Nobody Knows How To Shake Up, Dumb Down, Or Screw Over An Election Quite Like South Carolina!

Well done, South Carolina, well done! You have surpassed even the lowest, most pathetic expectations to solidify a sullied hallowed place in South Carolina's great political hall of shame.

This is no small feat! Especially in good ol' South Carolina, where Republican governors hike Appalachian Trails to wild extra-marital sex with hot Argentine mistresses, sexy Republican gubernatorial hopefuls bang bloggers, political rivals, and basically anyone who is not their husband, and of course, unemployed, accused sex offenders who may or may not be mentally retarded win Democratic Senate primaries. Hooray!

So, sorry Texas, Arizona, Alabama, and the rest of the red-headed stepstates whose valiant efforts to oust North Carolina's parasitic twin from its well-earned perch high atop the nut tree as the undisputed king of the crazies fell just a wee bit short.

Oh, South Carolina you make us proud! No one waltzes in and steals your dysfunctional thunder without putting up a fight first. They've get pride, people!

So much pride in fact, that they happily elect an unemployed black man with zero political experience, still living with his 81-year-old father, whose ability to actually sign up for an election, pay the $10,000 fee, and have his name come first on the ballot was more than enough to dazzle the voters.

This is the irresistible charm of South Carolina, my friends!

According to the AP:

"Greene stunned state Democratic Party leaders by winning the nomination. He raised no money and put up no campaign website. He beat former four-term state lawmaker Vic Rawl, 64, who had raised about $186,000 and had to abruptly scrap a late-week fundraiser for the fall."

"Alvin Greene says he’s a 13-year veteran of both the Army and the Air Force, but he’s been out of the military and unemployed since last year."

Not to mention, that sentence is far more coherent than anything Greene has actually been quoted as saying, because there is serious suspicion that the poor fellow is indeed brain damaged. And not a metaphorical "crazy," like Kentucky fried wingnut Rand Paul, but more like his brain is damaged, medically.

Sort of like how in movies, the bad guys find some dumb borderline-retarded schmuck to do their dirty work, and someone says the obligatory line, "He's so stupid. He's perfect." or "It's so crazy, it just might work!" while fiendishly rubbing their hands together.

Well, in this case, just substitute "movies" for "South Carolina" and "token loser/lovable Lenny-type" with real-life lovable loser Alvin Greene.

"I'm the Democratic Party nominee," Greene said in an interview at his father's home on a lonely stretch of rural highway in central South Carolina. "The people have spoken. The people of South Carolina have spoken. The people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro-South Carolina. The people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro-South Carolina."

Wait, what?!? Err, oh, nevermind. Does it even matter anyway?

Yeah, so Greene was also "involuntarily" honorably discharged from the army (not sketchy at all) and recently arrested and charged with a felony charge of obscenity for creeping out some college chick with porno pics and an unwelcome invite to accompany her back to her dorm like the true South Carolina sex offender gentleman he is.

Naturally, when asked by reporters about the sex-creep felony charges he faces, Greene hung up the phone. Dude's one smooooooth operator.

But either way, speculation continues regarding how this guy, who possesses neither a computer nor a cell phone, nor apparently the ability to formulate so much as a single coherent sentence suddenly morphs into a supernatural ELECTION-WINNING MACHINE, capturing over 100,000 votes.

Even if they were just South Carolina votes.

So, of course a lot of folks assume that he's some kind of plant by the Republican Party, which seems insane, or at least as insane as a 32-year-old unknown unemployed veteran, both incoherent and obviously incompetent, who made no campaign appearances, has no campaign organization and mysteriously paid the $10,400 filing fee out of his own pocket was able to handily defeat his much more-qualified opponent by no less than 16 points.

How this happened exactly (foul play, his name starting with A, South Carolina being well, South Carolina?) is unclear. What is clear, is that however way he won, Alvin Greene put as little effort into it as possible.

Imagine what he could have done if he had even so much as tried to win.

Just think of the possibilities if Greene had taken his platform of shoving porn in college girls' faces directly to the good people of South Carolina!

Why, his margin of victory could have been off-the-charts, of almost mythical proportion! The dude could have been legendary. Like $arah Palin legendary, even!

If not convicted and put in prison before the general election (keep your fingers crossed!), Alvin Greene will face incumbent wingnut Republican Senator Jim DeMint in November, where he will almost certainly lose by some stunningly humiliating margin, like any actual Democratic, carbon-based being not named Jim DeMint would.

Unless, all Greene needs to do is sign up for an election to win it.

Then perhaps Jim DeMint should be worried.

Does South Carolina have a place in its heart for a young, black, inexplicably unemployed, possibly perverted shut-in of mysterious origins with no political experience or actual knowledge we can discern, who might also be mentally retarded?

Hell, do you even have to ask? This is South Carolina, y'all!!!!!!

$arah Palin Has Had Quite Enough Of This "Boobgate" Scandal She's Always Not Talkin' 'Bout!

"Nooo, I have not had implants. I think a report like that is about as real and truthful that Todd and I are divorcing or that I bought a place in the Hamptons or that Trig is not my own child. And we still put up with that garbage, too."-- Sarah Palin

Hot stinkin' garbaaaage that Little Miss $arah simply needn't so much as mention, it's so petty and insignificant in the scheme of things!

But since you asked, Greta Van Susteren, and I love you for that, because you're not afraid to ask "the questions," and even though you think my husband is hot as hellfire, and would bang him in a heartbeat, I could never disappoint a fellow Fox News feminist just tryin' to keep the lamestream media on their toes.

So, in lieu of the usual vile, incoherent Facebook spew or 140 character Twittery cheers about how boobie talk demeans women, much like the choice to murder miracles of drunken regret God, the world famous moose hunter and Arctic swindler, $arah Louise Palin will bring the never-before-heard truth behind the week's hottest, new scandal made all cute and adorable by shoving gate at the end: the one, the only, incredible "Boobgate" saga.

VAN SUSTEREN: You know, it’s sort of interesting, Governor. I’ll take a bet with you. Maybe you won’t take this bet with me. But the last segment, we discussed policy. I asked about energy policy since energy is so important to your home state of Alaska. My guess is this next question I’m going to ask you, which is the buzz of the Internet, it’s in mainstream media — I bet it gets more attention than our discussion about energy. So here it is. Breast implants! Did you have them or not? Because that’s all over the Internet about you, and mainstream media.

PALIN: Well, first, Greta, you know why we love you? Because you’re not afraid to ask the questions. And I got to respect you for asking that question because I know that “boobgate” is all over the Internet right now because there are a lot of, I guess, bored, idle bloggers and reporters with nothing else to talk about. And I think some of those folks, too, they need to grab a shovel, go down to the gulf, volunteer to help, clean up and save a whale or something instead of reporting on such stupid things like that.

Ummm, nothing!?!? Sure, nothing except some rich dumb bitch who went and bought herself some tits.

In other words, EVERYTHING!

Or at least until you throw on a designer wetsuit, grab your special edition diamond-encrusted hockey stick,  butterfly stroke on down to the Gulf coast, and start pluckin' out oil-soaked birds and fish before tossin' the half-dead bastards in the sand and headin' back to your private, air-conditioned presidential suite, away from the gross, greasy animals and reporters, to play with Trig and take a quick power nap.

Then maybe, we can finally report on something important for a change!

The Freakin' Awesome Corruption Trial Of Hot Rod Blagojevich, In 140 Golden Words Or Less!

It's been 18 loooong months since insane lego-haired criminal ex-governor of Illinois, Hot Rod Blagojevich, was busted for being the actual insane lego-haired criminal governor and, boy is Blago ready to get back in the ol' spotlight to finally show the good people of IL-na-na, no make that the world, how a sweet, innocent lamb like him could be so horrifyingly misconstrued and wrongly accused of doing all these sleazy, terrible things!

He's been soooo excited for his sweet federal corruption trial to finally begin that he's been tweetin' and talk showin' about it since like, forever. Or at least since unleashing Roland Burris on the poor, unsuspecting masses in one final "f**k you" to The Man.

