Comrades Barry & Medvedev Share Burgers 'N Fries, While Russia Orders A Side Of Secret Soviet Spies

Ooooooh, spies! And not just any old spies but real, live scary-sexy RUSSIAN SPIES right here in the American-as-apple-pie posh neighborhoods of the elitist, arugula-eating Northeast.

Soviet comrades turned latte-sippin' professional yuppies in American suburbia. Welcome to the new Desperate Housewives of New York, New Jersey, Virginia, and Massachusetts, Ruski Spy Edition!

An F.B.I. investigation that began at least seven years ago culminated with the arrest on Sunday of 10 people in Yonkers, Boston and northern Virginia. The documents detailed what the authorities called the “Illegals Program,” an ambitious, long-term effort by the S.V.R., the successor to the Soviet K.G.B., to plant Russian spies in the United States to gather information and recruit more agents.  

Oh no-zees! All this super secret spy stuff on the heels of Barack Obama and Russian Puppet President Dmitri Medvedev clinking non-poison laced champagne glasses, and even more recently, Obama treating Medvedev to a perfectly proper, greasy, fat-filled American lunch date at Ray's Hell Burger, where the two casually munched on good, patriotic meat patties topped with melted cheese and tucked (stealthily?) between two, white starchy sesame buns, smothered in their condiments of choice (cheddar cheese, onion, lettuce, tomato and pickles for O, cheddar, onion, jalapenos and mushrooms for M). Hmmm, wonder why no mustard (gas?) for either. Could be significant...the CIA is probably already on it.

Things went so well, they even shared an order of fries, proving without a doubt that the two are officially BFF!

Or so we thought! Until DA-DA-DA-DA-DUM, the Justice Department drops an atomic bomb on the world, announcing the break up of a major Russian spy ring operating right near Ray's Hell Burger, as well as cozy, upscale communities in New York, and even along the bustling shores of New Jersey's favoritest export, a glowing orange dwarf named Snooki!

Hooray, the Cold War is back: HOTTTTTT and awesomer than ever!

The AP reports that eight of the ten were arrested for "allegedly carrying out long-term, deep cover assignments in the United States on behalf of Russia," while two others were "allegedly participating in the same Russian intelligence program within the United States."

One message from bosses in Moscow, in awkward English, gave the most revealing account of the agents’ assignment. “You were sent to USA for long-term service trip,” it said. “Your education, bank accounts, car, house etc. — all these serve one goal: fulfill your main mission, i.e. to search and develop ties in policymaking circles and send intels [intelligence reports] to C[enter].”

And even though they looked like the hotties and housewives on Wisteria Lane, that doesn't mean these guys didn't act like crazy, hard-ass Russian 007 agents when the neighbors tucked in for the night, promptly after the pots 'n pans were washed and dried, once the cover of darkness was upon them.

Criminal complaints filed in Federal District Court in Manhattan on Monday read like an old-fashioned cold war thriller any episode from Season 1-6 of Desperate Housewives:

Spies swapping identical orange bags as they brushed past one another in a train station stairway. An identity borrowed from a dead Canadian, forged passports, messages sent by shortwave burst transmission or in invisible ink. A money cache buried for years in a field in upstate New York.

They also used cyber-age technology, embedding coded texts in ordinary-looking images posted on the Internet, and communicated by having two agents with laptops containing special software pass casually as messages flashed between them.

The spies were so embedded in U.S. culture (and each other!) that they even acted just like regular, boring preppy white suburbanites, pairing off to make whole yuppie families complete with a few kiddies, well-manicured lawns, and a large white picket fence. We're talking, the whole nine yards!

But not even super-secret agent couples are immune to the pitfalls of following the same dreary, chrysanthemum-lined path as so many other young, upwardly mobile professionals who give up their hip city apartments for the perceived American dream of the good life in a hoity-toity, fancy house in the 'burbs:

As the years went by, that arrangement sometimes led to friction, the complaint said, citing an acrimonious exchange of encrypted messages between a pair of alleged agents living under the names Richard and Cynthia Murphy. The couple, who have allegedly operated in the United States since the mid-1990s, decided in 2008 to move from an apartment in Hoboken to a house in Montclair, N.J. — leading to an argument over whether they or the S.V.R. would own it.

The agents eventually dropped the argument, writing: “We are under the impression that C. views our ownership of the house as a deviation from the original purpose of our mission here. We’d like to assure you that we do remember what it is. From our perspective, purchase of the house was solely a natural progression of our prolonged stay here. It was a convenient way to solve the housing issue, plus to ‘do as the Romans do’ in a society that values home ownership.”

C'mon Moscow! Did your really expect them to pass up the chance to be an actual U.S. homeowner with  fancy-$hmancy mortgages. Does Vlad have any idea how difficult that is to do, in this terrible borrowing climate??

Almost as hard as clandestinely operating Russian spies masquerading as Mr. and Mrs. Smith for the last 15 years!

"The magnitude, and the fact that so many illegals were involved, was a shock to me,” said Oleg D. Kalugin, a former K.G.B. general and ex-Soviet spy who now is an American citizen living in Washington. “It’s a return to the old days, but even in the worst years of the cold war, I think there were no more than 10 illegals in the U.S., probably fewer.”

OMG, and that was like even before Jan Brewer's brilliant 'round up the darkies plan! Quick, someone get the governor on the line, and tell her they need Aryanzona's "Adiós Amigos" law removing the undesirables from their neck of the woods. But, unlike in her parched home state, these illegals aren't typically chocolatey-hued and packed into pickup trucks, wearing sombreros and blasting La Bamba.

But national security stuff aside, what the hell were they actually doing this whole, freakin' time, other than exchanging secret IM's using free wifi at local coffeehouses in their hush hush quest to discover what drives the American elitist power structure, like homeowning?

Hmmm, who knows? But by that token, what the hell have you people been doing these last 15 years, besides letting this beautiful, wondrous country turn into a secret Commie playground for Boris and Natasha?

If only the 11 spies had grown morbidly obese, thrown on ratty, torn Jesus Saves t-shirts, covered themselves in tattoos, run around waving swastika-peppered handmade signs, and constantly threatened to kill the terrible black Socialist president and/or blow up the DEMONcrats in Congress, nobody would have ever been the wiser.

I mean George W. Bush peered into Putin's freakin' soul and he still didn't learn anything.

Lest, of course, they started winning gold medals in figure skating at every Winter Olympics, nuking oil spills in the Gulf, and/or shooting the (Arctic) breeze while shooting wild beasts with Sarah Palin from her famous front porch in Wasilla.

Then maybe people would have started getting suspicious.

Or Nyet.

Woohoo! Steve Forbes And Rich America Rejoice Over The Death Of Robert Byrd & Hopefully Finance Reform Too!

Malcolm Stevenson "Steve" Forbes, Jr, aka Steve Forbes, the snooty, silver-spoon fed son of inherited wealth and former Republican Presidential candidate no one remembers (pssst: he wasn't that good!) is once again in the spotlight for being ummm, well, the petty, pampered heir of the famed Forbes publishing empire, and mouthpiece for all of Mega-Rich Corporate America. Yay?

Well, Mr. Moneybags Forbes over here is absolutely tickled pink (but not gross gay pink!) to hear the wonderful news that 150-year old ancient fossil and longest serving member in the history of Congress, West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd has finally kicked the ol' bucket. Phew! Dude was taking forever to die!

Because now that Byrd's ol' creaking bones are no longer around to ruin everything for everyone (or at least for those with billion dollar trust funds from daddy), America's fine banking institutions are once again free to screw over as many dumb, schmucky Americans as their cold, little hearts desire, without even having to worry about the big, bad government poking their stupid, consumer-protecting noses all over the place.

Hooray!

Steve Forbes is sooooooo ecstatic that Robert Byrd is dead that he just couldn't wait for the old man's body to turn cold before sharing the "good news" with all his fellow corporate billionaires, media moguls, Wall Street fat cats, and Grand Obstructionist Pals on his favoritest Twitter!

