Bush Comes Out Of The Closet In Search Of Some Respect

Hehe, Y'all Miss Me?

Bored with life alone with Laura, Barney, and Miss Beazley in some hoity-toity Dallas suburb instead of at his Crawford Ranch where he really wanted to be, George W. Bush has decided to come out of his publicly-imposed exile and re-enter into the society he destroyed to join his old pal Dick Cheney on the nutjob media circuit tour.

Which has put the GOP in a quite a tizzy. They just don't know what to do with dear W! It was easy during his last few months in office. Hideously unpopular and quickly replacing Jimmy Carter as the nation's biggest embarrassment, Dubya at least had the common courtesy to stay out of everyone's way and amuse himself with the sweet new Xbox 360 Dick and the gang chipped in to buy him, even though it wasn't even his birthday or Christmas!

But suddenly Bush is back and the GOP finds itself facing a cold, hard truth: no matter how hard they try, they just can't quit 43.

And lord knows they've tried. During the presidential primary, the Republicans scrambled all over trying to distance themselves from the Ebola-like virus of George W. Bush, while Democrats did whatever they could to convince voters Bush and the GOP were like conjoined twins who'd die if separated.

But with Bush once again emerging out of shameful obscurity to speak at the Economic Club of Southwest Michigan and later to appear with his brother Bill Clinton at a forum in Toronto, the GOP is slowly starting to re-embrace Bush's legacy. The man himself, not so much.

So while the right resumes its love affair with Bush's effective policies of war, torture, and bankruptcy, you would think they'd show the man who started it all the respect he deserves.

But nooo, instead of thanking ol' Dubya, everywhere you look it's Dick Cheney this and Dick Cheney that.

It's enough to almost make you feel sorry for the guy. Almost. I mean what the hell does a guy need to do to get a little respect around here, anyway?

White House Comedy Hour With Robert Gibbs

Prompter, Prompter On The Wall, Who's The Funniest One Of All?

Being press secretary is a real hoot. Unlike those Bush duds before him like Dana Perino (she was pretty though) and Scott McClennan (eh not so much), Obama's White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is a regular laugh riot. He may look shlubby and dull, but things are not always as they appear. Move over Letterman, Leno, and Conan, there's a new comic superstar on the block and his name is Robert Gibbs!

Sure, the U.S. is facing some of its most difficult challenges in history: the economy's gone to hell, North Korea is being its usual nutty self, and Dick Cheney has embarked upon a nonstop apocalyptic doom media tour across the U.S. But over in the White House press briefing room, the media is having the time of their lives.

In the first four months of Robert Gibbs' stint as the nation's new press secretary and resident comic genius, there have been more than 600 officially recorded instances of "Laughter" in the transcript. That's an average of more than 10 laughs per day!!!

Which is more than can be said for George W. Bush's last press secretary Snoozefest Dana Perino who got all of 57 laughs in her first painfully dreary four months. Ditto for Wah Wah Scott McClennan who could only muster up a measly 66 laughs in the same four month stint. Even George W. Bush's resident jester and press secretary ace the late Tony Snow doesn't even come close to Gibbs, with his paltry 217 laughs looking more like a librarian's performance than a bonafide comedy star.

But it's not like it's all fun and games in the James S. Brady Briefing Room. While no Gibbs press briefing has been entirely devoid of giggles, there have been a few days of near-laughterlessness when Mr. G didn't quite bring his A-game. Like the somber Ides of March (10 and 27), when only two instances of "Laughter" were recorded the entire day because apparently everyone remembered they weren't actually cool SNL cast members but lame White House press corps members.

So what's behind these new, lighter, dare I even say, fun White House press conferences?

“I think it has more to do with the interest in Obama than in his spokesman,” says Human Events editor John Gizzi. “There’s always fascination with a new president. That said, there is a lot of laughter out there, and a part of it is because of Gibbs — he has a great sense of humor...He has a bigger audience to play to than did Snow or Perino, thanks to the new administration. This press room is always crowded and, this time, the entertainer plays to a bigger audience.”

In other words, Gibbs probably won't have to worry about having any reporters chuck shoes at his head. Which is probably a good thing because something tells me his comedy skills are a hell of a lot better than his reflexes. That's Bush's forte.

The GOP's Suicide Mission Does Not Include Colin Powell

In case you didn't get the memo, former Secretary of State Colin Powell is still a proud member of the Grand Old Party. But there are some people who just don't think Mr. Powell is Republican enough.

