Friday, July 30, 2010

Will 1,000,000 Facebook Prayers Be Enough To Save Dearest Glenn Beck From Becoming America's Favoritest Blind Prophet?

When we were hit with the devastating news that the oracle of the ages, the spiritual eyes of loyal Christian patriots around the world, Glenn Lee Beck, may or may not go blind within the next year, we could hardly believe our still-functioning ears!

Not Glenn Lee Beck, the beautiful blond-haired, blue-but-maybe-also-blind-eyed divine angel of truth sent from the heavens to teach us mere mortals all about freedom, His Holiness, and why America is the bestest, most awesomest country ever to be blessed by God (and Glenn!) on the face of the Earth. Oh, please, please, Lord, anyone but him!

Well thank sweet sufferin' Jesus at least one über-concerned Beck head had the wherewithal and good sense to create a Facebook page called "1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck" in the hopes that when his Holiness is casually perusing the Internets, like he usually does right after sunrise, He comes across this Glenn Beck-devoted page and suddenly realizes perhaps this beloved man is worth the time and effort to heal, after all! Why else would all these people be saying so on Facebook, if it wasn't true?

But what if God's too busy hanging out with angels on clouds or whatever to go on other people's Facebook pages and read all those concerned prayers, or what if He is old and behind the times and only has a MySpace or Friendster? Then what???

Just to be on the super safe side, wouldn't it make more sense to post prayers on God's Facebook page, so you'll know he'll get them (right away!), instead of maybe getting lost or stolen by Sarah Palin's loyal army of Facebook footsoldiers?

Because, we're assuming these are the same people who created the Facebook page praying that Barack Hussein Obama would die, and as far as we know, that bastard's still breathing away...

So ya know, just a suggestion.

But enough prattling on, let's take a look and see all the wonderful not-really prayers and messages concerned, Glenny Beck-blindness-consumed supporters have been leaving on the page's official "wall." Kind of like the Wailing Wall, 'cept this one is in cyberspace 'stead of Jerusalem, which is like probably holier if you think about it. Err, on second thought, it's probably better if you don't!
"Father in Heaven please show your mercy to your servant Glenn Beck. Lord I pray that you would grant him his sight to glorify yourself through him. Lord if it is to be that he loses his sight, I pray for a joy and peace with it, for him and his family, which passes all understanding. In Jesus name I pray."


"Prayed for you and your family last night. PROTECTION and continued wisdom. Not long ago I prayed for a modern day person to look up to. I'm thanking God for answering my prayer. You are so bold and unafraid. Thank you for using your gifts to glorify God. Love you, Glenn Beck!"

"Glenn, I started out thinking you were a bit too silly to ever make a real difference. In the past year I have seen you evolve into a legend. At this critical time in America you are so obviously put here as a guiding light to remind us all of the blessing of being American. I pray for your success and that you don't... lose your eyesight. We all recognize truth when we hear it... if we only listen with our heart."

"I see God's loving white light surrounding you and protecting you of any and all evil energies that may cause you any harm or discomfort. May this affirmation bless every patriot that is on the same educational mission to save our country. Thank you God for Glen Beck! Thank you God for giving each of us the courage to ...stand in our own power and speak the truth about the evil forces that is trying to destroy our lives and country."

"Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life; of Whom shall I be afraid? Be not afraid Glenn. God is watching out for you. He has sent prayer angels to bathe you in daily prayer."

As powerful and worthy of God's attention as these wonderful Jesus-filled odes to Glenn are, for those Beckians looking for an even more direct way to communicate with God, just close your eyes, get down on bended knees, fold your hands together, and say a prayer...IN YOUR MIND. Since it is a proven scientific FACT that God is in your mind and hears your every thoughts.

Plus, you don't even have to worry about God missing your wall post when He does His daily scan of the Earth. Rest assured knowing He will most certainly "hear" your silent prayer, and make a note of it in his blackberry or perhaps iPad if He's more of an Apple deity.

But, whatever you do, never forget the 1,000,000 Prayer For Glenn Beck Mission Statement:
"We support Glenn Beck and believe in the power of prayer. We pray that God will continue to bless, protect and give wisdom to Glenn, his family and all of his staff."

"We also pray that God will continue to bless Glenn with the gift of sight- for his vision has blessed our country by strengthening our faith, providing for us reason to hope and encouraging us to love others through charity."

"Please share and suggest this page to all of your friends and let Glenn know that we are praying for him and appreciate all he does for our country."
OMG, someone get Glenny's chalkboard quick! What's 3,375 People Like This times 1,000,000 Prayers For Glenn Beck, multiplied by the infinite power of God, divided by the terribleness of Obama, plus the awesomeness of Fox News, minus the number of eyes a good Christian patriot has, and you my friends have the precise GOD-GIVEN percent chance of Glenny not only making it out of this ordeal with his precious eyesight, and ability to weep pretend tears, miraculously restored, but his long-lost sanity as well.

LOL, JK! C'mon not even God is powerful enough to make that happen, silly fools!

Oh yeah, and one more thing! Please remember to adjust your Facebook privacy settings so that when God tries to read and/or respond to your prayers, he doesn't get the ol' "this user only shares some of his profile information with everyone. If you know this user, send him a message or add him as a friend."

Cause that's just awkwaaaaard!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Republicans Love Blacks & Mexicans So Much, They Just Can't Stop Saying & Doing Weird, Racist Things All The Time

The world's dopiest illegal stasher of $7 million secret RNC debt, Chairman Michael Steele (who else, yo?) and most deviant duper of liberals and black racists in the White House and NAACP, right-wing media monster mogul Andrew Breitbart are joining forces to create the biggest, most bad-ass fund-raising juggernaut the Republicans, no, make that the world, has ever seen!

Because, surely, rich, old white people be clamoring to get their their photo taken with their favorite national joke, and favorite national scumbag, respectively, at an awesome, fun-filled (albeit lesbian free) event in Beverly Hills on August 12.

There, Tweedledee and Tweedledum of Teabaggers will likely delight the crowd with all the things incompetent, bumbling fools and weaselly, a**hole duos do to "make money" off people who actually want to give their money to a Party that considers these two losers as a super-sexy fundraising draw. Oooh, sounds exciting!

Perhaps they will argue about who is less racist and loves black people more, the RNC Chairman who is so off-the-hook down with the brothas, he leads a Party that openly admitted to using racism as an actual strategy for the past 40+ years, or the white media maverick who tries to get innocent black USDA officials and longtime civil rights leaders fired for learning a valuable lesson about how the only the color that really matters is green, via partial video clips that don't show anything except how much Andrew adores black people everywhere except in the White House or the NAACP.

In fact, the Grand Old Party is sooooooo not racist, they won't even fire a black man for doing everything he could possibly do wrong except being black because that would look really bad for the party still steaming over Northern aggressors' demanding they stop enslaving 'em or hanging 'em from trees.

To be perfectly honest, the color-blind men and women in the Republican Party would love nothing more than to never discuss race again except when refusing to fire woefully incompetent chairmen because of said race (pssst: black!) because running an organization into the ground is how you prove that color matters less than content of character. For reals yo!

