, acknowledges growing increasingly irritated with Thomas's conservative jurisprudence and his penchant for casting himself as a victim in the Hill controversy.

But now, she says, "I know Clarence would not be happy with me. I have no hostility toward him," McEwen said. "It is just that he has manufactured a different reality over time. That's the problem that he has."
Other than that crazy cracker wife Ginni and a chronic habit of sexually harassing every big-breasted lady lucky enough to land on his big, black dick, errr, docket. Docket! I mean docket!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Will You Help Me Grow Some Balls & Fulfill My Promise Of Equality For All?

Look you gays, err guys, the Obama administration like totally wants to abolish that terrible, shameful, discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, 100% for sure without a doubt. They are like totes behind you on that one!

But, here's the thing. They are very particular when it comes to actually putting this horrible joke of a policy they are always telling us how much they hate to rest, and being the fuddyduddys that they are, can and will only bring an end to this intolerance in the nicest, most polite way possible, complete with a pretty pink ribbon to really tie the whole discrimination look together.

This is just how Barack rolls!

Because the important thing here isn't of course ending the disgraceful 17-year-old unconstitutional policy unfairly targeting a group of people simply because of their weird, deviant same-sexuality, but rather how it is ended. Am I right? Who's with me?

And this is why the Obama administration, being the civilized, refined ladies and gentleman that they are will not simply let DADT be overturned the fast and ballsy, down 'n dirty way, in the courts, because that is not nice and neat and pretty, and certainly not something befitting of such distinguished, upstanding pillars of the community.
The Justice Department is asking a federal appeals court to lift a moratorium on the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” by the end of today, once again arguing that the injunction jeopardizes an ongoing Pentagon review of how to end the ban on openly gay and lesbian service members. [...]

In court papers, the Justice Department said Phillips’s injunction “is at odds with basic principles of judicial restraint” because it blocks the Pentagon from enforcing the gay ban across the military and not just among members of the Log Cabin Republicans, the group that filed suit challenging the constitutionality of the law.
So just to get this straight (and we don't mean the good, military kind of straight), the Log Cabin REPUBLICANS are in favor of ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell now; the Obama administration is not. Hmmm, nothing weird here, no sir-ee!
The appeal for a stay of Phillips’s injunction is meant as a stop-gap while the Justice Department prepares to appeal the judge’s September ruling that “don’t ask” is unconstitutional. The government is appealing the law despite President Obama’s stated opposition to the 17-year gay ban. Obama has urged Congress to repeal the law through legislation.

"It happens every once in awhile at the federal level when the solicitor general, on behalf of the U.S., will confess error or decline to defend a law," said ex-George W. Bush administration solicitor general Ted Olson, who has renounced his formerly evil ways and is now leading the legal challenge of California's ban on same-sex marriage.

"I don't know what is going through the [Obama] administration's thought process on ‘don't ask, don't tell,'" Olson said. "It would be appropriate for them to say ‘the law has been deemed unconstitutional, we are not going to seek further review of that.'"

Yes, yes, civil rights, eventually. Justice for all, eh, maybe at some point. Awesome smart bombs dropped by gay soldiers, sure when the time is right. That is, when the whole world is ready to embrace their inner queer, join hands, and skip to my loo around the Pentagon, led by Carl Paladino in a rainbow colored speedo, riding atop his favorite Stallion from the hot girl-on-horse-flick he's always emailing, surrounded by all his ol' Buffalo boys from the gay nightclub he owned, flanked on both sides by the two hot chicks from his other favorite girl-on-girl lesbo porn, and of course the beautifully decorated "Teabaggers For Queers" float bringing up the rear.

But until then, I'm sorry gays and lezzies, it's too bad for you! You'll have to pardon their reluctance to rudely force equality and justice on those (bigots, fearmongers, black presidents?) unwilling to do it themselves.

Why, you ask??

Well, because they're a little gay. But not gay in the fluent in Arabic, bravely fighting side-by-side with your fellow soldiers defending your nation's freedom while secretly hiding who you are kind of way. Gay in the too scared and cowardly to do what's honorable and just, but instead letting this irrational, hypocritical fear of all things hopey-changey (including their own shadow!) triumph over the moral, right and good.

Because justice delayed isn't justice denied, it's justice deferred.

And what's more dignified than that? Certainly not cool missiles patriotically exploded or machine guns fired by bilingual fags instead of bipolar felons, at least until the Pentagon and Defense Dept. finishes trying on all its different outfits to figure out which camouflaged color combo is most flattering when blown to bits in the remote parched desert wilderness of the Afghan mountains!

"The whole point of the ongoing Pentagon study is how to repeal 'don't ask, don't tell'- as if we don't know how to do it," Aaron Belkin said, director of the Palm Center, a military think tank in California. "But look what happened last week? The military suspended it last week with no training and guess what? Nothing happened."

"You don't need to teach the troops how to interact with gays anymore than you need to train them how to deal with Jews," Belkin said. "People know how to behave with one another."

Of course they do, silly! But we're talking about gays, not people!

Besides, at least with Jews, we know what to expect: a weak-kneed, sniveling coward who may not squeeze a trigger, but won't hesitate to squeeze a buck or two out of any hapless schmuck unlucky enough to cross their path.

They gays, on the other hand, could be anyone and anywhere! You just never know what you're gonna get with that "kind." Except, most likely a college degree, highly specialized skills, good hygiene, and if all goes well & the Obama administration has their way, a dishonorable discharge and immediate dismissal from duty.

As nicely and politely as possible.

Because in America, at least when we discriminate, we do it with a wink, smile, and slap on the ol' behind (but not in a gross gay way or anything!).

It's called class.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Christine O'Donnell's Lack Of Knowledge On Anything Besides Masturbation & Meatballs Raises Questions About Her Ability To Function At All, Let Alone As Delaware's Actual Senator

Much like her past experience dabbling in witchcraft, crusading against the sin of self-pleasure, and pallin' around with Ronald McDonald 'n friends, Christine O'Donnell remained true to form while debating Democratic rival, and exasperated, smart guy foil, Chris Coons in their native Delaware, talking 'bout the need to teach creationism in school so America's children can have the necessary math and science skills to get jobs in the burgeoning Jesus is Magic industry.

