Newt Gingrich Is Very Sorry For His Climate Change Ad With Nancy Pelosi; Vows To Spend The Next Decade Destroying The Environment To Make Up For It

Pop quiz. What do you do when you're a pathetic, pandering, flailing Republican presidential candidate (a man can dream, can't he?) who in a rare fit of rational thought and courage joined the dark side and appeared in a video with commie leader Nancy Pelosi to urge the country to address the evil liberal lie known as climate change?

Kill yourself? (Please say yes, please say yes!) Reinvent reality to reflect the Grand Old Party's shift from sort-of crazy-but-still-believe-in-science to full-out-Michele-Bachmann-esque-batshit-crazy-who-believe-that-the-unprecedented-levels-of-violent-storms-hurricanes-droughts-famines-tornadoes-wildfires-isn't-from-man's-increased-industrialization-but-because-God-hates-the-homos?

Blame it on the ol' reliable standby, everyone's favorite vast left wing conspirator, the elitist, arugula-eating, no-good, Jew run media?

Oooh, oooh, I've got it! Pull some God-awful, lame-as-your-ridiculous presidential-campaign excuse out of your ass, and hope the voting public are as dumb as you think they are?

Precisely!

Here's Newt's response when asked about the 2008 ad for Al Gore's "We Can Solve It" campaign during an appearance on WGIR radio in New Hampshire:

I was trying to make a point that we shouldn't be afraid to debate the left, even on the environment, but obviously it was misconstrued, and it's probably one of those things I wouldn't do again.

Well duh!

Back in 2008 when he filmed this little badboy, it was still cool for Republicans to talk candidly about climate change and the environment.

Before abolishing the Environment Protection Agency and destroying Earth became a central issue of his "campaign," or sitting on a couch with Nancy Pelosi talking about trees and shit became the political equivalent of, say, coming out of the closet at a press conference and banging everyone of the same gender in the room with the cameras rolling.

Besides, what the hell is an "environment" anyway? Some hippie-dippie, feel-good kumbaya hogwash liberals made up to feel good about themselves?

Truth is, Newt doesn't even believe in climate change. Hell, he doesn't even believe in climate!

He believes in million dollar credit lines at Tiffany's for his beautiful, charming, third (soon-to-be-ex) trophy wife Callista.

Unlike this dumb planet (or Newt's marriages), diamonds are forever.

What Do You Call A Massive Boehner Who Laughs At The Total Collapse Of Our Economy? Speaker Of The House, Of Course!

It's Monday in America, meaning it's a brand new week for the very mature adults in Congress to flitter about like special needs schoolchildren, while our nation teeters towards the brink of catastrophic self-induced collapse.

Hooray!?

Of course, being the mature, weeping, unnaturally orange-tinted Republican House Speaker that he is, John Boehner has naturally decided to stop speaking to anyone and everyone and write his own terrible debt plan instead.

Conversely, boring, normal flesh-colored Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has also decided to stop talking to everyone and opted to craft his very own $2.7 trillion deficit reduction plan, too. So there!

The good news is that both plans do effectively raise the debt limit on or before August 2, avoiding a catastrophic default and turning America into one great big deadbeat dad who refuses to pay child support, so he can watch the game on his new flat screen teevee and drown his sorrows in 40oz of whatever kind of beer it is they package in troughs and sell to poor people wearing wife beaters in the middle of the day.

In fact, the only major difference is whether the debt limit should be raised all the way into 2013, or whether Congress should redo this entire hellish debate again early next year to force Democrats and Republicans to pass entitlement and tax reforms because total dysfunction and the possible financial meltdown of America is one helluva good time! Amiright??

The bad news, however, is that each side is expected to reject the other's plan and we'll continue to be royally fucked, which is pretty much what happens when a bunch of immature asshats are put in positions of power and tasked with handling very important issues.

TPM reports:

Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Reid said Boehner's plan can't pass the Senate and even if it could Obama would veto it.

"The Republicans' short-term plan is a non-starter in the Senate and in the White House," Reid said. Schumer called Reid's plan a fair compromise. "At this point there is no alternative other than default, and no basis for Republicans rejecting the proposal other than that they want a default," Schumer added. 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, Chuck! Don't put words into their mouths! It's not the economy they're desperately trying to gut like a fish and plunge down a filthy, slimy chute into the toilet. It's the president, silly!

What is so hard to understand here, people??

According to Politico:

A day after breathless news reports that a deal was imminent, John Boehner jokingly told his conference that he had reached a sweeping agreement with President Barack Obama to slash trillions of dollars in government spending.

“I’m just kidding,” he added, drawing a laugh from rank-and-file Republicans, according to those in the room.

Oh, hahahahahaha! Since everyone, or at least that one huge Boehner, looooooves jokes so much, here's one: Republicans are NOT going to crash our economy, destroy our credit rating, and cost us trillions in extra interest on the national debt.

Just kidding!

They'll just fire more teachers and tell more old people to go to hell.

Ya know, compromise!

Michele Bachman Has A Secret Fashion Weapon Stashed In Her Closet & His Name Is Marcus Bachmann

Michele Bachmann may have a set of sparkling baby blues to kill for (try it, she dares you!) and a smokin' hot body to boot, but how does Rep. "Crazy Eye Candy" from Minnesota keep herself looking so fabulously fashionable??

Why, the secret styling weapon she keeps stashed inside her walk-in closet, of course!

From a 2006 Tribune article:

Shopping help comes from another quarter, as well. Before Vice President Dick Cheney's visit this past summer, Bachmann's husband, Marcus, hit the stores — "he's got a good sense of style" [she said] — and came home with "a sleek, simple hourglass dress with a yoke collar in winter white." He even bought a matching coat and shoes.

Ooooh, I bet he got Michele a cute li'l number too!

"Since I was a little girl, I either wore my mother's high heels or aspired to wear high heels," Michele explained.

OMG, what a coinkidink, same with Marcus! What are the chances!?

"I grew up in a very male-dominated home with three brothers and a dad who was a real outdoorsman," she said. It was only while attending law school that she became more clothes-conscious. Then came the '90s, "when I was pregnant with one child or another," she said. "I wasn't particularly stylish then."

C'mon Michy! Popping out precious li'l miracles of God every which way is the absolute perfect time for over-sized flannel shirts, faded high-waisted jeans, and MC Hammer pants.

"I dress fairly simply," she said. "I like clean lines. I like solid colors. But I like an outfit to have a little kick." For inspiration, she looks to Audrey Hepburn and Jackie Onassis -- and indeed, the pale pink suit and gloves she wore for President Bush's fundraising visit in August seemed a flashback to Camelot.

That choice was inspired by a girlfriend who owned "a darling pink suit" that she had bought at Herberger's. Bachmann thought it was the special outfit that the event required, "so my girlfriend went to get an identical one at the store's sidewalk sale," she said. "For $39!"

God that Marcus really is a lifesaver!

But it wasn't until her election to the Minnesota State Senate that the 5-foot-1 Bachmann felt compelled to "take a little more care with how I looked."

"I have a very lean wardrobe," she said. "I get hand-me-downs from my mother, who also does a lot of garage-saling. On occasion, I'll go to Nordstrom's Petites and get something for full price, but only if I think I'll get four or five years' wear out of it."