Just Like Martin Luther King (or was it Glenn Beck?) dreamed it would be.

Either way, this Steele-Breitbart cash money bonanza is nothing less than a pure COMEDY GOLD MINE!

And we all know how the Republicans feel about gold these days.

Even the black (gasp!) kind that oozes its delicious marine-killing goodness all over America's coastal shores.

I mean, how much more not racist can you get? Wanna know what else is totally, 100% not racist?

Arizona's ¡Adiós Amigos! law saying hasta la vista to all those dirty Mexicanas streaming across the border, contaminating their once-pure desert air.

Thanks to Judge Susan Bolton of the Federal District Court in Phoenix, who has issued “a preliminary injunction blocking the more controversial parts" of Arizona's Nazi immigration law, like the awesome "carry your papers" provision that helps solve the immigration problem by constantly harassing brown or similarly colored people who look suspiciously like terrible, gross Mexicans.
The overall law will still take effect Thursday, but without the provisions that angered opponents including sections that required officers to check a person's immigration status while enforcing other laws.

The judge also put on hold parts of the law that required immigrants to carry their papers at all times, and made it illegal for undocumented workers to solicit employment in public places. In addition, the judge blocked officers from making warrantless arrests of suspected illegal immigrants.

"Requiring Arizona law enforcement officials and agencies to determine the immigration status of every person who is arrested burdens lawfully-present aliens because their liberty will be restricted while their status is checked," U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton ruled.
Liberty shmiberty! What about Aryanzona's liberty to discriminate against poor migrant workers who may or may not be terrible illegals from Mexiland coming to rape their wives and steal their livestock? Or was it the other way around?

Who is going to fight for them? Who's going to stand up for the poor, scared white folks simply trying to keep their beautiful country free from red-and-green sombrero wearing invaders salsa-dancing across barbed wire fences and roving gangs of armed white supremacists all for the chance to give little José and Rosalita a better life by getting wantonly discriminated against by toothless, trigger happy sheriffs prowlin' for La Bamba blastin' truckloads of lawless Latino laborers??

Why, the freedom fighting daughter of famed 1955 California Nazi hunter and blond haired angel of the parched, Mexican drug lord-overrun apocalyptic wasteland of Aryanzona, Gov. Jan Brewer, of course!
“I am disappointed by Judge Susan Bolton’s ruling. This fight is far from over. In fact, it is just the beginning, and at the end of what is certain to be a long legal struggle, Arizona will prevail in its right to protect our citizens.
And protect the pure white sanctity of these once grand, once wholesome, once beautiful milky hued land of Gila Monsters and old white retirees in Cubs hats.
“I have consulted with my legal counsel about our next steps. We will take a close look at every single element Judge Bolton removed from the law, and we will soon file an expedited appeal at the United States Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit.”
Ugh, thanks a lot for ruining everything SUSAN BOLTON!  Why do you hate white people that much? Has  Shirley Sherrod taught you nothing?

Guess you leave G.I. Jan with no choice but to classify you as a dirty, illegal Messican, place you under arrest, and deport you to a dark, creepy place where no one in their right mind would ever dare venture.

And now that Arizona's is no longer an option, guess that leaves just one place: bound and gagged in the basement of a faux lezzie S&M bondage club. Or, in other words, the next RNC fundraiser.

Michael Steele will personally see to it that every inch of her body is thoroughly strip-searched to satisfaction. Heck, just to be on the safe side, he'll even do it himself.

Some things are just begging to be screwed.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The "Healthy Lifestyle" Of Mama Bear Sarah And Her Precious Lovebirds' Bristol & Levi's Drama-Free Sleigh Ride To The Altar

ARGHHHH, Help Bristol, Some Weird Thing Is Touching Me!!

Beloved Arctic heartthrobs Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston decided why the hell not give Us Weekly a little more of the gossipy good stuff, who in turn decided why the hell not place the BRISTOLing interview with the li'l lovebirds in their “Healthy Lifestyle” section of their site, because there is nothing healthier than unprotected, underage babymaking by two teenagers whose relationship consists of magazine covers and teevee interviews.

Us Weekly knows this! Trust me, you don't get to be the go-to rag of ironic teen hipsters with just a freakin' orange dwarf sextin' with John McCain alone!

Puh-lease! Haha, maybe if you wanna be Ok! (**Shudder!**).

Anyway, so Bristy gives Us the exclusive, juicy details about how her awful, ghastly beast of a mother (and now grandmother) Sarah Louise Palin "doesn't really approve" of her (fake) surprise engagement and reality $how auction to playboy gossip whore Levi Johnston and is "not 100 percent backing us up right now."

Oh, really you don't say! I thought Sar was positively swooning over the pending nuptials of her 19-year-old revenue booster's white wedding (in snow only--wink, wink!) to hung hockey hunk Levi Johnston. It totally seemed that way judging by her weird passive-aggressive statementy thing about “praying” for them, and alluding to "struggling with forgiveness" and other oddly decent human qualities. 

"She's apprehensive and concerned about this. She doesn't want to see me get hurt again," Bristol said.

Eh, hate to break it to ya toots, but it's more she doesn't want to see blabbermouth ex-loverboy's shoot their pieholes off to the lamestream media no more or she's gonna show them what else she can shoot, and it ain't spit!

"Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives."

Ummm, we're actually all pretty much cool with it. But hey, you go ahead and keep telling yourself that, hon! Whatever makes it easier for you to wake up in the morning!

"She knew Levi and I had been talking, but she wanted to know if Levi was really sincere about this," says Bristol. "I told her we were working on our relationship for Tripp, and she told me, 'Actions speak louder than words.'

You betcha! But clichés come second, with tattoos a distant third.

"She's going to wait to see if he changes... But she's just glad he is getting on the right path. She knows how much Tripp means to me, and she wants Tripp to have a father figure."

Preferably, hanging stuffed on a wall in the home office!

Bristol said she was worried about telling her mother that she's engaged to Levi, a problem she obviously solved by spilling the beans on the cover of a popular celebrity trashloid instead.

“We got engaged two weeks ago. It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.”

"Sarah and Todd Palin have not given their blessing to this wedding. In fact, Us Weekly asked Levi, ‘Did you ask for Bristol’s hand?’ and he said, ‘No. I know that if I had, Sarah and Todd would have said no.'"

Actually, Sarah would have said, not on your stinkin' life Mr. Ricky Hollywood, ya media whorin' no good slimy rat bastard! And Todd would have nodded and grunted ummm hmmm, lest he unleash "angry" Sarah upon his poor shattered soul and bruised 'n battered body.

But alas, tabloid-splattered love conquers all, even starry-eyed offspring of vicious, spurned Alaskan Shakespearean poetess's, whose living, breathing prose comes in 140 character (max) blasts of rogue flavored fun!

“I came home from work one day, and there was tons of flowers all over my room, and there’s flowers, like rose petals, in the shape of a heart on my bed,” Bristol said. “Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”

Bristol didn’t even have to think about her response, “There was no hesitation at all.”

Now that's Mama's girl!

