Saturday, October 31, 2009

Ken Cuccinelli's Virginia Is For Straight Lovers & Lovers Of Animals

Virginia may be for lovers (dog and otherwise) but it is certainly not for homosexuals. Heaven forbid!

And Ken Cuccinelli, the Republican candidate for Virginia's attorney general intends to keep it that way. Which is why, if elected, he will absolutely not commit to enforcing some sissy nondiscrimination policy protecting homos because they are not normal people like you, me and those five cops arrested for masturbating a German Shepherd.

As he explained to The Virginian-Pilot, "My view is that homosexual acts, not homosexuality, but homosexual acts are wrong. They’re intrinsically wrong. And I think in a natural law-based country it's appropriate to have policies that reflect that...They don’t comport with natural law. I happen to think that it represents (to put it politely; I need my thesaurus to be polite) behavior that is not healthy to an individual and in aggregate is not healthy to society."

Well thank the good Lord someone has the courage of conviction to stand up to those deviant pink triangle people. Otherwise, who knows what sick, twisted things might happen?

Let the kooky queers have their way and next thing you know five Virginia Department of Corrections officers are charged with animal cruelty for fondling a K-9 dog and videotaping the entire canine rubdown.

According to Powhatan Commonwealth’s Attorney Robert B. Beasley Jr., one of the officers, Kelvin Thompson, "allegedly had some sexual contact with the animal," adding that the male dog, a German shepherd or shepherd mix, was not harmed.

"Essentially, he was touching the dog’s penis with his hand," Beasley said. "The others were there filming it. That’s actually how we learned of it — there’s a video."

Terry N. Grimes, a Roanoke attorney representing officer Thompson, said his client planned to plead not guilty to animal cruelty but admitted to fondling the animal.

"I would characterize it as hazing," he said, claiming that Thompson was told by the others, "If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it."

Beasley said all five officers were training at the Academy for Staff Development to become K-9 handlers and now face the same misdemeanor animal-cruelty charges, punishable by up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine.

"They were all kind of there assisting in one way or the other," he said.

Between Virginia's whole "treat homos equally" nondiscrimination hullabaloo and felony bestiality charges requiring more than just innocent "petting" but "carnal knowledge of a brute beast" (aka hot sex w/Lassie), such lax sex laws are simply an open invitation to the Devil's Playground.

Luckily, there's Ken Cuccinelli to ensure the gays know recess is over. If they want equal rights, they're barking up the wrong tree.

In Cuccinelli's Virginia, that's reserved for police officers who like to give hand jobs to their dogs, thank you very much. We're trying to create a "healthy society" here, remember?

Friday, October 30, 2009

If The Public Option Doesn't Kill You First, Mitch McConnell's Stupidity Will

Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell sees where the Republican Party is going (not far) and naturally wants to lead the way. Unlike that dumb cow Michael Steele, big Mitch is not about to let this train(wreck) leave the station without its captain on board. No sir-ee!

That's why this responsible GOP leader from Kentucky is taking his dire warning of a health care reform holocaust straight to the American people!

Don't let those demonic Democrats fool you--the public option just "may cost you your life."

Luckily, Mitch McConnell is here to guide us through this medical apocalypse.

Excerpts of his enlightened interview on Dennis Miller's radio show:

MCCONNELL: Well, it doesn’t make any difference frankly whether you opt-in or you opt-out, it’s still a government plan. You know, Medicaid, the program for the poor now, states can opt-out of that, but none of them have. I think if you have any kind of government insurance program, you’re going to be stuck with it and it will lead us in the direction of the European style, you know, sort of British-style, single payer, government run system. And those systems are known for delays, denial of care and, you know, if your particular malady doesn’t fit the government regulation, you don’t get the medication.

MILLER: Right. (Really Dennis??)

MCCONNELL: And it may cost you your life. I mean, we don’t want to go down that path.

No we certainly do not! Anything's better than letting the evil government of this country we adore be in charge of a program that directly affects the lives of millions of its citizens. That would be like asking death on a date.

Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather play it safe and stick with what works. Or what doesn't, if you're Republican. Better screwed than sorry!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sarah Palin Doesn't Have Time For Naked Retards Like Levi Johnston

Alaskan oilfield worker turned celebrity baby daddy turned famous nude model Levi Johnston is apparently getting ready for his next big gig stuffed and hanging as the newest decorative piece on a wall in Sarah Palin's home office.

Which would help explain Johnston's interview on CBS's "The Early Show" repeating his earlier accusation that Sarah Palin is a terrible person and even worse mother who routinely referred to her son, Trig, who suffers from Down syndrome, as her "retarded baby."

"I was just in shock for the first time I heard it," Johnston said. "And then she'd say it regularly. And I think she was joking, but it doesn't make it right."

You bet(cha) your special needs ass it doesn't!

But being the gentleman he is, Levi's not gonna sit here and bad mouth that conniving, fame-seeking fraud Sarah Palin, opting to take the high road instead.

"There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven’t said them because I'm not gonna hurt her that way...You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s — I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far."

Still, Johnston said, "Those are just little things I put in Vanity Fair. You know, all the big things I got, I'm keeping -- you know, I'm keeping them in, and -- you know, it's just something that probably will never come out."

But don't worry because the real goods are still coming out--in an upcoming issue of Playgirl magazine--when Levi exposes the Johnston America's been waiting for.

Rest assured because like everything else Levi is involved in, the Playgirl spread will be done "tastefully."

"I'm not gonna just go out there and get naked." Ha ha, I mean what do you think he is some kind of idiot or something?

Whatever dude. Levi knows haters like Sarah will always do whatever they can to bring playas like him down.

"I'm sure Sarah's got something coming for me...I'm not worried about her saying anything about me. I've really never done anything bad. I don't have anything to hide. So she can go on and say what she wants."

Oh don't you worry Levi, something tells me that's one thing you can bank on.

Loyal Palin spokeswoman and defender from evil event planners Meg Stapleton is all over this latest attack on her majesty.

"We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family," Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said in an email. "We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our ‘blessed little angel’ who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life. Even the thought that anyone would refer to Trig by any disparaging name is sickening and sad."
Palin, who did not refer to Johnston (as a blessed little angel or specifically by name at all) singled out CBS for giving him a "forum to propagate lies" and alluded to Johnston's upcoming bare-all spread in Playgirl magazine.

“Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies - those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention,” she said.

Well well, imagine that. Guess you could just say he decided to go rogue!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Michele Bachmann Would Love To Be Queen To This "Stunning" King

Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann may be willing to slit her wrists for freedom but turns out patriotic bloodletting isn't the only thing to get this right-wing raven all hot and bothered.

That my friends is up to kindred spirit and "stunning" fellow nutball Rep. Steve King of Iowa whose sexy baby blues and virulent homophobia is enough to melt the ice-cold heart of this seductively unstable Land O' Lakes vixen.

In fact, Michele Bachmann is so smitten with this anti-gay crusading, chiseled, stud muffin that she cannot use a single word to describe this sexy, rock-hard definition of manhood other than stunning.