In fact, Blago (and his swooping mane) is so stoked about the chance to clear his freakin’ golden name that Roddy can hardly contain himself, practically jumping out of his seat waiting for his big moment to shine!

So much so that Judge James Zagel not only had to ban the moron from tweeting asinine 140 character proclamations of his innocence from the court room, but “admonished him to avoid making any facial or other expressions during proceedings, which he had been doing, much to the annoyance of jurors and prosecutors," and anyone not sharing his belief that the Earth rotates not around the sun, but around a Serbian sleazebag who somehow duped Illinois voters into thinking an actual brain, not dense hot air, existed beneath that signature thick coif.

An honest mistake!

But the real question is why is Rod Blagojevich suddenly so obsessed with something other than himself? And not just any something, but a ridiculous social networking site that is basically glorified text messaging on the Internets for tweens, teenyboppers, a bright orange Jersey shore dwarf named Snooki, and of course, every esteemed member of the hip-hop Republican Party!

Perhaps Illinois' disgraced crime boss governor knows something the rest of us losers do not, like how communicating with the public via 140-character one-liners is a sure-fire way to win over the hearts and minds of the American people, and expose its obviously very flawed system of justice?

Rod Blagojevich, due back in federal court today for his corruption trial, meanwhile, has posted 11 tweets since joining the site May 31, with a characteristic how-do-you-do: "Please follow on Twitter for the latest updates. I am innocent and look forward to clearing my name."

Blagojevich's Florida-based publicist, Glenn Selig, said that [wife] Patti is tweeting from her own phone while Selig is doing the actual posting for Rod. The former governor isn't quite up to speed yet, but Selig says he's getting "more and more into technology since he got into the show."

What can I say? He's a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type of guy. I mean, the dude really didn't know the first thing about running a state before becoming governor, and that wasn't too hard to figure out, now was it? All you have to do is swear a lot, try to sell anything not tied down (freakin' golden senate seats included), and loot your entire state's funds en route to enjoying a nice, long vacation where they even give you your own nice pair of striped pajamas, free of charge!

Talk about first-class service!

Another really awesome idea is to refuse to act like an adult, for even one minute, during your corruption trial on racketeering, conspiracy, wire fraud, attempted extortion, perjury and countless other criminal charges, and instead make wacky, funny faces and blurt out whatever idiot nonsense pops into your thickly-covered (possibly rat-infested) head during testimony.

It also really helps if you spend every waking moment since your arrest charming the pants off America on every radio, teevee, and/or circus side show lucky enough to score a little prime Blago time. Ya know, someone as smart and talented as Rod Blagojevich to do Elvis impersonations and really endear themselves to the public, showing the good people of the U.S. of A., the kind of stand-up guy you really are.

Why, you'll have 'em in stitches all the way to your next big gig downstate!

For like the next 20 or so years, at least!

Just enough time to plan his next Blago-riffic bestseller: Big Hair, Big Balls, Big Dreams: From The Big House To The White House, The Incredible True Life Story of America's (Second) Favorite Puffy Haired, Disgraced Governor, Hot Rod Blagojevich.

With a special forward from the original, beautifully coiffed, half-term queen herself, $arah Barracuda Palin!

Oh, you freakin' betcha!

Blowin' Hot Air: Georgia Rep. Paul Broun Warns Of Scary Energy Bill Killing Overheated, Old Southerners

Esteemed congressman and beloved right wing caricature of an actual thinking human being, Georgia Peach, Rep. Paul Broun is no stranger to making mindblowingly dumb, racist comments whenever he gets the chance to spout his big fat trap on some subject he knows nothing about (all?).

When opportunity knocks, you better answer it people!

For good ol' Paul, this latest "opportunity" to act like a deranged moron occurred on the congressional floor (where else?) while discussing important legislation that America desperately needs, but only he understands will lead to the death of millions of innocent old white people, namely in those parts of the country where they don't take very kindly to big, bad (black) governments tellin' whitey what to do.

Waves of death!

So say "bye bye" to Granny and Gramps, because whoever NObama's death panels missed will not escape the constant carnage filling the streets with elderly blood if the Democrats' terrible energy bill to reduce our dependence on foreign oil passes.

We're talkin' senior citizens croakin' left and right, fillin' the streets of Atlanta and Tallahassee with their ol' bones, if the Democrats' get their way and pass some energy bill forcing wrinkled retirees across the South to spontaneously combust or pay a few extra dollars to turn up their thermostat.

Being a doctor and all, Rep. Paul Broun knows a few things the average Joe or Jane simply cannot: like how health care reform will murder Bubbies and Zadies, and lead to roving gangs of DEMONcratic death panels scouring the countryside for shovel-ready old people to bury six feet under, and be done with the liver-spotted nuisances once and for all. Welcome to the new war of Yankee Aggression, mah friends!

BROUN: A lot of old people in Georgia and Florida and all out throughout the southeast and the southwest are dependent on air conditioning just to live.  And if their electricity bills go sky high, as the energy tax is gonna make it happen, if that ever passes there are a lot of people that can't afford to run their air conditioning any more and a lot of people are gonna have a hard time with hyperthermia is what I call it — what we call it in medicine as a medical doctor — which means that their body temperature's gonna go up, they're gonna have dehydration, and people are gonna have a lot of problems.  And it's gonna have a greater impact on our health care system and people are gonna die because of that.  But it's gonna kill jobs too.  

Ya, hear that, America?? Jobs murdered, grandparents murdered, basically constant death everywhere once the evil "clean energy" bill goes through congress, and Paul Broun's doomsday vision of Dem-crafted legislation killing old people in hot states comes to fruition. Like a sweet Georgia peach?

Take it from Dr. Broun—too proud to spell Brown the "normal" way, but ain't too proud to spout rambling, incoherent nonsense, the particulars of which involve sweet, wrinkled centenarians (think millions of McCains) croaking en masse across the American South because they might, just might have to turn up their thermostats a few degrees in the summer, to save some money, assuming they choose not to stop buying wool socks, cataract sunglasses, and bottles of delicious prune juice in order to, eh, I don't know, maybe save their lives?

Because, unlike those hoity-toity Democrats, Broun doesn't believe in the elitist hoax known as climate change, and as such, is the ideal candidate to give advice on urgent environment legislation to save Mother Earth from nosy, overbearing Democrats who refuse to replace her vast seas of oceanic life with vast seas of greasy death.

The lamebrains! Why do they hate America so much? Or better yet, why do they hate beautiful capitalism so much?

Good thing there's a Republican hero like Paul Broun to prevent all this Democratic death by legislation, what with the coming apocalypse where Southern geezers are killed from keeping their air conditioning at a balmy 72.

Wonder how the Northern Aggressors defeated the noble Confederacy back in 1865 before they had access to the mass (elderly) murderer known as air conditioning?

Perhaps they just suffocated them with cotton, provided (free of charge) by the nice, colored people in chains, tirelessly workin' the fields to prevent Union turncoats hellbent on manually blowing stale, non-automatic air and freedom all over the Alzheimer's-ravaged minds of slave-holding plantation owners and toothless Southern gents in Real America.

Or maybe Rep. Paul Broun and the rest of the non-brown Grand Old Party of ancient fossils and crumbling prehistoric relics should get used to the heat. After all, the last Ice Age ended 20,000 years ago.

Still no scientific explanation for Sarah Palin, though!

Sadly, Arizona Radio Legend Steve Blair's "Scream Racist Things At Children" Campaign Fails To Gain Steam Among Those Not Wearing White Robes & Hoods

Oh goody, America!

Just when you thought Arizona couldn't get any more creepily racist and crazy, the Union's original black sheep goes and does something not totally gut-wrenching and horrible, dare we say even slightly normal, and we once again find ourselves confused as to the true identity of America's favorite wayward state of Mexi huntin' desert dwellers.

