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Ann Romney Knows There's Nothing Stiff About Mitt, At Least From The Waist Down

Oh Ann. When not driving around in a "couple'a Cadillacs" or saying oblivious, tone-deaf rich lady things to the American people, like how she doesn't "feel rich" (or anything, really), Mittens' delightful, faux impoverished wife enjoys ruffling a few feathers, so long as they're the finest down, exceedingly rare, and prohibitively expensive to anyone not married to a Mormon finance millionaire former governor turned presidential candidate.

Like when she is asked about Mitt's unfortunate tendency to act like a tragically uncool, improperly programmed robot obsessed with tree height not poor people's plight, and awkwardly belting out off-key versions of "America the Beautiful" every time the camera rolls, and ends up inadvertantly making a hilarious sexytime joke about his apparently flaccid, viagra-starved penis instead.

Rarrrrr, easy there Ann tiger!

Wow, these two! Mitt & Ann are like a political, married, boring Mormon Abbot and Costello yukking it up on the election trail. The hilarity that comes out of their mouths is pure gold.

Unlike their hearts.

So what if Ann Romney wants to unzip Mitt's HUGE personality and let every inch of his MorMAN stand proud?

Guess that explains why he's always talking about wood stumps being the right height.

His Upper Lip Isn't The Only Thing Stiff, My Friends!

[image via Gawker]

Turns Out Obama's Health Care Plan Does Include A Death Panel & It's Called The Supreme Court

While black teens in hoodies were being murdered for the terrible crime of WWBIGC (Walking While Black In Gated Communities), the nine Supremely irritating muumuus on the nation's High Court were chomping at the bit for some reason, any reason, to do away with that no-good Obama and his awful, un-American desire to have a health care system that doesn't toss poor people and kids with cancer into the streets like yesterday's trash, teeming with empty prescription bottles of life-saving medicine no one (except Mitt Romney) could afford to fill anyway.

I'll give you my freedom to die, sick and uninsured, when you pry it from my cold, arthritic hands. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So, just what are the chances the evil, Kenyan, Socialist, Communist, Grandma-murdering wayward medical experiment known as Obamacare lives to see another day?

Even slimmer than the flimsy, tissue paper-thin judicial reasoning the supremely partisan, supremely right-leaning Court members are using to terminate Obama's signature domestic achievement, and if all goes well, (fingers crossed!) many perfectly savable American lives too.

Hooray!

Looks like it's time for another controversial 5-4 Supreme Court decision, ladies and germs! Oooh, oooh, maybe they are going to rule that George W. Bush is president again!

Via First Read:

"Such an outcome, especially after other 5-4 decisions like Bush vs. Gore and Citizens United, would have two potential consequences. One, it would feed the perception that the U.S. Supreme Court is as partisan as Congress and increasing parts of the media; in other words, these nine justices (either trained at liberal law schools or members of the conservative Federalist Society) are essentially political actors wearing black robes."

Wait, I thought actors were supposed to be hot. Let's just call them marionettes, shall we?

"And two and most importantly, a 5-4 decision would satisfy no one. If the court strikes down the mandate and the health-care law by that narrow margin, liberals and Democrats would blame it on the conservative justices. If the mandate and law are upheld by a 5-4 decision, conservatives would point their fingers at the liberals and the unpredictable "mushy" swing justice, Anthony Kennedy. That's the problem with a split decision: The losers would feel like they lost on a political technicality, not because there was a legal consensus."

Consensus?? That's for people who have to put on actual clothes to go to work and still face the possibility of getting fired at some point in their lifetime.

One Obama administration lawyer, Edwin Kneedler, urged caution, saying it would be "extraordinary" for the court to throw out the entire law. About 2.5 million young people under age 26 are on their parents' insurance now because of the new law. If it were struck down entirely, "2.5 million of them would be thrown off the insurance rolls."

To which Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts howled in maniacal glee, while Kennedy chuckled softly to himself, hoping to finally fit in somewhere, instead of always straddling the fence like some cheap, disease-ridden whore Scalia keeps chained beneath the dais to polish his wood (gavel, you sickos!) between sessions.

Either way, CNN's Jeffrey Toobin knows this whole Supreme Court brouhaha is every kind of transportation disaster imaginable!

"This still looks like a train wreck for the Obama Administration, and it may also be a plane wreck. This entire law is now in serious trouble. It also seems that the individual mandate is doomed...Well, it's hard to imagine how things could be going much worse for the Obama Administration."

Haha, that's easy. Two words: Romney Administration. Ugh, perish the thought.

Speaking of which, at a news conference held by health care supporters outside the court room, one cancer patient praised the law for saving her life.

"Because President Obama signed the Affordable Care Act, I get to keep my house, I won't go bankrupt, my kids are going to get to go to college, and I am going to live," Spike Dolomite Ward said to cheers.

Sorry, overruled! Their Supreme Condolences, though.

[image via Getty]

Newt Gingrich Knows The Real Tragedy In Trayvon Martin's Murder Is That A Black Man Is President

While Fox News America was busy mourning the death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin by blaming the usual suspects like hooded sweatshirts and bags of skittles, instead of say, racist, heavily-armed, self-appointed, white supremacist neighborhood watchmen with nothing better to do than hunt down and kill black teenagers for sport, other people like President Barack Obama decided to get all self-reflective, and who knows, maybe even learn something from this terrible, senseless tragedy.

Ugh, the nerve!

“I can only imagine what these parents are going through,” President Obama said, adding that he couldn’t help but think about his daughters. “I think every parent in America should be able to understand why it is absolutely imperative that we investigate every aspect of this.

“My main message is to the parents of Trayvon Martin,” Obama added. “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon. I think they are right to expect that all of us as Americans are going to take this with the seriousness it deserves and we’re going to get to the bottom of exactly what happened.”

Not if oversized troll and Great White Hope Newt Gingrich has anything to say about it. Which he naturally does, in the most offensive and self-aggrandizing way possible. After all, someone's got to look out for all the little people in this great nation of ours who had the misfortune to not be born black!

“What the president said, in a sense, is disgraceful,” Gingrich said on Sean Hannity's radio show. (Because the president is black? No. Because the president is racist? Yes.)

“It’s not a question of who that young man looked like. Any young American of any ethnic background should be safe, period. We should all be horrified no matter what the ethnic background." (Except hoodie-American.)

“Is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot, that would be OK because it didn’t look like him." (No, you fucking moron, the president is suggesting that had Trayvon been white he would NOT have BEEN shot in the first place!)

