Creepy Clown Lady Wants You To Help Make Glenn Beck America's New George Washington In 2012!

OMG! Run for your lives!!!!!!!

What's the only thing more terrifying than a deranged rodeo clown drawing swastikas on blackboards, err, on second thought, better make that chalkboards, weeping Vicks VapoRub tears on the teevee every night?

A slutty female(?) prostitute version of said rodeo clown wearing 10lbs of costume makeup, a straw hat, and organizing a petition to encourage America's favoritest weeping hero of freedom & faux tears, Glenn Lee Beck, to run for president in 2012.

Hooray?

In one of the creepiest and most bizarre videos (possibly of all time), the hell child of Glenn Beck and Pamela Anderson gives America a terrifying, extreme close-up of what happens when you pour an entire bottle of cheap drugstore foundation (for medium-dark skin tones) all over your face and whisper sweet-nothings begging dear, blue-eyed babe, Glenny Beck, to please please please be our next (legal!) president and return America to the shining pillar of peace and prosperity it was during the beautiful eight year reign of a cool, one-initialed cowboy named W.

Meet Robin Potwora, the straw hat sportin' spokesman for Main Street Bites Back, another trashy wingnut group dedicated to the very important (and probable!) goal of electing Glenn Lee Beck as the next awesome White Power President of 'Merica by terrifying unsuspecting web surfers in every corner of the globe.

I encourage you to visit the website of her "grassroots organization" if you, like myself, too enjoy bone-chilling robot voiced clips of (poorly!) illustrated popular political figures, including the dreaded Barack Obama and the most beautiful, perfect woman in the world Sarah Palin giving "uncensored shout-outs to Uncle Sam" (whatever the hell that means). Oh, and the bright fuchsia flapper hats and MS Paint animation are also highly effective!

Which is important because "our generation's George Washington" demands the absolute highest standards. Nothing but the very best!

Good thing the clown lady in the video gets this, because it is by using this tortured logic that Potwora realizes George Washington and Glenn Beck are totally like the same person, because neither one wanted the job as president, and that makes him just like our nation's first president. Obvs!!

Excuse me, what did you say? Glenn Beck doesn't want to be president? Neither did George Washington and look how that turned out! (Pretty darn good!)
When will Glenn Beck receive our invitation to be a presidential candidate? A formal invitation will be presented to him in 1/2011. (Don't worry, true Becklievers will know the specific day!)
What if Glenn Beck declines our invitation to be a presidential candidate in 2012? Consequently the petition will serve as a thank you to him for all he has done for us. (Our suicidal thoughts have been replaced by unimaginable bliss!)
Will Glenn Beck know that I signed the petition? Yes, the name of every person who signs the petition will appear either on the invitation or in the video. (WOOOOHOOOO!! Is there even a point of living after that??)
How can I help? Send people to our website to sign the petition, collect signatures and send them to us through email or call them into us by phone. Send us 50 signatures and we'll mail you an exclusive 'Back Beck 2012' T-shirt! (You can even wear it when you record that awesome video in your mom's basement for the big, upcoming, "Be Glenn Beck For A Day Contest," the coolest thing in the world, 'cept for Freedom!)

And clown spokeslady's who petition on behalf of born again George Washington's "re-Christened" with the moniker Glenn Beck to save humanity from smart presidents with working brains and sane policies (**shudder**) on America's new Independence Day, one of those days in November (right? Or was it October?) 2012, when throngs of dedicated GB (only one letter away from GW!) followers in heavy costume makeup launch an Electoral War to restore greatness to our glorious God & Glenn-blessed nation.

Eh, on second thought, 2012 is like a thousand years away (and it's kinda weird we haven't kicked out Barry Hussein already), so let's just use our twin angel-white hair, and unparalleled mastery of the all mighty 'stitution of the 46-year-old grandiose manifestations of a dark, traumatic childhood to go ahead and boot that no-good tyrant NObama out of office and install Mormon Miracle President Glenn B. Washington in his place right this minute!

Liberty and its insane clown posse demands it!

Teabaggers Don't Understand Why The NAACP Thinks Mobs Of Armed White Men Trying To Take Back Their Country From Blacky NObama Is In Any Way Racist

First Lady of arm muscles Michelle Obama and her toned, sexy upper limbs headed down to America's #1 party destination Kansas City to attend the annual convention of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), where the organization will, among other things, vote on a resolution condemning the Tea Party movement as "racist," which, while seemingly accurate, appears to have come about eight or so months too late.

NAACP leaders said the resolution was necessary to make people aware of what they believe is a racist element within the tea party movement. (A racist element??)

The resolution calls upon "all people of good will to repudiate the racism of the Tea Parties, and to stand in opposition to its drive to push our country back to the pre-civil rights era. (When America was still segregated and strong).

"I think a lot of people are not taking the tea party movement seriously, and we need to take it seriously," said Anita Russell, head of the Kansas City chapter of the NAACP. "We need to realize it's really not about limited government." (It's more about colored government!)

If voted on, the resolution will likely pass considering you don't need to be the freaking NAACP to know that mobs of middle aged white men holding up Obama monkey signs, waving the Confederate flag, and shouting "nigger and faggot" is indeed no less than some good, old fashioned racism. Christ, any dumb schmuck with working pairs of eyes and ears could tell you that! 

Err, except the actual human bags o' caffeinated spice 'n herbs doing the whole white hood 'n robe 'bagging for freedom thing.

“I just don’t see racism in the tea party movement,” said Brendan Steinhauser, director of campaigns for FreedomWorks, which organizes tea party groups. “Racism is something we’re absolutely opposed to.”

That's so weird! Because I always thought the Teabaggers have pretty much picked up the torch from Martin Luther King and the NAACP in leading the civil rights movement.

“The NAACP has more of a political agenda now, but I would hope that they would appreciate the fact that the tea party movement has a lot in common with the civil rights movement. I’m personally inspired by what the civil rights movement did, and I want them to know that.”

And I'm sure they'll totally appreciate it, too! Especially with your movement being the complete ideological opposite of the NAACP, and anathema to just about everything it stands for and holds sacred. Yes, I'm sure it means the world to them!

They positively adore all the nice little touches, because nothing shows how much you care like staging "Take Back The Country" Klan rallies protesting the illegal hijacking of the presidency by a smooth talking, chocolatey-lookin' fella with a funny name and funnier sounding birth certificate. Like what the hell is a certificate of live birth anyway? Sounds suspiciously Kenyan.

Isn't it so strange that anyone could possibly conceive of even so much as one, or all 100 percent of them, as racists?

Most of 'em are just proud White 'mericans who don't need no stinkin' government hands all over, telling them what (or who) they're allowed to shoot or words they're allowed to misspell cause of the Consti2shun 'n Jesus 'n stuff.

TEABAGGERS, racist? Hahahaha, wild, I know! Not this 'bagger party of all white people plus maybe one or two token blacks out of like thousands, for like diversity and proof that the entire organization is not one big ball of racist grand KKK wizards, with nooses & new testaments in their back pockets! Rather just like-minded middle aged white men who love Jeebus, freedom, guns, confederate flags, but simply HATE deficits and taxes, especially if it's a scary black man doing the taxin' and deficitin'!

It's not like they hate black people or anything like that. They love them! Especially the ones hooping it up on the b-ball court, rapping phatty beats, and filling up their prisons. It's filling up their White House and Executive branch they have the problem with.

But that doesn't mean they're terrible racists or anything!

Besides, it's like 'bagger-in-chief Brendan Steinhauser already told us, "I just don’t see racism in the tea party movement."

Well, at the very least, glad to see the 'baggers embracing one minority, the blind.

Which is a hell of a lot more than we can say for the lazy, finger-pointing NAACP who have nothing better to do than try to solve poverty and crime, find people in the country who are racist, and publicly decry them as such (even if having one convention a year means it's about eight months too late), and create millions more community organizers to ruin America with their brains and blackness, and desire to be counted as a full integer, not some lame fraction like 3/5ths, or whatever uppity, reverse racists like the NAACP are demanding now.

Ugh, get with the program people! Progress is sooooooooo last century! But, on the other hand, waistcoats and powdered wigs are all the rage these days. Hotttttttttt!

The True Colors Of Massachusetts' Favorite Nudie Model $enator Scott "Birthday Suit" Brown

After holding up financial regulatory reform several times to umm, help make the bill more big-bank friendly and less common-citizen friendly like a good, real Republican, Scott Brown, the former Cosmo cover model turned faux teabagger turned Massachusetts Senator has finally agreed to stop being such a Grand Old Prick, and support the darn bill, instead of riding his big, oil guzzling pick up truck all over it for like the Constitution 'n stuff.

Which is great news!! Because now the bill's passage seems likely, or at least until the next big, Brown-like A-hole starts disingenuously whining about how beautiful business will suffer under the brutish hands of big, bad government, and the whole thing collapses once again.

Just like our nation's economy!

