Breaking News: Ann Coulter Fails To Realize Wingnut HomoCons Have Feelings Too!

Say you're a confused gay or lesbian patriot who hates taxes almost as much as terrible, no-good moral fabric-destroying minorities such as your own deviant homosexual self.

Now pretend, there's actually a whole group of fellow self-loathing wingnut queers (let's call them GOProud, shall we?) who just like you and Patty Hearst, can't help but align themselves with the very forces who despise them, and would like nothing more than to ship the whole sodomizing lot of 'em off to some remote, terrible, scary place in the middle of nowhere no one in their right mind would ever choose to inhabit, like say, Wasilla or something.

Now let's imagine you and the rest of your butt sex-loving rainbow GOProud pals want to throw a big gay bash, where other like-minded wingnuts with a deep-seated hatred of themselves and their sexual preferences can go and rub elbows (and if all goes well, hopefully other parts too!), and basically feel free to be their fabulously confused, conservative, homosexual hypocritical selves, all in the name of liberty and Lipton's signature brew.

Their very own "HomoCon" 2010! Which is like a big prom for people who probably were either too awkward or too deep in denial to attend their own actual prom, back when they were in high school some twenty years earlier. Yay!

And much like a real prom where people go to dance, have fun, and maybe get lucky and slip a hand up their date's shirt, this HomoCon prom also needs some great headline entertainment, and probably not whichever greasy haired potheads won this year's Battle of the Bands contest at the after school pep rally.

No, no, something this utterly fabulous demands someone equally fabulous as it's big, wingnut-drawing superstar. So you can imagine the nation's delight when it was revealed that none other than expired entertainer and beautiful giraffe necked giant of crazy Christians everywhere, THE Ann Hart Coulter would be the coveted GOProud guest of (dis)honor! Woohoo!

Yes, it's true! The GOProud could hardly contain their giddiness over the prospect that the world's most (in)famous fag hag, almost physics-defying 50ft mutant alien "Judy Garland of the Right" herself, Ann Coulter, would agree to take their gross gay money for the distinct privilege of getting to tell them just how gross gay and repulsive they are for hours of entertaining fun!

Ooooh, Ann Coulter being ummm...Ann Coulter!? OMG, this show-stopper sounds like a must see!

But the real $100,000 question, err make that the real $2,500 question, of course, is who does Ann Coulter love more, the GOProud or the bigots?

Well, now that the HomoCon has come and gone, we have the answer and can die tomorrow, our lives complete.

Turns out, the inimitable Ann Coulter knows The Gays suck even more than The Blacks, because of The Constitution, or something like that:

In one of a series of racially insensitive remarks that pervaded her speech, Coulter added, “Marriage is not a civil right. You’re not black.” It was part of a larger argument on which she later elaborated, telling the crowd that the 14th Amendment only applies to African-Americans and that it does not, in fact, apply to women, LGBT people or other minorities.

Hahaha, eat that ya sick flamers, faggots & bull dykes waving Teabags, you're not even black, so boo-yah! Rights don't apply to your gay kind. Come back and talk to her when your skin color turns from milky white into a nice chocolatey hue and you have an actual case. Til then, go do what you do best, spread AIDS and dole out fashion advice on E!

She then goes on to suggest that the gays should really make friends with the anti-abortion fetus freaks, because "as soon as they find the gay gene, you know who's getting aborted."

OMG totes! One day (hopefully soon!), the scientists will be done implanting mice with human brains and will discover a gay gene, and then everybody will abort their faggot blastocysts, for Jesus. And He won't even weep, or be sad, because the termination of a gay fetus is not a murderous sin, but rather an actual Commandment from God. This is an undisputed fact! Just ask Christine O'Donnell, she'll tell you!

Of course, not every HomoCon attendee appreciated Miss Coulter's hilarious stand up comedy act regurgitating every vicious, hackneyed racist and homophobic stereotype in the history of humankind, which is weird because isn't that exactly what they paid her to do, to be her usual lovely, compassionate self??

Another delightfully awkward moment came when Miss 50ft Thang talked about fisting, right there on the stage:

Coulter also made a forceful case against sex education in schools, accusing liberals of attempting to teach kindergartners about “fisting” (which garnered her a heckler, who shouted out “What’s wrong with fisting?”) and told the crowd that most parents didn’t want their children learning about the “homosexual lifestyle” instead of reading and writing.

So true! Everyone knows they want their precious li'l miracles of God learning how to hate gross gay mutations of normal, decent Jeebus-worshiping folks instead!

Luckily, the awkward tension was relieved when Ann Coulter explained, “Haha, just kidding, there is nothing wrong with fisting!", before teaching the eager conventioneers all about the good kind of fisting, where you fold your hand in the shape of the Laffer Curve, which guarantees every HomoCon attendee's man or womanly goodness will trickle down onto everyone else, and the economy will be saved forever. Hooray!

So, now that HomoCon 2010 has come and gone, and all the jello shots made of holy water, artificial flavors, and shame have been slurped up, perhaps Ann Coulter will go home and reflect on why her much-anticipated coming out speech bombed, shocking all, while awing none.

Guess she must have made the rookie mistake of misreading her audience. Wingnut gays don't hate black people, silly! They hate taxes! And, of course, themselves!

Anyway, only three-hundred-fifty-something days left until the next awesome HomoCon fest!

2011 baby!! Wonder who the fabulous, queer-bashing, hate-filled keynote speaker will be? Adolf Hitler (the original, not the new Arab-y one occupying the West Wing of the White House instead of the entire European continent)? Oooh, keep your fingers crossed! Perhaps Mahmoud Ahmedinejad? Allah-willing! We can always hope, right? I hear George Rekers is available, and this time, he won't even have to scour up 'n down the Internets looking for a few good men (whores) to help handle his heavy loads.

There's already a whole room of 'em! Plus I hear these ones are totally into the whole kinky S&M bondage thing. Particularly, the humiliation part!

Is There A New Kim On The Block?

Oooh, Something Tells Me Things Are Gonna Be Different Now!

Unlike in hideous, Constitutional abiding, Democratic America, over in the bad Korea, they know how to do politics the right way: no voting, no campaigns, no food for the people, no contact with the outside world, no freedom whatsoever, no money for anyone except Dear Leader, etc.

This wildly successful system of transferring absolute power from one insane, psychotic Cognac-loving Kim-named midget to another has worked brilliantly for at least the last half-century or so, (save for the detention camps and that li'l famine that killed some 2-3 million North Koreans, because really, whose counting anyway?).

So now that Dear Leader Lil' Kim Jong Il is possibly dying from pancreatic cancer and is also believed to have suffered a stroke two years ago, the time has come (or not?) for Kim the Elder to transfer complete power and the undying love of every Korean to his youngest son, Very Lil' Kim Junior the 2nd Jong Un. Hooray!!

In the biggest meeting of North Korea's ruling Workers’ Party in 30 years, Kim Jong Il promoted both his sister, Kim Kyong Hui and his youngest son, Kim Jong Un to Four Star Generals, "signaling the start of a possible power transfer in North Korea to a man said to be in his late 20s who the regime has never previously mentioned in public." Sadly, Kim's amicable, chubby, less bloodthirsty insane, Ferragamo loafer-wearing eldest son, Kim Jong Nam lost a power struggle with his little bro several years ago, due primarily to the fact that he is not a 100 percent deranged madman who feasts on misery and babies' tears, and is thus unfit to rule.