Act impulsively now, regret later!

 "What I've done is starting to sink in, and every family member of mine has some concerns -- and that is scaring me."

Not to mention the 500 collective shotguns between the six of 'em!

"My dad is on the same page as my mom: they don't want to see me get hurt. They don't want to see again what I already went through with Levi."

Good grief, girl! When are you going to understand it is not about you, it is about her? Always!

"People are more worried for me than excited for me."

I can't possibly imagine what on earth for??

Surely, not because of my long history of rash, bad decisions, inherent genetic defects, toxic Barracuda rearing, and burning, subconscious urges to show Mama Bear how a real mother neglects and damages their first born precious miracles of God (or drunken regret) by repeating a slightly tweaked version of mama's same mistakes.

Of course, it is not yet known whether the mother of the bride, Sarah Palin, will attend or if she is indeed the heartless, ice cold wretch of the snowy North we feared she was, whose big ego, selfish whims, and petty jealousy keep her away from this holy ceremony of matrimony, and leave her baby-makin' baby bride-to-be Bristol, a motherless cub with nothing but a white Carolina Herrera gown to comfort her on her most blissful wedding day?

But either way, the Bristol-Levi wedding bash is gonna be the hottest thing to hit Alaska since like...ever, or at least since God pointed his finger at that sacred spot so many years ago and went kablooey!
“It’s going to be the wedding of the century in Alaska. Our version of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ wedding,” a Palin family friend told Us Weekly. “Everyone would kill to get an invite even if it means having to buy them an expensive gift. It’s just too bad that her mother has refused to attend. Although I can’t say I blame her after everything that boy has put her through.”
Sniffle, I get teary-eyed just thinking about it! Like how it feels just terrible to get sold out by loved ones for a little money and fame. Like they always say, nothing heals a broken heart quite like petty revenge, or was it time?

But whatever, nothing a pricey wedding gift can't solve, since everyone knows gifts are the most important part about entering into a sacred union with another person for the rest of your life. Duh!

But wait, what's this we hear about First Dude Todd's going rogue??
“With or without Sarah, Todd will be walking his daughter down the aisle,” the family friend said. “He has been looking forward to this day ever since Bristol was a little girl and wouldn’t miss it for anything or anyone.”
Aww, how sweet! Todd is going to put on his galoshes, grab his sled, and mush her to the alter! Will go perfectly with li'l Tripp and Levi's matching camo vests!

Too bad Sarah will likely lay a moose egg over Todd's li'l fatherly sleigh ride to the alter, and probably tweet her divorce to him later that day.

“It just feels right to be a family,” Bristol said. Err, or at least until next week's issue hits the stands and all hell breaks loose.

The famousest First Family of the Final Frontier's foremost frozen meth lab, and abandoned soul-crushing spawn place of Sarah, the one and only, wondrous Wasilla!

Even if its star attraction, Mama grizzly can't make it.

She'll simply adore his wicked, new R&B ballad "After Love" and its accompanying sexy new music video about a...wait for it..."loony interfering mom," of all things!
In conceiving the video, director Evan Winter admitted that he "riffed off [Johnston's] real-life situation." It shows a couple sharing "tender moments before they are driven apart by the young woman’s mother," the Associated Press reports. "Unaware that her mom’s interference forced her boyfriend to go, she throws herself into her mother’s arms. She tells her mother that she was wrong about Levi."
OMG, looks like Levi's joined wifey Bristol as America's other most prominent young actor. Guess she's not the only one with the acting chops and talent to make it as a real, live teevee star around here!

It's like Mama P always said, the show must go on!

And a sweet, well-mannered boy like Levi Johnston would never disappoint the ol' ma-in-law.

Which means, Sarah darling's gonna have to wait another two years (uh, how long those term thingys last again?) 'til she's (finally!) President and can have that darn boy killed already, and all traces of his existence destroyed!

Ooooh, looks like someone just thought of the perfect (surprise) anniversary gift, to boot!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

President Obama Hopes A Li'l History-Making Daytime Chat With The Ladies (Oh & Whoopi Too!) Will Provide A Rosier View Of Things

What do you do when you're the once-charming, suddenly unpopular, most powerful person in all the world?

Why, you go on ABC's popular teevee show with the three ladies and that one insane, talking muumuu named Whoopi or Whopper or whatever, and pray to the television gods that Babs Walters, unemployed homemakers, and orgasm-inducing shampoo commercials are just the magic touch needed to restore all that hopey-changey feel goodness of your 2008 View-fueled Mojo!

Who needs leaked Afghan memos, endless, boring Republican obstructionism, or renegade racist states like Aryanzona when you can make history simply by wasting an hour on daytime television??
“We are so pleased and honored that President Obama will be a guest on The View. The President last appeared on the program in March 2008 while he was still a Senator -- and First Lady Michelle Obama was a featured guest co-host in June 2008. This shows that both the President and First Lady feel that our show is an influential and important source of information and news."
I mean how could that adorable back-up quarterback's wife's Teabagger ramblings, cutesy fashion sense, and daily tear-filled musings on the Bachelor not be considered important news? She was on Survivor for Christ Sake!

Babs totally agrees.
In honor of this rare occasion, creator/executive producer and co-host of The View Barbara Walters will make an exclusive in-studio appearance to mark this historic hour. "I’m also going to appear on The View Thursday for the first time since my open heart surgery in May. I will return full-time in September.”
Apparently, an orange dwarf named Snooki and six-pack with an Italian accent known as the Situation weren't enough for Ms. Walters' to throw back her down-quilted covers, change out of her robe and slippers, freshen up her face, Aqua Net her hair to perfection, and make her first appearance on the show since taking a hiatus to recover from heart surgery.

Barry, on the other hand, is a different story altogether!

Totally beats last month's Skype® with Sherri and the gals!

SO get excited, daytime television watching, estrogen-filled America!!

It will be oodles of fun now that the gang's all here! Not to mention, the guest of all guests, Barry Hussein NObama! Which sure as hell beats that Kate + Eight lady talking about her new 'do and all the fun, creative ways she's cooked up (the one thing she can cook!) to exploit her litter o' kids on the telly now!

President Obama’s interview, scheduled to tape on Wednesday, July 28th, will feature such sizzling hot topics as his "administration's accomplishments, jobs, the economy, the Gulf oil spill, and family life inside the White House."

Ugh, but what about all the important stuff like what he thinks of Mel's recent tape-recorder woes, Bristol and Levi's surprise nuptials, and LinLo's jail time??

Surely, they'll leave enough time for that!

So long as Whoopi doesn't come all drugged out again, and start incoherently rambling about how "we don't know who or what or where" to explain why all the troubled famous people she's BFF with are in fact not the insane racists and wife-abusing bastards we all thought they were, Joy doesn't go into one of her "So What, Who Cares" monologues about sagging breasts, hot middle aged sex, and other such challenges facing aging, hilarious, red-headed NY comedians who love liberal presidents almost as much a nice Merlot, warm bath, and not being married, we might be okay.