Michele's latest eye-f**king of Mr. King occurred just this week on the House floor when she yielded to the "stunning" Representative from Iowa and proved to the world her true calling lies not in Congress but in low-budget pornography films where her and Steve would be free to strip amendments and filibuster each other all night long.

While Bachmann may not be ready or mentally balanced enough to make a White House run of her own, she does know one studly, testosterone-pumping beefcake of a man who would be a perfect candidate to get embarrassed in 2012.

"I have a very high opinion of Steve King and his ability, so I would encourage him to consider any position for higher office." Or any position where he's on top of her for that matter.

While Bachmann attributes the "stunning" nickname to the national media, political commentators and other such pundits and insiders, the ever-adorable congressman from Minnesota seems to be the only person actually using the stunning label to describe King.

Asshole, sure. Racist whackjob, maybe. Ignorant bigot, no doubt. But stunning? Eh, a quick search of Google and Lexis Nexis seems to prove that's reserved for Michele and Michele alone.

Let's examine the evidence:

I must have my cape on. To the stunning gentleman from Iowa, the great Steve King, I want to thank you for allowing me to be a part of this discussion that you're broaching. And you've done a wonderful job all week on different occasions talking about the true depth of this problem and the positive alternatives. --September 17, 2009

I could never hold a candle to the stunning Steve King of Iowa, so I thank you for deferring to me for a few minutes, and I am extremely grateful for the gentleman's comments on the floor so far this evening. --September 14, 2009

I want to thank so much my colleague, Steve King from Iowa -- the "stunning" Steve King of Iowa, as he is known in the mainstream media, so grateful for your advocacy, and also for that of Judge Gohmert. And Judge Gohmert, I trust that you're a hanging judge down in the State of Texas. --April 28, 2009

I thank the gentleman from Iowa, also known as the Stunning Steve King of Iowa, as stated by national political commentators, who certainly know what they are talking about. Steve King is one of our stalwart patriots who is here on the floor fighting on behalf of the American people. --March 24, 2009

I would like to add to the stunning Steve King from Iowa for his comment. --March 12, 2009

So basically one blue-eyed, raving madwoman wants to bang an equally insane ocean-eyed defender of all things Jesus, moral, and white.

What a stunning coincidence!!

Royally Screwed: The Crank Queen & Her Stunning King

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Joe Lieberman See's Opportunity To Fulfill His Destiny As Biggest Buzzkill Ever

America's most boring, backstabbing, rat pariah Senator Joe Lieberman woke up this morning only to realize it was late October and he hadn't filled his "What can I do to piss everyone off?" quota for the month.

This made him very upset. So upset in fact that he was forced to quicken his slow, lumbering gait and hurry his droopy self over to reporters to hastily explain his reasons for wanting to screw up the whole health care reform thing. Perhaps a troubled childhood? Or maybe he's just jealous of that Harry Reid fellow for also being boring, old and annoying, yet oddly likable or at least compared to sniveling, self-serving frauds like himself.

"I told Senator Reid that I’m strongly inclined–I haven’t totally decided, but I’m strongly inclined–to vote to proceed to the health care debate, even though I don’t support the bill that he’s bringing together because it’s important that we start the debate on health care reform because I want to vote for health care reform this year. But I also told him that if the bill remains what it is now, I will not be able to support a cloture motion before final passage. Therefore I will try to stop the passage of the bill."

Of course, this man of honor (and the magic #60 for Democrats in a cloture vote) would totally side with Republicans to filibuster any health reform bill he doesn't agree with because that's basically what Democrat-turned-Independent-turned outcast congressional nuisances do when they aren't getting enough attention.

"I think a lot of people may think that the public option is free. It’s not. It’s going to cost the taxpayers and people who have health insurance now, and if it doesn’t it’s going to add terribly to the national debt…there’s so much in this health reform legislation that is so good, that I think they’re just putting an unnecessary burden on top of it by creating another Washington-based entitlement program."

Oh, Joe, Joe Joe! Just because you're still bitter about being embarrassed in the 2006 Democratic primary and having to switch parties (because no one likes you) doesn't mean you have to ruin everything and sell your soul all so some sketchy corporation continues to fund your pathetic campaign to desperately cling to power.

You may be a lot of things (whiny, petty, and mind-blowingly dull), but we all know you're not stupid. Or at least not in the Sarah Palin kind of way, which means you know very well the public option wouldn't be a government-funded entitlement for free health care like you claim, but a self-sufficient program financed by premiums and unable to draw on federal funds, with the whole concept being the opposite of difficult to understand and all.

Never mind the fact his statements are at great odds with the findings of most experts, who say that by lowering the government's subsidy burden, a public option will actually save money. Joe pays no mind to annoying trivialities like facts and truth.

Think about it. How else would he continue his impressive streak as the hands-down winner of the people's choice awards for douchiest senator ever? I mean you don't get to be the greatest mistake the public ever made for nothing!

2012 GOP Candidates As Diverse And Exciting As Their Ideas

In the vast wasteland that is the 2012 GOP presidential landscape, fresh-faced stars join seasoned statesman to create a powerful right-wing juggernaut designed to bring down NObama and the rest of those God-awful Democrats ruining America.

Now normally this would sound like a delightful plan to reinvigorate a hurting Grand Old Party and restore America's faith in the conservative movement by reclaiming their rightful place on vacation on a ranch in Texas in the White House.

Of course, this would require that the candidates are people voters actually think are competent enough to babysit their kids, let alone an entire nation, but with the elections three or so years away, who really has time for such formalities?

There's the always-compelling, perennial frontrunners (??) like Mittens Romney, Newt "Are You Morons Really Gonna Force Me To Run?" Gingrich, and formerly obese master of meaningless Iowa straw polls Mike Huckabee.

And let's not forget adorable, already-sparkling superstars like sexy, semi-retired multimillionaire Sarah Palin and nerdy, token minority Piyush "Bobby" Jindal whose charm and charisma is enough to make an AARP member want to grab the Bengay and boogie down.

Even Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty (who??) is getting in the game, casually ramping up his national profile by launching his political action committee "Freedom First" in order to travel the country talking to assorted teabaggers, secessionists, birthers and other nutjobs about how this secret Muslim President is destroying America by fixing its health care system and winning Nobel Peace Prizes.

"History proves that it is weakness, not strength, that tempts our enemies," Pawlenty said in an interview with Newsmax. "And he is projecting potential weakness, and enemies may see that and their respect may be reduced as a result of that, or worse."

Like they might even get a shoe chucked at their head??

Pawlenty also accused the president of being "extremely partisan in his approaches," particularly when it comes to pushing his socialist health care agenda.

"President Obama has governed in an extremely liberal way, and he hasn't accomplished many major initiatives, but the few that he has have been almost exclusively partisan," he said. "That defies what he said during the campaign and doesn't live up to that promise."

Obama has "a philosophy that government knows best, a nanny-state mentality on domestic issues that will ultimately be corrosive to the other pillars of our country - to markets, private enterprise, individual responsibility, freedom and liberty."

