Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who's The Biggest Beltway Whore Of All?

With the Grand Old Party of family values and straight, missionary-style sex only, feelin' the burning red heat over the latest Republican donor scandal involving the usual multi-thousand dollar spending sprees at various, upscale bondage-themed Lezzy clubs, the real question on everyone's mind is which of our esteemed two political parties (of honor, integrity, and raging hormones) really has the harder time keeping their hoohas and weewees in their respective, freshly pressed skirts and/or pleated trousers?

So many sex scandals sullying so many districts in so little time makes the showdown for sexual supremacy a challenging one! But once the pants are zipped, shirts buttoned, romp-tousled hair combed slick, and numbers all tallied, where do our honorable elected officials stack up? And which side of the congressional aisle comes out as the dominant top, and which the submissive bottom, who goes home alone and unfulfilled to nothing but pot roast and the nagging wifey of 25-plus years?

Strap on your safety belts, ladies and gentleman, it's gonna be a wild ride through the last two dripping wet decades of unbridled lust, unchecked libidos, repressed sexuality, deep denial, spurned spouses, secret baby daddys, sordid same-sex solicitations, torrid trysts, rough 'n tumble role-playing rendezvous, boring, by-the-book harassment, and enough middle-of-the-night monkey business to keep any red-blooded American locked, loaded, and ready to rock.

And what better way to beat the winter blues and usher in bountiful spring than fresh off the heels of March Madness in the form of Salt Lake City skinny dips featuring Utah State Senate Republican majority leader Kevin Garn, underage 15-year-old gal, a hot tub and $150,000 in hush money, Salty Sailor and Big Apple Democrat "Tickle Me Eric" Massa's hands-on approach to young male staffers, and of course California State Senator and conservative, vehemently anti-gay crusader Roy Ashburn doing some drunken cruising of his own at just about every Southern California bar sporting a neon rainbow sign flashing on its marquee.

So, after examining the 58 scandals (that's it?) over the past 20 years involving all politicians or major candidates for city mayor or above--involving crimes, allegations, or just the usual tabloid fodder we Americans love so much--what overarching conclusions (if any) can be reached, aside from the obvious hearty libidos of our nation's lawmakers and leaders?
  • The number of sex scandals has increased dramatically over the past few decades, thanks to technology, new press standards and a post-Clinton belief that everything is fair game.
    (Including soiled dresses and all the fun things you can do with a cigar!)
  • Based on the methodology used, Republicans have more scandals (32 to 26), but Democrats have bigger ones (13 out of the top 20). That's not the only place!
  • Since the Democrats are obviously the party of Satan and brimstone, their foibles tend to be more your garden variety harassment and banging o' the mistress on the sly, while the party of Jesus Christ and moral superiority, the GOP, tends to suppress these unGodly tendencies by secretly trolling for young boys after Sunday mass when the pickin's good.

According to the study courtesy of Daily Beast, the 58 scandals were ranked using a methodology that includes whether a crime was committed, versus inappropriate behavior (tickle,tickle!); whether the charges were proven, versus alleged; the level of office held; and whether the incident involved children, staff, a cover-up or hypocrisy. The full breakdown of all the pillars of the elected community lucky enough to make the cut can be seen in this stunning, color slideshow of the Donkey & Elephant Sexual Hall of Shame.


Ah yes, this beautiful category of pay-as-you-go fulfillment combines both those who solicited a prostitute, but for whatever reason did not accept—think "Wide Stance" Larry Craig in the airport men's room—and those who dove in head first before getting caught hook, line, and sinker—think Louisiana Sen. David Vitter's own lovely lapse into the seedy (but satisfying!) world of the DC Madam. By a count of 6 to 1, the Grand Old Prostitute-lovin' Party can claim a much needed, lopsided victory over rival Dems. This ain't your grandmother's Elephant, no more!

Winner: Solidly Republican (6-1)


Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and if you're a Democrat (especially by the name of Eric Massa), keep 'em piled high, in a constant stream, and as close as is humanly possible, preferably, while unable to breathe thanks to the infamous fast-flying fingers of New York's own sodium-saturated, sassy snorkeler. Democrats win this one, fingers, err, hands down, by a count of 16 to 5. Who said Donkeys didn't know how to have fun?

Winner: Solidly Democrat (16-5)


Saying one thing while doing the exact opposite rears its ugly head in almost half the sex scandals surveyed. But only one party can claim this noble act as its bread and butter, its joie de vivre, the trademark quality by which to distinguish it from the rest, everybody's favorite Party of No (but secretly yes), the one, the only, off-the-hook, hip-hop party of youth (or just old people), the fabulous Republican Party. Think pro-choice GOP (apparently, they do exist), womens' rights warrior, and 10-time sexual harassment superstar Sen. Robert Packwood (and he means it!) or any one of the number of good, old fashioned GOPers whose primetime pantsdown meltdown is followed by the statement, "I am not, nor have I ever been gay." This is usually a big red flag, or as the case may be, a decidedly rainbow one.

Winner: Solidly Republican (16-9)

Sexual Harassment

When it comes to threats, emails, text messages, and all other preferred modes of sexually harassing the sweet li'l power suit sportin' muffins lookin' so irresistible working 'round the office, the distinguished gentleman on the left side of the aisle take the cake (and the icing!) on this one. It's practically a Democratic tradition! Yay??

Winner: Solidly Democrat (8-2)

Inappropriate Conduct with a Minor

Everyone makes mistakes. When you're a House Republican from Florida, these usually come in the form of sexually suggestive instant messages to underage teenage boys working as congressional pages. Like Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who in 2006, honored his oath of elected office by soliciting sex (and not just any sex, but terrible gay sex) from young, smooth chaps with tanned legs and the misfortune of working for the one Republican Representative, who if all goes well, will be the one doing the "working over" in no time at all. Brings new meaning to the phrase resume booster.

Winner: Leans Republican (2 to 1)

Out-of-Wedlock Child

Not even the valiant efforts of fallen Southern gentleman Johnny Edwards, his sweet love bunny Rielle and the new li'l fruit of their loins, Quinn, could help the Dems out-screw their Republican rivals when it comes to surprise buns in-the-other-woman's oven. Get 'em next time, Johnny!?

Winner: Leans Republicans (2 to 1)


One of the more exciting developments in many a sordid sex tale is all the behind-the-scenes wrangling that goes into covering up these "youthful indiscretions," traditionally in the form of hush money to keep the missus quiet, extorting favors, jobs, and assorted other goodies from the unfortunate philanderer-in-question, and any other perks you can squeeze from the dumb schmuck in his post-coitus panic. Think Nevada's own Republican Sen. John Ensign, whose own moral superiority over that 'nasty, nasty boy' Bill Clinton, comes with a cool $96,000 upfront to keep it that way.

Winner: Republicans (5-2)

So, what does all this middle-aged sex (not to be confused with love) mean for the average American citizen like you and me?

Like harassment, interns, little girls?? Vote Democrat!

Prostitutes, hypocrisy, and under aged boys more your thing?? Vote Republican!

Either way, you're still doing waaaaay better than the Catholic Church!

Oooh, Chairman, Don't Be Modest!

Monday, March 29, 2010

This Nice North Carolina Man, Bill, Isn't A Racist, He Simply Doesn't Care For All Them Black Folk

Oh no! This poor, hardworking, decent, REAL AMERICAN from good ol' North Carolina, Bill, simply does not understand why every single negro man, women, and child living off in these great United States insists on calling C-SPAN, round-the-clock to demand welfare, health care, free government funded abortions, reparations for those few years of slightly rough labor, or just rave about that Black Jesus they loooooove talking about so much, Barack Hussein Obama.