So, after taking his sweet behind time deciding whether it makes more sen$e for him to join the gross DEMONcrats to support a Wall Street reform bill (and risk biting the very hand that feeds him!) or stick with his own good-for-nothing, Grand Obstructionist Party and let the fat cats on Wall Street continue running roughshod all over the dumb schmucks on Main Street, Scott Brown has finally decided to do the right thing, and pretend to help his other, non-corpulent feline friends for a change, moving Democrats closer to the 60 votes they need to block another delightfully fun Republican filibuster for freedom.

Hooray!?

I've spent the past week reviewing the Wall Street reform bill. I appreciate the efforts to improve the bill, especially the removal of the $19 billion bank tax. As a result, it is a better bill than it was when this whole process started. While it isn't perfect, I expect to support the bill when it comes up for a vote. It includes safeguards to help prevent another financial meltdown, ensures that consumers are protected, and it is paid for without new taxes. That doesn't mean our work is done. Further reforms are still needed to address the government's role in the financial crisis, including significant changes to the way Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac operate.

But the best news is that thanks to my changes, it doesn't really safeguard anyone anymore, except of course the only ones who matter: my hot cosmo self and my corporate cronies' cash flow.

Bottom line is I've done my job vacillating back and forth, stalling the bill's passage until after the July 4 recess to make Democrats look even more pathetic & incompetent (trust me, they're quite capable on their own!), not to mention stripping (reminds me of my young bachelor days!) the legislation of all its consumer-protecting strength like a real freedom-fighting, Grand Old Patriot of the all-mighty greenback. Dolla dolla bills ya'll!

But why the sudden change of heart from Mr. Nudie Heartbreaker himself?

Perhaps the Democrats dangled a cookie in front of Scott, ya know, something to really entice him to join the dark side, and vote on behalf of actually regulating the mammoth industry that helped cause the crisis, while at the same time continues to profit off the fiscal misery by duping the dumb public into believing that Republicans actually give one red cent about them, or their foreclosed home.

Something really tempting, like promising his daughter a slot on America's Next Top Model, or if he gets the urge to bare all in another beautiful birthday suit photo, maybe even him too. Like a special father-daughter spread or something super sweet like that.

What can Brown do for you? Other than show his true chameleon-like colors by being too yellow to stand up to glowing orange minority leaders and the rest of the pale white Republican patriots, and continue blue-balling the Dems' finance bill to keep struggling Americans in the red, so long as the poor, poor banks finally get back into the black, all to protect his favoritest, most beautiful shade in the whole wide world. No, not nude, silly! His other favoritest color in the all the world, freshly minted green, baby!

Tastes so delicious and refreshing, it's well worth the bitter taste it leaves behind. But hey, at least it's something to put in your mouth, since affording actual food isn't really an option.

On the bright side, there's probably enough for one of Scott's namesake brown bags, though.

Because the only thing better than a free lunch is the illusion of one.

Is the Teabagger's Favorite Tenth Amendment Turning The United Straights Of America Into The United States Of Gaymerica?

The Jesus Christ moral patrol on the right and assorted other Earthly messengers of God are always prattling on and on about how wicked gays are sashaying across America trying to gay marry and gay soldier, and basically spread their gross gayness on decent, upstanding straights from San Francisco to Soho.

This aggression cannot stand!

Before we know it, sacred altars will be flooded with deviant tuxedo-clad queers, Army bunkers will be overrun with camouflaged-clad homosexuals singing Streissand in the shower, and Civilization as we know it will come to a sinful, screeching halt. If you think Glenn Beck weeping Vick's VapoRub tears is insufferable, just wait 'til you're forced to watch Glennda Beck crying "its" baby blue eyes out on the teevee every night!

It's true! I mean just look at terrible Massachusetts where, with one stroke of his gay-lovin' gavel, some rainbow-tinged Commie judge, Joseph L. Tauro, ruled that the federal Defense of Marriage law prohibiting Adam and Steve from tying the knot (to eternal hellfire?) violates the Constitutional rights of married same-sex couples to equal protection of the law, and reverses the big, bad government’s long history of allowing states to set their own marriage laws.

Err, sort of.

Tauro's decision doesn't actually force Real Heterosexual American States to recognize the ungodly sodomarriages contracted in the five or so gay hell states (phew!), but what it does do is rule that the federal government cannot discriminate between legally contracted straight and gay marriages, because according to the Teabaggers favoritest Tenth Amendment, only state governments get to decide what a legitimate marriage is.

Meaning gays married in the states that condone their awful gay marriedness can go ahead and file joint tax returns, receive Social Security and Medicare benefits for their same-sex spouses, and do all those other horrible, culture-destroying perversions on the wicked gay agenda.

Wonder how the 'baggers like them Tenth Amendment apples now?

But don't get too excited with your "blessed" state-sanctioned marriage-y thing, gays! Because the decision will almost certainly be appealed, likely when some closet case hiding under one of those "sanctity of marriage" groups starts wailing about moral fabric and/or the imminent collapse of society courtesy of activist liberal judges doling out marriage certificates to couples with the wrong penis-vagina ratios. In which case, it will then go all the way to the Supreme Court, where it will be inevitably overturned in a decision written by Antonin Scalia or Clarence Thomas (if he could write), while Samuel Alito and Chief Justice Roberts giggle in the background, poking each other, and arguing over who is the bigger "faggot." (Let's just call it a tie?)

But even if our Supreme Leaders decide that both God and our founding fathers (wait, you mean they're not the same thing??) never intended for marriage to be anything but the miserable union and sacred (soon-to-broken) vow of faith & fidelity between one man, one woman, and one Elvis impersonator/accredited minister in Las Vegas, there's still the other pressing issue of what to do with those pesky guys just dying to defend their country and the very freedoms not extended to their wretched kind, in the remote deserts of Iraq, Afghanistan, or whatever oil rich A-rab country the U.S. of A is currently dropping freedom on via bullets and smart bombs.

So, while the whole world awaits the results of the Pentagon's Don't Ask, Don't Tell questionnaire to assure the entire military doesn't collapse all because Sergeant Smith prefers his sexytime with Corporal Johnson, the gays appear poised to spring from military closets and barrack floorboards to spread their gross gay germs all over the pristine, pure American Armed Forces.

But first they must ask some 400,000 troops obnoxious middle school questions like how they would react if they had to shower or share a tent with a weirdo gay person (if we can even call them that).

Just to make sure they don't melt from all the hot, steamy gayness going on, or go insane, or God forbid, maybe even go gay themselves (gasp!).

*Click for Larger

There are tons more questions about how serving with an icky gay might (definitely!) negatively impact the lives of good, decent, upstanding straight-as-an-arrow servicemen who are simply trying their very hardest to spread freedom while making sure that freedom doesn't extend to spreading their own two legs so their burly bunkmate Jim can have his merry way with them.

Which is ridiculous because there is more than enough cootie spray ready and available to go around, should Don't Ask Don't Tell be repealed, and every gay and lesbian solider immediately starts raping the nearest same-sex being in brown and green fatigues, as is likely the case with these sex-crazed deviants.

That is, if there were actual gay people already serving in the Armed Forces, which everyone knows is currently 100 percent homo-free, just like the good Lord intended when writing about that whole freedom to have a well-regulated militia thing back in 1776.

But on the bright side, if the Pentagon decides there is no room for well-dressed men who like Broadway musicals, bright fuchsia gingham button downs, and buff, broad-shouldered brutes, I hear George Rekers is always looking to hire a few good men who know a thing or two about handling large, heavy loads...of luggage.

No questions asked.

Sharron Angle Knows When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemonade & Thank Jesus For Giving You Anything, Even If It's Spoiled Rinds Or Li'l Miracles Of Incestuous Rape

Ooooh, another adorable wingnut surprise from the parched West, dem parts where they don't take too kindly to strangers, like dirty Mexicans in their backyards or Kenyans in their White House.

But, who is this new delicious desert-fried bite of unbridled crazy, and where in God's scorched desert landscape did she come from?

Why, it's Sharron Angle, straight from the bright, big city lights of America's favoritest place to bet their life savings and booze away their sorrows, the sparkling state where it's cool to hit the strip scouring for strippers to bang, Nevada baby!

But, other than a certifiable crazy person, just who is this awesome new darling of human bags o' caffeinated herbs 'n spice, who beat out that (equally insane) Chicken Lady to win the Nevada Republican primary and the one-of-a-kind opportunity to face none other than Dear Leader Harry "Mason" Reid for the chance to become the next, freedom-loving patriot to head to our nation's capital to serve the evil, terrible government her entire campaign is based on destroying. Yay?

One may refer to the irony of an outspoken anti-government zealot attempting to become part of said terrible government by using the well-known phrase "turning lemons into lemonade." This would almost be an appropriate use of the popular metaphor. But not if your Sharron Angle, who prefers to use this simple, ubiquitous cliche when waxing psychotic poetic about how young, teenage girls raped by their fathers shouldn't be able to have abortions, but instead deal with the "horrific situation" by turning "lemons into lemonade."

STOCK: What do you say then to a young girl, I am going to place it as he said it, when a young girl is raped by her father, let’s say, and she is pregnant. How do you explain this to her in terms of wanting her to go through the process of having the baby?