God damn you NObama! I mean can you believe the nerve of that guy? Thinking government knows best or even knows anything about how to run a country anywhere except straight into the ground is simply absurd!

One thing's for sure: George W. Bush certainly never had any delusions he could alter the course of history or that his decisions would have unanticipated consequences and far-reaching effects. Except of course on those few occasions when he was acting on behalf of a higher power as God's chosen messenger on Earth.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Hammer Time With Harry Reid: Public Option, Can't Touch This!

That other Mormon politician not named Mittens, frail Senate majority leader Harry Reid is getting ready to unveil his health care proposal this afternoon, despite urging from the White House and Nancy Pelosi to kindly disappear in the Nevada desert and keep his dirty paws to himself or risk getting the sh*t slapped out of him by a certain Madame Speaker.

But Harry has never been one to listen to others, especially in the form of advice from the President or dismal approval numbers in every public opinion poll, which is why he will announce plans to push ahead with a public option vote--one that includes an opt-out provision for states--since he's spent the entire weekend begging members to pretty please support his measure cause he really doesn't want to get sent back to that Nevada hell he came from, a sad, broken man.

But the White House is nervous that this wisp of a Senate leader may imperil their chances of a bipartisan health care bill by alienating some Snow(e) woman from Maine and the one Republican whose idea of health care reform isn't limited to euthanizing Obama.

"In case the White House hasn't noticed, Republicans in Congress are engaged in what amounts to a sitdown strike. They don't like anything about Obama or his policies; they have no interest in seeing him succeed," Newsweek's Howard Fineman writes. "Despite the occasional protestation to the contrary, the GOP has no intention of helping him pass any legislation. Snowe may very well end up voting for whatever she and Democrats craft, but that won't make the outcome bipartisan any more than dancing shoes made Tom DeLay Fred Astaire...Worse, the pursuit of Snowe isn't uniting Democrats; it is dividing them."

Yes, but at least the Dems have secured their own Ginger Rogers to help dance their health care reform through Congress, even if it ends up injured, limping and breathing on a respirator. Anything's better than Tom DeLay in sparkly tights and a unitard.

Fineman continues that "some form of a public option is favored not only by most Democrats in Congress but by most of the American people. If Obama and the Democrats really want such a plan, they may as well try to get tough. For inspiration, the president might consider a Longfellow poem: "'In this world, a man must either be an anvil or a hammer.'"

Otherwise, we all get screwed.

Luckily, this 70-year-old convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is just the man for the job. They don't call him Harry "Mason" Reid for nothing.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

GOP Poll Numbers: How Low Can You Go?

For a party with no vision, no ideas (other than getting rid of that n'er do well NObama), and no real leadership to speak of, the Republican Party has seen brighter days. Oh Ronnie Reagan, why did you have to leave us?

So it comes as no real shock that the proud party of slave-owners, birthers, and teabaggers would have its lowest approval ratings in over a decade.

According to a new CNN poll, only 36 percent of people have a favorable view of the GOP, with a 54% majority thinking they are a bunch of demented Fox News-obsessed neanderthals who'd follow Glenn Beck off a cliff if he cried hard enough.

In fact, the last time the GOP was this bad in CNN's polling was way back in December 1998 when the Republican morality patrol in Congress were all hot and bothered by a certain Democratic "nasty, bad, naughty boy" catching bjs in the Oval Office when he should be soliciting sex in a Minnesota airport mensroom like a normal, decent Republican senator from Idaho named Larry Craig.

According to CNN Polling Director Keating Holland, "The Republican party may still be battling the legacy left to them by George W. Bush. They have also spent a lot of time in 2009 working against Democratic proposals. That hasn't left them a lot of time so far this year to present a positive, post-Bush message. Of course, there is still plenty of time for them to do so before the 2010 midterms."

What in sweet suffering Jesus do you mean?? They are positively sure that racism, war-mongering, and an inherent aversion to change or progress of any kind is the sure-fire way to secure a spectacular Republican comeback in 2010, the likes of which we've never seen!

If not, there's always secession.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Dick Cheney Breaks Out His Olde English Dictionary To Bring Down NObama

Every so often, dark, powerful forces emerge from the dank Earth below to complete their obligation to the natural world. Sometimes it comes in the form of cicadas whose short but vital existence of procreation, death, and nourishment of the Earth is essential to sustaining the natural rhythm of life. Other times it comes in the form of Dick Cheney whose sneering decrepit being emerges from the shadows to unleash his wrath upon unsuspecting mortals. This time his fury is directed at a whippersnapper named Barry for not causing enough death and destruction anywhere, but certainly not in Afghanistan.

"Having announced his Afghanistan strategy last March, President Obama now seems afraid to make a decision, and unable to provide his commander on the ground with the troops he needs to complete his mission...It's time for President Obama to make good on his promise. The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger."

Since we don't have an angry-old-man-to-English translator, we can only assume dithering is some senior citizen insult that went extinct some time during the Mesozoic Era.

"Make no mistake, signals of indecision out of Washington hurt our allies and embolden our adversaries. Waffling while our troops on the ground face an emboldened enemy endangers them and hurts our cause."

"Now they seem to be pulling back and blaming others for their failure to implement the strategy they embraced. It’s time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war he has repeatedly and rightly called a war of necessity."

Ha ha too bad NObama is too big a pussy to send thousands of American soldiers to die in the rugged mountains of Tora Bora without thinking long and hard about it. You'll have to excuse Dick for not realizing America had a girly-girl in the White House instead of a strong man like Cheney or his two daughters(?) Liz and Mary.

I mean with all his helpful advice, you would think Dick had like 8 or so years to do something about that fun little war in Afghanistan, like actually winning (or making progress of any kind) instead of abandoning it to find all the oil WMDs in Iraq.

"You would think that our successors would be going to the intelligence community saying, 'How did you do it? What were the keys to preventing another attack over that period of time?'"

"Instead, they’ve chosen a different path entirely – giving in to the angry left, slandering people who did a hard job well, and demagoguing an issue more serious than any other they’ll face in these four years. No one knows just where that path will lead, but I can promise you this: There will always be plenty of us willing to stand up for the policies and the people that have kept this country safe."

Or at least when we're not wheelchair bound after undergoing yet another life saving operation to unclog our arteries and scrape away the fatty deposits blocking our blood flow.

But either way, there will always be some patriot like Dick to torture suspects, massacre civilians, squander international respect, botch military operations and use old man words to yell at likable presidents for not following the sound advice of the previous administration whose idea of peace is the deafening silence of carnage and death after being leveled by a heat-seeking missile courtesy of the mighty red, white, and blue.

USA! USA! USA! The bestest, strongest, most awesomest country in the whole damn world. No, make that the universe.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

GET MOTIVATED! With Special Guest Speaker & Two-Time Presidential Failure George W. Bush

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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

America, Meet Your Newest Crazy "Dem-Hunting" GOP Rep. Gregg Harper!

Another day, another double-consonant named Republican acts like a moron and reminds us why we should never trust public officials with unnecessary additional letters in their names.