In case you missed it, what with BP's oily marine massacre down in the Gulf, Rush Limbaugh's 4th lifetime vow of love and fidelity (but 1st featuring terrible gay Elton John!), and/or the any number of racist shenanigans goin' on ever since Arizona enacted their No, way José law prohibiting weird, Mexicany-looking brown people, here is a quick synopsis of the original terrible story and thankfully, its not-completely demented resolution.

From the Arizona Republic:

A group of artists has been asked to lighten the faces of children depicted in a giant public mural at a Prescott school. The project’s leader says he was ordered to lighten the skin tone after complaints about the children’s ethnicity...

R.E. Wall, director of Prescott’s Downtown Mural Project, said he and other artists were subjected to slurs from motorists as they worked on the painting at one of the town’s most prominent intersections.

“We consistently, for two months, had people shouting racial slander from their cars,” Wall said. “We had children painting with us, and here come these yells of 'Nigger' and 'Spics.'”

The children depicted on the mural are, of course, little kids who go to the school — "a K-5 school with 380 students and the highest ethnic mix of any school in Prescott," with thousands of town residents volunteering or donating to the project...ya know, for the kids!

And while these children gathered at this happy mural encouraging "green transportation," Prescott's finest have been driving by, yelling "Nigger" and "Spic" at this school wall painted with pictures of children who attend the school, demanding this hideous montage be destroyed, or at the very least, the faces lightened to look like good, white American children, not brown or black or yellow miscreants who just wandered in from Tijuana or Thailand or God knows where.

Being Arizona, this "behavior" has naturally been encouraged by a city councilman, Steve Blair, who moonlights as some white power local radio host who uses the airwaves to rile up the good people of Prescott and demand the principal remove the black student's face from the mural or repaint the faces of the Black and Latino students as nice, normal light-skinned children. The way God intended.

Which almost happened!

But then suddenly, the principal of the school got himself some principles and decided "painting the children's faces white" because of the "controversy" may not be such a wondrous idea after all. Could be because of all the other people, like the millions of Americans who live outside the whites-only clusterf*ck town of Prescott outraged by this insane wingnut demand that the brown kids be "lightened" (a la Michael Jackson?) and descended on the town to protest this racist hysteria, which made the principal think, eh, on second thought, the mural would stay as it is, and that he was wrong. The End.

Oh wait! There's another glimmer of light coming from the scorched desert wasteland known as Prescott.

Vile, talk show creep and Prescott City councilman Steve Blair has been fired from his local-wingnut KYCA talk-show after bringing shame and humiliation on the town for screaming at paintings of elementary school children for being the wrong color, i.e., not pasty pale or the beautiful color of skim milk.

Guess even in good ol' Arizona, there is a limit to how unabashedly racist, unhinged, and hate-mongering local radio personalities can be.

But will Prescott give Blair the boot as town councilman too, or do their limits on repulsive Grand KKK wizards not extend to their local elected public officials? Perhaps they just love hateful sacks of children-bashers who crusade against colored 10-year-olds too much?!?

In 2010 Aryanzona, that sounds about right, err, white!

John Boehner Will Not Stand For Some Classless Knight, Former Beatles Included, Bashing His Hero George W. Bush; But Torturing Muslims Is A-Okay!

You know what really squeezes the juice right out of John Boehner's sad orange face? Brings those tears splatterin' big, fat 'n hot right out his piercing baby blues?

No, not the distinguished former eight-year Republican President George W. Bush boastin' 'bout torturin' Muslims, hehe, while he was The Decider or how he would do it again in a heartbeat, if he had to, for like freedom 'n stuff!

No, no that is all fine and well, the crazy ol' cowboy! Gosh, don't ya just love this man? God bless the dumb bastard--those were some fine years, fine years!

What really grinds his abnormally glowing gears is when some widely idolized, knighted musical legend like say Sir Paul McCartney tells a well-established fact harmless joke about how Bush is dumb and Obama is smart and the Earth rotates 'round the sun, and it's nice to receive an award from someone who doesn't call your old band, "The Bad Ass Bugs," before peeing his pants laughing hysterically, hehehehe.

“Getting this prize would just be good enough, but getting it from this president..." McCartney gushed, praising President Barack Obama for umm, not being a retarded f-up among other things.

“After the last eight years, it’s great to have a president who knows what a library is,” McCartney joked after receiving an award  for his  influence on American culture.

Well this sort of tomfoolery does not sit well with neon Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, whose sharp humor extends only to drowning terrorist suspects, not pointing out glaring intellectual deficiencies of former Republican presidents who may not be able to pronounce nuc-u-lar, but sure as sh*t knows how to use 'em!

“Like millions of other Americans, I have always had a good impression of Paul McCartney and thought of him as a classy guy, but I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of grace and respect he displayed at the White House,” Boehner told HUMAN EVENTS. “I hope he’ll apologize to the American people for his conduct which demeaned him, the White House and President Obama.”

How dare you use the words George W. Bush and library in the same sentence!? Have you no decency? Tsk, tsk! For shame, Sir, for shame!

The only people who will demean Mr. Obama and/or the White House are Orange Boehners, born again Fox News mental patients, former half-term governors driftin' in on the Arctic current, swastika waving patriots who can't spell constitution so just dress like human bags o' Lipton instead, and of course all 218 Grand Obstructionist Party members proudly voting "No!" in Congress.

Because real patriots like John Boehner know being truly demeaning is not forcing suspected detainees to wear dog chains and create awesome naked human pyramids, but having a beloved cultural icon and one of the most popular musicians of all time say a terrible, MEANY comment about his favoritest former President, the wonderfully, mighty Republican president, George W. Bush, all because he can't read good!

Almost as torturous as having to take orders from some scary black Socialist community organizer from Kenya, instead of a semi-literate born again who swapped Jägermeister for Jesus en route to becoming God's chosen messenger to drown New Orleans, bankrupt America, and bomb Muslims, here on Earth.

The good ol' days! When Boehner and the rest of the Grand Old Puppets could proudly pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under W, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all none.

A fool's paradise: It's the American Republican dream!

Elton Asks Rush "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" Or At Least Until The Next Gold Digging Trophy Wife Comes Along

Adorable cuddlebug and melodious voice of right-wing nutjobs, teabaggers, and retired Klansmen from sea to shining sea, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III finally achieved his life-long dream to be married more times than numbers in his name. Woohoo!!

This is no easy feat, my friends! But Rushy couldn't have reached this impressive once-in-a-lifetime once-every-couple-of-years milestone without the help of some good friends, a few fine li'l numbers, a handful of scorned shrews (aka ex-wifey's uno, dos, and tres), and of course a couple hundred mil to make the thought of bedding an obese 59-year-old pill addict more than just a terrifying nightmare that jolts you from your sleep, sweaty and trembling, and thanking sweet Jesus that it was all just a terrible dream.

Guess some gals just have all the luck!  

But that's not it! Limbaugh's newest lucky ladyfriend--wooed by a sudden Rush of $exy $tudness while divorcing his third wife--is a lovely 33-year-old party planner from Florida by the name of Kathryn Rogers.

And party plan she sure did! To the tune of a cool ONE MILLION DOLLARS to have a super famous, super homosexual (gay-married!) British piano player, singer, songwriter, and AIDS activist (ewww, gross!) known as Sir Elton John don a skin-tight unitard, platform shoes, star-studded shades, and serenade the equally hideous star-studded crowd with "The Bitch Is Back," "I'm Still Standing," and "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" into the wee hours Saturday night at Florida's fabled Breakers hotel in Palm Beach.

How exciting!

But the sexiest part (aside from the flamer in sunglasses and space suit, and lovable, bloated groom kissing his 4th true love), was of course the stars, celebs, and scumbags invited to the blowout bash, all 400 of Rush's nearest and dearest!

Cool famous types and upstanding citizens of humanity like Karl Rove, Fred Thompson, Sean Hannity, James Carville, Rudy Giuliani, Clarence Thomas and assorted other oily remnants of the catastrophic disaster washin' up Florida's coast.

