Saturday, January 31, 2009

Republicans Concede Change; Grudgingly Elect First Black Chairman

Meet Michael Steele, New Boss Of Republicans

In case anyone actually cares, the Republicans have decided to drop the whole Klansman act and instead grudgingly join the rest of the 21st century in all its beautiful non-segregated glory.

It only took the maximum six ballots for former Maryland Lt. Gov. Michael Steele to become the first ever African-American chairman of the Republican National Committee, after narrowly defeating his lone remaining challenger, Katon Dawson, one of the dwindling few true GOP patriots who still play golf at a whites-only country club.

Republican committee members weren't happy about it but figured it was better to just go ahead and let the colored man win, than cause a big stink for picking their real choices, white supremacist Katon Dawson or the just-as-lovely Chip Saltsman, whose brainchild "Barack the Magic Negro" delighted us for hours.

So congratulations Mr. Steele. We're even willing to overlook the fact that Mike Tyson used to be your brother-in-law.

And bravo to the Republican Party for also making history. We're happy to have you, even if it is oh, a couple decades late.


Friday, January 30, 2009

PETA's Failed Foray Into Sex Industry

Why PETA's New Commercial Makes Me Want To Shove Double-Bacon Cheeseburgers In My Mouth And Stomp Freshly Planted Flowers

It is official. The animal-crusaders over at PETA will not stop until they are the uncontested winners of the world's most irritating organization prize. It is the only explanation for the new veggie porn they tried to pass as legitimate Super Bowl commercial.

Need I remind you of a certain '04 halftime peep show that left the entire nation in Janet Jackson nipple-scarred trauma? Well that was for a nipple. Not even a whole one.

So, tell me PETA, what are the chances a bunch of lingerie models having hot, steamy sex with broccoli, pumpkins, and other assorted vegetables would ever be allowed to air on the highest watched night in television? Or actually make being vegetarian appealing?

Tofu meatballs are never going to be cool, no matter how many legumes you screw.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Game Over For Illinois' Favorite Lego-Haired Crime Boss

In what was no doubt a stunning conclusion to the two-month trainwreck known as Rod Blagojevich's political career, the Illinois Senate unanimously voted 59-0 to immediately turn the esteemed Gov. into just another Mr. with a bad mouth and even worse hair style.

The conviction gives Mr. Blagojevich the wonderful distinction of being the first U.S. governor in more than 20 years to be removed by impeachment. Not to mention, the only IL governor to be ousted from a state that has seen four of its governors indicted on corruption charges since 1968. Quite a feat, my friend!

But don't think this is the end for Illinois' fearless crusader of justice. You don't get stripped of a bleeping golden thing like the governor's office and just quietly walk away with your dignity in tact to go prepare for the upcoming criminal trial you will also likely lose.

No, no, no. You continue to embarrass yourself, family, and every citizen of humanity on your farewell sojourn to join the rest of America in the unemployment line.

There, you will have plenty of time to plot your next fool-proof strategy to win over the hearts of Illinois citizens (and potential jurors) and show what an honest, decent, straight-shooting guy you really are.

If you play your cards right, you just might be able to get Drew Peterson on the stand as a character witness. Can you say trump card?

Blago Freak-Show Express To Derail At Senate Trial After All!

In case you haven't gotten enough of insane governor Rod Blagojevich's awkward
road tour across America, fear not, because the freak-show express has come back home.

Yes, Illinois' own hero governor returns to bravely face lawmakers on the last of his three-day impeachment trial to deliver his closing remarks in a stunning senate showdown.

A surprising departure from the governor's previous winning strategy of boycotting the hearings to get noogied by Joy Behar on The View and act like a potty-mouthed buffoon for 48 consecutive hours on primetime TV.

But, of course, the move comes with certain Blago conditions. The conditions only an innocent person with nothing to hide would demand.