But then old, bald man Coons went and dropped a bomb on the Wicked Witch of the East, Christine, saying creationism does not belong in public schools because of something called the Constitution, or whatever, which much to Christine's dismay, is not the same thing as the complete pocket-sized Wiccan handbook. Oopsies!

Well, Christine would like to know exactly “where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?” How's that for gotcha journalism!?
When Coons responded that the First Amendment bars Congress from making laws respecting the establishment of religion, O’Donnell interrupted to say, "The First Amendment does? ... So you're telling me that the separation of church and state, the phrase 'separation of church and state,' is in the First Amendment?"

Her comments, in a debate aired on radio station WDEL, generated a buzz in the audience.
“You actually audibly heard the crowd gasp,” Widener University political scientist Wesley Leckrone said after the debate, adding that it "raised questions about O’Donnell’s grasp of the Constitution."
Consider if you will, for a second, good sir, that those questions had already been both raised and answered. Perhaps we, the voters, have moved beyond the whole question-raising stage and into the actual "OMG, panic, this insane woman is really trying to be a senator" phase, no?

As if everyone was feeling just dandy about O'Donnell before this latest incident "raising" questions about Christine's capacity to do anything, except spend most of the 90s showcasing bad hairdos and pissing off various A, B, but mostly C-list celebrities on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect show, right?

Sure beats the last time Grand High Witch Christine raised not questions, but the recently departed, at a secret Wiccan ceremony in the back of an abandoned church lot on the outskirts of Wilmington.

Not to take anything away from Democrat Chris Coons, who managed to keep his cool, avoid falling under one of Christine's enchanting spells (think it's called stupidity), and offer clear, coherent responses on a variety of different constitutional questions. Nonetheless, it does help when your opponent knows less than the wooden table you're seated around.

And, unlike that non-masturbating trainwreck, Coons can, in fact, recite much of the Constitution by memory, which can be helpful when debating things other than, say who is frighteningly less qualified, SarBear or her Meatball-gobbling wiccan protege of the Arugula-eating East, Christine "No Hands" O'Donnell.

Answer: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo...

Anyway, so back to the debate, where Democrat Chris Coons only had to recite the First Amendment to prove that indeed religious freedom is established within it. But, O'Donnell still looked skeptical! In her defense, O'Donnell hadn't even heard of the Constitution (that is what it's called, right?) until just the other day when she was googling remedies for her terrible constipation woes (just awful!) and accidentally spelled it wrong! Guess it must be destiny!
Coons said that creationism, which he considers "a religious doctrine," should not be taught in public schools due to the Constitution's First Amendment. He argued that it explicitly enumerates the separation of church and state.

"The First Amendment does?" O'Donnell asked. "Let me just clarify: You're telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?"
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion," Coons responded, reciting from memory the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
"That's in the First Amendment...?" O'Donnell responded.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re telling me that’s in the First Amendment? The First Amendment to what? The Constitution? Of the United States of America? Does Jesus know about this?

Cause Christine always thought the darn thing began with the 2nd Amendment, and ended there too! It's all the other "crap" stuffed in between that she has trouble with. Maybe if they didn't make it so darn long, something nice 'n compact like the "Dummies Guide to Modern Witchcraft," we wouldn't be in this little pickle.
Also during the debate, O'Donnell stumbled when asked whether or not she would repeal the 14th, 16th, or 17th Amendments if elected.
"The 17th Amendment I would not repeal," she said, before asking the questioner to define the 14th and 16th amendments, adding: "I'm sorry, I didn't bring my Constitution with me."
Or her brain, for that matter. Luckily, the witch woman still has a few tricks up the ol' sleeve.

For instance, she didn't need to actually attend some hoity-toity elitist librul college like her arugula-eating opponent over here. She can simply pretend her college degree came from a real, accredited university (like Oxford or Yale?) instead of, say, her real framed diploma from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Clown College currently adorning her office wall.

Blasting her opponent for having the audacity to know that evolution is science, creationism a religious doctrine, and a beautiful angel doesn't die every time you touch that sinful place between your legs, Christine said, "Talk about imposing your beliefs on the local schools. You've just proved how little you know not just about constitutional law but about the theory of evolution."

Ha ha, monkey people!

"Perhaps they didn't teach you Constitutional law at Yale Divinity School."

Aww, snap! Score one for Christine! After all, she is you.

And since she is you, you her, and all of us, no one, everyone, even the Grand High Enchantress Christine herself, knows she is sooooooo not cut out for this whole Senator thing. Whoops!

But, hey, at least she got some good practice blurting out whatever crazy, asinine thing comes to mind (she already had the stupid part down pat!), for the next awesome, new adventure of old Christine (still, no rubbing/touching allowed!), her newest gig as the beautiful, brilliant, and most of all, bewitching Fox News host (of Hooters?), freedom, and sorcery, the world (of witchcraft?) has ever known.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

America's First Daughter Bristol Teaches Us All Valuable Lessons About Evolution & How To Simulate Sex And Still Not Win A Dance Show

The country's, no make that the world's best Mother, Sarah Palin of the Snowy North, took a break from her grueling schedule updating very important status messages on her favoritest Facebook to give an interview to some lamestream media outlet, Zap2it, or something, to let the whole world know how proud she is of her daughter Bristol for shimmy-shaking what her mama gave her like some some cheap whore on that teevee show, Dancing With The Gays or whatever.

"We're so excited for Bristol," Sarah Palin tells Zap2it. "This is so Bristol, challenging herself, getting out of her comfort zone. She had told us just a couple of weeks before the show started, she said, 'Mom, "Dancing With The Stars" just called me and asked if I wanted to be on the show.' I said, 'What did you tell them?' 'I told them I'm not a star, and I don't dance. Sure, I'll join the show.'

Oh, hahahaha! What a coinkidink! Sort of like SarBear and the whole politics thing!

Aww, what the hell, you know Bristol, always ready to try anything once, even if it means a precious li'l miracle of God to screw up and give some weirdo name to, like say...Tripp?

"What she did, she loaded up her truck, and she drove it from Wasilla, Alaska, to Rodeo Drive [in Beverly Hills, Calif.], parked it there. She's in a little apartment there, she and Tripp [her son, born in Dec. 2008], and one of my good friends is helping her with Tripp."