ANGLE: I think that two wrongs don’t make a right. And I have been in the situation of counseling young girls, not 13 but 15, who have had very at risk, difficult pregnancies. And my counsel was to look for some alternatives, which they did. And they found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade. Well one girl in particular moved in with the adoptive parents of her child, and they both were adopted. Both of them grew up, one graduated from high school, the other had parents that loved her and she also graduated from high school. And I’ll tell you the little girl who was born from that very poor situation came to me when she was 13 and said ‘I know what you did thank you for saving my life.’ So it is meaningful to me to err on the side of life.

Oh, Sharry! It's one thing to be an insane crazy person who happens to equate abortion with the murder of an innocent life. From a purely ideological perspective, one should not feel compelled to say sugarcoated, not-so-politically-suicidal statements you don't really mean just to make yourself sound electable instead of imbalanced. But at the same time, one should also not try to pretend these tragic incidents are some positive, life-changing affirmations when they're really just hellishly bad nightmares.

It's just not done. It's called class, got it, Angle?

Of course, this isn't the first time Sharry baby has found herself in scalding hot water for saying bizarre, crazy lady things, like oh, turning incestuous rape victims into delicious lemon meringue pie, or encouraging the assassination of her Democratic election foe, incumbent Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid while appearing on conservative talk radio "The Lars Larson Show:"

You know, our Founding Fathers, they put that Second Amendment in there for a good reason and that was for the people to protect themselves against a tyrannical government. And in fact Thomas Jefferson said it’s good for a country to have a revolution every 20 years.
I hope that’s not where we’re going, but, you know, if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.

To a really fancy restaurant?? Why, that's awfully nice of you to offer, Sharron, but he's been super busy trying to actually run this terrible government you're always ranting about, while trying to avoid being "taken out" by some heat-packin' Sharron Angle supporter with Jesus on his side, and extra bullets in his swastika decorated fannypack.

"I meant take him out of office, and taking him out of office is a little different," Sharron later clarified. "I changed my rhetoric."

Of course! Oooooh, won't it be great once she's elected and decides to take out every ranking senator until there's no one left but Senate Majority Leader Angle and a congressional floor full of bullet-riddled corpses. Then America will really be free!

But what else does Miss Angle believe other than assassinating elected Democratic officials from her native Nevada, and cooking lip-smacking lemon and incestuous rape-based cuisine?

Before she decided to stop gift-wrapping insane statements to the press and retreat into a safe, media-free zone where her ridiculous, frightening thoughts could remain private, Sharron Angle gave America a near-perfect stream of delightful, discretion-free lunacy 'round the clock.

Abortion: Divine interpreter Sharron Angle believes abortion should be illegal because of (who else?) God. When asked by radio host Bill Manders whether there is "any reason at all for an abortion," Angle answers: "Not in my book." For clarity, he says: "So, in other words, rape and incest would not be something?" And the always charming Angle replies with this reasoning: "You know, I'm a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things."

Hear that, ya ungrateful heathen? God planned your terrifying (divine?) rape and subsequent pregnancy! And if God's plan is for you to get forcibly penetrated by your uncle and/or father, His plan is also that you keep your deformed, cognitively impaired baby, and take comfort knowing the Lord is watching over you. Just have a little faith here, people!

And while we're at it, why bother throwing the man in prison for doing God's work honorably raping women and children? After all, how could us mere mortals possibly understand the divine nature of planting a man's seed in his 12 year old daughter through forced, gruesome penetration?? Exactly.

Unemployment: Sure, Nevada may currently lead the nation in unemployment but that doesn't stop our Sharry from making mindblowingly insensitive, glib comments about poor, jobless Nevadans (laaaaaaazy!) enduring terrible hardships. You see, Sharron knows that those without employment are "spoiled" brats, and perfect Senators to-be like her (ooh, keep your fingers crossed!) are "not in the business of creating jobs."

Of course, what she really meant to say was that was that welfare "has spoiled our citizenry" and that "the system of entitlement has caused us to have a spoilage with our ability to go out and get a job," which apparently also extends to her ability to master obscure Old English phrases that went into extinction with the Dodo Bird, Polio, and John McCain's integrity. So, bravo?

Scientology: Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist, I repeat Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist! They are weird and mostly elitist liberal celebrity types, which Miss Angle is most certainly not. She is a down-to-Earth gal from the Wild West who simply believes that Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard had all the answers when it comes to curing addiction, and as a legislator, supported "a prison rehabilitation program promoted by the Church of Scientology and involving massage and saunas." Which is totally not Scientology! Far from it. It is simply a very reasonable psychiatric alternative invented by the same man who belives America was founded somewhere around 75 million years ago when the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy Xenu brought billions of humans ("thetans") to Earth, stacked them in volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs, or maybe just had Sharron and her followers shoot them with their semiautamic machine guns 'til they all exploded. Point is, no one knows for sure!

The United Nations: That shriveled old thing? Is that ancient fossil still around? Ugh, Sharron Angle knows it's time to leave that old whining hag in the nursing home, or six feet under with Grandma where it belongs. It's high time America withdraws from that stupid world organization already, since it's nothing more than a cesspool of liberal ideology and "the umpire on fraudulent science such as global warming."

"I'm a clean-air proponent," Angle said in an interview. "I don't, however, buy into the whole...man-caused global warming, man-caused climate change mantra of the left. I believe that there's not sound science to back that up."

She only gets her science from reliable sources like L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise and whatever the voices in her head tell her (kill Harry Reid?).

But alas, don't get too attached to wonderful Sharry and her enlightened positions because last week Angle launched a new website that "softens" her stances, by "removing them entirely," lest she come across as some unhinged nutjob or anything.

Oh and while we're on the subject, you might not want to get too attached to ol' Angle either because her and Harry are locked in a tight one in the polls, and our lovely unhinged heroine of Teabags and Freedom needs plenty more cash to catch Sir Moneybags Harry Reid's campaign chest, which has raised ten times as much.

But don't despair! Perhaps Sharron could put those Betty Crocker hands of hers to work with a delicious fundraising bake sale, and maybe whip up another delectable batch of everyone's favorite, sinfully scrumptious lemon-flavored dessert treat.

Because nothing helps brings a smile to the face of an incestuous rape victim quite like Famous Angle's Zesty Lemon Squares or Sunny Morning Lemon Muffins!

Not even justice.

Will RNC Replace Michael "Sexytime" Steele With The Even More Hilarious, Fool(proof) Sarah Palin?

The secret to soaring success in the Republican Party is all but guaranteed by following one of two surefire paths: bein' a sexy hot mama with a killer bod, wicked aim, and all the wit and charm of a rabid hyena, with the brain power to match, or a freakishly ineffective, gaffe prone, bumbling black man with a knack for saying the most hilariously inappropriate things at the most comically inopportune times.

From the lamestream media's perspective, including "bored, pathetic, no-life anonymous bloggers" like yours truly, Michael Steele has been nothing short of a Godsend. A veritable treasure trove of endless gaffes, misjudgments, and what-the-hell-was-he-thinking (or not) moments, just begging to be endlessly mocked.

On the other hand, those who actually care about the health of the Gray Old Party and/or effectiveness of its esteemed Chairman to, umm, actually help get Republicans elected, by raising actual money, promoting party principles, not actively humiliate the Party while blowing through their entire budget on faux lesbo S&M bondage clubs and essential office supplies like designer shoes, are starting to wonder if it's time to swap Steele for someone a little less worn and rusted.

In light of his most recent gaffe, the cardinal sin of Republicans, by not wanting people to die all the time in endless wars, Michael Steele might have finally taken his inability to filter thoughts between his brain and his mouth a step too far. Oh no!

Rumors are starting to swirl that El Chairman might finally get the ol' heave ho, but where oh where on God's green Earth, are they going to find a good looking power player as universally beloved, successful, and sexy,  who really knows how to shake things up, with the super skills necessary to be the next dopest, off-the-hook Republican leader of the entire world?

Hint: look due North (all the way up)!

Apparently, there's some talk in GOP circles that the Barracuda herself should take over the RNC mantle as the second biggest mistake the Party has made in as many appointments.

John McCain's one-time running mate and former Alaska governor is, as CBS News' Bill Plante puts it, "the star of the Republican Party. She's the top endorser, top fundraiser — and now could be the party's top dog. Some members of the GOP base are calling for her" to take Steele's place.

Which means, wait for it...Everybody's favorite Arctic drifter and professional quitter Sarah Louise Palin, the most wonderful woman ever to grace the face of the Earth, is being tossed around (not as a hilarious joke) but as an actual, legitimate replacement of ol' balls of Steele. THIS IS THE BEST MOST AMAZING NEWS IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!

To think, Queen Bee Sarah may actually get to be the #1 most importantist Republican fundraiser in all the land! I mean Lord knows the woman's got a knack for raising ungodly sums of cold, hard cash, though mostly to store in her own endlessly deep pockets, not to mention a head start on off-the-hook technology kids really go for like her favoritest Facebook and Twitter.

OMG, please, please, please pick Sarah Palin. That would be so awesome! Because the only thing better than having an incompetent fool whose most compelling quality is the color of his skin, is to have an equally incompetent buffoon whose best asset is contained within the first three letter of the word, though her unique ability to massacre speeches from the palm of her hand doesn't hurt either! Plus, she's got that one-of-a-kind knack for saying stupid things, turning everything she touches into a continual spectacle and object for ridicule.