Of course, the last such Party gathering saw current fan favorite Kim Jong Il assume control from his father, the original Dear Leader, Eternal President, and Korean Jesus, Kim Il Sung, way back in 1980, and pretty much everything has been sunshine and roses, worldwide, ever since.

Hopefully, the new Supreme Leader of all Korea Kim Jong Un will be even more amazing than his universally adored, albeit vertically challenged, legendary father Kim Jong Il, if such greatness is even possible, which it is not, since he is a Living God, and the Earthly embodiment of all that is Holy, Pure, and Right in the world.

But we can always hope!

Little is known about Kim Jong Un. He attended the International School of Berne in Switzerland, according to media including the Seoul-based Dong-A Ilbo newspaper. The official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) has never mentioned the son by name and China didn’t say whether he accompanied his father during the most recent visit.

The promotion of Kim Jong Un to the rank of General, along with Kim Jong Il’s sister, Kim Kyong Hui, in what may be part of "contingency plans should Kim Jong Un prove unsuitable," was issued yesterday by Kim Jong Il, who called on military commanders to "remain true to the party’s leadership in the future."

“It’s the first step forward in what will be a step-by-step process,” Donald Gregg, a former U.S. ambassador to South Korea said in an interview with Bloomberg Television. “It would be almost impossible to give Kim Jong Un full powers since he is untested.”

OMG, so true! Like what if Lil' Kim Jong Un turned out to be some freak pussy who doesn't even get off by systematically murdering, starving and terrifying his own people while sippin' Henny and watching old, terrible American action flicks from the comfort of any one of his 17 different, heavily fortified, anti-aircraft missile equipped palaces throughout North Korea??

Then how would Bill Clinton get to heroically rescue pretty, frightened Asian gals from pint-sized dungeon masters, earning their eternal gratitude, not to mention a 10 hour, 50 minute, 5,946 mile unaccompanied flight with two attractive women–giddy with freedom and eager to do anything to give thanks to the brave, tireless efforts of a certain former president, who would never deprive a lady of her wishes, especially one down on her knees?

Guess that rules out Bill's North Korean successor hopes. But don't despair! He could always return to governing Arkansas. After all, it is the North Korea of North America.

Oh, Pyongyang, things are gonna change, we can feel it. YES WE CAN!

Oh wait, that's just the electric fence.

Republicans Unveil Pledge To Rid America Of Silly Solutions, Gross Diversity, And Deviant Liberal Equality

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You Know What They Say About GOP Candidates Who Use Big Fonts To Fake A Jobs Plan...

Let's say you're a Republican candidate somewhere in America, like say, maybe Wisconsin, for instance, and  unemployment is rampant because the actual 'middle class' heart of our economy has died, forever, plus you stand for "small government" or whatever, so you can't actually propose anything, but you still need to talk about jobs because in America's heartland, jobs come first! Right after the Packers and cheeseheads, of course!

So what do you do, Wisconsin GOP gubernatorial candidate Scott Walker? What do you about that?

Why, you create "SCOTT WALKER’S 68-PAGE JOBS PLAN!" in all caps, with an exclamation point for emphasis!

And that's not it, my friends! Since you need to not only match, but beat your Democratic opponents' 67-page normal-sized font jobs plan, you obviously decide to release a, wait for it, 68-page plan, with the font size set to Mike Huckabee's old waist line, which is like infinity times better!

Nevermind fuddy-duddy Democratic things like actual details or ideas. Who needs those when you have "three pages of talking points stretched across 68 pages," with the letters blown up to a ridiculous size 10-million font?? Certainly not Scott Walker!

Let's take a look-see at some of Mr. Walker's brilliant plan to create jobs by producing a document seemingly designed for the elderly, legally blind, or retarded people:

Naturally, priority number one is to abolish all taxes, which can easily be done by the a single, incomplete, phrase stretched across an entire page, "We must lower the heavy tax burden that prevents businesses from investing in..."  Duh! This much is obvious!

Scott Walker apparently also wants to nuke Wisconsin. Which can be a great way to create jobs, such as funeral directors, roadside cleanup crews for body removal and other scattered debris, firefighters to put out the soon-to-be raging, nuclear-fueled conflagrations, and even scientists and researchers to help develop new treatments for chemical burns and/or various work-related complications, like birth defects, physical disfigurement, and increased numbers of depression, anxiety, and other ailments associated with severe mental stress. Hooray!

Oh yeah, and thanks to his 68 page-PDF-equivalent of having an insane, old person scream in your ear for an hour, "SCOTT WALKER!" is also waaaaaay ahead in the polls, so umm, go Wisconsin!?

Thanks To Republicans, America Isn't Just Safe From Gays, But Immigrant Children & Their Gross, Immigrant Ways

Rejoice America! Because yesterday, while Senate Republicans — some of the most sexually open, secure people in the entire world — were patriotically filibustering the very idea of debating the possibility of maybe repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell, giving terrible gays and lezzies the right to die for their country, the Grand Obstructionist Party were also working hard, killing that "other" awful Mexican-ish measure which would help Dora the Explorer and other no good, dirty, job-stealing brown people become actual American citizens, like true defenders of the Constitution!

It's true! The Democrats' so-called Dream Act, (or as Republicans call it, the un-American Nightmare Act) would allow "children of undocumented immigrants who've contributed to the country, by attending college or serving in the military, to get on a path to citizenship," which everyone knows is a horrible idea that makes us want to vomit in our mouths, and would do nothing more than turn the pure, homogeneously white U.S. of A into some unrecognizable, muddled red & green, salsa dancing Estados Unidos wasteland.

But thanks to the hard work and diligence of Senate Republicans, America is finally safe from the deviant gays and terrifying anchor babies/future 9/11 hijackers. In other words, precious li'l miracles of Allah and mini Mohamed Attas in diapers. Like Dora the Explorer Conquistadora Jihadist Warrior.

Yay! Republicans Heroically Vote To Keep Our Military Safe From Scary Ladies In Meat Dresses & Even Scarier Ga-Ga Gays!

OMG! Guess what little gay and lezzy monsters across America?? Your little "rights" struggles are over! Done, dunzo, finito, Ga-Ga-gonzo!

Oh, wait never mind, you're all still totally screwed, despite Lady Gaga donning a hotttt meat dress, and p-p-p-poking her face all around Maine, trying to convince the last two "moderate" (aka not completely insane) Senator ladies, Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, not to be ignorant homophobic wretches, on the wrong side of equality everything, like the rest of their Grand Obstructionist Party of dinosaurs and elderly Klansmen. But they politely declined!

Ooops, guess crazy really is all the rage these days!

Not even Gaga's sexy steak dress was enough to convince the Bangor Sisters, Susan and Olympia, that indeed gays and lesbians should have as much right to senselessly die in a remote parched desert mountainside as the rest of decent, heterosexual America.

"Equality is the prime rib of America, but because I am gay, I don't get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer," Lady Gaga said, referring to the MTV Video Music Awards dress she wore last week made out of cuts of steak.

"Shouldn't everyone deserve to wear the same meat dress I do?" she said.

Yes, totally! Err, make that everyone who is not a gross gay person! They can have the scraps, or maybe the random discarded bits 'n parts that go into a hotdog. The gays like those, right? I would say lesbians too, but everyone knows dykes despise (man)meat, and much prefer Garden Burgers or Tofu instead. They should probably just go ahead and stick to that Kermit the Frog frock. It is much more their style, being green & vegetarian and all.