Never mind his 20-year record voting solidly with Republican candidates or serving as the first African-American chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and secretary of State under genuinely elephant president George W. Bush. Forget his lifelong commitment to party ideals, his position on the Republican Party's membership committee, or his dedicated military service as a four-star general in the United States Army. Colin Powell is nothing more than a Barry-loving arugula-eating socialist masquerading as a true patriot of the Republican Party!

True patriots like Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney who want highly-decorated frauds like Colin Powell out of their precious party. Frauds who call themselves Republican but then turn around and vote for a liberal demonchild like Barack Hussein Obama. Frauds who think the Republican Party should include more than bloated heart attack victims who hunt ducks, quails, and their best friends. Or pill-popping, prog rock-named radio hosts whose BMI is the only thing more out of control than their insane, hate-filled rants about how feminism is just some made up bullsh*t to make ugly chicks feel better about themselves.

The last thing the Republican Party wants or needs is a bunch of non-white moderates who think with their brains and live in reality to control the direction of their dear party. They'd prefer to keep it real and purge everyone but gun-crazy secessionists, gay-bashing closet cases, and Alaskan ice fairies whose idea of diplomacy consists of lipstick jokes, sexy winks, and refusin' to end sentences with the letter g.

Even a GOP savior like former House Speaker Newt Gingrich knows the Republican party can't exclude everyone and still expect to survive. "To be a national party, you have to have a big enough tent that you inevitably have fights inside the tent."

Or just a tent big enough for Dick and Rush's massive bodies and the handful of true Republicans still left to squeeze inside and celebrate their heroic two-man rescue of the Grand Old Party.

Then they'll break out the bubbly, but first they just need a quick sec to figure out where the hell everyone went.

Obama Enlists Racist, Estrogen-Filled Mexican To Help Ruin America's Fave Boy's Club, The Supreme Court

The Three Musketeers

Here she is, ladies and gentleman: the newest activist justice on the Supreme Court, federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor! She is not only the third estrogen-filled woman, she is also the first Mexican ever to be nominated to the nation's highest court. She also used to be a poor, has lots of empathy, and was not born prior to the civil war: three qualities Comrade Barry thinks are very important for a new Justice.

Joe Biden is thrilled too because he has tons of respect for strong Latina women, not to mention plenty of killer jokes about Hispanics the nation is gonna eat up. Some real classics! But, don't worry, he already promised Barry he wouldn't speak until after her Senate confirmation hearings when Democrats vote for her and Republicans vote against her but can't do anything to stop her because no one listens to what minorities have to say anyway. Unless they're are female and Hispanic. Then they get to make the law!

This makes Rush Limbaugh very angry. Angrier even than when he realizes he just took his last handful of vicodans and the pharmacy won't be open until tomorrow.

You see, Rush wants Senora Sotomayor to fail. And he's not afraid to say it. Wanna know why?

She is a horrible pick and the antithesis of a judge and is going to be a disaster on the court. She's also a racist. Actually a reverse racist. Of course the libs will try to say that minorities cannot be racists because they don't have the power to implement their racism but everyone knows that Obama is the greatest living example of a reverse racist. And now he's gone and appointed a Mexican woman racist to the Supreme Court where she can wage war on innocent middle aged Christian white men who love narcotics and America.

Guess you're wishing we had finished that border fence after all aren't you, America?

C'mon, Be A Mancow: Waterboarding Isn't Torture!

Much like fellow right-wing toughguys Sean "Meathead" Hannity and Liz "Dick" Cheney, loudmouth Chicago radio host Erich "Mancow" Muller was so certain waterboarding was nothing more than a leisurely inner tube ride on a lazy river that he decided to give the fun aquatic process a go himself. That way he could finally prove to all those dumb liberals how not-torturous it is to lay blindfolded on an elevated table with your legs and feet bound while torrents of water are poured down your mouth and nose. Piece of cake, right?

"I wanted to prove it wasn't torture. They cut off our heads, we put water on their face...I got voted to do this but I really thought 'I'm going to laugh this off.' "

Turns out Mancow's rebuttal of this peaceful water-based intelligence gathering technique didn't go quite as he would have liked. After just 6 or 7 seconds, the brave shock jock thrashed on the table, and quickly threw the toy cow he was holding as his emergency tool to signify when he wanted the experiment to stop.

"It is way worse than I thought it would be, and that's no joke,"Mancow said, likening it to a time when he nearly drowned as a child. "It is such an odd feeling to have water poured down your nose with your head back...It was instantaneous...and I don't want to say this: absolutely torture."

What!?! Apparently Mr. Mancow Muller has never seen Kevin Costner's 1995 bomb Waterworld. Now that's torture!