Provided, of course, that Elizabeth doesn't start crying about how stem cells are people, and why everyone is ignoring her because she loves freedom, and Sherri doesn't pass out from being thisclose to a real, live flesh 'n blood brotha with a hot bod (hotter job) and positively heart-melting smile, who manages to balance raising two daughters with the rigorous demands of leading the free world, without even peacing out on his nagging, needy wife, it should be a lovely, lady-filled good time!

Ooooh, she even taped it so Jeffrey and her can watch mama talk to Obama later. And then again, alone, after Jeffrey's gone to bed when it's just her, some silk pajamas, a box of Chips Ahoy, an oatmeal and cucumber mask, and her new boyfriend Barry to lull her softly to sleep.

Ooooh sweet sufferin' Jesus, this is one fine motherf**kin' View!

Good Lord, yes! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, she always knew you were listening up there, girl!!

Ooooh weeeee!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Rarrrrrr! Asia's Computer-Animated Vision Of Mud Wrestling, Pole Dancing, Dope Smoking, Lara Croft Version Of 2012 Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin

It's always refreshingly eye-opening to see how other cultures view America's various power-hungry demagogues and fraudulent national celebrities embarrassments, especially when that culture happens to be of the Asian variety, where every last one of us will likely be employed as factory workers in the near future,  making cheap, poorly constructed products to sell en masse to the Chinese or Japanese or Taiwanese or any other place ending in ese.

In this case, it is a lovely computer animation video from what is believed to be Taiwan (we can't read Asian characters anyway, so we'll just take their word for it), showing America's Arctic pride and joy Sarah Palin as she explores her potential 2012 presidential run.

And much as you would expect our favoritest Alaskan drifter version of Shakespeare to be portrayed, the computer animation artists over in Taiwan depict beloved 46-year-old Grandma and Master of Mama Bears the world over, Sarah Palin, as a bikini-clad teenage mud wrestler who seems perpetually confused as she goes about her daily activities of gunning down innocent four-legged creatures from planes, coining new and poetic words for the English language, dancing around a stripper pole campaign funds, parachuting into Teabagger rallies, smoking phat doobies with First Dude Todd while the rest of the Palin clan fight, make babies, and fire machine guns into the air while chillaxin' on their front porch in Wasilla, as our lovely hero winks her way into the White House.

See, even the Chinese/Taiwanese/Japanese can't help but mock her long time!

Guess we're not so different after all!

Except of course when it comes to making hilarious (and spot on!) computer generated Sarah Palin videos for YouTube. Then, they pretty much kick our hefty Big Mac padded behinds. In other words, go positively Palin on us!

Hooray! Right Wing Succeeds In Getting Innocent USDA Lady Fired, Degrading The Race Debate, & Making Everyone Involved Look Terrible, Except Photoshop!

Word of advice to the Obama administration. Next time some rightwing media blight like Andrew Breitbart releases some highly misleading, clearly tampered with video showing (former?) USDA’s Georgia Director Of Rural Development Shirley Sherrod--whose job is was to basically help poor people (of all colors!) not get screwed out of their farms--as a terrible racist like the rest of the NAACP, perhaps a wise idea would be to maybe use your brains and at least look into the facts of the situation before having an administration-wide panic attack and immediately firing that person like some idiot coward.

Just a suggestion. Ya know, one of those "lessons learned" moments. So maybe the next time you get handed a bogus wingnut video proving, without a doubt, that Shirley Sherrod is totally 100% an out-of-context, edited racist, you'll know better than to let freakin' ANDREW BREITBART become THE authority on who's racist and who's spent the last, oh, I don't know, 20 years fighting the very racism that caused all this trouble in the first place?

Just in case you don't feel the need to have another humiliating scandal that makes you look really scared and really stupid, courtesy of fat white slobs who aren't even in the Republicans in Congress! Unless, of course you want the current political discourse to be hijacked by slovenly hate mongers who insist it's the NAACP who are racist hypocrites (and probably slave owners too!), not scumbag journalists whose job is to make as many baseless, incendiary attacks as possible, with the end result being more embarrassing firings of perfectly innocent, slandered staffers.

Oh, and while we're at it, perhaps the NAACP could also try to remember for a second that they are called the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and not the National Association for Throwing Random Black People Under The Bus Because Andrew Bretibart Tells You To.

Jesus Christ! I mean seriously people. Then maybe we can actually avoid embarrassing White House shake-ups, awkward retractions and apologies, presidential phone calls, and your basic all-around shitshow, distracting from what is really important:

Getting as much, or as little, accomplished as the Grand Obstructionist Party and Fox News will let them.

If they get on their knees and beg for their forgiveness. Oh, and promise to take back all the terrible things they've already done like help poor people and/or children not die from lack of health care, and make sure Wall Street doesn't get filthy rich doing filthy things to the nation's economy, and of course, its easily preyed upon citizenry.

Haha, who those dumb old things?  Don't worry about them. The GOP certainly won't after they bamboozle you out of power, take back both congressional chambers, and control of this country from the racists and bigots at the NAACP and in the White House.

That way, Obama and all the others can go hang with the rest of the unemployed Americans fired for absolutely no reason whatsoever, because America functions so much better when it's governed by Apex predators, who are never racist and have a knack for avoiding unasked-for-media circuses by terrible, discredited human beings (and we use the term "human beings" lightly), who vomit on their keyboard and get decent, hard-working women like Shirley Sherrod the ol' heave ho for having a brain and character, being honest, and caring deeply about her fellow human beings.

In other words, the complete opposite of Andrew Breitbart.

So, congratulations America on achieving another made-up media spectacle based on absolutely nothing and propelling the race debate in America further into the gutter!

Just watch out for Andrew Breitbart, he's known to lurk in dirty, unsuitable for most oxygen-breathing organisms who don't scavenge off the miseries of others.

But on the bright side, isn't it simply wonderful living in a beautiful, color-free world where a black man can be president and racism no longer exists except of course when said black president is forced to run scared and fire innocent, decades-long proponents of civil rights all because the White Man told him to?

Which makes perfect sense, considering everything Whites have had to endure, what with first losing their slaves, and then having to share bathrooms, buses, restaurants, water fountains, and even public schools (gasp!) with them.

Haven't the poor, long-suffering Whites been through enough?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Democrats Violate Obama's Personal Space As He Signs Away Wall Street's Ability To Dupe The Dumb Public Whenever They Want...For Freedom!

Democratic congressional leaders happily hover around President Barack Obama as he signs the Dodd-Frank financial regulatory reform bill, giving the big, bad government sweeping oversight powers to regulate just how much Big Business/Wall Street is allowed to screw over dumb, everyday schmucks like you and me. Which, as it turns out, is not so much anymore! Hooray!

The bill, a hard-earned culmination of two years of fierce lobbying and intense debate over how to deal (or if you're a Republican, how NOT to deal) with the financial excesses and terrible hands-off policies that thrust the nation into the worst recession since the Great Depression, is another huge legislative victory for Barry the Terrible, and another devastating loss for the Grand Obstructionist Patriots who would love nothing more than to watch the dumb, suffering public stay poor, unemployed, and homeless for another four years, at least!