Which is...perfect?

Sure, $arah would totally max-out a few more base donors before the midterms, maybe convince some dying old white men to contribute to her very "attractive" cause for the constitution 'n stuff. But even so, letting $arah Palin be the party's "top dog" seems insane considering only 37 percent of 'mericans have a favorable opinion (meaning they don't automatically gag whenever she opens her freedom hole), and the other 73 percent can't stand the crazy Alaskan mama bear, which is to say they don't much care for former half term runner up governors of Miss America, wait , or was it Alaska? I can never keep 'em straight!

And you betcha the Democrats would be all over the chance to use the "Sarah Palin as the official head of the Republican Party" as a fundrasing ploy, because surely those words will send a chill down the spine of every mega rich, arugula eating liberal elitist who doesn't sleep with a loaded Magnum .357 beneath their pillow for warmth and comfort, or in case any pryin' journ-y-lists come venturing too close to Mama's den.

Besides, why would Miss Thang ever give up her lucrative multimedia career in the thriving industry of spreading lies and misinformation to clueless patriots 'cross this great nation en route to getting rich baby by spillin' trash baby trash upon the unsuspecting ears of the American public.

Sure, she loooooves quitting things she starts, but that's only when there's more money to be made elsewhere, not for some terrible reason like to actually helping her wonderful Party accomplish something other than setting the Guinness World Record for most consecutive boneheaded decisions by a single organization!

This would not be a wise career move! It would be downright unAmerican to let all this soon-to-be cash go to waste on something silly like helping Republicans, instead of spending it on something important like helping her look even sexier in expensive black leather jackets. For freedom!

But alas, Steele will likely keep his job screwing everything up, hemorrhaging donor money and being his usual disastrous, gaffelicious self  because "even his GOP critics want to avoid a drawn-out fight over the party's most prominent African-American just four months before midterm elections."

They might lose the African-American vote: his!

Instead they'll do the honorable thing and unceremoniously dump him after the midterm elections, and replace him with the next Great White Hype who isn't a lipstick wearing pig maverick hockey mom by the name of Sarah Palin.

Since Jesus Christ is already sooooooo swamped advising everyone from Glenn Beck to Michele Bachmann, an even better idea would be to get one of Sarah Palin's adorable li'l miracles of God to fill Steele's rather large, expensive designer shoes?

Bristol's probably too busy getting pregnant or warning other teens not to get pregnant to take on such massive responsibility. But there's always that youngest, special neediest one, Trigger.

Might just be the perfect way to reconnect with the similarly "special" (needs) base of the Republican Party!

It's all part of God's Master Plan! Which I guess, at least explains the whole Michael Steele as Chairman thing.

The Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways!

Who Would Jesus Shoot? Other Than Bobby Jindal & The Entire Grand Obstructionist Party!

Exercise The (Oil) Demons, Bobby!

Yeeeeehaaaaww America! The moment you've been waiting, hoping, and praying for your entire life has finally arrived, and just in the nick of time! In case somethin' disastrous happens, like say, demonic blobs of British Petroleum ooze up from the shores and burst through your quiet, neighborhood church in Louisiana, threatening to devour every terrified congregant. Every last God-fearing one of 'em!

Not if fearless leader and howdy doody look-alike, Piyush "Bobby" Jindal has anything to say about it!

Thanks to the governor's sage wisdom and savvy leadership skills (especially in times of crisis!), residents in Louisiana may still be unable to swim along the coastlines or catch nary a shrimp or oyster to feed their starving families, but they will be able to carry concealed weapons into houses of worship just in case any evil, oil glob monsters slink their way from the shores of the Gulf to Sunday mass at St. Mary's Church.

That's right y'all! With one swift stroke of the pen, Governor Bobby Jindal's signed into law a new bill that some residents (those with brains) up in arms:

State Rep. Henry Burns’ bill would authorize persons who qualified to carry concealed weapons having passed the training and background checks to bring them to churches, mosques, synagogues or other houses of worship as part of a security force.

The pastor or head of the religious institution must announce verbally or in weekly newsletters or bulletins that there will be individuals armed on the property as members of he security force. Those chosen have to undergo eight hours of tactical training each year...

The bill also allows a house of worship to hire off-duty police or security guards to protect congregants.

Wooohooo!! Glad to see Jindal continuing to make wonderful executive decisions, and prove he's got his Grand Old Priorities straight, in these trying times when luxurious oil is creepin' baby creepin' all around Louisiana's once-pristine, water-based coast. On the bright side, most Southern dishes can now be made by headin' straight down to the Gulf, and flash-frying your ingredient(s) of choice right there on the beach. It's perfect for fried chicken, butterfly shrimp, even your favorite Cajun stir fry!

Now, you may remember ol' Bayou Bob as the adorable baby-faced token minority and rising Republican star whose refusal to accept big, bad government money for his desperately poor, disaster-ravaged state made him a fleeting darling of the right and anyone else who values ridiculous, self-serving (political) grandstanding and nonsensical, ineffectual ideas as the preferred method of handling a crisis.

Well Bobby doesn't miss a beat, because he knows the only thing standing between his precious Louisiana voters and giant, amorphous blobs of crude oil, fish bones, and bird feathers who prey on the pious, is strapping semi-automatics on every old, churchgoing patriot in the Parish. Unlike stupid federal funds, cleanup workers, or scientifically sound solutions to stopping the oil spill, Bobby relies on his own two-sen$e and unshakable belief that the good Lord would never let anything bad to happen to beautiful, Christian Louisiana!

This is very important, people! An absolute, undeniable, irrefutable fact, despite what those pesky Hurricane Katrina truthers may try to tell you!

"We don't have time for meetings, we don't have time for red tape," Jindal said. "Get in the game to win."

We don't even have time for smart ideas that actually work, only hysterical nonsense that make terrible policy but great soundbytes, because isn't that what is really important here?

Duh! As Herm Edwards knows, "You play to win the game!" And everyone knows the coastal devastation and complete destruction of an entire ecosystem is nothing more than an awesome, fun, relaxing game of poolside pinochle.

Which helps explain why bumbling Bobby J has been huffin' and helicopterin' all over the state, publicly bashing the Administration while secretly begging Barry for big, bad government money, all while coming up with his own awesome plans like packin' heat in pews, and untenable "rock jetty proposals" which the entire scientific community dismiss as ludicrous, dangerous, and potentially more problematic than the renegade oil itself. Oooh, even better!

"No is not a plan," the governor reiterated at a press conference.

It's our entire way of life!

Which helps explain why Jindal's approach to millions of gallons of crude (foreign, gasp!) oil lapping at the shores of Louisiana makes about as much sense as his approach to every other challenge in his path, like say encouraging citizens to come to Sunday services strapped with a Glock 22 beneath their (endangered) animal hide belt as a very reasonable, effective way to fight crime. Hooray!

Sort of like how Bobby's been shriekin' and hollerin' against evil Socialist government aid for his entire dweeby existence, slashing state oil spill funds by 50%, crafting oil spill contingency plan's featuring "pages of blank charts," worst-case scenario plans labeled "to be developed," and sealing the state's oil spill response records...for Freedom! That is until it's his broke-ass, backwards, Commie-hatin' state that needs help, and he's reduced to a sniveling hypocrite begging and crying for some of Uncle Sam's scrilla.

Sure, Jindal may have accepted accepting only 1,053 out of 6,000 available National Guards, but he's been doin' tons of helicopter rides and screaming, which is just as good as actual trained troops, no?

Besides, if all else fails, Bobby can always round up heat-packing parishioners from across the Bayou State, bring 'em down to the oil-drenched coasts, and have 'em shoot the bejesus right out of their now-flaming and bullet ridden waters.

Show that darn oil what happens when scary foreign substances try to wash up on Louisiana's shores. And unlike Arizona, they shoot first, ask questions later!

While it may be true that if you need a gun at church, you may be in the wrong place of worship, but certainly in the perfect place for a li'l beachfront firefight to make sure whatever wasn't already decimated by toxic ooze is rewarded with a warm welcome of lovely Louisiana lead instead.

And with the highest rate of gunfire death in the country (double the national rate!), you better believe these faithful, Jeebus-lovin', Bible-thumpin', heat-packin' Bayou boys 'n gals know how to aim, baby aim, even if BP doesn't.

Praise the Lord, pass the ammunition & let us say Amen.

OMG! Breaking News: Levi Johnston & Bristol Palin Are Back In Love, & Everything Bad He Said Was A Lie, Until Their Next Break Up

America's favorite spurned, tell-all baby daddy and almost X-rated Alaskan answer to Scott Brown, hunky heartthrob Levi "Almost Showed My" Johnston wants you to know all those mean, terrible, private things he said about the Palins, specifically sweet matriarch Sarah Palin, were actually mere figments of his wild, teenage imagination and he's deeply sorry for all the pain, trouble, anguish, anger, or ill effects he may have inadvertently caused the family. When he slipped and fell into every teevee interview and talk show around to say some juicy stuff about how Sarah is really a crazy, cold-hearted wench and so on and so forth.