This Dick Has Got Some Balls

After TKOing John McCain in November, President and defending lightweight champion Barack Obama faced off against another white-haired, even more decrepit opponent on Thursday: Dark Lord of the Underworld Dick Cheney.

In the greatest national security showdown since Nancy Pelosi accused the CIA of acting all spy-like by deceiving the public about the non-torture techniques used to pry important information from tight-lipped suspected terrorists, President Obama went head-to-head with that wretched old man who won't go away to decide once and for all who knows how to keep America safer.

The actual leader of the free world, Barack Obama, believes the Bush administration's war on terror these last eight years has left the nation a tattered mess and provided nothing but a rallying cry for enemies. Call him old-school, but Barack just doesn't think naked pyramids and upside-down drowning games helped advance America's counter-terrorism efforts. In fact, Mr. Naive over here thinks that spitting on the Geneva Convention might have actually undermined them. What crazy hippie planet is he from?

Luckily, we have reliable old Dick to help show the nation and world why only pussies like Obama and the continent of Europe can't seem to get it through their thick skulls that 9/11 changed everything.

Like waterboarding becoming not only "lawful," but "skillful and entirely honorable." And Obama's national security strategy of not starting wars anywhere there is desert and oil as "recklessness cloaked in righteousness." Opposition to torture is also "unwise in the extreme," and any time you dare question the government's life-saving interrogation practices on unlawfully detained suspects in secret prison camps, it's as if you personally flew the planes into the Twin Towers yourself.

So ask yourself America, do you really want to become one big Mohamed Atta? Otherwise, Barry needs to go.

Congress Declares War On Credit Card Companies And Peaceful Nature Lovers

President Obama and the Democratic demonchildren in Congress finally stuck it to the big, bad credit card companies, passing sweeping reforms aimed at reducing the number of ways credit card companies can screw with unsuspecting consumers like you and me.

The new measure adds protections for debt-stricken credit card users, and does away with hidden charges, extra fees and all the other creative ways credit card try to dupe dumb Americans into buying a bunch of sh*t they can't afford.

The House of Representative passed the bill by a whopping 361-64 margin, paving the way for Comrade Barry to sign the bill and rescue America from the evil tricks of American Express, Visa, MasterCard, and the like, no matter how much we enjoy their "priceless" commercials reminding us that the best things in life are free, so you might as well throw yourself into debt buying all the cool stuff plastic can buy.

Even Republicans joined Obama's credit card crusade; they just took a little more convincing that's all. Luckily, the Democrats were in a very good mood and more than happy to tack on a little "sweetener" to please the GOP, since they know helping the average American isn't exactly their style.

So, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, they made the Republicans an offer they couldn't refuse: Agree to help protect consumers from getting financially raped by the credit card companies, and they'll finally let you bring your precious loaded guns into national parks and wildlife refuges.

Which may be a bit risky considering the Republican Party recently replaced the grey wolf on the U.S. list of endangered species.

Guns And Parks: What A Lovely Duo!

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Don't Let The Sunglasses Fool You, Meghan Packs The Heat

Meghan McCain loves guns. Not only do they make her feel like a whole lotta woman, they're also just perfect for relieving all the stress that comes with getting paid to blog about nonsense for a living. Nonsense and sex.

You see Meghan McCain is more than just the fresh-faced blogging voice of the Republican Party. She's also a proud member of the National Rifle Association and is terrified that charismatic demonchild Barack Obama is going to take away her precious right to shoot annoying people and defenseless animals.

Doesn't Obama know the shooting range is the one place Meghan can be a Republican "through-and-through" or how empowering it is for a 24-year-old woman of wealth and taste to fire off a few rounds?

I mean she's always had positive experiences with family and guns. You should see how her beloved godfather Jerry could decorate a house using only freshly-skinned wild boar hides, deer pelts, and giant moose antlers. There's nothing like it!

That's why Meghan is able to think about guns in a "smart, nonreactive manner." Hello people, it's called the Bill of Rights!

If you are a law-abiding citizen who is trained to and skilled at using a firearm, then you are entitled to protect yourself and your family. Even if you're not, Meghan knows our founding fathers intended for everyone to experience the joys of gun ownership. Particularly semi-automatic machine guns, cause you never know when your fair city will be overrun by Somalian warlords.

Too bad those kooky liberals don't understand that guns aren't the problem. "The real solution to preventing gun violence is not taking away the tools, but tackling its causes: poverty, inadequate health care, mental illness, joblessness, inadequate housing, and poor education. Desperate people will make anything a weapon. We need to eliminate desperation, not guns."

