Friday, April 30, 2010

True Men Don't Kill Coyotes, They Crush Hopes & Destroy Dreams

Yeehaw, Cowboy!

Gun totin', fiercely heterosexual, 100% pure all beef patty of hunky manhood, Texas Governor, slick Rick Perry rarely feels what the rest of us non-laser-sighted pistol carrying losers call fear, deep within his chiseled, manly chest.

But there are times when even a rough 'n tumble, real Texas man like Rick Perry feels a creeping sense of dread, like, for instance, when a charming black man moves into the White House, or say, when enjoying a jog and suddenly finds himself face-to-face with a slithering, poisonous reptile-monster who just so happens to be the slimy bastard responsible for getting Adam and Eve tossed out of Eden. Wandering naked and alone, forever.

Of course, Texans, particularly male Texans, aren't normally permitted to admit these terrible feelings of vulnerability or express gay, womany emotions of any sort, except as part of a hilariously amusing tale about how said strapping male cold shot some dumb living thing in the head and left its pathetic corpse to rot in the blazing sun and scorching heat of the acacia-dotted wasteland he calls home.

Like some stupid, evil coyote who had the misfortune of crossing paths with the Texas Terminator Governor while he was out jogging with his daughter's dog and his loyal .380 Ruger loaded with hollow-tip bullets strapped to his leather hide belt.

"I'm enjoying the run when something catches my eye and it's this coyote. I know he knows I'm there. He never looks at me, he is laser-locked on that dog," Perry said.

"I holler and the coyote stopped. I holler again. By this time I had taken my weapon out and charged it. It is now staring dead at me. Either me or the dog are in imminent danger. I did the appropriate thing and sent it to where coyotes go," he said. (The Cartoon network??)

Perry said the laser-pointer helped make a quick, clean kill.

"It was not in a lot of pain," he said. "It pretty much went down at that particular juncture."

That "particular junction" of course referring to the precise spot where a certain locked 'n loaded state leader pumped rounds of hollow-tipped lead, and laid to waste an a mangy coyote hellbent on destroying dear leader Rick and his loyal canine companion.

And for what??? To satiate his natural predatory instincts and fill his belly with the blood and flesh of a famous Republican hero and his favoritest freedom-loving dog?

How dare he??

Perhaps Mr. Wile E. Coyote should have heeded Gov. Perry's warning: "Don't attack my dog or you might get shot...if you're a coyote."

Oh, so suddenly Mr. soft-on-crime over here refuses to shoot other non-Canis dog menaces like humans??

Buck up, Ricky! This is Texas, not the gay, pussy North!

"I knew there were a lot of predators out there. You'll hear a pack of coyotes. People are losing small cats and dogs all the time out there in that community," Perry said.

"They're very wily creatures."

Much like secret Muslim terrorists from Kenya masquerading as widely respected, wildly popular, progressive, half black, rock star-like Democratic Presidents. Who don't even carry concealed weapons when they jog.

Ugh, arugula-eating liberal elitists! Don't they just make you sick??

Good thing Laura Bush knows true men don't kill coyotes, they destroy entire countries instead!

In the newest, very important contribution to the literary world, former first lady and soft-spoken librarian Laura Bush's gut-wrenching memoir, Spoken From the Heart, hit shelves this week and is causing quite a stir with its juicy revelations...

Like that one time when Laura ran through a stop sign and killed her high school boyfriend, then slept through the funeral, and stopped believing in God.

Until another time, when she was a bored, lonely 30-year-old school librarian, and God suddenly reappeared in the form of a dumb, rich screw-up by the name of George W. Bush, luckily before that other time in Germany when Laura is absolutely positive someone tried to poison her and W with the common stomach flu.

Good thing God had other plans!

"Most of how I ultimately coped with the crash was by trying not to talk about it, not to think about it, to put it aside. Because there wasn't anything I could do. Even if I tried," she writes.

Kinda like what all of America tried to do following the eight year disaster known as her loving hubby, and divine messenger, Georgey Poo's Presidency.

But much like scavenging desert predators, man-slaughtered former loved ones, Heaven sent Icelandic volcanoes erupting in protest of health care reform, megaton rigs exploding in the Gulf, and other oily stuff we can't keep from destroying the planet, no matter how hard we try and forget our almost-decade-long cowboy nightmare, we just can't shake the terrifying sense that UH OH, THERE'S NO WAY TO STOP THIS!!

Almost as if the "poison" still courses through the veins of our nation.

When The Only Cure Is...More Cowboy!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Oil's Well That Ends Well...Or In Total Disaster! Just Ask Charlie Crist Or Charlie The Tuna

Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill!

Everyone knows environmental conservation and coastal drilling go together like, well, water and oil, especially the more than 200,000 gallons spilling into the Gulf of Mexico every day, after another one of those really safe, technologically sound British Petroleum-leased oil rigs exploded, killing 11 workers and spewing thousands of gallons of toxic, highly flammable crude oil out of a hole at the end of the 5,000-foot-long pipe into the now flaming, black ocean.


Thanks to the wizards over at BP, who as it turns out could have prevented the entire disaster altogether with a simple remote "off" switch, which of course the rig lacked, because that would make too much sense, take all the fun "risk" out of the whole thing, and who knows, maybe even cost a fraction of the millions of dollars already "wasted" on the extensive emergency cleanup effort in the wake of the disaster. Oh, well! Ya win some, ya lose some, right!?

The oil spill is now estimated to be five times as big as previously thought—likely bigger than the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, but much to everyone's delight, the Coast Guard has already begun setting the oil on fire to control environmental damage.

Which is good news!

Because now the terrifying mass of crude oil the size of Rhode Island quickly barreling towards the Louisiana coastline has instead turned into a terrifying wall of flaming oil, the "color and texture of iced tea."

MMMmmmm, everyone loves iced tea! Especially when it tastes like delicious spilled oil and dead marine wildlife.

After admitting the spill was far more extensive than originally thought, BP's Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles said, "We'll take help from anyone."

Grab a shovel, Sarah!

Guess good things really do happen when you line your nation's unsightly bare coastline with beautiful offshore oil rigs. For freedom!

Speaking of post catastrophe cleanup efforts, the official "Scrubbing of Charlie Crist" from all pamphlets, websites, and any other Republican Party literature bearing this terrible traitor's likeness or name is underway in the Sunshine State.

"The governor is the elected head of our party, so just from a logistical standpoint, in terms of a lot of our printed materials, our website, some of the branding that we’ve done, and things like that, we really have to go back and reevaluate," said the source.

"We don’t want to presume what the governor’s announcement is going to be. All signs point to him leaving the party, so all the preparation we’ve done from a logistical standpoint is going back and seeing what changes need to be made, seeing as the sitting governor will no longer be a member of our party after today."

But with Charlie Crist saying bye bye to the GOP to go rogue as an Independent, where ever will Republicans find another closeted queer who votes against gay rights, while secretly banging 'em on the side, to carry the torch burning cross for the Grand Old Party in the Grand Old People State of Florida?

What's that?? Tea Party fave Marco Rubio, you say??

Hmmm...not bad. I mean he's got all the wingnut qualifications necessary to be the next great Jeb Bush-like savior to lead Florida to complete collapse. Yes, all in all, a decent option, that is, if Arizona's crazy immigrant-huntin' cops don't come down from the soon-to-be-all-white desert and ship him back to that other Cuba, 295.4 miles to the south of Miami, first.

Oh wait, ha ha, never mind. The ocean's on fire anyway! America wins again!

Long live the GOP!


Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Boycotting Arizona Is Easier Than Uno, Dos, Tres!

Welcome, America to the newest member of the Wild, Wild West, everyone's favorite Mexican' hatin', trashy wasteland of parched desert, crumbling business, and misguided legislation, the lighter, purer, swastika peppered land of Aryanzona! Yay!

But just in case you're one of those hoity-toity, arugula eating liberals who just hates it when dumb, sparsely populated states (nobody usually gives two minutes of thought) enacts terrible racist legislation targeting half the population who works in said hellhole of dry heat, John McCain, and hibernating old retirees, fear not my friends, because there is something you can do while all nice 'n cozy in your elitist Blue state where the Constitution actually means something other than grab your guns to drive out dem stinkin' brown people!

So, you're feeling a little like San Francisco (minus the gay and Asiany parts), and would too like to protest Arizona's stupid, hastily-written Gestapo immigration law by boycotting the whole racist, refried-bean state of Barry Goldwater and the entire McCain family, including traitor daughter Meg, who now lives a life of sin in NYC, and doesn't even support discriminating against illegals and/or non-illegals who look like they might be terrible illegals (gasp!).