It's not that Hill Billy over here hates dem blacks or anything, I mean he does own a colored TV and drive a black (gasp!) pickup truck for Christ's sake, it's just that he wishes they would all just go somewhere far, far away (back to Africa?) and be done with the whole livin' in "America" thing already.

CALLER: "Yeah, I'd like to make a little respectful criticism here about C-SPAN. Umm, the last two guys I know were white guys (phew!) but you have black folks calling in on the Republican line, independents, and you have so many of them I can't believe this is just an accident. If you keep on with the way you've been programming, you should change your name from C-SPAN to Black-SPAN."

"I mean I know they have an opinion (or at least 3/5ths of one), but I wish that they would be honest and call in on the right line (ya know, one that's separate but equal). Every one of them thinks Obama is Jesus Christ and they don't like when everybody criticizes him. Well, I didn't hear all this anger when George Bush was in. I mean all they did was criticize George Bush. Every day, you'd hear 'he lied, he lied!'...All this stuff and I don't know how so many of these folks, if they're ten percent or 12 percent of the population, seems to be 80 percent of your callers."

Between the blacks and the homos breathing too much of our good, clean, real American air, it's like there's no place left for a pure-bred White man to even inhale and exhale anymore without being contaminated by gross minority-saturated particles.

'Cept of course at the nearest Teabagger rally, the last black-'n-queer free haven left.

"Now I don't know what you can do about it (lynch 'em?), but I'm just about ready and I think a lot of other Republicans and Conservatives are just about ready to just go somewhere else."

It's called a time warp back to a kinder, gentler time when the white man was safe.

Ya know, the good ol' days when the Coloreds knew their proper place (in the cotton fields or on the floor, scrubbin' the white man's shoes to a glistening spit-shine), and were only seen not heard, 'cept for the occasional yelp when gettin' a whippin' by the master for lookin' the decent, pure, white womenfolk in the eye.

Fun Facts: Special Literal Edition!

Ooooh, everybody loves fun facts! Literally. Everybody.

Did you know?
  • Beautiful blue-eyed bombshell Michele Bachmann is literally Nostradamus (with ovaries!) because she correctly predicted that Barack Obama is literally Hitler or at the very least, any one of the other notoriously evil monsters of humanity over the last oh, two centuries or so.
  • And also Obama is literally a King or Emperor or any other type of ruler, preferably despotic, because he regulates bank and helps poor people not die—the two all-time favoritest pastimes of all tyrants of humanity since the dawn of civilization when Adam and Eve were tricked by the evil serpent, likely one of Obama's forefathers, to taste the forbidden apple and kicked out of Eden. Forever.
  • President Obama literally wants to be Sarah Palin because he too sports a sexy black leather jacket when goin' rogue on secret missions to Afghanistan to yell at corrupt leaders of fledgling countries and wow the crowds with his charming smile, some well-placed winks, and mastery of the English language. All without even looking at the palm of his hand! Ugh, show off!
  • Anyone who predicted Joe Biden would at some point in the very near future say or do something outrageously stupid to embarrass himself, the president, or anyone with the ability to blush in shameful humiliation, is literally a genius. So, congratulations, Einsteins, you have unearthed the very purpose Joe Biden's whole existence! Awww, don't be modest, it's a big f*cking deal!
  • Big pimpin', phat 'n fresh RNC Chairman Michael Steele is bringing sexy back to the GOP--and not just in the form of one-armed midgets and Stephen Baldwin! Word is the Steele man is trying to get the hip hop Party of Youth back to its old school Republican roots by droppin' scrilla (dollar dollar bills y'all!) at hoity toity S&M sex clubs featuring bondage and women slaves in dog collars doing lesbiany things to each other. Family values are literally HOTTTTTTT!!! Freedom's the sh*t, for reals, yo!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sarah Palin Knows We Need Constitutional Shredders, Not Scholars, As President Of America

It is no secret the Tea Party movement and its loyal herb 'n spice obsessed 'baggers live, breathe, and procreate solely for the Constitution of the United States.

In fact, the teabaggers' undying affection for our nation's founding charter is soooooo strong, that the very constitution of their entire movement is strict adherence to and devoted worship of the original sacred document of freedom, the U.S. Constitution.

So, naturally, the weekend's Burning Man festival for disgruntled wingnuts in Harry Reid's hometown of Searchlight, Nevada was teeming with overweight, middle aged white men donning colonial garb and carrying signs, posters, and slogans expressing their deepest devotion to the only God they answer to, the 4,543-unamended-word document known as the Constitution.

Not to mention, all the homages, reverence, and idolization for the document they've never read (waaaay too long!) you'd expect from the freedom-fightin', public-speaking abortion and common sense holocaust known as one of Sarah Palin's keynote addresses to everyday, average American Joe's and Jane's dressed like 18th century revolutionaries complete with breeches, stockings, waistcoats, and three-cornered felt hats, while sipping cider and snacking on Johnnycake and molasses in the middle of some desert town in 21st century Nevada.

"Our vision for America is anchored in time-tested truths that the government that governs least governs best, that the Constitution provides the path to a more perfect union — it's the Constitution," Sarah exclaimed.

"By the way, it's within our own borders and homeland where we we should feel so safe and not condone...err...umm...any type of's within the homeland that we should feel safe and that makes me want to say:

In these volatile times when we are a nation at war, now more than ever is when we need a commander-in-chief, not a constitutional law professor lecturing us from a lectern.
WOOOOOHOOOO!! Yeah!!! Hear that NObama?? We don't need your stinkin', elitist knowledge of the Constitution to tell us what's actually in the Constitution and what is simply a figment of our deranged pea brains.

What America NEEDS is another semi-literate "MBA" President who doesn't know the difference between Constitution and Constipation to save us from this one-year Socialist hell, and lead the nation back into dual economic and international crises, like a true freedom-loving, teabagging patriot.

Just like our founding fathers intended.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Sarah Palin Continues Her Dingbat Drifter Tour Across The Mainland

Fresh off helping Gramps McCain lose his second election in as many years, sweet Sarah Palin arrived in Bush's old stomping ground, Midland, Texas, to speak to the good ol' boys and gals on behalf of the Liberty and Freedom Foundation about the terrible reversal of fortune that has come to pass ever since that chocolate-hued Kenyan menace stole the election from decent, hardworking, real, white Americans like y'all gathered here today.

"There's such an appreciation here for your freedom," Palin told the crowd of about 1,300 fellow freedom fighters who signaled their roaring approval by alternately shouting "Amen" and ringing cowbells.

Sadly, Sarah didn't get to spend as much time talking about her favoritest subject, energy production, (drill baby drill!) as she'd like, focusing instead on getting people all fired up about the terrible tree-hugging, hippie dippie direction of the country under President Barack Obama.

Too bad the God awful 'lamestream' media had to once again go and skew her nice 'n wholesome interactive map hit list targeting vulnerable congressional Democrats by putting gun crosshairs over them, along with the not-at-all suspicious words "reload," "aim" and "fire," as inciting violence. Ugh, typical elitist Jew run media!

"Take up your arms' means voting," Palin clarified.

Oh, silly us! We forgot that in wingnut 2nd amendment land, or real America, the phrase 'taking up arms' doesn't mean grabbing your Smith & Wesson and/or Colt 45 and peppering holes in the nearest Democratic lawmaker's office, but peacefully heading to the ballot box to exercise your constitutional right to pull levers, punch chads, or put a check mark next to whichever Grand Old Party candidate is more birther, oather, and loves freedom, but hates Barry the most.

"I love her," said Shelly Rollins of Midland, who was hoping to get an autographed copy of Palin’s 432-page assault on the written word, Going Rogue. "She reminds me of me."