Accidentally when he was still all sad and upset-like 'cause of his break-up with Bristol and the whole crazy Tripp thing (like fatherhood, weird!) and said some, umm, things he shouldn't have said.

Especially if he knew he was gonna get back together with Bristol and the gang!

"Last year, after Bristol and I broke up, I was unhappy and a little angry. Unfortunately, against my better judgment, I publicly said things about the Palins that were not completely true," he said. "I have already privately apologized to Todd and Sarah. Since my statements were public, I owe it to the Palins to publicly apologize."

What those things were exactly, he wouldn't say, but whatever the lies were, he is certainly the sorriest young high school hockey star and famousest father in all of Alaska! Besides, he needs to stay mum in case he ever needs leverage for future baby-momma drama (although we're certain they'll live happily ever after!).

He would never ever do a thing like that again, or at least until the next time he is shamefully cast off by the Sopalins for being a slutty man whore with a big mouth who gossips like some high school heartthrob after breaking up with his girlfriend because of her psycho mother.

His hot, sexy, amateur actress girlfriend whose star-making performance playing the non-gifted, white trash version of brilliant cellist Yo-Yo Ma means she can finally give the whole abstinence crusade thing a rest and get back to doing what she does best: screwing the bejesus out of beau Levi, whenever Mama's off on a hunt or hoarding cash in the Lower 48 for freedom!

Bristol, who has finally gotten the hang of how the whole Palin family ghostwritten public statement thing works, added her "own" professionally crafted response, saying: "Part of co-parenting is creating healthy and honest relationships between the parents. Tripp one day needs to know the truth and needs to know that even if a mistake is made the honorable thing to do is to own up to it."

Got it Johnston?

Okay, okay, sorry Tripp for getting drunk, not wrapping up the goods, and nine months later having a special, li'l miracle of God I never really wanted but lost the receipt so can't return, ugh. A total bummer but Bristol says he's real cute 'n stuff, and I can teach him to play hockey and hunt and how to ding dong ditch with flaming bags of moose dung, so we'll see. Who knows, maybe it won't be too bad after all!

And now that Mama's off Facebookin' for freedom 'cross America, Bristol and Levi are free to be the two made-for-each-other love birds, and underage sex machines everyone knows they should be.

“Bristol and Levi are still very close,” a source close to Bristol, 19, tells Us. The eldest daughter to former Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin claimed in the June issue of Harper’s Bazaar that ex Johnston, 20, was “a stranger to me.”
But the source reveals, “Now that Mama Palin is out of the picture and Bristol is on her own in Anchorage, they spend more time together than most people think.”

Oooooh, does that mean they're doing DOING IT????

Because we all know what happened the last time Mama Bear was too busy ruining running Alaska to monitor her eldest daughter's sexual behavior.

But wait, maybe the pair is just trying to spend more time together with li’l Tripp?

Adds the source: “Levi even stays overnight. I even think they are back together.”

Like making steamy, unprotected sexytime back together?

"So to the Palin family in general and to Sarah Palin in particular, please accept my regrets and forgive my youthful indiscretion," Johnston said. "I hope one day to restore your trust."

So I can return to my rightful place inside your daughter, continue reproducing tons o' li'l Tripps and Triggers, and restore my suddenly cold-as-Wasilla sex life back to its mainland warmth.


Which means the whole world can breathe a collective sigh of relief knowing it's favoritest pair are back on (top of each other?) and can reclaim their well-deserved title as America's #1 Sweethearts, now that Al and Tipper have so cruelly tossed their title in the gutter, and crushed our belief in love and God.

Yay!

But wait! Not so fast, says Levi's sister Mercede, who took to her awesome new blog to hit back at the Levi Johnston faux apology tour to get back into Sarah's good graces and Bristol's designer pants.

"After about four hours of fun out on a four-wheeler I finally stopped someplace where there was a clear signal and checked my I-phone. I found that I had received a number of messages, but there was one which caught my attention, immediately made my heart beat faster, and brought a tear to my eye."

"The message was from my mother saying that Levi, who has not spoken to us since he rekindled his relationship with Bristol (although we had attempted repeatedly to call or text him), left a message saying that if I did not take my blog down by Wednesday that I would never get to see him, or Tripp, again."

"I could not believe it! I thought to myself if he was really willing to make such a threat that he would at least have the decency to call me and talk about it first. I mentioned on my blog repeatedly that my intention was not to hurt or attack the Palins, but to speak out and tell the public my side of the story. As well as how badly my life, and the lives of our family members, had been impacted by our association with the Palins."

"It had my mind spinning. How could my brother threaten me like this?"

Oh no! Levi has forgotten who his real non-rich and famous celebrity family is! Now, he will never return to his familial frozen meth lab roots in Wasilla! How can you do this, Levi?

I wish Levi could be the man I know he is and have a mind of his own and finally stand his ground, but I guess he is blinded by love. I just wish he would take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Like how Bristol and Levi are totally back together, true love conquers all, or at least whatever couldn't be accomplished by drilling, baby drilling Levi's fragile, hunky brain with evil Palin Family brainwashing.

Unlike every other idiot teenage couple who got knocked up in America, Bristol and Levi have publicists who talk to the national media when their romantic status changes. Which means, we won't have to rely on the poor man's journylism of Mercede Johnston's blog, the savvy investigatory prowess and unparalleled determination of Us Weekly, or the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to keep us informed of this very special moment in American history.

And maybe, just maybe, if every last man, woman, and child (special needs and otherwise) in America tries their very hardest (and prays every night) to break the evil Sarah spell, Levi Johnston will one day be able to break free from the strings of Palin puppethood (or is it parenthood?), and once again be a real live boy, err make that, real, live Playboy centerfold.

Glenn Beck University: A Higher Education For Those With Higher Callings & Even Higher Doses Of Antipsychotics

Why waste your time spending oodles of your precious, hard-earned money on those arugula-eating, elitist institutions with their liberal values (abortions & homos!) and hoity-toity academic accreditations? When for just a fraction of the cost you can get all that and more!

Welcome to the brand spanking-new manifestation of Glenn Beck's alcohol and drug ravaged, born again mind, "Beck University" where eager, knowledge-hungry pupils can brush up on fundamental courses like "faith," "hope," "charity," and "101 creepy things you can do with a chalkboard."

All while putting money straight into the pocket of their favortiest teary-eyed patriot of decaffeinated herbal beverages, and pudgy poster boy for what happens when mental illness goes untreated, Glenn Lee Beck.

It's true, America!

While the rest of the nation is relaxing poolside or wallowing in liberal dens of iniquity like secular summer camps not exclusively devoted to the study and worship of Jesus, the chosen few, who pledge their allegiance to a weeping blond haired, blue-eyed baby face Aryan Fox anchor with a buzz cut and not-at-all-bizarre obsession with the Third Reich, can head back into the classroom for "a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics."

“School may be out for the summer, but for Glenn Beck class is just starting,” reads an announcement on Beck’s website. “This July, while others are relaxing poolside, head back to the classroom — from the comfort of your own home. That may sound like an oxymoron, but Glenn’s new academic program is only available online.”

Actually, pretty much just the moron part.

For those fellow truth seekers and pudgy, pale patriots of White America, Glenn Beck's University has everything one could hope for pray to Jesus Christ for. Like online classes which "meet" every Wednesday through September 1 and boasts three renowned, certifiably wingnut, deeply committed (to mental hospitals?) "professors" teaching "Faith 101," "Hope 101," and "Charity 101" for entry level students, with 102 and 103 level classes in subsequent weeks.

Oooh, meaning you can too can earn your PhD in freedom in almost the amount of time it takes Glenn Beck to pour artificial tears into his eyes, and have his daily one-on-one conversation with God before the camera starts to roll.

Plus, you'll finally perfect drawing that lovely swastika you've been practicing, thanks to Glenn Beck's personal tutorial on how to decorate your home or office with beautiful Nazi insignias even Hitler would love.

Not to mention, the one-of-a-kind opportunity to sit inside, in front of a computer screen on hot summer days, combing through conspiracy theories and learning all about how you too can help take your country back from illegal Kenyan terrorists with a deep-seated hatred for white culture, or just deep-seated hatred of fat white idiots with small brains and extra large tear ducts, or whatever the case may be.

The classes are offered exclusively to anyone who signs up to be Glenn Beck's "Insider Extreme" subscribers, pays the bargain basement monthly fee of  $9.95, and possesses the unique ability to suspend brain activity for endless hours at a time.

Naturally, the mission statement of Beck University is gleaned from the Latin saying on its Coat of Arms: "Tyrannis Seditio, Obsequium Deo," which sort of translates to "Revolution against tyrants, submission to God."

Or for those among us who don't spend their days contemplating the oppression of the White Man while staring out of their Overton Window, "Revolution against truth, submission to God-complexes."

“Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of faith, hope and charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future,” the website promises.

Like what would happen if, say, every last one of Beck's freedom fighters suddenly freed themselves from inhabiting this Earthly realm??

Hmmm, The Rapture?