Well, if you can live without P.F. Chang's, Sky Mall, GoDaddy, or any other of the other consumer blights on American society operating out of the white supremacist state of Arizona, then you are luckier than a Mexican who happens to be carrying his birth certificate when indiscriminately pulled over and harassed by the local posse of gun-totin' law enforcers while attempting to do everyday activities like walk outside.

No, this shouldn't be too bad at all. After all, most of the nation has been boycotting Arizona for years (without even knowing it), since no one other than fat, retired, white people wearing Cubs hats even thinks about moving there anyway, and most of the "big-name" businesses there do nothing but reinforce the nation's reputation as a red, white, 'n blue, foul-mouthed, materialistic, money-obsessed nation of heart attack victims to be.

Like seriously people, a Marshmallow Shooter?? I mean what does it say about a nation whose inhabitants are willing to spend actual money (not even chickens!) to buy a device solely for the purpose of shooting "sweet, edible miniature marshmallows 30 ft in the air?"

Perhaps someone had one too many mini bottles of Absolut Citron during their last, cramped cross-country, economy class voyage 30,000 ft above sea level?

But either way, if you can live without Danica Patrick's lightly veiled porno/domain-name registration site, GoDaddy, or the idea that freezing your dead carcass will somehow make you magically come back to life once unthawed, a la Alcor Life Extension Foundation, you should be able to put the Kibosh on the Nazi regime currently running Arizona, with relative ease.

Of course, there is the slight problem of that one world-famous national park called the Grand Canyon, which shouldn't have to suffer all because it happens to be eternally stuck in the terrifying Wingnut land of Aryanzona.

But how in the name of sweet Jesus can one still enjoy this breathtaking geological wonder without dropping a dime in dingbat Arizona?

Well, that's simple enough!

You want to see a timeless geological wonder, billions of years in the making, a living fossil , formed, shaped, and pounded by forces beyond its control, weathered by the elements carving away at its structure, succumbing to the ravages of pressure and time over millions of years, to form the craggy, rough, precipitous, worn-down link to the ancient world and awe-inspiring testament to our planet's violent, fiery past??

Just pay a quick visit to any one of the 218 Republicans currently serving in Congress.

It's basically the same dizzying, age-defying experience.

Or if you're feeling really adventurous, you can always head to one of the lovely desert national parks in hippie dippie, Constitutional abiding California, where even the Mayor's a terrible Mexican, everyone's free to do whatever they want (except gay marry each other), and visiting the myriad natural wonders within its vast confines won't automatically help send José and Jorge back to Juarez faster than you can say ¡Ay, caramba!


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

GOP Bands Together To Form Wall Of "No" To Preserve Their Favorite Wall Of "Ye$"

Oh No, Not Again!

New "bipartisan" financial legislation, supported by the vast majority of poor, hardworking losers like you and me, to help reign in Wall Street and put an end to not-at-all-selfish, bad-mortgage derivatives and other "fun" number games used by major banks to bet against their own investors, and screw over the rest of us Main Street schlubs, has been unanimously blocked by shrewd Republicans for the second straight day.

A very reasonable and politically tenable position, given the soaring popularity of massive, publicly bailed out banks, billionaire brokers, Wall Street fat cats, and big business these days, one that will likely lead to massive gains for the GOP in November's congressional elections.

Similar to the massive gains felt by most of the public, courtesy of Wall Street's very patriotic, likely illegal, get-rich-quick schemes to rake in billions in profits by duping the dumb American people out of their (now worthless) homes.

Hooray for Capitalism!

Of course, it makes perfect $ense for the Grand Old Party of rich, white men to block even simple debate on a publicly-popular bill to at least monitor said rich, white men because if that happens, how will they continue enabling some of Wall Street's most deviant practices (like robbing the poor and giving to the rich) in order to fatten their wallets and keep the campaign coffers stuffed to the brim with cold, hard corporate cash?

"The Senate voted 57-41 on a procedural measure allowing lawmakers to move toward debate on financial regulatory overhaul legislation, falling short of the 60 votes needed. All GOP senators present voted against invoking cloture, joined by at least one Democrat, Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE)."

Hmmm, Ben Nelson. Sounds so familiar, where have I heard that name before?

Ohhhhh right! That Ben Nelson, the same insufferable pro-life fetus whore who also voted no on beginning the whole health care reform debate because he likes to see poor people suffer (so long as their not in Nebraska), and now has to keep up his esteemed image as a greedy, selfish, grumpy pants, (corn)flake, who must now do whatever the Republicans tell him ever since his notorious about-face, joining his fellow Democrats to vote in favor of affordable, quality health care, automatic death-by-shovel sentences for Granny and baby Trig, and mandatory abortions for every fifth Republican senator, forever.

Oh, the beauty of Democracy!

But despite failing to open debate on Wall Street reform for the second consecutive day, the rascally Democrats vowed to remain on the offensive, charging that the GOP's latest obstruction of even simple debate on the legislation, puts them squarely on the side of Wall Street and against the will of the people.

What, what, what!? Republicans against the will of the people?? Surely, you jest with such blasphemy!

Not this Dirty Harry, who, while speaking on the Senate floor, said the vote "reveals who believes we need to strengthen oversight of Wall Street, and who does not [and] forces each Senator to publicly proclaim whether party unity is more important than economic security."

And the problem with that is?

"The Senate is a body where we proceed to legislation and then offer amendments and then debate takes place," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said. "But the Republicans have set a new standard, and that is they want to negotiate. Negotiate—that is the new banner. I wonder when the end of the negotiation takes place?"

Ummm, when the Democrats stop being little pussies, too afraid of their own scary majority status, and the GOP stops being greedy a**holes?

In other words, never.

"They're claiming that only a fully negotiated and agreed-upon bill can come up for debate. That is absurd, stunning, unheard of. They want all the details to be worked out beforehand behind closed doors, not in the view of the public," Reid said. "That's unprecedented in the more than 200 years we've been a Senate."

Oh, Harry, you're not that old!

What's so hard to understand here, anyway? The GOP simply doesn't care for bills that are made "behind closed doors," "open doors," or "any doors," for that matter, when it has to do with health care reform, financial reform, or any positive, Democrat-led reform that actually tries to help the American people not get screwed more times than Bristol Palin at the Wasilla high school prom.

In the end, this all means nothing really, because no matter what, Republicans will continue to find some terrible reason, excuse, or worst case scenario, just make up some lies, about how there's no way, come hell or high water, the dirty, no-good Soviet DEMONcrats will ever pass this elitist, COMMIE legislation to regulate Wall Street, and ruin America on their watch.

Their platinum and gold, diamond encrusted, special edition Rolex watch, that is. A gift of gratitude from their very generous, very powerful, very FAT friends of the feline variety.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Hurricane $arah Storms Through Oregon, Destroying All Intelligent Life In Its Wake

Category 5 Hurricane $arah Louise made landfall in wacky tobacky smokin' Eugene, Oregon for a li'l one-on-one session with "everyday, hard-working Americans," who make the great Beaver State the red hot, gun crackin', gay bashing, immigrant hatin', bastion of the hard Right we know and love today. Or at least in $arah Palin's demented mind, that is.

Either way, the Barracuda knows there's no better way to soften a skeptical, left-leaning crowd then with a few, well-placed jokes (written by someone with actual talent) about dumb liberals and their dumb policies always trying to help the poors improve their lives. Haha suckers!

And boy was Miss Alaska on a roll!

Stormin' into Oregon to speak at the Lane County Republican’s Lincoln Dinner, $arah Palin Inc. (all $12 million worth), rolled out the usual pleas for electing more "small government" (chicken bartering?), "free market" candidates who will help get this country back on the white, err, right track by drilling for oil in wildlife preserves and sendin' those stinkin' Mexicans back to Mexicanland, or wherever it is they came from.

"It's the belief that the government who governs least governs best," she said, with nary a glance at the inside of her palm as reminder.

Of course, before diving into her substantive speech of truncated action verbs, cheesy, patriotic campaign slogans, and semi-coherent cliches, $arah felt compelled to address the hilarious notion of such a noted(?) rightwing crank speaking in arugula-eating, animal protectin', baby-abortin', liberal-leanin' Eugene.

Like how she did a Google search (the Internet is not just for liberals anymore, my friends!) before her trip, and found an article that described the town as "hippie" and "granola," and in love with its organic food. Ugh, perverts! Guess this is what happens when you let gays get married.

"I eat granola," Palin said. "I just happen to shoot and catch my organic food before I eat it."