So does that mean all we need to do stop abortions is eliminate sluts? It's so brilliant, I can't believe no one ever thought of that before!

What Do Republicans And Dinosaurs Have In Common?

The Three Stooges

It's tough to be a Republican these days. Seems like no one is down with the Grand Old Party, ever since that W guy peaced out of the White House and into the Witness Protection Program in Dallas. Not even superstars like Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Michael "Hip-Hop" Steele are enough to save the Party from going the way of the dinosaurs.

A new Gallup poll reveals just how close the Grand Old Party is from extinction, yet unlike their prehistoric counterparts, this cataclysm has nothing to do with asteroids or comets, but something far more ominous: eight years of George W. Bush.

Not content to just ruin America, rape the economy, and drown New Orleans, our friend George figured what the hell, why not destroy the entire Republican Party while he's at it.

In fact, since Bush first doomed us by taking office in 2001, those identifying themselves as Republicans has fallen faster than America's standing in the world, with sharp decreases in almost every demographic.

Over the last eight years, GOP self-identification among college graduates has fallen by ten points (13 if you include postgraduate education), nine points among 18-29 year-olds, five points among married people, eight points among unmarried, nine points in the Midwest, six in the East, five in the West, and even four points in the South. The South, for crying out loud! (Though, one can only assume this isn't including the secession parade of Georgia, Oklahoma, South Dakota, and of course, sassy ringleader Texas).

All in all, what was once an even split in 2001, has now morphed into a 53%-39% shellacking by Democrats over their zit-faced, redheaded step-child, the Republican Party.

But it's not all bad. Turns out the GOP suffered no decrease with the ever-important Jesus freaks (frequent churchgoers) and only showed a one-point loss among gun nuts and homophobes (conservatives), and anyone who considers Brown v. Board of Education to be America's kiss of death (those 65 and older).

Hey, look at the bright side, at least your base still loves you!

Signs Of The Apocalypse? No, Just Dick Cheney's 2012 Presidential Hopes

Am I having night terrors or is Dick Cheney gearing up for a presidential run in 2012?

I know it sounds crazy. I mean the guy's not exactly Mr. Popular, let alone human, and yet there's just something about this guy that people find irresistible. So irresistible in fact, that no matter how hard we try (and believe me we've tried), we just can't seem to get rid of him.

Everywhere you look, it's Dick, Dick, Dick! Dick on the radio, Dick on TV, Dick doing talk shows, Dick doing the news.

And it's not just because of his beautiful mug. There are some other tell-tale signs that Dick Cheney might attempt to ride his charisma and charm right into White House contention.

1. The media blitz
At this point, someone should just give Dr. Doom his own show. Blah, blah, blah, pussy president Barack Obama is making us less safe, torture is good, and war is the only language the terrorists speak. Too bad Dick forgot one tiny little fact: More Americans were killed by terrorists on Cheney's watch than on any other leader's watch in U.S. history.

2. He hasn’t said he’s not running for president
OK, he also hasn't said he's the antichrist but we don't doubt that now do we?

3. Republicans are too scared to tell him not to
"Cheney continues to be a force among many members of our base, and while he is entirely unhelpful, no one has the standing to show him the door," writes the Washington Post. Would you want to be the messenger of that news to the Dark Lord of the Sith? Didn't think so.

4. He’s younger than John McCain
That's right. Despite having not one but four heart attacks under his belt (first one suffered at the prime age of 37) and a penchant for rocking a wheelchair from time to time, Dick Cheney is only 68 years old--a whole four years younger than that geezer John McCain. Which means in 2012, Dick would only be 72, the same age McCain was in 2008. But let me ask you this, how many heart attacks has Mr. Tough Guy Hanoi Prison survived?

5. He’s chosen himself before
In 2000, Dick Cheney was appointed to the head of George W. Bush’s vice-presidential search committee, only to decide the best candidate was well, himself. He did such a suberb job as VP, that eight years later, we can safely assume Dick's opinion of himself has only improved. Looks like it's time for a promotion! After all, his record speaks for itself.

6. It’d probably go better than last time
Sure when Dick Cheney almost ran for president in 1996, it was a long shot. He wasn't exactly a household name, didn't have a particularly large base of support, and certainly didn't have the impeccable record of service he's amassed since then.

But Republican Party analyst and Weekly Standard founder Bill Kristol knows there's something even bigger preventing Dick Cheney from a successful presidential bid.

"You have to be a little bit crazy to run for president...and Dick Cheney is a very sane man."