A wedding bonanza that couldn't have been any more fabulous if God Himself (no not Rush, the other all-powerful one...in the sky) decided to unleash fire and brimstone fury upon the lucky attendees in a spontaneous moment of joyous apocalyptic poetry.

After tying the noose knot and enjoying their personal Elton John concert, the newlyweds hopped Limbaugh's private Gulfstream jet for a honeymoon in Mexico, Africa and a couple other spots.

Please, please say the Bermuda Triangle...please, please we beg you! Ok, how about a few war zones, at the very least!?!
Not surprisingly, the new love-struck bride also had some very interesting, wise words to say about the couple's 26-year age gap: "I'm sometimes not able to relate to the average person my age." 

Or the average human her species, for that matter.

Either way, I think I can speak for all of America, no, make that the world, when I say a deep, heart-felt congratulations to Rush on his special 4th wedding day—very likely the 4th happiest day of his wonderfully charmed oxycodone-fueled life.

We're sure this time, he really means it. After all, love is the second best Rx there is!

So Oxycongratulations Rush! We wish you many months of bliss.

In other words, same time next year?

$arah Palin Knows BP's Oil Spill Can Only Be Blamed On..."Extreme Greenies" & Probably Those Stupid Marine Animals Too!

$arah Palin sure get's it. But do you, America? Do you get it??

Because when patron St. $arah was leading thousands of morons chanting her favoritest slogans, "drill, baby drill" and "drill here, drill now," what she really meant was that we should in no way, shape, or form, be doing exploratory offshore drilling, baby, exploratory offshore drilling because that's dangerous, not to mention, not very kind to Mother Earth!

How could we have been so blind, baby blind??

You see, $arah knows all about the complexities, risks, and dangers of power drilling into the ocean floor, huntin' for delicious petroleum, which is why she only discusses these weighty matters using very important tween social networking sites in 140 (ghostwritten) characters or less.

That way, her wildly irresponsible, brainless calls to destroy, baby destroy! protected wilderness reserves (you betcha!) or anywhere scores of marine animals congregate or fragile ecosystems exist, are safe from misinterpretation by the dumb masses who think her catchy slogans somehow imply that we should drill the bejesus out of any and everywhere for awesome, American oil!

This is soooooo not the case! As if our sweet $arah would ever utter meaningless, nuance-free phrases that allow her to take any stance she wants, in the extremely unlikely case that one of her brilliant ideas go terribly awry and who knows, maybe even spill, baby spill! gallons of savory oil up 'n down America's coast.

Not this maverick hockey mom lipstick wearin' pig and resident expert in every subject like keepin' an unwinkin' eye on Russia from her front porch, how to lose an ecosystem in 10 days or less, and of course, how to turn a national catastrophe into a personal opportunity (cha-ching!) for her favoritest $arah!

Well, thank heavens we have someone like $arah to sift through the dead dolphins, greasy ooze, and lamestream media LIES to bring us, the unknowing public, the Palin-rific truth about drillin' for oil in a fun, convenient Facebook post she didn't even write.

From her Idiotbook Facebook:

"This is a message to extreme 'environmentalists' who hypocritically protest domestic energy production offshore and onshore. There is nothing “clean and green” about your efforts. Look, here’s the deal: when you lock up our land, you outsource jobs and opportunity away from America and into foreign countries that are making us beholden to them. Some of these countries don’t like America. Some of these countries don’t care for planet earth like we do – as evidenced by our stricter environmental standards."

"With your nonsensical efforts to lock up safer drilling areas, all you’re doing is outsourcing energy development, which makes us more controlled by foreign countries, less safe, and less prosperous on a dirtier planet. Your hypocrisy is showing. You’re not preventing environmental hazards; you’re outsourcing them and making drilling more dangerous."

"Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas. It’s catching up with you. The tragic, unprecedented deep water Gulf oil spill proves it."

"We need permission to drill in safer areas, including the uninhabited arctic land of ANWR. It takes just a tiny footprint – equivalent to the size of LA’s airport – to tap America’s rich and plentiful oil and gas up north. ANWR’s drilling footprint is like a postage stamp on a football field."

In other words, like $arah's tiny pea-sized brain in her vast, thick skull.

"Radical environmentalists: you are damaging the planet with your efforts to lock up safer drilling areas. There’s nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives." - Sarah Palin

You hear that hippie-dippie environmentalists?!? Miss Alaska is on to you and your dirty tricks to keep our national resources pristine, protected, and unspoiled by man's destructive tendencies, and our precious coastlines free from the remains of unsightly oil-drenched pelicans too dumb to avoid the massive oil Tsunami when trying to get back to their wetlands nesting site to feed their babies. Lol, stupid birds!

Watch out, 'cause $arah's on to you people! She knows you tree-hugging Greenpeace 'save the whales' types are the real ones to blame for this BP oil spillageddon, along with that Hitler-in-Chief Barack NObama, and his nonsense radicalism to cover every inch of the Earth with the sweet glistening sheen of millions of gallons of crude luxurious oil!

Why else would he agree to something as retarded (sorry, special needs) as drillin', baby drillin' like little Miss Wasilla is always tweetin' and 'bookin' 'bout, if he didn't have motives beyond keeping up with America's insatiable appetite for wonderful, energy-filled, safe-as-$arah's-email-password, methods of oil extraction?

Uh-oh, that $arah's sure on to something. In fact, I think she knows too much!

Guess Obama will just have to go ahead with that secret contingency plan, ya know, the real reason he started spillin', baby spillin' in the first place: to plug the f**king leak with her instead!

Kill two thousand birds with one stone, errr, make that gem.

Teabaggers Launch Brilliant Counter BUYcott To Show Their Support For Aryanzona's New 'Bye, Bye Brown People' Law

Over the weekend, obese, greasy-haired, middle-aged white men, Ben Franklin-dressed human bags o' caffeinated herbs 'n spice, and assorted other "Jesus Saves" t-shirt wearing, toothless patriots of freedom descended on glorious Aryanzona to show support for the state's new Nazi immigration law, SB-1070, prohibiting brown people from sullying their beautiful parched landscape, by even so much as taking a single, colored breath of Arizona's soon-to-be pure, all white, desert air.

Naturally, among the geniuses behind the 'baggers brilliant new answer to the liberal national Arizona boycott, the lunatic fringe Arizona "BUYcott," is none other than publisher of AZ Tourist News and occasional Grand Wizard of the KKK, Tony Venuti.

You see, Tony over here has his own views on what to do with those gross Mexican (border) jumping beans, putting their grubby paws all over the sparkling U.S. of A, having their way with his young, supple wife and daughters as they stream uncontrollably across the border, and it ain't exactly amnesty or whatever fancy shmancy elitist word them liberals call it.

Because Tony knows the only way to get the no-good criminal Mexicans or "bad hombres" to "get their butts out of town" and "disappear like cockroaches" back to whatever pathetic, third world nation of chocolatey-hued wannabee Americans they came from, is to ID, harass, and if all goes well, discriminate the bejesus out of 'em. That oughtta show 'em who's boss of these parts!

"Let me tell you something, there’s gonna be procession down into the border South when you see a lot of illegal criminals knowing they are going to be compelled to be ID’d or thrown in jail, you’re gonna see them disappear back south like a bunch of cockroaches. Trust me. The other ones that are here, we’re gonna have to deal with them and I don’t know how that’s going to be dealt with. We don’t need to worry about that now."

Fuggedaboutit! We'll figure out some way to get rid of those dumb bastards later. But for now, let's just focus on important matters, like how to make life as uncomfortable as humanly possible for them no-good immigrants already here, so maybe they'll just crawl back over the border on their own, and we don't have to waste precious time and money, roundin' up the whole smelly lot of 'em.

Of course, national boycott aside, “the exodus of illegal and legal immigrants predicted by some as a result of Arizona’s tough new immigration law is expected to hurt a variety of businesses that directly and indirectly cater to immigrant populations.”  In fact, if Tony Venuti's wish came true and all of Arizona’s undocumented immigrants "disappeared," the state could lose $26.4 billion in economic activity, $11.7 billion in gross state product, and approximately 140,324 jobs.