By then Marcus is more than happy to take if off her hands. He's such a good girlfriend, wife, husband!

WWJD? Probably Anything But Ask Rick Perry & His Crazy People Revival For Help!

Read My Lips. No New Texans!

It is no secret that God has been keeping all the rain to himself (mastery of the universe sure makes a deity thirsty!) and shooting fire and brimstone at the morality-crazed wingnuts in the American South like some wild, hormone-crazed, undersexed teenager furiously firing BB pellets at empty beer cans in the backyard.

This, of course, has left wingnuts a little confused. Particularly, Republican governor wingnuts, whose idea of showing leadership in times of crisis usually consists of getting down on both knees to suck corporate Koch for money humbly turn to the Lord Almighty Jesus Christ to solve all their awful Earthly woes.

Like current preacher-in-chief and possible commander-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who already successfully quenched the parched landscape and burning bushes of Texas by praying to the Big Man upstairs to make it rain, while simultaneously praying to the Big Bad gubmint to make it rain dolla dolla bills like Pacman Jones at a strip club.

I mean, what else should the elected leader of a state do to stem the raging wildfires and endless drought plaguing the state? Admit global warming is a real, serious threat that humans have the power to make better or worse? Start actually adhering to the Environmental Protection Agency's regulations of planet-warming emissions like some elitist science-loving pussy?

Aww, hell no! Not over his burnt, sweating hands! Why, it would be un-American! And certainly, un-Texas like!

C'mon, he's not an idiot! He'll do what any responsible individual facing unprecedented challenges from both nature and culture (gay people), and hold a modern-day tent revival called "The Response," inviting Christians to pray for solutions to all of America's problems. Like say black Godless Socialists in the White House...

Hooray!

Slated for August 6th (day of reckoning?), Rick Perry's historic all-day Pray-n-Fast will take place in Houston and be "a non-denominational, apolitical Christian prayer meeting" where "people of all ages, races, backgrounds and Christian denominations will be in attendance to proclaim Jesus as Savior and pray for America."

So come on down to Reliant Stadium, but make sure to leave your Muslim prayer rugs and Jewish stars at home because this Prayerpalooza is all inclusive, so long as you have Jesus Christ in your heart and a glock 19mm in your hand.

From The Response website:

"We believe that America is in a state of crisis. Not just politically, financially or morally, but because we are a nation that has not honored God in our successes or humbly called on Him in our struggles. According to the Bible, the answer to a nation in such crisis is to gather in humility and repentance and ask God to intervene."

Since the actual elected leaders apparently don't know how to solve shit.

Yes, it is high time to turn to a "greater power," and by greater power we don't mean the governor, just someone who has some authority or perhaps even a single good idea to help people out of catastrophe, which unless it involves shooting coyotes with laser-sighted pistols, is clearly not Rick Perry.

Hate to say it, but ever consider He's just not that into you??

Besides, severe drought and raging wildfires are one thing. But asking the good people of Texas to abstain from stuffing their mouths for one whole day?

That would take a miracle!

Oy Vey! Like Everything Else, Michele Bachmann Works Up The Nerve To Say "Chutzpah" In The Most Idiotic Way Possible

Michele Meshugana Bachmann went on her favoritest Fox News for the third time in one week not to talk about her homosexual husband's tendency to listen to struggling men talk about their terrible same-sex attractions all day long (for Jesus!) and also to once again remind the world why anyone too dumb and crazy to complete a coherent thought should probably never be in charge of anything, let alone the actual United States of America.

But instead of just giving her predictably asinine thoughts about how defaulting on our debt will do nothing to hurt U.S. credit ratings because "we have the money to pay it" (psst: even if we don't really pay it) and Jesus said we're too big to fail, Michele decided to go ahead and offend Yiddish-speaking bubbies across this great nation.

Oy Vey!

"It more fashionable for the president to scare people and say the sky is about to fall, we're gonna lose our credit rating. No we won't, we have plenty of money to pay it, just pay it, take that issue off the table..."

Yes, ma'am!

"Here's the big issue. The president doesn’t want to have to be confronted with priorities in spending, because he has a lot of chutzpah."

Except she pronounces "chutzpah" "shoot-spa" because apparently Michele has only ever heard of Jews, she has never actually heard Jews (they probably aren't allowed in MN-06!).

Besides, "Shoot-spa" is what Michele calls the rifle range. Ya know, the place that normal, decent, non-Jewish Americans go to relieve stress from cartoonishly closeted hubbies flitting about every which way, or making humiliating mispronunciation gaffes of Jewish-y words on national teevee. National Jew-run teevee!

Oh well. It's like they always say, better goy than gay!

Wonder how she pronounces, "My husband is a "faygala?"

Some Things Never Change: Like Eric Cantor Being A Smug, Greedy, Li'l Bastard Everybody Hates

And the winner of the screw you, sniveling weasel, economy be damned, willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead, shameless, narcissistic, prick award goes to....

"I want what I want when I want it." 

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's high school yearbook quote.

Apparently, Eric Ivan Cantor wanted the same thing he wants now: to whine incessantly and ruin everything for everyone. Which is probably what helped make him as popular then as he is now!

Hmmm. All that smug entitlement and childlike petulance reminds me of someone else...

"But Daddy I want an Oompa Loompa now!" — Veruca Salt

Gooses, geeses, I want a goose that lays golden eggs for Easter. What a coincidence! Just like Eric.

Losers, Geezers, I want a douche who lays goose eggs for Speaker.

Guess everyone gets what they want.

Well, except an economy!

Crazy, Closeted, RV-Driving Wingnut Can't Help Being A Racist, Homophobic Lunatic, He Was Born That Way!

Ah yes, here it is, the old rusted-out camper, America's most trusted journalist to warn us all about the evil (gay?) that lurks in the hearts of men. More specifically, Teabagging men who loudly & proudly align themselves with a group named after the hilarious, super-straight act of dipping one man's testicles in the mouth and/or face of another similarly hetero man. For freedom. Hooray!

And in case you were wondering exactly what a Teabagger stream-of-consciousness craziness looks like, look no further than their favorite mobile medium of personal expression, the creepy pedovan, aka a rusty, broken down 1970-something RV.

There, you will find all the scintillating brilliance and sophisticated wisdom of a man, so steeped in divinity and the true path of the righteous, he uses two L's when concocting (haha, cock!) his REVELATION admonishing the world, "ITS SINFULL TO VOTE FOR FAG POLITICIANS."

But that's not it! Heavens to Betsy no! Not when QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST OBAMA BOWS DOWN TO SATAN WORLDWIDE BECAUSE HE WORSHIPS THEIR REAR END!

Forget T.S. Eliot (queer!), this is the new, improved, wingnut recreational vehicle-driving poet TEA S. Eliot!

And what is more proof of your straight-as-an-arrow sexuality than flat-out refusing to even bother with those three flaming drama queens: spelling, grammar, and punctuation!?

Less obvious is, of course, why he even bothers calling the his scripture-mobile "REVELATION" when every wingnut worth his weight in McRibs already knows about all these things!?

Jesus told them when he was teaching them how to ride dinosaurs in the Olive Garden of Eden!

This guy is so full of wonderful facts and useful li'l pearls of wisdom that it's almost impossible picking his finest verse.

"QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST, OBAMA HATES AMERICAN SOLDIERS GUTS, SO HE MAKES THEM QUEERS SO THEY WILL BE NOTORIOUS, AND HATED, INSTEAD FAMOUS AND LIKED. PLAYING EVERYONE FOR A SUCKER WHICH IS ALL HE DOES."

**Sigh.** Einstein lives among us!

Truer words have never been spoken, err, except maybe this next passage:

"QUEER (SATAN) OBAMA, QUEERS EVERYTHING IN AMERICA, HE EVEN QUEERS THE ARMY. QUEER OBAMA WANTS SOLDIERS TO WEAR PINK UNIFORMS, NYLON STOCKINGS, AND HIGH HEELS, IT TURNS HIM ON."

Clearly, TEA S. Eliot is very familiar with this sort of thing, which isn't too surprising since everyone knows practice makes perfect!

Unless, someone with a lot of experience on the subject told him instead.

Couldn't be Sarah Palin, since she already quit her bus tour to go relax and club salmon to death on the bottom of a carcass-filled rowboat.

Which could only mean one more shining example that Marcus Bachmann's pray-the-gay-away conversion therapy works wonders!

From fruit to nut in the time it takes to decorate an old, broken down homo van with misspelled banners for crazy people.

Michele Bachmann Signs "Marriage Pledge" To Stay Away From Porn, Gays & Revert To The Good Ol' Days Of Slavery

Aspiring Insane-Person-in-Chief and tragic illiteracy victim Michele Bachmann will not sign dumb, 1000+ page bills helping stupid poor people (or pesky sick kids) get health care, mostly because she's too busy channeling her lovely kindred spirit serial killing clown John Wayne Gacy and also because anything over three pages double spaced 16-point font makes her very uncomfortable. Like gay people uncomfortable!

What she will do, however, is sign one of those ridiculous pledge things, like say one called "The Marriage Vow," where she promises to never make sinful sexytime with her husband (haha like he has "straight people" sex anyway!), defend the sacred union of one miserable man to one miserable woman like Jesus intended, hate Islam, and pop out as many precious li'l miracles of God as a porn-less, loveless marriage with a closet case will allow.

Unfortunately, like most things Michele Bachmann is involved with, but has no idea what the hell she is doing or saying, this particular Marriage Vow pledge was also slightly problematic, probably because the very first point of the pledge makes some terribly racist statement about how it was better to be born a black child of slaves than a black child under Barack Obama.

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President,” is the first bullet point on the vow's preamble.

Nothin' wrong there, amiright?

Oh, what, like that's a big deal!

See the thing is all the distasteful, awful stuff about the advantages of slavery for black youth was only in the preamble, which apparently doesn't count as part of the actual document, because like, c'mon, who actually reads those silly things anyway?

Certainly not Michele Bachmann!

In her nutty world, "We the people...have no use for preambles."

From Politico:

A Bachmann spokeswoman said earlier Saturday that reports the congresswoman had signed a vow that contained the slavery language was wrong, noting it was not in the “vow” portion.
“She signed the ‘candidate vow,’ ” campaign spokeswoman Alice Stewart said, and distanced Bachmann from the preamble language, saying, “In no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.”

But not quite as horrible as aligning yourself with a faux "family values" wingnut hate group that spells its name “FAMiLY LEADER.” Or for that matter, as horrible as being someone who is so against gay marriage, she ended up in one!

Either way, Michele Bachmann is officially the first presidential candidate (if we can even call her that) to sign this dumb thing, created by The Family Leader and it’s Chief Executive Officer of Ridiculous-Sounding Names, Bob Vander Plaats.

Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse, the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, opposition to any redefinition of marriage, and prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law.
The Marriage Vow also outlines support for the legal advocacy for the federal Defense of Marriage Act, humane efforts to protect women and children, rejection of Sharia Islam, safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. military service members, and commitment to downsizing government and the burden upon American families.
In addition, candidates are asked to recognize that “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

Okay ladies, toss off those burqas, throw away your Korans, and start popping out all the babies you can fit inside you, for America.

And then elect Michele Bachmann for president of the UNiTED STATES of America Jesus so she can take this country back from whoever ran away with it.

A literate, charming black man whose fine chocolate ass a certain M. Bachmann cannot stop obsessing over every waking hour of every day.

No, no not Michele, silly! Heavens forbid! We're talking about her husband, Marcus of course!

Mississippi: Where Magnolias, Mud Pie, & Morbid Obesity Mingle

Grab a twinkie and fire up the deep fryer, America!

For all the talk about how the U.S. is declining in this, or sagging in that, or losing its competitive edge to some increasingly industrial, infuriatingly industrious, overpopulated country in Asia, you can bet your bottom badonkadonk dollar the mighty red, white 'n blue still ranks at the top of the lard heap in at least one thing: morbid obesity.

Take that Michelle Obama!

And much like the civil war, sky-high illiteracy rates, falling graduation rates, rising unemployment rates, declining standards of living, rampant discrimination, constitutional bans on gay marriage, and widespread inequality, the nation once again has the South to thank.

Woohoo!

According to a new public health report by the Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the number of obese U.S. adults rose in 16 states in the last year, helping push obesity rates in a dozen states above 30 percent and one-fifth of the adult population precariously close to Double Down Kentucky Fried Death.

Taking the cake mud pie is none other than Mississippi, whose adult obesity rate of 34.4 percent is more than enough to secure it a top spot as the fattest state in the union. On the other end of the spectrum is naturally hippie dippie Colorado, whose skinny li'l hemp wearing populace is too busy eating granola (or is it being granola?) and skiing down mountains to join the 49 other United States of Clogged Arteries, all with adult obesity rates above 20 percent.

Still, that's a lot of fat people! But even scarier than a bunch of sweaty, obese people squeezing into tank tops and speedos is how the numbers are rising (almost as fast as their cholesterol and/or insurance rates!).

"Today, the state with the lowest adult obesity rate would have had the highest rate in 1995," said Jeff Levi, executive director of the Trust for America's Health.

Chew on that, people! But please for the love of God, stop swallowing.

"If we're going to reverse the obesity trends, willpower alone won't do it. We're going to have to make healthier choices easier for Americans," Levi said.

Ummm, put down the fork?? To binge or not to binge, that is the question.

Oh, and there's also this.

Over the past 15 years, seven states have doubled their rate of obesity and 10 states have doubled their rate of diabetes.

And all 50 states have doubled their meat patty:cheese ratio, which may or not be relevant, but hey who's counting?

Since 1995, obesity rates have risen fastest in Oklahoma, Alabama and Tennessee, while Colorado, Connecticut and Washington, D.C., had the slowest increases.

Must be from all that elitist arugula.

Adults from racial and ethnic minority groups, as well as those with less education and lower incomes, continue to have the highest overall obesity rates.

Although, on the bright side, they'll probably soon all die of a massive heart attack anyway, so at least Medicare costs will go down. If not, a nice triple thick chocolate shake from McD's should do the trick!

Plus, if you think about it, all that fat is a prime source of rich untapped domestic energy, which if extracted and converted properly, could probably fuel this great nation for generations to come.

Who needs British Petroleum when you've got American Lard Ass?