Oh yeah, and since when is Lady Gaga g-g-g-g-gay?? We were totally waiting for her to invent a new form of sexuality (steakuality? Bad Romancuality?) instead of declaring herself just another boring, ho-hum homo!

Sorry gays, maybe next year never?

But at least the rest of good, heteroperfect America can sleep soundly knowing that our nation's servicemen will not be secretly servicing one another (or at least not asking or telling anyone about it), for a few more months at the earliest! Phew!!

Thanks to the inability of Democrats to get the 60 votes needed to break a Republican filibuster and keep debate alive on a defense authorization bill — including a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal and the DREAM Act, which would provide a path to citizenship for children of illegal immigrants via military service or higher education — the 17-year-old policy that legally bars gays and lesbians from being their fabulous selves while donning military fatigues and devoting their lives to protecting the very freedom they're denied, will continue indefinitely.

Woohoo! Who needs dumb equality anyway?? Certainly not this country! Not mighty, straight America: Land of the (sort of) free and home of the bravely discriminating against deviant queers for almost two decades. Hooray!

The Senate—leery of being steamrolled into a pre-election vote on abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" before the Pentagon completes its study on the impact of its repeal—decided Tuesday against lifting the 17-year-old law. Senators voted 56-43, failing to get the 60 votes needed to end a Republican filibuster and allow an actual vote on ending the ban.

Republican senators, including Sens. John McCain (AZ) and Susan Collins (ME), argued that passing repeal now would undermine the Defense Department’s review of the policy, which won’t be completed until December.

Repeal supporters believe it will be years before another plausible effort can be mounted to allow openly gay men and women serve in the U.S. military.

Two Democratic senators from Arkansas (where the F else??), Mark Pryor and Blanche Lincoln, voted with Republicans to block the bill, likely because Blanche Lincoln wants her children to remember that she stood firmly against equality just before being soundly defeated in her final, desperate bid for re-election, against whatever even more repulsive, backwards, gay bashing bag of Earl Grey hijacked the GOP nomination now.

Go Blanche! You're an inspiration to all who abandon their principles, still get unceremoniously tossed out by mobs of racist white people, and end up as a big, fat, unemployed loser with nothing but a suspiciously dyke-y haircut to comfort you!

And of course, special kudos to ancient fossil and everyone's favorite bigoted, senile grandfather John McCain, whose tireless efforts to ensure the military is free of terrible gays, and instead filled with convicted felons, repeat offenders, and hotheaded airmen who skillfully crash their planes deep in enemy territory, only to get captured alive and wallow in a Vietnamese prison as a fool-proof(?) plan to get some real political power. By losing various presidential bids, along with his mind, integrity, soul, and tons o' Cindy's money along the way, for freedom!

Yes, the same John McCain who wanted to put FREAKIN' SARAH PALIN in the White House, is concerned that a gay man in uniform could harm the country. But a special needs moose as vice president? Ha ha, no worries! CUNTry first, my friends!

Sure, Gramps McCain might have lost the presidency of the United States, but now Johnny can take solace in the fact that he is still officially President of Keeping America Safe From Gay Troops, though judging by this latest blow (no pun intended), Obama may soon be taking that job, too!

So surely they will vote to pass this when that Pentagon review comes out and says gays should be allowed to serve openly in the military. Right??? Surely! John McCain especially. Someone might need to jog his memory a bit to give the old man a little reminder he already won the Senate election, so no need to morph into whatever racist homophobic nutjob he thinks will help him win in Aryanzona, just like last time.

"One can only draw the conclusion that this is all about elections, not about the welfare, the well-being, the morale and the battle effectiveness of the men and women who are laying it on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan today," McCain said.

Laying it on the line, not taking it from behind, got it all you fags 'n dykes out there, dying and/or translating Arabic before getting dishonorably discharged for not having the decency to the Republican kind of gay: in denial, undercover, or secretly trolling for hot man tail in airport men's rooms only.

Meanwhile, the wonderful straights of this country can take solace in knowing they are still, temporarily, allowed to have sex with one another and serve openly in the military, now that their god-blessed heterosexual marriage is totally less threatened by keeping courageous homos out of Army barracks and back in supply closets & storage containers where they belong.

So remember America: Be all you can be, except who you really are: a disgusting, eternally damned big ball of homosinuality who listens to Lady Gaga, when not destroying the moral fabric of society.

Or better yet why not just require all the gross gays to enlist, ship the whole sick lot of 'em off to Iraq and Afghanistan, so America can once again be the strong, strapping, fiercely hetero nation it strives to be, where a person will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character their partner's genitalia.

Because, here in America, when putting your life on the line to serve your country, the only thing that really matters is that you shoot are straight!

Ga-Ga-got it?

Who The Hell Is 'Orora' & What Has It Done To America's Most Cherished Online Cheerleader Sarah Palin?

Since holding an actual elected position is clearly beneath her Arctic highness Sarah Palin (the only qualified person in America to do anything), perhaps more suited to her "skills" would be to function as an effective wingnut “cheerleader,” based purely on her experience in patriotically quitting the only elected statewide office she's ever held, and brilliantly figuring out how to get knocked up & birth a litter o' precious miracles of God with weirdo, suspiciously liberal names.

Just ask Family Research Council President and last line of defense against the evil scourge of homosinuality threatening to gay (and lesbian) marry our nation's impressionable, confused children, Tony Perkins.

Perkins, in a bit of candor that some conservative leaders don’t always voice, called Palin “a great spokesman” and added that “she says what a lot of people think.”
“But you know a lot of people sometimes realize we shouldn’t say everything we think,” he continued. “Maybe it is that she is more of a cheerleader and one who rallies conservatives together as opposed maybe to being their top choice for president.”

Or, perhaps, in the same vein as the legendary George W. Bush, she could be both the greatest cheerleader and greatest U.S. President, in the history of mankind?

The woman does have a knack for wearin' tight li'l numbers and shrieking senseless, catchy slogans with no real meaning except revvin' up the angry, over-caffeinated, under-educated, old white supremacist crowd.

She's even mastered the art of spewing hateful "cheers" in 140 incoherent characters or less on her favoritest megaphone, the Wasilla World Wide Web!

And by the looks of her latest Mastertweet, somebody (Jesus?) must have informed our prized Snow Drifter that the 'Aurora Borealis' indeed occurs in her Arctic neck of the woods, who in turn, thought, "Golly gee, 'Orora' does sound like a great handle, dontcha know, plus now the lamestream media won't be able to call me dumb anymore, with all this fancy shmancy science-y stuff, oh ya betcha!" Wink, Wink!

Ha ha screw you leetist non-Alaskans with ur I.V. League insistence on korrect spelluns' & Kelsey Grammer rules.

But what exactly does 'Orora' Sarah mean by "my advice for Lisa?" Lisa who? Lisa Simpson? They were in Alaska for their movie. But then again that was back when Sarah was still an unknown nobody with an actual job and responsibilities, not a super-star celebrity somebody whose only employment is duping dumb poor rednecks out of their hard-earned money.

Could she mean Lisa Ling? Perhaps she's confusing Lisa with her other, slightly less-famous journalist sister Laura, who she still mistakenly believes is being held hostage by that crazy midget in the bad Korea?

Hmmm, possibly. Or could Sarah be referring to incumbent Alaskan Sen. Lisa Murkowski, who recently, not very cheerfully, announced (and didn't even chant it in fun, sing-song rhyme!) her independent bid after losing the Republican primary to that faintly-bearded weirdo Teabagger Cub Joe Miller, by swiping at Mama Grizz Sarah by saying, "Perhaps it's one time they met one Republican woman who won't quit on Alaska!"