Yes, sir-ee, Forbes got his grave-dancing boots on and he's not ashamed to let the whole world know it! And not just because Steve's jealous that a dead 92-year-old Robert Byrd is still a more appealing, viable presidential candidate than he is, either!

Because now that Byrd is cooked (ha ha, sucker!), the prospects for financial reform may be buried with the ol' bastard too!

Mwwahahahahaha!

In fact, the only thing better than sayin' Bye Bye Byrdie would be if every other Democrat in the Senate also died, and maybe Scott Brown too, if Mr. Cosmo is even so much as thinking about voting in favor of regulating Wall Street.

They're perfectly capable of (not) doing that all by themselves, thank you very much!

Better stick to your other job wowing the ladies as a birthday suit coverboy, if you know what's good for you, Scotty!

And Steve Forbes will go back to his other job gleefully gettin' jiggy wit it on old men's graves in 140 thrilled characters or less, as Rich America's #1 classiest ghoul, and fearless defender of the only thing deader than Byrd's corpse, financial reform, and Forbes' flat tax:

His presidential chances, of course!

Besides, Steve's already done all the financial reforming America needs by wasting millions of dollars on his own two epically-failed presidential campaigns. For Freedom!

Or at least the freedom to be a complete douchebag and the sleaziest Grand Oil Puppet since Joe Barton, Joe Wilson, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, EVER!

The Beat Goes On: The Still Pumping (Though Still Not Feeling) "Heart" Of Deadeye Dick

There may be ten (declassified?) ways America's former Vice President of Doom Darth Vader Dick Cheney can kill you, and likely rip your-still beating heart right out of your chest, but oddly enough, there only seems to be one way to kill him, err at least try. But, much like his eight-year reign of hell, even offing the bastard doesn't seem to have a very high success rate.

Which is a darn shame, too! Guess you can't always get what you want?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been admitted to George Washington University Hospital due to unspecified discomfort. The 69-year-old conservative has a history of heart disease and surgery, including a bypass 22 years ago, which didn’t end the problem; Cheney suffered his fifth heart attack since age 37 six months ago. Nine years ago, doctors installed a pacemaker, and just two years ago, he received an electric shock treatment to restore a normal rhythm to his heart. This time, Cheney simply reported some discomfort and has been admitted for the weekend to undergo testing.

Oh irony of ironies! When we, the schmucky public, simply reported feeling some unspecified discomfort during his almost decade long terror spree, we too were admitted to a secure location to undergo testing.

Main difference being, of course, that our secure location wasn't a renowned, cozy hospital in metropolitan D.C., but a secret terrorist compound in scary, remote Guantanamo Bay. And our testing consisted not of state-of-the-art computers gently monitoring our tired, overworked hearts, but wires strapped to our testicles and/or other delicate parts, not-so-gently measuring how much pain living persons can withstand before passing out unconscious.

All this before being promptly resuscitated with a continuous bath of ice-cold Evian 'til we, gasping for air, and positive we were drowning, begged for sweet mercy, blindfolded and strapped upside down to a wooden table, in some creepy prison cell in Communist Cuba.

Oh yeah, and another tiny difference is those "patients" never came back. Must have been all the first-class, one-on-one medical attention given to 'em!

This maniac, on the other hand, keeps going and going and going and going...

Sort of like the Energizer bunny. If the lovable pink li'l bugger was really a demonic sociopath with a permanent sneer and a sick fetish for making people squeal like stuck little piggies, who scoffs at mortal things like five heart attacks (for freedom!) all before the spry age of 69.

Ha ha, you're gonna need to bring more than a handful of major organ failures (pussy!) to turn this red hot Dick cold and flaccid.

Dude didn't even come out in daylight during his vice-presidential tenure ruining America; it was only after NObama became The Decider that ol' Dick decided unleash his adorable mug and soothing, melodious voice 24/7 on the unsuspecting public like some never-ending, Barry-bashing nightmare.

"Am I the evil genius in the corner that nobody ever sees come out of his hole? It's a nice way to operate, actually," Cheney joked, mocking his nickname "Darth Vader" during a 2004 interview.

Unlike those other lame, weak-kneed Republicans with silly consciences who acknowledged mistakes were made after 9/11, and expressed doubts about unlawful, indefinite detentions and/or torturing terror suspects in U.S. custody, Dick didn't so much as think twice.

"I feel very good about what we did. I think it was the right thing to do. If I was faced with those circumstances again, I'd do exactly the same thing," he said.

Oh, Dick! They sure don't call you that for nothing!

Hell, even heart attacks are scared sh*tless of this lunatic freak of nature.

Sure, it may be true that only the good die young. But only the Epically Evil defy death five times since disco was cool and and a straight man could look sexy in skin-tight hiphuggers, while wiggling his hips and thrusting one finger into the air, up and down across his body.

And judging by his body of work twisted trail of death and destruction, looks like this Dick's got a good 50-plus years ahead of him.

Assuming he is comprised of actual oxygen, carbon, inorganic salts, lipids, carbohydrates, billions of cells, nucleic acids, and other trace elements, not poisonous gas, crude oil, corporate power, various machinery, fat gobs of blubber, pure bitterness and unbridled rage.

On the bright side, his corpulent hide could be the exact plug we've been looking for to stop that darn leaking hole in the gulf.

Something tells me he won't mind. After all, he's always been a huge fan of gushing water-based solutions to problems.

Not to mention, all that oil helps keep his artificial body parts free of corrosion, rust, and those awful squeaks, squeals, and screeches.

Ugh, those noises can be so unpleasant when coming from places other than human mouths!

Foot, Meet Mouth: Six Reasons Why The GOP Doesn't Need Deep Sea Oil Rigs To Spew Toxic Goo From Gaping Holes

If you thought BP was the only one spillin' baby spillin' toxic oily goo uncontrollably out of big, leaking holes, think again my friends!

Never underestimate the Grand Oil Puppets' uncanny ability to take a national disaster of epic proportions, and use the tragedy for their own personal and political gain by saying something even more flammable, noxious, and vomit-inducing than millions of gallons of luxurious crude oil pouring into America's once thriving coastal shores.

Ladies and germs, I present you with the top six slick GOP oil spill slip-ups, not involving dead marine mammals and/or feathered carcasses washin' up along America's now deadly beaches, but rather thick gunk oozing from the deep wells between their noses and chins.

Drum roll, please!

1. Rand Paul
Rand Paul has gone AWOL from the lamestream media, likely because every time he opens his big fat trap to anyone with a mic, he ends up saying something awful about how (even though he's not racist or anything, and loooooves the Civil Rights Act of 1964), the big bad govern'ent should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing nice, American businesses to not be terrible and racist. Like, if Woolworth's wants to force black people to eat at separate lunch counters and/or put up a big, ol’ Whites Only sign on their front door, who is the dumb, stupid evil government to tell 'em otherwise?

Same goes for that terrible NObama pesterin' the good folks over at BP who want nothing more than to be left to their own noble oil-dumpin', marine-destroyin' devices!

"What I don't like from the president's administration is this sort of, 'I'll put my boot heel on the throat of BP,'" Paul said in an interview with ABC's Good Morning America. "I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business."

Why, America hasn't been this unpatriotic since rudely throwing off the nice British yoke back in 1776, around the time "Doctor" Rand Paul's beliefs were actually still fashionable. Umm, can you say Rand Paul for President of America? Errr, better make that of pure, white America...you can go ahead and keep dem coloreds to yourself, we're sure ol' Rand won't mind one Libertarian bit.

2. Michele Bachmann
Everyone's favorite unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a thing or two 'bout takin' a terrible tragedy and turnin' it into a golden wingnut opportunity to blast that no-good half-black Kenyan Devil in the White House for taking a completely irresponsible "hands off" approach to the oil crisis on "DAY ONE" when they should have been all over that sh*t, like umm, well, British Petroleum on American beaches.