Welcome to a new greasy utopia of energy independence...From freedom fries to freedom!

WANTED: 

For Theft Of Hot Bodies

A Composite Sketch of the Suspect Provided by Mississippi State Police

Fox News Celebrates The Birth Of America By Tweeting The Death Of Obama

Howdy, America! While you were temporarily freed from the shackles of your office cubicle in order to patriotically guzzle beer, shove burgers into your mouth, and light sparkly red, white, and blue trinkets that explode in the sky in celebration of our nation's Independence from elitist accents, crumpets, bad teeth the British, Fox News was busy reminding us all why their network is the most freedom-loving, fair & balanced, trusted name in news by falsely tweeting that President Obama was assassinated.

Oh wait, turns out much like Anthony Weiner's weiner, they too can't say with "certitude" if the obscene Tweets in question were in fact their own, or the fiendish work of some devilish hackers who coincidentally decided to declare war on the tyranny of Fox News JURNLIZM on the very day our forefathers declared war on the tyranny of the British colonial rule some 235 years ago by announcing the (hilarious?) death of our 44th president.

Which is sort of a creepy joke to make, huh? But how did everyone know these Tweets (aka Fox News' wet dreams in 140 characters) were indeed faker than Glenn Beck's gold coins?

Certainly, they were consistent with Fox News' policy of reporting nothing but the non-truth, the whole non-truth, and nothing but the non-truth, so help them God!

After all, Obama wasn't in Iowa as the posts said, NOR IS HE DEAD.

A group, vaguely aligned with Anonymous and calling itself the Script Kiddies, (for those who don't live in their parent's basements writing code, "script kiddies" is a pejorative term for wannabe hackers) claimed responsibility for hacking the Fox News Twitter account, saying the group was formed to take part in the anti-security industry movement "antisec."

As to why the group chose Fox News:

"We are looking to find information about corporations to assist with antisec," said the Script Kiddies representative. "Fox News was selected because we figured their security would be just as much of a joke as their reporting,"

Ooops! Guess they shouldn't have used 'NOBAMA DIE' as their password. Gosh, didn't Sarah Palin teach them anything???

Naturally, Fox News did everything it could to stop this vicious rumor from further spreading, except of course take down the Tweets in question, either because they don't know how, or it's just nice to dream sometimes, and vowed to investigate the incident.

“Hackers sent out several malicious and false Tweets claiming that President Obama had been assassinated. Those reports are incorrect, of course, and the president is spending the July 4 holiday with his family. The hacking is being investigated, and FoxNews.com regrets any distress the false Tweets may have created.”

Yes, Fox regrets any distress caused by the President continuing to be alive. Apologies to everybody. What they do not regret however is the resulting gazillion clicks on their website, likely from the grief-stricken joyous Fox News viewers desperately seeking that elusive certificate of live birth death.

Ya know, for certitude.

Tea Party Leader Takes Pro-Bullying Stance Towards Gay Teens Because He Loves Freedom...The Freedom To Hate Anyone Not Straight, White, & Deeply In Denial

In these contentious times, there are only so many uncontroversial statements a person can make that pretty much everyone can agree with, like say, "cancer is a terrible disease" or "kicking defenseless puppies in the face is wrong" or "the abuse of children is a terrible thing."

Umm, wait, except that last one, if you're evil, bigoted homophobe (aka secret closet case) Tea Party Nation leader Rich Swier who names his terrible, hate-filled group after a hot, soothing, wildly popular beverage traditionally enjoyed in small, dainty cups by dapper gentleman in foreign places like Socialist Europe (gasp!).

Because, if so, then the relentless, cruel bullying and teasing teenagers inflict and endure, also known as "peer pressure" is a wonderful thing, the kind of thing that helps keeps kids in line, specifically from acting all gross and gay-like.

Sure, "peer pressure" might be responsible for your teenage boy or girl abusing drugs and alcohol, smoking cigarettes, getting drunk and/or pregnant in the backseat of Papa's pickup, graffiting the highway, egging the neighbor's house, planking off the edge of a creaky, unstable bridge 100 ft up, or making the same wardrobe choices as the homeless man hanging out at the local liquor store. 

But, on the bright side, "peer pressure" is also responsible for your sissy kid getting his ass kicked by the entire football team every day at school, which at the very least, should make him think twice about feeling so comfortable in his own awful gay skin.

Just look at what Tea Party Nation and STRAIGHT-AS-AN-ARROW AS-A-MAN-OBSESSED-WITH-GAY-SEX Rich Swier sent to Tea Party Nation members, via RightWingWatch:

This is not bullying. It is peer pressure and is healthy. There are many bad behaviors such as smoking, under age drinking and drug abuse that are behaviors that cannot be condoned. Homosexuality falls into this category. Homosexuality is simply bad behavior that youth see as such and rightly pressure their peers to stop it. In Sarasota County over 70% of all HIV/AIDS cases are due to male sex with males.
I agree with Gulf Coast Gives that “LGBT youth are up to five times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts.” Homosexuality, like drugs, harms young people if they experement [sic] with it. That is the greatest tragedy.

Almost as tragic as when (3, 2, 1, now?) this same vile, hate-spewing, teenage sexuality-obsessed grown man gets peer pressured caught hiring his own secret luggage handling rent-boy or with his pants around his ankles in a signature wide stance soliciting (gay) sex from undercover policemen in airport men's rooms.

Oh wait, he's a Teabagger, right? Did I say tragic? I meant typical.

Besides, speaking of tragedies, your child coming out as gay isn't so bad. Sure as hell beats coming out as a Teabagger.

Talk about tragic!

New York Says I Do To Gay Marriage, While Republicans Say I Don't To Any & All Rational Thought

OMG, people, GAY is now officially legal in New York!

They're here, they're queer, and they're coming to a gift registry near you!

Now that New York has reclaimed the mantle of progress and equality from it's once-hip, now tragically Mormon, Prop 8 populated friend, California, and become the sixth state to give those pesky gays the right to get married and become as miserable and lame as their heterosexual counterparts, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Should we be happy that freedom, liberty, equal protection under the law, and all the good stuff we looooove saying about America is finally, at least sort of true, instead of just some empty, meaningless, RAH RAH slogan that makes us feel good about ourselves?

Or is it really true what the Republicans have said during culture wars past?

That the biggest threat to America are nice gay and lesbian couples who already live together and share a bank account who would also like to be able to visit each other in the hospital and file joint tax returns and enjoy all the rest of the 1,400 plus rights and privileges afforded to normal, decent opposite sex married couples by destroying the sacred union of one Brittney Spears + one backup dancer + one Elvis impersonator in holy matrimony at the 24-hour Chapel 'O Love on the Vegas strip.

Not to mention all the other terrible things that are going to happen, thanks to "gay marriage," like all of New York's impressionable young children turning gay (wait, or is it artsy?) and everyone getting gay divorced, like the rest of the sacred, morally pure, Jesus approved, blessed unions with the proper penis-to-vagina ratios.

Amiright? Who's with me? Where my Republicans at?

Oh, looky here, it's America's #1 marriage sanctity expert, thrice-divorced white-haired wonder Newt Gingrich, giving his righteous opinion on proper marriage etiquette like the right way to leave your cancer-stricken wife for a much younger, much hotter, trophy wife you can parade around, not tend to while they lay dying in a hospital bed. Boring!