¡Ay, caramba!

But rather than worry about silly things like the actual widespread, disastrous economic effects of Arizona's new ¡Adiós Amigos! law itself, the brilliant bags o' English Breakfast have decided to take their good fight against all things Fernandez down to ol' immigrant epicenter to show those Mexi-lovin', 'Merica hatin', liberal elitists how real white supremacists men will spend their money to save the nation from this spicy, jalapeno invasion.

Unveiled at last month's Woodstock for Wingnuts, "Winning Back America Conference" (from evil, half-black Kenyan presidents?), headlined by such distinguished luminaries as Liz Cheney, Fred Thompson, and $arah Palin, the brilliant BUYcott is the brainchild of St. Louis teabagger, Gina Loudon, whose stated goal is to "render boycotts ineffective."

"The whole idea is to spend money to offset the boycott," Loudon said.

An idea which has fallen just a tad short, considering it is already estimated that Arizona’s fragile tourism (old retirees sportin' Cubs hats?) industry has already lost $6-10 million in cancellations since the SS immigration bill was signed into law.

Boo-hoo?

While opponents of the law, like President Barack Obama (figures!) and every American citizen with a functioning brain, not tea-ready filtered water between their ears, think the bill will lead to racial profiling, discrimination, and unconstitutional violations of individual rights, Loudon knows this is nothing but another one of the Jew-run liberal media's lies to thwart the right-wing's perfectly reasonable attempts to make the USA better, stronger, and safer....for ignorant racist rednecks, and other freedom-loving patriots of white, Christian America.

Loudon claims the law will save officers’ lives while changing little, if at all, of what officers already do to crack down on illegal immigrants.

See a brown, stop a brown??

“The racism card is typical propaganda to incite and drive wedges between groups, which is how liberals get their votes,” Loudon said.

And to think, we simply couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks to your fine handiwork, all the Democrats have to do is sit back, relax, and let the fabulous, freedom-fightin' Teabaggers terrify every non-hood/robe-wearing man or woman in these great United States right back where they belong: Mexico six feet under internment camps the voting booth.

Just where the Dems want 'em!

When Gov. Jan Brewer Said Her Father Died "Fighting The Nazis" She Simply Confused Nazis With Mexicans, An Honest Mistake!

America's fiercest blonde-haired fighter of scary Mexicans, Aryanzona governor Jan Brewer just can't stop shrieking about all the wonderful reasons to round up the state's brown people and kill them ship 'em back to Mexicanland or wherever the hell it is these dark, menacing "things" come from.

But you know what hurts sweet Jan even more than terrible brown people milling about her whites-only state? Being called horrible, MEANY names like Satan, Marilyn Manson, or heaven's forbid, the absolute worst name in the history of insulting names, Hitler's daughter (gasp!).

Well this stings sensitive Miss Brewer more than you can possibly imagine. Deep, searing pain that rips right through her tan-but-not-Mexicanish-tan, desert fried flesh, and pierces straight into her shriveled sun-scorched, still-beating, little heart.

Why, you may wonder?

Ummm, maybe because Jan Brewer knows everything there is to know about being hunted by Nazis simply for being a Jew, Queer, Intellectual, Communist, or other putrid, non-Aryan minority of sin, and her hunting brown people couldn't be any farther from, say the Nazi policy of forced detention followed quickly by forced extermination. They're not even in the same realm, really!

She would know too, considering her father, her brave, warrior father, sacrificed everything to fight the Nazis, on their own dreadful, Jew-nourished, blood-soaked German soil. Hell, he died doing that. This takes real courage!

Almost as much courage as it took St. Jan to make up this wildly audacious lie, which in turn gave the rest of us the courage to proclaim that Jan Brewer deserves to be tied to a post outside the Holocaust Museum and left to rot, while the vultures (not the dirty Mexicans for once!) have their way with her.

Here's what Gov. Jan Brewer told the Arizona Republic: 

"The Nazi comments…they are awful," she said, her voice dropping. "Knowing that my father died fighting the Nazi regime in Germany, that I lost him when I was 11 because of that . . . and then to have them call me Hitler’s daughter. It hurts. It’s ugliness beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.”

Beyond anything she's ever experienced! Or fabricated! Or pulled out of her pasty white Neo-Nazi behind. Because her awesome, fearless father, the one who died braving evil Nazi forces in the heart of Deutschland, actually died a decade after World War II, of lung cancer, and the closest he ever came to "fighting the Nazi regime in Germany" was working in a weapons plant in Nevada during the war.

Nevada, Normandy, is there even a difference?!? All you have to do is substitute Hitler's foot-soldiers with Mexico's field workers and voila! it's Battle of the Bulge all over again!

And since we know upstanding, Republican politicians like Jan Brewer would never lie or exaggerate about how her father, Wilford Drinkwine (no joke...really, that's his name) met his heroic end fighting Nazis in Germany, the only logical conclusion is that the Nazis were actually running the naval munitions factory in Nevada, where Drinkwine worked as a civilian supervisor and "eventually died from the toxic fumes he inhaled there," a decade later in 1955...in California.

Of course! It makes perfect sense...

I almost forgot the Nazi's ultimate secret weapon against the Allies was a powerful, one-two punch of mesothelioma and black lung.

Naturally, Brewer’s press people are saying of course that’s what happened; Brewer very clearly meant that her dad worked in a weapons factory and was on disability afterward for respiratory problems he developed when she said "he died fighting the Nazis."

Just like how my father also sacrificed life and limb to defeat the greatest 20th century threat to humanity.

When he was 8 years-old in 1944, he skinned his knee pretty bad in a schoolyard incident while fighting the Nazi regime in Germany.

On a playground in Chicago's South Side.

At Least Mark Kirk Still Wins The Coveted Award For Best Republican Impersonation Of A Moderate, Straight Man!

It's been several days, (weeks even!) since the last prominent, vehemently anti-gay Republican got outed as a secret, terrible homosexual. This is highly unusual!

So, naturally the time has come to unveil the latest member of the "is-he-or-isn't-he-a-secret-gay-hypocrite-club," Illinois Republican and military award exaggerator extraordinaire, the one, the only, Mark Steven Kirk. Hooray!

It's already been one tough week for poor, ol' Mark, who just the other day found himself in the less-than-admirable position of being forced to admit he never really won that super-exclusive, awesome Navy award he was always bragging about, basing his entire campaign on as concocted proof of his military prowess, etc., rather some no-name group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares even remotely about. But good try, Mark, you were thisclose, thisclose, my friend!

Well now, Marky Mark once again finds himself in the umm, shall we say, compromising position of being the latest token Gay Old Party hypocrite who votes against the interests/rights of gay people, while secretly preferring his sexytime be with other, equally terrible, homosexual men.

Ooooh, this could be juicy!

Apparently, Mike Rogers, the Blogactive blogger famous for his work "outing" closeted, duplicitous politicians thinks Captain Kirk over here has taken one hypocritical step too many, in the wrong direction, and it's time to set the record straight (even if our friend Mark isn't).

Of course, this isn't the first time the dapper Illinois bachelor's sexual orientation has come under public scrutiny. Rumors about the supposed extra spring in his step have circulated since the Republican primary when Mark found himself the unfortunate target of his teabagger opponent's apparent knack for sniffin' out secret gays, as only a homophobic right-wing nut job can.

But it wasn't until Kirk's recent treachery against his fellow(?) rainbow brethren, voting against repealing the military's wonderful, discriminatory Don't Ask Don't Tell policy denying the pesky gays the coveted right to die defending the very country whose freedom they themselves don't enjoy. Yay!

So gay superhero, blogger Mike Rogers, decided to do some investigative digging of his own into the (possibly) pink-tinged preferences of Illinois Republicans' Great White Hope to snag Barack Obama's old senate seat and take back America from evil, no-good, half-black DEMONcratic presidents who may or may not be Hitler or Satan. Maybe even both!