She's dumb, selfish, self-centered, disingenuous, petty, small-minded, hypocritical, loves Jesus Christ, and is in it for herself, too!

Palin, who said that she was glad to see all of the young kids in the audience, was very critical of the horrible debt liberals had somehow magically managed to create in record-shattering time of one whole year.

"That's selfish and it's generational theft," Palin said.

And who knows more about either than our li'l Alaskan ice queen herself? Besides, our hard-earned money should only be used for important things, like startin' wars, findin' oil, and who knows, maybe even buyin' a fancy new wardrobe so unknown Alaskan mavericks still look good even when soundin' bad.

Good thing Crosby Cobb, a 10-year-old who dressed as Sarah Barracuda for Halloween, got to miss school for the special occasion of hearing her highness speak, 'stead of wastin' time readin', writin' 'n 'rithmeticin'!

"She's just someone who stands up for women's rights and shows that just because you're a woman doesn't mean you can't do something," Cobb said.

'Cept have control over your own reproductive rights. But, eh, that's no big deal. I mean just look at Bristol, she's doing fine 'n dandy without it, thank you very much!

Far, far more important is having control over the arugula-eating members of the mainstream media (MSM), who as with any Sarah Palin event, were given a strict set of rules and guidelines to follow if they hoped to get their grubby paws anywhere near Miss Thang during her whistle stop tour across bumblef**k USA, helping ensure the Grand Old Party of rednecks, racists, and wingnuts remains that way for a long, long time--a minority.

When asked about the strict media restrictions, from no television cameras or recordings, other than still photographs--during the first and last five minutes of her speech ONLY--to prohibiting audience members from asking questions, Liberty and Freedom Foundation executive director Victor Cocchia said that Palin didn't want the event to be about her, but rather about the people of the area.

Oh, Sarah, always thinking of others! If I didn't know better, I'd think she was Mother Theresa herself!

Cocchia also said that some of the restrictions, such as not allowing interviews with people attending the event or asking their names, were not due to Palin or the foundation ('course not!), and may have been because volunteers misinterpreted what they were supposed to do.

Like check their brains at the door?

"Maybe next time we'll do things just a hair different," Cocchia said.

Oh goody gumdrops! Sarah's new A-list Hollywood stylist has all sorts of fabulous new 'dos he's just DYING to try on our adorable Alaskan bunny.

But thanks to evil NObamaCare, he probably won't even get a chance to do that now. Die, that is.

Just One Question, What The Hell's A Moran?

Friday, March 26, 2010

What Do You Do When You're Old, Desperate, Confused, & Have An Election To Win? Call 1-800-Sarah!

Oh Walnuts! He's so frail and confused now that he's done EVERYTHING he possibly could to win the hearts and minds of rightwing nutjobs, and still finds himself in grave danger of getting the ol' heave ho courtesy of an initial named madman who goes by the letters J.D. Hayworth. Poor Gramps. Life can be so unfair sometimes!

So Johnny did what any maverick with his back against the wall would do: called in for reinforcement. Black leather clad, cleavage exposing rogue reinforcement, that is.

Oh, you betcha!

Isn't it great? All Johnny Mac has to do now is stand awkwardly to the side, grin uncomfortably, occasionally clap his hands like a demented robot monkey (minus the cymbals), and let the Barracuda do her thang, revving up the crowd with her trademark inappropriately-inflected speech about goin' old school by writin' stuff on her hand, 'stead of using some "lamestream" media TELLYprompter thingamajig like some illegal black presidential tyrants who may or may not be Hitler.

But one thing Sarah sure knows, is this go-around, Gramps isn't going home the sad sack, out-of-touch, loser who sold his soul and was left with nothing but a lame "I'm with Stupid Sarah" t-shirt.

But Lord knows anything's better than having to run around with that insufferable shrew Cindy. Even if that 'anything' happens to be a pig in lipstick with less sense than the senile old gamblin' man who thought it would be a really good idea to bet the whole House (White, that is) on an unknown Alaskan with a mean wink and mean IQ on par with the magical scrolling machine she's always talkin' 'bout!

Either way, the reunion of America's favoritest dynamic duo of dysfunction and double standards could only mean one thing: Gramps' got an election to win (or lose), and nothing, come hell, high water, or HAYWORTH, is gonna get between him and his senate seat, God damn it!

As one former adviser put it, "He is single-mindedly focused on destroying Hayworth and hates his guts and believes Palin will help him do that."

After all, the woman's gotta knack for destruction. ;) And mama always said, everyone's got something they can do well!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

New Poll Shows Majority Of Republicans As Crazy As Their Leaders!

As Obama Derangement Syndrome--the disease where otherwise normal people are transformed into rabid, Hitler-waving lunatics who harass and throw crumpled dollar bills at defenseless old men with Parkinsons all because a semi-black man occupies the White House--continues to infect Teabaggers, the entire Republican Party, and other unstable nutjobs posing as patriots, a disturbing new Harris poll shows just how deep this deranged Republican rabbit hole goes.

And judging by the recent spate of violence and vandalism targeting Democratic lawmakers in the wake of Americans actually getting health insurance that doesn't try to either off them or profit off them, a return to even partial sanity doesn't seem likely any time soon.

Let's take a look at some of the polls more 'enlightened' findings shall we?
  • 67% of Republicans (40% of Americans overall) believe that Obama is a Socialist
  • 57% of Republicans (32% overall) believe that Obama is a Muslim
  • 45% of Republicans (25% overall) agree with the Birthers in their belief that Obama was "not born in the United States and so is not eligible to be president"
  • 38% of Republicans (20% overall) say that Obama is "doing many of the things that Hitler did"
  • Scariest of all, 24% of Republicans (14% overall) say that Obama "may be the Antichrist."

Yes, America look around you. Chances are if you have six Republican friends (God help you), four of them likely believe Barack Obama, not Karl Marx, penned The Communist Manifesto, at least three of them think Obama is an illegal, Kenyan-born secret Muslim terrorist who hijacked the presidency, two or more believe that our 44th president and the worst mass murderer in the history of mankind, Adolf Hitler, are kindred spirits, and at least one is certain that Barry is the Devil incarnate.

With scholarly geniuses like these running around, and legally able to cast a vote, is it really any surprise that weasely human disgraces like Eric Cantor are still in power?

You remember Eric, don't you? The caring GOP Representative from good, ol' Virginia who is very upset about the Democrats being very upset about crazed gangs of Teabaggers attacking the homes and offices of Democratic lawmakers, strewing coffins on their lawns, rupturing gas lines at their homes, sending various pictures of nooses, expletive-filled death threats and wishes of terminal illness to their offices, and all the other totally normal behavior you'd expect from grown adults who don't want everyone, especially dumb poor people, to have health care and must naturally resort to violence as a result.

Which is why, unlike the crybaby Democrats who loooooooove using the vicious threats against them as "media vehicles for political gain," sending press releases and holding press conferences to address said attacks simply to score some "political points," not because they fear for their lives by a bunch of gun-totin' former Klansmen, Eric Cantor would never use a press conference as a cheap political stunt. Never!

He would only use something as sacred as a press conference to pretend something terrible happened to him too, like say, a bullet through his office window, to show how a real red-blooded American freedom fighter acts when trying to curry public favor for political gain.

Time to buck up, Democrats! Stop complaining about your lives being threatened and your property being destroyed, ya big babies!

Be a man like Eric Cantor and hold honorable press conferences blaming the lame victims for "inciting" the violent attacks against them, not the courageous, patriotic perpetrators of the bloodshed and violence.

You didn't hear Eric the Brave complain when Barack HITLER Obama facilitated the cold-blooded, methodical slaughter of 6 million of his fellow Jewish brethren, now did you?