But, seriously, couldn't they just leave well enough alone?

“In our state, we’re going to continue to pursue civil unions,” first-term Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said. “I am not a fan of same-sex marriage. It’s not something that I support.”

“I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. I wouldn’t sign a bill like the one that was in New York.”

Unless, he added, it was thick sliced, piled high on warm, fresh baked artisan bread, smothered in cheese, slathered in mayonnaise, preferably chipotle spiced, and wrapped in hearty, thick-cut bacon, like the good Lord intended

Then maybe we could make an exception.

Besides, if all gross gays were allowed to get gross gay married wherever they so pleased, who knows what would happen next?

Michele Bachmann might never have been born because her mommy and daddy were too busy getting their same-sex on with the maid and gardener, respectively.

And then she would never have been popping babies out like a human pez dispenser, and adopting foster children the way you and I buy bulk paper towels at Costco.

Then maybe she could remember all the different voices in her head, so the next time she is asked about the gays getting married, she'll remember the correct answer is not that states can legalize gay marriage if they want to. Bad Michele Voice #2, Bad! But rather that America needs one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele with innocent questions in restrooms, or whatever it is they do.

But nooooooooo. Thanks to the pesky gays getting all gay marriagey, Michele Bachmann is forced to kick off her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, because of its geographic significance or just because she's an idiot.

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Unfortunately that spirit is less the "beloved movie star" John Wayne and more the "killer homosexual clown who raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 1970s," John Wayne Gacy.

Ah yes, fuck gay rights! The holy matrimony of infidelity, gluttony, and batshit insanity is a beautiful thing.

Unlike stupid, gross equality. That's just gay.

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round & Round, Except In Sarah Palin's Case When They Get Dizzy & Quit

While the world was busy pouring over silly, trivial summer news stories like illegal wars in Libya, the Grand Old Party's Grand Old War on poor people, and esteemed members of Congress tweeting fuzzy pics of their own esteemed members, the rest of us were breathlessly waiting for real, important news stories about Sarah Palin getting back on her ridiculous Constitution-covered bus and driving through more states on some dumb RV road trip, grifter tour through the Lower 48, faux presidential campaign extravaganza.

Until, like so many of our fellow patriots with bills to pay but no job by which to pay them, our hopes and dreams were abruptly shattered in one fell swoop: Sarah Palin's wild bus ride adventures talking to old white people is no more!

Oh, the humanity!

Like every other task she starts, minus birthing precious li'l miracles of God, former half-term governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin decided to up and quit halfway through her bus ride for freedom, too.

WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN THIS COMING??

Ummm, anyone with a brain probably.

RealClearPolitics reports:

Though Palin and her staff never announced a timeline for the remaining legs of her trip, aides had drafted preliminary itineraries that would have taken her through the Midwest and Southeast at some point this month. But those travel blueprints are now in limbo, RCP has learned, as Palin and her family have reverted to the friendly confines of summertime Alaska, where the skies are currently alight for over 19 hours a day and the Bristol Bay salmon fishing season is nearing its peak.

As Palin enjoys her sojourn to the 49th state, she has not reconnected with key early-state figures like Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad and South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, and she may have jeopardized whatever political momentum she gained from her recent reemergence in the 2012 discussion. Her political action committee's website still greets visitors with a stale banner, announcing the nationwide bus tour beginning "[t]his Sunday, May 29th."

More than a few of Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused about her strategy, venting their frustration on Internet fan sites.

Wait, what? "Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused?" Hahaha, that doesn't even make sense! Everyone knows they've never grown anything except maybe their waistlines, and have always been, currently are, and will forever be confused. It's pretty much a requirement.

As you'd expect America's most distinguished quitter Sarah Louis Palin is, of course, furious that the awful lamestream media simply assumed she quit her bus tour (because it's pretty much what she always does) and took to her favoritest Facebook to speak her mind.

"Imagine our surprise when reading media reports today that the “One Nation Tour” has been cancelled. Why didn’t anyone tell me? Oh, wait, that’s because it hasn’t been cancelled. (Good ol' media... you never cease to amaze!)"

Seriously, when will you media people learn that stopping her "Half Nation" bus tour and returning to Alaska does not mean "quitting." It means, snowbilly grifters get tired and stressed and need to take a vacation from their vacations sometimes.
Besides, if you nosy bastards must know, Palin was called home for "jury duty," which is Alaskan for salmon fishing and getting laid.

"As I said myself at the end of the east coast leg of the tour, the summer is long, and I’m looking forward to hitting the open road again. The coming weeks are tight because civic duty calls (like most everyone else, even former governors get called up for jury duty) and I look forward to doing my part just like every other Alaskan."

"I wouldn’t think it to be such a slow news day that, what with numerous wars and serious economic woes concerning Americans, a bus is driving news stories today. The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes. In the meantime, no one should jump to conclusions – certainly not the media with their long track record of getting things wrong or just making things up."

That's Sarah's job!

Wait, don't call it a job. If she knew being a talentless, scheming ne'er-do-well who steals attention from hard-working, struggling Americans was in itself a full-time job, she'd just quit that too.

President Barack Obama Becomes The Newest Politician To Tweet His Private Thoughts, Hopefully Not His Private Parts

Barack Obama, aka Barry from the block (Pennsylvania Ave, what what!) finally got around to installing the Twitter application on his Blackberry, probably now that the rest of the dorks in Congress have taken a collective, much needed break from incessantly tweeting fuzzy pics of their genitalia and other wonderful congressional delights in 140 characters or less.

Which, sadly, means the world may never know what kind of booze John Boehner prefers (whatever you got) or which gas-guzzling, environment-destroying, ridiculously dumb lawn mower contraption Chuck Grassley rides when not passing terrible laws or fighting for corporations' rights to fleece poor schlubs like me, you, and anyone else without endless hours of free time or acres of Iowa cornfields to pretend to mow, poorly.

But, noooooooooooooo!

Instead, we're stuck with the world's lamest Twitterer, BO tweeting about how "Being President is not as hard as being a father" instead of sending fun, exciting pictures of his package nestled cozily in its resting place below his golf shorts where a presidential penis ought to be.

So thank you "Body Odor" for letting everyone know that being a parent is harder than being a president. Turns out, it's also more rewarding! Probably because when he tells Sasha and Malia what's going on, he doesn't also have to explain basic math, grammar, economics, history, science, geography, and the basic laws of the universe every single damn time, over and over again, as though it were the first time they've ever heard of anything, other than Socialism and Fox News.

Because being president is like dealing with millions of kids in diapers except substitute kids in diapers for old, racist white people with Alzheimer's.

So, umm, mind if we take that terrible job leading the Earth, then?

But before we're too hard, let's not forget that BO is new to this whole type 140 characters onto a keypad and press enter thing. He doesn't yet understand the point of Twitter isn't to share random, profanity-free thoughts about your current employment situation, inform people on upcoming campaign events, offer ways to improve the economy, or anything boring and substantive like that.

Tsk, tsk! Dumb rookie!