Hmmm, good luck with that! As if an upstanding, moral Republican paradigm of beautiful heterosexuality would ever put himself in as compromising a position as being an actual gay (gasp!) trying to win an election by pretending to be anything but.

C'mon, that would be standard shocking!

Rogers writes:

Within hours of the DADT repeal vote I was contacted by two people who knew Kirk from his college days. "In law school in DC everyone knew Mark was gay," the first source told me. I explained that the information was intriguing, it would not be enough to go on. He continued, "But I had sex with him a number of times."

Well, now we're onto something I thought. "Could someone verify for me that you knew Kirk and went to school with him?" I asked. "Yes" was the swift reply. "Could you recall personal details about Kirk that others may not know?" "Yes," he said.

And he did.

The next source claimed to have gone to undergraduate school with Kirk. I asked for proof that he and Kirk were in school together and once that was shared with me, I met with the source. The source introduced me to a man whom had also been friends with Kirk in college. They both shared with me their interactions with Kirk, including one sexual in nature. The source who claimed to have sex with Kirk described personal details about the House, um, er, "member." The description was the same as the first source.

And in DC, Kirk wasn't all THAT closeted. You see Mark Kirk told me he was gay...It was early 2004 when I was at a social gathering on Capitol Hill. I'm guessing there were 35-40 people present, including the guy who brought me as his guest.

While the party was no means a "gay" party, I'd guess that of the men at least 75% were overtly gay. The others present were either straight men or their women friends.

It was at that party that I met Mark Kirk. I was introduced to him by the person I came with and at the time did not realize he was a member of the House. As my friend walked away, Kirk asked me if the man who introduced us was "single or attached." When I said that he had a partner Kirk replied disappointingly, "oh, well."

At the end of that interaction I walked away and didn't think much of it at the time.

The time of course being before Mark Kirk decided to sell his fabulous, Streisand-lovin' soul to the Grand Oppressive Party of dinosaur fossils and ancient artifacts en route to bringing (hetero)sexy back to the Republican party in Illinois by painting its senate race a nice, rosy right-wing red, instead of traditional, boring "Barry" blue.

"Now, for the first time in his congressional career, Mark Kirk really had the chance to stand up and do what is right with the power of a vote," Rogers writes. "When I heard that five GOPers voted to lift the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban I instinctively though Kirk would be one of them."

Whoops!

But don't feel too bad. When I heard Mark Kirk brag about the super-exclusive, highly impressive U.S. Navy's Intelligence Officer of the Year award all these years, I also assumed that was true.

Silly me!

Wonder what his arugula-eating Democratic rival Alexi Giannoulias thinks of Kirk's mysterious sexual orientation?

"Here's someone who has said he is against the repeal of DADT, is against the repeal of DOMA, and he doesn't believe in same-sex marriage and I just believe that flies in the face of what our important issues are...it doesn't make sense to me."

Well, Mr. Giannoulias, maybe that's because you're not a desperate, closeted queerball trying to win the nomination in a party of 100% moral, Jesus-approved, God-lovin', heterosexual purity.

Next time, perhaps you'd be well-advised to do a little more of what your rival Mark Kirk's so skilled at doing: playing make believe.

Like say, a "military hero" who's as honest and open about his sexuality (straight-as-an-arrow!) as he is his esteemed "service" awards.

No, not the Navy's "Intelligence Officer of the Year" award, silly! The "Tickle-Me Eric Massa Salty Sailor" award for outstanding Seamen Service.

BP Apologizes For Failing To "Top Kill" Anything, Except Mother Earth, Of Course!

Howdy America and Happy Memorial Day to all of you, even those who aren't in the military and have done nothing to honor our soldiers except shove brats and burgers in your big. fat mouths while competing to see who can guzzle the most beers and smash the empty cans against their foreheads in the least amount of time, for freedom!

On this patriotic holiday, I hope you enjoy some fun in the sun (or rain) on your fine, federal day off from whatever menial job you normally dread every Monday-Friday, when not honoring scores of dead soldiers who died for America during any of the various invasions, battles, or star-spangled incursions to stop Hitler or avenge an attempt on Daddy's life by some desert madman named Saddam, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, enjoy the long weekend, because it may be your last now that BP oil spillageddon continues to douse marine wildlife and precious resources in layers of delicious petroleum, and flirt with the people frolicking around the coastal shores from Florida to Mississippi in the hopes of enjoying actual cool, refreshing water, not thick, slimy crude oil during their fun Memorial day at the beach.

That's right folks! Turns out BP's desperate, last-ditch effort to "plug the damn hole" via the awesomely-named "top kill" didn't in fact "kill" anything except our collective hope, and faith that BP can do anything even remotely competently except dupe the dumb public out of oceans of money, and actual non-toxic, Dihydrogen monoxide seas of life.

Tsk, tsk, silly Americans!

So, now that BP's latest, greatest "best chance" to seal the worst oil leak in U.S. history—by shoving a billion tons of filth, garbage, and basic garage sale items inside the spewing wound—has been a spectacular failure (despite it's supposed 70 percent chance of success), what terrible, new, sexily-named plan will the brilliant oil-clogged minds at BP come up with next?

“After three full days of attempting top kill, we now believe it is time to move on to the next of our options,” BP Chief Operations Officer Doug Suttles explained, admitting that they "don't know for certain why it failed," which is always very encouraging to hear!

In any case, now that the hardworking, capable minds at BP have been unable to stem the flow geyser of oil gushing from a mile beneath the Gulf of Mexico and onto America's coastal shores, using state-of-the-art techniques like shooting as many golf balls and rubber tires as humanly possible into the hole, in the hopes that the powerful combo of discarded junk and a few Hail Marys will do the trick, it is time to move on to the next comical-if-it-weren't-so-tragic "solution" to stop the oil from spillin' baby spillin'!

The new "fix" probably won't "work" either—and it might increase the bleeding crude “by as much as 20%.” But on the bright side, it may just start working in August, so good times ahead?

Or at least if you believe a hoity-toity, elitist "news"paper like the LA Times:

"BP’s plan to sever a leaking pipe as part of an effort to cap its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico could increase flow by as much as 20%, and the oil giant has no remedy to stop up the well until August, Obama administration and company officials said Sunday. "

But hey, at least BP feels bad (sort of):

BP’s CEO said Sunday he’s sorry for the largest oil spill in U.S. history and the "massive disruption" it has caused the Gulf Coast, telling reporters the company hopes to corral most of the crude offshore.

"The first thing to say is I’m sorry," Tony Hayward said when asked what he would tell people in Louisiana, where heavy oil has already reached parts of the state’s southeastern marshes.

"We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

You hear that, America?? He is incredibly sorry for all the death and destruction his wonderful company has caused, but even more for all the disruption you people have caused to his perfect, carefree life. He's a rich, global oil executive for crying out loud, not some common schlub who actually relies on the ocean for silly things like eating, drinking, and employment, instead of important BP things like padding his already flush, fattened wallet.

I mean what do you want him to do? Grab some gloves and a shovel and actually start cleaning the sh*t up himself?

Ha ha, now that's rich! Not as rich as he or any of the other caring, misunderstood BP executives responsible for devastating America's coastlines, but hey, close enough.

Hayward said the company is doing "everything we can to contain the oil offshore, but as far as I'm concerned, a cup of oil on the beach is a failure."

But an entire ocean of oil? Heckuva job, Tony!!

So, anyway, Happy Memorial Day...to the once thriving vast bodies of sustenance and life formerly known as the Ocean.

The last 3.8 billion years just wouldn't have been the same without you!

But, perhaps there's another 139 million square miles of precious, untapped open wilderness for you to destroy explore, where no one will mind a couple million barrels o' oil wreaking death and destruction every which way...

$arah Palin's backyard for instance?

Unlike Rival Alexi Giannoulias, Mark Kirk Doesn't Need Family To Make Him Look Bad, He Can Do That All By Himself!

Mark Kirk, At Your Slightly Embellished Service!