"That’s just nonsense dividing this country up." (No, that's you!)

"It is a tragedy this young man was shot." (For the bullets.)

"It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American." (Not if there were hoodies involved, cause then they'd totally have asked for it. Remember, it's not about the color of the skin, it's about the cloth that covers it!)

"At some point, we ought to talk about being Americans." (Snuggies 'n snooki, y'all!)

"When things go wrong to an American, it is sad for all Americans." (Even sociopathic ones, like Newt).

"Trying to turn it into a racial issue is fundamentally wrong." (Make that sociopathically wrong). "I really find it appalling.”

Almost as appalling as pretending an unarmed black boy being shot down in cold blood by a lunatic white nutjob with a long history of harrassing unsuspecting blacks wandering into his neighborhood who may or may not have said "fucking coons" during his 911 call, is anything but a racial issue.

Or for that matter, that a bloated, white, egomaniac abandoning his cancer-stricken wife while she's laid up in a hospital bed for a younger, prettier, less-diseased new wifey is anything but an asshole issue.

High School Losercal: If You Looked Like Rick Santorum In High School, You'd Probably Hate The World Too

Oh so that explains it.

Here's Rick, err make that "Rooster" Santorum back when he was manager of his high school baseball team, presumably so he could smack hot, sweaty asses and shout "hit the showers" after every game.

And by the looks of it, the dude got even less pussy than we already suspected. Which pretty much answers all questions about the man the myth the stiff in a sweater vest who hates vagina almost as much as the emotionally fragile, money sucking, space wasting, needy trainwrecks attached to them.

But why "Rooster" you ask? Isn't it obvious? The dude loves cocks!

[image via BuzzFeed]

Rick Santorum Would Love To Grant Puerto Rico Statehood If OnlyThey Weren't So Weird & Mexicany

 Rick Santorum Shirtless: Keeping Kids Abstinent One Nipple At A Time

Rick Santorum took a break from his usual spewing nonsense about the dangers of rubbing unmarried loins together and letting silly women make important choices about their own deviant bodies to offend another oft-persecuted group of people, the scary foreign-tongued Mexicans.

Sure they may live in Puerto Rico and speak English, but that didn't stop Señor Douchebag from explaining to them in good, proper American English that if they want statehood, they must speak the language of prosperity and patriots instead of tilde "ghetto" crap.

¿Comprende amigos?

“Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law,” Santorum said. “And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language such as Hawaii but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language.”

Otherwise you become a multi-lingual whore like that hula slut Hawaii and have bastard sons who go on to become half-black, illegal Presidents of the United States of Socialism.

Not like Hawaii is a state or even part of America. Because if it were, B. Hussein Obama would be a natural-born citizen and Rick Santorum wouldn't be forced to insult entire island territories/self-governing commonwealths (or whatever the hell Puerto Rico is) by pulling a bunch of made-up shit out of his pasty-white (English-only) ass.

However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state.

Oh. So, apparently Rick Santorum knows as much about the Constitution as his wife does about orgasms.

Luckily "Santorum" means the same thing in every language.

¡Ay, caramba!

Hey America, The Donald Knows What's Weird & It Isn't Whatever Died On Top Of His Head

America's most beloved human hairpiece and billionaire cartoon character THE Donald Trump took a break from the usual destroying people's lives and slathering Crisco on his already unnaturally orange body to assume his rightful place as the #1 undisputed authority on all things weird.

Even weirder is that his name was actually "Soetoro." But hey, fuggedaboutit!

Cause either way, da Donald is as classy and on-point as ever, calling out lame, no-good OBAMA for taking his stepfather's last name after his real father abandoned him (haha loser!) instead of handing him a New York real estate empire, like some other tremendous people he knows (ahem, ahem).

Wanna know what else is weird? When Barack Obama was 47, he was elected President of the United States. When The Donald Trump was 47, he was bankrupt. WEIRDER.

But the important thing is that when he was 18, people called him Donald Trump. To his face.

Otherwise, he was mostly known as COCKSUCKER/ASSHOLE/DOUCHEBAG/DIPSHIT.

Weirdo.

[image via Wonkette]

Billionaire Everyman Mitt Romney Strangely Morphs Into A Poor, Southern Gent When Speaking To Crowd In Mississippi

Poor Mittens Romney. It's trying to act like a human being, but it just doesn't know how. Hell, the more it tries to act like an actual carbon-based, oxygen breathing entity, not futuristic cyborg Terminator Mormonator sent to terrorize humanity, the more we are all convinced it is in fact just a newer, more advanced, shapeshifting T-1000 sent back in time to kill Barack Obama and annihilate the human race in a nuclear holocaust.

And if that sounds terrifying, just look at ol' Mittens try to get in good with a crowd of Southern voters in Mississippi by explaining, naturally, how he too has this weird disease, (think it's called "being Southern"), which he caught from his unfortunate Mississippi-born bodyguard, Garrett Jackson, whose birth below the Mason-Dixon line must have somehow infected Mitt.

"He is now turning me into an, I don't know, an unofficial Southerner," Romney said. "And I'm learning to say 'y'all' and I like grits. Strange things are happening to me."

It's as if he's, gasp, one of us. A real, live (multi-millionaire) boyhick (from the North). The kind that "learns to to say y'all" and enjoys popular peasant foods like grits, because that's how they roll in the dirty dirty South, amiright?

Or maybe that's just Stage I of the rare disease known as "Unofficial Southerner Syndrome." Give it a few days. In no time at all, he'll become morbidly obese, develop type II diabetes, sport a fanny pack with a Confederate flag on it, and swing on a front porch reminiscing about secession and how the "trees are just the right height."

For lynching.

[image via PunditKitchen]

How Do I Love Thee America, Let Mitt Count The Ways...

You Know Who Else Mitt Loves? That Guy! (Oh Wait, That's A Mirror!)

Willard "Mitt" Romney is a lover of many things. Many, many generic things. He loves air, for instance. The way it effortlessly swirls around from place to place, filling up empty space without ever being noticed. The delicate way it fills your chest, pumping into your lungs. It just feels so right!

You know what else feels right? You do, America!

He loves everything about you. Your large, sturdy shape. The fearless way you shovel donut cheeseburgers down your throat, unswayed by death or diabetic coma. Your funny little houses with the wheels under them. Motor homes, if I have the lingo right. Gosh Bless 'em! The way you paint your frozen obese bodies and wear cheese on your head when cheering for sport. He can't get enough! What a country!

Want to know what else Mitt loves from the bottom of his totally relatable, totally human, non-robotic, billionaire everyman heart?