No, you didn't. That's because real men don't cry. They cry wolf.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

GOP Tries New, Mature Approach: Biting Their Nose To Spite Their Face

Oops, Reality Must Have Caught Mitch Off Guard Again!

Wah Wah! No fair! She hit me first! He pulled my hair! Wah Wah!

Like everything else they handle so impressively well, the Republicans' uncanny ability to face facts and accept defeat like mature, responsible adults elected by the people to represent the people, was in full effect this afternoon, when they very reasonably decided to shut down all Senate committee hearings because the meany Democrats went ahead and gave the poors health insurance without even caring about what they wanted to do (kill 'em?)!

Well two can play that game, my friends!

And if there's anyone who loves playing fun little games with America's democratic process and Americans' lives, it is the Grand Old Party of homophobes, Born Agains, racist old white men, and of course, Michael Steele's off-the-hook, hip hop youths straight out the streets, yo. Holla!

But what arcane, obscure Senate rule that shouldn't exist but does, did the Republicans pull out of Mitch McConnell's tortoise shell this time? You know, to show the DEMONcrats just what happens when you try to bullsh*t the very Party that invented the darn thing in the first place!

Oh yeah, the one that prevents all Senate proceedings from going past 2 p.m. without unanimous consent of all committee members because that's what you do when you don't get your way, and you're an old Republican whose nap time comes right about then: make life impossible for everyone else. Works wonders!

Because this is what respected middle-aged elected officials do when they don't like the Democrats passing bills helping the American people every other day, and are forced to resort to acting like grown children who govern out of anger and spite.

Yes, thanks to abnormally large egos and abnormally little brains, the Republicans have decided that it is much better to cancel all sorts of very important meetings on very important subjects because their Grand Old Pride and smug self-satisfaction is infinitely more important than some dumb hearing on contractor oversight in Afghanistan or homeless veterans. Please, like it was even a question!

Leave it to the loser Democrats to get all hot 'n bothered that the only people hurt by the Republicans' brilliant strategy(?) of no worky past lunchy, are the very ones who need their help most.

Like Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO), who was less than pleased to learn that her oversight hearing on police training contracts in Afghanistan, would have to be canceled because the Republicans' feelings were hurt.

"So what do I find out this morning? The Republican Party is not going to let us have the hearing? What in the world?"

"Why in the world are we not able to work this afternoon," McCaskill asked the Senate floor.

"The idea that I called to call these witnesses and say go home because the Republicans won't let us have a hearing? Somebody has got to explain this to me."

Ummm, when you don't have principles or a conscience, you can pretty much do whatever you like?

"The Senate was sent to Washington to work, and Republicans should feel free to vote "No" on the bill, but "let us work! I implore you, let us work."

What!?! To help your re-election chances and move this country even closer to Socialism, Nazism, Communism, Totalitarianism and every other bad thing that ends in ism?

Obstructionism, not included, of course.

"For months, Senate Republicans have resisted efforts to enact important reforms to our health insurance system," Judiciary Chairman Pat Leahy (D-VT) said.

"But when the dust settles and the emotions are calmed, history will show that President Obama and this Congress responded to a pressing national issue, and proved once again that we can act with the purpose of advancing an important national interest. Sadly, actions like today's objections from Senate Republicans to the consideration of a highly qualified, historic nominee will be viewed as little more than petty, partisan politics."

Ha ha, not if the new, improved Texas history textbooks have anything to say about it...

Good thing Sen. Daniel Akaka (D-Hawaii) does.

"The Senate should be a place for debate, but I cannot imagine how shutting down a hearing on helping homeless veterans has any part of the debate on the health insurance reform," he said. "I am deeply disappointed that my colleagues chose to hinder our common work to help end veteran homelessness."

Don't be silly, they are dealing with something far more important and much dearer to their hearts: Republican seatlessness come 2010.

Thanks To Discovery, Sarah Palin's Reality Is Now The Whole World's Reality!

When magical Alaskan wonderwoman Sarah Palin was first thrust upon us, the unsuspecting masses, by a senile old man in the final throes of his desperate campaign to stave off creeping dementia and (not-so) early retirement, our immediate thoughts were who is this breathtaking woman and where the hell has she been our whole lives?

Truth is, sweet Sarah was already well on her way to fame and fortune as the well-respected, bright, shining star of local KTUU-TV in Alaska, until her obvious lack of talent and brainpower prevented her from assuming the coveted full time spot as Anchorage's fan favorite anchor of the snowy North, and our lovely maverick decided to try her hand at the whole "politics" thing instead. Ya know, for fun!

So, after her brief stint as mayor of the abandoned, former gun factory and methamphetamine lab known as Wasilla, before coming thisclose to completing a full elected term as governor of the entire majestic snow factory and stalwart Russian buffer, Alaska, Sarah Barracuda is back where she always wanted to be: in the spotlight and well on her way to capturing her first (of many) coveted basic cable versions of a Daytime Emmy award.

Yes, this darling defender of both 'special needs' children and 'special' adults who scribble cheat sheets on their hand, has struck a deal with the evil, arugula eating elitists at the Discovery Channel to make a reality teevee show about the only Alaskan thing anyone cares about: its favoritest export, the one, the only, multi-talented maverick herself, Sarah Barracuda Palin.


Now the whole wide world can learn all about the wondrous land of helicopter hunts and moose stew, where nothing comes between God and man except a fur-lined parka and whatever hapless creature (or liberal) happens to wander into the cross hairs of Sarah's Remington rifle, and ends up decoratively hanging on the wall of her home office.

Even better than this new, educational teevee show starring Caribou Barbie on a fishing boat, is the cha-ching! little Miss Conservationist will make for her small-screen primetime debut, meaning her patriotic efforts to help the nice oil companies "drill, baby drill" wherever good, old-fashioned AMERICAN oil is found may no longer be necessary.
"Sarah Palin's Alaska will center on interesting characters, traditions and attractions in the 49th state -- with the ex-VP candidate as a guide. Producer Mark Burnett and Palin pitched the show to all four major networks -- but given the travelogue nature of the series, cable expressed more interest in the project."
The show is believed to have fetched more than $1 million an episode--not bad for someone whose longest work experience consists of posting on Facebook, has a small habit of quitting EVERYTHING she ever starts, and not doin' so hot when asked actual questions, instead of relying on her usual repertoire of winks, snaps, and hilarious ghostwritten witticisms she had Meg Stapleton tattoo her palm before she upped and quit too! Those crazy rogues!

Perhaps also influencing her decision to choose Discovery over A&E (other than an actual contract), was Palin's concern over being lumped in with some of A&E's other luminaries such as Gene Simmons or Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Lest the public get the wrong idea she actually works for her money and has expertise on anything other than how to have your high school teenage daughter get knocked up, abandoned by her baby daddy (so he can follow his porn star dreams), and in charge of her brand new PR firm and abstinence-only education crusade about how you too can have your very own precious miracle of God drunken one night stand sans the jimmy hat.

Besides, doesn't Sarah already have her own reality TV show? Think it's called the news.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Nazi Pelosi's Gavel, Coupled With Barry's Signature Means Granny And Trig Will Be Dead In A Week

OH NO!!! Health Care has passed and soon all of us will be dead and buried along with Grandmama and baby Trig and no one will be alive to remember this terrible day when freedom died, insurance companies were regulated, and every fifth Republican was forced by law to have an automatic abortion.

Well not everyone is taking kindly to this new shovel-ready government takeover of America's health care (the greatest in the world!), until approximately midnight Sunday, when in one swift strike of Nazi Pelosi's gavel, all hell broke loose, and America was abruptly reduced to a pathetic, Socialist shadow of its former self.

Let the countdown to Armageddon begin!