Quick, sign up now and you get a special bonus course at no added charge: Vicks VapoRub Weeping 101. With a special introductory session for those looking to brush up on their skills making fun of 11-year-old first daughters for asking Daddy when he's going to plug the hole.

Likely as soon as Professor Beck wraps up his lecturing leaking toxic waste Tour de Farce and decides class is dismissed.

Which should be right around the time he's offered his first major motion picture starring role as the title character in the Nutty Professor III: F**k the Klumps, Beck's Bringing Kluxy Back!

Sarah Palin's Foreign Policy Manifesto Via Facebook! Hint 2 NObama: "Less Bow, More Boom Boom Pow!"

Fresh off her keynote "speech" to wingnuts and white robe-wearing patriots at last week's "Freedom Fest" in Virginia, world famous Arctic drifter and empress of the North Pole took to her favoritest Facebook to do what she does best: no, no, not bilk the public out of moose piles of money, silly! The other thing she does so much better than anyone else: yelling at that terrible Socialist demon NObama on popular tween social networking sites....for freedom. Hooray!

In her most recent illuminating, likely ghostwritten (lest it's grammatically incorrect and makes zero sense) F-book status update, $arah Palin dropped a lengthy foreign policy manifesto outlining the key points from her Freedom Fest speech and came thisclose to actually formulating a coherent few sentences. This is harder than it sounds, my friends!

But before Miss thang could delve into the bloody, red meat of her latest very important rant post, the Barracuda naturally had a few bones to pick (just like the old days huntin' with the fam!) with the elitist, arugula-eating lamestream media who, as usual, were bein' big fat MEANIES to her and her perfect, off-limits family parading every which way during her money-making venture speakin' from her palm across the lower 48.

"Earlier this week, I spoke at the Freedom Fest in Norfolk, Virginia; and, evidently, the media was asked to leave – not by me, that’s for sure. I want my message out, so despite reporters making up a story about “Palin people kicking us out” (uh, the “Palin people” entourage would consist of one person – my 15-year-old daughter, Willow – and I have no doubt she could take on any reporter, but I know for certain she didn’t “kick ‘em out” of the event). Anyway, here are some of the key issues I spoke about."

Got it, ya good-for-nothing louses? Any more tomfoolery from you hoity-toity media types and you, my friend, will enter a world of pain, Willow Palin style. And you better believe Mama Bear knows how to train her li'l cubs!

Palin on Defense Spending:

"It takes a lot of resources to maintain the best fighting force in the world – especially at a time when we face financial uncertainty and a mountain of debt that threatens all of our futures."

Not to mention, coastal seas that used to be made of actual non-toxic, Dihydrogen monoxide instead of flaming globs of delicious British Petroleum! But eh, who really cares 'bout silly, hippie-dippie environmentally things like that?

"We have a federal government that is spending trillions, and that has nationalized whole sections of our economy: the auto industry, the insurance industry, health care, student loans, the list goes on – all of it at enormous cost to the tax payer. The cost of Obamacare alone is likely to exceed $2.5 trillion dollars."

Ugh, why should we, hardworking decent folk, have to pay for your stupid diabetic grandma or leukemia-stricken kid just because your very nice health care company very reasonably suddenly dropped your coverage upon diagnosis and your double-shifts at the diner simply don't cut it?

This is America people, we pull ourselves up by our own God damn bootstraps!

"As a result of all these trillion dollar spending bills, America’s going bust in a hurry. By 2020 we may reach debt levels of $20 trillion – twice the debt that we have today! It reminds me of that joke I read the other day: “Please don’t tell Obama what comes after a trillion!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA, but the funniest part is I don't know either! Umm, maybe around the amount I got upfront for my awesomest best-selling 432-page tribute to myself, Goin' Rogue??

"Something has to be done urgently to stop the out of control Obama-Reid-Pelosi spending machine, and no government agency should be immune from budget scrutiny. We must make sure, however, that we do nothing to undermine the effectiveness of our military. If we lose wars, if we lose the ability to deter adversaries, if we lose the ability to provide security for ourselves and for our allies, we risk losing all that makes America great!"

Like bombing the bejesus out of every oil rich A-rab country we can for awesome democracy 'n stuff. USA! USA! USA! USA!

"Now don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with preaching fiscal conservatism. I want the federal government to balance its budget right now! And not the Washington way – which is raising your taxes to pay for their irresponsible spending habits. I want it done the American way: by cutting spending, reducing the size of government, and letting people keep more of their hard-earned cash."

Ya know, the Barracuda way: trim the fat, scalp the hide, and throw that badboy up on the office wall like a real star 'n striped 'merican!

"This administration may be willing to cut defense spending, but it’s increasing it everywhere else. I think we should do it the other way round: cut spending in other departments – apart from defense. We should not be cutting corners on our national security."

'Course we shouldn't! We don't need stinkin' public schools, roads, post offices, transportation, garbage collection, police officers, fire fighters, social security, medicare, or any other terrible socialist things like that.

On Obama's Foreign Policy Inheritance:

"When George W. Bush came into office, he inherited a military that had been cut deeply, an al Qaeda that had been unchallenged, and an approach to terrorism that focused on bringing court cases rather than destroying those who sought to destroy us. We saw the result of some of that on 9/11."

Guess unlike moral, pure Jesus W. Bush, Slick Willy was too focused on some other things, and got a little shall we say distracted? Wink wink!

"When President Obama came into office, he inherited a military that was winning in Iraq. He inherited loyal allies and strong alliances. And thanks to the lamestream media pawing and purring over him, he had the benefit of unparalleled global popularity. What an advantage!"

And to think, he didn't even do everything in his power (like shock 'n awe the sh*t out of the world) to squander it, the selfish jerk!

On the War on Terror:

"His administration has banned the phrase 'war on terror,' preferring instead politically correct nonsense like 'overseas contingency operations.' His Homeland Security Secretary calls acts of terrorism 'man-caused disasters.' His reckless plan to close Guantanamo (because there’s no place to go after it’s closed) faces bipartisan opposition now."

Ummm, how about somewhere cold and dark that no one in their right mind would ever choose to inhabit, like say, Wasilla?

On Afghanistan:

"A July 2011 date to begin withdrawal...This date was arbitrary! It bears no relation to conditions on the ground. It sends all the wrong signals to our friends and to our enemies. We know our commanders on the ground are not comfortable with it."

Just pick up that Rolling Rock or Rolling Stone magazine thingamajig, ya know, the one with AK-47s coming out of Lady Gaga's tatas on the cover, if you don't believe it!

What they are comfortable with, however, is little ol' me in a string bikini and an American made M16 strapped across my still-smokin'-hot, I-can't-believe-she's-only-46-years-old, bod.

"As that great Navy war hero, Senator John McCain recently put it: 'The decision to begin withdrawing our forces from Afghanistan arbitrarily in July 2011 seems to be having exactly the effect that many of us predicted it would: It is convincing the key actors inside and outside of Afghanistan that the United States is more interested in leaving than succeeding in this conflict.'"

What does that say about our unwavering commitment to waging unwinnable (trillion dollar) wars 24/7 'til there's no where left to invade? It says we're a bunch of quitters, that's what! And if there's anything America is not, it's a quitter! That's reserved for former half-term governors who honorably shirk their elected duties to tend to the private sector like a true American patriot, who bleeds red, white, and most importantly of all, green! Blue is overrated anyway!

On Coddling Adversaries:

"Meanwhile, the Obama Administration reaches out to some of the world’s worst regimes. They shake hands with dictators like Hugo Chavez, send letters to the Iranian mullahs and envoys to North Korea, ease sanctions on Cuba and talk about doing the same with Burma. That’s when they’re not on one of their worldwide apology tours."

Maybe they should try one of the Grand Old Party's worldwide carnage tours for some real change we can believe.

"Do we get anything in return for all this bowing and apologizing? No, we don’t...And while President Obama lets America get pushed around by the likes of Russia and China, our allies are left to wonder about the value of an alliance with the U.S. They have to be wondering if it’s worth it."

What do you think Tony Blair would say now? I, for one, don't think he would be so keen on siding with America, invading Iraq, and getting ousted from power in shameful disgrace any more, do you? Or take El Salvador and Estonia for example, where would America be without their solid, unconditional support and commitment to destroying a sovereign nation? This is the cost of alienating our friends! Think about it. Is this the kind of loner America (with nary a Poland to call your friend) we want to live in?

On an "Enemy-Centric" Foreign Policy (Sarah speak for not telling all the Asians and A-rabs to kiss her Arctic ass):

"When the world’s dictators see the United States unconcerned with human rights and political freedom, they breathe a sigh of relief, because they know they have a free hand to repress their own people."

Or read speeches from even!

"This goes against the very ideals on which our republic was founded. There is a long bipartisan tradition of speaking out in favor of freedom – from FDR to Ronald Reagan. America loses something very important when its President consigns human rights and freedom to the back burner of its international priorities"

Yes, we need a President who puts human rights and freedom to the back burner of its national priorities, like a real leader!

On a Different View of America:

"We have a President, perhaps for the very first time since the founding of our republic, who doesn’t appear to believe that America is the greatest earthly force for good the world has ever known."