Via TPM:

He loves our land.

"I love our lands," he said. Lease it, rent it, own it, raze it, build it, bulldoze it, drill it, fill it, drain it, dry it,  there's nothing you can't do with land. Land is good, my friends! (P.S. Obama hates land and won't stop until we are floating around aimlessly, not a drop of terra firma to be found!).

He loves our people.

"I love our people," he said. Raise your hands in the air if you're white and got more than $1,000 dollars in your pocket!

He loves business.

"I love you," he told business leaders. He doesn't care what NOBAMA or the big bad gubmint says, corporations are people, my friend! Large, powerful, metal & steel-fortified, weather-resistant, amorphous people. Aesthetically pleasing on the outside, hollow and plastic on the inside. You know, just like Mitt.

He loves Michigan's lakes.

"I love the lakes," he said. Wait, but I thought it was land that was good?? LAND, remember??

He loves Michigan's inland lakes.

"There’s something very special here–the great lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan," he said. Let's call them good lakes. Not great, but decent enough. Oh, and also all the little fish that dot the parts of Michigan that are underwater. Not in the Detroit 'underwater' kind of way, either.

He loves the streets in Michigan.

"The streets are just right," he said. The way they go East and West and North and South and have painted yellow lines on them. And you should see the way all the vehicles move on them! Like butter, I tell ya! Besides, some of his best friends have streets named after them!

He loves the trees.

"You know, the trees are the right height," he said. Perfect for climbing. Or swinging. Or chopping down and making into other wonderful things, like, oh, I don't know, say, money. Unlike those giant red weirdos out in hippie-dippie Californication.

He loves cars.

"I love cars," he said. "I grew up totally in love with cars." And then he married Ann. Life is craaaaazy!

He loves the Constitution.

"I love our Constitution," he said. It had him at "We." By the time he gets to "The People," fuggedaboutit, he's already lost his shit!

He loves our freedoms.

"I love our freedoms," he said. Feels so liberating!

He loves hymns.

"I love the hymns of this nation," he said. Leave rock 'n roll to Obama and the kids. Al Green ain't got nothin' on Mitt!

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

Speaking of shining seas...

He loves the ocean.

"I love the ocean, too," he said. "I do love the ocean." But most of all when he's in his beloved Taxachusetts. If you got ocean in your yard and a yacht in your dock, say heck yeah! Eastern seaboard, what, what!

He loves water.

"I love water," he said. For drinking, bathing, swimming, and, of course, posthumously baptizing dead Jews and secretly converting them to Mormonism. You know, normal stuff.

Mitt for America! He just feels right! After all, Americans do have a weakness for white, starchy, artificial things high on taste, but devoid of all substance.

[images via Shutterstock]

Andrew Breitbart Shocks The World By Pulling His Biggest Stunt Yet: Dropping Dead

Right wing internet provocateur or as Alec Baldwin so eloquently put it, "festering boil on the anus of public discourse," Andrew Breitbart, has died in Los Angeles at age 43 "of natural causes."

Which for a conservative typically means asphyxiating on a ball-gag in full latex body suit while strapped to a wall in a dank, dark basement with electric nipple clamps and a 12-inch steel studded dildo stuffed up his ass. Well, that or a heart attack. You know, natural stuff!

Unless karma is considered a "natural cause."

Either way, the world mourns the loss of a talented writer of headlines who worked tirelessly (and anonymously) as Matt Drudge's assistant on the West Coast, blowing the lid off many a hot story, perhaps none hotter than a certain slick Democratic President catching intern blow jobs in the Oval Office, and unfortunately-named liberal New York members of Congress tweeting grainy pictures of their own bare members to young ladies throughout cyberspace.

Breitbart leaves behind a wife and four children, along with a vile collection of websites including “Big Government” and "Big Hollywood," as well as the hundreds of idiotic half-literate bloggers they employ who share his zeal for mindlessly attacking every non-wingnut aspect of life on Earth but lack his uniquely amiable personality or signature face grizzle. 

While Andrew Breitbart may not have necessarily made the world a better, Brighter place, he did make it a Breiter, angrier, more whacked-out conspiracy filled one.

And so Breitbart died the way he lived: surrounded by partisan rancor and wingnut fanatics spouting off crackpot conspiracy theories about how he was really assassinated by NOBAMA, George Soros, Rahm Emanuel's Chicago goons, the militant Left, and probably Vladimir Putin as soon as was done wrestling half the endangered species in Russia. 

Just the way he would have wanted it!

So long, Andrew, you odd, angry, stubbly-faced little man. May you Rest in Peace. The kind of peace you worked so diligently to undermine while alive.

On the bright side, at least you don't have to pay those "Big Government" taxes anymore. Though you will still likely have to contend with the good-for-nothin' maggots, worms, and creepy-crawly blood sucking leeches, albeit of the non-partisan variety.

A rebel to the very end, even in death, Andrew Breitbart defied conventional wisdom.

Dead at only 43? And I thought only the good died young!

Guess all that's left now is "Big Funeral."

[image via Politico]

Rick Santorum AKA Pope Pius XIII Wants To Vomit All Over America Because Of JFK

Insane person and frothy byproduct of anal sex Slick Rick Santorum is once again all hot 'n bothered, but this time it isn't even because of hoity-toity elitist college educations, horny teenagers grinding their privates against one another like sweaty savages, the legally sanctioned Holocaust of the unborn, or secret Muslim terrorist presidents who don't believe America is locked in a WWE-style battle to the death with Satan or women's ladyparts.

No, no, this time Rick Santorum is whining and bitching and moaning (*not in a sexual way) about something really terrifying: that one allegedly Catholic president John F. Kennedy's famous, 52-year old speech in which he says the unthinkable, “I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute.”

ABSOLUTELY revolting! So gut wrenchingly horrifying, in fact, that it makes weirdo Rick want to vomit all over your face!

Here's part of Kennedy’s remarks, specifically the part that forces His Holiness Rick Santorum to excommunicate JFK to every layer of hell, while simultaneously retching his toxic bile on the good people of America:

I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote; where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference; and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him.
I believe in an America that is officially neither Catholic, Protestant nor Jewish; where no public official either requests or accepts instructions on public policy from the Pope, the National Council of Churches or any other ecclesiastical source; where no religious body seeks to impose its will directly or indirectly upon the general populace or the public acts of its officials; and where religious liberty is so indivisible that an act against one church is treated as an act against all.