Like asking for 90-minutes to explain why it is all a big misunderstanding and he never tried to do any of the things he explicitly outlined in the hours and hours of wire-tapped evidence played while he was humbly pleading his case to the people's court.

Aside from his closing statement, Mr. Rod Blagojevich will not of course dignify this three-ring circus you call an "impeachment trial" by answering any questions from lawmakers or anyone else. Capeesh?

Good. Then stop bustin' my balls and let's get this f**king thing movin' already. I got little time and lots of famous people to quote. Maestro, please!

Knock, Knock. Who's There? Possible Charges For Patti, Too?!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Master Of The House

It's On!

President Barack Obama faced down scary House Republicans on Tuesday only to find the hard chargin', tough talkin' swingers of the right softer than a bunch Pillsbury dough boys.

The night before a key vote on a key economic stimulus bill, Obama met privately with GOP House leaders on Tuesday where he coaxed them with all the sexy words Republicans like to hear like "Ronald Reagan" "budget cuts" and "big-government, bad."

But just in case that wasn't enough to make these hardened Republicans putty in the president's hand, Mr. Rock Star Obama showed his bipartisan spirit by extending an invitation to several congressman to have drinks at the White House after today's vote.

Since the bill is likely to pass even without a single Republican supporter, Obama figures the least he could do to soften the GOP pain that comes with realizing your party has become totally irrelevant is to offer them a stiff glass to drown their sorrows.

Bottoms up!

Ah, The Sweet Taste Of Victory!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Hard Knock Life: Obama Grounds Citigroup's High-Flying Hopes

Here's To A Job Well Done!

Having secured a sweet $45 billion bailout from taxpayers, the savvy wizards over at Citigroup did what any rational company narrowly escaping bankruptcy would do: Buy a luxurious, new $50 million corporate jet using funds just fleeced from the public, of course!

Citigroup execs defended the move as a smart business deal because any billion dollar banking company that manages to run itself right into the gutter certainly knows a thing or two about savvy business operations.

But then the annoying public got wind of the plan and in typical party-pooper fashion, tried to ruin everything for the humble Citigroup execs, including new Dassault Falcon 7X jets fueled with the blood, sweat, tears (and $45 billion dollars) of hard-working Americans.

Normally, the public's outcry would fall on deaf ears, because business trumps the needs of the "average citizen." It's the American way.

Or at least, it was the American way. That is until Mr. "Man Of The People" Obama became president and screwed everything up.

The Not-Too-Shabby Interior

Monday, January 26, 2009

Don't Worry Planet, Mr. Adorable To The Rescue!

The President At His Finest

After a very long day of flubbed inauguration oaths, never-ending parades, and boring balls where he and Michelle were forced to perform endless slow dances for the adoring crowds, Barack Obama finally got to take a load off.

Yes, even when undoing his tie, exhausted and drained, America's new president still manages to be the most adorable man we've ever elected into office.

He's even cuter when he spends each day of his first week in office gutting another one of Bush's god-awful policies to destroy America.

Today, Obama will single-handedly save the environment, before moving on to fix the economy, end the war, and bring peace to all of humanity, likely by the end of the week.

So congratulations Mr. President!

But really you can stop now. Seriously, dude, you had us at hello.

Screw The Senate, Blago's Takin' His Case To The People!

Insane cartoon character Rod Blagojevich is hitting the media circuit in a desperate, last ditch effort to convince America he is not the foul-mouthed, puffy-haired demon governor he's been portrayed as.

In a move that forced even his defense lawyer Edward Genson to quit because it's impossible to work with an unhinged moron, Gov. Blagojevich decided that instead of attending the Illinois Senate impeachment trial against him on Monday, it would be a much better idea to run around spouting his mouth on any network willing to have him (and that shrieking wife of his).

So while Blagojevich charms the nation with appearances on "Good Morning America," "The View," and "Larry King Live," the Illinois Senate will hold a vote to convict him on impeachment charges and boot him from office.