Oh, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Then I hang it on my wall and call it furniture, wink wink!

"Here I am in Track Town USA and my kid's name is Track. How Eugene hippie can that be?" she joked.

Oh, $arah you're right. You're a total hippie! The kind that loves all things natural and pure (like herself and tasty meaty things to shoot 'n skin), enjoys ca$hing in on other people's misfortune, and is very Jesus-like especially when protectin' other women's fetuses, and prosecuting college kids for correctly guessing the asinine password some dumb, lipstick wearing maverick chose for the very important, secure Yahoo! email she uses for conducting official Alaska state business.

But the funniest bits weren't these knee-slapping opening zingers or any of the hilarious jokes she didn't write, but rather the rest of her 40-minute war on intelligence and massacring of the English language.

"Only a limited government can provide the best path," she said, portraying her majestic self as a populist (like most popular right?) Washington outsider and vigilant government watchdog. Err, more like Arctic wolf?

"Trying to keep up with what they’re up to and to keep them and the press accountable has really become a full-time job," she said.

And everyone knows $arah doesn't really do the whole "full-time job" thing, unless it comes with a few mil upfront and/or involves ranting on her favoritest Facebook.

"We have to make sure this 'Obamacare' is short-lived," she said. "It felt so forced upon us. It was so forced upon us."

Kinda like some lipstick wearing maverick pig hockey mom forced upon the unsuspecting public by a desperate, old man in the final throes of a losing battle against Barack Obama and creeping dementia.

"Production of our resources means security for Americans and jobs for American workers," she said.

Someone needs to clean up the oil spills, no? Unless we want the gross Mexicans to do it, which I don't think would be very American of us, now would it?

Much like her expertise on all security matters, including nuclear proliferation (those puffy round pastries are soooo yummy!), $arah fancies herself quite the li'l environmentalist, arguing that America needs to drill, baby drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge because our country already has more stringent environmental restrictions than many of the foreign, third-world nations we currently rely on for oil. No fair-zees!

"So environmentalists are kind of hypocritical on this one," she said. "I don't know how environmentalists can sleep at night."

Perhaps the field of poppies helps?

Of course, no $arah Palin appearance would be complete taking aim at the "lamestream" media locked in her crosshairs (metaphorically speaking of course), who are clearly conspiring with the political left to discredit sweet $arah and bring down her loyal Benjamin Franklin dressed followers carrying swastikas and Hitler signs and wearing teabags (not flowers) in their hair.

"Sometimes they are kind of one in the same," she said. "We call them the 'lame-stream' media lately."

The royal we of me and my blue-eyed angel Glenny, that is, who know the terrible mainstream media's always makin' stuff up about the beautiful human bags of tea always protestin' and fussin' for the freedom to have a white president again.

"The left, well, they had to grab hold of something to discredit," she said. "The press then just started making things up. I've had to deal with that for quite some time now."

Yes, life can be so hard when the media keeps makin' you a star, and you keep rakin' in millions of dollars doin' nothing 'cept maybe give a "speech" off your hand in fake America every so often.

Naturally, the evil, elitist media was subject to strict guidelines from the Palin camp, lest any free-wheelin' journylist tried to give the Ice Empress any trouble with fancy liberal questions like "What newspapers do you read?" (Ha, not this time my friends!)

Per usual, no cameras or recording devices of any kind were allowed and reporters were only allowed to watch the speech on a video feed in an adjacent room. Speech organizers provided one photo of the event taken by a hired photographer. And as with an $arah event, audience members were pre-selected and all questions pre-screened, just in case any rogues showed up.

Like the two dozen or so protesters gathered outside the Eugene Hilton, who $arah addressed by saying it was nice to see she had "greeters" outside.

She also said her daughter, Bristol, perhaps being a little too naïve, went down and chatted with them before sending mama bear a cell phone picture of them on the sidewalk.

Whoa, whoa, Bristol, naive??? C'mon! I simply cannot believe such an outrageous lie! Sounds like a stunt MSNBC might pull. You're better than that Sar!

Then, Eugene City Councilwoman Jennifer Solomon read a pre-screened (is there any other kind?) question from the audience about her role at Fox News.

Palin said she was proud to be a part of Fox News for being "fair and balanced," (in her unfair, imbalanced mind) and praised Fox host Glenn Beck, saying with "his chalkboard technique he’s changing our country."

One Vick's Vapo Rub-induced tear at a time.

Maybe one day (when Jesus returns?), the whole country will have the distinct privilege of listening to a home-schooled man (use a public-school instrument) to teach all about how the evil Greenpeace hippie Left is destroying Neo-Nazis and other "progressive Right" groups so vital to our nation's future success.

Guess it's no surprise that after attending five colleges (yes, she took the wandering drifter approach to higher education), Miss Wasilla Wonder developed a fondness for the chalk board technique.

Anything to distract from whatever the hell kind of ozone-destroying, soul-crushing toxic waste is spewing from her mouth, shaded perfectly with her new lipstick tested exclusively on endangered animals.

Special needs Albino foxes, not included.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

$arah Palin's Quest To Bring Down 22-Year-Old Cyber Menace Who Guessed Her Yahoo! Password Two Years Ago

Awful arctic drifter $arah Palin is apparently getting bored making boatloads of money by quitting her day job(s) so she can put all her energies into doing what she does best: nothing!

Except, of course, when using her vast political knowledge and expertise on all security matters to help bring to justice a terrible blight on humanity, an evil elitist college student who discovered her dumb e-mail password was easier to penetrate than daughter Bristol, and managed to upload a few screen shots to some obscure web forum, leading to a day or two of harmless pranks, thus compromising the security of the entire United States.
Sarah Palin testified Friday against a 22-year-old man accused of hacking into her e-mail account, saying later it's up to the judge to decide whether he should serve prison time if convicted.

Palin testified that the hacking compromised one of the main ways she communicated with her family back in Alaska as she campaigned in 2008 as the Republican vice presidential candidate. Outside the courthouse, when asked whether she thought community service was punishment enough rather than prison, she said, "That's up to the judge."

Former University of Tennessee student David Kernell faces up to 50 years in federal prison if convicted of identity theft, mail fraud and two other felony charges. His lawyer has called the case a prank, not a crime.

Asked outside court if she thought the charges against Kernell were excessive, Palin said, "I don't know, but I do think there should be consequences for bad behavior."

Like having a baby out of wedlock before graduating high school and being rewarded with a cushy job as president of your own PR firm as the harsh consequence of your careless actions?? Or something like that.

Either way, this type of criminal behavior must be stopped (at all costs!) before more innocent people get hurt by this out-of-control cyber madman hellbent on humiliating $arah and the entire precious Palin family by correctly guessing her incredibly easy e-mail password hint two years ago. Hooray!

The former Alaska governor testified that she used the "gov.palin" Yahoo account and a Blackberry for almost all communication with her family while campaigning as the 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee.

Palin's husband, Todd, listened as she testified. Their daughter Bristol testified earlier this week that she got harassing calls and text messages after screen shots of e-mail from the account revealed her cell phone number.

A former Palin aide also described receiving vulgar e-mails.

Kernell isn't accused of the harassment. But prosecutors say he improperly gained access to Palin's e-mail account in September 2008 by correctly providing her birth date and ZIP code and correctly answering that Wasilla is where she met her husband.

The nerve of that guy Kernell, using the vast knowledge he acquired reading the first two sentences of her Wikipedia page to unlock the secrets of $arah's mind, and correctly answer "Wasilla High" as the super-secret place where she met her hunky husband Todd.

Surely, the CIA should know about this ingenious college code cracker, who could dismantle a nuclear bomb with his savvy ability to outsmart Yahoo's stealthy "Change Your Password Scheme" by guessing what mind-blowingly obvious password a vapid, former half-term governor would pick to ensure the highest levels of security for the free online e-mail service on which she conducts official state business, and other very important matters like the next high ranking Alaskan official to be blackballed for slighting her highness.

One would think $arah would simply be embarrassed that the so-called "hacker" was able to pull off the heist by possessing two widely available things: a knowledge that the series of tubes known as the Internets in fact exists, and a half hour or so of free time.

Most people would be, but not our sweet $arah!

Instead, $arah can reset her password to something a tad more challenging like lipstick, maverick, teabag, retarded, moose stew, Facebook, teleprompter, or, if she wants to be really secure, hopey-changey, and the hapless college student will probably rot in a jail cell for the next fifty years or so.

And $arah Palin will get even richer off this faux-victimization act, justice will be served, and all will be right in the world.