Ah yes, profoundly reasonable remarks, indeed the very tenet this fine country was founded upon...which Rick Santorum hears and promptly proceeds to go baaaaaarrrrrrffffffff and spew nasty high-projectile Santorum from his wide gaping mouth:

To say that people of faith have no role in the public square? You bet that makes you throw up. What kind of country do we live that says only people of non-faith can come into the public square and make their case? That makes me throw up and it should make every American…

Shut up, then grow up, and when I look at you I throw up, and then your mom goes around the corner and licks it up??

Now we’re going to turn around and say we’re going to impose our values from the government on people of faith, which of course is the next logical step when people of faith, at least according to John Kennedy, have no role in the public square.

Wait, what?? I always thought the next logical step was to get gay married and give Socialist fist bumps all around when people of faith froth like Rick Santorum, at least according to the American voters, have no role in the public square.

It goes without saying that Rick has no role in the private square either, but we're trying to keep our vomiting to a minimum, like say, the number of orgasms Rick's had in his lifetime. 

After all, intolerance and freedom go together just like Santorum and vomit. A match made in Judeo-Christian heaven!

Fuck Berlin, this is Santorum's world. "Ich bin ein Bulimic!"

[image via Wonkette]

Mitt Romney Is A Huge NASCAR Fan & Has Almost As Much Personality As The Cars Racing In It

Billionaire everyman Willard "Mitt" Romney simply cannot stop reminding America what a regular, down-to-earth, hard-working, obscenely wealthy, non-robot guy he is, with a white picket fence (around one of his mansions, he's sure!) and a wife who drives "a couple of Cadillacs" like the rest of you people with jobs and what's the weird "M" word again, oh yeah, mortgages.

Naturally, Mitt won't be watching the Daytona 500 or anything crazy human like that (good God, no!), 'cause I mean haha, c'mon, but some of his best friends do own racing teams and he does love sports and cars, specifically buying cars for sport. You know, typical guy stuff!

After spending much of the week in Michigan defending his opposition to the 2008 auto bailout, Mitt Romney got acquainted with a different side of the car industry during a visit to Florida’s Daytona International Speedway.

Asked Sunday if he follows racing Romney replied, “Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners,” the AP reports.

OMG, totally! Kinda like how even though he isn't specifically a fan of black people, he is friends with some former owners of black people.

Besides, Mittens doesn't have "friends." He does have people who fetch him stuff when he rings a bell, which is sort of the same thing, right?

Either way, NASCAR's #1 fanatic in a fancy dress shirt, Mitt Romney, was so revved up for the big race he could hardly contain his enthusiasm (i.e. an unnatural smile), telling the crowd the event "combines a couple of things I like best, cars and sports.''

And beer! And baseball! He doesn't technically "follow" the sport, but he does know the owners and is a big fan of diamonds.

But don't you dare think his decision to leave Michigan just days before the state's primary was a sign he was confident he'd win or anything. Heaven forbid!

"No, it's a sign of a guy who loves cars. And this has always been a place where American cars have shined. And a long history from Daytona being connected with Detroit, with Detroit cars, and with the spirit of America.''

Which he looks forward to crushing with as little emotion as is non-humanely possible, as soon as he's elected this coming November.

Declining the opportunity to trash talk a car sponsored by his rival Rick Santorum, Romney instead replied, "I just hope they all have a good race.''

Or at least one more successful than his presidential one.

[image via Reuters]

Rick Santorum Has Intimate Knowledge Of Satan; Coincidentally, It's Also The Only Thing He's Intimate With

I'm sure by now you've probably heard some vague rumblings about the mysterious substance surging through the nation, oozing its frothy, God-fearing, Santorum-y essence across the vast, toxic, anal sex-ridden, pagan and homosexual wasteland that is OBAMA'S United States.

But just who is this frumpy Jesus freak in a sweater vest spreading the gooey missionary (style) gospel of one whiny, frightened, sexually frustrated, middle aged white man who loves the ladies, save for that scary sinkhole tucked between their aspirin hugging knees?

And even more importantly, just what exactly is "burning down there," Rick? The eternal flame of a 2,016 year-old Jewish carpenter who somehow made his way into his already-bunched up tighty-whities?? The volcanic force of thousands of pent-up erections ready to explode inside virginal Christian wombs the world over?

The work of the great S-named force of evil plaguing our once-pure, once-chaste, once-white Christian nation? No, no not Sex. Give up? Why Satan, of course!

"Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American tradition."

Please don't say the pussy willow, anything but pussy please!

"This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country - the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

Likely after they sowed their freedom juice into the French hookers Ben Franklin was kind enough to share with the rest of his fellow founding brethren.

Naturally, Santorum defended his comments at a rally in Phoenix, saying that unlike his Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, it's "absurd" they resurfaced in the first place.

“It's a joke, it's absurd," he said. "I‘m a person of faith. I believe in good and evil. I think if somehow or another because you’re a person of faith you believe in good and evil is a disqualifier for president, we’re going to have a very small pool of candidates who can run for president."

Don't be ridiculous, Rick! You and your freaky, sex-hating, loin-burning, misogynistic Christian lunatics are more than welcome to run for president. It's just the winning part that's off-limits.

"Our president refuses to call evil – evil. He refuses to even name it, refuses to confront it. He tries to appease and cajole it in an effort to reduce America's commitments around the world - that if we just have paper or if we just try to make nice with those who are actively doing harm to America and its allies, that somehow or another that threat will go away or be ameliorated."

"And what we have found is that is simply, from history, it doesn't work."

Sort of like whatever Rick's got "burning" down there.

With polls showing Romney and Santorum in a statistical dead heat and primaries looming in both Arizona and Michigan, Rick appealed to the audience about the importance of the upcoming contests.

"You are going to have a huge impact," he said. "Everybody is focused in on Super Tuesday. But more than anything else, what happens in Michigan and Arizona next week is going to have the biggest impact on Super Tuesday and this election than any two states."

Well, other than his favorite states, denial and suppression.

Let's just hope Santorum doesn't blow his load first. Err, lead, I meant lead!!

After all, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. If it wasn't for that damn trail of Santorum left behind!

[image via AP]

No Way José! Crazed, Right-Wing, Immigrant-Hating Arizona Sheriff Is Almost As Good At Screwing Over Mexicans As He Is At Screwing Them

When you think of crazed, Mexican-hating, wingnut Arizona sheriffs, normally the first thing that comes to mind is a crazed, gay, Mexican-hating, wingnut Arizona sheriff who hates his own hideous homo self even more than the terrible Mexicans he's always shrieking about, that he actually tries to deport his gay Mexican lover for the terrible crime of being, well, umm, his gay Mexican lover.