Ooooh, wait let me guess! Is his name Levi Johnston/Ricky Hollywood??

"She's having a ball," says her mother. "What she said -- and it's kind of a life lesson for all of us, I think -- she said, 'Mom, no matter what I do, I'm going to get criticized, so I might as well go dance.' I'm like, 'Right on, go dance.' She's having a ball."

Sure as hell beats getting knocked up by some man-whore in the back of Daddy's pickup!

"Bristol loves [fellow competitor] Florence Henderson, and she says she relates to Florence more than anybody else."

Of course, she relates to the 76-year-old star of the Brady Bunch! They're both very wise for their ages and know exactly what it's like to grow up in a family the size of a small militia. Not to mention the wrenching pain of losing a beloved spouse/baby daddy one-night stand, respectively.

"But she has not one complaint about anybody." (Well, except for that one bitch, Audrina!) "Everything is positive, and she's just amazed how helpful and kind and gracious everybody is. It's been really good for her."

So would doing anything, even slutting herself out on the nearest street corner if it meant getting the hell out of Wasilla and away from a certain overBEARing Mama Grizz.

Bristol, who celebrated her 20th birthday by grinding, thrusting, and letting loose all her and Levi's secret sexytime moves for her 5th (and likely last!) steamy appearance on the show, was met with some decidedly mixed results, including from her own world famous grizzly bear mother.

"It's just fine," says Sarah Palin, "for never having danced at all, in her life."

But you betcha Bristy sure has banged!

Good thing, li'l sis Auntie Piper has some advice for her big sis Brist!

"As Piper was listening to Bristol explain to me," says Sarah, "how difficult the steps were -- because a lot of these dances, we had never heard the name of the dances, much less knowing the steps of them -- Piper said, 'I know how you can learn those steps -- just write them on the palm of your hand.'

"I'm like, 'That's exactly what I would do!' I told Bristol she should do that for one of the songs."

OMG totes! Then they can both be like special needs twins everyone laughs at for being so retarded resourceful as to scribble cheat sheets on the palm of their hand, in plain sight for all the world to see, en route to bein' the bestest, most freest president of America, ever!

But that's not all! Truth of the matter is Dancing with the Stars really wanted hot, hunky househubby Todd as their new, sexy Alaskan exploit but had to make do with dumb, boring ol' Bristol instead. Or something like that. Point is, Todd was totally asked to be on the show first!
Asked about that, Palin says, "I know, that's what I heard. That's what Todd has heard, too, through the rumor mill, that they called Todd. Didn't they call you, Todd?"

In the background, he answers in the affirmative. "Yeah, they called Todd. Oh ..." she pauses to listen, "they contacted the governor's mansion, the manager there, to try to get to Todd to ask him."

As she boards the flight, Palin hands the phone to her husband, who says, "It was a good thing that I declined, otherwise we wouldn't be watching Bristol today. Because, after my performance, they would ban any other Palins."
Ugh, God damn it! If only the same rules applied to our nation's democracy!

Though on the bright side, at least the American people don't have to be deprived of witnessing the nation's future First Daughter and celebrity warning against too much teenage monkey business in the tool shed sans protection, Bristol Palin, first don, then strip out of a monkey suit, and into a hot pink tutu, all the while dancin' the jive (poorly) on primetime TV, and still manage to come out looking less ridiculous than every other time she's made a public appearance. Ever.

Either way, Christine O'Donnell is just grateful someone finally demonstrated the whole evolution thing in a way she could understand: in rhythm, rhyme, and gorilla costume.

Evolution in 30 seconds. Boy, that Jesus sure can do anything!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Joe Miller Loves Freedom So Much, He'll Take Away Yours Just For Asking Too Many Meany Questions

If you are a no-good, arugula-eating, non-mammal killing journylist in the Great State of Alaska and maybe wanna ask the actual Republican running for U.S. Senate, Joe 'Grizzly Beard' Miller, a question or two after a town hall meeting at an Anchorage middle school, consider yourself forewarned, my friend!

"We've drawn a line in the sand. You can ask me about background, you can ask me about personal issues -- I'm not going to answer," Miller said.

So there!

"We are calling upon all responsible members of the media (like Fox News?) to focus on the issues, the legitimate issues (Obama's birth origins?) and not repeat basically the lies and innuendos, not repeat the clear violations of law (that I, Joe Miller, committed) but to focus on the issues at hand. Now I'll admit, and I've said this before, I'm a man of flaws (no freakin' way!), there's no question about it. (Hey watch it, mister, we don't say the "Q" word here!) You know, I wasn't born with a silver spoon, I haven't been born wealthy," he said.

Duh! Why else would he and his wife be suffering from the "entitlement mentality" he's always shrieking about, and secretly receiving the very state and federal subsidies and/or low-income medical benefits he's hates so much for his large, strapping family of eight children if he was some rich librul elitist instead of some rich rightwing hypocrite who looks like a homeless person?

Nevermind don't answer that!

Unless, of course, you too want to get handcuffed and detained by the large, similarly hairy, flannel-clad behemoths who comprise Joe's security detail, and keep their beloved, boot-wearing Paul Bunyan-esque Tea Party candidate safe from scary journalists, nosing around about his "personal background," racking up a whole bunch of credit card debt and reneging on student loans at hoity toity elitist librul Ivy League schools like Yale, instead of real 'merican institutions like Wasilla Community College.

The same scruffy faced Ivy League-educated Teabag lawyer and possible Brawny paper towel spokesman, Joe Miller, who defeated washed up, old hag incumbent Lisa Murkowski in the Republican primary, invited a bunch of fellow friends and freedom-lovers on his favoritest Facebook and Twitter to join him at a town hall meeting to debate the issues, before suddenly deciding he doesn't care much for this whole freedom of speech, question' askin' tomfoolery, so kindly scram before Joe gets really angry and goes full-out Todd Palin on your behinds.

That's right, folks! Mama Grizz Sarah Palin and her faithful hubby Todd aren't the only Alaska Republican with slight-to-severe anger & overreaction problems!

Just ask Tony Hopfinger, founder and editor of news website Alaska Dispatch who found himself pinned face-first against a wall, handcuffed, and placed "under arrest" by Joe Miller's roving gang of black-suit wearing security guards protecting their Tea Boss Joe against meany reporters and their probing inquiries of his past misdeeds. Or at least until real police officers showed up and told the guards to release him because as far as they're concerned, it is still legal in Alaska to ask senate candidates questions other than what they ate for brunch last Saturday.