Asked about his participation in the Congressional Sportsmen Caucus during an interview with Politico, Mississippi Republican Rep. Gregg Harper replied: "We hunt liberal, tree-hugging Democrats, although it does seem like a waste of good ammunition."

HAHAHAHAHA! Now, normally this kind of dumb, redneck ignorance is so darn hilarious, it's enough to make a person squeal with delight. That's because it usually comes from some demented, toothless teabagger waving an Obama is Hitler sign, not an elected official responsible for crafting the laws of the nation.

Luckily for us, this southern sparkplug has no interest in breaking his streak of NOT introducing a single bill on the House floor, and is much more content proving those elitists in Washington wrong about what the good, hard-working folks from Mississippi are really like.

"Folks have a common misconception that Mississippi is strictly a rural, outdoors state. While we are famous for our hunting, sport fishing and year-round golf, we also have leading manufacturers like Peavey Electronics and Viking Range Corp."

See, not everyone in the M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I is as backwards as their proud, double-G representative Gregg Harper, whose biggest challenge as a congressman is "Trying to find my way around the Rayburn building...Combining my poor sense of direction with a confusing design is not good."

But as long as he continues following the compass of his mentors Haley ("No one 'gets it' more than him") Barbour and Trent ("Living example of what loyalty means") Lott, we're confident things will work out just fine for Mr. Greggggggggg Harper.

He'll spend the next half-century or so reading his favorite Mississippi literary great John Grisham (Eudora Welty and William Faulkner are for pussies), indulging in his guilty pleasure of eating dark chocolate Hershey’s Kisses every day (the closest he ever gets to dark anything) and all the while not once pass a meaningful piece of legislation. Ever.

Looks like someone's got what it takes to be a Republican superstar!

Masters Haley Barbour & Trent Lott In All Their Glory

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mr. "Community Organizer" Reverts To His Race-Baiting Self--Must Be Election Time!

I See Black People!

Rudy Giuliani doesn't much care for "community organizers" or any other secret code name disingenuous former New York City mayors like to use to describe scary black people when pandering to whites-preferred groups like the Republican Party.

Especially when trying to convince a group of frail old Superjews in Brooklyn to vote for Mayor Michael Bloomberg over that frightening, strange-colored man Democrat Bill Thompson.

"I worried daily [in his last days in office] that the city might be turned back to the way it was before 1993—and you know exactly what I'm talking about," Giuliani said. Wink wink.

"This community remembers the fears, the worries and the crimes—and the great fear of going out at night and walking the streets...This city could very easily be taken back in a very different direction — it could very easily be taken back to the way it was with the wrong political leadership."

In other words, elect a black mayor over his perfectly white opponent and it's back to the Shtetl for you, nice old Jewish people who are so easy to scare.

"This is a tired Republican campaign tactic — scare people into voting by threatening their personal safety,” Anne Fenton, spokeswoman for the Thompson campaign, said. "It didn’t work for Rudy Giuliani during his abysmal presidential bid, and it’s not going to work for Mike Bloomberg this year."

City Councilman Bill de Blasio was also appalled.

“Giuliani’s comments verge on race-baiting,” he said. “Bloomberg should disavow those comments and show that he doesn’t buy into that kind of rhetoric.”

What are you crazy? He's a billionaire with the last name Bloomberg. Asking him to not buy something is like asking Rudy Giuliani to actually believe in something.

Fuggedaboudit! Neither one's gonna happen.

Balloon Boy Busted: Adventures In Bad Parenting

To the millions of Americans who wasted an entire afternoon on Thursday glued to their TVs watching in horror as the fate of a 6 year-old boy was dangling in a homemade helium balloon flying wildly out-of-control for more than 50 miles, hahahahaha you've been punk'd!

Turns out the responsible, caring parents who thought it would be brilliant to name their son Falcon, also decided an equally good idea would be to pretend that very boy now faced certain death trapped in a giant silver baker's hat floating high in the Colorado skies.

Talk about effective guerrilla marketing campaigns!

Except for the little fact that the boy was never in the balloon (as his parents claimed) but hiding in his garage attic just like mommy and daddy said he should.

Umm, awkwaaaard.

"It has been determined that this is a hoax, that it was a publicity stunt," Larimer County Sherriff Jim Alderden told a press conference.

"We believe we have evidence at this point to indicate that it was a publicity stunt done with the hopes of better marketing themselves for a reality television show at some point in the future," he said.

It's not every day that a little boy climbs aboard a wayward UFO, triggers a media frenzy, massive search and rescue operation, and grips a nation in terror.

It's also not every day that the very same family happens to have also appeared on the reality show "Wife Swap," where one crazy family trades mothers with another crazy family and America gets to laugh at all the hilarious dysfunction that ensues.

But it wasn't until the Heene family began making the talk show rounds to deny staging the incident (with son Falcon vomiting every time he appeared on camera), that suspicions were aroused.

When a CNN interviewer told Richard Heene to ask his son why he had stayed in hiding so long while searchers were desperately calling his name. the boy said:

"You guys (his parents) said that, um, we did this for the show."

Well isn't that just the darned craziest thing! Turns out the father, who's also a storm chaser, amateur scientist and unemployed actor with dreams of stardom, planned the event for weeks to "create a situation where it appeared that Falcon was in the spacecraft to gain publicity and obtain notoriety for a reality TV show."

"They are actors. Not only have they appeared on TV, they met at acting school in Hollywood," Alderden said. "They put on a very good show for us, and we bought it."

Alderden said Falcon and his brothers, who are 8 and 10, were "100 percent involved" and added the parents "could be charged with conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, making a false police report and attempting to influence a public servant."

"On the bizarre meter, this rates a 10," Alderden said

But on the ratings meter, it's off the charts!! Settle down Jon and Kate, you had your chance.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Obama's Rx For Health Care: Pull Plug On Insurance Companies, Not Grandma

Pat Sullivan / AP Photo

Crazed, shrieking mobs of birthers, secessionists, and teabaggers are one thing. As annoying and demented as they may be, Barry knows these confederate flag-waving patriots simply can't help it if their brains don't function like the rest of us. Such feeble minds deserve our pity, not our scorn!

Not so for those motherf**kers over at the insurance companies whose years of lying, scheming, and fleecing the public finally caused Mr. Barry Chill to lose his signature cool and unleash the full-force of his long-simmering fury.

This time, Badass Barry used his weekly radio/internet address to fire back at the insurance industry, accusing the no-good bastards of using "deceptive and dishonest ads" to derail health care reform because apparently Michael Steele's sacrificial cow on tracks didn't exactly get the job done.

Calling insurance companies "obstacles to change only interested in their own profits and bonuses...willing to bend the truth or break it," Obama blasted the greedy, selfish crooks for being more concerned with fattening our hearts (and thus their wallets) than fixing the system.

But only if by fix you mean repair, 'cause otherwise that's totally not true! They're more than happy to make some under-the-table "arrangements" if you catch my drift.

"It’s smoke and mirrors," Obama said. "It's bogus. And it’s all too familiar. Every time we get close to passing reform, the insurance companies produce these phony studies as a prescription and say, 'Take one of these, and call us in a decade.' Well, not this time."