"When asked whether he believed in American exceptionalism, President Obama answered, 'I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect that the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism.' Amazing. Amazing."

He doesn't even think America is the bestest, most awesomest, freedom-lovingest, Jesus-blessed nation ever to grace the face of God's (once) green earth! For shame, sir!

"It is in America’s and the world’s best interests for our country to remain the dominant military superpower, but under President Obama’s leadership that dominance may be slipping away. It’s the result of an agenda that reeks of complacency and defeatism."

Not to mention organically grown arugula!

"I went on from there to talk about our need to end the negative, defeatist attitudes of those in leadership. I spoke further on American exceptionalism, and Willow and I ended a great evening with some great patriots. Sorry the media chose to report anything other than what actually happened at the event." – Sarah Palin

Guess that's just what happens when you live in a nightmare dystopia where half black secret Muslim terrorists from Kenya hijack the White House en route to destroying America's hard-earned reputation as a dumb, lipstick wearing pitbull who drops not waste, but beautiful balls of freedom all over the world in adorable little packages that go KABOOM! when you open them.

Kinda like her favoritest holiday, Christmassacre! 'Cept without all the annoying good cheer.

Oh, you betcha!

Woohoo, America! Celebrate 4th Of July Knowing 74% Of Your Fellow Patriots Know Our Humiliation Of The British Started 234 Years Before This Year’s World Cup!

Howdy America! It is that blissful time of year when Americans of all stripes red, white, and blue stripes only gather together to stuff burgers 'n brats in their pie holes, throw back some ice cold brewskies, and watch multi-colored pyrotechnic lights explode in the night sky for freedom.

And what better time to show the world the kind of bright shining (mental) stars we, Americans, truly are than posing the incredibly difficult, brain-busting question: "From which country did the United States win its independence?" on our favoritest, freedomiest Fourth of July holiday?

Surely, the pollsters over at Marist University (along with the rest of the arugula-eating lamestream media elites) were giggling with delight at the hilarious prospect of fat, patriotic jumpsuit-wearing 'mericans with mustard dribbling down their chins actually coming up with a coherent answer that doesn't make us want to rip our hair from our scalps and/or put an American-made steel bullet right between our sparkling blue eyes.

But lo and behold, turns out a whopping 74% of Americans, or three-quarters of all citizens, actually know the U.S. declared its independence from...wait for it...Great Britain. In 1776, no less!

Ugh, so much for the whole "America is a bunch of dumb freaks" angle!

But seriously, SEVENTY-FOUR PERCENT is practically inconceivable considering most folks can't name anything that doesn't involve a side of super-sized fries or deep fried Twinkies.

Wooohooo! USA! USA! USA!

Sure, 26% failed to correctly identify Great Britain as America's colonial master and the country the United States fought an eight-year war with to gain its independence, but still!

I mean, to begin with a good 10 percent of the population probably can't spell their own name, let alone name which colonial Motherland America had to overthrow for the freedom to export freedom-fried potatoes to poor, oil-rich nations throughout the world. Pandora??

Let's say another 5% (at least) are just plain ol' crazy people who think America was founded somewhere around 75 million years ago when the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy Xenu brought billions of humans to Earth, stacked them in volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs or maybe even Fourth of July fireworks. No one knows for sure.

And it's probably safe to assume the remaining 11% of respondents were pissed that some stupid pollster from some no-name "University" interrupted them during dinner to ask them a single, asinine question and answered “the United States won its independence from the country of 'My Big Old Butt'" before promptly slamming down the receiver.

But, other than this, everyone else got the question right!


This is no small feat, my fellow Americans!

For the most part, Americans hate being well-read, shudder at hoity-toity academic things like gross books, and take pride in being ignorant dunces, who know nothing of the world unless it has the word sea in front of it.

Yet, by some incredible twist of fate, the U.S of A has somehow gotten most of its comatose citizenry to learn (and retain!) a historical factoid that doesn't have to do with Snooki or LOL cats doing something hilariously human-like such as skateboard or play the piano. HAHAHAHAHA, just thinking about leaves me in stitches!

So, America, the next time you see drunken middle-aged white men with beer bellies hanging out of their jeans trying to figure out how to light something (be it a pocket rocket or Webber grill) this Fourth o' July weekend, instead of getting depressed or cynical at the state of our glorious, saturated fat-clogged brain challenged nation, think of this poll and let yourself swell with patriotic pride instead.

And wave that flag with your head up and chin held high.

Just watch out for the still sizzling fireworks and polish sausages. Those babies burn and we don't need flaming flags illuminating America's backyards from coast to coast.

That would be gay and that is, of course, the complete opposite of America!

And P.S., for that 26% who don't know, America won its independence from a once-powerful land called Old Country Buffet.

Michael Steele Continues Trying His Very Hardest To Get Fired As America's Hottest Comedian & Coolest RNC Chairman...And Still Fails!

Oh Mikey, try as he might (and boy does he try!) to stop making his Grand Old Party look even more Grand Old Pathetic than it already is, there just doesn't seem to be any way for Mr. off-the-hook Chairman of youth to avoid repeating the same mindblowingly stupid mistakes over and over again. Just like some broken, old school hip-hop record. That's whack yo!

Truth is it has been like forever since Michael Steele said (or did) something dumb and outrageous to humiliate his Party on a national scale. Which in Michael Steele time, is only about two months or so, meaning El Chairman was waaaaaaay overdue to make another terrible gaffe to amuse the nation, and jeopardize his reign (though probably not) as the worst Republican National Committee Chairman in all its storied history of incompetent, brain-challenged leaders.

And this time it didn't even have to do with lesbian S&M bondage clubs or RNC policies of using racism as an actual strategy for the last 40+ years, so fat white slobs in the South vote for them. Hooray!

No, this time it has to do with a subject even closer to shriveled Republican hearts, their all-time favoritest activity and sacred nondenominational alter before which all Republicans bow: awesome war! More specifically, a fun little romp in the desert called the war in Afghanistan!

Speaking at a fundraiser in Connecticut, Michael Steele apparently forgot the two fundamental rules of the Republican Party: no one cares what the RNC Chairman says unless he says something crazy (which he always does), and never, under any circumstance, utter a single bad word about war, glorious war, which Republicans simply loooooove, and is always noble and just.

Keep in mind again, federal candidates, this was a war of Obama’s choosing. This is not something the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in...

That's right, people. 9/11 was a figment of our collective imaginations and that blissful, peace-filled eight-year reign of George W. Bush was little more than a fantastic never-ending dream America wishes was still enveloping them in its delicious warmth and comfort every night.

Otherwise, surely some young strapping patriot of freedom would have run up to the Chairman and stabbed him repeatedly for saying such an idiotic and meany thing...to sweet war, no less!

It was the president who was trying to be cute by half by flipping a script demonizing Iraq, while saying the battle really should be in Afghanistan. Well, if he’s such a student of history, has he not understood that you know that’s the one thing you don’t do, is engage in a land war in Afghanistan? All right, because everyone who has tried, over a thousand years of history, has failed. And there are reasons for that. There are other ways to engage in Afghanistan.

First off, someone really ought to tell Michael Steele that when being videotaped speaking in a circus tent and discussing sensitive subjects he isn't particularly well-versed on, a good idea would probably be to steer clear of offering misquoted foreign policy advice he stole from the movie Princess Bride, butchering Sicilian crime boss Vizzini's famous line "never get involved in a land war in Asia."

Inconceivable!

But Sir Chairman, what about his slightly less well-known: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" What, you only steal lines that have to do with Asians and Arabs? Italy isn't good enough for you!? For shame!

Oh, and another thing while we're on the subject of saying asinine thing in public forums, try to avoid using the word "cute" when describing the war-time actions of a sitting U.S. President. Yeah, yeah we know, everything the guy does is adorable, but do his actions really merit the same adjective as a Bratz doll or Malibu Barbie? Think about it. Because unlike black leather whips and gagged & bound faux lesbo strippers, it cheapens us all.

But on the bright side, congrats to the Steele man on his very impressive scholarly grasp on the convoluted, bloody history of Afghanistan. Taking such complex issues and making them seem sooooo easy! Well done sir, well done!

Plus, he even managed to do the impossible: unite in agreement the Democratic National Committee and the wingnuts on the right like Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol who wrote this seemingly nice, but secretly loaded letter urging the beloved Chairman of gaffes and screw-ups to step down:

Dear Michael,
You are, I know, a patriot. So I ask you to consider, over this July 4 weekend, doing an act of service for the country you love: Resign as chairman of the Republican party. Your tenure has of course been marked by gaffes and embarrassments, but I for one have never paid much attention to them, and have never thought they would matter much to the success of the causes and principles we share...

There are, of course, those who think we should pull out of Afghanistan, and they’re certainly entitled to make their case. But one of them shouldn't be the chairman of the Republican party... 

Needless to say, the war in Afghanistan was not "a war of Obama's choosing." It has been prosecuted by the United States under Presidents Bush and Obama. Republicans have consistently supported the effort. Indeed, as the DNC Communications Director (of all people) has said, your statement "puts [you] at odds with about 100 percent of the Republican Party."