Hmmm, this is all very confusing! Online cheerleading isn't as easy as it looks!

And what is with the extra period? Are we to assume the .”. symbol is secret Teabagger code only decipherable to non-masturbating witches in Delaware, like Sarah's other adopted grizzly cub, Christine O'Donnell? Yes, that must be it!

Besides, I was always under the impression the preferred bear-reaction advice was "pump as many rounds as humanly possible as quickly and accurately as you can with the largest-caliber weapon at your disposal, while giggling wildly like some deranged cackle of rads."

God, why does this mysterious Orora lady hate everyone's favoritest 2nd Amendment solution??

Ask yourself America, is this really the kind of person/upper atmosphere photon admissions display, we want, no make that need, (cheer)leading our nation in the 21st century?

Gimme a Y!-O!-U! Can I get a B!-E!-T!-C!-H!-A! What does that spell??

GOOOOOOOO GRIZZLIES!!!

The Original Loud Mouth President Of Megaphones, George W. Bush!

Vote Christine O'Donnell For All Your Freaky Faux Feminist, Anti-Masturbation, & Wild Witchcraft Needs!

Open Wide If You're Crazy!

Everyone knows Delaware’s time zone is approximately ten years behind New York (depending on which part of the state you call home), and with its last shining moment coming way back in 1787 as the first state to ratify the Constitution of the United States, it's been pretty much downhill after that.

So it is no surprise that Delaware's latest, greatest contribution to society, Christine O'Donnell, is an adorably attractive, scarily dumb, born again yesterday(?), Jesus-freak with a mid-90s hairdo (a la Jennifer Aniston) and enough hilariously backwards, irrational, comically insane, and mind-blowingly retarded ideas to make Joey Tribbiani and Phoebe Buffay's daily musings at Central Perk look like Einstein's lecture on the Theory of Relativity.

Because much like her own personal hero, professional huckster, Arctic drifter, and petty fame-whore, Sarah Palin, the life of Jesus Christine O'Donnell is too like that of a rotten onion, growing ever more pungent, repulsive, and tear-inducing with every shriveled layer peeled.

"Anywhere you peel back the skin of Sarah Palin’s Christine O'Donnell's life, a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath."

Ah yes, a closer look at this new Sarah Palin-ordained Mama Grizzly spoiled vegetable, from her trademark sexy librarian glasses, cast of 1994 MTV's Real World fashion sense, laundry list of personal & professional failures, inability to formulate coherent thoughts and/or sentences, and frequent tendency to dabble in CRAZY(!), reveals Christine O'Donnell as the newest, hottest, rancid vegetable to spring from the herb 'n spiced wave of caffeinated rage, obesity, and English (Only) Breakfast, cleansing the nation and washing away America's impurities (Queers, Jews 'n Muslims?).

So grab your Gideon bible, strap on your safety belts, fasten your onion-deflective goggles, get your crimping iron, throw on your form-fitting fuchsia blazer (with the shoulder pads!), secure your chastity belt, say some hail Mary's, and get ready to ride the Christine crazy train just like the frat boys over at Fairleigh Dickinson U  used to, when she still masturbated and had fun, before she found the power of Jesus and self-esteem.

So, let's do the time warp again! Cause girls they just wanna have fun!

Like O'Donnell used to back when she was still whorin' around, touchin' herself, pretending to go to college, and Sarah was also still aimlessly drifting, pretending to play the flute in a bikini (for freedom?) as Miss Alaska, err, Miss Runner Up Alaska! And they both had that fabulous Bananarama perm that was all the rage five years earlier, thanks to the danged Delaware/Alaska trendiness time lapse. It's not their fault! Remember things just take a little longer to travel to those corners of civilization...

1. O'Donnell on AIDS.
Ugh, Jesus Christine O'Donnell may not have acquired much knowledge or intelligence while working hard in college pleasuring the entire Farleigh Dickinson swim team, but unlike those perverted drag queens and deviant homosexuals always sticking their willies where they don't belong (inside other men or the palm of their own sick, twisted hand!), her perfectly innocent, pure lifestyle didn't cause her to acquire that awful gay disease AIDS either. So let's stop calling them "victims" shall we? Oh and while we're at it, enough with throwing good government money down the gross gay drain, fighting AIDS and encouraging the use of condoms. If the sodomites didn't want to deal with the consequences of their sinful, lusty "lifestyle," perhaps they should consider being more like Christine and abstain from evil, protected sex outside of marriage and keep their idle devil hands to themselves. Errr, wait, on second thought, that might not be such a good idea after all!

2. O'Donnell on Masturbation.
I'm sure by now you have heard all about the new (self pleasure-free) adventures of old Christine, who may not know a lot of "elitist" things like say the indisputable, scientific proof of evolution (as opposed to the 'Adam's rib' theory), or even any of that hoity-toity Constitution stuff, but there is one thing Miss O'Donnell knows for sure: God does not want you to go poking 'n prodding around "down there" whenever you feel the devil tempting your loins and filling your head with evil lustful SEX thoughts. So back when you were probably rocking Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" and sinfully lusting after megahunk Kirk Cameron, while sporting neon leg warmers, a super cool swatch watch, and over-sized scrunchy in your, at least now thankfully, straight hair, Christine O'Donnell was busy swaying to Joan Osborne's "One Of Us," twirling her thick, still-permed and feathered hair, and yelling about how God reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their “sinful places” down below where magic Jesus makes the miracles come from because, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust!"

Or hands either, Christine! Don't forget about those hands!

Besides it's like Christine says, "If he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, than why am I in the picture?"

Ummm, because as far as we can tell, his mouth can't reach that far, now can it, Christine?

3. O'Donnell on Britney Spears and Madonna.
"I think people like Britney Spears have been irresponsible," O'Donnell told Fox News shortly after the pop stars exchanged a kiss during a performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. "Well, I feel sorry for both of them. Madonna is a middle-aged woman who is trying to hold on to her youth. And Britney is super star who is trying to hold on to her popularity. That's why they're playing games and doing gimmicks."

Unlike Madame Christine, who reserves using games and gimmicks when doing unimportant, trivial things, like trying to win a Senate race by tossing out tens of thousands of two-ounce suntan lotion packets affixed with the clever slogan: "Don’t Get Burned By Higher Taxes. Vote Christine O’Donnell 2008" at various local parades, as a sure-fire way to capture the people's heart. Don't think Snooki's gonna like that too much, though, Christine!

Besides, unlike those two pop star floozies, Britt and Madonna, Christie isn't trying to hold onto anything (she didn't have much of a brain to begin with), but especially not her special private place of sin.

"And you can tell that Britney Spears is struggling with who she is. I think she has a team of agents and managers who are saying, yes, push the envelope, kiss Madonna, take off all your clothes. And she's doing that because she doesn't want to sacrifice this enormous platform that she's built. But at the same time, she is sacrificing herself and you can see that in her eyes when she talks."

No, that's just the drugs, Christine, just the drugs. It's Coke, not faux lesbian kisses, that tend to do that to a person's eyes. Jeez, Chirstine! You would think that as someone who has "dabbled in the art of witchcraft" would have some idea about sacrifices, or at the very least, be able to wiggle her nose and magically make her opponent turn into a bag of Earl Grey or whatever, before hopping on her broomstick and flying off into the night towards Washington, DC. Poof!