Well Joe Miller certainly doesn't think so! He knows the dirty culprit Tony Hopfinger, editor of the evil Alaska Dispatch Internet website, deserved to be arrested by fake officers of the law/real paid employees of Miller's campaign for committing high treason. In other words, asking a question poor ol' Joe didn't much like. How's that for gotcha journalism?
Tony Hopfinger was handcuffed by [Miller's private security] guards and detained in a hallway at Central Middle School until Anchorage police came and told the guards to release Hopfinger.

Hopfinger, who was holding a small video camera, said he was attempting to draw out a statement from Miller on why he was disciplined by the Fairbanks North Star Borough when Miller worked there as a part-time attorney.

After Miller walked away, Hopfinger said, Miller’s security team pushed him and he pushed back because he felt his personal space was being invaded. He says guards detained him and accused him of trespassing, although the town hall was a public event held at Central Middle School, a public building.
“The Dispatch reporter repeatedly pushed a camera into the face of Mr. Miller,” Miller's security guard William Fulton said. “He continued to aggressively pursue him. I told the reporter several times that he needed to stop and that he was trespassing, he ignored me. He then proceeded to stalk Mr. Miller and even shoved an individual into a locker. Based upon this trespass and his assault, we detained him and escorted him from the premises.”

You go, Joe!

Of course a simple “no comment” usually does the trick, but not for figthin' Joe Miller, who apparently much prefers to handcuff and faux arrest citizens instead. It's waaaaay more fun and exciting, albeit potentially embarrassing, though Joe's never seemed to have a problem with that before. He did get endorsed by Sarah Palin, after all!

In a statement on the incident Sunday evening, Miller said Hopfinger appeared irrational, angry and potentially violent. You mean he pulled a Palin??

“While I've gotten used to the blog Alaska Dispatch's assault on me and my family, I never thought that it would lead to a physical assault,” Miller said. “It's too bad that this blogger would take advantage of a ‘Town Hall’ meeting to create a publicity stunt just two weeks before the election.”

Yes, how dare this insidious blogger take advantage of an all-inclusive Town Hall meeting to create a publicity stunt about how this one psycho Teabagger for Senate (no one ever heard of before two months ago) refuses to answer any press questions about his weirdo personal or professional background, but will not hesitate to arrest any dumb sad sack media schlub who speaks such blasphemy just two weeks before the election!?

When will this rude, nosy, no-life blogger learn it is not the place of journalists to ask their little-known political candidates to disclose the truth about the various quasi-legal undertakings of their shady past, like say back in 2008 when they were not-at-all-sketchily fired from their part time job as city attorney for Fairbanks North Star Borough for inappropriately using government property to unseat the state GOP party chairman?? I mean, ugh, the nerve!

This is not what good upstanding Joe Miller citizens do! Sure, feel free to ask the man what his favorite color is (umm, white?), his preferred caliber hunting rifle (.338 Winchester Magnum, 24" barrel, 2-6x scope), or even his favoritest blend of delicious, refreshing herbal Tea (anything but black!). These are all well and good and Joe would be more than happy to answer each 'n every one of 'em. 

When will the stupid lamestream media get it through their thick skulls that Joe Miller does not want nor will tolerate being treated like an an actual candidate for U.S. Senate who has to answer questions about not just their past, but their present, future, and all other relevant information relating to their 43 years of existence on Earth?

Does his flannel shirt, lumberjack beard, and long, sketchy history of debt-ridden scandals and abuses of power not tell you everything you need to know??

For Christ's sake, the man enjoys his hotcakes thick, fluffy, stacked sky high, and drenched in sweet syrup, believes in the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, hates gubmint, loves freedom, (except the annoying press kind), adores Alaska, save for that awful Murkowski lady, and is just like you!

Sans the legal/professional woes, serial killer beard, whole 'living in Alaska' thing, and of course deep gratitude to El Barracuda herself, Sarah Louise Palin, for putting a no-name hothead who loves federal benefits and facial hair but simply can't stand bastard reporters' pryin' questions, on the political map.

But on the bright side, at least Joe Miller's campaign is staying on message: "I am an asshole & you will be arrested."

Now shut your stinkin' trap, mind your own darn business, go vote for Joe, and maybe, just maybe, the wondrous state of Alaska can be big enough for Joe and those who don't enjoy steel cuffs locked around their bruised, swollen wrists by some freaky nobody senate candidate's crazed, overzealous, Gestapo campaign staff.

Isn't freedom the bestest???

Hmmm, what's that you say? "No comment?" Wise choice, pal.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Too Bad For Christine O'Donnell (But Good For The Rest Of Us!) The Wicked Witch Of Delaware Couldn't Cast A Spell Making Her Own Dumb, Idiot Self Disappear

Christine O'Donnell is not a witch (maybe). She's you! If you too happen to be an unstable, crazy D-list airhead who, instead of masturbating like some deviant whore, spends your ample spare time blurting out as many outrageously dumb, offensive things to piss off as many A, B & C-list celebrities as is humanly wiccanly possible on nationally televised shows like Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher that don't go poof! when you wiggle your nose

I mean seriously, who among us hasn't spent most of the 90s enraging Ben Affleck and/or Danny Bonaduce with a hairdo so hideous the only solution for distracting a person from having to look at this eyesore mop is the continuous stream of asinine bullshit coming out of their equally dumb, hideous mouth??


I, for one, cannot even count on both hands, the number of times I've gotten into screaming matches with Jimmy Kimmel, Sisqó or made Al Franken so vein-poppin' mad that they came thisclose to physically slapping the dumb smirk right off my stupid face!

In fact, I don't even think a person has truly lived until the very sight of their face is enough to invoke automatic gag reflexes in anyone within a 30-foot radius. Fortunately, Christine understands this. So well in fact that she's basically mastered the art of repelling every other carbon-based, oxygen breathing specimen without even so much as casting a single spell from her handy pocket-sized Wiccan handbook of incantations, given to her as a gift from Delaware's high witch of the underworld.