It may sound like a page out of some trashy queer pulp novel about cowboys who like other cowboys, but turns out it's the true, real life story of Mexican deportin' Republican Pinal County Sheriff by the name of Paul Babeu with an unquenchable (albeit inconvenient) thirst for the semen of illegal Mexican men.

Which, for a self-hating homosexual in the parched, whites-only hellscape that is Aryanzona, can be quite a doozy!

According to the Phoenix New-Times:

Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu — who became the face of Arizona border security nationally after he started stridently opposing illegal immigration — threatened his Mexican ex-lover with deportation when the man refused to promise never to disclose their years-long relationship, the former boyfriend and his lawyer tell New Times.

The latest of the alleged threats were made through Babeu’s personal attorney, who’s also running the sheriff’s campaign for Congress in District 4, the ex-lover says.

"Jose" says he met Babeu in October 2006 on gay.com, a dating website. What started with an online invitation from Babeu for the two to get together, he says, turned into not only a personal relationship but a professional one.

Jose says he created and maintained Babeu’s campaign websites, his Facebook page, and his Twitter account. Babeu didn’t pay him for his online services, he claims.

Or at least not in actual currency. Sadly, semen is not yet legal tender in the United States (or Mexico!) but hopefully Santorum will change that.

Despite the steamy allegations, Babeu has naturally decided to continue running for Congress because that's what publicly humiliated, painfully hypocritical, self-loathing, cock loving Republican political hopefuls do. Hell, it's pretty much part of the GOP oath at this point!

Besides, he's obviously very tough on illegal immigration, particularly when it comes to the actual Mexican men he is sodomizing. We can only assume he is the one doing the sodomizing, since as a Republican sheriff in Arizona, his whole existence is to prevent penetration.

But there's something awfully familiar about this bigoted gay Republican, beyond the usual comically tragic tale of secrets, lies, and self-destructing as Mitt Romney's current campaign chairman in Arizona.

Hmmmm...

Oh right, he's the same misshaped skull, Mr. Clean look-a-like who starred in John McCain's enlightened 2008 campaign video, "Complete The Danged Fence!"

And what a fence it is! Serving the dual purpose of keeping the gross Mexicans out while at the same time keeping his inner demons in.

America's first border fence, in all its radiant glory(holes)! Finally, the kind of protection even Republicans can get behind!

Pete Hoekstra's Racist, Lie-Filled Ad Shows How To Lose An Election & Alienate Voters In 30 Seconds Or Less

Now, normally when a smug, disingenuous politician, like say, Rep. Pete Hoekstra of Michigan, releases a totally offensive, cartoonishly racist ad featuring an Asian lady riding a bicycle through Asian rice paddies and taunting Michiganers about how lazy and unemployed they are through stereotypical broken English, their popularity increases exponentially, usually as a misguided populist (i.e. Teabagger) backlash to the lamestream media shouting "racist" and "completely offensive."

This is how politics tend to work in America, or at least ever since that half-black secret Muslim terrorist Socialist won (stole?) the White House and racism vanished completely by hiding beneath colonial wigs, Jesus Saves t-shirts, and obese white men and women wearing tea bags on their heads and shrieking about taking their country back from some mysterious dark force with a charming smile, sensible ideas and weird, Muslim-y sounding name.

But then something strange and wonderful happened. Instead of propelling Pete Hoekstra to the top and all but securing a Republican victory, his terrible ad backfired, causing his poll numbers to plummet and reminding everyone why, for whatever reason— karma? — a dumb, lying, racist ad fails to win the hearts and minds of anyone.

What’s interesting is that Stabenow’s approval numbers have barely budged at all over the last 6 months. Over the summer we found her at 46/40, and now she’s at 47/41. But Hoekstra’s numbers have taken a turn for the worst. In July his favorability was narrowly positive at 31/30. Now he’s dropped a net 11 points to a -10 spread at 28/38. There hasn’t been a big shift in his numbers with Democrats or Republicans but with independents his numbers have flipped from +10 (33/23) to -10 (29/39).

Hoekstra appears to have been damaged by his controversial Super Bowl ad. 54% of voters in the state were familiar with it, and within that group 45% said it made them less likely to vote for him compared to only 16% who considered it a positive and 37% who said it didn’t make a difference to them either way. Independents said they were turned off by it and he’s gone from leading with them by 6 points in July to now trailing by 4 points.

Perhaps some good advice for Pete "SpendItNot" Hoekstra is the next time you pretty much have the Republican nomination wrapped up and think to run a buffoonish race-baiting ad during the Super Bowl, ask yourself am I trying to alienate everyone who doesn't wear white robes and cone-shaped hoods over their heads? If the answer is no, then it's probably best to ShowItNot.

Unless, of couse you're LINsane!

Otherwise, you pay heavy plice, Conglessman Holkstlah! No Happy Ending for you!

Guess that's just the way the (fortune) cookie crumbles.

[image via Wonkette]

Newt Gingrich Would Like To Wish You A Happy Valentine's Day By Ruining It Completely

It's Valentine's Day and naturally there's only one thing on everyone's mind: What hot, romantic, sexytime plans does ladykiller Newt Gingrich have for his beautiful, cancer (and brain!)-free third wife Callista?

Will he shower her with lavish Tiffany diamonds he can't afford? Will he feed her the finest chocolates from around the world? Haha, just kidding, everyone knows the only sweet delectables the Gingriches put in their mouths are made right here in the ol' Jesus-and-prosperity-blessed US of A, if delicious heart-shaped treats are still allowed in the vast COMMIE wasteland that is OBAMA's America.

But before Newt can do what he probably hasn't done in years, which is of course, to bed the alien woman he is actually married to, he must first satisfy his bloodthirsty lust to crush and devour anything and everything in his path, including flaming Godless liberals and their flaming Godless (*cough* Mormon *cough*) BFF Mittens Romney.

Like every other once-hope-and-love filled, now-toxic-and-grotesque thing Newt touches, his Valentine's Day well-wishes quickly transformed into his Valentine's Day massacre, aka, his new attack website, Liberals Love Romney.

There he points out all the little-known truths about how Romney and all his various liberal manfriends are all secret Muslim terrorists who do weird, secret homo things while plotting their ultimate dream of forcing every man, woman and child on Earth to get an abortion while masturbating with the holy bible.