Rather than trying to curb costs and help patients, he said, the industry is busy "figuring out how to avoid covering people...And they’re earning these profits and bonuses while enjoying a privileged exemption from our antitrust laws--a matter that Congress is rightfully reviewing."

"The insurance industry is rolling out the big guns and breaking open their massive war chest to marshal their forces for one last fight to save the status quo."

But look on the bright side, at least they're trying to save something, even if it is their own assets asses.

Unlike us miserable wretches, I guess some things are worth fighting for.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Louisiana Doesn't Have A Race Problem--If It Were 1955

The bastion of progress and enlightenment otherwise known as Louisiana reminded the nation what exactly makes the Bayou State so darn cuddly (besides the whole "Parish" thing of course) when a justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have.

Louisiana justice Keith Bardwell said he made his decision because it is his experience that "most interracial marriages do not last long."

Not because he's racist or anything.

"I do ceremonies for black couples right here in my house," Bardwell said. "My main concern is for the children. I don't do interracial marriages because I don't want to put children in a situation they didn't bring on themselves," Bardwell said. "In my heart, I feel the children will later suffer."

Plus, if he does an interracial marriage for one couple, he must do the same for all, and since he, tries "to treat everyone equally," that just wouldn't work now would it?

Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society.

Thus, he was actually doing a favor for all those pathetic mulatto bastards still wanderin' around trying so hard to be accepted somewhere, anywhere.

But I suppose a thank you would be too much to ask from those poor multicolored lepers. Especially the presidential ones.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Right-Wing Demands Obama Fire Kevin Jennings For Helping Gay Teens Not Kill Themselves

Kevin Jennings, Educator And Homosexual

Everyone knows, much like the thought of women working, the idea of homosexuals being anything other than a wretched curse on society, who are arbitrarily tossed into prison on questionable sodomy charges (but really for being the colorful flamers they are), makes Republicans very uncomfortable.

Luckily, delightful congressman like Rep. Steve King (R-IA) and 52 other (enlightened) House Republicans have upped the ante of their delusional rantings against director of the Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools and menace to wholesome society Kevin Jennings for threatening all of humanity with his dreaded homosexual agenda.

This is the fate of our children we're talking about!

Which is why it is so reassuring to know we have upstanding lawmakers like Rep. Steve King leading the fight of the righteous to bring down the evil homosexual cabal threatening the very fabric of this great nation. All that flamboyance and cleanliness and pride--it's too much!

As such, King and his patriotic band of anti-gay crusaders have written a formal letter to the White House asking President Barack Obama to fire Jennings on the claim that:

"As the founder of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), Mr. Jennings has played an integral role in promoting homosexuality and pushing a pro-homosexual agenda in America's schools-an agenda that runs counter to the values that many parents desire to instill in their children."

"Throughout his career, Mr. Jennings has made it his mission to establish special protections for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered students to the exclusion of all other students. The totality of Mr. Jennings' career has been to advocate for public affirmation of homosexuality. There is more to safe and drug free schools than can be accomplished from the narrow view of Mr. Jennings who has, for more than 20 years, almost exclusively focused on promoting the homosexual agenda."
This homo-obsessed, rainbow-tinged demon teacher must be stopped! Who knows the countless number of homosexual students--disproportionately the victims of violence and harassment at school--who've been saved by this evil man's commitment "to the safety" of these sinful students?

Meanwhile, the good, straight kids are left to suffer all because they can no longer beat up that one fag in their gym class.

Think about it. Is this really the message we want to be sending our children? That it's okay to be different? Or even worse, that it's okay to be gay and not automatically get your ass kicked by half the football team??

I, for one, don't want to live in a world where smear the queer is nothing more than a friendly romp of playground tag. Apparently, nor does Steve King. And not just because he's the running champ of his favoritist childhood game that also happens to bear his moniker.

No, not Asshole. King of the Hill, silly.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Colorful RNC Chairman Michael Steele Isn't Just A Tech Wizard, He's Also A Cow!

What better way to bounce back after a monumental embarrassment that is the new, error-plagued, semi-functional than saying something so mind-blowingly dumb that everyone immediately forgets the disastrous mistakes of the previous day?

Welcome to the brilliant mind of RNC Chairman Michael Steele, in all his Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann/Glenn Beck/Joe Wilson glory.

When asked by Fox News what he thinks about the idea that the "health care reform train has left the station with President Obama at the wheel," the delightfully hilarious Michael Steele used his savvy metaphorical skills to answer this pressing conundrum.

"Well I’m the cow on the tracks," Steele replied. "You’re gonna have to stop the train to get this cow off the track to move forward."

Apparently, Mr. Steele is unschooled in the storied history of train/cow confrontations. Let's help him out a bit, shall we?

You see, when 3,000-8,000 tons of reinforced metal and steel barreling down the tracks at 100 mph crashes into 1100-1500 lbs of deliciously inert bovine flesh and bone, the laws of science typically don't favor the dumb cow stuck on the tracks.

Think of it as nature's own In-N-Out Burger.

Ha ha dumb Democrats. Don't they know the joke's on them? Unlike, a certain man of Steele, they've obviously never met Babe The Big Blue Ox.

Guess no one had the heart to inform Michael that a cow is not ox. And even if it were, Oxen typically don't come in the form of bright blue behemoths accompanying mythological lumberjacks of exceptional size and superhuman strength on their epic quest through the vast, untamed northern logging region of the mid-19th century United States.

But don't take our word for it, Michael! Feel free to try it for yourself.

Then, I guess we can finally have that "Rodney King moment" on health care Michael's been so patiently awaiting during his ongoing, personal war with his own logic and dignity.

Looks like this Steele is a lock for 2012.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

New GOP Website Functions Much Like The Party: It Doesn't!

Yo, yo waaaasup America? It's your off-the-hook, resident GOP dancing avatar Micheal Steele welcoming you to the hottest website on the block, the fresh, new baby!

RNC Chairman Michael Steele promised to "take this party to the streets" and God damn it, he wasn't messin' around!

The sweet, newly redesigned GOP website has everything a hip, young teabagger could want like a "What up?" greeting from hip-hop youth liaison Michael Steele, a bright red, star-spangled banner (communist China?) on the homepage that reads "GOP Faces" and alternates snapshots of different proud members of the GOP every time the page is refreshed. That sh*t is tight!

With all this youth and diversity and color, not only is this not your grandmother's Republican Party, it's also not any Republican Party that exists in any reality to speak of. (Try the Twilight Zone??)

Of course like any great transformational moment in history, the GOP's newly launched secret weapon has not been without hitch, with the website's much-anticipated(?) unveiling plagued by intermittent crashes, broken links, and the usual growing pains like the site's "Future GOP leaders" page linking not to fresh-faced rising Republican stars but to "404 Error: This page could not be found."

Ummm, ooops.

"The RNC’s big relaunch of its website has not gone so well today. In the last hour or so, the site has been crashing periodically. Reporters found holes in the site's content this morning, and lately visitors have found the site to be down altogether or, at best, extremely slow."