Ol' Minnesota blue eyes simply does not understand why the government was "nowhere to be found" after the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded (pssst, Michele you have to actually open your eyes, not rely on the power of Jesus to see) since in reality, Obama and Co., arrived within hours of the disaster. But no one knows better than Bachmann what a drag truth and facts can be, not to mention, they are inherently un-American and against the Constitution in her head.

Which is why she would like to know just why on God's (once-green) Earth the government hadn't put on their Socialist Scuba gear and "commandeered" privately-owned boats to "deal with that oil plume as it was coming up to the water."

Oh, Michy why don't you be a dear, throw on the ol' flippers and wetsuit, and dive on down to Deepwater to plug that darned hole with your own perfectly capable, freshly manicured, Christ-guided hands. Don't worry, your makeup is water resistant (and animal-tested!) plus there's no gross slimy fish, or living creatures of any sort to bother you on your way down to the dark abyss below.

Just think of it as a practice run for your next eternal plunge to the dank netherworld far beneath the surface of the Earth. Don't forget to say hi to your hero and favoritest freedom fighter while you're there. No, not Jesus of Nazareth, silly! Your other savior, Hitler of Bavaria!
 
3. Sarah Palin
When not tweetbookin' bout drillin' baby drillin', America's beloved former half-term Governor of tundras and moose is busy blamin' baby blamin' the usual suspects like extreme greenies and other hippie-dippie environmental enemies of Mother Earth for spillin, baby spillin' up 'n down America's shores.

Maybe for her next great, Pulitzer-worthy piece of American literature, $arah Palin can write all about how she single-handedly plugged the darn hole usin' nothin' but her magical diamond-encrusted, cotton-tipped, Jesus-blessed hockey stick and a hearty dose of that good, ol' fashioned can-do 'merican spirit.

Miss Bachmann better get goin' lest some other brainless beauty from the snowy north beat her to the bottom and steal her heroic, oil-pluggin' thunder! They don't call her the Barracuda for nuthin'! Wink, wink!

4. Haley Barbour
Fat, dumb Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour isn't one to dwell on silly, insignificant little mistakes of the past, like enslaving an entire race to keep cotton costs low. It was simply savvy business maneuvers and everyone (or at least 3/5ths) knows what is good for business is good for America, slavery included! No thanks to those no-good Northern Aggressors always tryin' to tell decent Southern folk how to build up their economy, without even chaining human beings to the bottom of boats and giving them the unique, one-of-a-kind opportunity to be sold at bargain basement prices to the highest bidder. A real steal!

Same goes for silly li'l nothing oil spills, which Barbour knows is nothing like Exxon-Valdez (ugh, sounds Mexicany), but more like delicious caramel mousse, harmless toothpaste, and the pretty fuel sheen surrounding speed boats.

"We don't wash our face in it, but it doesn't stop us from jumping off the boat to ski," Barbour said.

Of course, the biggest threat to Mississippi's coast has been the arugula eating elitist mainstream media's coverage of the spill, givin' people the wrong  impression that "the coast from Florida to Texas is ankle-deep in oil, which is of course very, very bad for our tourist season," the most importantist thing in the world!

"It may be hard for the viewer to understand but the worst thing for us has been how our tourist season has been hurt by the misperception of what is going on down here. The Mississippi Gulf Coast is beautiful. As I tell people, the coast is clear, come on down!"

"Come on down here and play golf, enjoy the beach, catch a fish and pay a little sales tax while you're here," he said.

Just don't forget your hazmat suits, goo-gone, protective goggles, and industrial size bucket to put all the delicious oil-infused fish you catch scoop up from the beach.

But remember those babies sure do burn, so use caution when tossin' the day's catch on the barbie, or you may have your very own Deepwater explosion right in your own backyard. For America, wooohooo!

5. John Boehner
House Minority Leader John Boehner is just thankful something besides his face has finally turned a oddly glowing, likely toxic, unnatural shade of orange even if it is America's entire Gulf Coast, that he is ready to let bygones be bygones. Enough of this petty blame game (except when directed towards those who deserve it like DEMONcrats and/or NObama)!

It is time to move forward and act like responsible, mature adults when flip-flopping and contradicting oneself in order to simultaneously appease Big Oil, the overlords in the Chamber of Commerce, and of course the nagging public who keep cryin' poor every time the GOP tries to take their hard-earned taxpayer money to pay for the greasy death 'n destruction their their awesome, slick, hands-off deregulation of beloved oil conglomerates caused. Whoops!

Hey, nobody's perfect right?

Err, except the world's greatest oil company, and most skilled man-made disaster cleanup crew ever assembled: no, not BP, the Glowing Orange Party, of course!

6. Joe Barton

Which naturally brings us to our final Southern fried f**k up, good ol' Joe Barton of good ol' Texas. A wondrous, brilliant man whose world-famous apology to the poor, misunderstood CEO of BP Tony Hayward is only one small piece of this man's stellar record of public service.
Besides the Saints and Samaritans at BP, no one stands up for the rights of the "small people" more than Grand Old Pariah, fightin' Joe Barton. And by small people, we of course mean the poor, innocent victims of NObama's evil $20 billion government shakedown, forced to pay out of their own endless pockets to cover the hefty costs of covering an entire ocean with delicious crude oil, imported all the way from Britain! Is this any way to treat a guest??

"I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case a $20 billion shakedown," Barton said. "I'm only speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for anybody else. But I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, is subject to to some sort of political pressure that is, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize."

I mean what kind of world would it be, if every time some greedy, out-of-control oil conglomerate tries to get sinfully rich by destroying an entire ecosystem, they're actually held responsible for their reckless actions turning boring blue to luscious black?

Why that sounds like a nightmare, a hellish doomsday vision that Joe Barton for one, wants no part of and nothing, I said, nothing, is gonna change ever change that, ever!

He has principles, people! The kind that may top kill Flipper, Flounder, and every last coastal fisherman's livelihood, but doesn't stop spillin' baby spillin' the only kind of green worth anything (it ain't algae!) right into his big, fat, oily fingers.

What's that you say?? Oh, ooops, we're terribly sorry!

Smithers, get this man a napkin, on the double! For Christ's sake, he's got some very important tweetin' to do and doesn't need any greasy smudge stains or oily fish remains screwing up his fine, wisdom-filled, 140 character-limited, apology-laden messages.

Joe is perfectly capable of doing that all by his own greasy, toxic, limited character self!

And unlike BP, he doesn't even need to dive several miles beneath the sea to plug the gaping hole uncontrollably spewing toxic waste.

God purposely located it for maximum plugging convenience. In case of emergency, like say, whenever he opens his mouth.

Bristol Palin Is Taking A Break From Her Abstinence Crusade To Be The Yo-Yo Ma Of Bad After-School Specials

Like OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Twitterific news about America's favoritest knocked-up, unwed teenage hero and world-famous abstinence crusader, the voice of an entire generation (no, no not Kanye!), Bristol Palin??

Turns out, the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin was soooooooo successful in her very important public service announcement warning horny, young teens across the US of A about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty decide to get drunk, whip out the hooha, and make maverick sexytime every time Mama's off huntin' liberals, or on another one of her get-rich-quick tours in the mainland, that Hollywood has once again come-a-callin!

And Lord knows when Tinseltown calls, you betcha Bristol's pickin' up the phone! Like, duh!

Fresh off her Academy Award-deserving sexytime service announcement warning poor people to pause before having abortions, THE Bristol Palin will make her prime-time Hollywood debut on the new show The Secret Life of the American Teenager coming July 5th.

Oooh sounds sexy!

And what better way to celebrate America's freedom (from poor dental hygiene and terrible World Cup goalies) than with another sublime performance by legendary teenage baby mama Bristol Palin on America’s favorite and family-valuesiest teevee network, ABC Family?