Like bees and honey, needles and thread, or Glenn Beck and swastikas, politicians and lies go together like $arah Palin and stupid.

A perfect fit!

When it comes to douchebag politicians lying, misleading, or otherwise bending the truth about which trails they were hiking (like Appalachian paths to hot, extramarital sex in Buenos Aires), military service they did not complete, or distinguished honors they were never in fact awarded, the field is chock full 'o potential embellishers, fabricators, and hyperbole-lovers of all stripes and sizes, on both sides of the political aisle.

The possibilities are endless--and that's without exaggerating!

Apparently, unlike say, helping poor people not die in the street or go broke by reforming health care and Wall Street, or giving those pesky gays the right to die for the freedom they don't themselves enjoy, skewing one's military record seems to be as non-partisan and widespread as well, sleeping with a staffer during late nights at the office, or avoiding hunting trips (or any activity involving bullets & guns) with Dick Cheney.

About two weeks ago, Democratic Senate hopeful and Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal's service record became the hapless chum in the latest media feeding frenzy, after a speech emerged in which the Senate candidate said he served "in," rather than "during," the war in Vietnam. The lying, no-good rat bastard!

"At times when I have sought to honor veterans, I have not been as clear or precise as I should have been about my service in the Marine Corps Reserves,'' Blumenthal said. "I have firmly and clearly expressed regret and taken responsibility for my words...I have made mistakes and I am sorry. I truly regret offending anyone. I will always champion the cause of Connecticut's and our nation's veterans."

Almost as much as his own election campaign, no doubt. What a sweetheart!

Step aside, Richard Blumenthal, it appears you may have company! Hooray?

Not to be outdone by an evil, arugula-eating elitist DEMONcrat, Republican Rep. Mark Kirk may have done some less-than-savory exaggerating himself en route to maybe, just maybe, snagging that no-good Kenyan terrorist Barack Obama's former senate seat in always-honorable Illinois, the original dysfunctional, red-headed stepchild of indicted governors and other freakin' golden, uniquely-coiffed elected officials turned inmates.

You see, Mark Kirk, a Navy reservist elected to Congress in 2001, has made no secret about his illustrious military career, claiming on several occasions that he received the Navy's exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award, given to just one brave, outstanding, individual patriot a year. Excluuuuusive!

This is a very big deal (as far as these things go!), and the perfect thing to boast about to the dumb, gullible masses. Except for one tiny, little, not-at-all-important detail: he never won it.

Ummm, ooops?

Turns out the distinguished Mr. Kirk, whose entire campaign is based on this achievement, as proof of his special specious qualifications to discuss national security spending. Unless by special you of course mean pulled out of that "special" place where the sun don't shine.

The intelligence unit Kirk served in in Serbia in the 1990s (not he as an individual) won another award entirely—given not by the Navy (as he claimed), but by some private group called, the National Military Intelligence Association for outstanding service.

The award "citation in 2000 contains no mention of Kirk and instead designates the entire Intelligence Division Electronic Attack Wing," according to the Washington Post.

Hmmm, that's odd.

Rep. Mark Kirk acknowledged the error in his official biography after The Washington Post began looking into whether he had received the prestigious award, which is given by top Navy officials to a single individual annually.

Kirk wrote on his blog that "upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified" and that the award he had intended to list was given to his entire unit.

His spokesman, the wonderfully Sarah Palin-esque named Eric Elk, would say only that "we found the award was misidentified and corrected the name."

Good work, soldier!

Meanwhile, Kathleen Strand, communications director for the Giannoulias campaign, said that Kirk "is lying or embellishing his military record," making him "the worst kind of Washington politician."

You mean the only kind??

"Upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified as 'Intelligence Officer of the Year,'" Kirk explained. "In fact...I was the recipient of the Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award for outstanding support provided during Operation Allied Force."

The Doofus, err, Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award?? What the hell kind of bullsh*t is that?

I mean seriously people! That's like me saying I won the Academy Award, before admitting the distinguished honor came not from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, but the Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Why, is there a difference or something?

Even more mind-blowing is how such easy, honest mistakes defy the law of averages, with the statistically impossible outcome of making the politician look better, smarter, and more spectacular than they actually are, no less than 100% of the time.

Hmmm, I guess politics is the new pseudo-science of the obvious.

Obviously in need of some serious psychiatric care.

When Not Crying, Glenn Beck Does Important Things Like Mocking 11-Year-Old First Daughters Named Malia

No one really expects fallen drunkard turned born again Moron Mormon rodeo clown Glenn Beck to act like anything other than a circus sideshow freak who just got his hands on the miraculous twin inventions of the chalkboard and accompanying white tube with which to write.

So it really comes as no surprise that America's chubby, blue-eyed, blond-haired angel of teary-eyed truth took his one-man monologue on the ravages mental illness to the airwaves to rant about the newest enemy of freedom, 11-year-old Malia Obama for her hilariously naive "preteen" question about BP's oil leak catastrophe, "Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?"

Hahahahahah! OMG, can you believe how stupid that Malia girl is? What is she like 11 or 12 or something? God, where did she get that education? Some terrible place like Chicago or Kenya? If only she had someone smart and intelligent, without any formal college education (elitist!) like Glenn Beck to teach her the ways of the world.

Maybe then she wouldn't be such a loser!

Good thing Glenn's own kids wouldn't say anything stupid and childish like that! Probably because they don't even know how to speak or formulate an actual question, but hey let's not rip on anyone's off-limits family because that wouldn't be very nice or sensitive. But then again, his Foxy ratings may go up, i.e. the opposite way of his IQ! You with me? Huh? I can't hear you! I said who's with me, people??

Apparently, the central tenets of Glenny's "leave the families alone" motto only applies to people Glenn Beck doesn't particularly care for, including stillborn babies and the incompetent mothers who miscarried them. Especially when the mother happens to be guilty of the terrible crime known as being married to the host of a rival morning show in the same market as a certain principled pillar of integrity, a Mr. Glenn Lee Beck.

Otherwise, like in the case of say, sexy, former half-governors named Sarah Palin, it is absolutely unacceptable to attack a person's rather large family, whether they--unwed teenage mother with newborn miracles of God (special needs and otherwise) in tow--are paraded all over town, or not.

"Leave my family, leave people's families alone...When it was Bill Clinton, you don't go after Chelsea Clinton," Beck said. "You don't talk about the Bush kids. Now, the minute they get into politics, that's a different story. You leave the families alone."

Except of course when that family happens to be of the terrible Socialist Kenyan Obama variety. Then by all means. The sky's the limit!

BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy? Daddy? Daddy, did you plug the hole yet? Daddy?
PAT GRAY (co-host): (imitating Obama) No I didn't, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy, I know you're better than [unintelligible]
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Mm-hmm, big country.
BECK: (imitating Malia) And I was wondering if you've plugged that hole yet.
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Honey, not yet.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why not, daddy? But daddy--
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not time yet, honey. Hasn't done enough damage.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not enough damage yet, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah?
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why do you hate black people so much?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) I'm part white, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) What?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) What?
BECK: (imitating Malia) What'd you say?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Excuse me?
BECK: (laughing) This is such a ridiculous -- this is such a ridiculous thing that his daughter-- (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: It's so stupid.
BECK: How old is his daughter? Like, thirteen?
GRAY: Well, one of them's, I think, thirteen, one's eleven, or something.
BECK: "Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?" Is that's their -- that's the level of their education, that they're coming to -- they're coming to daddy and saying 'Daddy, did you plug the hole yet?' " Plug the hole!
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yes, I was doing some deep-sea diving yesterday, and--
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I was doing--
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why--
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, honey, I'm--
BECK (imitating Malia) Why, why, why, why, do you still let the polar bears die? Daddy, why do you still let Sarah Palin destroy the environment? Why are -- Daddy, why don't you just put her in some sort of a camp?