Perhaps it is another manifestation of the temporary Obama Derangement Syndrome that comes with having a scary Black man occupy the pure White House, but whatever the case may be, the passing of evil ObamaCare to help insure millions of struggling Americans, caused some people (namely congressional Republicans and their friendly "n*gger and f*ggot" shouting teabagging constituents) to lose whatever semblance of a rational mind still left in the ol' tank.

Like the newest Joe Wilson-like shining star of the Grand Old Party, Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX), whose own brave and courageous Tourette's Syndrome moment came during Sunday night's House debate on reform when he just couldn't stop himself from shrieking "baby killer" at pro-life Democrat turned pro-death health care supportin' traitor Bart Stupak while he spoke on the House floor. By accident.

Tsk tsk, Randy darling!

Have you no decency sir?

Oh right, your district went 72%-27% for McCain in 2008 so its Rep's shameful inability to control his bizarre loudmouth tendencies will probably keep his campaign coffers stuffed nice 'n fat for life, which, thanks to the DEMONcrat's terrible bill, will likely be a fraction of what it once would have been.

Of course, it did take Randy quite some time to step forward and claim the latest uncivilized outburst as his own brilliant handiwork, probably because he's so humble and doesn't like taking credit for the many heroic things he does for the American people. Just the kind of guy he is.
"Last night was the climax of weeks and months of debate on a health care bill that my constituents fear and do not support. In the heat and emotion of the debate, I exclaimed the phrase 'it's a baby killer' in reference to the agreement reached by the Democratic leadership. While I remain heartbroken over the passage of this bill and the tragic consequences it will have for the unborn, I deeply regret that my actions were mistakenly interpreted as a direct reference to Congressman Stupak himself."

"I have apologized to Mr. Stupak and also apologize to my colleagues for the manner in which I expressed my disappointment about the bill. The House Chamber is a place of decorum and respect. The timing and tone of my comment last night was inappropriate."
And as a result, I will now become the defacto leader of the new Republican Party of deranged Klansmen who love tea almost as much as freedom and fetuses.

Freedom-fighters like John McCain who is not done selling his soul in a desperate attempt to stave off total irrelevancy for another four-year term.

"There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year," McCain said during a radio interview Monday. "They have poisoned the well in what they've done and how they've done it." Hapuff!


Now if only I could use some of that same toxic well juice on that goddamn nut JD Hayworth before the bastard boots me out of my beloved desert state, which I own because of the rich wifey, who much like everyone else, can't really stand me either.

"In my opinion, the institution of the Congress has been fundamentally harmed," explained doomsday oracle Sen. Judd Gregg, whose love of all things double applies to consonants in his name as well as standards in Congress, because everyone knows the process Democrats used to craft the bill is completely unjustified except when Republicans do it.

Still, Gregg acknowledged that voters' (non-existent) concerns about processes used to pass the health care bill might have abated, along with their failing health and/or bankruptcy woes, by November.

"There will be other events in this nation which capture the attention of the American people," he told CNBC. "So it's very possible that people will not be as focused on this by next November."

You better believe we'll find something else to scare the bejesus out of the dumb public by then!

I mean how else do you expect us to get elected, tell the truth?? Lol.

C'mon, you know us better than that!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Barackalypse Now: Teabaggers Lose Their Minds, While The Rest Of Us Get Health Care!

While our evil commander in chief rolls through DC with his tyrannical posse of limo-ridin' hookers, hos, and enough health care votes to go around en route to his victory party tonight, the really BIG news was that a couple hundred anti-Semites, homophobes, Neo-Nazis, and straight up Jim Crow lovin' racists loitered around Capitol Hill shrieking about how NObama is Hitler because he's always trying to help the poors get health care.

Turns out, Adolf Obama managed to convince neonatal crusader Bart Stupak and his ever shrinking, now-six or so strong, pro-life disciples that a nice letter saying "abortion is bad" (and ending the ten-month standoff) is probably a better idea than outlawing abortion entirely. So, good job Bart! Obama will indeed draft a sternly worded letter about what happens when ladies aren't careful with their hoohas, and you can agree to go back to complete obscurity except for those fleeting 15 minutes when everyone knows your name for being that one Democratic douchebag who loves babies in their mothers' wombs too much to care about the rest of us poor schmucks unlucky enough to be born.

But the freedom-fightin' tea connoisseurs aren't about to take a shovel to Grandma without showing the whole Fox News-watching world just how patriotic they can be by shouting "n*gger" and "f*ggot" at the evil socialist government, and its elected representatives for putting their grubby hands all over the good American people.

Which is why they're here to make a statement(?) about the beloved country they're so concerned about losing the second NObamaCare is shoved down our throats through normal legislative procedures by actual elected lawmakers.

"Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill! It's called Slavery! They are using you!"

And I always thought that slavery was when you own another human being as your possession, not when you're on the brink of passing arguably the most historic piece of legislation in recent memory.

Not so my friends, not so! Gosh, what else have I been missing all these years?

"Our country is going down the toilets really fast because our leaders are refusing to listen to us, they're being like tyrannical dictators."

Tyrannical dictators who won't stop 'til every last America is properly insured! Mwwwwaaahhaaaa!

"Why push health care on people that have with excellent health care? We have the best health care in the world!!"

As long as you don't get sick, fatty!

Besides, "It is all about bureaucracy and control. It is NOT AT ALL about people's health."

We simply don't like black people telling us how to do anything, let alone receive better, more affordable medical care! What do we look like idiots or something?

Just listen to the man wearing the Mickey Mouse wizard hat, wool scarf, and psychedelic tie-dyed shirt with a giant eyeball. He knows the truth: "the government can't run anything effectively and to think that they can run health care is smoking the funny stuff."

And judging by the get-up, this dude knows a thing or two about what funny stuff will do to a person's mind, not to mention fashion sense.

Speaking of minds...

"Three words: Not Good For The Country."

Eh, that's five words, but who cares? Everyone knows numbers are just another made-up government plot to fool the unsuspecting people.

So, what are some of the problems with the health care bill that Congress is trying to pass now?

"That's not a bill. That's socialized." **Shrug**

Ha ha, natives who can't speak English, adorable!

Okay, let's try this again: What are some of the things in it that you have a problem with?

"Oh, I don't know, I don't know." Translation: I can't read.

Fine, let's ask the nice, young lady in tasteful "I survived Roe v. Wade" t-shirt. She looks like she actually knows something about what she's protesting on the Capitol about.

"Yeah, that nice little death tax. Where they would rather send you a $50 check for a blue pill, an end-of-life pill, than pay for the necessary medical expenses."

Whoa, whoa, sex must be really bad for you to refer to that magic blue tablet that helps the hubby get hot for you as an end-of-life pill!

Maybe the guy wearing the impeach Obama (and obligatory Hitler mustache) sign can help clear things up.

"ObamaCare is euthanasia. It's rationing."

"They have a curve, where as you start out as a baby you become more and more important, 'til you get to a certain age you're not important anymore."

Hmmm, wonder why I never heard about this secret curve of death. Must be another liberal lie from the mainstream media.

And where would people find such horrors in the bill?

"I don't even know what's in the bill per se."

Or what that weird French(ish) sounding word even means, but I'll say it anyway cause I'm a teabagger and I don't need the tyranny of the English language telling me what I can or cannot grammatically say!

"Kill The Freaking Bill! Socialized medicine! Rationing! We don't want it!!" Grrrrrrrrrr!

Hello crazy lady, why don't you tell us about your "Ameristan" signs here.

"Okay well, to me he (Barack Hussein Obama) is creating Ameristan: of the government, by the government and for the government."

Why "Stan" though?

"Well, I just think, just um...there's been a lot, uh..." what's that word I'm looking for again?

Oh yeah, foreign! It sounds foreign, yeah, that's it! Foreign! Gross.