Obama will just have to learn to stick to tweeting rambling, incoherent, often inflammatory gibberish he simply invented, or better yet, pulled out of his ass that the lamestream media can then endlessly obsess over and gleefully call "breaking news stories." Or just call Sarah Palin for help, because you betcha she is already very good at the whole spewing nonsense stuff.

Or if you're really desperate (like John McCain/Newt Gingrich desperate), just snap a pic or two of the biggest Boehner and/or Weiner you can find, which will likely be sobbing like a schoolgirl on the nearest golf course, and local rehab facility, respectively.

Sounds Fishy: Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann Nearly Eaten By Lesbians In 2005

Now that Michele Bachmann has officially tossed her hat into the presidential ring as the latest, greatest Republican to humiliate themselves on national teevee, make Mitt Romney look electable, get crushed by Obama in the general elections, America can rest easy knowing that the good Lord Jesus Christ will guide His chosen candidate, everyone's favorite Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann, to certain victory.

He's done it before! C'mon, how the hell else do you think some certifiably crazy lady from the middle of frozen nowhere could actually get elected to anything, except maybe the local psych ward, let alone the freakin' U.S. Congress, without a little help from above?

Of course, it doesn't hurt that among Michele Bachmann's many special talents is the uncanny ability to transform innocent Q&A sessions with constituents into her own personal traumatizing 9/11 terrorist attack.

Like back in 2005, when Bachmann was running for state senate and met with voters to discuss various issues, including her staunch opposition to gross gays doing gross things like getting gross gay married. After the talk, a lesbian couple who happened to be attendance "wanted to discuss certain issues further" (as many constituents do), which in Michele Bachmann's deranged mind sounded more like "attack of the killer lesbian zombie robot from outer space." So Michy did what every politician does when a voter asks a simple question, and ran for her life, shrieking at the top of her lungs.

The Daily Beast reports:

A few dozen people showed up at the town hall for the April 9 event, and Bachmann greeted them warmly. But when, during the question and answer session, the topic turned to gay marriage, Bachmann ended the meeting 20 minutes early and rushed to the bathroom. Hoping to speak to her, [Pamela] Arnold and another middle-aged woman, a former nun, followed her.

As Bachmann washed her hands and Arnold looked on, the ex-nun tried to talk to her about theology. Suddenly, after less than a minute, Bachmann let out a shriek. “Help!” she screamed. “Help! I’m being held against my will!”

Pamela Arnold, who is just over 5 feet tall, was stunned, and hurried to open the door. Bachmann bolted out and fled, crying, to an SUV outside. Then she called the police, saying, according to the police report, that she was “absolutely terrified and has never been that terrorized before as she had no idea what those two women were going to do to her.”

The Washington County attorney, however, declined to press charges, writing in a memo, “It seems clear from the statements given by both women that they simply wanted to discuss certain issues further with Ms. Bachmann.”

Well that's exactly it! It's not the terrible gays she has a problem with, its unscripted questions she's violently afraid of.

"What an amazing imagination," marveled Pamela Arnold. "Her ideology is so powerful that she can construct a reality just on a moment's notice."

Only when she forgets to take her medicine, my friend, only when she forgets to take her medicine.

Some people call it crazy, but these days, you can just call it Republican!

Wet Hot American Summer: The Lord Of The (Right-Wing) Flies

Is your child's summer camp a bit too...umm shall we say, foreign? Are their cabin mates a tad diverse, counselors a bit too Kenyan for your liking?

Well, fear not, fellow patriots! Because the Tampa Liberty School, a 5-day summer camp designed to
to scrub the political correctness out of children’s tender, pre-liberal brainwashed minds, is still available for sign up!

There, li'l freedom fighters ages 8-12 can learn important lessons about the dangers of Socialism, the value of Freedom, and why America should ditch that worthless paper currency and return to the Gold Standard of Glenn Beck's pyrite toy coins.

Unlike your standard public school (with their boring, fact-based textbooks & liberal bias called truth), the Tampa Liberty School will use "fun, hands-on activities to promote principles like 'America is good,' 'I believe in God,' 'I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to because Government cannot force me to be charitable,'" and all the other delightful tenants our Founding Fathers enshrined in the Constitution Ayn Rand enshrined in Atlas Shrugged.

Oh and don't worry because the lessons are designed for a third grade level learning, which ironically, is about the same level of understanding of American history possessed by so many of our beloved Tea Party patriots.

The St. Petersburg Times reports:

One example at Liberty: Children will win hard, wrapped candies to use as currency for a store, symbolizing the gold standard. On the second day, the “banker” will issue paper money instead. Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less, while the candies retain their value.

“Some of the kids will fall for it,” Lukens said. “Others kids will wise up.”

And then they will kindly get tossed out of the nearest window because at Liberty Camp intelligence is just a fancy shmancy elitist word for terrorism.

Another example: Starting in an austere room where they are made to sit quietly, symbolizing Europe, the children will pass through an obstacle course to arrive at a brightly decorated party room (the New World).

Red-white-and-blue confetti will be thrown. But afterward the kids will have to clean up the confetti, learning that with freedom comes responsibility.

Still another example: Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism. They are to count how many bubbles they pop. Then they will work with individual bottles of solution and pop their own bubbles.

Oooh, sounds fun! Except when the "smart" kids start using their delicious hard, wrapped candies to pay the "other" kids to clean up the confetti like them chocolate-skinned illegal border jumpers from Mexicanland.

We can only assume the black kids will be symbolically shackled with chains made out of paper clips and rubber bands, while the white boys, armed with BB guns, "sell" them for even more pieces of hard, wrapped candy. The white girls, naturally, will be in the cafeteria where they belong, making the boys' PB&J sandwiches, while the Asians, Indians, and Muslims are forced to march, single file, outside where they will proceed to build all swing sets, sandboxes, slides and other playground equipment their terrible. gross skin color prohibits them from enjoying themselves.

Ha ha, just kidding! Minorities aren't allowed at Liberty Camp, silly!

Anthony Weiner (& His Weiner) Head To Rehab To Learn How To Have A Proper Sex Scandal...The Kind That Involves Actually Getting Laid

So now that Anthony Weiner and his rock hard weiner abs have been turning up every which way in the never-ending dick joke that is now his life, the once-promising, loudmouth, star New York congressman has decided to do what every other shamed (Democratic) politician does when caught doing weird, naughty things: cries like a baby and goes to "rehab."

So condolences to CNN, MSNBC, CBS, PBS, ABC, and most of all, Fox News, whose days of providing cocksure liberal Anthony Weiner the perfect forum on which to hear his own terribly annoying voice, has been cut short, thanks to the terrible disease known as Twitter banging random womenfolk with sexytime pics of his luscious manscape.

And now, like Tiger Woods before him, Anthony Weiner is off to the crazy house, for treatment on how to avoid publicly humiliating yourself by sending pics of your peen en masse to unsuspecting women on the internets. Then maybe everyone will forget that his sordid sex scandal didn't even involve actual sex (sordid or otherwise) but rather just a bunch of tasteless photos of a shirtless Weiner grabbing his own weiner before most likely rubbing one out in the congressional gym shower.

And hopefully this scandal too will fizzle out, fall off the top of Google News, and return to its final resting place in the subconscious minds of the public as a constant reminder that all politicians are in fact lying scumbags who could maybe get something done if they didn't spend all their time admiring the stimulus package tucked beneath their pleated Dockers through a steamy, fogged up mirror.