All Christine has to do is open that sweet mouth of hers, part those two perfectly shaded lips (like Moses!) and let the organic human repellent known as her retarded beliefs or whatever demented words that tiny little brain thinks of now, do the rest. Almost like magic!

Some of Miss O'Donnell's highlights lowlights:
  • "She says that every time on this show, that condoms wouldn't protect you," says Maher. "Well no one else is saying it," says O'Donnell. "That's because no one else is nuts like you," says Maher. Point, Maher.
  • "I'm going nuts with you people," an exasperated future-Senator Al Franken proclaims. And this coming from a man who isn't afraid to don a diaper and bunny ears in the name of comedy!
  • "When men go into these strip joints, and testosterone is pouring out the eyeballs, what do you think they're gonna do?" asks O'Donnell. Oh, so that's where babies come from?? Silly me, I always thought it was the magic Jesus stork!
  • "You have to tell me about the ex-homosexuals," author Clive Barker asked O'Donnell.
  • "If she says Jews for Jesus, I'm gonna hit her," says magician Penn Jillet. Ooooh, please say Jews for Jesus, please say Jews for Jesus!
  • "I'm begging you stop for one second," says Affleck. "Ten more seconds to make my point," O'Donnell says. "I'm begging you, I just want to ask you one question," Affleck says. "Yeah, get on your knees," says O'Donnell. "She says she didn't like sex, but..." says Affleck, who then had to restrain himself from smacking the witch, oops, make that the bitch, straight across the face. Here's the thing Christine, you can't both be against sex, while at the same eye-fucking every good-looking guy thisclose to spitting on your dumb face, courtesy of your idiot antics.
  • "You would look amazing in a black bathing suit," comedian Steven Wright tells O'Donnell. Even better in a black cloak, pointy black hat, black f*ck-me boots, & of course, the obligatory pentagram necklace and/or vial of virgin blood.
  • "Are you for anything fun?" asks Bonaduce. "Yes, I am for having fun!" says O'Donnell.
Oh hahahaha! Of course, Christine is all for having fun! But not the fun your sick, twisted, impure, non-witchcraft dabbling self is used to having, like say the kind that involves friends, alcohol, evil coitus, and any type of sinful private-part rubbing.

Or, for that matter, any other immoral, non-O'Donnell sanctioned activity that doesn't involve a bubbling black cauldron, a dozen live newts (or just one of the horrible Gingrich variety!), and/or a whole coven of anti-masturbation misfits who know the path to enlightenment is paved with sexual suppression, Jesus Christ, one part bat whiskers, two parts mummified toenails, a cup of black cat fat, two teaspoons of vampire blood, a pinch of gargoyle sweat, a handful of troll teeth, three cups broom sweepings, and a dash of Lizard gizzards.

Bleeding (liberal) heart, optional.

C'mon, Does This Look Like The Face Of A Crazy Witch To You?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Sarah Palin's Alaska: All The Flippin' Fun & Freedom You Could Cram Into 663,268 Sq. Miles Of Frozen Arctic Nothingness

"This is flippin' fun! I'd rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office. I'd rather be out here bein' free!" -- Sarah Palin, Mother Of All Grizzlies Everywhere

Hear that America? Sarah Louise Barracuda Mama Grizzly Palin has big plans, BIG PLANS, to soon become President Empress of God's America, because, well, there's only so many moose piles of money to be made frolicking with Li'l Trigger in snowshoes on the basic cable channel for out-of-work Americans curious about what it's like to be a lonely dwarf in a normal-sized world, or a newly abandoned single parent tasked with raising a litter of 25 bratty kids, the Discovery Channel Learning Channel, or whatever.

But until our beloved squall from the Snowy North drifts in along the Arctic current to take the actual oath of office as President of Jesus' America, Sarah Palin has agreed to squeeze a couple more mil from her favoritest place, Hollywood, for the privilege of giving the nation the once-in-a-lifetime chance to see the great State of Alaska through the wondrous, pristine, snow white eyes of Shakespearean scholar, world-famous moose hunter, and living legend, St. Sarah, America's most cherished national treasure, right after the endangered Grey Wolf, Sockeye Salmon, and Kodiak Bear.

That's right nation! Barring some unforeseen circumstances where, say, Sarah decides to treat her latest employment like every other job (including that last dumb Governor gig!), and ups and quits halfway through the series, freedumb-loving 'mericans from oil-soaked coast-to-coast will be able to see sweet Sarah shine for eight whole exciting episodes of reality-teevee idiot antics.


Now, the all the free world ('cept gross Muslims, and those living in bustling towns with pop. less than 500) can tune in while Sarah introduces other unemployed illiterates to the best (and only!) state she knows anything about, in terms of it being the only state freakin' cold enough to collectively freeze the brain of its citizenry long enough to actually elect someone like Sarah as its leader, along with all the other amazing things a person can do while living in the Final Frontier, like make precious, li'l miracles of God in the back of Todd's pickup, field dress freshly shot mammals (no, no, Levi doesn't show up until the finale, silly!), and take a tour through SarBear's ol' stomping grounds, like the abandoned meth factory and used tire lot she once called home, wondrous Wasilla!

But lest you think this is some arugula-eating elitist librul show full of hoity toity indoor activities like readin',  writin', or even thinkin', remember this is Mama Bear's Alaska, we're talking about!

A reality show about a woman who has not the slightest grip on reality!

That means check your brain at the door and gear up for plenty of action-packed adventures, skiing, snowshoeing, four-wheeling, fishing, watchin' grizzly cubs fightin', enduring SarBear's signature, avalanche-inducing shrieks 'bout tranquility & bein' free, and of course, Mama Bear Sarah's sage parenting wisdom "No boys go upstairs!"

That's right! You heard the woman, if you want to have bad drunken teenage sex and get knocked up like your big sis Bristy, you know the rules!

It's either the old shed out back or on primetime television on a major network like ABC, "Thrusting with the Stars" or something, as is befitting of a future first daughter not some abstinence-crusading cock tease in sequins and stilettos who already has one lil miracle of God under her chastity belt.

Not that it matters anyway since Sarah just wants to have flippin' fun bein' free: "I'd rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office."

Your wish is our command! Oh, you betcha!