But not because he is a classless scumbag facing federal charges for trying to shakedown everything from Barack Obama's senate seat to newspaper editorial boards to a friggin' children's hospital.

Not even close. It is all part of the vast conspiracy against Gov. Blagojevich for wanting to make taxes too low, doing too much to help the poor and sick, and just overall loving the citizens of Illinois too much.

But if there's one thing this tireless defender of freedom is sorry for it's using such foul language. He would never use the "f" word if he knew it was being recorded. To think there could be children listening!

Better Days: Blago Busy Signing Important "Documents"

Blago Doin' The Morning Rounds

Saturday, January 24, 2009

You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry...

Okay, so we now know ever-smooth President Barack Obama does have human emotions. Push him hard enough and you may just find yourself on the back end of one of these bad boys: Barack Obama's signature STFU (Shut The F**k Up!) Face.

It's the closest Mr. Cool ever gets to losing it. And with loose-lipped Joe "Shoot-From-The-Hip" Biden
as vice-president, you can bet we'll be seeing quite a few more flashes of Obama's seething rage. In all its tight-lipped, slightly ticked off fury.


Friday, January 23, 2009

The Audacity Of Dope

"Got Dope?"

You've heard of Barack Obama t-shirts, bumper stickers, buttons, mugs, bags, magnets and countless other items featuring El Presidente's likeness.

Well now you can add heroin to the illustrious, ever-growing list of Obama-branded merchandise. Capitalism rules!

The Smoking Gun reports that cops in upstate New York arrested five suspects for their roles in a drug ring that allegedly sold heroin under several brand names, including their newest best-seller, "Obama."

It is no surprise that Obama heroin is the hottest drug to hit the streets, beating out other fan favorites like bin Laden heroin, Harry Potter Ecstasy, Teletubbies cocaine, and green-tinted crack in honor of St. Patrick's Day.

Looks like Mr. Barack Hussein Obama comes out on top once again. Is there anything this man can't do?

Sorry, Caroline, Seat's Taken!

And The Winner Is...Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand!

Here she is my friends, the new junior senator from New York you've never heard of: Congresswoman Kirsten Gillibrand, at your service.

NY Gov. David Paterson's not-at-all controversial pick to replace the unfillable void left by dear Hillary's departure for her consolation prize running the State Department.

Clearly, Miss Gillibrand was chosen for her loyal service as Rep. of New York's 20th congressional district in the U.S. House, and not because a certain replacement governor thinks her ties to moderate Democrats upstate and connections to Clinton's cash-machine could help with his 2010 election bid.

So, that means we don't have to hear about Caroline Kennedy and the senate seat she's not filling anymore, right?

Over the media's dead body. They haven't spent the last few weeks covering every
jaw-dropping twist 'n turn in this thrilling senate seat saga to quit now. Things are just starting to heat up!

Besides, who can resist a
bizarre love triangle featuring political power-grabs, the state of New York, and at least two of the Democratic party’s major dynasties?

Battle For The Big Apple: Paterson Vs. Kennedy

Thursday, January 22, 2009

White House Version 2.0

For the tech geeks in Obama's campaign, accustomed to modern 21st century conveniences like iPhones, the google, and high-speed Internets, yesterday's move into the White House was more like a time-warp back to the technological dark ages of Netscape and Oregon Trail.

So, what's it like living in a place where no cellphones, outside e-mails, IM, or even Facebook is (gasp!) allowed? Where beautiful Macs are replaced by clunky desktops outfitted with six-year old versions of Microsoft software?

"It is kind of like going from an Xbox to an Atari," Obama spokesman Bill Burton explained.

Or from a Wii to that old gray Nintendo box that only works after you blow on it repeatedly. With gusto.

Which just so happens to be a favorite pastime of White House staffers.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Let's Try This Again...