4. O'Donnell on Feminism.
Asked if she considered herself a feminist, O'Donnell batted her perfectly mascaraed eyes and said, "Absolutely, but let me qualify that--I consider myself an authentic feminist. Not as defined by the modern movement. And, let me clarify that a little bit more. I was an English major, so break it down: -ist means one who celebrates. As a feminist, I celebrate my femininity."

Perfect! Now be a muffin, zip those pretty red lips, put on something tight 'n cute, and go fetch me dinner, got it, sweet tits?

And while your at it take off your bra, since you're soooooo liberated, and go bounce around for me!

5. O'Donnell on Psychics.
"Psychics exploit the human beings natural desire that longs for something higher," O'Donnell said on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect in October 2001. "The same way a pimp exploits the natural desire to be with the opposite sex...psychics put people in spiritual harm, the same way pimps put people in physical harm."

Oh, Christine! Are you confusing Miss Cleo with E=MC² again?? How many times do we have to tell you? One wears a rhinestone-studded muumuu, rainbow headdress, and operates a 1-800 pay-per-call psychic hotline, while the other one dons a white lab coat, obligatory, sophisticated mustache, and decoded how the entire Universe operates. Remember, it's physics (and science!) you have problem with, not psychics (and quack ladies dressed as Shaman Erykah Badu's reading off of Tarot cards), capisce?

6. O'Donnell on Nude Sunbathing.
"I mean, it is very difficult, I'm sure, for a man to sit there and stare at his girlfriend naked and not want to go a little bit further," Christine explained on an Aug. 23, 2000 Fox News segment, "Should Sunbathing in Buff be Banned Altogether?"

Oh silly girl! Don't think for one minute that you, a simple, sensitive, needy woman knows the first thing about what a big, strapping, capable, intelligent, strong man thinks. 

Besides, watch what you say now, Christine, lest someone doesn't mind sounding like a total lezzie on national TV!

7. O'Donnell on Obama.
"He's soooo liberal. He's anti-American," said O'Donnell. "He's beating the 'change' drum. But let's look at the change. He did not vote for English as the official language. What does that say?"

OMG!! Only that he is 100% (wait, is that like the most?), without a doubt, a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kenya! That or he already has a solid command of the English language, and it doesn't even involve winkin', consonant-droppin', or making up awesome words like "refudiate," thank you very much! (Still, probably the first though!)

8. O'Donnell on the Gay Pride Parade.
"Well, I know that the one here in Los Angeles, there was S&M going on. There was mocking sodomy, mocking, you know, all kinds of crude sexual acts," O'Donnell told Fox News in 2000. "Because -- because authorities were too afraid to be called, quote, unquote, 'homophobic' because these homosexual special rights groups do get away with [anything]."

Ugh, they sure do, don't they?

Except of course the same constitutional guarantees as everyone else, the right to serve (and die!) in the U.S. military, get married, have visitation and hospital rights with their loved ones, adopt children throughout all 50 states, receive the same benefits as married heterosexual couples, not get routinely discriminated in the workplace, have their lifestyles constantly used as political footballs, become Catholic priests, and if Montana and Texas have their way, also the right to have deviant gay sex, too!

I mean what's next? The Gays will actually be allowed to be who they are?? Gross. Heaven forbid!

9. O'Donnell on Middle Earth.
"You see Tolkien's wisdom applied to just about everything: Tolkien and communism, Tolkien and industrialization," O'Donnell said, speaking of author J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" series in December 2003. "In researching this topic I even found a book on Tolkien and sexual fetishes."

OMG, quick, burn it now before the Devil gets out and starts having his lustful, deviant way with you!

O'Donnell said it was "surprising, then, especially in today's very hyper-sensitive, post-Gloria Steinem world, that there's such a lack of commentary on Tolkien and women...Is it that people assume that women don't have an interest in Tolkien?" she asked.

Ummm, (Middle) Earth to Christine!  Everyone knows you don't need to be literate to whip up a good pot roast! Use your head, woman!

Naturally, über-feminist Christine dismisses the notion that Tolkien should have written more about the females in the book, saying that the books "were written from a hobbit's perspective" and that if the film changed what was in the books it would "severely take away from the film's legitimacy."

Ugh, no-good women are always delegitimizing men with their silly nurture, compassion, and sad, li'l tear-filled eyes, aren't they? It's enough to make you want to puke all over their soft, perfume-scented skin, isn't it!?

Just look what the ol' estrogen-filled weaklings did to America's once-mighty military!

“By integrating women into particularly military institutes, it cripples the readiness of our defense,” O’Donnell said, arguing that West Point “has had to lower their standards...in order for men and women to compete.”

So true! I mean just look what one of these dumb bitches did to the Senate elections in Delaware! Now instead of a good, decent, capable MAN, by the name of Mike Castle, gunning for Joe Biden's old seat, the state is left with a special needs Jesus witch who believes scientific cloning, not the cartoon network, is responsible for mice with fully functioning human brains, Joe Biden and other political opponents are "hiding in the bushes," (I should certainly hope not "her bushes!"), and hasn't gotten laid in twenty years.

Oooh, progress sure is crazy, isn't it? Even better when you throw a tight, sexy, li'l black dress on it, toss on the stiletto pumps, add some nice color to those drab, natural lips and cheeks, have it constantly talk about naughty sex and masturbation, and parade it in front of every fat, horny, drunk slob in a Jesus-Saves T-Shirt with a beer in one hand and a big, hard stick in the other.

A voting lever, you sickos!

Americans (Reluctantly) Decide Gays Can Be Families Too...Even If They're Probably Going To Burn In Eternal Hell

Congratulations, nation! A new poll finds that a majority of Americans now think same-sex couples with children and married gays without kids (or the blessings of the Lord?) should count as "a family."

Not everyone, though! Not everyone is convinced that a committed relationship between two men or two women (gasp!) is as God-blessed, pure, and equal as say, Brittney and K-Fed's (or any other backup dancer/bodyguard who impregnated her along the way) sacred shotgun wedding in Vegas. Or even any of Newt Gingrich's three blissful unions following adulterous affairs and the very honorable abandoning of whichever ol' wifey is laid up in a hospital bed recovering from cancer now.

So, still got a ways to go. But still! Sometimes counting as a family is a big step up from being moral fabric-destroying hedonists who eat children for breakfast not rear them as their own, and whose deviant lifestyles cause Hurricanes to hit New Orleans and commercial airliners to smash into New York City, because God is not some hippie-dippie arugula-eating liberal with the crazy idea that providing a loving and stable home is more important than having the proper penis-vagina ratios. Sickos!

Of course, gay or straight, you're not a real family unless you have at least one li'l precious miracle of God to show for. These are the rules of American domesticity!

So let's remember:

Gays and straights with at least one kid = Family.
Gays and straights with no kids = A Couple (albeit an inferior & gross, or suspiciously heartless one, respectively).

Invite a friend to comment

“This is not because more people are gay now than in 2003,” says Brian Powell, a sociology professor at Indiana University, and lead author of the study. “This indicates a more open social environment in which individuals now feel more comfortable discussing and acknowledging sexuality. Ironically with all the antigay initiatives, all of a sudden people were saying the word ‘gay’ out loud. Just the discussion about it made people more comfortable.”

Ooooh, hopefully just comfortable enough to muster up the courage to go out and vote against the terrible gays (and lezzies!) for making them decidedly uncomfortable in their quest to destroy American society as we know it, and ruin the sanctity of quickie weddings by an Elvis impersonator in a run-down Casino-Chapel off the Vegas strip.