Must just be the rest of America that's insane.

Forward-Thinking RNC Hopes To Reclaim 1990s Glory With Ad From Same Decade

HAHAHAHA. Well, well Republicans, you've finally done it! You've managed to produce something simultaneously hilarious and stunningly fresh. I mean who would have thought to twist those "priceless" MasterCard ads into a 30-second warning against Obama's reckless shopping spree to bankrupt America? It's just pure brilliance!

Using your ObamaCard to drown your country in debt, settle old political scores, terrorize New Yorkers, give your spoiled kids a "Kennedy" dog, and redecorate your cramped new house? $787 billion.

Throwing a "Political Satire" disclaimer into your ad so facts and truth don't really apply? Priceless.

After All This Time, Dick's Still Hard-On Iran

Human defect Dick Cheney continued his increasingly bizarre whirlwind tour across America, bringing his unique brand of doom to select cities around the country.

Most recently, Dick took his new role as the world's creepiest chatterbox to New York City, so he could watch his sexually confused (aka lesbian) daughter Elizabeth make him proud by spewing the same insane, apocalyptic nonsense as her carefree papa during a heated policy debate on Iran.

But it's not like Dick just watched casually from the sidelines, happy to let daughter Lizzy have her moment to shine instead. No sir-ee.

Not when the matter at hand is a danger as grave as Iran. This is war, people. And the sooner you start understanding that, the better!

You see, Dick (and the whole Cheney clan for that matter) knows the threats we face in today's post 9/11 reality are nothing to sneer at (even if he can't help it). But unfortunately those pansy Europeans don't understand that "negotiating" and "diplomacy" are for pussies, and the only thing stopping the imminent Iranian nuclear holocaust is the mighty red, white, and blue opening up another can of "shock and awe" whoop-ass.

"We fail to recognize the fact that we're alone out there in terms of trying to achieve the objective of forcing the Iranians to give up their nuclear weapons. Everybody's in a giant conspiracy to achieve a different objective than the one we want to achieve."

That's right. In Dick's world, France, Germany and especially the United Kingdom are not only willing to live with a nuclear-armed Iran, they are conspiring with that Iranian devil "to stall for time" and "restrain the U.S. from military action."

And don't even get Dick started about negotiations being bound to fail unless we are perceived as "very credible in threatening military action against Iran."

Don't you people get it?

Unless we're seen as a locked 'n loaded maniac with a hair trigger temper ready and willing to bomb the bejesus out of anyone who dares cross our path, there will never be peace and security in the world.

Obama Looks To Congress To Help The Gays "Ask And Tell"

President Barack Obama may be down with the gays (in that he doesn't want to ship 'em off to a remote island), but some members of the rainbow mafia aren't satisfied. I guess all of New England just isn't good enough for some people!

Those greedy gays just won't leave Barry alone now that he rules the world. They think it's time for Obama to start honoring his promise only to forsake them until the election was over and he could assume his rightful place in the Oval Office. Then, with a graceful waive of his magic fairy wand, he could give finally give the queers those damn equal rights they keep bitching about.

But, suddenly Mr. hot shot Obama forgot about his gay and lesbian friends. It's not that he doesn't think they deserve the right to die for the country that refuses them the same constitutional rights as everyone else, it's just that he doesn't plan to intervene personally to stop the ongoing expulsion of homos from the military.

While the president certainly wants to do away with the hateful and unjust "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs says critics must understand that a repeal requires "more than snapping one's fingers."

A policy such as this requires a "durable legislative solution," but rest assured Obama is busy working with lawmakers to do away with this abominable policy once and for all.

But, in the meantime, pipe down, take your dishonorable discharge like the man, woman, or tranny that you are, and while we're on it, would it really kill you to tone down the whole "gay thing" for once in your wretched life?

Remember people, the goal isn't to make you more comfortable with them, it's to make them less uncomfortable with you!

Southern States Love America So Much They Want To Dissolve It

North Vs. South, Redux

Red states are movin' out! America's cuckoo southern friends have finally tired of the snooty, upper crust ways of us northern heretics and have decided to press their luck alone, without us slave-hating states to keep them down.

First, it was Texas who threatened to secede from this godless Union on account of the suffocating tyranny of taxing rich people at slightly higher rates. That coupled with Barack Obama and his negro army's deviant plot to march into the Lone Star state to steal their guns and slay all the white people was enough to send the good people of Texas packing.