Since we all know what happened the first time Supreme Court chief screw-up John Roberts tried to swear in Comrade Barry, White House counsel Greg Craig decided to try again, hoping this time the nation's esteemed head Justice could actually recite the oath of office without turning it into a jumbled mess of unconstitutional nonsense.

Although the White House insisted the do-over was out of an "abundance of caution,"
President of cool Barack Obama was his usual charming self, joking it was because "We decided it was so much fun."

It was not at all to make sure some right-wing loonies didn't start trying to claim that Obama wasn't really the president. The flubbed inauguration oath was just another scheme in the vast terrorist conspiracy known as
Barack Hussein Obama.

Barry's First Day Anything But Business As Usual

Mr. Squeaky clean Barack Obama isn't wasting any time trying to put the gleam back on the grime-filled White House floors. Apparently, eight years of dirty politics leaves quite a hard-to-scrub film.

So, on his first day as president, Obama rolled up his sleeves and announced his decision to freeze the salaries of aides making
$100,000 a year, including the high-profile jobs of White House chief of staff, national security adviser and press secretary. Good luck breaking the news to Rahmbo.

Go-getter Barry also introduced new lobbying rules which he called tighter "than under any other administration in history" and issued an executive order to begin the process of closing down Guantanamo Bay so America can stop being seen as the a**hole torturers of the world.

First hundred days? Please. Barry will handle it in his first 100 hours.

Obama With Newly Poor Chief Of Staff Rahm Emanuel

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Havin' A Ball!

Happy Feet: The First Couple Kick Things Off

It's been quite a day.

Barack Hussein Obama was officially sworn-in as president to complete the nation's seamless transition from international disgrace to world pride.

His excellency even managed to keep it cool when brilliant Bush-appointed Chief Justice John Roberts tried to sabotage his big moment by flubbing the
oath of office and throwing everyone off for a not-at-all awkward moment or two.

Followed by a couple hours of lunching, parade walking, hand waving, smiling, and as always, the media's riveting play-by-play commentary. Plus, a complete fashion breakdown of 2009's hottest inauguration won't believe who showed up in what!

But now that Obama is king, I mean president, it's time to let loose, throw back a few, and boogie the night away at one of the ten inaugural balls featuring Michelle and Barack's signature slow-dance cameo.

Or if you didn't happen to make it on the guest list, you can always watch it on tv like the rest of us losers not named Beyonce.

Waltzing In Style

Time To Party Like It's 2009!

Ah, Yes, A Sight For Sore Eyes

We've finally made it, my friends! Today is January 20th, the historic day Barack Obama is inaugurated president and America is saved.

That's right. After today, no one will hate us anymore, the economy will suddenly surge to life (Obama memorabilia, anyone?), Iraq and Afghanistan will transform into flowering pillars of democracy, and a cooler, friendlier mother earth will finally get around to fixin' those darn o-zone holes in her atmosphere. Expensive little buggers too.

So rejoice America! And thank you, President Obama for not only wanting the task of fixing this hellhole of a mess, but for hands down being the absolute best man for the job. Period.

No offense, Hill.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very important parade to go watch.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Making The Dream Reality

Thanks to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s dream, President Barack Obama's about to become our reality.

And in Mr. goody two-shoes Obama's reality, honoring the birth of the great civil rights leader who sacrificed everything, including his life, to bring justice and equality to all Americans should mean more than not having to work or learn every third Monday in January.

Mr. President over here thinks Martin Luther King Day should be about giving back, and is calling on all Americans to volunteer in one of the 12,100 service projects around the country, delivering meals, refurbishing schools, and strengthening communities.


Can someone please remind this guy he still has another day until he's president?

Maybe he should go find some kids to push, kittens to kick, or freshly planted gardens to stomp on. You know, just get it out of his system.

Kind of like that other guy Obama's always talking about.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Wait Of The World

Yes, yes this is all very exciting.