You betcha!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Bristol Palin's Very Important Public Service Announcement Warning Poor People To Pause Before Having Abortions

Hey America, it's me, Bristol coming to you live (and most certainly edited) to give you, the public, a very important public service announcement about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty, decide to get drunk and make maverick (aka no jimmy hat) sexytime with hotty boy toy Levi Johnston in the back of Papa Todd's pickup.

Now, imagine for a moment, if you were not the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin, and didn't have moose piles of money layin' around, and your hair went from being silky smooth and beautiful to ugly and frizzy, and all your decorative animal carcass furniture was magically taken away by invisible, probably liberal, hands??

Then maybe you too would think twice (which is one more than once!) about whippin' out the hooha every time Levi gets a hankerin' and mom's off shootin' mammals or makin' a quick buck in the mainland.

Or you my li'l pistol, may find yourself miserable and alone, wearing a plain white t-shirt with no fancy designer labels, and nothing but a ratty sofa and precious li'l miracle of Jesus to call your own.

So please America, take it from Bristol and PAUSE BEFORE YOU PLAY...

Then feel free to have tons of meaningless,
unprotected sex, and if you're gross, and not famous, and also pathetically poor, probably go ahead and have that abortion too.

Or keep your precious li'l miracle of one drunken night of bad judgment, use Mommy's money to launch your very own one-woman abstinence-only crusade (encouraging people to do the opposite of what you did), and remain the famously unwed teenage mother of the next weirdo-named (accidental) heir to the Alaskan throne.

For freedom!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Michael Steele Admits GOP Has Been Using Race For 40+ Years, As Its Actual Strategy, Hooray!

Everyone knows honesty is the best policy, except when you're the off-the-hook black chairman of the Republican National Committee and one of those nosy, arugula-eating, liberal elitists asks some crazy, trick question like "Why should an African-American vote Republican?"

Now this is typically the moment when said politician or in this case, esteemed RNC Chairman, espouses all the many ways ordinary black citizens of this country would be well served to vote for the Grand Old Party, now that it's no longer just the party of rich, racist old white men. Hooray?
"You really don't have a reason to, to be honest — we haven't done a very good job of really giving you one. True? True," Republican National Chairman Michael Steele told 200 DePaul University students Tuesday night.
But what about all the off-the-hook, hip-hop GOP youth straight out da streets, yo? Where they at?
"We have lost sight of the historic, integral link between the party and African-Americans," Steele said. "This party was co-founded by blacks, among them Frederick Douglass. The Republican Party had a hand in forming the NAACP, and yet we have mistreated that relationship. People don't walk away from parties. Their parties walk away from them."
Or in the case of blacks and the GOP, flee like the God damn dickens.
"For the last 40-plus years we had a 'Southern Strategy' that alienated many minority voters by focusing on the white male vote in the South. Well, guess what happened in 1992, folks, 'Bubba' went back home to the Democratic Party and voted for Bill Clinton."
Whoa, whoa, did the Steele baby just say, "For the last 40-plus years we had a 'Southern Strategy' that alienated many minority voters by focusing on the white male vote in the South??"

Ummm, isn't this exactly what liberals, commies, socialists and other evil cretins of the Left have been saying for like, literally ever? That basically the Republicans have played the race card for political gain for the last, umm, forty years or so, ever since tricky Dick (who everyone figured was a total sketchball anyway) employed the so-called 'Southern Strategy' of ignoring black voters, exploiting racial tensions, and catering to the whole white power segment of the population?

But here is the actual Chairman of the Republican National Committee saying, in effect, that liberals were, in fact, right to have argued that Republicans have done nothing but drum up racial tensions in order to win elections for the last four decades? Eh, no big deal.

Whatever, so what if the Republicans have basically catered to the white robe and hood wearing segment of the population ever since those uppity Negroes went and got themselves rights like the rest of the non-colored public?

I mean it's not like this means the GOP hates black people or anything--it's just that they enjoy using the blacks' historic plight of discrimination to help get themselves elected more. It's a simple strategy of pros vs. cons, and it just so happens that African-Americans tend to coincidentally find themselves squarely on the con side, along with equal rights, fair tax policy, helping gross poor people, a woman's right to choose, those pesky rainbows, dirty, peace-loving hippies, and any progress not aimed specifically at whites (aka all progress in general). Oh well!

The important thing is that Michael Steele understands the mistakes the Republican Party has made in the past (himself??) and has no intentions of repeating them.

Which is good because everyone knows the path to hell hella political power is paved with good intentions.

So, despite what jealous Democrats may say about the Teabaggers causing a "civil war" in the GOP, Mr. Steele knows the real winning strategy is to work with the Tea Party activists (and assorted other Klansmen, white supremacists, separatists, etc) to help elect Republicans this fall.

"I have advised our state chairs: Don't turn your nose up, or turn away those who are active in the Tea Party movement. Embrace them. Welcome them. Talk to them," Steele said. "Those activists have now become a very large part of our voting bloc. They represent a third or more of the voting age population, so they're going to have a profound impact on elections and in some cases in the primaries this November and this spring. Both parties had better pay attention."

P.S.: The best part is they also just so happen to be the GOP's favoritest color. No, not green, silly, White!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Arizona, Proudly Scaring The Bejesus Out Of America Since 1912

America's lovely parched desert landscape of cacti and Gila monsters (no, not that otherworldly beast pictured above), plus plentiful racist, Mexican-hating wingnuts have helped make Arizona the majestic, Big-Government dependent, scorched used tire outlet, we Americans, know and love so well.

Throw in that confused old man who blessed the public with some lipstick wearing maverick pig before officially checking out of the rough road known as reality, en route to staving off some initialed-madman on horseback gunning for his senate seat. Add a dash of racist intolerance, a creeping fear of change, a pinch of immigrant hysteria, sprinkle in some racial profiling and discrimination, some birthers here, a few minutemen there, and you my friend have all the ingredients for the delicious new Alabama of the West, Aryanzona, the purest state since all the immigrant workers fled for greener pastures where there's still actual jobs and rule of law, not roving gangs of trigger-happy cops leading pogroms against Mexicans in the streets.

First, there is the not-at-all unconstitutional measure passed by the state legislature that would require police to stop anyone suspected of being an illegal immigrant. Meaning if you happen to live in Arizona, your skin is brown (or any color not snowflake white) and/or you have that whole "immigrant" look about you, you will be mercilessly harassed by lunatic cops on horses demanding your proof of residency before roundin' the whole family up and shipping 'em off someplace else where they take more kindly to foreign invaders who are fundamentally integral to the health of the economy.

"The Arizona Legislature has just stepped off the deep end of the immigration debate, passing a harsh and mean-spirited bill that would do little to stop illegal immigration. What it would do is lead to more racial profiling, hobble local law enforcement, and open government agencies to frivolous, politically driven lawsuits."

"The bill is a grab bag of measures to enlist law enforcement and government at every level to expose and expel the undocumented. Opponents say it verges on a police state, which sounds overblown until you read it."

"It would make not having immigration documents a new state misdemeanor, and allow officers to arrest anyone who could not immediately prove they were here legally. That means if you are brown-skinned and leave home without a wallet, you are in trouble."

Ooooh, sounds fun! If I ever want to give the kiddies a lesson about the good ol' days living in Hitler's Germany, I'll just gather the fam, pack into the old station wagon and head out west to show the li'l youngins how delightfully fun and full o' surprises living in a Gestapo-run police state really can be!
"The lunacy of rounding up people because they look a certain way, or are suspected of being in violation of immigration statutes, can only lead to one thing – violations of people's basic, fundamental civil rights. Profiling," Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) said.
Isn't that the point, Lou?

But supporters of the Arizona legislation, like the bill's primary sponsor, and advocate of 1950s deportation programs like "Operation Wetback," Republican State Sen. Russell Pearce, say it would give police the tools they need to combat violent crimes committed by illegal immigrants.

"Illegal is not a race, it's a crime," Pearce said.

Ignorance, on the other hand, is still legal in all 50 states.

"In the end, it all comes back to the president of the United States and whether he will put his back into comprehensive immigration reform," Gutierrez added.

Ummm, yeah that is if President Obama could actually go into Arizona without being swarmed by unhinged cops and militiamen seeing his chocolate-y hue, and immediately demanding his birth certificate and/or proof of citizenship.

Fresh off the heels of their new "Mexicans No Welcome" bill, Arizona's enlightened House of Representatives passed another measure requiring candidates for the U.S. presidency to provide their birth certificate to the Arizona secretary of state.