Which gasp, could only mean one thing: Steele baby got things right for once. OMG, quick, fire this man at once!

Wait! Steeley Klan has issued an update re-framing his views on the war, saying, "As we have learned throughout history, winning a war in Afghanistan is a difficult task," adding that, "There is no question that America must win the war on terror...We must also remember that after the tragedy of September 11, 2001, [the war] is also a necessary one."

Just like how after the many tragedies of his tenure as Chairman, Steele's resignation is also a necessary one.

Unlike that whole war thing.

But alas, Michael consider the warning words of your (fictional) hero Vizzini:

Am I going MAD, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass...And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland Maryland!

Hell no he doesn't!

Good thing he does something stupid like this every few weeks or so, party leaders call for his head, he doesn't resign, the sun still rises in the East, sets in the West, the Earth continues to rotate on its axis, America gets wasted and explodes red, white, and blue combustibles for Independence, no one remembers anything by the time they return to work Tuesday morning, and everything returns to wondrous normalcy.

Only difference of course is instead of spectacular exploding for freedom, Republican leaders go back to their usual, boring imploding instead.

Just Because His Name's Lindsey, He Talks With A Lisp, & Is A Life-Long Bachelor Doesn't Make Him A Gay...Or A Moderate Either!

Oooh, Senator Do Tell!

Justin Bieber look-alike Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) may be a mysterious cross between a middle aged lesbian and a tweenage heartthrob, but that doesn't mean this baby-faced, sexually ambiguous good ol' boy from South Carolina's gonna start donning breeches and waistcoat and throwing back cups of freshly brewed English Breakfast, like the rest of the intellectually hijacked Glowing Orange Puppets in Congress.

This makes the human bags o' brew very angry...like black man in White House angry!

"The problem with the Tea Party, I think it's just unsustainable because they can never come up with a coherent vision for governing the country, said Sen. Graham, who has become persona non grata on the right for refusing to trade in his crisp Brooks Brothers suit for a white robe and matching KKK emblazoned hood.

Like the Dinosaurs, Dixiecrats, Dodo birds and John McCain's integrity, Graham knows "it will die out."

“Everything I’m doing now in terms of talking about climate, talking about immigration, talking about Gitmo is completely opposite of where the Tea Party movement’s at,” Graham said.

They much prefer shrieking incoherently about losing the country to secret Socialists in the White House and dirty Mexicans in the desert, spewing n*gger and f*ggot-laced profanities, holding up Obama equals Hitler  signs, and equating affordable health care for all with the Nazi slaughter of six million Jews. With obligatory grammatical mistakes and spelling errors like a real, 'merican patriot.

But that's not all Sen. Graham said in his traitorous interview with the arugula-eating liberal elitist rag, The New York Times: "'What do you want to do? You take back your country—and do what with it?'...Everybody went from being kind of hostile to just dead silent."

What would you like them to do, Linds?? Have actual thoughts and the ability to express these "ideas" into coherent phrases and sentences not involving the words Nazi, Hitler, Communist, Socialist, and/or White Power??

HAHAHAHAHA, good one!

Well excuuuuuuse them if not every patriot wearing decaffeinated bags o' Lipton on their forehead has the luxury to have their ghostwritten ideas scribbled into the palm of their hand like some elitist, hoity-toity, Lear jet-flying Alaskan Empress by the name of $arah Palin.

These are decent, hard-working, common folk real Americans who don't have time for fancy shmancy liberal things like using facts and reality to craft policy. The only krafting they do is of the mac 'n cheese variety and comes in a blue box.

"We don't have a lot of Reagan-type leaders in our party. Remember Ronald Reagan Democrats? I want a Republican that can attract Democrats."

Well I want a money tree that rains Benjamins every day before sunrise, and a special wand that waves pixie dust and makes all the dead, oil-soaked dolphins magically come back to life but that doesn't mean it's going to happen, now does it?

"Ronald Reagan would have a hard time getting elected as a Republican today," Graham added.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait just a second, sir! Not, Ronnie Reagan! THE Ronnie Reagen, the legendary Gipper and greatest American president ever to grace the face of the Earth, whose very blood, sweat and tears nourished this country back from the brink of destruction from a deadly 1980s combination of gay diseases and Soviet commies rampaging through society.

He would have trouble getting elected as a Republican today?? But he's got all the criteria! A decaying, Alzheimer's ravaged mind, a rudimentary grasp of the important issues, an uncanny George W. Bush-like ability to confuse confidence with competency, a personal, direct line to Jesus Christ, and a bizarre, vague, fact-less notion that a robust, strong economy comes by loose change from the couch cushions somehow trickling down to the gross poors and coloreds ruining America with their torn, tattered clothes, cardboard box homes, and swarthy, non-milky white skin tones.

Good thing Graham has the pasty, powdered, "indoor" look Republicans really seem to go for these days. Not to mention the scholastic chops (an impressive “800 combined score” on the SATs) to give a riveting keynote address to the next fine crop of gun-totin' graduates from some no-name college in bumblef**k South Carolina:

“This country is being challenged in a tremendous way. Broken borders, 12 million people here illegally. Everybody’s upset about that — they ought to be. But somebody’s got to fix it...America’s at her best when she’s thinking about the future and not the moment. So my advice to you graduates is when you get out of school and get a job and a family, try to be part of the solution, not the problem...And the only way we’re going to solve these problems is working together.”

BOOOOOOOO!!! 

Err, quick Lindsey better think of somethin' good 'n redneck to say, and quick!

“Good luck, and I hope all of y’all become rich!”

WOOHOOOOO!!!!

Naaaaaaailed it!

Of course, life ain't easy when you're the cherub-faced, soft-spoken go-to GOP liaison to Barry's DEMONcratic White House, who is willing to maybe, just maybe, work with gross, terrible Democrats to oh, I don't know, actually help the country.

“He’s willing to work on more things than the others," White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said. "Lindsey, to his credit, has a small-government vision that’s out of fashion with his party, which stands for no government...He’s one of the last big voices to give that vision intellectual energy.”

Or at least more than hot air or orange radioactive fallout like some other boneheaded GOP leaders fond of comparing big banks to poor worker ants crushed by nuked up, trigger happy Kenyan Presidents hellbent on restoring stability and integrity to the financial industry.

Like say "the small people" not getting billions in government bailouts as a reward for running their billion dollar corporations into the ground while trying to make a quick buck betting that the securities they sold were actually more bogus than the Republicans' attempt to solve anything, ever.

“I’m a little worried. This is not healthy for the country. It’s really not.” But at least his party’s unwillingness to work with the Obama administration amounted to an “opportunity” for him to be the Hill’s deal-maker in chief, “I mean, I’m not having to push through people to get to the front of the line.”

That's because every other Republican seems to have gotten the memo that Barry's got cooties!

Of course, for his cardinal sins of cooperation, conservatives, wingnuts, and Grand Old Pricks like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh have been all over "Miss Lindsey" like marshmallows and chocolate on graham crackers, insinuating that his fleet-footed tendencies to seek common ground with Democrats, really comes from fear of being outed as a repulsive, limp-wristed homosexual, the single most God-awful, dreadful fate a strapping, testosterone-filled South Carolinian could ever be cursed with.

“Like maybe I’m having a clandestine affair with Ricky Martin,” he said. “I know it’s really gonna upset a lot of gay men — I’m sure hundreds of ’em are gonna be jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge — but I ain’t available. I ain’t gay. Sorry.”

He's just gay for government!

Unless you happen to know an attractive Oval Office that's vacant? Cause then he might be interested. He has a long history of going both ways. Only problem being those darn cold feet he gets every time it comes to actually walking down the aisle!

“Reason always prevails,” he said, “if you can market it right.”

Cowboy hat, spurs, a loaded .57 magnum, the perfect amount of manly queer bashing, and a King James Bible in the back pocket oughta do the trick.

“I fully understand 70 to 80 percent of my [Republican] conference is going to reject any idea of putting a price on carbon anywhere,” he told me. For that matter, he said, “the environmental groups are great to deal with — but they think the planet’s gonna melt in five years. I don’t. I think carbon pollution, all things considered, is bad for human beings. But it’s not what I think of when I wake up in the morning...I offer myself as a bridge, and I take a beating for that, and I get rewarded for that. It’s a business. Politically, it is who I am now. There’s no use for me to try to play another game.”

Especially the get-a-life or at least get-a-wife game!

He'll stick with his sad, boring, homo no life, instead of risking deportation living la vida loca with Señor Martin.

Even if his seven years as a senator and frequent White House visitor have failed to produce a single legislative victory, gay ol' hopey-changey Lindsey is optimistic that things will improve with the upcoming elections.

“If you look at the Republicans who are likely to come into the Senate in 2010,” he told The Times. “They’re gonna be more like me, not less like me.”

Sexually confused, androgynous, closeted Obama-admiring moderates whose timid, disingenuous bipartisan attempts to (twinkle?) toe the Grand Old Party line come with little style, less substance, and absolutely zero results?

Guess that's just the way the cookie, err Graham cracker crumbles.

Or in Lindsey's case, flakes!