Barack Obama's about to become not just the first black guy to ever become president, but the first smart guy to become president in almost a decade. Eight years to be exact!

It would probably be even more exciting if the whore media didn't earn its keep by trying to suck all remaining dignity and awe out of the whole "being proud of your president" thing, but hey, who's complaining?

No one, actually. They're all too excited and uncharacteristically optimistic about Barry!

After eight years of freedom fries and failure, I guess there's only one thing left to say about Barack Obama's presidency.

Bring It On!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Just Like Ma And Pa Taught Him!

Our Sentiments Exactly

Turns out Ponzi-scheming a**hole Bernard Madoff comes from a long line of dirtbags who've run afoul of the law. Take mother Sylvia and father Ralph, for instance.

These two shining gems of humanity did more than just produce our friend Bernard. They managed to rack up quite an impressive federal record themselves. Complete with sexy stuff like securities fraud, tax evasion, and all the other sleazy Madoff-y money schemes you'd expect from the original hell-pair that brought us Bernie.

Too bad both Sylvia and Ralph Madoff died in the 1970s.

They would've been so proud of their little Bernie!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Johnny Mac Says Cindy's Dancing Future Not In The Stars

Ugh, John McCain ruins everything!

First he ruined that lovely Sarah woman's vice-presidential hopes. Now he's ruining things for his number one lady love, socialite trophy-wife Cindy McCain, whose life-long dream is apparently to traipse around half-naked in a unitard before millions of Americans on the hit show
"Dancing With The Stars."

Rumor has it that Cindy was in talks with producers just before Thanksgiving to appear as a dancer on the show, which she wanted to do very badly.

But then the honorable John S. McCain "put the kibosh on it" because he knows a few things about bad decisions.

Including letting his hot, rich young wife cavort with some sexy stud muffin mancer (that's what Johnny calls men dancers, hehe) for hours on end before having to come home to her 72-year-old NOT-president hubby with mild-to-severe arthritis.

Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-That's All Folks!!

Eight long, dreadful years and this is what we get?

Blah, blah, blah, 9/11, terrorism, thank you Dick, thank you Condi, been a real pleasure servin' y'all these last 8 years keepin' America safe and all, good luck to the O-man, I know everyone's excited about making history, should be fun, let's just hope his luck's better than mine hehe. But seriously folks, for the final time: Good night.

Oh, and God bless America. Between me and you, she's gonna need it. W-out!!!!!!!

"I Think My Work Here's Done!"

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Maniacal Terrorist Birds No Match For Former Air Force Fighter Pilot

It's A Bird, It's A Plane...It's A Bird In The Plane!?

Crazed, killer birds attacked a US Airways flight en route from New York to Charlotte on Thursday, clogging the engine and causing the plane to plunge into the icy Hudson river.

But, luckily for all 150 passengers and 5 crew members aboard, the terrorist birds were no match for the "masterful" skills of Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, a former Air Force fighter pilot, who heroically guided the plane safely into the water, sparing the lives of everyone aboard.

Unfortunately, the flock of geese didn't make it. Our deepest condolences to PETA for the loss.

For The Birds

Homosexuals May Soon Be Able To Die For America, Too!

With one graceful wave of his magic wand, homo-loving socialist president-elect Barack Obama is going to let gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and other sexual miscreants serve openly (gasp!) in the military by repealing 1993's controversial "don't ask, don't tell" policy. The Army's polite way of saying, "Homos, No Welcome!"

Obama's White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs made the earth-shattering announcement during a YouTube Q & A exchange when some dude named Thadeus from Lansing, Mich., dropped the GLBT bomb on him, asking, "Is the new administration going to get rid of the "don't ask, don't tell policy?"

Looking straight into the camera, Gibbs made clear the Obama administration's desire to turn America into one big, gay dance party. With guns.

"Thadeus, you don't hear a politician give a one-word answer much. But it's, 'Yes.'

Ya, hear that Thadeus?