Which is obviously aimed at Mittens Romney (or whichever Republican candidate wins the chance to lose another election), not any particular half-black, secret Muslim from Kenya currently in the White House who will be running again in 2012.

"The Arizona House on Monday voted for a provision that would require President Barack Obama to show his birth certificate if he hopes to be on the state’s ballot when he runs for reelection. The House voted 31-22 to add the provision to a separate bill. The measure still faces a formal vote."

"It would require U.S. presidential candidates who want to appear on the ballot in Arizona to submit documents proving they meet the constitutional requirements to be president."

The Arizona Capitol Times reports:

Rep. Kyrsten Sinema, a Phoenix Democrat who voted against the measure, said the bill is one of several measures that are making Arizona "the laughing stock of the nation...I am ashamed that this is even a topic of discussion."

Oh Kyrsten, there's nothing to be ashamed of! We're used to these sorts of ass-backwards attempts "to take back the country" from Negroes, Mexicans, and other undesirables stealin' America from the poor, disenfranchised white man, courtesy of the great state of Arizona. I mean we are talking about the same state that refused to honor Martin Luther King Jr., with a federal holiday because what the hell did he even do anyway?

So the man gave a few good speeches about having dreams...well so did Sarah Palin (even if her dreams were about drillin' baby drillin' for oil in every protected wildlife reserve in Alaska, for equality), and you don't see the whole country trying to honor her with a federal holiday, now do you?

So stop slacking Arizona!

Why stop now? Hopefully, Republican Governor Jan Brewer will stop dillydallying and sign the soon-to-be "Birther Bill" and Nazi anti-immigrant law already sitting on her antique mahogany desk, so the Grand Canyon State can once again seal its fate as the stupidest, most bigoted state in all our precious union.

And John McCain can resume his favorite role terrifying the nation's kiddies and dumbfounding the scientific community as to what the hell kind of grotesque species of God knows what, has the ability to morph from a one-time defender of brown people, into a semi-coherent, slightly senile, Mexican-hatin' Senator who traded his soul for a chance to ride the Sarah Palin Maverick Express straight into eternal damnation, brimstone and hellfire.

With a quick pit stop in Washington, DC, first.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Justice Is Blind...If Only Someone Invented A Language Of Dots To Overcome This Affliction

Ah yes, the mighty Supreme Court, the ultimate judicial body on all issues, including final interpretive authority on laws relating to technology across this great land. Hooray!

So while these nine justices--the brightest legal minds in the country--may be well versed when it comes to matters of Stare Decisis, ask 'em about Sega Genesis, and all you get are nine stumped robes with decisive stares.

During oral arguments in the case City of Ontario v. Quon, which considers whether police officers had an expectation of privacy in personal (and sexually explicit) text messages sent on pagers issued to them by the city, the savvy minds of the Supreme Court appeared to have difficulty wrapping their thick robes around all this crazy new technology, like electronic mail, cell phones, the series of tubes called the Internets, and those typewriter thingy's that come with a screen, DC's or PC's or something like that.

"The first sign was about midway through the argument, when Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr.--who is known to write out his opinions in long hand with pen and paper instead of a computer (and bitch about meany black presidents not named Bush)--asked what the difference was 'between email and a pager?'"

Ummm, let's see, how shall we explain this in a way someone of his age, who still uses a legal pad instead of an iPad, will understand?

You use email for contacting the wifey (like what time she should have your dinner ready), while a pager is for contacting the mistress (like which by-the-hour motel to meet you at), and never the twain shall meet! Capisce?

Wow. Perhaps you should loosen your robe, Juris Doctor Roberts, I think it may be cutting off your oxygen supply, unless it's your W-era software that is the problem.

He must still be runnin' Windows Operating System Bush 2.0. That one was full of bugs, coding errors, and compatibility problems outside the U.S, 'cept for Poland, Marshall Islands, El Salvadore, Azerbaijan, and other 'tech-savvy' Coalition of the Willing members with no standing armies or digital infrastructures to tweet of.

Go on?

Certainly one of other spry, young whippersnappers on the high court (besides the 55-year-young Chief) are familiar with all this off-the-hook youth technology apart from electricity and indoor plumbing.

Like 73-year old Supreme Court "tween," Justice Anthony Kennedy who asked what would happen if a text message was sent to an officer at the same time he was sending one to someone else.

"Does it say: 'Your call is important to us, and we will get back to you?'" Kennedy asked.

I emailed him to ask if he was really that technologically ignorant, but just kept getting this weird beeping sound. Maybe I'll have more luck sending smoke signals or carrier pigeons!?

Perhaps sprightly 74-year-old Justice Antonin Scalia could help enlighten the rest of us luddites with all this cutting edge mumbo jumbo like service providers.

"You mean the text doesn’t go right to me?" Scalia asked.

Oh sh*t! Now everyone will see the sweet nothings me and Clary send each other while chillaxin' in our robes discussing a certain illegal Kenyan's birth certificate late night in the chambers when no one's around to disturb us.

Then he asked whether they can be printed out in hard copy, using one of them devil machines.

"Could Quon print these spicy little conversations and send them to his buddies?" Scalia asked, fantasizing about the spicy little supper wife Maureen better be whippin' up, lest she wants the spicy little belt whippin' again.

But fear not, America! It wasn't just the justices who had technical difficulties.

When Justice Samuel Alito asked Quon’s attorney Dieter Dammeier if officers could delete text messages from their pagers in a way that would prevent the city from retrieving them from the wireless carrier later, Dammeier said that they could.

Apparently, Alito still wasn't satisfied, but unlike during President Obama's State of the Union address, did manage to contain himself from convulsing violently and mouthing "No, No!"

A few minutes later, Alito gave Dammeier another shot at that question, asking him, "Are you sure about your answer on deletion?"

Dammeier admitted that he didn't know. "I couldn't be certain," he said.

What is certain however, is that these living fossils do come in color. Kind of. If you count Clarence Thomas as "black," Scalia's fat red face, or Roberts and Alito's purplish rage whenever Comrade Barry calls them out for reversing a century of legal precedent, so Uncle Ben (the rice maker) can donate as much campaign money as Ben's Uncle (with the pace maker), just like our Founding Fathers™ intended.

Either way, looks like this justice system needs to reboot, reset, and restart. Otherwise, it's Game Over for the rest of us non-Apple II GS users. But be patient. This new dial-up takes a few minutes to load.

But, that's okay, we have all the time in the world. A whole lifetime to be exact.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Meet Harley D. Brown, Idaho's Second Smartest Export After The Potato

Just when you thought the only thing Idaho was good for was shoving
delicious golden potatoes and closeted gay sex monsters masquerading as Republican senators by the name of Larry Craig, down the throats of the American public, the lovely Spud State is at it again, this time in the form of fat anger bear and certifiable lunatic, Harley D. Brown, who hopes to take his hatred of all things Brown (minus himself and Idaho's #1 crop, of course!) all the way to the U.S. Congress, as Idaho's next awesomely insane Representative. Wooohooo!

But what exactly can Brown do for you? Oh, well that depends. Are you bald, white, angry, and tippin' the scales at 250 lbs plus? Do you hate the dirty border hoppin' illegals comin' to steal your jobs and have their way with your young supple wives and daughters? Are you sick and tired of all the college-educated elitists over in Washington who think (white) taxpayer money should go to helping the dumb poors and terrible minorities instead of just Real Americans like Wall Street bankers and Jim-Crow lovin' potato farmers in overalls? Are you ready to round up all the pot smokin' hippies, rainbow-wavin' queers, and assorted other Godless deviants of humanity and ship the whole lot of 'em to some remote island no one cares about, in the middle of nowhere, like Manhattan?

Well, if so, my friends, you're in for a real treat in Harley D. Brown, the demented love child of one wild, drunken night of passion (and regret!) between Mr. Clean and the Wicked Witch of the West.