According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz of the Council on Contemporary Families, “Americans seem to be open to seeing same-sex couples with children as families, even while they hesitate to recognize their unions as marriage."

I mean let's not get crazy here! It is only 2010...

So, umm, go gays!? You've finally made it into America's definition of family, along with creepy uncles, know-it-all, homely aunts, drunk mothers, and absent fathers! Hooray!

Even if you're still considered less part of the family than Champ & Whiskers, the resident dog and cat.

David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, said he was not surprised by the findings.

“I like the standard definition of family: two or more persons related by blood, marriage or adoption. Keeps it simple and coherent.”

But, he added: “We live in groups, and we need each other. So it’s always a good thing, isn’t it, when any of us truly loves and is loved by another.”

Eh, only if Jesus, the elderly, the bigoted gun nut next door, and all the closeted homosexual Republicans secretly trolling for hot man tail while voting against them terrible queers, say so!

Delaware's O'Donnell Disaster Doesn't Believe In Masturbation Or Climate Change, Just The Power Of The Lord, Sarah Palin, To Make Her Senator

Rep. Mike Castle (R-DE) Stands Alone

Eh, now turns out Castle's actually not standing at all anymore, thanks to Sarah Palin endorsed doomed candidate and anti-masturbation crusader Christine O' Donnell, the born again, slightly less adorable, substantially more crazy hell version of that cute Circle of Friends/Scent of a Woman actor with the same namesake minus the "tine," who defeated (Teabagged?) longtime Delaware congressman, moderate Rep. Mike Castle to claim the Republican Senate nomination, as the Party's biggest mistake since that snow bunny Sarah first sleighed her way into our hearts and unleashed a Celestial Seasonings Tsunami upon the unsuspecting nation. Hooray!

Thank you, Abstinence Jeebus!

Because now with the woman who puts the "Christ" in "Christine" and uses the power of the Lord to conquer the lustful sin of masturbation, O'Donnell in, and Mike Castle out, the Democrats are poised to snag Joe Biden’s old Senate seat, previously considered a Republican lock right from the GOP's pure, masturbation-free hands!

But that's not all! No sir-ee!

Now that the moderate, intelligent, long-serving, mentally sane Republican Mike Castle has been unceremoniously tossed out of Delaware by pitchfork wielding patriots, in favor of a perennially-losing trainwreck with nice tits, no qualifications, and a laundry list of crazy-as-a-motherf**ker moments, there is not a single Republican candidate for Senate left who believes in human-caused climate change or supports action to limit global warming pollution. Yay!

I repeat: With the sole Republican believer in global warming, Mike Castle, now officially Teabagged out of the race, there is not a single candidate left on the GOP slate (vying for one of the 37 Senate seats in 2010) who actually believes in climate change as a real, powerful threat the United States must act to combat or face disastrous global consequences.

You betcha!!

Even previously sane, former Republican climate advocates Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) have decided to toss their brains, along with their souls, out of the Overton Window, and join the rest of the Grand Old Pretenders who know that global warming is nothing more than an elitist conspiracy between hippie dippie liberals and the entire international scientific community to keep Real Americans from drilling baby drilling America's once-pristine, water-based coastal shores into deliciously lucrative (albeit toxic) oil & dead wildlife-filled wastelands, like God intended.

I mean, if He cared about polar bears soooooo much, maybe He should have made 'em a little less choosy, and a little more suited to assembly line work in Indonesia. Hmmm, ever think about that, ya spoiled, ungrateful Arctic brats!

But inhabitable Earth or not, Christine O' Donnell is accepting her nomination and has all the best people in America to thank: the 9/12 nuts, Teabaggers, the Tea Party Express, Birthers, Oathers, Truthers, and the rest of Real, Normal Americans who know God created the world in six days, rested on the seventh, and reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their "sinful place" down there where babies are made.

Here's a quick review of Christine O’Donnell’s fantastic nuttiness, from Reason‘s Michael C. Moynihan:

"And the intellectual case against O’Donnell is overwhelming. A précis for those who have avoided the Delaware drama: O’Donnell lied about attending a Master’s degree program at Princeton University; claimed that her political enemies are creeping in the bushes outside her house; is opposed to the sinister habit of masturbation; is a supporter of the “ex-gay” movement, despite the inconvenient revelation that her former staffer Wade Richards “returned” to homosexuality and denounced those peddling “cures” for his sexuality; filed a $6 million lawsuit against the conservative group ISI for “gender discrimination”; was denounced by her former campaign manager as a “fraud” who uses campaign donations to pay rent and utility bills; and has implied that her Republican opponent is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that."(Except, of course, the vengeful wrath of God and eternal damnation come Judgment Day, but other than that, okie dokie!)

And that's only the tip of the iceberg, or shall I say, magic cone of frozen Jesus tears, for the lovely, chronically unemployed Sarah Palin II, Christine O' Donnell, lover of God, Country, Morality, and of course, like her mentor, "sexy librarian" glasses, local news anchor hair-helmet, and obligatory '80s style color blazer complete with shoulder pads.

She's so good, decent, and pure, she wouldn't even lie to protect Jews (wait, those are the horned ones right?) during World War II (“Anne Frank? Oh, you mean that girl that lives in the attic?”) because “deception” is immoral. Either way, it’s a moot question, O’Donnell says, because “God would provide a way to do the right thing,” save for His li'l 4-year Spring Break between the years 1941-1945, when y'all were on your own, and it was every mortal for himself, while El Savior got drunk, tan, and laid on a beach in Daytona.

And now that she’s an official Sarah Palin Teabagger clone, O’Donnell doesn’t “believe” in anything either 'cept bein' on the teevee, and wearing the official Mama Grizzly uniform, right down to the winkin' sexy 'stead of speakin' sensey!

At this point, voting GOP is like voluntarily throwing yourself, and your family, in front of a fast moving train. Then again, if people don't vote for the clinically insane Grand Ol' Frauds, Sharron Angle will be forced to use second amendment remedies, and her special ability to turn-incestuously raped-and-impregnated-teenage-girl lemons-into-refreshingly-zesty-lemon-meringue-pie to fix the situation. After all, it is God's plan, that the Republicans Teabaggers be in power.

While it's true that some Tea Party-backed Senate candidates — like Marco Rubio in Florida and Rand Paul in Kentucky — have more than a decent shot to actually win their races, sadly the same cannot be said for Ms. Jesus Christine O' Donnell.

As New York Times blogger and stats wizard Nate Silver points out:

"While Mr. Rubio has charisma (that winning wingnut smile!), and Mr. Paul has the advantage of running in a state in which President Obama (and also black people & civil rights) is very unpopular, neither of those advantages would hold for someone like Ms. O’Donnell, whose nomination would represent a clear setback for Republican chances of taking over the Senate. But few voters in either party seem in much mood for measuring their risk."

HAHA, risk, what risk? There's no risk when it's God's plan that the inmates take over the asylum!

Traitor Joe Lieberman Will Heroically Stand With Republicans To Fight For Rich People's Right Not To Pay Normal, Poor People Taxes

Permanent droopy faced Downercraticandipendent Sen. Joe Lieberman never met a terrible idea he didn't love, or missed the chance to play spoiler and screw everyone over on some important issue or another. It's his raison d'être!

When you're the intentionally annoying, token backstabbing leper, unwelcome in either party, you do whatever you can to stay relevant, in the hopes of once again feeling the shiny, warm gaze of the media's spotlight as its luxurious heat spreads throughout your frail limbs, filling the cold empty vacuum where a heart should be.