Judging by the wonderful clip pre-released to the public, this one's got Emmy written all over it. I don't know if there is a time limit (like say, a one minute cut-off), but if there was ever a 38-second masterpiece, this baby is it!

Bristol: "Do you have a son or a daughter?"
Bristol look-alike: "I have a son."
Bristol: "Me too."
Look-alike: "Um, how did you know I had a baby, (nervous laughter)...and, and you have a son?"
Bristol: "We're all teen moms...and musicians!"
Look-alike: "Everyone in this program?"
Bristol: "The program is for teen moms!"
Look-alike: "So I didn't get here on my own?
Bristol: "Haha, of course you did!" "You're the world's greatest french horn player and I am Yo-Yo Ma...C'mon, we have to get going."

I know, I know, mesmerizing! You would have to be dead or a zombie (Bristol acting?) to not be positively blown away by this superb gift of acting genius that Bristol and ABC Family have so generously unleashed upon the good 'merican people!

It is so patriotic and thoughtful of Bristol to educate the whole, wide world about teenage moms who are also musicians at music camp, and all the awesome, fun stuff they do (that is, once the little rascal slipped the hell out of the ol' uterus) together like raising li'l miracles of God, all the while making beautiful music that pierces the soul!

Of course, sweet Bristol had no trouble memorizing all those difficult lines, since "I'm Yo-Yo Ma" is exactly what she tells li'l Trigger (Tripp knows who his mama is) every day, when the lamestream media's not around to blow up her spot.

Speaking of blowing, too bad Bristol had to play some weirdo Commie Red cellist Yo-Yo Ma or Blah or whatever, instead of what she really wanted to be, the world's greatest French Horn player!

She could have really used the practice. Would have saved her a heckuva lot of trouble! Like 9 whole months!

Plus another 18 years.

Like Crude Oil On Marine Mammals, Rep. Joe Barton Sticks To The Sage Words Of Rep. Joe Barton

When Joe Barton felt the sweet, seductive allure of those fifteen minutes of hot, sexy oil-soaked fame, he just couldn't resist! It felt soooooo good finally getting the attention for once, and having people listen to him instead of that orange Boehner for a change. Now, there's a change Joe can certainly believe in!

You know what else Joe "BP" Barton can believe in? Delicious oil! And not just any delicious oil, but ooodles and oodles of delicious British Petroleum, spillin' good, old fashioned grease all over America's once-pristine, life-filled shores en route to spillin' good old fashioned dollar bills right into Joe's grease-stained wallet.

And this time, he's not apologizing or even apologizing for apologizing about being an actual oil industry millionaire whore who feels terrible for all the headaches America caused BP by allowing the oil company to destroy the entire Gulf of Mexico, and then forcing it to pay for all the death and destruction like some enslaved janitor in Hitler's Nazi regime.

Or something like that...

And now that GOP leadership has taken the appropriate disciplinary actions (public scoldings, secret high-fives!), followed by a light slap on his chunky wrist, and a few fun minutes pretending he was actually going to lose his spot as the ranking Republican on the powerful House Energy Committee (ha ha, puh-lease!), isn't time we move on? For America and Freedom!

Because what America needs now isn't more insincere apologies (or sincere unapologies) from fat Texas oil men, whose tiny, frozen hearts break for the inconvenience this terrible Nazi government has caused BP in their noble quest to destroy America's ecosystem, economy, and once-thriving marine wildlife, as payback for that little tea incident back in 1773, when the GOP was still vibrant, fresh, and relevant.

What America needs is to move forward, forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones!

Don't we owe it to Joe Barton? Don't we owe it to our poor, oil-drenched selves?

Following a closed-door meeting of Republicans today, House Minority Leader Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio, told reporters that Barton apologized to fellow GOP lawmakers for his “poor choice of words” and the “issue is closed,” The Hill reports.

HOORAY, the issue is closed, shut, finito! And Joe Barton is, of course, deeply sorry from the bottom of his cold, oil-filled heart for his "poor choice of words" because what he really meant to say was "WHO THE HELL IS THIS BLACK DEVIL IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND WHY IS HE TAKING ALL THE MONEY FROM THIS NICE BRITISH COMPANY ALL BECAUSE THEY MURDERED FLIPPER, PILLAGED OUR RESOURCES, AND RAPED OUR ENVIRONMENT, WHILE GETTING FILTHY RICH TURNING OUR COASTAL SHORES INTO FILTHY, OIL-SLICKED DEATH TRAPS, WITH NARY A SHRIMP TO CALL ITS OWN?"

Quick, someone alert the Democrats that the issue is "officially closed" so Joe Barton doesn't end up in every Democratic campaign ad showing how awesome and caring the Grand Oil Puppets are, and how they would treat a reckless, out-of-control oil conglomerate spillin' baby spillin' all over America, whose dirty money they depend on, if they were in charge.

You think BP's $20 billion escrow fund was a government "shakedown" just wait til you see what the GOP would do to those damn fisherman! Shakedown, hahaha, they'd freakin' hurricane those poor boating bastards.

Oooh, but wait! There's more good news for the GOP: The lamestream media is reporting that two more people just died working on the containment(?) effort, and the well is suddenly gushing TONS MORE crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Which means it is the absolute perfect time to ensure Joe Barton's position as the highest ranking Republican and dirtiest oil industry shill on the House energy committee.

According to a new Public Policy Poll:

Texans think that Barack Obama’s right and Joe Barton’s wrong when it comes to BP’s responsibility for cleaning up the oil spill, and a plurality of voters in the state think Barton should lose his leadership post on the Energy and Commerce Committee. The episode is also having a negative impact on how Texas voters perceive Barton overall.

Yay!! The Republicans really don’t want to win the House. Governing can be sooooooo annoying, anyway.

Will someone please get Joe Barton off the Twitter and into a Mystic Spray tanning bed so he can be our next awesome, oddly glowing Republican Speaker of the House and continue his selfless work unapologizing for apologizing for his apology, which he never really meant in the first place.

America could really use a slick unclogged mind as crystal clear and fresh as our coastal shores used to be.

Ya know, to really shake things up down.

Gen. Stanley McChrystal Turns On The Real Enemies: The Lame, Non-War Loving Wimps In The White House

Oh no-zees! Did you hear the wild, earth-shattering news broken by that liberal elitist rag for hippie-dippie stoners and druggie rockstars, Rolling Stone?

No, no not what Lady Gaga wasn't wearing under her latest hideous ensemble that fashion experts are calling some sort of "dress."

The one about that psychotic commanding officer of all U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal whose obnoxious, petty, schoolgirl statements to Rolling Stone may just have cost his skinny, traitorous ass his job overseeing our entire "Kill Muslims" operation in the parched desert mountains of Tora Bora. Crazy, I know!

I mean who knew Rolling Stone still existed as an actual published magazine, read by real carbon-based, oxygen breathing human subscribers!?!

Well, turns out one of their intrepid reporters was taken off his very important Kei$ha beat to go to bumblef**k Afghanistan to get the scoop on all those He-Man GI Joe military macho types running around huntin' for Taliban and Osama bin Laden while spending their spare time bashing the recently elected DEMONcratic Obama administration, and all the arugula-eating liberal pussies prancing around the Oval Office in their silk robes and bunny slippers who comprise it.

Especially that no-good, terrible, weak Commander-in-Chief, Barack Hussein NObama who was “uncomfortable and intimidated” during a meeting with a bunch of generals.

"It was a 10-minute photo op,” said an adviser to McChrystal. “Obama clearly didn’t know anything about him, who he was. Here’s the guy who’s going to run his fucking war, but he didn’t seem very engaged. The Boss was pretty disappointed."

Wait, Bruce Springsteen was at the White House??

Oh, you mean their Boss man, the "Runaway General" Stan McChrystal Meth, I get it now!