But don't take my word for it. Why not go straight to the source, and hear from the big man himself where he stands on the most pressing issues of today?
  • It is my passionate, intense and burning desire to attack and annihilate that monstrous national debt, the biggest threat by far to our dearly beloved children and grandchildren. We owe it to them to pass along a DEBT-FREE USA. I would be absolutely delighted to lead the charge against this enemy of us all. I believe that well over 90% of what the Feds do today is unconstitutional and should be eliminated by We the People. The sooner the better!
Preferably by firebombing the entire swamp and all the vile sewer rats swimming in it!
  • Mighty War Department.
He just loves war, what, you got a problem with that or somethin'?...Pussies!
  • Keep The Queens Out Of The Marines (And Out Of The Other Armed Forces Too!)
Combat is NO place for women or queers. They're for cookin' dinner, making babies, or in the gays' case, as the perfect rainbow-colored shooting range practice targets.
  • Gun Control...Is Hitting Your Target!
  • "If The Government Wants To Take My Guns, I'll Give Them The Bullets First!"
Which brings us to the scourge of income tax (the favoritest scourge of wingnuts and racists since the Bubonic Plague)!
  • The Government is supposed to be our servant, not our Master. Who ever heard of a servant demanding, under penalty of law, to receive annual reports of every penny of the Master's income?
  • I, Harley D. Brown, declare the US Tax code should be scuttled and declared unconstitutional on the legal grounds of being Void for Vagueness. Please consider sending a loud mouth passionate demolition expert to Washington, DC. I will destroy mediocrity and politics as we know it. Congress needs someone crazy like me to combat their insanity.

Kinda like when you got a fever, and you know the only prescription is...more cowbell!?!?

Or how "Where There's Smoke, There's Fire!" The illegal Kenyan must Show or Go!!
  • Why has Obama NOT produced a valid birth certificate providing he was born on American soil? Because he can't. If he faked it, he would be guilty of Federal felony Fraud. The first thing that I'd like to do when elected and on behalf of the 1/2 million American citizens of my district, I promise to scream like a F-4 Jet fighter at full war emergency after burner take off power and demand he produce his birth certificate. If that doesn't work, I’ll make louder noises and get a lot more aggressive. In fact this is “DO OR DIE!” They will have to kill me to get me to shut up.
Can we get that in writing, please??
  • If it is proven Obama is not the legitimate president, then everything he has done while in office and all the people he has appointed and everything they have done will be nullified. This would really dump hot coals into the shorts of those communist liberal progressive politicians.
Who get off on helping sick children and dumb poors not die, the bastards!
  • It would be like Luke Skywalker dropping his bomb into the ventilation shaft of the Death Star in "Star Wars."
Ummm, yeah that too??
  • Immigration Policy: "Content Comming Soon" (Yes, that's how Wingnuts spell "coming"). But for now, it's "Adiós Amigos!" (I wish I was joking, really I do).

So, what else qualifies Mr. Brown for elected office, other than his obvious mastery of the English language?

  • I was also a Taxicab driver and evangelist in Boise, Idaho where I led approximately 1,000 lost souls to the Lord Jesus Christ: Drunks and Winos, Hookers and Strippers, Bums, and Homeless; Hippies and Rainbow people, Bikers, and Villains, Truckers and Construction workers, Businessmen and Proletarians, psychos and weirdos, homos and lesbians; even some people who looked normal and smelled nice.
Unlike those stinkin' rotten Mexicans, right?
  • I considered myself the "intake manifold to the Kingdom of God."
Excusez-moi??? Oh right, because God operates much like the internal engine of your '91 Chrysler LeBaron.
  • Now that I am retired I have an intense burning desire to destroy all the works of those Progressive Liberal Politicians in Washington D.C. whom I brand as vile domestic enemies to the country and Constitution we're SWORN TO DEFEND.
But apparently, not to read. (Me no reed good, me likey pictures!).

What other pearls of wisdom can Mr. Harley D. Brown impart to us ignorant members of the public, being led blindfolded to the 7th layer of hell by our evil socialist masters?

  • Just one of our submarines packs enough Fire Power to level a continent. The Terrorists should be terrified of the USA, not the other way around! This is because many US politicians are spineless jellyfish. (Someone's been watching the Nature Channel, huh?)
  • 9/11 should have been more than enough provocation for us to use our "HEAVY EQUIPMENT." (Like your massive brainpower?)
  • NEVER send a Marine where you can send a bullet and ALWAYS send the BIGGEST bullet you've got.
Or in Harley D. Brown's case, the biggest A**HOLE you've got. Either one'll do the trick!

Harley Brown or Mr. Potato Head's Evil Hell Twin?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Mixed Nutz: Hippies Crackin' Nazis, Almond-Led Gun Nuts Packin' Heat In Parks, Romney Roastin' Wingnuts, & Sarah's Stash Of Cold, Hard Ca$hews

About 40 lame-o white supremacists from some quasi neo-Nazi militia in Detroit headed west to the Mexican haven of Los Angeles to protest all the dirty, gross brown people working, living, and breathing (gasp!) the pure, white air there every day en route to reclaiming the land stolen from them by the evil gringos during the Mexican-American war.

Sadly, the Nazis were soon yelled at and beaten up by local hippies, Jews, Latinos, Blacks and other scary minorities who were apparently able to bully their way past the Black and Latino cops dispatched to protect the nice group o' Nazis while they exercised their First Amendment rights to tell all non-milk hued undesirables (black and Latino cops included) to stop "clogging up our streets" and get the f**k out of their country, God's country, as soon as they're done making sure Hitler's new Aryan Army doesn't get too roughed up by the ominous second-class citizens (hippies included!) closing in on them.

Must be the new high-grade medical marijuana. That Cali chronic's crazier than Nazis and Teabaggers, yo!

One Neo-Nazi, bloodied by the protesters, carried a sign that read "Christianity=Paganism=Heathen$" with an arrow pointing at a swastika.

"Gosh, I think he just didn't have a clear message. I don't even think he was a Nazi," said one onlooker who witnessed the melee.

Those crazy Nazis! Wait, or was it Teabaggers? It's sooooo hard to keep 'em straight these days!

Speaking of kindred Nazi and Teabagger spirit, the latest Public Policy Polling survey of leading Republican candidates for the 2012 presidential elections shows Mittens Romney continuing to dazzle at the top of the pack, followed by the new spokesman against sodomizing puppies, Mike Huckabee at 27%, and beautiful Alaskan wanderer-turned-millionaire-wonder Sarah Palin at 23%.

"The big story in 2012 polling continues to be Palin's surprisingly poor performance. She hasn't led in a single one of the dozen individual states we've taken a look at, and runs ten points behind Romney nationally. She is actually the most well liked of the GOP front runners with 66% viewing her favorably to 55% for Huckabee and 54% for Romney, but there's a disconnect between how much voters like Palin and how willing they are to support her for President."

President of America, that is. But, President of Facebook, you betcha!

Speaking of our #1 favoritest maverick to ever venture from her frozen home near Russia to bless us sinners in the sweltering, Godless mainland by letting us help her make Mount McKinley's of money, none of which she will donate to any candidates of any party because she is Sarah and Sarah doesn't do elitist things like donate money to actual candidates.

She does Sarah-y things like draw pretty interactive map hit lists targeting vulnerable congressional Democrats with gun crosshairs, along with peaceful, political words like "reload," "aim" and "fire," so people will know to bust out their bullet point pens and spray ink all over the ballot box. For freedom!

Sure, Sarah put the bull's eye on 20 U.S. House races on her favoritest Facebook, because every gun nut knows "Take up your arms' means voting."

What it doesn't mean is her highness giving even one cent (her two-sense is apparently enough) to any of the "favored" candidates in those same contested districts during the first quarter of the year.

"Although her SarahPAC took in $400,000 in the first quarter and had more than $900,000 in the bank, it gave only $7,500 to candidates between January and the end of March, plus an additional $2,000 to two other PACs. None went to Republicans in the races she targeted."

Instead, it went to important things like de-icing private planes, helping Sarah learn secret tricks like how to scribble speeches on her hand (teleprompters are so elitist!), post on social networking sites (that series of tubes called the internets can be so darned tricky!), and find the perfect shade of lipstick to go with her new designer digs for maverick hockey mom pigs who know there's more than one way to skin a cat.

A DemoCAT, that is!

Quite the li'l pistol, that one!

Speaking of unhinged firearms, a bunch of paranoid, delusional gun nuts masquerading as patriots descended on two federal parks in Virginia to make history as the first people to wave AK-47s and other semi automatic weapons at a demonstration in a national park to protest the federal government taking away the rights of paranoid gun fanatics to brandish their weapons and scream about said evil federal government.

Of course, those coming to the "Restore the Constitution" rally give no credit to President Obama for signing the law that permits them to bring their guns to Fort Hunt, run by the National Park Service, or to Gravelly Point, as close to the District as they could get while packin' some metal muscle and also complying with local and Interior Department regulations. Nor are they comforted by a broad expansion of gun rights in several states since B. Hussein's election.

Nope. These real Americans don't need trivial things like facts or truth to tell them why they hate this black menace in the White House, and his Democratic cabal of secret Muslim terrorists, Commies and Socialists out to destroy America. With health care. And gay rights. And sensible nuclear policies. And Wall Street regulations. And abortions. And immigrants.