Barack Obama believes in equality! He thinks that everyone, not just straight people should be able to die proudly for their country.

Well, that and who can resist some hot girl-on-girl action?

Be All You Can Be?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Will Someone Please Put A Muzzle On Her Already?

They Don't Call Her Barricuda For Nothin'

Sarah Palin emerged from her winter wonderland to set the record straight on a few things the gotcha! media did to ruin her perfectly lovely campaign.

And believe me hell hath no fury like Sarah scorned. This gal's got fightin' words for everyone!

On the Wicked World of Journalism:
"Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me....the Anchorage Daily News, they called again to ask — double-, triple-, quadruple-check — who is Trig's real mom." Oh, the nerve!

On Seeing Russia From Alaska:
"You Can!"

Palin on the Campaign in Hindsight:
"Tell the campaign that you'll be callin' some of the shots. Don't just assume that they know you well enough to make all your decisions for ya." Oh, you betcha!

Palin on SNL and Self-Deprecation:
"I can laugh at myself, too!"

Good, cause everyone else certainly will be.

Let It Out, Sarah!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

'Til Death Do Us Part?

Fifth Time's A Charm?

Lady magnet and suspected murderer of two of his four former wives, former police sergeant Drew Peterson has captured the heart of another strapping, young twenty-something with good looks and an apparent death wish.

Christina Raines, the current girlfriend of Drew Peterson, is so smitten with her man that she has decided to move into his Chicago-area home, along with her two young children, despite accusations that he killed not one, but two former wives who also looked like they could be his daughter.

So, congratulations to Miss Christina Raines and her exceptional taste in men for beating some steep competition to win the "Drew Peterson Lottery."

I guess some women just have all the luck.

"Um, 911, I Think My Husband's Trying To Kill Me!"

Let's Do The Time Warp Again!

Then ('96)

Wow. In case you forgot that the Obamas are infinitely more glamorous, interesting, and desirable than the rest of us slobs will ever be, a little gem from the New Yorker comes along to remind us all of our rightful place. Far, far below.

While most of us were still in our grunge stage, Barack and Michelle spent 1996 musing on their lives, future, and relationship together for a photography project on couples in America.

Some pretty good stuff for more than decade old material.

Obama may go into politics, but that makes Michelle a nervous because she's a private person and doesn't want her life to be an open book, especially if she has kids (which she definitely wants).

Also, she doesn't really trust politicians and thinks Barack
’s "too much of a good guy for the kind of brutality and skepticism" involved in that anyway.

But, if there's one thing Barry's taught her, it's that life is what you make of it. You gotta loosen up and feel comfortable with taking risks.

So, Michelle is the boring, come from a stable two-parent family one and Obama is the more "out there, flamboyant" one whose family was less traditional, more wandering patchwork of free-spirits. But together, I guess you could say they complement each other nicely.

Too bad they never really accomplished anything.


Monday, January 12, 2009

Comrade Barry Vows To Close Down Gitmo, Restore U.S. Reputation

Mr. Cool Barry Obama Ponders College Life

Before deciding to threaten America's very existence by closing down the
U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay, president-elect Barack Obama was just another cool, sunglasses wearing college kid trying to find his place in the world.

That place, as it turns out, is in the White House Oval Office, where one of Barry's first duties as President will be to order the closing of Guantanamo Bay, where the U.S. keeps suspected terrorists nice and cozy and occasionally strapped to a waterboard while they wait (and wait...) for charges to be brought against them. Or not.

Part of Obama's challenge in closing down the prison will be to figure out what to do with the estimated 250 al-Qaeda and Taliban suspects and potential witnesses currently being held at Guantanamo. But that shouldn't be too difficult.

I'll have to double-check with George and Laura, but I'm pretty sure Crawford Ranch is free on weekdays. From what I've heard, they're even looking for a few good men to help handle ranching duties.

Problem solved!

A Gitmo Farewell?