"We think the government should adhere to the constitution. When Barack Obama...I don't believe Barack Obama believes in the constitution."

Even though he was a constitutional scholar?

"Eh, so, they say." Just like they say 9/11 wasn't an inside job, Hussein Obama wasn't born in Kenya, and America really landed on the moon.

"It is against our U.S. Constitution, they way these guys are gonna backdoor this health care bill, it's not in...and I have a pocket of, I have a pocket, err, constitution here's in the other pocket."

Okay, so maybe I just have a pocket, but that's not the point.

The point is the same hole Obama used to shove health care down our throats is the very same one that let the damn constitution fall out of my pocket in the first place!

So what would you guys like to see our health care reform look like?

"Tort reform! Tort reform! Tort reform!"

"Stop suing the pants off the doctors, that's why medical bills are so high!"

But independent sources say tort reform would only lower the medical costs by about 1.5 percent? What do you think of that?

Blech. Tort reform! We like AMERICAN cakes, not fancy schmancy European pastries!

Crazy guy who looks like the Unabomber in a sombrero: "I believe that Jesus, Yeshua, the Messiah actually in Hebrew, is our great physician. If we pray to him we can be healed."

Even for people who don't have insurance?

"Natural herbs and remedies have been found even by the Indians, and by the Hindus and by the Chinese to take care of a lot of our ills in a very inexpensive, affordable manner."

Tea for instance?

But, what do you think should happen with the 30 million who don't have insurance?

"I don't believe there's 30 million people that don't have insurance. There's always going to be people who need help. Always, that's a fact of life. There's always gonna be poor people."

Look, they said Hitler killed 6 million of them Jews and we all know what a crock that is.

"I challenge anybody to read that 2,000 plus page bill--the first one that came out and essentially everything they want to do is roughly the same."

Really? But the bill remakes, rather re-regulates the largest industry in our country and it is still only the size of a couple of Harry Potter books.

"Oh, hahahahaha! That's a great analogy because I think if we go into that bill, that's the kind of world we'll be living in, a Harry Potter world."

Where the evil wizard Lord Voldemort (Barack Obama) wants to enslave the rest of the powerless Muggles and it is up to brave Hogwarts like you, me, and the guy carrying the Hitler poster to save humanity.

Why isn't the media covering this?

Ugh, arugula eating elitists!

"We recommend Fox News. Fair and balanced, everyone else is on Obama's side."

Fox News!!

It's like real news, 'cept for dumb racists who don't like big words or smart brown people telling them what to do.

Like drop dead. Or get health care.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

It Wouldn't Be A Health Care Debate Without A GOP Congressman Tossing Civil War Threats Around

Nevermind the millions of struggling Americans whose lives depend on the health care bill passing, the best part of this bill--and there are SO MANY good parts to choose from--is all the casual talk of violence and chaos that will be incited by confused, not-so-bright teabaggers all all across the mighty U.S. of A.

Surely, such wild-eyed fear and widespread panic couldn't be a result of the Republican National Committee's strategy of lies, deception, and crazed cartoons alone!

But from what shining well of wisdom could these apocalyptic visions of doom and destruction be coming from?

Usually, when looking for members of Congress who are likely to make unhinged, borderline-disturbed remarks, we tend to rely on old standbys like Reps. Steve King (R-Iowa) and Michele Bachmann to get the poor masses all fired up about whatever terrifying element is threatening their precious liberty now.

But then like a bolt of lightening in the night sky, out storms Rep. Paul Broun (he's too classy to spell Brown the normal way) to remind the good people of America, that when it comes to Conservative Crazies in Congress, those blue-eyed darlings Steve King and his lovely Queen Michelle ain't got nothin' on this deliciously deranged Georgian peach.

Well, Rep. Broun is very nervous--panicked in fact, over the dark, chocolate-colored menace threatening to wreak Socialist havoc all across hardworking WHITE America. You know of what he speaks. For it has happened before!

"The War of Yankee Aggression," or the Civil War, as its known to normal, 21st century people who don't hate black people, coming this time in the form of a health care system that actually helps people live, not insurance executives live the high life. Oh, the horror!

Thankfully, the same brilliant soothsayer who warned of the second coming of Hitler in the form of a lanky, smooth-talkin' charmer with a sweet jumpshot, is on the House floor to foretell of the hellish nightmare to be if evil health reform passes. Gasp!
"If ObamaCare passes, that free insurance card that's in people's pockets is gonna be as worthless as a Confederate dollar after the War Between The States -- the Great War of Yankee Aggression."

Which is almost as worthless as an American dollar after the War Between Good and Evil--the great War of Dick and Bush!

Ah yes, in the unstable, deluded mind of Mr. Broun, not only is the terrible North responsible for not one, but two civil wars (thanks to that notorious Northern Aggression), but everyone carries a "free insurance card," right next to their "get out of jail free" and "do not pass go" cards. Naturally.

Except for Grandma, who shovel ready or not (sorry, Michelle Bachmann), is going six-feet under, no ifs, ands, or buts about it! And same goes for that li'l Trigger fellow whose only "special need" once evil ObamaCare passes is to be tossed in a shallow grave next to Granny, as quickly, cheaply, and effortlessly as possible.

Think of it as the Republicans' election strategy: goners, either way.

Of course, it is worth noting that if by some miracle of God (or Satan), combined with a hearty dose of Democratic incompetence, the Republicans reclaim the House majority next year, Sir Paul Broun and his stunning intellectual prowess will be the Chairman of the House Science Committee's panel on investigations and oversight. Yay!!

Which means the South finally thwarts the evil Union's unwanted advances, humans evolved from Adam's rib, not disgusting apes in the Congo, the Sun once again revolves around the Earth, and America assumes its rightful place as the bestest, freest, most perfect country in the whole wide world, just like God intended.

Let freedom ring?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Holy Duo Glenn Beck And Steve King Know A Health Care Vote On Sacred Sunday Means A Beautiful Angel Will Die

Rep. Steve King Doin' God's Work Per Usual

With the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) dropping the ATOMIC BOMB that the DEMONcrats' evil health care reform bill will reduce the deficit by $130 billion over the next ten years ($1.2 trillion over 20 years), and extend coverage to 32 million currently uninsured Americans, the dominoes are finally falling into place for Congressional Dems to move ahead and actually vote on this terrible holocaust of the poor, hardworking insurance industry this coming Sunday. Heavens forbid!

Which naturally means the dominoes on the other side of the aisle--who were already hanging by the slightest of threads--are finally falling apart.

Well, blue-eyed angels of mercy Glenn "I am Sam" Beck and Iowa Rep. Steve "Bachmann Wants On This" King, are not about to sit back and have mental breakdowns all by themselves, in the privacy of their own large, spacious homes, where no one can hear their pained cries of liberty lost. No sir-ee!

They're taking their instability straight to the people, expressing their dual outrage in sweet, collective harmony on Glenn Beck's radio show over the terrible news that the House might vote on health care reform this Sunday, the holiest of holy days!

The day the good Lord intended us to rest, not cast unholy votes on Satanic legislation to help dumb poor people not die, while rich fat cat insurance execs can get that sumptuous leopard fur coat with the alligator-skin lining they've been eying for years. Positively drooling over!

Rep. Steve King, for one, will not stand for such sacrilege, and is naturally taking his crusade to the airwaves.

"They intend to vote on the Sabbath, during Lent, to take away the liberty that we have right from God..."

Oh, you didn't know? Like most GOPers, Steve King has a personal relationship with Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.

"Faith has been perverted," Beck responded, then repeated. "They are going to vote for this damn thing on a Sunday, which is the Sabbath, during Lent."