Newt's got all the usual suspects, Barack Obama, George Soros, Saul Alinsky (gasp!), Al Gore, and ARGGH, OMG, wait, what is that weird looking thing next to him, oh right a woman. Gross, get that baby-producing, ovary-filled freak out of here before all the men start having weird things like feelings flutter through their perfectly stoic, emotionless bodies.

If Newt's lunatic site is any indication, looks like it's gonna be a lovely Valentine's for Mitt Romney. But what's about Newt's own heart-shaped box of love? Inquiring Insane minds would like to know! Warning: the following may induce nasea, vomiting, and an uncontrollable urge to rip your eyes and/or ears out of your head.

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate. People in the audience hooted audibly.

Almost (but not quite) embarrassed, Gingrich looked around to supporters on stage and joked, “After that question, I need something a little stronger than water.”

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?” A man behind him on the stage smiled knowingly.

Ummm, frigid as the winter air on the moon??

The candidate, grinning, held his hands up, “But I’m not going to get into — no more details!”

WHAT?? NOOOOOO! NO FAIR! Now we'll never get to hear all about the lovely, deliciously romantic whole suckled pig they feasted on before calling it an evening and retiring to their separate bedrooms to be with the one person they love more than anything else in the whole world: themselves.

Rick Santorum would be so proud!

Chris Christie Vows To Reject New Jersey Gay Marriage Law Faster Than A Jenny Craig Diet

Rejoice gays and gayettes! New Jersey's Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will shimmy-shake its fabulous self on down to the State Assembly, which will pass it, because why the hell not? From there it will shake its groove thing over to the desk of New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches Fat Fattie Chris Christie, who will promptly veto it and then curse out some old ladies and Kindergarteners for his tasty after-breakfast snack.

Naturally, Democrats in the Garden State won't have the numbers to overturn Christie's veto, so the sanctity of marriage in the filthy, grease-filled shores of New Jersey will fortunately remain limited to Snooki and the bronzed Italian meathead kind enough to take her hand in both holy matrimony and while relieving herself in the back alley of some seedy bar outside Atlantic City.

Because in order to actually become legal in New Jersey, gay marriage legislation would have to accomplish what light itself cannot, which is, of course, to get around Chris Christie.

But Democrats aren't about to allow 500 lbs of redfaced blubbery obstruction stop them from celebrating their awesome, nothing-more-than-symbolic victory for equality and decency, amiright?

Fuggedaboutit!

From the Star-Ledger:

Gay marriage opponents say such a stalemate will put New Jersey’s 10-year debate on ice for a long time. Supporters, however, will treat a vote by both houses as an important milestone in a fight they will continue to wage.
“I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.
Steven Goldstein, chairman of the gay rights advocacy group Garden State Equality, said the group will celebrate if it passes.
“This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

Or to phrase it in a way Chris Christie can digest, let's call it the Turducken of civil rights.

[image via Gawker]

Oy Vey! Rick Santorum's Gift To The Jews Is A Holiday Wish From Jesus Christ

Leave it to sweater-vest rocking, missionary-sex crusading, Christ loving, gay-bashing Republican Rick Santorum to know just what the Jews of South Carolina (all six of them!) want to hear around Hanukkah time: A quote from Jesus Christ in the New Testament threatening people who don't follow HIS word. Here's looking at you, Jews!

Because nothing says "friend of the Jews" more than a gold and red "Holiday Season" card inscribed with a Christian Bible verse reminding the Chosen people why, by refusing to worship Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, they have chosen to go straight to hell.

Or as the Jews say, Chell.

Which, coincidentally enough, feels remarkably like South Carolina.

Seriously, Rick, haven't the Jews suffered enough?

Rick Santorum Is Frothing Mad That Equal Rights For All Applies To Weird, Scary (Tempting?) Homosexuals

Stripped away, really Rick? Stripped? No sexual connotation there.

Wait, what? Apparently, Rick "Google me at your own risk" Santorum confuses restoring rights with destroying rights. Or at least when it comes to gross gays and lezzies who Rick knows shouldn't be allowed to get gross gay-married or do anything except get ridiculed, marginalized, and discriminated against by bigoted closet cases straight-as-a-heterosexual who thinks nonstop about men putting their penises into other men's assholes.

Guess when it comes to asssholes, it takes one to know one, right, Rick? But what does the rest of one man+one woman America think about the worst miscarriage of justice since millions of white kids had their rights to separate, negro-free schools stripped away by activist judges in Brown v. Board of Education?

Finally one thing we can all agree on: Rick Santorum is the worst human ever!

But the dude sure is funny.

"As President I will work to protect marriage."

Hahahahah. "As President." Good one, Rick. Good one.

That's almost as good of a joke as your (hetero)sexuality!

Louisiana Rep. John Fleming Shocked To Learn Onion's "Abortionplex" Story Is Fake; Rest Of Nation Shocked That Someone From Louisiana Can Actually Read

Wingnut Republican Representative from Louisiana John Fleming was soooooo busy bitching about feeding his apparently very hungry family on his slave wage of $6.3 million a year that he completely missed the not exactly subtle point that The Onion is a satirical publication, meaning it is a joke, not real, is fake, and is meant to provide some light-hearted entertainment to go along with your morning coffee and the real, less hilarious news of death, war, and global economic collapse.

Which must be why he made the *all-too-common (*for morons) mistake of thinking The Onion's article on Planned Parenthood's new $8 Billion Abortionplex, a sweet state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility complete with coffee shops, bars, dozens of restaurants and retail outlets, a three-story nightclub, and a 10-screen multiplex theater to make aborting that li'l miracle of God a more pleasant, socially enjoyable experience, was real and imploring all his Facebook followers to join him in his typically male, typically Republican, typically pro-life (until birth) outrage.

Whoopsies!

Good thing someone must've informed ol' John Fleming that Kansas' alleged Abortion MegaMall was actually a joke only a retarded person would believe to be true because he quickly deleted his Facebook post before it made him “seem like” an idiot.

Sort of like how his views on everything makes him "seem like" an asshole. Wait, or was it Republican? I can never remember the difference!

The moral of the story is that while Planned Parenthood isn't offering wholesale abortions of fetuses, Louisiana Republicans are in fact offering wholesale abortions of frontal lobes.

Mitt Romney Is "Not Concerned About The Very Poor," Nor Apparently Winning Anything But The Hatred Of 99% Of America

Ah Mittens. Fresh off a most undeserved and uninspired victory over a gelatinous blob of ethical lapses and abandoned wives in the Florida Republican primary, Willard "Mitt" Romney proceeded to promptly squander all momentum and break the Golden Rule of presidential politics: pretend not to be the cold, heartless, asshole you really are.