Which is why Traitor Joe couldn't wait to announce his awesome plans to do "everything I can" to stop Democrats from allowing Bush's upper-class tax cuts for the obscenely rich to expire, because haven't America's heirs and barons been through enough already? I mean it's bad enough they can't even prance around in diamonds and furs, toss $100 dollar bills into the air and laugh at the gross poors scrambling around below for sport, without feeling all weird and self-conscious anymore!

Ummm, there goes the neighborhood!

But does "everything I can" include stomping on the poor, unemployed, or otherwise downtrodden, while spitting in the face of average, hardworking blue-collar Americans in order to achieve this end?

Ha ha, only if he's lucky, my friends!

Naturally, Republicans would like nothing more than to extend all of the Bush tax cuts forever, because why on God's no longer Green Earth would the federal government need to fund itself? Sure, we're already an embarrassingly broke nation, and permanently extending Bush's tax cuts would result in a $3 to $4 trillion loss of revenue, but isn't that why ol' Georgey planted all those money trees behind the White House in the first place?

The flippin' cowboy genius!

Not surprisingly, arugula-eating, Socialist comrade Barack Obama only wants to extend, at least for a few years, tax cuts for the pesky, disappearing middle class, while ending the cuts on the top two brackets: reverting the 33% one back to 36%, and the top 35% one to 39.6%.

But apparently letting the $1.3 trillion Bush tax cuts on the richest human beings in world history expire and return to their slightly higher Clinton-era rates is considered very controversial in Washington, DC!

Even some Republicans like tanning bed salesman and Snooki's older brother, John Boehner, made the grave mistake of admitting that, given a choice between extending the tax cuts just for people who are less than very, very rich and no tax cuts at all, he would choose the former. Which, unlike everything else Republican leaders have said over the past couple of years, doesn't make less sense than one of Sarah Palin's tweets about "cackles of rads" and "cake inks."

Well this does not bode well with the rest of the Grand Ol' Patriots, and even some pseudo Democrats like ol' Joe Lieberman and Ben 'Nebraska' Nelson, who would simply prefer to hold hostage tax relief for 98 percent of the American people, in order to get (desperately needed) tax breaks for the top 2 percent, like say each and every 'illionaire in Congress!

Leave it to the lame, poor-loving Democrats to even so much as question why the richest of the rich need to keep their tax cuts!

Helloooooo?? Sure, the Wall Street titans, corporate CEOs, and banking executives did cause this whole recession thing, what with their predatory lending, and reckless bundling of toxic assets passed off as good investments not piles of hot garbage, which is why we, the American taxpayers, need to protect them from all this terrible damage they brought upon themselves!

How dare we ask our precious rich citizens to contribute as much to big, bad government as they did before El Savior George W. Bush came into office??

"When you have a huge national debt, when you have people who are unemployed, need to get to work, you do not -- not this year, not next year or the following year -- give tax breaks to millionaires or billionaires," said Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT). "That is obscene to my mind...I will do my best to defeat that proposal."

Ha, what a typical Socialist thing to say, Bernie! What's next, a national Give-Your-Gucci-To-A-Poor-Day?

But the big question remains, whatever will Congress do now? Since it is far more likely that dinosaurs come waltzing across the congressional floor than Democrats and Republicans actually coming to some sort of agreement before the deadline, all rates will go up this January, and Democrats will naturally be attacked for "raising taxes," or "destroying the suddenly-robust economy" or whatever.

Recently departed Obama budget director Peter Orszag believes he has the answer, which elitists can find in the Commie rag The New York Times:

In the face of the dueling deficits, the best approach is a compromise: extend the tax cuts for two years and then end them altogether. Ideally only the middle-class tax cuts would be continued for now. Getting a deal in Congress, though, may require keeping the high-income tax cuts, too. And that would still be worth it.

Why does this combination make sense? The answer is that over the medium term, the tax cuts are simply not affordable. Yet no one wants to make an already stagnating jobs market worse over the next year or two, which is exactly what would happen if the cuts expire as planned.

OMG, like totally! Because everyone knows tax cuts for the richest folks will definitely create more jobs....in China.

But then there's still the other little issue of putting this off until the presidential election season, when Democrats will suddenly have grown some balls, and certainly be willing to let all of the cuts expire, especially with a huge election on the line.

Much better to just keep kicking this can down the road, as far as it will go, indefinitely. If you're really lucky, eventually it might just pass through your trailer park or tent city.

Better yet, why not just kick Congress down the road, and let them expire instead?

Problem solved!

Schemes From My Father: Newt Gingrich Knows Those Who "Understand" Obama Are Nothing More Than Radical, Kenyan Anti-Colonialists

Actual insane person and amphibeous swamp dweller Newt Gingrich has been searching all weekend for something, anything, to make himself finally look relevant again, ever since his crusade against Oval Office blow jobs came to a screeching halt back in 1999, when some dude with silver hair and a weird name singing about women's thongs ruled the charts, and some dude with white hair and a weird name preaching about presidents catching some under-the-table-love was on his way out of ruling the House.

So, like any washed up, power hungry, (ego)maniac desperately clinging to the glory days of the past, cute-as-a-salamander Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich delved deep into the internets, taking a break from his usual browsing of various dating sites for "new young women without cancer for affairs and maybe more," to seek the holy grail of demented Obama lies in the form of an obscure Forbes magazine article written by none other than esteemed right-wing nutjob andtoken, self-hating, brown, immigrant Republican, Dinesh D’Souza, to prove to America, once and for all, the real truth about a one Barack Hussein Obama/Barry Soetero.

But just what are these startling new facts unearthed by Dinesh D'Souza (the kind of dark person from another country you can trust, if you hate dark people from other countries) that 2012 GOP hopeful and newfound historian/scholar/journalist Newt Gingrich is calling "the most profound insight I have read in the last six years about Barack Obama." Oooh, sounds promising!

Drum roll please!

Barack Obama's central motivation is to weaken America, viewing it as an evil colonial power: "Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son."

Did you hear that, people? Barack Obama is ruining America in order to realize the socialist, anti-colonialist dreams of his drunk-driving, wife-beating polygamist African old man (who he barely knew), Barack Hussein Obama, Sr.,whose absence defined his young life more than anything else, en route to fulfilling the actual, not pulled out of Dinesh D'Souza's ass, dreams of his father to promote "a reformist accommodation and cooperation with the West, and do away with what he considered Kenya's flawed socialist economic model."

If you're the type of perosn who is blown away by utter and total nonsense culled from the possibly syphilitic-brain of Birthers and other raging madmen, then like Newton, you also probably find yourself asking this serious follow-up question:

"What if [Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?" Gingrich asks. "That is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior."

Well, the correct answer is clearly YES, based on the enlightened findings of the same foreigny-named wingnut who helped us understand that 9/11 is the fault of the "cultural Left," whose deviant lifestyle of homosinuality, abortion, and equality for women understandably repulses the good, decent, moral Islamic extremists who, as a result, rightfully plowed two planes into the Twin Towers to show the world their contempt for impure societies that refuse to behead/stone to death/pour acid on disobediant women and children. Duh!

But just what does this mean for the rest of us who happen to actually comprehend Obama's position on things? Well, according to Newt logic, we must all be rabid Kenyan anti-colonialists, fulfilling the deviant wishes of our Luo tribesman fathers.