Ha ha, what kind of loser nerd doesn't feel completely relaxed and totally at ease around a bunch of hot headed, career fatigues sportin' AK-47s strapped across their chests, whose professional goals include trying to kill as many dark skinned, turban-wearing people as is (in)humanly possible.

Probably a big gay wad that's who! Not as "fucking gay" as say the prospect of General Stanley "100% Pure All-Beef " McChrystal having to meet with some pansy French government officer or what not, but still!

But that's not all the meany comments McChrystal's posse of strapping, red-faced warmongers had to say about top White House officials, who don't even have the balls to go around murdering people for a living!

Like National Security Advisor James Jones who McChrystal's gang lovingly referred to as a "clown stuck in 1985" or the administration’s Afghan-Pakistan envoy, Richard Holbrooke, who one McChrystal thug aide is quoted as saying: "The Boss says he's like a wounded animal. Holbrooke keeps hearing rumors that he's going to get fired, so that makes him dangerous."

Oooh, sounds sexy!

They even make fun of Holbrooke's boring, dumb emails who no one, least of all McChrystal, ever wants to open, let alone read! It makes him feel dizzy and then his eyes start to get blurry and it looks like he's crying. And he NEVER, EVER cries under ANY circumstance, you got that? That's for girls and gays, only!

And just wait til you get a load of the hilarious stuff they said about legendary comedian and current Vice President Joe Biden, who we were under the mistaken impression is positively adored by every human being living on this planet. Not so, my friends, not so!

Asked about his feelings on the war strategy emphasized by a military NOBODY like ol' Joe, which focuses on the border region of Afghanistan and Pakistan with fewer troops and more drone attacks, Gen. McChrystal scoffed at such pussy talk, struggling to come up with a solid one-liner that would really make him look cool in front of his subordinates.

"Are you asking about Vice President Biden," Gen. McChystal reportedly jokes. "Who's that?"
And then one of his equally funny aides says, “Biden? Did you say ‘Bite me?’”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG, GET IT?? Because it like almost rhymes, and also proves they don't much care for smarty bookworm types who think of war in terms of strategy and action plans instead of blowing sh*t up and shooting Muslim motherf**kers every darn, stinkin' chance they get.

But the real question now becomes, what the hell is Barry gonna do with America's favoritest, unstable "Runaway General" who talks smack about his superiors in the White House, such as the actual President of the United States, when talking on the record to reporters at national pop culture magazines?

Of course, one would think this might be the exact time to act like an actual, reasonable adult not a childish buffoon, especially with all the scary death and destruction that usually accompanies working in a nightmarish war zone hellhole.

Well not Mr. Crazy-Ass McChrystal, whose daily grind of sleeping four hours a night, running seven miles every morning, and eating just one measly meal a day makes him less of an actual human being and more of a terrifying robot war machine. Dare I even say, a predator drone?

So, anyway Barry is lucky enough to get to go mano-y-mano with this camouflaged nutjob and explain very calmly why he is being publicly skewered and privately fired for acting like a smug third grader with severe ADHD, and a disturbing history of torturing small animals, and probably babies too.

From Rolling Stone's Runaway General:

"The dinner comes with the position, sir," explained his chief of staff, Col. Charlie Flynn.
McChrystal turns sharply in his chair.
"Hey, Charlie," he asks, "does this come with the position?"
McChrystal gives him the middle finger.

A real charmer, that Stan! How can you not love this guy?

Hopefully, President Obama will decide to send McChrystal somewhere desolate and deserted, where they welcome dangerous rogues who defy their superiors, and live for the delicious smell of scorched flesh, smart bombs, and freshly spilled blood in the morning.

Wasilla?? Or perhaps somewhere nice 'n warm like Arizona or Guantanamo, if it makes him feel more comfortable and at home?

Errr, at least as comfortable as possible for a cold-blooded assassin whose only friend is a shiny metal tube and handle that goes "BOOM!" when you pull that cute li'l button sharing the same adorable name as $arah Palin's youngest and special neediest miracle of God, Trigger!

"Besides, the public eye has never been a place where McChrystal felt comfortable: Before President Obama put him in charge of the war in Afghanistan, he spent five years running the Pentagon’s most secretive black ops."

OMG, this guy sounds like a complete and utter lunatic! Quick, someone alert Michael Steele, I think we've found the perfect Grand Old Psychopath to lead the Grand Old Party back from the brink of extinction to a place they know and love so well: the brink of war.

But thanks to dovey NObama, there probably won't even be such a thing as war anymore.

Then what will poor McChrystal do for the rest of his twilight years? Join the Peace Corps and take up crocheting?

Ugh, and to think some people actually think war is hell! Ha, more like hella awesome!!

Hilarious Future GOP President Mike Huckabee Never Met A Jew, Gay Joke, Or Heaping Plate Of Anything He Didn't Like!

Born again non-morbidly obese person Mike Huckabee has taken a hiatus from his previous job scarfing down double bacon cheeseburgers as the 400 lbs+ ex-Governor of Arkansas, to sit down with one of the hoity-toity, arugula-eating elitist magazines he's always shrieking 'bout at his current gig spewing nonsense for Fox News, to discuss some of his all-time favoritest topics like gross gay people, beautiful Jesus, and how he would totally be a Jew (go Moses!) if he weren't already an Evangelical Christian wingnut, who has taken Christ as his personal savior.

Oh, goody! Wonder if this self-proclaimed "nice guy" and God-blessed comedic talent will announce his candidacy to unseat that illegal Kenyan Socialist Barack Hussein NObama in 2012, or if he'll be too busy making hilariously offensive dirty jokes about the "ick" factor of banging gross old people and even grosser gay people?

In due time, my friends, in due time!

But first things first, what about those Jews everyone's always talkin' about, 'cept Sarah Palin who prefers twitterin' her two-sen$e in 140 nonsensical characters, indecipherable to those not born 'n raised in the abandoned meth lab of Wasilla. What about them?

“I worship a Jew!” Huckabee told the New Yorker. “I have a lot of Jewish friends, and they’re kind of, like, ‘You evangelicals love Israel more than we do.’”

Oh, hahahahahaha, so true! Errr, except for that one tiny little Jewy detail about Jesus not being the son of God, or the Messiah or anything, and not being saved when the Rapture comes as a result, but no big deal right? Heck, let's not let silly things like facts or details get in the way of a good discussion. On the bright side, they do like to kill Muslims, too, which is always a bonus!

"I’m, like, ‘Do you not get it? If there weren’t a Jewish faith, there wouldn’t be a Christian faith!'"

And then who would we persecute, slaughter, and vilify for having the blood of Christ on their hands??

Besides, if he really didn't love Israel sooooooooo much, why would he walk around wearing a yarmulke (which is a hat for Hebes, for those not as in touch with their Semitic roots as ol' Maccabee Huckabee), when it's convenient, from time to time?

“I think what I should do is convert,” Huckabee said, squinting in the sunshine. “This covers my bald spot completely.”

Oy vey! What an amazing idea Huck! Then all those other right-wing Jew-lovers throughout the heartland, who wave swastikas, buy your Jesus books, and vote for you in straw polls will be certain to keep supporting you and your wonderful work as God's true messenger and heaven-sent representative of the Chosen Ones here on Earth.

Sounds promising!

Not as promising as, say, Huck's stand-up career, but close enough!

Huckabee does deviate from Party orthodoxy on some issues. But what makes him even less predictable as a politician is his sense of humor. At times, he seems unable to resist the force of his own funniness. I joked with him once that I would write about his (fictitious) affair with Nancy Pelosi. He e-mailed back, “The only thing worse than a torrid affair with sweet, sweet Nancy would be a torrid affair with Helen Thomas. If those were my only options, I’d probably be FOR same-sex marriage!”

OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is hilaaaaaaaarious! Everyone knows Huck loves his perfectly FEMALE wife and would never, ever, nerrrver, neverrrrrrrr have an affair, but if in some wild, crazy twist of fate, he had to be a terrible gross gay, he would probably be in favor of terrible, gross gay marriage, because it is almost as sinful and evil to be unmarried as it is to be a horrible homosexual. Not quite, but almost!

There is a special place in hell for those well-dressed, limp-wristed, Lady Gaga-adoring abominations before the Lord. The Constitution in his head says so!

Which would help explain why a sweetheart like Mike would ever compare homosexuality to incest and drug addictions, or spend his days as Governor of Arkansas doing important, Godly things like eating deep-fried lard, banning gay adoptions, and preventing gays from becoming foster parents.

Just Like Jesus Would Do!

But, it's not like Huck is homophobic or anything.

“I’ve had people who worked for me who are homosexuals,” he insists. “And I don’t walk around thinking, Oh, I pity them so much. I accept them as who they are! It’s not like somehow their sin is so much worse than mine.” 

Except of course that it is! Like ten billion times worse, even!

And it is not just because he is personally repulsed by these unnatural things, like the wrong penis-to-vagina ratios, or say, an entire family of obese Southern-fried wingnuts, or anything grotesque like that.

He has called homosexuality “sinful and unnatural” and is fond of amusing audiences with the witticism “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

“I do believe that God created male and female and intended for marriage to be the relationship of the two opposite sexes,” Huckabee said in his New Yorker profile. “Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same.”

Of course, Huckabee was oh so surprised to hear that Arkansas state representative Kathy Webb, a lesbian from Little Rock, had said, “Huckabee doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of tolerance and good will for gay people.”

“It’s not personal,” he replied. “I could argue that people who want to change marriage are angry at me for wanting to keep it like it is!”

Which is of course the holy consecration of one huge, hideous man and one equally enormous woman in the eyes of God, Man, and Arkansas' fattest finest export, a one Mike Huckabee!

But what about some arguments that don't have to do with "God" or "ickiness," but rather that other made-up, nonsense concoction liberals are always squawking about, "Science?"

“There are some pretty startling studies that show if you want to end poverty it’s not education and race, it’s monogamous marriage,” he said. “Many studies show that children who grow up in a healthy environment where they have both a mother and a father figure have both a healthier outlook and a different perspective from kids who don’t have the presence of both.”

Well, well whoda thunk the key to ending poverty isn't education or even making everyone perfectly pure and white, as Huck's fellow Fox News friends would have you believe. No, no, it's to make everyone perfectly straight instead!

Of course, in light of the new, 25-year study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluding that children brought up by lesbians were actually better adjusted than their peers, one would think a sharp, scientific mind like ol' Mike would be even slightly curious to know whether allowing gay people to marry had a positive or negative effect on children and society, right?

“No, not really. Why would I be?” he said, and laughed. The ol' card!

Why, just look at the strapping paradigms of health and fitness that sprung from his sacred, bessed heterosexual loins!

One glance at his fine, hearty brood, and you'll understand where the man's coming from, too!

Other than a starring role at the circus sideshow or record-shattering performance at the local all-you-can-eat buffet!

But at least we know why Mike has such an appreciation for humor and jokes. His entire life is one! I mean, how else do you expect him to cope? God??

Ha ha, yeah right! Unless El Savior comes beer battered and deep fried, no thanks, Huck will take a pass. He just doesn't have the stomach for it!

Picture-Perfect: A Huckabee Family Portrait

Hillary Clinton Finally Gets The Hang Of Blowing Things...Like State Secrets On Ecuadorian TV!

Apparently, Hillary Clinton has learned the importance of blowing things every once in a while, because 12 years after a little reminder in the form of an eager, young intern named Monica, Hillrod has finally succumbed to the pressure and opened that nice mouth, big and wide.

Yes, Hilly blew it big time!

Turns out the usually tight-lipped half of the Clintons let the proverbial cat out of the bag when sbe very casually told an Ecuadorian television interviewer that President Obama's Justice Department will matter-of-factly be bringing a lawsuit against Arizona's immigration law, probably because it is an insane violation of our constitutional rights and a very ugly reminder of what happens when hatred and fear hijack public discourse.

Oh, but what does an old hat at State, who some may more precisely call Secretary, like her know anyway?

Aside from the ho-hum fact (yawn!) that Obama's justice department is about to go loco on Arizona's wingnut law prohibiting gross Mexicanish-looking people from inhabiting their Grand KKK Wizard Canyon State.

Contacted about Clinton's comments, State Department spokesman PJ Crowley said they simply reflected her beliefs.

"The Secretary was asked about the Arizona law during a TV interview in Ecuador," Crowley said.

"She believes that a better approach is comprehensive immigration reform, and said so. Regarding how far along the legal review is, that is a matter for the Department of Justice."

Ummm, yeah, I'm sure they'd agree too. If the damn blabbermouths in State would ever stop running their mouths all over South American teevee shows.

But nooooo! Madame Secretary just couldn't keep her big trap shut and let the big news umm, slip(?) for the whole (Mexican?) world to hear during a June 8 interview for Ecuadorean TV:

"President Obama has spoken out against the law because he thinks that the federal government should be determining immigration policy," Hillary said. "And the Justice Department, under his direction, will be bringing a lawsuit against the act."

Well, well, look at little-Miss-know-it-all now! Mentioning a closely-guarded secret before the Administration completed its public rollout strategy...How positively Bill Clinton of her!

Perhaps this slip of the ol' tongue was some revenge for ol' Hillrod, a bit of an "F-You" to Obama for stealing her rightful place as the first female Presidente of these great United States, who will say whatever she wants, whenever she feels like it, God damn it! Or maybe, it was just an honest mistake, sort of like a momentary, "I forget where I was while spilling hush-hush Justice Department secrets on Arizona's Nazi immigration law against Latinos."

Which just so happened to be in the South American country called Ecuador. Ironic, I know!

Not as ironic as, say, Arizona Governor and famed daughter of fictional Nazi-hunter Wilford Drinkwine, Jan Brewer, claiming to be "stunned" that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would dare say that the Justice Department will sue her state over its terrible, new, immigration law. But much like her freedom-fighting father before her, G.I. Jan is vowing to fight the enemy, tooth and nail!

And she's in it to win it, mis amigos!

The heroic governor blasted Clinton's remarks as  "no way to treat the people of Arizona."

We do that with a net, prodder, and one-way ticket back to Juarez! ¿Comprende?

"To learn of this lawsuit through an Ecuadorean interview with the secretary of state is just outrageous," she said. "If our own government intends to sue our state to prevent illegal immigration enforcement, the least it can do is inform us before it informs the citizens of another nation."

A terrible, no-good Latino nation, no less!

"We are going to pursue it, we're going to be very aggressive," Brewer said. "We'll meet them in court...And we will win."

Unless, another one of NObama's elitist arugula cilantro-eating activist judges like Sonia Sotomayor is presiding. Then who knows what will happen!

Maybe they'll strike down Aryanzona's "Bye, Bye Brownie" law and start deporting dried up, sun-scorched, Mexi-huntin', desert-dwellin' lady folk, whose patriotic papas died fighting a similar Nazi scourge in 1955 California, instead.

You just never know with those crazy, reverse-racist muchachas will do!

Hell, even the supposedly "trustworthy" white ones like ol' Hill spill the beans from time to time.

Just so long as they aren't of the Mexican, jumping variety, ¡no problemo!

Only Mark Kirk Is Man Enough (And Straight Enough!) To Lie About Being A Nursery School Teacher

Pop quiz: What kind of man lies about receiving distinguished military awards, his own sexuality (straight as boomerang!), and just for sh*ts and giggles, being a nursery school teacher, way back when he was just a wee college student in New York?

Give up? Why, it's none other than (closeted) Illinois Republican Senate hopeful, Mark Kirk, who loves lying almost as much as he loves stretching the truth to make himself look better, smarter, and overall more impressive than he really is.