Whoopsies!

You see, to billionaire everyman Mitt Romney, poor people are like unicorns. He's heard of them, but never actually seen one. (Or at least not in the wilds of Massachusetts' gated communities).

Which is probably why Mittens continued the ill-advised practice of opening up his awful rich person's mouth and letting words flow forth like sister-wives to the altar, terrifying Soledad O'Brien and the half-dozen or so other people actually watching CNN.

"I'm in this race because I care about Americans," Mitt said. "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair I'll fix it."

And if the handyman he held his nose while hiring can't get the job done (ugh, dumb poors!), he'll move on to his next favorite activity: firing people.

But since Mitt is clearly not concerned about the gross poors (the free market will take care of them), what exactly is he concerned about? (Just kidding! We know he really doesn't care about anybody).

"I'm not concerned about the very rich; they're doing just fine." (Just fine, indeed, wink wink!). "I'm concerned about the very heart of America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling...We will hear from the Democrat party on the plight of the poor and there's no question, it's not good being poor (he's never really thought about it, but he'll take their word for it!), and we have a safety net to help those that are very poor."

And what a fine safety net it is! Manufactured in China by NetCo, LLC, a subsidiary of Bain Capital, and strong enough to catch a full-grown man plunging to the bottom in a dizzying self-induced freefall from the high horse he's permanently perched upon.

So that's what they mean about wealth trickling down!

[image via AP]

People Of The Sunshine State: Sarah Palin Urges America To Rage Against The Machine (& All Rational Thought) And Make Newt The Man

Former reality teevee star and failed vice-president, governor, political pundit, mother, grifter, fame whore, EVERYTHING, Sarah Palin, took a break from the usual Facebook trolling and illiterate Tweeting to continue her bizarre quest endorsing Newt Gingrich because of some on-again, off-again, leftist hard rock band from the '90s. Or something like that.

Here's Mama Grizz herself telling resident Fox News muppet and Fran Drescher wannabe Jeanine Pirro all the wonderful reasons why Newt Gingrich is the right man, not machine, for the job.

"When both party machines and many in the media are trying to crucify Newt Gingrich for bucking the tide and bucking the establishment that tells you something."

It does?? Like that he'll buck just about anything, including his cancer and MS-stricken wives, respectively?

Urging people to “rage against the machine,” Palin continued, “Vote for Newt. Annoy a liberal. Vote Newt. Keep this vetting process going, keep the debate going.”

You hear that people? Keep the debate going! Right into the gutter. It's fun, plus you get to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE and ANNOY A LIBERAL, all in one fell swoop, err, make that one fell Newt!

Because nothing would annoy (and by annoy, we of course mean, delight) liberals more than the good people of Florida voting a thrice married, twice divorced, faux intelligent, serial adultering, shamelessly amoral huckster who may or may not have secretly promised Sarah Palin a cabinet position in his fantasy moon colony, the winner of the Florida Republican primary.

NOTHING! Well, except maybe Zack de la Rocha and Tom Morello spitting rhymes and shredding chords at this year's Coachella in honor of everyone's fave mooniacs, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin.

With a special set-list including such hits as:

Bull(shit) On Parade
People Of The Sun Moon
Sleep Now In The (Eternal Hell) Fire
Killing In The Name (of Jesus Christ)
No Shelter (for Mexicans)
(Dead) Guerrilla Radio
How I Could Just Kill a Man (with a 9mm Hollow-Point Bullet)
FreeDUMB
Testify (Against a Liberal Activist Judge)
Renegades of DysFunktion
Vietnow (and Forever)

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, Florida people.

Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Reminding America Why It's South Carolina In The First Place

Well, well, that was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining, bloated, real life Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and serial adultering sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been declared the Big Wiener of the South Carolina Confederate Republican primary. Hooray! Now all of America can experience the amphibeous-named, Tiffany bling-encrusted, white-capped mountain of sleaze that is Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich. Let's just hope America has been drinking their açaí berry shakes and practicing their sun salutations because otherwise Newt will do to America what he's done to everything else he's ever loved: move on to the next younger, hotter CUNTry. Oops, Country, I mean Country!

So while the Big Newt, err, make that the Big News of the day is that a white, womanizing, racist asshole takes the bacon in the wonderful State where the Civil War started (crazy, I know!), those who don't reside in The Palmetto State, or as it's more commonly known, North Carolina's redheaded stepchild, can still feel a part of the wingnut political process, thanks to the boldest, tackiest, NSFW-iest political gear to hit the market this election year. Perfect for the crazed Teabagging asshole in your life! Wear one to your next (and last!) job interview and let the whole world know which appendage Uncle Sam can suck, without having to say a word!

And proudly wear your hate on your sleeve! Because if there's one thing people who like terrible, offensive polticial t-shirts looooove it is hating immigrants. Not like your average, milky white, red freckled, O'Sullivan or O'Reilly from Dublin. Remember, "immigrants" is Republican for "Mexicans," as is any other brown-skinned persons of broad latino descent born south of Brownsville, Texas.

The other general rule of thumb for people who purchase this type of political attire is a blind, albeit almost pathological hatred of President Barack Obama. This hate must be so strong that it bends the rules of logic, physics, grammar, the universe, and comparison-making. Obama is Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Che Guevera, Pol Pot, the Joker from Batman, Bill Cosby, Uncle Tom, King Kong, Godzilla, Aunt Jemima, every black stereotype ever (here's looking at you Buckwheat!), a dork, dweeb, nerd, liar, elitist, secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist, and of course, a shit sandwich, as these t-shirts so tastefully prove. The best part? These tees come in a variety of exciting, PC colors like Sanchez Brown, Drunken Irish, Funeral Black, Blue Balls, Period Red, Pussy Pink, Blow White, and Bong Ash so you can you can look your best while being the worst!

Ugh, you know what really grinds wingnuts' gears? When gross smart people run the government! With their elitist knowledge and intelligence. It's enough to make a person sick! What America needs isn't more "community organizers" or hoity-toity "college graduates." Hell no! What it needs is a bunch of toothless, drunk, heavily armed, high school dropouts to make America great again by expelling all the Messicans and gays while bombing the bejesus out of as many foreign, oil-rich Muslim countries as their GED brains can think of. Next stop, Arabia!

Nothing screams sexy like an angry, naked Mama Grizz mounting Nancy Pelosi from behind, locked in a full nelson, and forced to submit to a woman elected to a position for which she isn't even running. Women's Rights are so 2008! Sarah Palin/Horny Men 2012! You betcha!