During the exciting White House signing ceremony, President Obama hailed the new legislation as a enormous victory for consumer protections and Wall Street accountability, and major step towards a sensible financial system that doesn't prey on the least fortunate, while rewarding those who urinate in diamond-encrusted gold toilets by spearheading one of the worst financial collapses in recent memory (except for maybe, John McCain of course!).
“These reforms represent the strongest consumer financial protections in history. Because of this law, the American people will never again be asked to foot the bill for Wall Street’s mistakes," President Obama said. "There will be no more taxpayer-funded bailouts. Period.”

“If you’ve ever applied for a credit card, a student loan, or a mortgage, you know the feeling of signing your name to pages of barely understandable fine print. But what often happens as a result, is that many Americans are caught by hidden fees and penalties, or saddled with loans they can’t afford.”

He said the law would crack down on abusive practices in the mortgage industry, simplifying contracts and ending hidden fees and penalties, “so folks know what they’re signing.”
Ugh, then how will Morgan Stanley and Bear Stearns be able to hand out billion dollar bonuses courtesy of the dumb (now homeless) taxpayers, as a well-earned reward for all their hard work concocting various get-rich-quick-by-destroying-an-entire-economy-schemes??

Minds so white hot with scintillating brilliance, they even managed to melt an entire housing market. Wizards, I tell ya!

Let's just hope Cosmo model Scott Brown gets his usual cold feet and starts prattling on about hostile business climates, not spooking investors, and not $crewing over the nice men and women responsible for his wild oil-guzzling ride to Washington, and decides to rip that pen out of NObama's Socialist hands mid-stroke.

Oh no-zees! Guess that's not going to happen! NObama even gave those three traitors a collective shout-out—including Bangor Sisters Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe of Maine, and Scott Brown of nudie centerfolds—for breaking with their party to approve the bill, saying that they “put partisanship aside, judged the bill on the merits, and voted for reform.”

God damn those selfish bastards! Now, who's gonna get rich off the misfortunes of others? Who, I ask you, who?

No one!?!?!

Ugh, America is as good as dead.

Just like your portfolio.

Friday, July 23, 2010

OMG! Lindsey Graham's Vote For Elena Kagan Ensures He'll Lose His Next Election To Some White Hood 'N Robe Wearin' Patriot Who Thinks Less But Hates More

 Dick Durbin Whispers Sweet Nothings To Lindsey Graham As John Cornyn Jealously Fumes...

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted to advance questionably lesbian, definitely Socialist softball player Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination to the full Senate by a vote of 13 to 6, split almost entirely along party lines (OMG, that's craziness!) except for that one terrible South Carolina traitor Lindsey Graham, who voted "You go girl, woo-woo!" the only Republican to break rank and vote in favor of one of Comrade Barry's arugula eating, elitist, Ivy educated liberal activist judges who will destroy America.

His reason for such Grand Old treachery?

Although Graham said Kagan was “not someone he would have chosen,” and there were “100 reasons” he could vote against her if he based his vote on her philosophy, he gayly decided to vote on her being qualified to hold the position, not based on the party of the evil man who nominated her.

Said Graham: "I'm going to vote for her because I believe this last election has consequences."

He said she met a time-honored standard for judicial nominees: that they be qualified and of good character, and even though she was not the nominee he would have chosen (she's not his type apparently), “the person who did choose — President Obama — I think chose wisely.”

"Senators shouldn't replace the president's judgment with their own, but merely ask, is the nominee qualified, of good character, and a judge, not a politician? To that, Graham answered yes."

OMG, hahahaha, he is soooooo going to lose his next primary now! They don't take too kindly to reason down in South Carolina!

But, on the bright side, if they ever do allow dem gays to gay marry, Dick Durbin has dibs on Lindsey poo who he'd just loooooove to make his bride-groom.

Senator Richard J. Durbin of Illinois, the second-ranking Democrat in the Senate, said that Mr. Graham’s remarks had made him rethink his own approach to judicial nominations — including the decision by Democrats several years ago to prevent Miguel Estrada, a prominent conservative lawyer, from getting a hearing before the committee when President George W. Bush nominated Mr. Estrada to a federal appeals court.
Ooooooooh, how adorable!
Of Mr. Graham, Mr. Durbin said: “I reflected on some of the things that I have said and how I have voted in the past, and thought that perhaps his statement suggested a better course.”
Aww, you kids sure are cute! Never mind what those sore-loser Republican naysayers try and tell you, you two belong together, because like Bristol & Levi showed us all, true love cannot be denied! (Even if it can be boycotted by the bride's dreadful, icy-cold hearted Mother!) But just be sure to keep your Senate job, Dick, (or at least don't let Blago sell it just yet) because Lindsey is so getting fired.
Richard Quinn, a Graham consultant, defended his client — noting that the Senator is “not a demagogue”. Added Quinn: “He’s a thinking person’s conservative. I expect him to do well among voters with IQ’s in triple digits.”
Umm, yeah except those two things don't exist anymore. If you said he's a comatose person's conservative who you expect to do well among voters with IQ's somewhere between Forrest Gump and Joey Tribbiani, then absolutely! But hey, good luck with that, Linds! We're totally rooting for you!
Quinn also noted that it's more than four years before Graham faces voters again; "There will be many battles fought, lost and won between now and then."
Which leaves plenty of time for the Republicans to find a suitable KKK grand wizard, Jesus freak creationist, mentally ill born again anything, homophobic closet case, family values Appalachian trail-blazing adulterer, or plain ol' ignorant pillar of Jim Crow-lovin' racist white trash to take on (and keep your fingers crossed!) unseat a bleeding heart liberal like Lindsey Benedict Arnold Graham, and have the distinct privilege of serving alongside the inimitable Alvin Greene.

This being South Carolina and all, surely the appeal of serving your state with a young, black, inexplicably unemployed, possibly perverted shut-in of mysterious origins with no political experience or actual knowledge to discern, who might also be mentally retarded, is reason enough.

Not that another reason is needed when the chance to give the ol' heave-ho to Lindsey Graham is involved!

South Carolina has had quite enough sensible senators with brains not grits between their ears, who think for themselves, and vote based on what's best for their country, not what's best for the handful of crazed rightwing kooks who've hijacked their Party ever since blacky NObama hijacked their White House.

C'mon, South Carolina, have you no pride (not the gay kind, obvs!)? Return to your non-existent Southern senses! Oh, what, you're gonna sit back and let Kentucky or Texas show you up, and claim your rightful place as the undisputed King of the Crazies. For shame, South Carolina, for shame!

We always thought you were better than that! Everyone expected so much more from the redheaded stepchild of North Carolina. Guess we should've known better when you elected that thinking man with a girl's name who not only sort of looks like an old lesbo but votes for 'em too! And doesn't even hate gross poor people or charming black Democratic presidents just for trying to help save the country from reckless Republican-led ruin.

Ugh! Now Elena Kagan will be confirmed and South Carolina can stop thinking it's Commie California or whatever, and go back to being the backwards cesspool of illiteracy, obesity and adulterous sex.