Okay, okay, it's one thing to pretend you won the awesome Navy Intelligence Officer of the Year award instead of some lame-o, pathetic group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares about, out of a combination of insecurity and sheer embarrassment. This is almost in our realm of understanding.

But seriously people, who lies about being a freakin' nursery school teacher?? There doesn't seem to be any logical explanation, unless Mark Kirk just can't get enough of the thrilling high that comes with pretending he worked with infants still in their diapers?

No one really knows for sure. What we do know, however, is that Mr. Kirk was never in fact a "nursery school teacher," despite frequently referencing his time as such at Forest Home Chapel in Ithaca, New York, some 30 years ago.

Or at least according to a leader of the church where Mark claimed to have worked all those years ago, who says that Mr. Kirk had (once again) overstated his role there:

"He was never, ever considered a teacher," Sally Grubb, a member of the administrative council at Forest Home Chapel said in a telephone interview. "He was just an additional pair of hands to help a primary teaching person."

Well, that's almost a teacher, right? I mean he did once help build a Lincoln Log cabin with one or two of the whippersnappers while the teacher ran to the bathroom for two or three minutes this one Friday afternoon.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a soul left who actually remembers Mark Kirk's exceptional stint as the darned best pre-K finger painter and block builder the Empire State has ever seen, or not seen, as the case may be.

Eight longtime members of the church, including two former pastors, said that they did not recall having a male nursery school teacher in 1981, when Mr. Kirk said he had worked there.

“I don’t remember any men who worked there,” said Thomas V. Wolfe, a pastor at the church in 1981, who is now the dean of student affairs at Syracuse University. “It was a team of women. I used to go over every morning and have coffee with them.”

Robert A. Hill, who also served as pastor of the church in 1981 and now is dean of Marsh Chapel at Boston University, also said that he could not remember Mr. Kirk. He added, “You’re going back 30 years, so my memory is not perfectly clear, but most of the teachers were women.”

Hmmmm, now, that's odd! Unless of course Mark has another little skeleton just waiting to pop out of the closet at the most inopportune time possible.

Like maybe something along the lines of how Mark used to be Margaret when he "worked" at that nursery school, once upon a time ago, and thus could be the source of all this confusion!

“As a former nursery school and middle school teacher,” Kirk said as recently as a March speech to the Illinois Education Association. “I know some of what it takes to bring order to class.”

Some milk 'n cookies, a few minutes of storytime, and he's got those kiddies napping faster than you can say nighty, night!

“Congressman Kirk believes his time working in a nursery school and middle school provided valuable life experience,” Kirsten Kukowski, a spokeswoman for Mr. Kirk’s Senate campaign said in a statement Friday.

Like always say thank you and you're welcome, and when in doubt, just remember to lie, lie, lie. Works every time. Errr, almost every time. Uhh, once in a while. Errr, has yet to actually work. But if it does, you'll be the first to know, right after Marky does, cross his heart and hope to die, scout's honor. Deal?

But either way, Mark Kirk has just gone ahead and lost himself the hugely important infant vote. And no amount of Peek-A-Boo, Itsy Bitsy Spider, or Mary Had A Little Lamb is ever going to make up for this pathetic, pandering attempt to deceive those three-and-under.

A notoriously fickle bunch, that Huggies-and-Pampers crowd!

Surprise! Famed Congressional Punching Bag Tony Hayward Saved By Even Bigger Oil Whore Joe Barton's Apology Heard 'Round The World

Corporate troll and Grand Old Pariah, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, the ranking member of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, went out on a limb to prove he is in fact, the Grade-A douchebag everyone suspected by, wait for it...apologizing to poor BP for the terrible inconvenience America has caused the oil company for little more than covering its entire Southern coast with delicious British Petroleum and death. Like big whoop, right?

While the rest of Congress was naturally unleashing their furious wrath on the gross incompetence of BP CEO Tony Hayward, who will soon have his life back now that BP’s chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg will take over his job caring for the "small people," Rep. Joe Barton was of course begging for forgiveness from Hayward over President NObama's shameful decision to force his beautiful oil conglomerate to create a $20 billion escrow fund to pay out damages to victims of the oil spill, likely not including those currently washing up on coastal shores covered in thick toxic goo.

"I'm speaking totally for myself and I’m not speaking for the Republican Party and I’m not speaking for anybody in the House of Representatives but myself, but I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it’s a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown. In this case, a $20 billion shakedown with the Attorney General of the United States who is legitimately conducting a criminal investigation and has every right to do so to protect the interests of the American people participating in what amounts to a $20 billion slush fund that’s unprecedented in our nation’s history that’s got no legal standing and what I think sets a terrible precedent for the future."

A terrible, no-good precedent allowing a corporation as pure and beautiful as British Petroleum to be treated in such an unseemly manner by a U.S. president, an illegal, black U.S. president, no less!

That ain't how Texas rolls y'all!

But even the big business-lovin' Republicans who usually enjoy nothing more than bathing in luxurious crude oil and similar BP-provided contaminants, think their fellow Grand Oil Puppet may have gone a step too far.

Like Florida Rep. Jeff Miller, whose very city of Pensacola will soon be completely covered in greasy BP greed, negligence, and death all because Hayward and Co., decided a devastating oil rig explosion was more desirable than spending even one red cent to prevent such maritime disasters from happening in the first place.

That would make too much sen$e!

"I am shocked by Congressman Joe Barton's reprehensible comments that the government should apologize for the ‘shakedown’ of BP," Miller said. "BP has caused the greatest ecological and environmental disaster our nation has ever seen. They are the responsible party and they should pay for losses and damages, not the taxpayer. I am optimistic and hopeful that BP acted in good faith by opening the $20 million escrow account, as several of us have requested."

"Mr. Barton’s remarks are out of touch with this tragedy and I feel his comments call into question his judgment and ability to serve in a leadership on the Energy and Commerce Committee. He should step down as Ranking Member of the Committee."

Whoa, whoa, easy there, Congressman! Not his fancy shmancy committee seat!! Anything but that!! C'mon you can understand, can't you? After all, you do sit on the "same committee that sets out Republican policy and used the exact same language in opposing the administration's effort to hold BP accountable to families and small businesses of the Gulf by making BP fund a $20 billion accountability trust," don't you?

Oh, details! Never mind those. The point is that even the vile, heartless Grand Old relics in Congress realize that unfortunately, in this rare case, the lesser of the two evils happens to be our terrible, socialist president, and as such, siding with big, bad BP is not only kind of insane, PR-wise, but legally untenable, and will probably backfire and bite them all in the behinds come November. In other words, totally not worth it!

"I have said since the beginning that BP ought to be held responsible for every dime of this tragedy," John Boehner said, growing increasingly orange with every breath. "And they ought to be held accountable to stop the leak and get it cleaned up as soon as possible.”

Just like I ought to take Joe Barton, bind him to Tony Hayward using Michael Steele's trusty ropes 'n chains and drown 'em both in a vat of scalding black oil!

“What is shameful is that Joe Barton seems to have more concern for big corporations that caused this disaster than the fishermen, small-business owners and communities whose lives have been devastated by the destruction," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said.

"Congressman Barton may think that a fund to compensate these Americans is a ‘tragedy,’ but most Americans know that the real tragedy is what the men and women of the Gulf Coast are going through right now.”

And just think of what poor Tony Hayward is going through now that his lovely summer vacation has been cut short, along with the lives of every aquatic organism used to breathing through non-oil saturated gills. Bummer!

Good thing hard-hitting Democratic Reps. Bart Stupak of Michigan and Henry Waxman of California, whose staff uncovered the bulk of what’s now known about the sh*t-show known as the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, also gave it to Hayward, who is now seen as the second-worst oil whore thanks to Rep. Joe Barton's rapid ascent to the top.

“BP cut corner after corner to save a million dollars here and a few hours or days there,” Waxman said. “And now the whole Gulf Coast is paying the price.”