"You know your web program is in trouble when your site can't even handle the traffic bump from people making fun of your web program," the Obama campaign's former online guru, Joe Rospars of Blue State Digital joked to Talking Points Memo.

Well, Mr. Balls of Steele has a few words for those naysayers and haters out there.

"It's not even really a web site," Steele said. "It's a new platform for us." Boo-ya!

It's "a beta site" (he's been dying to use that new word he learned!), "So we're working out a lot of the kinks and the bugs. So the Democrats can have some fun," he said.

Need he remind you that when he ran for chairman he promised to "take this party to the streets?"

"We've done that, I think, in a very creative way," Steele said, adding that the site is "a new tool to communicate the new GOP."

Well, well no wonder it worked so well then!

Liz Cheney: Obama Is Radical, The Sky Is Green, And The Earth Is Flat

Dick Cheney's blonde estrogen-filled version of himself, hell daughter Liz has a few suggestions for that terrible man Barry and that farce of a Nobel Prize he won. Ha ha, I mean what the hell does "peace" mean anyway?

Liz is appalled that President Barack Obama would have the audacity to even consider attending the Nobel ceremony in Oslo to accept his award instead of basically telling the committee to go screw themselves and their stupid peace prize too. Which would be the reasonable thing to do, of course.

"The notion that this White House says he will go to Oslo to accept this prize just adds to the farce," Cheney told Fox News. "But I do think he could send a real signal here. I think what he ought to do frankly is send a mother of a fallen American soldier to accept the prize on behalf of the U.S. military and frankly to send the message to remind the Nobel committee that each one of them sleeps soundly at night because the U.S. military is the greatest peacekeeping force in the world today."

Frankly, Liz, you're an idiot.

But that didn't stop this feisty li'l lady from launching her own new group, Keep America Safe, to rally opposition to the "radical" foreign policy of the Obama administration which has done nothing except undermine the nation's security.

"The policies being proposed by the Obama administration are so radical across the board,” Cheney said. “Whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat, you want the nation to be strong and so many steps this president is taking are making the nation weaker."

Absolutely! Who's gonna take us seriously if we stop illegally detaining suspected terrorists for unlimited periods of time, outlaw torture (luxurious upside-down blindfolded ice-cold bottled water baths included), and stop pissing off every one in the world for no good reason?

"The policies of the Bush administration since Sept. 11 are those policies that kept us safe – there’s no turning away from that legacy at all...It’s clear that there’s a real grassroots fear and concern out there. Everywhere I go people are saying to me, ‘Where can I go to learn more,’” Cheney said. “People realize what a dangerous world we live in."

Ummm, yeah, now that we have TWO crazy Cheneys running around.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Rams Aversion To Rush(ing) Not Limited To The Football Field

The NFL kindly told Rush Limbaugh to f**k off after the corpulent king of hate talk-radio expressed interest in buying the only pro football team as impotent as himself, the 0-5 St. Louis Rams, complete with an NFL-worst 14-game losing streak to boot.

In an e-mail to the union's executive committee on Saturday, NFL Players executive director DeMaurice Smith encouraged players to speak out against a bid by Rush Limbaugh as part of a larger group aiming to purchase the St. Louis Rams.

"I've spoken to the Commissioner [Roger Goodell] and I understand that this ownership consideration is in the early stages," Smith said. "But sport in America is at its best when it unifies, gives all of us reason to cheer, and when it transcends. Our sport does exactly that when it overcomes division and rejects discrimination and hatred."

Limbaugh, a Missouri native, is an avid sports fan and an even more avid a**hole racist, whose enlightened world-view gave us such fine observations as "the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons." Aw, snap!

And how Philadelphia quarterback Donovan McNabb's 2003 on-field success was due not to his skills or dedication, but because the media was "very desirous that a black quarterback do well" in something other than adding to the prison population.

At least seven NFL players have publicly spoken out against Limbaugh's interest in joining former Knicks president and current owner of the NHL's St. Louis Blues, Madison Square Garden CEO Dave Checketts, in a group bidding to purchase the lowly Rams and turn the perennial basement dwellers into an all-white powerhouse.

Giants defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka and Jets linebacker Bart Scott made it clear that they would never play for any team owned by that fat, milky-hued pile of hate (even if they think his name's kinda cool), since the Rams are already well-stocked in the embarrassment department.

"All I know is from the last comment I heard, he said in President Obama's America, white kids are getting beat up on the bus while black kids are chanting 'right on,'" Kiwanuka told The Daily News. "I mean, I don't want anything to do with a team that he has any part of. He can do whatever he wants, it is a free country. But if it goes through, I can tell you where I am not going to play."

"They are flat-out racist," Kiwanuka continued. "I am not going to draw a conclusion from a person off of one comment, but when it is time after time after time and there's a consistent pattern of disrespect and just a complete misunderstanding of an entire culture that I am a part of, I can't respect him as a man."

Bart Scott says players remember what Limbaugh said, adding that the NFL would be wise not to allow the nationally-syndicated poster boy for ignorant, hefty, middle-aged white supremacists into a (predominantly black) league.

"I can only imagine how his players would feel. I know I wouldn't want to play for him. He's a jerk. He's an ---. What he said (about McNabb) was inappropriate and insensitive, totally off-base. He could offer me whatever he wanted, I wouldn't play for him...I wouldn't play for Rush Limbaugh. My principles are greater and I can't be bought."

Turns out, neither can the Rams (or at least not by a KKK grand wizard like El Rushbo).

Besides, Rush said he wasn't really bothered by the harsh player reaction because the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes it might not be such a good idea after all.

Rams is way too gay a name.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

McCain Warns Against 'Historic Error' That's Not His Presidential Campaign

Despite the typical Republican temper tantrums anytime the president does something to avoid unnecessarily enraging the rest of the world or sending scores of Americans to certain death in hostile foreign terrain, Barack Obama continues to meet with his national security team to "generate new military and strategic options for Afghanistan" beyond the brilliant recommendations of Gen. Stanley McChrystal to continue condemning soldiers to die, thirsty and alone, on a parched mountainside in the middle of the desert.

While Obama and his top advisers mull the status of the U.S. war in Afghanistan (aka act like pussies), real military men like Gen. McChrystal, Sen. John McCain and apparently, the entire Republican Party, know that every passing moment is another opportunity wasted. For what exactly they can't say, but that's not what's important here.

What is, however, is the indisputable fact that the war in Afghanistan simply cannot be won with even a single soldier less than the 40,000 McChrystal requested, or at least according to one heroic former POW.

Asked whether 10,000 or 20,000 additional troops in Afghanistan would suffice, McCain quickly replied, "I do not," adding that "disregarding requirements that have been laid out and agreed to would be an error of historic proportions."

And if there's anyone who knows about errors of historic proportions, it's "that one" John McCain.

"I think the great danger now is a half-measure, sort of a -- you know, try to please all ends of the political spectrum," McCain told CNN. "And, again, I have great sympathy for the president, making the toughest decisions that presidents have to make, but I think he needs to use deliberate speed."