Now if you'll be a dear and sign along the dotted line. Or just growl. Either one, really!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Crazy, Racist Homophobic Tea Monster Carl Paladino Is Sorry For Offending Everyone With A Pulse, Even Freak Gays Or Weirdos Who Don't Enjoy Animal/Human Porn

Notorious New York hell monster Carl Paladino enjoys indulging in a few of life's simpler pleasures: sending mindblowingly offensive, racist emails about Barry NObama (lol, negro president!), hot girl-on-horse porno videos, beating up no-good, prying reporters askin' too many questions (maybe after he's governor, he'll answer your stinkin' questions!), and saying whatever terrible, vulgar, repulsive thing that happens to float into his slightly impaired, small, petty mind now.

Under normal circumstances, crazy ol' Carl would be able to say and do as many horrible things as his sweet li'l heart desires, without having to worry about apologizing to all those offended by his latest email forward of Obama with a bone through his nose eating watermelon or speech telling a bunch of Orthodox Jews how he thinks gross homosexuals are as bad as the terrible Muslims, minus the whole Pride Parade rubbing against each other in tight black speedos thing or whatever.

But now that he isn't just some dumb, queer bashing obnoxious New York schmuck nobody cares about, but the actual Republican gubernatorial candidate schmuck everybody loves to make fun of, Carl seems to be running into the problem of opening his big fat mouth when anyone is listening, let alone 20,000 cameras watching his every move. And when stupidity meets publicity, it is a recipe for disaster of epic Carl Paladino proportions.
An online news outlet in New York state has obtained dozens of emails, many of them racist and sexually graphic, which it reports were sent by Carl Paladino, the Tea-Party-backed Republican candidate for governor of New York, to a long list of political and business associates. One email shows a video of an African tribal dance, entitled “Obama Inauguration Rehearsal,” while another depicts hardcore bestiality.
Too bad it wasn't something more romantic like say softcore bestiality where the horse at least makes out with the woman before banging the bejesus out of her with his huge Paladino Palamino cock.

Because in Carl's bizarro, freaky world, some things are still sacred. Like sex with horses. This is a good and wholesome thing. Sex with people, on the other hand, is bad. Well, actually, sex with people is okay too, but only when it is one man plus one woman who is not your wife that you end up getting pregnant and then keeping the secret love child hidden for ten years. This too is a-okay!
What is not, however, as savory as sluts banging Shetlands, is of course sinful sodomites, particularly those with the disco balls big enough to flaunt their homosinuality up 'n down the once-pure, decent streets of New York City in some sort of terrible, twisted testosterone and testicle tranny parade, unfit for anyone's eyes, least of all, the innocent oculars of one distinguished gentleman, a certain Mr. Carl Paladino. Especially when talkin' to his good pals, them crazy Yids with the braids and the hats who hate fegalas, schvartze, and A-rabs too!
"I didn't march in the Gay Pride parade this year. My opponent did. There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual. That's not how God created us, and that's not the example that we should be showing our children - and certainly not in our schools," Paladino said.

"Young children should not be exposed to that at a young age. They don't understand, it's a very difficult thing," said Mr. Paladino. "And exposing them to homosexuality, especially at a gay pride parade - and I don't know if you have ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other and it's just a terrible thing."
A terrible, terrible thing I just can't, for the love of God, get out of my head for even one second. Not a single second goes by where I, Carl Paladino, am not obsessing over sweaty gay men laughing, thrusting, and gyrating on each other, muscles and genitalia bulging every which way, whispering Carl, Carl Carl...

Ayyyyyy fuggedaboutit! He's freakin' Carl Paladino, not some pussy faggot like yous freaks.
"I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don't want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option - it isn't."

Soz, I went ahead and got me two families to prove my God-blessed heterosexuality!

But that's not alllllllll!

So long as their money's still green and credit card's plastic, Paladino over here is still more than happy to make a quick buck off the queer freaks as Buffalo's gay club kingpin and personal landlord to all bar-hopping boy-seeking-boy types! He's no bigoted homophobe!
New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who doesn't care for those Speedo-wearing gays and their gyrating, actually used to rent space to two gay nightclubs in Buffalo. His son even ran one, Cobalt, Buffalo's onetime "gay club of the moment."
Carl Paladino freakin' loves the gays, got it?

And all those awful anti-gays things he's been saying to Brooklyn Super Jews and former Hooters waitress on Fox News? Well, he didn't mean any of it, really.

Of course he didn't mean "gays were lesser human beings" because they're gross and God hates them or anything, but simply that homosexuality is not an "equally valid and successful option" because of all the discrimination gay people face, especially from vulgar Teabagger pricks desperate to pick up the racist/homophobe/beastiality vote.

He sensitizes with the sick freaks, hell even his own nephew is one of them speedo-wearing, hip grinding deviants, and you don't see Carl marching over to his house, trying to smack some heterosexual sense into the poor bastard!
I am Carl Paladino, a father, a husband, a builder and a business owner. I am neither perfect, nor a career politician. I have made mistakes in this campaign - I have made mistakes all my life- as we all have. I am what I am - a simple man who works hard, trusts others, and loves his family and fears for the future of our State...
My personal beliefs are:
1) I am a live and let live person.
2) I am 100% against discrimination of any group. I oppose discrimination of any kind in housing, credit, insurance benefits or visitation.
3) I am 100% against hate crimes in any form.
4) I am in support of civil agreements and equal rights for all citizens.
5) My position on marriage is based on my personal views. I have the same position on this issue as President Barrack Obama. I have previously stated I would support a referendum by New York voters. I have proposed Initiative and Referendum so New Yorkers can decide important issues like this.
6) The portrayal of me as anti-gay is inconsistent with my lifelong beliefs and actions and my prior history as an father, employer and friend to many in the gay and lesbian community.
I am concerned with the future for all our citizens, gay, straight, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish and Muslim and Agnostic. If elected as your governor I will stand and fight for all gay New Yorkers rights...Please go to my website to learn more detail about the issues including my staunch support for civil rights for all New Yorkers.
Including the right to view all the horse-on-chick porn your puritan heart desires. So the moral of the story is this: Gays, meet your new best friend and fiercest defender Carl PaladinObama.