It doesn't help that everybody who's anybody wants Weiner to quit and go away already, with Nancy Pelosi saying very stern, Grandma-ish things about how he should seek mental help “without the pressures of being a member of Congress.”

Oh please, like being insane ever stopped anyone from being in Congress!

Even President Obama got into the mix, saying, "I can tell you that, if it was me, I would resign."

Ummm, yeah Obama, because that would ever be you. Besides, everyone knows if it was you sending cock shots to teenagers on Twitter, you'd be less worried about your job and more concerned with getting your skinny ass into the Witness Protection Program before Michelle finds out and goes all Lorena Bobbitt on you.

In the meantime, Weiner hasn't resigned but is instead seeking some kind of "treatment" at an undisclosed treatment center somewhere in America, perhaps using a discount coupon from the new adult sexting startup: GropeOn.

As of now, House Democrats get to keep their Weiner, Republicans still have their Boehner, and Anthony Weiner accomplished his life-long goal of introducing the nation to its newest (and cockiest!) congressional member.

And from what we hear, he's a lot like his daddy: a real prick!

Newtiny On The Campaign Trail! Diamonds May Be Forever, But Newt Gingrich's Campaign Staff Sure As Hell Isn't

Oh no-zees! The Republicans' Great White Hope and leading intellectual of the intellectually bankrupt Grand Old Party of terrible ideas, Newt Gingrich is sure having a rough go at this whole "running for president" thing.

Oh, you forgot Newt Gingrich was running for President?? Haha, don't feel too bad, so did everybody else, including Newt's campaign manager and a half-dozen senior advisers.

It's true! Turns out, Newt's entire campaign staff decided it was high time to hook up with someone who has more than a snowball's chance in hell of actually getting the GOP nomination or, for that matter, a spot anywhere on the ticket.

And Lord knows, the thrice-divorced, gaffe-prone, glitter-covered Tiffany spokesman, Newton Leroy Gingrich is never going to be the nominee for president or vice-president of anything except maybe Hair Club for Men® who leave their cancer-stricken wives in hospital beds for a younger, hotter, hopefully healthier trophy wife.

The New York Times reports:

Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager and a half-dozen senior advisers resigned on Thursday, two aides said, dealing a significant setback to his bid to seek the Republican presidential nomination and severely complicating his plan to make a political comeback.

The campaign manager, Rob Johnson, along with advisers in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, joined together to step down after a period of deep internal disagreements about the direction of the campaign.

Direction?? What direction? Unless you mean "straight down the tubes," there's never really been any direction to his campaign.

It's pretty much only been about the insane delusions of a man who shares the same name and qualities as a gross, slimy, occasionally poisonous, Salmonella carrying, bacteria laden creature that is only comfortable in the dark, dank recesses of the nearest swamp.

Senior staffers demanded that Gingrich focus on pressing the flesh and fundraising and stop touring the country promoting film projects with his wife. At one point Gingrich was so focused on film premiers and book signings, one senior staffer emailed the team: "We didn't sign up to be hucksters for products for sale."

Rick Tyler, the long-serving press aide to Newt Gingrich, said he and other advisers had become especially worried with the candidate’s decisions about how and when to campaign.

“The team that left had a different idea of what it would take to win,” Mr. Tyler said. “Everyone agreed there is a path to victory, but there was a disagreement about what that was.”

One thing was for certain though, it sure as hell isn't named Newt Gingrich.

Tyler said that Gingrich sometimes “puts unnecessary stumbling blocks in front of himself,” but added, “I hope he does well. He’s a great intellect. It’s sad. But it’s time to move on.”

After all, that's what you do when the person you love or campaign you're working on is suddenly stricken with cancer.

C'mon, it's not as if working for Newt all this time didn't teach them anything.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going....to the nearest luxury jeweler for an expensive new glittering pair of diamond earrings you can't afford.

It's the Golden Newton Rule!

Anthony Weiner's Weiner Still Works, Is Still All Over The Internet, & Is Still A Big, Throbbing Distraction

Another day, another pathetic, sadsack politician feeling the heat because he couldn't keep it in his pants, or in this case, off Andrew Breitbart's pervy iPhone.

And this time, the no-longer-contained-in-boxer-briefs weiner in question belongs to none other than aptly named New York congressman Anthony Weiner, who apparently managed to put his wonderful, web-cruising weiner in his wife at least once, recently, when not taking pictures of it to send to strangers on Twitter.

Which is, umm, good because now Mrs. Weiner, Huma Abedin, is three months pregnant, presumably with his spawn, unless of course Huma was also slyly chat rouletting her hooha to complete strangers on the internet.

So yes, America's modern-day Bill Clinton (Democrats + Erections + Internets = William Jefferson Clinton) Anthony Weiner and his grand ambition to seduce strangers with unsolicited sausage shots become mayor of New York City is likely over, for now at least, and quite possibly his political career in general.

Unless, the American people are willing to forgive Sir Weiner for his sexting and shlong sending sins, which of course can only be accomplished by crying like a little schoolgirl and tearfully admitting (with certitude!) that yes, that is indeed his bulging groin in question and yes he, not some mysterious hacker, did send them to a lady or six, to a roomful of reporters on national teevee.

Since in typical Democratic fashion, Anthony forgot to read the sex scandal manual and didn't actually sex any of the half-dozen or so random ladies in question, hike the Appalachian trail to hot Argentinian mistresses, catch BJs from an intern, bang prostitutes, wear diapers, misuse public funds, or break any laws, but rather just tempted them with a bunch of embarrassingly lame, grade-school photos of a peen snuggled cozily in gray boxers, he has no plans to resign from office.

“I have made some terrible mistakes,” Weiner told reporters. “I have not been honest.”
Mr. Weiner said that after he sent the underwear photo on Twitter on May 27, “Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter I panicked, I took it down and said I’d been hacked.”
He added, “To be clear, the picture was of me, and I sent it.”
Mr. Weiner said he had inappropriate communications with six women over the past three years as part of a “consensual exchange of e-mails” with the women.

Awww, how sweet! But even this tearful admission doesn't change the fact that Weiner has acted like, well, a colossal Weiner these past few days, using the internet as his own personal X-Rated Sexy Lady Sims Game, then lying about for days once he got caught, and pretty much acting like an all-around jackass (even more so than usual) on some whirlwind, inexplicable media blitz to make himself appear even guiltier than everyone already assumed.

On the bright side, Weiner did manage to knock up his wife while digitally frolicking with random women in cyberspace (yay?), plus he most likely didn't violate House rules by using congressional resources to send said dick pics to his various ladyfriends (save for the $1.50 or so it cost to sex-chat one of 'em on his official congressional phone), and is one of the few politicians to accomplish the rare feat of getting caught in a humiliating, possibly career-ending sex scandal that doesn't actually involve sex.

And the Weiner is...

Tony's Tiger...It's Grrrrrreat!