Hmmm, I used to think 'deliberate speed' was an oxymoron but now I finally get it! McCain just means Obama should give it the same consideration he gave his choice of running mate.

That way, you betcha no mistakes will be made!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Obama Uses Well-Placed Jokes, Vague Promises To Cool Off The Gays

Okay, okay, since I guess he has no choice but to squeeze in those pesky, equal rights-seeking gays at some point, what better time than on the heels of his newfound Nobel clout and the Senate's soon-to-pass hate crime legislation that protects who else but the world's favorite rainbow-colored scapegoat, the gays! (P.S. I don't remember George W. Bush ever passing any queer friendly anything, except maybe allowing Mary Cheney on the premises).

On Saturday night, President Barack Obama had the unique privilege of speaking to the nation's largest gay rights group at the Human Rights Campaign dinner, where he addressed all the ways he's failed to help the one community it's still okay to constitutionally neglect.

Although Obama wasn't slated to make any major announcements about Don't Ask Don't Tell or the Defense of Marriage Act in his speech--two policies he's totally against, just not enough to actually do anything about them--the President does plan on highlighting "incremental advancements" like acknowledging that gays and lesbians exist and admitting they are not in fact the flamboyant or flannel clad culprits behind 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the World Trade Center bombing, and all other societal ills.

"Despite the real gains that we've made, there are still laws to change and still hearts to open," Obama told the crowd, adding that discrimination needs to end, "whether in the office or the battlefield."

To those impatient gays and lesbos--who simply cannot wait another second for the same constitutional protections afforded to the rest of the nation--Obama assured them they have a friend in the White House, saying "do not doubt the path we are on or the destination we will reach."

He just has to take care of a couple other things like two wars, a failing economy, health care reform, the environment, immigration, and what to do about First Dog Bo's birthday first. Then, he's all yours!

But some gay activists and other rainbow-mafia types like the Atlantic's Andrew Sullivan are simply not satisfied with empty(?) words and promises, no matter how sincere and charismatic this charming man may be.

Sullivan thinks Obama just needs to do something and he's not talking about appointing a gay ambassador or extending federal benefits--though not the one anyone cares about, health insurance--to spouses of gay and lesbian federal workers. "Until then, Mr. President, why don't you have a nice steaming cup of shut-the-fuck-up?"

Whoa there Sully! But turns out he's not alone in his criticism.

"The administration is caught in a bit of a time warp, and they think it's 1993," said John Aravosis, founder of AmericaBlog. "They're trying to get credit for very B- and C-list moves."

You mean symbolic gestures meant to make the president seem "cool" with gay people—and thereby appeal to moderate mainstream voters—but don't secure anything substantive or new for gay people are B-and C-list moves?

Doesn't anything satisfy you people? I mean aside from Obama's kick-ass, queer-friendly opener to loosen up the black-tie crowd of about 3,000: "It is a privilege to be here tonight to open for Lady Gaga," the president told the crowd. "I've made it."

Hahahahahahahaha! Ya know, 'cause gays love Lady Gaga (and anyone else who makes Amy Winehouse and Elton John's wardrobe look like it wasn't strewn together by a homeless, color-blind prostitute after a 48-hour meth binge, for that matter).

Either way, Obama's big speech to the gays included the obligatory "unwavering commitment" to achieving equal rights and waxing poetic about how a time will come when relationships between same sex couples are acknowledged as "just as real and admirable" as heterosexual relationships.

Just not this time.

"Many of you don't believe progress is happening. I want to be honest about that because it's important to be honest among friends," he said. "I said this before, I'll repeat it again, it's not important for me to tell you to be patient."

What is important is that you start learning that for yourselves. Now would you all just take a chill-pill please? I mean seriously people!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Why Can't Obama Get Shoes--Not Nobels--Tossed At Him Like A Normal US President?

OMG, did you hear the terrible, horrible Earth-shattering news? No, no not Iran launching nuclear warheads or deadly floods in the Philippines, but something far, far worse: Barack Hussein Obama has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize!

On this darkest of days, the day the Earth stood still, Barack Hussein Obama won the peace prize and Republicans lost their minds (or what little bit remained) all because the dreadful Nobel commission had the audacity to honor an American President for wanting to do something other than bomb the hell out of poor, oil-rich Muslim countries.

"Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future," the Nobel Committee said, adding that the decision was "unanimous and came with ease." Ha, like they know anything.

Chairman of the House Foreign Affairs Committee Rep. Howard Berman (D-Calif.) explains that the award is a "recognition of President Obama’s work to strengthen international cooperation. It validates the president's approach to tough trans-national challenges such as global warming and the spread of nuclear arms. And it celebrates his steady efforts to improve America’s standing around the world."

Or in the words of one State Department spokesman, "Gives us a sense of momentum when the United States has accolades tossed its way rather than shoes."

At least the Republicans know it's never a good idea to honor the leader of the free world for his efforts to solve complex global problems, like working toward a world free of nuclear weapons and giving people hope for a better future.

Well it just doesn't get any worse than this (except of course if America had actually succeeded in bringing the Olympics home) because having the world suddenly respect us is just too big a burden to bear--and the Republicans for one, want nothing to do with such things. They're much more comfortable when the world burns effigies of their leaders not honors them with coveted international awards.

"The Republican Party has thrown in its lot with the terrorists – the Taliban and Hamas this morning – in criticizing the President for receiving the Nobel Peace prize," DNC Communications Director Brad Woodhouse said in a statement.

"Republicans cheered when America failed to land the Olympics and now they are criticizing the President of the United States for receiving the Nobel Peace prize – an award he did not seek but that is nonetheless an honor in which every American can take great pride – unless of course you are the Republican Party. The 2009 version of the Republican Party has no boundaries, has no shame and has proved that they will put politics above patriotism at every turn. It's no wonder only 20 percent of Americans admit to being Republicans anymore – it's an embarrassing label to claim."

Almost as embarrassing as being an American the world actually respects. **Shudder.**

Thursday, October 8, 2009

From Rags To Riches: The Inspiring True Story Of Joe "You Lie" Wilson

Hey kids, remember those endless hours hitting the books and boring late-night cramming sessions? Well those days are over! Now, you can
get filthy rich by doing nothing more than acting like a hotheaded douchebag in front of millions of people on prime-time television. It's true!

Just ask South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson, who's taking his star-making performance
flouting hundreds of years of congressional decorum by shrieking "You lie" at the President of the world all the way to the bank.

Since his tremendous feat of making himself and his Grand Old Party look like a bunch of mindless heathens, rising star Joe Wilson has catapulted from nameless obscurity to shameful notoriety, raising a whopping $2.7 million from other right-wing anger balls who think momentary fits of Tourette's syndrome directed at the President during a publicly televised joint session of Congress is an effective way of voicing opposition.

So kudos to you Joe! For keeping alive the hopes and dreams of a crushed party with no agenda or vision for the nation, save for the swift defeat of its first black socialist president with rage, ignorance and two simple, powerful words: "You lie."