Much like the swine flu or gay-marriage virus, a brilliant idea like seceding from the union and starting your own crackpot Republic cannot be contained long. Which is why the proud states of Georgia, South Dakota, and Oklahoma wasted no time passing their own secession resolutions, declaring their state's sovereignty and freedom from enslavement by the Northern aggressors.

So congratulations to Georgia, Oklahoma, South Dakota, and of course, sassy ringleader Texas, for hearkening back to the glory days of the civil war by once again fighting the "conspiracy to create a single North American country" in favor of an "independent South unburdened by it's alien occupier."

I guess 143 years of captivity is long enough. And yet somehow it still doesn't get any easier!

Clowns To The Left, Jokers To The Right. Here He Is, Stuck At This Dinner With You

America's premier entertainer-in-chief Barack Obama did not disappoint at Washington's annual Nerd Prom also known as the White House Correspondents' Dinner this past Saturday night.

There, this strange man calling himself Barack Obama and claiming to be the president, brought the 2,500-3,000-strong (depending on who you ask) journalist-and-celeb-filled house down with wit, charm, and enough zingers to go around.

Barry broke the ice with a customary teleprompter joke or two before welcoming all the arugula-eating media elites "who covered him and voted for him to celebrate the ten-day anniversary of his first 100 days." His perfect, god-like hundred days interrupted here and there by the king of comic-relief Joe Biden and his wacky Scranton antics.

However, Obama did offer his deepest apologies to Fox News, to which Glenn Beck eloquently responded by pumping his fists in the air shouting O'Doyle Rules!

This in turn reminded Obama of his own, much cooler fist-bumping incident with that bad-ass, sleeve-hating first-wife of his over there who he thanked for being an outstanding first lady and uniting the nation in agreement on a key issue: "her right to bare arms." He also remembered to wish her a happy Mother's Day before promptly moving on cause even he knows not to f**k with Michelle.

Ditto goes for that crazy mother-f**ker Rahm Emanuel. Unlike sweetheart David Axelrod, who he would have totally gay-married had it been legal when they caucused in Iowa last year.

Just like the other problem he inherited from George W. Bush: having to entertain all you people at this stupid thing. But as long as he's here, he might as well give a shout-out to his hip-hop brotha, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele for being in the heezy!

But, don't get any ideas Michael, "The Republican Party does not qualify for a bailout and Rush Limbaugh still does not count as a troubled asset." He also apologized that former vice President Dick Cheney couldn't make the dinner but he was too busy writing his memoir, "How to shoot friends and interrogate people."

Sassy firebrand and out-and-proud lesbo Wanda Sykes concluded the evening's festivities by assuring Obama he's done a fine job as president, save for the photos of his nipples and him and Biden's recent White House version of Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle.

"You've had your fair share of critics...Rush Limbaugh said this administration fails. ... He just wants the country to fail. To me that's treason. He's not saying anything different than what Osama Bin Laden is saying. You might want to look into this, sir, because I think Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. ... Rush Limbaugh, I hope the country fails, I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a good waterboarding, that's what he needs."

That or a good laugh.

The GOP Is As Healthy As Its Leaders

Hi, I'm a fat pile of sh*t who spews venomous hate in the absence of having any formal education or marketable qualities other than a weirdly obsessive love of all things radio. Can I please be the leader of your Party?

Conservative radio host, hate-monger, and dear leader of the Republicans, Rush Limbaugh has no time for "pretend" party members like former Secretary of State Colin Powell or anyone else for that matter who thinks with their brain instead of through an opiate and morphine-filled haze.

That's why he's telling that chump Powell and all the other liberal posers in the GOP to take their panzy-asses and go join the rest of the queerballs in the Democratic Party.

A true Republican like Rush never criticizes his party, under any circumstances. That's what pussy Democrats do. It doesn't matter how far your party has sunk, or how unpopular, out-of-touch, and increasingly irrelevant it's become. It can be teetering on the god damn brink of extinction, and even then you don't dare ask it to change or question its ideas.

No, no. You become even more extreme in your beliefs and rigid in your thinking. Purge all the infidels from the party who think differently, especially those with fresh ideas and sensible solutions. Isolate everyone but the few remaining kooks in your base, and above all hate anything that it isn't white, straight, wearing a cross and holding a gun.

Like moderates. Especially smart black ones who don't want to see their party hijacked by a fat, red-faced idiot whose ability to clearly speak English into a microphone is the only thing separating him from a pathetic life as an unemployed virgin living in his mother's basement.

Fellow bloated, rosy-cheeked Republican hero, Dick Cheney agrees. He knows it would be a mistake for the GOP to moderate, just like he knows the GOP would benefit from him dying, or at the very least, retreating back into his lair and out of the public eye.