Of course they would, the heretic bastards! Putting people's lives before the Sabbath, it's just sick. Waaaaaaaaay sicker than the millions of people in desperate need of the kind of Nazi coverage this Judas bill would provide.

"Here is a group of people that have so perverted our faith and our hope and our charity, that is a — this is an affront to God," Beck said.

Though Beck conceded that he didn't believe the Sunday vote was consciously chosen as a plot against God, he did find the timing highly suspicious. Though, that does tend to happen when you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia.

"I think it's absolutely appropriate that these people are trying to put the nail in the coffin on our country on a Sunday -- something our founders would have never, ever, ever done. Out of respect for God."

Never, neverr, nevvverrrr, nerrrrverrr, nerrrrrverrrrrr!!!!

Except for that one little time the Republican-controlled Senate convened on Palm Sunday (gasp!) in 2005 to save the only other life that matters to Republicans, besides a developing fetus: brain-dead women in permanent vegetative states, relying on the grace of God in the form of feeding tubes named Terri Schiavo.

Of course, that's totally different since everyone knows when Republicans do something, it is because God wills it, but when Democrats do the very same thing, it is because they are evil Nazis trying to destroy White, Christian America by turning it into a hedonist cesspool of sodomy and sin.

Kind of like when Glenn Beck told listeners last week to "run as fast as you can" from any church that preached "social or economic justice" because those were code words for Communism and Nazism, he really meant for them to flee on those other non-important days of the week, since God could care less about the the rest of the unconsecrated Monday-Friday week.

Sunday, on the other hand, is sacred, never to be soiled by Democratic infidels! I mean, when else can the Creator of Heaven and Earth throw back some brewskies while chillin' in his La-Z-Boy, catchin' some March Madness and not care who sees the Doritos crumbs all over his crisp white tunic?

On a depraved Monday?? Blasphemy!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Teabaggers Know Obama 'Bin' Pretendin' To Be American 'Agin'!

You may think Teabaggers are nothing more than ignorant, gun-crazed Grand KKK Wizards with nothing better to do than intimidate old people at peaceful health care town hall debates, and pretend to go into cardiac arrest outside of Senate offices because they love freedom but hate black presidents who try to give them more health insurance options than starve to death or pay for their five-year-old kid's life saving kidney operation.

But did you know that they are also comic geniuses? Think about it. Without these frizzy haired, toothless lovers of herbs, spices, and liberty waving Nazi signs signs and WWJD posters, there would be no hilariously stupid homemade signs to provide hours of entertainment and hearty laughter for the rest of us unpatriotic Socialists who hate America and want nothing more than to see the Constitution burned and strung up from the nearest tree in an exciting, fun-filled public execution ceremony.

Which is why we are eternally grateful for these loyal patriots who drove their freedom trucks from all across the U.S. of A to head to the heart of darkness (aka Washington, DC) to participate in Tuesday's "Code Red Health Care Rally" to protest the $875 billion health care bill and harass the terrible DEMONcrats trying to shove health care down the throats of decent, hardworking Americans whose throats feel just fine, thank you very much.

But this time, the evil Feminazis and abortionists running the Democratic Party have decided to finally fight back against the crazy Republicans' attempts to turn every single, obscure-yet-common procedural move into proof of the coming doomsday Barackalypse.

House Speaker and chief SS officer, Nancy Pelosi had the nerve to send House Democrats a memo offering tips for how nervous Dems should handle the crowds of blood-thirsty teabaggers swarming their offices, demanding either answers or heads-on-sticks. Preferably, the latter.

"Tens of thousands of conservative and Tea Party activists will be on the Hill as part of what they are dubbing a 'Surge Against Obamacare,'" reads the memo, which also includes a checklist of provisions in the current bill to counter the "caricature of the reform bill presented by right-wing media outlets."

A checklist of facts which includes such mainstream media lies as: "Reduces the deficit; Cracks down on Medicare waste, fraud, and abuse; Provides historic tax credit for small businesses and individuals to purchase health insurance."

Haha, nice try Nancy. I mean who needs facts when you have throngs of pitchfork-wielding teabaggers carrying their own, awesome, homemade versions of the truth?

Truths like "Obama bin Lyin' Agin" because everyone knows our 44th President is really Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden disguised as a charming former community organizer with a sweet jumpshot and a burning desire to reform health care in a twisted, ingenious plot to curb the insurance industries fleecing of the public, and improve the health of the nation, just so he can destroy the whole, robust lot of 'em once they're no longer bed-ridden and/or rotting in debtors prison.

Of course, "Agin" isn't just the savvy teabaggers way of spelling "again," like a true American either, but likely secret code for something terrible and racist dumb people like to call colored presidents when they try to come between them and their doctor and the insurance company already lodged cozily between them.

But the big question is what the hell is a George W. Bush cartoon doing on the above teabagger's lovely sign?

Certainly, it can't be a picture of NObama, without the obligatory Hitler mustache, watermelon patches, or piles of Jewish corpses to accompany it.

C'mon people, how are we supposed to get all fired up about Barry's Bolshevik plot to murder Grandma and snack on Baby Trig if we don't even know how to properly draw an insulting cartoon version of him?

I mean, here we are, supposed to hate the man for destroying The Great America, and all I want to do is hug him, grab some beers, and maybe go for a ride on his magical Dumbo ears over to Crawford Ranch to visit his twin brother and lovely wife Laura, in retirement, after his productive, eight-year stint almost destroying civilization as we know it.

With health care.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Rielle Goes Huntin' For Respect, Sans Pants, Amid Stuffed Kermit And Barney Dolls

Wholesome, American-as-apple-pie, love bunnies Johnny Edwards and Rielle Hunter's fairy tale romance of dull, cancer-stricken wives, reckless infidelity, unchecked hubris, mass delusions, unbridled lust, wild, sex-filled romps, and one surprise li'l bundle of joy by the name of Quinn is now available for your voyeuristic pleasure, courtesy of Rielle Hunter's classy yet sexy new interview with the National Enquirer of glossy men's fashion magazines, GQ.

With some 10,000 words and enough fun, care-free pantsless photos to keep us titillated, mistress-turned-baby mama Rielle Hunter finally decided to open up something other than her nice, toned legs and give America the real scoop about life, love, the wrath of Lizzy, scorned, and of course, her "relationship" with number one hunky hero, "Johnny."

Among the highlights, or lowlights depending on your taste for pathetic, bizarre love triangles involving fallen presidential candidates, snooty, terminally ill wives, and trashy, new age hippies:

-On her relationship with Edwards and their daughter, Quinn: "I love Johnny and I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I don't want to ever do anything to hurt them or hurt their relationship."

Except for having daddy pretend the li'l bastard didn't exist for those first few formative years, lest the child feel confused, unloved, or like a big, fat, life-destroying mistake or anything.

-On her use of "Johnny": "Isn't that funny? You know, when I first met him, the first week of our relationship, I said to him, 'For some reason I cannot call you John, it doesn't come out. Could I call you Johnny?' And he said, 'That's my name.' And I didn't know that, but that's his actual birth name."

Right next to his other God-given full Christian name, smug, cheating, lying, no-good rat bastard.

-On Edwards' support of her GQ interview: "He's very supportive of me talking now. He believes that it's something that will help me be at peace with it. And he knows how important truth is to me. Factual truth as well as spiritual truth."

Okay, fine just incredible orgasms truth.

-On rumors that she initially hit on Edwards: "I'm not a predator, I'm not a gold digger, I'm not the stalker. I didn't have any power in that way in our relationship. He held all the power."

Trust me, the dude literally OWNS her.

-On Edwards' interview with ABC News, in which he reaffirmed his love for his wife, Elizabeth: "[I]t was very painful. Because I had this thing in my head like a lot of women, where you want your man to stand up on a cliff and scream, 'I LOVE HER.' You know, the knight in shining armor. And that wasn't what was going on."