To show how much he appreciates the support of hardworking teabaggers who made his meteoric rise possible, Wilson's campaign released a statement calling the haul "a humbling honor."

At town hall meetings in the 2nd District of South Carolina and across America, people are not merely asking questions, they are demanding answers. They believe, as I do, that progress in America begins where the status quo ends — Washington's way is not always the RIGHT way.
The RIGHT way to get your point across is dressing up as Jesus Christ, waving a Confederate flag, carrying a loaded AK-47, and screaming in the face of frail, old legislators about the true birthplace of a certain illegal Kenyan president who also happens to be Hitler, Stalin, and Heath Ledger's signature dark 2008 portrayal of Batman's lipstick-smeared, white-faced nemesis.
Americans understand that these are times of great consequence. The change we were promised is not the change that has been delivered. We have a choice: we can sit back and watch, or we can stand up and act. One by one, Americans have chosen to stand up, I intend to stand proudly with them and the constituents of the 2nd District of South Carolina.
And together act like the proud bunch of bumbling idiots we are with no power to speak of, except of course for the power to speak. Loudly. About utter nonsense. At the most highly inappropriate moments possible.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Marriage=One Man+One Woman And All The Homo-Free Leaf Piles You Desire

Just Click The Link, It Works

The God-loving, queer-hating crusaders behind the Protect Marriage Washington PAC are working 'round the clock to prevent their illustrious state from being the next to fall to the gays...and not just any gays, but crazed, marriage-obsessed gays!

If you think the decent, church-going folks who reside in America's rainy northwest are about to slap Jesus in the face by permitting Satan's rainbow army to set up shop in their home state without a fight, you my friend are sorely mistaken.

Because to pass Senate Bill 5688/Referendum 71 and let the gays enter into unholy unions is not only anathema to God's will but more importantly will mean no leaf pile in the entire state is safe from being infiltrated by some loathsome homosexual just waiting to pop out and scare the bejesus out of little Johnny.

So remember people,
REJECT SB 5688/Referendum 71 or your days of carefree frolicking in the multicolored foliage of autumn's spoils (with you opposite-sex lover) are numbered. Consider yourself warned!

When The General Speaks, Ladies Keep Your Ears Open And Mouths Shut!

"Tell Me What To Do Big, Strong Man!"

Republicans in general hate it when pesky estrogen-filled ladies have jobs, and as a result, tend to do whatever they can to put them in their rightful place in the kitchen or in the hospital to fulfill their God-given duty of popping out babies.

Sometimes these snide, misogynist-tinged beliefs come in the form
of official National Republican Congressional Committee press releases bashing some dumb floozy named Nancy who had the ovaries big enough to question the sound advice of a man. And not just any man--the rough 'n tumble definition of raw masculinity and testosterone-fueled manhood by the name of Gen. Stanley McChrystal.

The enlightened statement from NRCC Communications Director and consummate gentleman Ken Spain, "General Pelosi has no problem sacrificing her own credibility as the Obama administration and liberals in Congress attempt to walk back a strategy they strongly advocated just months ago. Nancy Pelosi continues to make party politics a higher priority than our national security."

"Rather than listening to a four-star general’s assessments on Afghanistan, General Pelosi somehow believes she is better suited to craft our country’s military policy. If Nancy Pelosi’s failed economic policies are any indicator of the effect she may have on Afghanistan, taxpayers can only hope McChrystal is able to put her in her place."

Aww, hell yeah! Now take your tight little ass back where it belongs and make me some dinner. Did you not hear me or something?? I said MOVE WOMAN!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Republicans Call Secret Meeting To Get Michael Steele To Stop Acting "All Kanye"

Off-the-hook hip-hop RNC Chairman Michael Steele is trying very hard to do his job by humiliating himself and his party in every conceivable way, but some people just won't let the man be. For reals, yo!

Like the orange boner in charge of House Republicans, Minority Leader John Boehner, who called an emergency closed-door Republican meeting to discuss what exactly to do about the loose-lipped freedom-fighter from the 'streets' they've regretted ever since deciding to drop the whole Klansman act, and grudgingly elect the first (and last) black chairman of the Republican National Committee.

But since the GOP is now stuck with a dark-hued menace of their own, the pertinent question becomes what the hell to do about it?

The most popular solution to the Michael Steele Experiment appears to be prohibiting the man from saying anything ever about policy matters of any kind since every time he opens his mouth, it is akin to dropping the A-bomb on Hiroshima if Hiroshima was made up of middle-aged white men with no ideas to call their own, except bringing down a certain charming Democratic president named Barry.

But how do you tell the man you personally brought to the party to get the hell out of your house before he burns the whole place down?

Apparently, you call a really awkward, super-secret Republican meeting to beg your idiot Chairman to please stop involving himself in policy in any capacity. Or at the very least stop saying mind-blowingly stupid things like "the American Medical Association doesn't have credibility on healthcare reform" in a lame attempt to downplay the significance of throngs of doctors and medical experts in the AMA (who traditionally align with the Republicans in opposing major reform) showing up at the White House on Monday in support of NObama's terrible health care plan. The nerve of those backstabbing white coats with their MDs and PhDs thinking they know anything about health and medicine!

But by all accounts the meeting went well! So well in fact that no one would say anything other than "Closed-door meetings are closed-door meetings."

Luckily, someone leaked Michael's brilliant response to the GOP smack-down explaining how his "upbringing in the 'streets' made him a fighter and that he was determined to continue fighting and aggressively defending the party."

When pressed by reporters whether the conversation was heated, Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee would only say, "It was a good discussion. Both of us are grown-ups and are experienced in politics, and I don’t think either one of us has thought very much about it."

How very Republican of them!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Gen. Jim Jones Defends Basing Military Policy On Reason And Fact

You may not know Mr. Steely Blues-Eyes above by face alone, but one fellow AARP member who does is Sarah Palin's father former running mate John McCain.

Assuming Gramps McCain is still working with a full deck of cards, he should have no problems recognizing the man he slandered on the Senate floor last week, when he accused White House National Security Adviser Jim Jones and others in the Obama administration of "kowtowing to the political left" exactly like he did to the right on his kamikaze campaign that cost him the election, his soul, and his integrity in one fell swoop, err make that wink.

Because this retired U.S. Marine Corps four-star general and current Obama National Security Adviser "takes exception" when one of his white-haired military compatriots has the balls to use his good name when uttering shameless lies on the floor of Congress.

Speaking on CNN's State of the Union, Jones blasted McCain's remark on the basis of it being the complete opposite of true, insisting that President Obama's decision whether to send more U.S. troops to Afghanistan has nothing do with political pressure from the hippie-dippie left.

"The strategy does not belong to any political party," Jones said. "And I can assure you that the President of the United States is not playing to any political base."

Seeming almost offended at the mere notion he would put political pandering ahead of what's best for the country (become a Republican?), Jones, said, "I've known John McCain a long time, I worked with him when he was a captain."

McCain, Jones said, knows that "I don't play politics and I certainly don't play politics with our national security."

That's a certain maverick from Arizona's department. Oh, you betcha it is!