Of course, some people in America may be upset to learn that by voting for Obama Junior-Senior-Squire-Lawyer-Community Organizer-Radical Black Panther-Patron Saint of Socialism, two years ago and/or supporting policies like affordable health care, tax cuts for those besides oil shieks and companies that Dick Cheney chairs, spending money on education and infrastructure not endless wars on whims or double dares, and equality for those not just white, over the age of 60, and lounging in retimerment/gated communities in Florida or Arizona, wearing too-tight swimming trunks up to their man breasts and a beer belly as a badge of courage, then you too have fallen victim to the transcontinental conspiracy known simply as Barry or B. Hussein Jr/Sr(?), depending on which fringe segment of the population your 2012 hopes are contingent upon pandering to.

“I think he worked very hard at being a person who is normal, reasonable, moderate, bipartisan, transparent, accommodating — none of which was true,” Gingrich continues. “In the [Saul] Alinksy tradition, he was being the person he needed to be in order to achieve the position he needed to achieve …. He was authentically dishonest.”

Oooh, good thing, in addition to being the thrice-married, twice divorced, multi-adulterous, toxic slime covered expert on 'authentic dishonesty,' Newt Gingrich also happens to be the world's sole authority on curing the increasingly virulent Kenyan anti-colonialist disease rampaging from coast to coast these days.

To repair your brain's ability to separate actual facts from the deranged rantings of a demagogue's corroded mind and restore your God-given, Red, White, 'N Blue, Family Values American sensibilities, all you need to do is elect Newt as President of Life, err make that Everything, come 2012.

It's as easy as one, two, three cheating on your cancer stricken wife!

Polls Show Americans Don't Know What The Hell They Want, Except Both Parties To Kindly F-Off!

Ugh, like make up your mind already, America! Last week, Democrats were supposed to be on their Obama-made(?) death beds after a generic Gallup poll showed Republicans taking a record-setting 10-point lead, putting them in prime position to retake the House of Representatives and enact all of the fabulous ideas they've had, like ummm, sending the Mexicans and A-rabs back to Mexicanland or Arabia or whatever it is that scary dark people (like Obama!) come from. Hmmm, Kendonesia?

Republicans also had the advantage in voter enthusiasm (these 'baggers are super psyched to vote!), what with the recent Glenn Beckapalooza where obese wheelchair-bound patriots motor-scooted around the National Mall lugging coolers of lard and waving American flags to express their love of deep fried freedom. Not to mention the always exciting Koran-burning bonfires to demonstrate their Grand Ol' love of country using Nazi tactics, waving "Obamar is a Muslin" signs, and shrieking about how Blacky NObama is destroying America by helping the gross poors not die in the streets.

But noooooooo. All of a sudden, in the very same poll this week, the two parties are suddenly tied??

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get your story straight America! Unless someone doesn't mind looking all wishy-washy gay like!

I mean it's not that hard...which one are you?? Are you some elitist, Socialist, queer, poor 'n Mexican loving loser Democrat schlub who believes in silly things like equality and justice, or are you a strong, strapping white male with a Jesus saves T-shirt, .45 magnum in your pocket, and Caucasian chip on your broad, massive shoulder, who thinks making America great means shipping out NObama and anyone else whose skin color is not beautiful milky white, and leadership consists of more than shocking and awing the sh*t out of poor, desert countries, for like freedom, fun, 'n oil?

Cause otherwise, you, America, run a serious risk of being some fickle diva, not knowing what the hell you're talking about, unless it has to do with dancing in a strippers outfit with B-list Stars on ABC or fat orange dwarfs, drinking, sexting, and licking some dude's "Situation" on the Jersey Shore.

Or even worse, people might start getting the idea that you are actually, dare I say, Bi(partisan)-curious?

But either way, most of this whole 'politics' stuff, by which I of course mean government generally not working at all, except when it comes to smart bombing civilians in faraway Muslimy sounding places and/or fleecing the poor to give to give tax breaks to the rich, will remain the same. Amen!

Yay for Freedom, Yay for America! Praise Jeebus! USA! USA! USA!

Isn't Democracy just the bestest?

Oh, you betcha!

Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin Know The Best Way To Honor 9/11 Victims Is To Score As Much Dirty, Sexy Money Off The Poor Schmucks As Possible!

In "honor" of the thousands of innocent American civilians murdered nine years ago, on that fateful autumn day in 2001, überpatriots Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck will be a holding their own personal 9/11 event in Alaska to "honor" their own uncanny ability to dupe the dumb public into pouring moose piles of dirty money into their already fat, overstuffed, blood-soaked coffers. For freedom!

That's right! For just the bargain basement rate of 2,977 murdered souls, plus between $73.75 and $225 for entry, you too can watch Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin weep faux tears for the fallen and real tears (of joy!) for themselves in their their latest, greatest(!) get-rich-quick scheme to steal money from everyday, hardworking men & women, and honor the nation by dishonoring all those who tragically lost their lives in the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history. Hooray!

Because this 9/11 rally is very much for-profit! Oh, you betcha!

These two gutless swindlers are charging up to $225 for entry, with the most expensive tickets offering a "meet and greet." There will be a bar, too! You just have to get the "wet" section tickets.

Disclaimer: Beck will likely not be in the "wet" section lest he fall from Jesus-blessed grace and return to his bumbling, boozy ways of acting like an inebriated buffoon....He can do that all by himself, without the help of alcohol now, thank you very much!

And if that weren't reason enough, as of now, no charity has been named to receive the proceeds, which means every dripping red cent will go straight to our own twin towers of freedom and real American heroes of 9/11 Glenn Lee Beck and Sarah Louise Palin. Yay!

Alaska-area promoter Christopher Cox said the date of the event is a coincidence. Cox originally was eyeing Sept. 4, but did not want to compete with the Alaska State Fair, and moved the date to a week later, which worked out better for Beck as well.
"And you know what, it's a great date for me, for America, for Alaska," Cox said.

Oooooh, so it's just a coincidence that it's on 9/11?? Just like Glenny's coincidental KKK "Restoring Honor" rally for invalid obese people on the very location and day as Martin Luther King's almost-as-historic "I Have A Dream" Speech or say, that oddly coincidental Independence Day celebration that freakishly falls on July 4, of all dates!

And to think, I simply thought since the anniversary of the death of the 2,977 innocent men and women incinerated in a fiery blaze of metal, steel, and jet fuel is such a wonderful moment for America, those two li'l angels from heaven simply couldn't resist! Besides, can you really blame Sarah & Glenn (Glarah) for not wanting to compete with the State Fair, of Alaska?? I know I wouldn't. So, they'll just compete with the 9/11 victims instead. Dead people don't tend to cause too much trouble, anyway!

Which is good because I know at least two people who have some serious blood money to make! We're talking an absolute killing! Metaphorically speaking of course! After all, they wouldn't want to offend anyone or anything. Except maybe their sensibilities. Which isn't worth much anyway.

Grab your "wet" tickets, put on your finest Star Spangled jumpsuit and head due North to ol' Anchorage, Alaska to celebrate(?) 9/11 in Teabaggin' style...at the Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin "Accidental, Coincidental Circus Spectacular, The Greatest Show On Earf!"

***Act Now! Because the first 500 patriots get a 100% authentic Koran for the post-show special, "Sean Hannity Presents: Bonfire of the Vanities--The Devil Wears Burka, A Tribute To 9/11," holy book burning bonanza, at no extra cost!***

With all the smoke and insanity, it'll be like 9/11 all over again! Minus Rudy Giuliani.

Getcha popcorn ready...Freedom will never be the same again!