Eh, more like the knight in shining armor who plunges his sword of chivalry and honor right through your maiden heart before chucking your lifeless body off said cliff onto the craggy rocks 5,000 ft below.

-GQ: "Did he call you after the interview?"

-Hunter: "Yes. And I said, 'Ouch, that hurt.' And he said, 'I'm sorry.' And 'It doesn't mean anything.' And it didn't. I know he loves me. I have never had any doubt at all about that. We love each other very much. And that hasn't changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn't go away. It's unconditional. It's unconditional on my part, but our connection is profound. There's a lot of passion there."

About 25 pounds of sweet passion who goes by the name of Quinn.

-On why she thinks Edwards loves her: "Um. How do I answer that? [long pause] I mean, I could give so many answers. I could give a spiritual answer, that I reflect back to him large parts of himself that were unconscious. Like, he's a huge, huge humanitarian. He is very kindhearted and sweet. He's very honest and truthful. And all of that was hidden."

An angel disguised as a deceitful egomaniac with a God-complex, and penchant for $500 haircuts, Italian leather shoes, and wild extramarital sex with weirdo videographers.

-On Edwards's fall from grace: "Everyone talks about how Johnny has fallen from grace. In reality, he's fallen to grace. He is integrated. He is living a life of truth. He has grown in awareness and humility. He had all these things within him, but they weren't the guiding, leading principles of his life. Now they are."

He just had to insert himself deep within Rielle first.

-On their future together: "I have no idea. I do know that I will love him and that love is till death do us part, and probably beyond. We have a child together, so at the very least we will be co-parents together."

But probably closer to the "I have no idea" part.

-On Edwards telling Hunter of his marital problems with Elizabeth: "Well, I was aware of it from the get-go. He doesn't lie to me...He discloses everything to me. And he has no fear of lying to me...He's not afraid of me. He'll tell me anything and everything. Even disclosing to me when women hit on him, and everything that was said, and if he flirted. He has no fear that I'm going to abuse him...

"... And I believe what happened in his marriage is, he could not go to his wife and say, 'We have an issue.' Because he would be pummeled. ... Most of his mistakes or errors in judgment were because of his fear of the wrath of Elizabeth. He's allowed himself to be pushed into a lot of things that he wouldn't normally do because of Elizabeth's story line. And the spin that she wants to put out there. He was emasculated. And you know, the wrath of Elizabeth is a mighty wrath."

See, it's all that bitch with the cancer Elizabeth's fault.

-On her empathy for Elizabeth: "Oh, my God, I have such compassion for her. I really do. I mean, especially when you have terminal cancer...I watched my father die of cancer. It's heart-wrenching to me. But it's also sad to me, her unwillingness to take responsibility for her part in the marriage. And her unwillingness to face the truth. We're all slaves to our unconscious, but she really believes that it's everyone else's fault. And that's heart-wrenching to me, too."

And that's why I stole her hubby, made a baby with him, and refuse to crawl back into the dank, dark D-List Hollywood hole I came from.

-On how Elizabeth discovered the affair: "And she came into the room or he heard her coming, so he hung up the phone abruptly...And then she confronted him and confronted him, and he finally confessed. He didn't confess like she claims in her book. You know, that he came in on December 30 and confessed that it was a one-night stand. That whole one-night-stand thing is not true."

It was many one-night-stands over the course of many passionate, love-making months, God Damn it!

-On when the affair ended: "My stint as a mistress ended July 2008. And then our relationship evolved into something different. ... That was when the National Enquirer — the whole Beverly Hilton thing. That changed our relationship. It changed him; it changed everything. And my stint as a mistress ended. And I was and am happy about that."

I mean a person can only whore around for so long before she starts getting restless, and demands a little more respect than wham bam thank you ma'am.

-On Edwards as a father to their daughter: "Um...he's sweet. He's very loving...She calls him Da-da...She's always known who Da-da is. Yeah. She's never had Da-da missing from her life...He very much wants to be in her life full-time, and he doesn't want to hide."

Shhhhhhh, I think Quinn's coming. Quick, get under the bed, try not breathe too much, and whatever you do, keep your stinkin' trap shut!

-On her being called "kooky": "Kooky. I think that I can give someone kooky, you know? I'm not conventional, I don't fit into a box. But I am grounded. Don't mistake...I am very grounded. People also say I'm crazy. And there's no crazy about me. At all...Perception is projection. Like, for instance, Josh Brumberger, who said in Game Change that I was at the Regency dressed more appropriately for a Grateful Dead concert. Because from Josh's perspective, I seemed weird and wacky. In reality, I was wearing a black TSE cashmere sweater, a Kenneth Cole suede jacket, and jeans. But in his mind, I'm dressed to go to a Grateful Dead concert. Total projection!"

Just like how everyone thinks I'm a dirty, good-for-nothing homewrecking whore who may or not be totally insane, is 100 percent total projection. An illusion, like Elizabeth and Johnny's marriage.

-On a potential Hunter/Edwards wedding: "To date [laughs], we have not spoken about any wedding plans."

Oh you know Johnny, he's such a romantic, I'm sure he's planning our nuptials now...right after he figures out the best way to send me on a way-one trip to becoming one with the heavenly spirit that flows freely from our third eye out to the cosmos and back again, in sweet divine harmony.

-On Andrew Young initially claiming paternity of Edwards' child: "It was Andrew's idea. The first time Andrew said it, I was on the phone with Johnny, and Johnny was screaming at me about the National Enquirer finding me and photographing me. He was very angry. And Johnny doesn't scream. He's not a screamer. But he was screaming at me that day, and Andrew suggested, right then and there, 'Hey, tell him that I'll claim I'm the father.'"

And Johnny stopped shrieking and crying just long enough to say "good idea, Drew. You pretend to be the unstable asshole father and I'll pretend to be a presidential candidate."

-On an alleged sex tape: "I'd love to answer that. But I filed papers and we're in a lawsuit, and I just can't talk about it. [Having sought and won a temporary restraining order to prevent the distribution of the tape, Hunter is suing the Youngs for invasion of privacy.] But I do look forward to talking about it in court, under oath. The truth of all that will come out in court."

Let's just say Johnny knows a thing or two about what women want. Trashy, sleazy home-wrecking hell women. It's like he almost is one of them.

-On the National Enquirer's Pulitzer potential: "To me it shows, as a society, how cut off from the truth we are, that a magazine that pays their sources and every once in a while gets something factually correct is now eligible for a Pulitzer. Wow, we're all going to hell."

No, just you and your angel-in-disguise soulmate Johnny!

-On what she would have done differently: "The only big thing that sticks out is, I never would have gone along with Andrew Young claiming paternity. I would have stood up to that and said, 'Absolutely not. I don't care what the consequences are, I'm done.'"

Well, actually that's not the only thing that sticks out, but I am a respectable woman, and mama always said a real lady never kiss and tells.

-On knowing the very first night that you were something special to him: "I did know, yes. I did know the first night. We had an extraordinary night, and I did know that this was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced. And as we have all learned, that was accurate! [laughs] He in fact did say to me the first night, "Falling in love with you could really fuck up my plans for becoming President."

On the other hand, fucking you is a sure-fire path to the presidency.

To which Rielle of course said, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

Or just have Him spend some alone time with Rielle.

It's great for relieving tension. When you're with her, it's like the weight of the world just sort of washes away, right along with your judgment, dignity, self-respect, marriage, and any chances of being the next great commander-in-chief to catch a couple BJs in the Oval Office by someone other than the wifey.

It's called respect.

Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee, Lousy With Virginity...