"I think periodically we have to go through one these sessions. It helps clear away some of the underbrush...some of the older folks who've been around a long time (like yours truly) need to move on, and make room for that young talent that's coming along. But I think it's basically healthy."

And who would know health more than this four-time heart attack survivor and his jollily obese, half-deaf sidekick?

Rush & Dick: Two Picturesque Visions Of Health

This Is One Bizarre Love Triangle We Could've Done Without

Umm, yeah, this is gonna be awkward. So I'm just gonna go ahead and save you the suspense: It's his kid.

You already know pretty boy family man John Edwards was running around screwing some broad--er make that his mistress--while he ran for president of the world and his wife battled cancer. He's just that kind of guy. So is it really that crazy to think that after endless romps in the sack, one of his li'l guys managed to squiggle in and implant itself in Rielle's fertile womb?

Who knows. Maybe Rielle is sluttier than we thought and goes around banging more than rich, smug politicians from one of the Carolinas.

I, for one, am not going to pretend to be an expert on the sexual exploits of a certain Rielle Hunter, aka Lisa Jo Druck, Lisa Hunter, Lisa Jo Hunter, Rielle Jaya James Druck. All I know is her and Johnny were going at it for quite some time when Miss Hunter suddenly found herself preggers with an anonymous love child, sworn to secrecy and whisked away to sunny California.

Either way this ends, I have a feeling wifey Elizabeth isn't going to be pleased. And something tells me John Edwards' presidential aspirations aren't getting any brighter. Not that they were so hot before this little faux pas.

I don't know. Something about this southern gentleman and his $400 dollar hair cuts just never really felt right. Almost as if it were too good to be true.

Bank Stress Tests Show Under Mattress Still Best Option For Stashing Funds

To the shock and dismay of no one, Bank of America and Citigroup announced they are once again broke as hell and in dire need of some fresh taxpayer dough to continue squandering in obscene and offensive ways.

Stress tests of the 19 largest U.S. banks confirmed suspicions that Bank of America, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, and GMAC are indeed worthless deadbeats and as such, will need to leech off the public for just a wee bit longer or until they're able to stand on their own two pillars.

Bank of America continued its unrivaled domination of this year's Wall Street Derby, posting a $34 billion shortfall and easily claiming the gold as the nation's biggest money pit. Wells Fargo and GMAC fell just short, earning silver and bronze honors with their own meager $15 billion and $11.5 billion requirements, respectively.

But the real story of the day was Citigroup's Mine That Bird-like upset, shocking the world with its partial solvency and mere $5 billion request. Ha, chump change!

Kudos though, to Goldman Sachs, MetLife, JPMorgan Chase, Bank of New York Mellon Corp. and American Express, for not being miserable failures like the other Fortune 500 degenerates we keep rescuing from self-induced destruction and actually manage on the billion dollar allowance we already agreed upon. Rules are rules!

Forget Swine Flu, Gay Marriage Bug Threatens Entire Northeast!

Oh no! While America was being distracted by the pig AIDS pandemic, a much scarier virus was busy creeping across our fair land.

I'm talking of course about the dreaded gay marriage bug tearing through the Northeast this spring, easily taking Ben and Jerry's hedonist commune Vermont, before striking New Hampshire, and now Maine. We're talking MAINE, people!

That's not including the queer assault on America's heartland last month, bringing the good people of Iowa right down the rainbow drain with them. Not to mention, the original Bobbsey Twins of sin, Massachusetts and Connecticut, who first fell victim to the devil's handiwork by legalizing unholy unions of sin (or as liberals call it, same-sex marriage) in 2004 and 2008, respectively.

Even little ol' Washington, DC couldn't resist the wily charms of allowing two people to marry each other not for propagation alone but love, sweet love. Okay, well not exactly to marry but to at least have their god-forsaken matrimony honored when away from the Sodom and Gomorrah they call home and in the confines of the nation's capital.

Hey, how else do you expect a swampy, non-state with no voting rights to contribute to the downfall of society?

America, Meet Your Newest Resident "Expert" Sarah Barracuda Palin!

Well, well look who just went out and earned herself a little expert title while we weren't looking. None other than ice princess Sarah Palin, governor of America's resource-rich Russian watchdog, the great state of Alaska!

So you can imagine how delighted House Republican Whip Eric Cantor was to welcome Miss Palin as the newest shining member of the National Council for a New America's esteemed panel of experts.

An illustrious mix of rising Republican stars, leaders, and longtime GOP movers and shakers committed to solving problems with the "common-sense conservative solutions" Americans need and want. Even if they don't know it. Or vote for it.