Oh, daddy why did that awful, fat effeminate buffoon on Fox news, Glenn Beck's daddy not love him? Why did his mommy have to go kill herself and leave li'l Glenny all by his lonesome with nothing but a bottle of Jack Daniels to keep him warm 'n cuddly at night? Why does a 46-year-old "newscaster" feel the need to put Vick's Vapo Rub in his eyes to feign tears, or publicly bash a sweet, 11-year-old girl's innocent question about how to stop 50 million gallons of delicious oil from spewing into the Gulf of Mexico?

Daddy, why do brain-dead people with no tact, no sense, and no class find a way to get super rich and famous by being that one token idiot people like because it makes them feel better about their own miserable, pathetic lives.

Why can't I grow up to be a hypocritical, blathering butt of late night jokes and SNL skits who contradicts every word he utters, while selling his soul to the highest bidder? No not God, silly, Rupert Murdoch!

Why can't I hit the big time by writing nonsense words and pretend flow charts on a chalkboard so people think I know what I am talking about when I am really just drawing random squiggle lines, circles, and fun geometric shapes like swastikas!

Perhaps somewhere in his pure (albino) white soul, Glenn may have felt a tinge of remorse for "impersonating" Malia by speaking in a little baby voice (different from his regular one!), questioning her education level, and insinuating that she asks her father why he hates black people.

In fact, Glenny poo is such a sweetheart that he released a statement apologizing for his actions:

"In discussing how President Obama uses children to shield himself from criticism, I broke my own rule about leaving kids out of political debates. The children of public figures should be left on the sidelines. It was a stupid mistake and I apologize—and as a dad I should have known better."

But as a 46 year-old man-child fluke of nature/one wild night of drunken unprotected passion, I didn't.

Just like Malia should have known better than to ask her pops a vague question like "Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?"

Cause when you put it that way, it could mean well, anything really. Like say the uncontrollable poison spewing hole between Glenn Beck's nose and chin. That shit's needed to be plugged for years.

But no matter what we do, we can't seem to stop the torrent of toxic waste and slime oozing from deep within his big fat pie hole.

Hmmm, the nuclear option's starting to sound better every day!

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are...To Tempt Right Wing Republicans & Destroy America With Toxic Gay Blood!

On this darkest of days when freedom died all because evil, liberal lawmakers threatening to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell went ahead and did just that, voting 16-12 to let deviant homosexuals come ever closer to openly serving as an out 'n proud queer in the United States military, A Few Good Men are bravely standing up to this most terrifying threat to humanity since that gay Teletubby Tinky Winky tried to turn America's children into raging mini Eltons and Ellens.

A Few Good (straight, Christian) Men like the patriots and prophets comprising the not-at-all-tainted Family Research Council, now that George Rekers (who?) is persona non grata for hiring persona non straighta for an all-expense paid 10-day European sexcation.

So, now that all that's behind them (ha ha behind!), and the Family Research Council is once again seen as morally superior, mentally stable, strapping pillars of heterosexuality with nothing to hide, listen up America, and heed their warning!

For if thee liberals and socialists cast their vile DEMONcratic will upon the good, decent American people by repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell, the last remaining defense against the terrible temptation scourge of homosinuality will be felled, and America will suddenly be left to its own sexually confused devices, with nary a closeted right-wing minister to guide them!

And then who knows what kind of fiendish, depraved, cesspool of sin will become of the United States Armed Forces, once the DADT sacred seal of sexual purity is lifted?

Straight, petrified soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines getting fellated in their sleep, forcibly against their will. Terrified commanders too scared of being labeled homophobes to do anything about Sergeant Stripes gettin' grabbed, groped, or even Tickle-Me-Eric'd while stationed in some abandoned desert outpost in the middle of Afghanistan.

Pretty soon, the entire U.S. Army will be teeming with rainbow-colored gays, since all the straights will have already quit, out of fear of catching the dreaded gay virus of fabulousness and fashion sense rampaging through the barracks.

Well, the concerned, God-fearing minds on the Family Research Council and fellow freak fringe group America's Survival are not about to sit back (like a bunch of sissy fags) and let the liberal/homosexual cabal turn their precious U.S. military into a "terrifying free-rape zone" where "disease-tainted gay blood" courses through the ranks, threatening the very one woman+one man heterosexual fabric this nation was founded upon!

Sure, their "Asking For Trouble" video warning against the hideous blight of homosexuality may have been removed from YouTube and every other major, (liberal-run) media outlet because its insane, viciously homophobic perpetuation of stereotypes, myths, and lies demonizing gays has no basis in science or reality, but that's never stopped 'em before!

Who needs science when you've got scripture or facts when you've got faith??

Everyone knows that repealing DADT will lead to “transgendered individuals who want to dress up as members of the opposite sex and would cry ‘discrimination’ if they are not allowed to do so.”

Which may be slightly difficult considering both genders wear identical uniforms, but hey a person can dream, right?

"We are today releasing an analysis of publicly available documents which show that homosexuals in the military are three times more likely to commit sexual assaults than heterosexuals are relative to their numbers," FRC Senior Fellow for Policy Studies Peter Sprigg said, based on his very scientific "analysis" of pulling things out of his ass. "We believe this problem would only increase if the current law against homosexuality...were to be repealed."

"Taken together, these figures suggest that homosexuals in the military are about 3x as likely to commit sexual assaults as heterosexuals are." Especially the "most common type of homosexual assault in which the offender fondles or performs oral sex on a sleeping victim."

Oooh, like Rip Van Twinkle?

"If open homosexuality was permitted in the military, these numbers can only increase," Sprigg said. "The number of homosexuals would grow, the threat of discharge for homosexual behavior would be eliminated and protected class status for homosexuals would make victims hesitant to report assaults and make commanders hesitant to punish them for fear of appearing homophobic."

The next thing you know, straight soldiers will be tied, bound, and beaten to a bloody pulp all because they have the good, moral, kind of sex (missionary only!), not the going-straight-to-hell Adam and Steve kind.

"In a number of these cases the victim was sleeping or intoxicated," Sprigg said.

"Under those circumstances, their memory may be clouded and so the evidence may not be strong enough to stand up in a court-martial and actually prove guilt on a charge of forcible sodomy for example. Nevertheless, something inappropriate may have happened...and the victim will think twice about coming forth."

Think twice??? More like two thousand times!

Because then people might think he too is a terrible gay (gasp!), and nothing is worse than that, not even nightly anal rapings by his bunkmate to keep it that way!

Good thing retired Col. Dick Black, who served in the Pentagon during the creation of DADT in 1993, understands these sorts of things.

"We faced this when we started tightening up on rape," Black said. "Women were intimidated about coming forward -- they'd be called sluts or you know they hung out in bars or whatever."

"When it comes to homosexual assaults, if the perpetrator is allowed to serve openly, it will be the straight men who find themselves facing embarrassing questions about what they were wearing the night they were attacked," Black said.

OMG! Then men would be the stupid whores who "asked for it," instead of women, and everything would be upside-down, and life as we know it would be forever destroyed.

See, things were much better when everyone was allowed to rape who they wanted, and no one made a big fuss about it! Women wouldn't have to be embarrassed by testifying against their accuser, and run the risk of being labeled "loose" and men could continue having their forcible way with the hot li'l numbers begging for it by dressing all sexy-like in mini-skirts and stiletto heels.

"I think we're going to see the opposite direction when it comes to homosexual assaults," he said. "You've got typically a one-on-one situation and there would be tremendous political pressure placed on the victims to remain silent. It will be very similar to the situation we had with women 50 years ago when they were reluctant to come forward and report rape because they would be mislabeled."

And that was just slutty women! Who cares about those tramps anyway? But, imagine the stigma if a strapping young manly man had to step forward and accuse a fellow male soldier of giving him the business (while he slept like a li'l angel) after a drunken night at the mess hall? Just think of all the pain and suffering he would go through once people found out about his late-night male bonding bondage sessions and started calling him a gross gay?? It's simply outrageous! Is there any worse fate?

Other than being an uncloseted homo, of course!

Well, that, or a Republican. But then again, aren't they pretty much the same thing?

Minus that one tiny "closet" detail, that is!