Countdown 'til Carl Paladino comes skipping out of the closet in a tight black speedo, stiletto heels, and hot pink boa singing RuPaul's "You Better Work" a cappella, snapping his fingers fiercely across his body and blowing air kisses every which way, 3...2...1...NOW!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Breaking News: White House Appeals Don't Ask, Don't Tell Because Who Needs Hope & Change When You Can Have Fear & Injustice Instead?


Gay soldiers don't die, silly, they simply deny!

This just in: President Obama is too pussy to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell, a policy he thinks is morally reprehensible, constitutionally illegal, and a mockery of justice and equality, but is simply too in love with to be able to quit anyway.

Ummm, hooray??

So, rejoice gays! Even, your supposed biggest defender, the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, hates your repulsive, gross gay guts.

So much so that he won't even let you spill yours all over the battlefield because of it!
The Obama administration took legal action Thursday to stop a judge’s order striking down the Pentagon’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy prohibiting gays from openly serving in the military — a politically awkward move that effectively continues the Justice Department’s fight to preserve a policy that President Barack Obama has said he wants to dismantle
In its injunction request, the DOJ writes, "As the President has stated previously, the Administration does not support the DADT statute as a matter of policy and strongly supports its repeal. However, the Department of Justice has long followed the practice of defending federal statutes as long as reasonable arguments can be made in support of their constitutionality, even if the Administration disagrees with a particular statute as a policy matter, as it does here."

All the while, White House Press Secretary and discriminatory policy procrastinator extraordinaire Robert Gibbs continued to insist that "don't ask, don't tell" is "going to end" -- it's just a matter of how.

Ooooh, hopefully in the most painfully slow, ass backwards, infuriatingly illogical manner possible. Multiplied by infinity.

So far, so good?

Gettin Jiggy Wit It: Big Pimpin' Mark Kirk Won't Let Dem Crazy Coloreds "Jigger" With His Pure, White Senate Election!

Everyone makes mistakes, Mark Kirk just makes a lot of them. Usually, at the absolute worst time possible. Like, say, two weeks before Senate elections, bad timing!

For the most part, Mr. Kirk has managed to keep his lies, distortions, exaggerations, and various f**k-ups out of the prying public eye, save for a few concocted claims about oh, I don't know, winning the Navy’s exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award (he didn't!), being a nursery care school teacher (he wasn't!), masquerading as a strapping, heterosexual man (he isn't!), all to stay competitive, locked neck & neck, packed tight (ooooh, just the way he likes it!) with sexy, smooth Democratic challenger Alexi Giannoulias.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mark's Grand Old Penchant for being a no-good hypocrite, getting caught saying and/or doing terrible things, rears its ugly head, once again showing his true colors: WHITE! and threatening to derail Mr. Kirk's hopes of earning the distinct privilege of screwing over as many dumb, poor people as possible as the nation's new esteemed Republican senator from Illinois. Hooray!

In a secretly recorded (D'Oh!) phone conversation with various state GOP big shots, the always lovely Mark Kirk told state Republican leaders last week about his freakin' golden plan (eat it Blago!) to send "lawyers and other people to vulnerable precincts...where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

The "other side" of course referring to those unsavory characters who inhabit the "vulnerable precincts of Rockford, Metro East, and South and West Chicago," or as Mark Kirk likes to call 'em, scary people with black skin. Ya know, the kind of predominantly African-American neighborhoods where those dark, menacing forces in the form of minorities who aren't pure snow white, "might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

Jigga what? Jigga who?

Who knew that in addition to heroically trying to prevent voter fraud (by making it more difficult to cast ballots and suppressing minority voter turnout), Mark Kirk was also such a huge Jay-Z fan??  I personally had him pegged as more of a Vanilla Ice guy, but hey, guess the man is just full of surprises, right?

Big Pimpin' Kirk. He certainly's got 99 problems, but we all know a b*tch ain't one!

Of course, Mark's fabulous plan to send a bunch of suited-up Republican lawyers to question/harass the credentials of voters on Chicago's south side is in no way racist or anything, but simply a nice, Teabagger way of ensuring elections in this country are glistening clean, spotless, and 100 percent jigger-free.

At least someone has the basketballs big enough to stand up against the terrible widespread problem of voter fraud wingnuts are always shrieking about when not ranting about how The Gays, Muslims, and Blacky NObama are destroying America, despite the so-called Justice Department's finding virtually no evidence of any organized effort to skew federal elections.

But it must be true if Fox News says it is, right? Something about ACORN (or was it squirrels?) stealing all our votes in some menacing liberal plot to take over the world, one poor, disenfranchised neighborhood at a time.

So, ummm, a word of advice to Mark Kirk: unless you want your problems to keep getting bigger, or are brushing up your skills for your next gig as the state's best ditch digger, when trying to suppress minority votes via the big, bad BLACK vote rigger, it is probably best to avoid the word jigger, or any word ending in -igger for that matter, ya figure?

Unless you want people thinking the three K's in your name, MarK KirK, are no coincidence at all, and instead start jiggering around the letters until they get to a more appropriate name for a crazy cracker, like say, Mark KirKKK.

Hehe snigger!

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Black Man Stealing My Election!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Aside From Filthy Jews, Who Wouldn't Vote For Ohio's New "Young Gun" Republican Candidate & Weekend Nazi Impersonator, Rich Iott?

All Heil Führer Rich Iott, second from left, in Fine Nazi SS Waffen Form!

The one thing really missing from this year's bumper crop of insane Republican/Teabagger candidates, trying desperately to become part of the big bad gubmint they're always shrieking about, is of course, a good, old-fashioned, Tea-approved, Grand Old Party nominee, personally selected as one of lone Jewish Republican Eric Cantor's rising stars or "Young Guns" as he likes to call 'em, who also enjoys dressing up like an actual Nazi Waffen SS soldier and playing fun Axis Invasion Games in the woods around his native Ohio in his spare time.

Not anymore, my friends, not anymore! The Nazi drought is officially over! Meet your newest, favoritest, wingnuttiest Teabagging make-believe Nazi candidate, and future congressman (in Lederhosen!), the honorable Rich Iott from Ohio. A real charmer!

And like most other middle-aged Christian white men who spend their weekends donning combat boots, polishing their swastikas, and reenacting actual military scenes of various high-ranking Nazi divisions, Rich Iott's innocent dabbling in harmless Nazi fun is simply because he loves history, that's all! The lovable ol' history buff just can't get enough of it!
Iott, whose district lies in Northwest Ohio, was involved with a group that calls itself Wiking, whose members are devoted to re-enacting the exploits of an actual Nazi division, the 5th SS Panzer Division Wiking.