But, for the rest of those fake Americans not packing heat or carrying extra ammo magazines strapped to their rear, who aren't afraid of the big, bad (black) government comin' for their guns and grandmas, it is probably a wise idea to stay as far away from Gravelly Point or Fort Hunt Park as possible, because one of these "heroes" will probably see something dark rustling around, mistake it for a bear or black person, and start accidentally(?) spraying bullets in all directions.

Just like Jesus and the Constitution intended.

The brandishing of weapons is "not just an important symbol" but "a reminder of who we are," said rally organizer Daniel Almond.

Dumb, racist wingnuts who wouldn't know the constitution if it hit them over the head. Unless it came ripping out the other end in a trail of exploding flesh, blood and brain matter.

"The founders knew that it is the tendency of government to expand itself and embrace its own power, and they knew the citizenry had to be reminded of that."

Just like that other "patriot" who hated the terrible government so much he blew up the Oklahoma city federal building and murdered 168 people, including 19 little kids at daycare, and reminded everyone what another freedom-loving hero of the right does to show his love of America on this very April 19th day, 15 years ago.

But you may remember him better as convicted terrorist and mass murderer, Timothy McVeigh.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Faux Teabaggers: All The Flavor, None Of The Jittery Rage

Wow, imagine the fun it would be if a bunch of arugula eating liberals and other ivy league educated types used their elitist brains to infiltrate a Tea Party and capture the true essence of the 'bagger (fat 'n pale?) in all its misspelled messages of hate (white or bust!), fear (taxes 'n queers), anger (i luv gunz!), patriotism (darkies go home), and wistful nostalgia for the good old days of antebellum and Jim Crow enforcin' glory!

Well, thanks to the courageous men and women who braved AK-47 brandishing Benjamin Franklins (err make that Benjamine Franklin) and locked 'n loaded human bags o' Lipton, to bring us elitists livin' in "Fake" America (aka the lower 48), the funniest faux teabagger signs this side of the Mason-Dixon line.

So, the big question now becomes how do you spot the difference between a real teabagger and a fake teabagger? That's easy, if it's spelled right and makes sense, with all the full-bodied herbal flavor, but none of the "crazy" caffeine additives, then it's even better than the real thing: it's not!

Besides, whoever said crazy people should have all the fun?? that's why Glenn Beck's always sobbing uncontrollably like a madman who forgot his medication. It finally all makes perfect sense!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Rush Confuses Being The Size Of A Volcano With Being An Actual Expert On Said Volcanoes

Vile, hate-spewing king of blubber and blabber, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, took to his favorite airwaves to seek some desperately needed attention, and also to remind the good (white) people of America that he is in fact, still living in this great land despite vowing to flee once Obama's evil plan to help those poor schlubs without effeminate, multimillion dollar palaces have access to affordable, quality health care, passed into law.

So thank you Rush, for at the very least, teaching us all the valuable lesson that life is full of disappointment, but if one wishes to reduce these disheartening blows, and avoid the more bitter aspects of human existence, they would be well advised not to believe a single word that comes rushing out of his gluttonous, overworked mouth.

Of course, considering the poetic brilliance that typically flows from his massive lips whenever some terrible event occurs (like America electing its first black president or passing health insurance that doesn't just ensure the health of the pharmaceutical companies), not to mention his sizable girth, ignoring the messenger isn't always easy.

Like just yesterday, when El Rushbo grabbed his bestest friend, Mike R. Phone, hit the on switch and began rambling on about how the volcanic eruption in Iceland was "God speaking" in response to the passage of health care in America, because apparently God can't tell the difference between frozen European tundra and frozen American tundra.

(Hint: If you see Sarah Palin shootin' at endangered wolves from the sky, it's our Arctic playground; the one where Bjork is wearing something that looks like whatever Sarah just shot and field-dressed, while skipping around yodeling about how it's "oh so quiet," it's theirs).

Anyway, so Rush is pretty sure that the passage of health care here is the reason why a glacial volcano went kablooey over there, because why wouldn't God reveal his Divine plans to an overweight, college-dropout with a drug problem?

RUSH: You know, a couple of days after the health care bill had been signed into law Obama ran around all over the country saying, "Hey, you know, I'm looking around. The earth hadn't opened up. There's no Armageddon out there. The birds are still chirping." I think the earth has opened up. God may have replied. This volcano in Iceland has grounded more airplanes -- airspace has more affected -- than even after 9/11 because of this plume, because of this ash cloud over Northern and Western Europe. At the Paris airport they're telling people to head to the train station to catch trains out of France, and when people get to the train station they're telling people, "There aren't any seats until at least April 22nd," basically a week from now. It's got everybody in a shutdown. Earth has opened up. I don't know whether it's a rebirth or Armageddon. Hopefully it's a rebirth, God speaking.
Hopefully, the kind that feasts on lying, ill-informed, obese hate mongers (with delusions of divinity), swallowing them up in its apocalyptic fury and wrathful vengeance en route to a brave new world, God speaking, of course.

So there you have it folks.

God decided to punish Americans for passing health care reform (to help poor people not die) by causing an Icelandic volcano to erupt and wreak havoc on European air travel.

Either God's aim is as pathetic as one of Sarah Palin's famous speeches-from-the-hand, or apparently, the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Creator of Heaven and Earth got into Rush's pill stash again.

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Thinking Majority Give Tax Day Thanks, While The Other 5% Brew Tea & Carry Misspelled Signs

Except when in the process of getting teabagged, we presume??

But beyond that, turns out these loyal 'baggers
would also rather pay exorbitant Bush-era taxes and give the evil government more money, than get to keep their hard-earned money and have a black man to thank for their flusher-than-usual wallets.

Of course, to the other 95% of Americans who didn't go into immediate cardiac arrest and/or cognitive shutdown as soon as a black man moved into the White House,
this makes little sense.

Included in this still-thinking majority is, of course, the secret Muslim terrorist arugula-eating Kenyan Nazi himself, President Barack Hussein Obama, who seemed perplexed by the teabaggers' fury, considering the tax cut he implemented last year slashed taxes for all but the richest Americans. Think Cindy McCain. Or that hilarious cowboy with his loyal base of 'haves' and 'have mores,' who don't care whether he can say nuc-u-lar so long as they can keep gettin' rich tryin' to find 'em in the Iraqi desert.

So, while "average" Americans donned britches, false wooden teeth, and 18th century wigs to go with their pitchforks, swastikas and Hitler mustaches in protest of this oddly colored man and his terrifying vision of a fair, sensible tax policy, the half-black reincarnation of Karl Marx took to the podium to speak to the rest of the masses not turning into human bags of Lipton over the mind-blowing reality that taxes are actually at their lowest levels in 60 years.

OBAMA: We cut taxes for 95 percent of working Americans just like I promised we would on the campaign. […] So I’ve been a little amused over the last couple days where people have been having these rallies about taxes. You would think they would be saying, “Thank you!” That’s what you’d think!
Oh hahahahahahahaha! Yeah, that's what you'd think, if you actually had fissured gray and white soft tissue between your ears, instead of the putrefied remains of whatever went into Sarah Palin's famous meat patty surprise mixed with the salty drops of Glenn Beck's bountiful tears.

But as we all know (or at least the other, thinking 95% of us), "The relation between what is said in the tax debate and what is true about tax policy is often quite tenuous."

Be that as it may, even Tax Policy Center co-director William Gale conceded, "The rise of the Tea Party at at time when taxes are literally at their lowest in decades is really hard to understand."


What's so hard to understand about a bunch of racist, ignorant, Benjamin Franklin dressed "morans" who get their fair and balanced news from fellow meat-headed heathens at Fox, being used like Bristol Palin in the back of Levi's pickup after a drunken Saturday night in the snow-covered meth lab of Wasilla?

Sure, the rise of the anti-tax, semi-literate KKK Grand Wizards and wingnuts comprising the Tea Party at a time when taxes are at their lowest in over half a century may be somewhat difficult to comprehend (kinda like two terms of Bush??).

But the tea party actually thanking a black man??
HAHAHAHAHA, now, that's rich!

Not as rich as the 95 percent of grateful, hardworking Americans who realize they no longer need to own an oil refinery, have a majority stake in Halliburton, or have a four-letter last name synonymous with shrubs that rhymes with mush, to receive tax relief, but hey, close enough!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Sarah Palin Wishes Barack Obama Would Love War Like A True American

Ugh, why can't Barack Obama start loving war like a real American?