The War Of Art: Wisconsin Hell Governor Scott Walker Removes Wall Mural Because Underprivileged Children Happily Blowing Bubbles Makes Him Feel All Gross & Poor Inside

"Wishes In The Wind"

While the rest of the nation is abuzz over important things like mysterious underwear-covered crotch shots of a public official with the dual misfortune of having a last name synonymous with a penis, and an unhealthy obsession with his own penis, America's lovely crop of new Republican governors have settled in nicely, mostly managing to keep their Weiners and Willies in their pants as they wage war on both poor people in the streets and poor people hanging on their office and/or mansion walls.

Much like his ol' buddy in Maine Gov. Paul LePage, who simply could not stand the sight of some Socialist beggar mural of working class minorities sullying his Labor Department and ordered its prompt removal (soon to be followed by the forced removal of all poor minorities, God-willing!), squinty-eyed, Kochsucking Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker has also removed a specially commissioned painting of three disadvantaged Wisconsin kids from the mantlepiece of the governor’s mansion because the smiling faces of poor children skipping down a snowy street makes him understandably uncomfortable.

Instead, "Wishes in the Wind," which was part of a series of paintings with “subjects intended to remind state leaders of the people they represent," has been replaced by "a century-old painting of Old Abe, a Civil War-era bald eagle from Wisconsin" to honor the 150th anniversary of the Civil War.

Apparently, Scott Walker likes to be reminded of eagles, the voters who elected him. YAY! FREEDOM WINS!

From the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel:

In an interview, artist David Lenz said he carefully selected the three children portrayed in “Wishes in the Wind.” The African-American girl, featured in a Journal Sentinel column on homelessness, spent three months at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission with her mother. The Hispanic girl is a member of the Boys and Girls Clubs of Greater Milwaukee. And the boy’s father and brother were killed by a drunken driver in 2009.
“The homeless, central city children and victims of drunk drivers normally do not have a voice in politics,” Lenz explained in an email. “This painting was an opportunity for future governors to look these three children in the eye, and I hope, contemplate how their public policies might affect them and other children like them.”
He added: “I guess that was a conversation Governor Walker did not want to have.”

That's because, unlike bald eagles from the 19th century, poor, suffering children do not really exist in modern-day Wisconsin.

Ooops, looks like another Dick's been exposed. Except unlike a certain fuzzy Wiener Twitter pic, this cock shot's crystal clear!

The Grifters Are Coming, The Grifters Are Coming! Sarah Palin Revisits Paul Revere's Famous Midnight Ride

World famous historian and renowned tour guide Sarah Palin continues to crisscross America in a rented tour bus to help bring knowledge (and laughter!) to the nation on her unique, one-woman quest to make history as the first woman to serve as Commander in Chief cause the nation's collective IQ to drop a couple of points every time she opens her mouth.

Like the truth about Paul Revere's famous 1775 midnight horseback ride through the countryside to warn fellow patriots Samuel Adams and John Hancock of the British Army's approach on the eve of the Revolutionary War.

“He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”

Could she be any more brilliant?? I mean seriously, people! Who else but Sarah Louise Palin could know that Paul Revere was actually ridin' around banging on bells and firing shots into the sky like some tweaky Wasilla meth freak with a semi-automatic and an Iron Maiden t-shirt, all to protect our 2nd Amendment rights which wouldn't even exist for another 16 years?

The answer is of course, no one! Which is why our favoritest snowbilly grifter was forced to turn to, where else, Fox News to set the record straight and present the real fair and balanced truth, without the liberal lamestream media bias like facts or historical accuracy to screw it all up.

Besides, it's not like she was wrong on everything. His name was Paul and he did ride a horse! Okay, okay so maybe he was trying to warn Americans that the British were coming. But he was definitely also trying to warn the British and probably their horses too! Trust her, the man was positively hell bent on warning everything in his path!

From the New York Times:

“You know what? I didn’t mess up about Paul Revere,” she said. “In a shout-out, gotcha type of question that was asked of me, I answered candidly. And I know my American history.”

“Here is what Paul Revere did. He warned the Americans that the British were coming, the British were coming, and they were going to try take our arms and we got to make sure that we were protecting ourselves and shoring up all of ammunitions and our firearms so that they couldn’t take it."

"But remember that the British had already been there, many soldiers for seven years in that area. And part of Paul Revere’s ride — and it wasn’t just one ride — he was a courier, he was a messenger. Part of his ride was to warn the British that we’re already there. That, hey, you’re not going to succeed. You’re not going to take American arms. You are not going to beat our own well-armed persons, individual, private militia that we have. He did warn the British.”

So there you have it. Paul Revere was runnin' around shriekin' warnings at anyone who would listen on his secret bus horse ride across the Northeast to save America from the British and secret Muslim terrorist Socialist Presidents tryin' to take away their machine guns with high capacity magazines.

Oh, and if you're wondering where the hell Paul Revere was to warn us that Sarah Palin was coming, wonder no more.

He quit his ride half-way through as true heroes do.

For Once Arkansas Schoolchildren Accomplish Something Besides Morbid Obesity & Lifelong Illiteracy

Much to the rest of the nation's shock and dismay, school kids in the tiny backwater town of Russellville, Arkansas actually managed to learn something during their early years of sub-par public education, other than how to torture small animals and harass anyone whose skin isn't perfectly milky white like Jesus intended.

It's true!

The precocious li'l whippersnappers at Russellville Middle School learned, for example, that Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are two of the worst humans in history, something that many adults haven't yet realized, in America at least. It's pretty much standard knowledge in most other places. like all the smart Socialist European countries.

So being the wise, young minds they are, the students at Russellville Middle School decided to include a list of the "Top 5 Worst People Of All Time" in their yearbook, so they will always remember the truly evil who walked among us. Seems harmless enough, except some of the so-called "adults" in this small Arkansas town are very upset that their smarty-pants kids had the brains balls to rank George W. Bush and Dick Cheney fourth and fifth, respectively, on the all-time terrible people list. How dare they!

Good thing local Fox News affiliate Fox16.com is all over it:

Open up the Russellville Middle School yearbook. You’ll see the students’ pictures, the administration, and a pretty controversial list that’s supposed to be covered with a piece of black tape …. The list is titled “Top 5 worst people of all time.” The top three, in order, are Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and Charles Manson. Numbers four and five are George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Superintendent Randall Williams calls the list “an oversight.”

What is not an oversight however, is the fact that no matter where in the US of A Fox News decides to bring its "Fair & Balanced" brand of journalism, they still cannot manage to spell "Adolf" correctly. But hey, don't worry, you still get an A for effort, Phox News!

Despite Superintendent Williams best efforts to cover this treachery with a piece of black tape, some of the Arkansas parents are still all hot n' bothered over the list—and not just because they think Dick Cheney is ranked too low, as one would think.

"My problem is the tape can be removed easily," said School Board Member Chris Cloud. Cloud has two kids in the Russellville School District and one brought home the yearbook.
"I'm furious as a parent and as a board member and as a tax payer and as a resident of Russellville," he said. "It's wrong."

Don't worry School Board Member Chris Cloud! From the looks of it, you'll be #5 on next year's list, with a bullet! Plus, with a little practice, hell, who knows, Adolph, err, Adolf Hitler may be sweatin' to stay in that top spot.

But what's even more amazing than Bush 'n Dick rounding out the world's most terrible human beings list is that an entire class of youngsters in Arkansas actually made it to Middle School!

Guess the kids are alright!