¡Ay, caramba! This shirt ordering all illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH is great except for the one tiny, little thing: the shirt is written in FUCKING ENGLISH! Though, extra bonus racist points for hot girl's middle finger. The universal language for junior high school kids to let the whole world know they just don't give a F*CK 'bout nothin! Except of course, poorly spoken, grammatically incorrect, AMERICAN JESUS ENGLISH.

Ummm, I don't know about you, but Vanilla Ice threatening to rip my eyeballs out and have sex with my empty orbital sockets is enough to keep me from setting Old Glory ablaze anytime soon. Mission Accomplished!?

Oh, yeaaaaah! Every dad who purchases this badboy is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney. Or Chaz Bono. Or, God forbid, Marcus Bachmann! **Shudder**

So get your awesome wingnut tee today and let the whole world know, "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech" what happens when bad decision-making meets 40 ounces of malt liquor deep in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA, like oh, I don't know, say, South Carolina.

Freedom's a bitch, y'all!

Ron Paul Likes His Airplane Seats Like He Likes His Citizens: In Different Classes

New (Old) Flavor of the month (white power chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible.

Like, say, the latest, greatest selection of newsletters allegedly penned by a certain Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul recently unearthed by the terrible, no-good liberal Jew run media, whose highlights, err lowlights, include:

• A segment called “Race War?” from the June 1990 issue of Political Report warns that a race war might be imminent due to “the victimization mentality created by the civil rights movement, where every black failure is a white crime. If there is indeed this sort of trouble ahead, it is just another reason why every honest American should be armed.”

• “Today, gangs of young blacks bust into a bank lobby firing rounds at the ceiling…We don’t think a child of 13 should be held as responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult, and should be treated as such” — a riff on bank robberies from the September 1992 issue of Survival Report.

• “Were there, as some people now say, two bombs that went off in the building? And might the government have the wrong man? Who doubts the possibility that the government – which lied about Waco and Ruby Ridge – may also be covering up true information and planting false information about the Oklahoma bombing?” — a conspiracy theory on the Oklahoma City bombing from the September 1996 Survival Report. 

• “Any organization hated by the IRS and the Trilaterialist Time magazine has got to have something going for it!” — a defense of the Church of Scientology in the June 1991 issue of the Political Report.

• “AIDS can be transmitted through means other than sexual intercourse and blood transfusion, specifically saliva, tears, sweat, feces and urine” — from the March 1987 edition of the Investment Report. In the same document, the author also called for the repeal of “federal laws which force schools to accept students known to carry a fatal, communicable disease, and businesses to employ adult victims as ‘handicapped.’”

• “[Magic] Johnson may be a sports star, but he is dying because he violated moral laws” — from the December 1991 issue of Political Report.

• “[T]he criminal ‘Justice’ Department wants to force dentists to treat these Darth Vader types under the vicious Americans With Disabilities Act” — a proclamation that AIDS patients (“Darth Vader types”) should not be allowed to visit the dentist, in the November 1993 issue of the Political Report. The author also adds, “[W]e all have the right to discriminate, which is what freedom of association is all about, especially against killers.”

OMG, so true! You know what else is true? The freedom of Karma to turn you into a frail, pathetic, decrepit old weirdo so vile and hateful even his eyebrows scrammed the hell off his face.

Which is almost as a-PAUL-ling as the self-proclaimed most "frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race" charging taxpayers nearly $52,000 all so he could fly in style, specifically first-class style, during his freqent trips between Washington and his home district in Texas.

From the AP:

But Paul's congressional travel conflicts with claims in campaign appearances that he's the most frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race.

"The talk you hear in Washington is pure talk, because there is nobody suggesting, the other candidates are not talking about real cuts," Paul said in a speech to supporters last week after his second-place finish in New Hampshire.

Now normally an elderly person who flies constantly with the means to fork over thousands of dollars to avoid being crammed into the steerage section of a commercial airliner is no big deal. More power to 'em!

But for a man who never votes for any budget or major spending bill and seriously thinks it is better to let people starve, drown, burn, or die of cancer in the streets than add one bloody red cent to the big bad gubmint deficit, is what the rest of the civilized world calls the worst kind of spineless hypocrite.

Because the person who is outraged by, say, a $25k public arts grant and is always prattling on about how "every little bit counts" and "you have to start somewhere" should at the very least not be the same one who tosses around hard-earned taxpayer money for a few extra inches of leg room, a hot towel, and the ability to look down on the stupid POVS who can't even afford to be on Ron's side of the curtain divider.

Not to mention, all the perfectly good federal money wasted on silly, trivial things like state-supported air traffic control, subsized airports, and paved landing strips when Ron Paul should know better than anyone that the invisible hand of the free market will surely keep his plane in the air and guide it safely on its journey, using not GPS and computers but smoke signals and supply side economics.

Truth is, if Ron was really serious about the whole thing, he'd go the old fashioned way, pulled by oxen in a covered wagon through dangerous, uncharted terrain and winding backwoods, untainted by Uncle Sam's coddling hand, but teeming with scurvy and dystentery just like the Good Lord and Ron Paul intended.

Screw Patrick Henry, thanks to Ron Paul, we can all take a deep breath and exclaim, "Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death!"

[image via AP]

The Only Thing Scarier Than Ron Paul's Policies Is The Size Of A Certain Ron Paul Supporter

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

As if crazed crypt keeper/Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul and his fantasy vision of a post-apocalyptic American wasteland of small government and even smaller minds wasn't scary enough (umm, need I mention Rand?), the man who makes John McCain look young and stable by comparison went out and found himself the perfect foil to his own feeble, decrepit self: a real live freaking giant!

The preferred wingnut accompaniment to any second place victory speech, New Hampshire or elsewhere! Plus, what better way to return to the glorious gold standard and roving bands of toothless, heavily armed cannibals that is Ron Paul's America than your own personal workhorse, extra large enforcer, skilled beanstalk climber, portable chair lift, and ready-made meal, in case of emergency, like say a Ron Paul presidency. Cause you know it's not just muscle on those jumbo size bones!

So hooray for Ron Paul, who is either running for President of the United States or embarking on an epic journey to destroy a magic ring by throwing it in a volcano where it was forged.

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Libs and poors are the worst kind of scum!

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind for Ron Paul. See, anything really is possible! Except a Ron Paul victory, or, apparently, a Ron Paul supporter with normal human characteristics, be it limb size or empathy.

Ron Paul/Fezzik 2012!

[images via Buzz Feed]