Yes, this "who's who" list includes such notables GOP heavyweights as:

Governor Haley "Fat Man From Mississippi" Barbour
Governor Jeb "But, I'm Not W" Bush
Governor Bobby "Volcano Monitoring Is For Jerks" Jindal
Senator John "Meghan Is My Daughter" McCain
Governor Mitt "Mormons Are Sexy, Too" Romney

Throw in Alaskan superstar Sarah "Africa Is A Country" Palin and you my friends have a panel of experts ready to welcome Americans from all walks of life to join in the important discussion on how to keep America great by desperately clinging on to tired half-truths, baseless fears, and long-held prejudices.

Together, the National Council for a New America can fight this evil disease called progress and restore America's rightful place as the most awesome, freedom-loving, terrorist-torturing, CO2-polluting environmental disaster the world has ever seen!

Bush To Texas: Et Tu, Longhorns?

Even Cowboys Get The Blues

Aww, Texas, not you too! George W. Bush may not give a damn what the rest of America thinks, but the fact that Texas' onetime favorite son is now about as popular as a swine flu-infected Mexican just about breaks ol' Dubya's little Lone Star heart.

Sure, the Texas GOP provided W with the necessary experience as governor, much of the money, and more than 10 percent of the electoral votes needed to put George W. Bush in the White House and keep him there for two hell-raising, hook 'em terms. But that doesn't mean they're responsible for him now that he's become as popular as the one Jewish family in Corpus Christi.

You see, loyalty only goes so far around here. Thanks to the "toxic" environment Dubya's created for the state's GOP, Republicans don't want to touch the guy with a ten-foot stick.

"There’s no reason for anyone at this point to embrace the former president...People have their own battles to fight. Why would they want to go back and try to defend torture or anything else? Why would we go back and try to defend the guy who doubled the debt in the last eight years?”

Fair enough. Better to just secede and be done with it. But, just remember if you go, you're taking Georgey boy with you!

Republicans Vow To Stop Obama's Appointment Of Someone Completely Reasonable To The Nation's Highest Court

Brady Bunch Or Barry's Bench?

Oooh, this is gonna be fuuuuunnnn! Justice David Souter's surprise exit from the Supreme Court means a new appointment for Barry and that, my friends, means yet another wild Republican showdown. Yay!

Although the Republicans won't know the specific reason they oppose his choice until he actually names a replacement, they do know it will be terrible. That's why they're gearing up for a take-no-prisoners battle, unlike the world has ever seen. And believe you me, they'll come up with something. Even if they have to make it up.

A special crack-squad of GOP researchers is already combing through the records of potential nominees, hoping to find something, anything, to knock that damn presidential thorn-in-their side, Barack Hussein Obama, off his little hope-train express.

Nothing invigorates moping Republicans like a good partisan fight fueled by hate not facts. And helplessness. Both of which happen to be strong supply right now!

So while the GOP prepares for an all out war over the "liberal" and "activist" choices Obama is going to make, conservative groups like the Judicial Confirmation Network fired the first shots:

"The current Supreme Court is a liberal, judicial activist court...If Obama holds to his campaign promise to appoint a Justice who rules based on her own ‘deepest values’ and what's in her own ‘heart’ – instead of what is in the Constitution and laws — he will be the first American President who has made lawlessness an explicit standard for Supreme Court Justices."

Gasp! With the defection of Arlen Specter to the Democrats and Al Franken's victory in Minnesota all but official, there's nothing the dwindling Grand Old Party can do now to save America from a Supreme Court bench full of baby-murdering, gay-loving potheads.

Don't say they didn't warn you!

DC Bids Farewell To One Of Its Most Eligible Bachelors, Justice David Souter!

Sound the alarms, America! Justice David Souter is retiring. Yes, one of the many Supreme Court Justices you've never heard of has decided to call it quits at the spry, young age of 69, which is really like tween in justice years.

So, if Souter isn't leaving cause he's too old or too sick or just can't stand the idea of looking at Scalia's ugly mug for one more second, why on God's green earth is our dear Justice departing?

Turns out, the man hates our fair capital city and even though he's thankful for the twenty years he's spent having "the world's best job in the world's worst city," it is time to for Mr. Souter to reunite with his first love, the state of New Hampshire.

It's where all hip, liberal former Supreme Court justices go to live out the rest of their wild "most eligible bachelor" days in robeless peace and obscurity. You never know, he may even switch from fountain pen to ball point. After all, you only live once!