A rough 'n tumble, real American, like Sarah Louise Palin, who understands America is only as strong as the number of civilians and non-combatants we kill with predator drones and unmanned aerial vehicles, preferably without either international or popular support.

Hello, this is America, home of the free and brave, not free and 'fraidy cat!

And sorry, NObama but one little war in Afghanistan is not good enough. NOT GONNA CUT IT, ya hear!?

Until Mr. Pussyfoot over here starts understanding we need to bomb MORE hospitals, MORE schools, and MORE unarmed gatherings of citizens like weddings and funerals, we will NEVER live up to our true potential, as the undisputed king of the jungle. The mighty lion, hear us Roarrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Instead, we're like little lambs to the slaughter. Bleat, bleat!

But, bomb, baby bomb, and we'll be strong like bull. Huff, huff!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Fun Facts: Special Diva, Downer, Dachshund, & Diddley Edition

World famous quitter Sarah Palin may not need hoity-toity teleprompters when delivering one of her $100,000 "reading off-the-hand" things to elitist students at Cal State University, instead demanding all the usual perks you'd expect from the one-time mayor of a snow-covered meth lab, turned half-term governor, turned professional Facebooker, teevee star and full-time diva.

Thanks to the arugula-eating college kids who dug through the trash to find her half-shredded contract, we now know Sarah is just like the rest of us hardworking schlubs who insist upon first class when forced to fly commercial and rub elbows with the gross public. Ugh.

But if little Miss Tiddlywinks is spared slumming with the rest of the gross, Real Americans on an actual 727, "the private aircraft MUST BE a Lear 60 or larger." In addition, her highness must be provided with a suite, plus two rooms at the best hotel, and bendy straws in her water bottles.

And you just wait and see what happens if her straws aren't flexible, God damn it!

This of course does not include Palin's upwards of $100,000 speaking fees for the trouble of reading a semi-coherent list off the palm of her hand before taking questions from the extensively screened audience members whose questions are predetermined, lest sweet Sarah find herself in the uncomfortable situation of having to actually formulate an original thought 'stead of readin' generic fightin' words about how America is the bestest, most beautifulest, freeest, most God lovingest, awesomest country in the whole wide world and that is why we must drill, baby drill until every last small business owner has health care for the economy of the Real America without evil socialist government taxes cause they're mean and we hate 'em!

On the other hand, Alaska is awesome just like capitalism and Fox News and Tea Parties, and that is why we need to get that suspiciously Muslim Kenyan out of the White House and back to organizing dumb communities in Chicago (or was it China?) or wherever it is that hardworking people of color go to help better their impoverished communities because they hate America.

You know who doesn't hate America? Joe Lieberman that's who!

Sure, countless months and asinine teabagger rallies have passed, with nary a peep or even a Wah Wah about how the poors are ruining this or black people make him uncomfortable, or secret oil wars are good, from everyone's favorite bundle of charm and delight, Joseph Isadore Lieberman.

We were beginning to wonder if everything was alright with Jewish Benedict Arnold since he hadn't said or done anything dumb and terrible to piss people off or even try to ruin everything for everyone like he usually does so well.

But fear not my friends, because Connecticut's biggest mistake since neighboring terrible gay Taxachussetts, is back to remind America why we despise this sniveling wisp of a man in the first place.

Like saying how Sarah Palin is "warm and likable," and a "powerful force" who speaks for "a lot of people out there."
"I think ... Sarah Palin for a lot of people has become a spokesperson. People worried that government has forgotten them, that it has grown too big, that the deficit is growing too large, and in some sense that we're not being as strong as we should be in the world—Governor Palin has spoken to those concerns as much as anyone."

"I do disagree with her on some of the specifics that she has said, but I think anybody who underestimates Sarah Palin as a political force in America does so at some peril, because she is speaking for a lot of people out there.
Especially those who kan't read good and/or have babies out of wedlock after a drunken night in the back of a pickup truck.

But that's not all! You see Joe has never quite felt comfortable with these massive majorities for the party that nominated him for vice-president way back in 2000, the very party he caucuses with, and which grants him the numerous chairmanships and high ranking positions on valuable committees he covets so much.

And that is why Joe is so very thankful that the Great Pendulum of American Democracy will swing back towards the Republicans— America's true party—come 2010 when the Grand Old Party retakes the House, Senate, and the nation back from brink of Socialist ruin at the hands of a radical black man from Kenya.
"There were a lot of people, particularly Democrats, who were declaring after the 2008 election that we were beginning a period of Democratic dominance that would go on for decades," Lieberman said during an interview with the conservative Newsmax magazine. "Now, all of a sudden, the momentum is with the Republicans. And that's—thank God—that's the way people have spoken, you know? That's our democracy."
And thank God (the Republican God, not the liberal "Allah," that is), that I, Joseph Lieberman, live in a Democracy where I can vote against this beautiful, heaven-sent tsunami of Republican momentum on things like evil ObamaCare (if it suits me) and still pray for this delicious GOP tidal wave to sweep me up in its frothy wake. Or if all else fails, just become an Independent because I, Joe Lieberman, don't answer to anyone, except Sarah Palin, my wife Hadassah, and the many interest groups who put money in my very deep, always hungry pockets. For America!

No, senator, thank God for you! I mean how else would we, the dumb public, know what a real, live chameleon looks like when trying desperately to survive in the jungle of American politics? Survival of the fittest is alive and well my friends!

Speaking of the evolutionary LIE that is survival of the fittest, creationist and former morbidly obese governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, does not believe that children are puppies. As such, these youngins (which are distinctively different than their canine counterparts), deserve to be with fellow carbon-based, sentient beings like humans, not terrible disgusting blights on humanity like gross gay people.

In the interview, good ol' Huck explained why he supports the Arkansas law barring same-sex couples from adopting or becoming foster parents. "This is not about trying to create statements for people who want to change the basic fundamental definitions of family," Huckabee said. "And always we should act in the best interest of the children, not in the seeming interest of the adults."
"Children are not puppies," he said. "This is not a time to see if we can experiment and find out, how does this work?"
Much better to just keep 'em in the pound orphanage where they feel comfortable (cold, hungry, and alone) than start 'experimenting' with two parents who love and care for them and want to provide them with an actual home and family and other such things that humans have no need for.
"You don't go ahead and accommodate every behavioral pattern that is against the ideal. That would be like saying, well, there are a lot of people who like to use drugs, so let's go ahead and accommodate those who want who use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, so we should accommodate them."
Hell no, we don't! That would also be like saying there are people out there who believe that humans and dinosaurs lived side by side, in perfect harmony, after God crafted Adam from silly putty, before springing Eve from his hearty rib in a moment of artistic expression, so we should accommodate them too. Ha ha imagine that!

Which is why the gays can feel free to adopt and sodomize as many puppies as they'd like but not babies because gays shouldn't be allowed to own those things. Ever.

Speaking of li'l miracles of God, that dumb community organizer who can't even see Russia from his porch and thus doesn't even know what a nuclear weapon is, Barack Obama, managed to get 47 other countries to sign on to his terrible and dangerous, "Don't Give Nukes To Terrorists Pact." Ugh. Why does this guy love Osama bin Laden so much, and why couldn't America have elected someone smart and responsible like Sarah Palin (or even Bristol!) as president of the world instead?

One wink and you betcha! the terrorists would know who's boss.

When not working hard to ensure Virginia remains for straight lovers, not gay sinners, Gov. Bob McDonnell showed his support for all things Southern, by declaring April "Confederate History Month," without even mentioning that little historical hiccup known as slavery.

Ooops. Of course, after Virginians criticized the governor for his innocent omission of the fact that white people owned black people as property, McDonnell quickly apologized for his insensitivity and added language to the decree calling slavery "evil and inhumane."

This makes one fellow GOP Governor of Mississippi, proud former slaveowner and defender against Northern Aggression, Haley Barbour, very upset.

He simply doesn't understand all the brouhaha over something as insignificant as the forced enslavement of an entire people in order to keep cotton costs low. Hello?? Ever heard of savvy business maneuvers? Is this not America, the land of opportunity?

"To me, it's a sort of feeling that it's a nit, that it is not significant, that it's not a — it's trying to make a big deal out of something that doesn't matter for diddly," Barbour told CNN.

Well, maybe for Bo Diddley, but 3/5ths doesn't count much anyway.

In that case, guess Sasha and Malia will have to come up with a more suitable namesake for First Dog "Bo" than the original R&B rock 'n roller. Something to really catch the white power essence of America's heroic struggle against Northern Aggression. How does Barbourian sound?