When contacted by The Atlantic, Iott confirmed his involvement with the group over a number of years, but said his interest in Nazi Germany was historical and he does not subscribe to the tenets of Nazism. "No, absolutely not," he said. "In fact, there's a disclaimer on the [Wiking] website. And you'll find that on almost any reenactment website. It's purely historical interest in World War II."
Whatever you say, Hitler. We totally understand!
Iott, a member of the Ohio Military Reserve, added, "I've always been fascinated by the fact that here was a relatively small country that from a strictly military point of view accomplished incredible things. I mean, they took over most of Europe and Russia, and it really took the combined effort of the free world to defeat them. From a purely historical military point of view, that's incredible."
It is incredible isn't it?? I mean just imagine what the fearless, heroic Nazis could have accomplished if those n'er do well Allies had kept their pesky, free-world noses to their own Jew-loving selves, and out of important German business!

How can you not marvel at all the amazing things a country can do when fueled by the brutal slave labor of annexed foes and the calculated, militarized mass murder of the European continent's entire Jewish population??

I, for one, am tempted to lace up my knee high, patent leather combat boots, polish my SS insignia, magic marker on my own adorable, signature Hitler 'stash, throw on my mint condition, authentic Reichsführer-SS armband, and start huntin' Jews myself, right now, out of sheer admiration for the Nazi's go-getter attitude, incomparable passion, and tactical military brilliance!

But for some gay reason, not everyone is as excited that the congressional candidate they endorsed moonlights as one of Hitler's notorious Nazi SS henchman every weekend in the woods of suburban Ohio.

Which is odd because I always thought Republicans loved when their hand-picked, up 'n coming Representatives wax poetic about Nazis, Hitler, the mass extermination of Jews, etc, but I guess that's only acceptable when referring to President Obama. Apparently, all other Nazi affiliations are a big NEIN, NEIN!

Who woulda thunk it?

It only took one day for Eric Cantor to enact his own Final Solution and scrub this rising star Nazi candidate from his awe-inspiring "Young Guns" group of 40-and 50-something GOP creeps and freaks hand-chosen by Heir Cantor to be the sexy, new face of the Republican Party.
Until last night, the GOP included the candidate, Rich Iott, on a list of promising potential members called Contenders — a notch below their so-called Young Guns. Now he’s gone, without a trace.
You can get away with a lot in conservative politics these days, but it turns out spending your weekends dressed as a Nazi, celebrating the brave Waffen 5th SS Panzer Division is still a bridge too far.
Ugh, typical elitists! Running scared just because their personally groomed, hand-selected Republican candidate happens to a have a secret li'l habit of dressing up like his favoritest Führer every Friday-Sunday.
"I think that Representative Cantor did what so many career politicians do," Rich Iott said. "He reacted before he had all the facts. He didn't know the whole story. He didn't understand what historical reenacting is all about, or the education side of it. And he just made a decision without all the facts. My opponent here is cut out of the same cloth. Those are the people who passed the health care bill before they knew what was in it. The same folks who passed the stimulus bill..."
Poor, poor Nazi dress-up candidate! How could meany Eric Cantor disown him without even knowing the education value of his weekend blitzkrieg activities?? You would expect that kind of behavior from a lame, stimulus & health care-supporting Democrat, but from a fellow Republican?? For shame!

Though, I guess he should've expected this from Cantor, what with him being a terrible Jew and all!

Of course, Iott says he does not recall exactly when he joined the Wiking group (his name appears on a unit roster as far back as 2003), but did so with his son "as a father-son bonding thing."

Ah yes, nothing says togetherness like some relaxing, enjoyable quality time playing Nazi with the fam!

He says his name and pictures were removed from the Wiking website not out of concern that they would harm his political career, but because he quit the group three years ago, after his son lost interest. Iott participated in the group under his own name, and also under the alias "Reinhard Pferdmann," which has also been removed, and which Iott described as being his German alter ego.
"Part of the reenactor's [experience]," Iott said, "is is the living-history part, of really trying to get into the persona of the time period. In many, not just in our unit, but in many units what individuals do is create this person largely based on a Germanized version of their name, and a history kind of based around your own real experiences. 'Reinhard' of course is 'Richard' in German. And 'Pferdmann,' 'pferd' is a horse. So it's literally 'horse man.'"
Oh goody! We feel soooooo much better now that we know all about Mr. Horse Man
Reinhard Pferdmann Rich Iott's true, purely educational intentions.
"The purpose of historical reenacting is not to glorify war, necessarily, or the sides," he said. "It's to educate people. To learn about what happened. And to keep those memories alive, so we don't let it happen again."
Iott said "participating in historical reenactments, living history, is a much better way to get the message across" than other forms or education. "It's a great outreach to the public."
So true! I mean we can all talk about 9/11 'til we're blue in the face, but wouldn't it make more sense to just become one of those 9/11 enthusiasts who simply like to dress up as radical Jihadists (I hear they do a great Mohamed Atta!) and fly commercial jetliners into replica Twin Towers to get a real up close 'n personal sense of the thrill that comes with the sudden, explosive, fiery death of 3,000 Americans in the name of Allah??

It seems so obvious!

Asked if he regretted dressing up as a Nazi, now that he's running for Congress, Iott said: "What I regret is that we're wasting the time talking about this issue, when we should be talking about the real issues that are facing the country today."

What do you think, solving the Jewish Problem is something that happens overnight?? It took Hitler years (decades in fact!), and even he couldn't kill all the Jews everywhere, so what do you expect Horse Man over here to do?

He's a freakin' Nazi impersonator from bumblef**k, Ohio, not a magically mustached miracle worker from Vienna, for Christ's sake!

But, give the man horse some time! Call it a hunch, but something tells me Reinhard Pferdmann Rich Iott is going places!

Other than the Juden & Allied infested woods of his own sycamore and SS filled suburban Ohio backyard!

“It’s a tragedy that we don’t want to forget,” Iott said. "It did indeed happen. We can't sweep it under the rug."

Of course not! There would be nowhere to put the Jews then, silly!