The way God intended.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

"I See (Gold!)," Said The Blind Man!

Living legend and divine messenger Glenn Lee Beck is under investigation for his Goldline International scam, and also could go blind within a year, though, apparently it is not related to scamming people into buying worthless faux gold coins.

Talk about a rough week!
California authorities have launched an investigation into claims that Goldline International — the favorite investment arm of Fox News Hounds Glenn Beck and Mike Huckabee — is scamming people into buying coins and is sending them "something different from what they had ordered."
Every year, savory, not-at-all-sketchy Goldline International manages to sell hundreds of millions of dollars worth of gold, thanks to sales pitches from conservative Godsends like Beck, Huckabee, and the Law & Order guy who wanted to be president, until realizing that venture was as worthwhile as his pitchman gig pushing worthless shiny gold-plated objects upon unsuspecting viewers. 
"There are two main types of complaints we're seeing: "One is that customers say that they were lied to and misled in entering into their purchases of gold coins. And the other group is saying that they received something different from what they had ordered."
New York Representative Anthony Weiner told ABC News that America's favoritest Fox News, its patriotic weeping talk show hosts, and Goldline have formed an "unholy alliance" to rip people off:
Once they get people on the phone, they basically steer them into these so-called collectible coins and that's where the rip off becomes really profound," Weiner said.

"There's no doubt about it, that there's a whole universe of rare collectible coins and I know nothing about that field," Weiner explained. "Except to say this: Goldline doesn't sell those coins."
Hmmm, but they do sell well-packaged crap wrapped in beautiful bows & ribbons and served with a 100% guarantee of freedom or your money back. Errr, never mind that last part. How 'bout something even better, like say, the undying gratitude of Fox freedom fighters instead?

Or you could always just go get a cup, stand under Glenny, and collect his sacred tears streaming fresh down his plentiful cheeks. They're just as authentic as the coins, except they might actually be worth something more than the price of the eye drops he uses to produce them, on eBay.

Speaking of artificially produced tear drops, blue eyed angel of truth and renowned Nazi scholar Glenn Beck told 6,000 of his most devoted fans, who descended on the EnergySolutions Arena in Salt Lake City to hear El Weeping Savior speak at his "American Revival" event that he's been diagnosed with macular dystrophy, and could go blind within a year.

What, what, what!?!? Like so Jesus can miraculously cure you, and prove his divine powers to all the non-believers, heathens, and Christ-killing Jews out there??

Using his unique brand of "humor," Beck humbly explained his recent eye trouble, like difficulty focusing his eyes (and not just like the usual voices-in-his-head difficulties), and reading words more than two syllables long.

"So, I went to the best doctor I could find — while I could still go to the best doctor I could find."
Awww, snap! That is, at least until Barry ships every last doctor to the secret lair he has ready and waiting in Kenya, probably with the help of Al Qaeda!

The doctor told Beck he had "macular dystrophy," to which Beck HILARIOUSLY replied, "Is that that Jerry Lewis thing?"  "I should have given more."

OH, HAHAHAHAHAHA. Get it? Jokes about children with Muscular Dystrophy, which is almost the same thing (except not at all) are always hilarious, a regular laugh riot!

Beck then explained how the doctor told him he might be blind in a year or he might not.

"I said, 'Did you just charge me a thousand dollars for knowing what I already knew my whole life?' I knew that at 3! 'You might go blind someday. You might not,' " Beck said.

Duh! I mean, any fool with a mouth knows that! You might go blind, you might not. You might lose both arms in a terrible meat grinder accident, you might not. You might get filthy rich selling worthless junk to dumb, hapless Glenn Beck fans, you go to jail. You might also binge on drugs and alcohol, lose your mind, and get born again as a fat, white rich Mormon who weeps about freedom on the teevee every night. The possibilities are endless, really.

But then, the humor stopped, and the melancholy began. "I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing," Beck said through tears. "Lord, if you need my eyes, they're yours. They've been yours the whole time, anyway. Thank you for letting me see as far as I have."

On the bright side, at least, he won't have any trouble looking at himself in the mirror anymore.

"If you have really, truly accepted Jesus, if you have really accepted the Atonement ... you can never, ever repay it. Ever. If he asks for your eyes. ... What? Are you kidding me? That's the smallest..."

Beck didn't finish his sentence as tears ran down his face.

That Vick's VapoRub stings like a motherf**ker!

The price of insanity divinity is steep my friends!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Dick Cheney Doesn't Need Some Stupid Pulse To Continue Living, You Mortal Fools!

Two-time vice-presidential dark lord of the underworld Dick Cheney may have finally used up his five death deferments. Tragic, but true!

Sadly, the beloved 69-year-old white-haired hero of Iraq/Waterboarding/Enron/Katrina, five-time heart attack survivor, and grandfather to all, Dick Cheney now has a "ventricular assist device" — or a dual-battery heart pump —implanted in his chest with motors and assorted parts churning the blood through his otherwise cold dead heart.

So now instead of just riding around on one, Dick's got a freakin' robot where an actual flesh & blood, pumping, bivalve chamber known as a heart is supposed to be.

Thing is, this one comes without a pulse. That's right, you're not hearing things. I said, Dick Cheney's heart DOES NOT HAVE A PULSE, and yet the man(?) is stubbornly still alive.

It just doesn't seem fair! Steve Irwin gets one stingray to the heart and instantaneously dies, while Cheney is on his fifth complete HEART FAILURE, gets some size D Energizers and a pump, and is on his merry way. Eh, sort of.

According to the New York Times
Former Vice President Dick Cheney is recuperating from surgery to implant the kind of mechanical pump now being given to a small but growing number of people with heart failure so severe that they would most likely die within a few months without it.
The pumps are partial artificial hearts known as ventricular assist devices, and they come in various models. Mr. Cheney’s kind is about the size of a D battery and leaves most recipients without a pulse because it pushes blood continuously instead of mimicking the heart’s own pulsatile beat. Most such pulse-less patients feel nothing unusual. But they are urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors as to why they have no pulse.
Since in Dick's case, that probably wouldn't be the first reason that comes to mind.
The limited success has proved wrong the many experts who said people could not live without a pulse. The thought was that since the heart had a beat, that beat was needed for blood pressure and circulation. But now doctors believe that continuous-flow devices, which can be smaller and last longer, may function well.
Oh, hahahahaha! Puhleeease! As if Dick Cheney needs silly "human" things like a pulse to continue "living."