But, on the bright side, at least BP isn't stuck with the bill. Which should make a certain deep-oil fried Texan happier than a pig in grease, aka our coastal waters!

Blasting Hayward for his petulant, smug comment about wanting his rich, high flying, consequence-be damned, oil executive life back, Stupak said he is “more concerned than ever” with the corporate culture at BP.

“I’m sure you’ll get your life back, with a golden parachute back to England,” Stupak said.

Then maybe he can finally apologize to the Nazis on behalf of Joe Barton for inconveniencing them during World War II. He's felt terrible about it for like ages now!

Of course, when he finally got a chance to testify, and prove to the world that he really is the British version of Dick Cheney, Tony Hayward insisted his company has made strides in instituting safe operations (wink, wink!) and brushed aside claims that the Deepwater Horizon explosion occurred because of unsafe drilling procedures.

Hayward said that he thinks “it’s too early to reach conclusions” about what caused the disaster.

Though he does have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the boogie man.

“We have focused like a laser on safe and reliable operations, that is a fact,” Hayward said.

A death star laser, mwhahahahaha!

Much like the Wall Street heroes before him, and the SS officers before them, Hayward pulled the ol' "It wasn't me" and "I was just following orders" defense when facing the sharp questions from the Democratic and Republican anger bears in Congress.

Hayward said he “wasn’t involved in any of that decision making” in relation to the drilling of now-exploded well, and noted that BP drills “hundreds of wells a year all around the world.”

I mean who know all the millions of animals we've killed, and miles of open resource-filled ocean we've laid to waste by now? Who do you think we are scientists or global CEO's who actually know what we're talking about or better yet, actually give a shit? Ha ha, try that soft micro nerd with the glasses and the PC, ya wacky Americans!

Meanwhile, that other Joe who always gets into big f**king trouble for saying big stupid f**king things, Vice President Joe Biden finally got to yell at someone else for saying something outrageous and boneheaded.

"This is an entire way of life that's in jeopardy," Biden said. He said he's surprised that Barton would say he's "ashamed" because the White House is being "tough on an oil company who caused the problem." Biden added, "There's no shakedown, it's insisting on responsible conduct, [a] responsible response to something they caused."

Exactly! What's the problem!? That's the very definition of a shakedown according to the Grand Oil Party's handy pocket dictionary and A-Z guide on how to ruin a coastline, bankrupt a country, destroy an ecosystem, and kill all the goodness in the world in eight quick years or less!

In a rare joint statement, the three blind mice House GOP leaders John Boehner, Eric Cantor and Mike Pence condemned Rep. Barton's statements as wrong, and said, "The oil spill in the Gulf is this nation's largest natural disaster and stopping the leak and cleaning up the region is our top priority."

Right after we plug that other disastrous black hole in the White House, leaking common sense and intelligence all over the once-pure BP-subsidiary known as the United States of Exxon-Mobil.

Valdez sounded a little too Mexicany for their liking, don't ya think?

The Only Thing More "Schocking" Than Aaron's Outfit Is That He Claims To Be Straight!

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Like Mother, Like Son: Meg Whitman's Offspring Also Under Fire For Beating Up A Girl, Hooray!

Billionaire ex-eBay CEO Meg Whitman, who for some reason spent $71 million of her own vast fortune to win the GOP primary for the utterly unwanted job of California Governor, is naturally "qualified" for the position because of her very important work selling assorted crap to the world via the Internets for a while.

But that's not it! Magnificent Margaret also has the exact temperament a person could want for their esteemed state leader, including a wonderfully short-fuse and proclivity for flying into violent rages over trivial things like cartoon computer games for people who hope their "Second Life" fares a tad better than the pathetic, miserable existence known as their "Actual Life."

Even better than flying into blind rages and spontaneously attacking frightened subordinates (then paying li'l six-figure settlements to shut the stupid Asian bitch up), is passing this awesome inability to control one's furious temper on to the rest of the storied Whitman clan, including her two notoriously delinquent sons, Griff and Will Harsh (whose surnames are not in the least bit ironic!).

Well Mama Meg should be beaming with maternal pride over the wonderful news that her eldest son Griffith Rutherford Harsh V is following in the family's footsteps with his first felony battery charge for breaking a woman's ankle after the stupid bitch said some terrible, MEANY comment about his favoritest Princeton fraternity.

A 22-year-old woman named Valerie Sanchez was riding a bus to Palo Alto's Blue Chalk Cafe on the night of May 26, 2006 when she crossed paths with Griffith Rutherford Harsh V, Meg's eldest son and a notoriously delinquent drunkard sophomore at Princeton at the time.

According to a police report filed later that night, Sanchez and her friends had mocked his fraternity and said "fuck you" and "fuck your fraternity" to him before Sanchez swiped Griff's baseball cap off his head. The altercation escalated when both parties arrived at Blue Chalk Cafe. According to Valerie's statement to the police, they were inside the bar when Griff "pushed" her "with two open hands on her chest and shoulder area." She fell down and felt her right ankle "snap." A nearby security guard witnessed the event and corroborated Valerie's version of the events.

Sadly, the police did not buy Griff's airtight "version" of the incident, and the 6'1", 195-lb. Griffith was charged with felony battery, with the paperwork from his arrest identifying him as "clean shaven" white man with a "hair style" of "punk." And we can only assume, with a 'tude of gangsta, no doubt!

But even badass mofos like Griff need mommy's help from time to time!

The next morning, Meg Whitman, Griff's mother and then the CEO of eBay, posted Griff's $25,000 bail with a cashier's check and brought her son home. Nine court dates followed over the next year, but the charges were ultimately dismissed, although it's unclear why. (Why, there could be BILLION$ of reasons!)

Of course, this wasn't Junior's first run-in with the law. The infamous Blue Chalk Cafe brawl, where Griff beat up a chick, occurred after his sophomore year at elitist, arugula-eating Princeton. Though originally a member of the class of 2008, Griff ended up graduating in 2009 after a year-long disciplinary probation, ironically including a ban from the snazzy $30M residential complex mother dearest so generously built.

Boys will be boys!

Good thing Meggy didn't register to vote until seven years ago because "she was focused on raising a family..."

Time, apparently, well spent!

Just look at the upstanding pillars of society Meg so skillfully reared from cradle to classy young delinquents who get tossed out of Princeton eating establishments for throwing alcohol and racial epithets every which way.

From the campus rag The Nassau Weekly:

Overheard at Charter [eating club]
Griff Harsh (Meg Whitman's son) throws beer in Guy's face.
Guy: You can't do that to people.
Griff Harsh (points at himself): Billionaire.

And let's not forgot the also-famous exploits of younger brother Will, who much like older bro Griff (and let's not forget mama Meg!), is well-schooled in the ways of acting like an out-of-control douchebag, who has no use for the word consequence since that is only for poor losers like me and you, not rich, spoiled billionaires like he and Griff.

Griff's non-refundable membership to Cottage [eating club] was paid in full when he got suspended. So some of the officers would let Will attend some meals and formals events in his brother's place until Will got banned from there.

The story goes that Will yelled "what are all these niggers doing here?" one night when all the members of the Black Arts Company where there to celebrate a show they had performed. Cottage is know as one of the whiter clubs on campus so I assume that he was shocked to see so many black people there in a night. He was already on notice with Cottage officers because of an altercation he started with a bouncer early in the year.

Well raise 'em she sure did! But now that her sons are all growd up, and have put their beer-guzzling, prep-school expelled, drunken, racist, hell-raising past of privileged little consequence behind them, Meg Whitman is now free to help rear the good people of California back from the brink of financial ruin and once again wreak havoc on meek, tech-savvy Asian underlings throughout the Golden State.

Hasta la vista, Ahnold, there's a new Governator in town!

Oh, and a word to the wise, no matter what happens, always remember, you "fell down the stairs," capisce?