No, no, Dick Cheney's blood just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn't need your lowly "pumping" like some pathetic carbon-based pussy.
By supplementing the amount of blood pumped through the body, the devices allow many recipients to lead active lives from home. They can bicycle, golf, play tennis, drive cars, shop and generally do what they could before they developed severe heart failure.
Oh, goody! That means, (heart or no heart) Dick will still be able to do all his favoritest activities like torture Muslims (and small animals?), shoot his best friends in the face, and pretty much leave a trail of death of destruction wherever he and his non-beating heart venture.
The latest model devices, “though imperfect, are a stupendous advance compared to 36 years ago,” said Dr. O.H. Frazier of the Texas Heart Institute in Houston. “Still, it is a big operation with risks because we are operating on mortally ill patients.”
But then again, as Dick is not your typical mortal, this should not be the slightest bit problematic. Thank heavens, right?
The implants could be as arduous for a surgeon as risky for a patient, particularly one like Mr. Cheney, 69, who has suffered five heart attacks since the age of 37, has had angioplasty to unblock coronary arteries and stents to keep them open; an implanted pacemaker and defibrillator; surgery to repair aneurysms, or ballooning of arteries, behind both knees; and a number of visits to George Washington University Hospital for monitoring and observation, the last in June.
Who? This picture of health?? Don't you worry about him! I think we all know by now congestive heart failure ain't got nothin' on Dick!

But here is the really good news:
Dr. Frazier said he had implanted a total of 170 such pumps as of June 1, more than any other surgeon. Of those, 24 were in patients 65 and older and 11 of the 24 were in patients older than 70. The oldest was 76. Nine of the 24 have died, and seven of the nine did not leave the hospital. Six of the 15 survivors received heart transplants. The remaining nine are living with the pump. The longest survivor at his hospital had an implant in his 30s and has lived five and a half years.
Looks like the odds are still in our favor.

I mean how long could it really take for a heartless Dick with no pulse to possibly die? Unless, of course, in addition to functioning human organs, mere mortal concepts of time do not apply to his "kind" either.

Mr. Roboto's evil hell twin, that is.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Teabaggers Prove They're Not Racist (& Love Coloreds!) By Firing One Totally Racist Guy Who Used To Be Their Spokesman

When you're a Teabagger, that is, a member of the elite group that shares its moniker with the incredibly sexy act of dipping testicles into open, gaping mouths or slapping them atop the head, cheek or anywhere else balls can be swung, who thinks dressing up like Benjamin Franklin and hollerin' 'bout black Socialist prezinents stealing all their hard-earned money proves they love America the most, the universe fits perfectly into tidy compartments, and everything in life is pretty much black and white.

Things are sooooooo much easier that way! 'Cause then you can like tweak everything to make anything look better or worse depending on the situation, or whatever version of history feels "right" at that moment. Seriously, you should try it sometime, works wonders!

Like when you, Mark Williams, the official spokesman for the Tea Party Express explain how not racist your organization is, after the NAACP calls some (or all) in your group racist, by writing a fictional letter to Abraham Lincoln pretending, just for good cheer, to be one of those dumb, recently freed coloreds, thanking Abe for freedom 'n shit.
Dear Mr. Lincoln,

We Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don't cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

The tea party position to "end the bailouts" for example is just silly. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn't that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds!

And the ridiculous idea of "reduce[ing] the size and intrusiveness of government." What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The racist tea parties also demand that the government "stop the out of control spending." Again, they directly target Colored People. That means we Colored People would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.

Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government "stop raising our taxes." That is outrageous! How will we Colored People ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.


Precious Ben Jealous, Tom's Nephew National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Head Colored Person
OMG, HILARIOUS!! And that ending, with the whole NAACP President Ben Jealous "Tom's Nephew" thing? Ummm, naaaaailed it! 

I mean can you believe the NAACP, the very organization that makes "more money off of race than any slave trader, ever" and has the (black) balls big enough to use the words "Colored People" to describe blacks is actually calling white Tea Party Express superstar Mark Williams racist?

Absurd, I tell ya!

Everyone knows only racists say colored. But call 'em blacks or African Americans or Afros, make some watermelon or fried chicken joke, do everything in your power to subjugate their power and trivialize their tribulations, and you, my friend, are as down with the darkies as Mark Williams, Jim Crow, the current KKK Grand Wizard, Michael Steele, or any other one of the other famous civil rights leaders now carrying the mantle in the Grand Old Party of Old White Men.

Since when is America's newest political party, which is really just a mob of freaked-out old white Republicans running around shriekin' "WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK" ever since some dude of dubious race (Hawaiian?) won the presidential elections that fateful day 21 months ago, a bunch of terrible racists?

Sorry if some people still care about the whole real birth certificate thing! Sorry if some people don't think a certificate of Live Birth, what Hawaii officially calls such things, cuts it in this scary day and age when anyone can go waltzing into the presidency, even mysterious brown-skinned folks with funny names that include the dreaded Hussein somewhere in there.

Sorry if suddenly a humorous letter written to show how not racist the 'Baggers are is now cause for expulsion. Talk about oppression!

"We, in the last 24 hours, have expelled Tea Party Express and Mark Williams from the National Tea Party Federation because of the letter that he wrote," federation spokesman David Webb said of Williams' blog post that satirized a fictional letter from what he called "Colored People" to President Abraham Lincoln.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Isn't there anyone out there who understands the Lipton wearing patriots do not have a single racist bone in their collective White Body? Someone who can set those dumb monkeys at the NAACP straight about what is racist and what is simply patriotic white pride?

Like say, Republican hero of radio waves and clogged arteries, Rush Limbaugh, who courageously called the resolution “not true," or living legend Sarah Palin blasting the NAACP's claim as “false” and “appalling” or even Fox's box with a head, Sean Hannity, whose thorough search for racist tea party signs still came up empty. "I can't find any racist Tea Party signs!" Hannity giggled to whichever dumb blond was co-hosting today. Guess it must've been made up by the Jew-run media or something. They're always colluding with the blacks to keep the white man down!

Take Jewy-sounding Leonard Zeskind, who has written a history of the white nationalist movement, for instance.

“There are hard-core racists brewing inside the tea party movement,” said the Kansas City resident, white nationalist movement scholar, author of “Blood and Politics” and likely one of those Zionist-Socialist freaks.

“They see tea parties not only as recruitment opportunities, but as vehicles to cross over into mainstream American politics.”

“Liberals think these are all poor, angry, working-class whites, but that’s not true,” Leonard Zeskind explained. “It’s a solid middle class. The belief that these are people hit by the economic downturn is a myth. It’s people who have what they want and don’t want it taken away. They’re defending white privilege. Their slogan is ‘We want our country back.’”

In fact, a New York Times/CBS poll found that 52 percent of Tea Party supporters said “too much has been made of the problems facing African-Americans” while 28 percent of Americans overall said the same.

And?? Like get over a couple hundred years of slavery, a few more generations getting lynched and/or whipped for so much as glancing at the white missus, and get on with your life already! Seriously, it's getting pathetic people!

But what ever will the Tea Party do without Hero Mark Williams' Leadership? How will they cope now that he's been booted just for goin' rogue writing offensive, racist, grossly unfunny letters joking about the plight of blacks in this country. Hopefully, he'll continue his hard work freedom fighting the construction of an Islamic center in Lower Manhattan near Ground Zero, because everyone knows the only time Muslims ever visit New York is when flying hijacked jetliners into prominent NYC skyscrapers, not to mention Ground Zero is no place for the worship of  "the terrorists’ monkey-god." Sick!

Not surprisingly, some cowardly political leaders (Democrats, no doubt!) said the Tea Party movement itself wasn't racist, but needed to distance itself from any elements that bring prejudice and bigotry to its events.

"There are some members who have used the Tea Party -- whether it's the Tea Party itself, there are some individuals who have tried to exacerbate racial tensions in this country," House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD) told CNN. "I have seen some virulent fliers that have been directed at our members, clearly referencing race, the president's race and race generally."


Good thing Republicans know better. When also asked about racism among Teabaggers, on the same show, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY), steered clear of the issue, saying: "I am not interested in getting into that debate."

And with that, he snorted, rolled his eyes and retreated back into his protective shell, bless the thing!

Keeps spineless Kentucky fried swamp turtles all nice 'n warm and safe from scary things like reality, black men in the White House, and the ever-terrifying P-word (other than progress!).

No, not predators silly, even worse: principles!

Because why actually stand for something when you can just do nothing, sit back, close your eyes, retreat into your shell, and poke your head out once the dark, menacing storms have passed and the horizon is once again light & bright & beautiful, and safe for shelled reptiles to travel freely without fear of being turned into delicious Turtle soup (or Tea!) by some crazed poacher or Terrapin-hating white power patriot of spice 'n herbs, or whatever the case may be.

Monday, July 19, 2010

When Hate & Hombres Collide: J.T. Ready (Aim, Fire!) & His Posse Of Armed White Supremacists Head South To The Border!

To most average Americans, or at least those of us still blessed with a full set of teeth and the ability to formulate a single coherent English sentence without the words "sp*cs" or "n*ggers," Arizona's awesome, new ¡Adiós Amigos! law stemming the tide of gross border jumping beans streaming into the good ol' US of A from Mexicanland or Mexicoville or wherever it is dirty brown people come from, is the unconstitutional result of ugly, racist, Teabagger-fueled White Power hysteria.

But to some, like neo-Nazi J.T. Ready, Aryanzona's Nazi immigration law simply doesn't go far enough. Which is why he and some fascist buddies have decided to gear up, head South, and roam the desert lookin' for some good, old fashioned Mexicans to hunt! His #1 favoritest past-time!

Because proud Caucasians like J.T. Ready rely on more than just dumb, two initialed names and even dumber ideas to prove their white trash worthiness. They earn their swastika stripes by bein' the best damn roving gang of armed skinheads ever to go snipin' for smelly Mexicans before they're able to sneak across the border, steal all their jobs, and have their way with their women and children.

If the God damn gubmint is going to sit back and let America be destroyed by hardworking, industrious "narco terrorists" streaming like roaches over the border to provide a better life for their families, then J.T. Ready and his posse of Klansman and White Supremacists are left no choice but to take matters into their own two trigger-happy hands. For liberty!

A freedom he's been protectin' since like all the way back in 2007, when Ready posted on the New Saxon website, a forum that serves as "An Online Community for Whites, by Whites:" Hooray!!
The truth is that negroids screw monkeys and rape babies in afreaka [sic]. Then stupid white man who licks kosher jew rear lets negroids in...Stop Negroid immigration and integration now!!! Nature will take care of the rest."
Ummm, okay?? But that was like soooooooo three years ago! Surely, a man of J.T.'s Ready's girth and caliber has matured beyond "Negroid screw monkeys" and "kosher Jew rear" and graduated to more pressing matters like evil, sombrero wearing, La Bamba singing, women-sexin' menaces to a pure, white Christian America, like God and Jesus intended when they first arrived as immigrants on the shores of Ellis Island to purify the new land of any terrible coloreds and other non-white undesirables.
If they don't want my people out there, then there's an easy way to send us home: Secure the border," he said. "We'll put our guns back on the shelf, and that'll be the end of that."
The end, finale, finito! See, it's as easy as uno, dos, tres! All they need to do is secure our borders with electrically-charged barbed wire fences, landmines, armed guards (preferably with neo-nazi tendencies) with M-16s scouring the horizon from towers, lay a trail of tacos and/or pesos, and viola! Sit back and enjoy the fiesta!

And if the big, bad government refuses to declare awesome war on our neighbors to the South? Then what will Ready and his armed militia of Southern fried freakshows do if they see Mexicans trying to cross illegally into Arizona?

"We'll Kill Them."

Of course! He's been Ready his whole life...the go-getter!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

John Boehner's Brain's Been So Fried From Barry's Star Power, He Doesn't Even Feel The Need To Try Anymore!

Oh look, 24 hours have passed since terrible Democrats voted in favor of financial reform, which means glowing orange House Minority Leader John Boehner should have endorsed some new, untenable policy in bad faith, umm, about twenty minutes ago at least!

And like the total boner he is, he did not disappoint. His brilliant idea, this time coming in the form of a moratorium on all new federal regulations for an entire year, for reals.

Here's how it all went down:

Earlier this week, the Senate voted 60-39 to pass Congress’s financial regulatory reform bill, which Obama will likely sign into law next week. The bill, which is a response to the economic crisis started in 2008, largely thanks to the bad behavior by the world's most powerful financial institutions, provides new safeguards and consumer protections so as to help the American public avoid once again being screwed over and thrust into destitution by said financial institutions.

So John Boehner did what any desperate Grand Old Puppet of Big Business/Wall Street would do and held an emergency meeting with business and trade lobbyists asking them what they would like him, their humble House minority servant, to do.

After emerging from this fab little session with fellow fab fashionista, fuchsia wearing Illinois Republican Aaron Schock and his homely, heterosexual, less fashionable compatriot Peter Roksam, John Boehner could hardly wait to tell the whole world "his" great idea to enact a moratorium on new federal regulations for a year, just like the lobbyists told him to do for like freedom 'n stuff. Apparently, they don't much care for NObama's terrible Socialist policies preventing them from continuing their thriving business of finding new and creative ways to screw the American people out of their hard-earned money, and if all goes well, their foreclosed homes, too. Yay!
House Minority Leader John A. Boehner on Friday endorsed a one-year moratorium on almost all new federal regulations, an idea he said would create jobs by ending uncertainty among businesses fearful of new federal mandates.

Boehner made the suggestion in the Capitol after a 90-minute session with a group of business leaders gathered as part of America Speaking Out, the House Republicans' effort to solicit ideas across the country for a fall campaign platform.

One of the participants at the roundtable raised the idea and Boehner said afterward, "Having a moratorium on new federal regulations is a great idea. It sends a wonderful signal to the private sector that they'll have some breathing room."
Phew! Because all these rules and regulations by lame-o NObama, protecting dumb schmucks like me and you, were really starting to make them feel all claustrophobic, almost as if they were no longer allowed to cause housing meltdowns, stock market collapses, or anything fun and reckless anymore. Nada!

Ugh, when will Barry the Terrible end his all-out war on all businesses everywhere, until our once-shining pillar of unbridled Capitalism has been completely pulverized, and is nothing but a skyscraper-less, sustenance based shadow of its former self?

Why can't we have more fearless, UV fried frauds of freedom like Major Boner to come up with awesome ant metaphors and hold secret lobbyist meetings to help protect the poor, poor investment bankers and oil conglomerates from having to pay so much as one measly penny for callously destroying an entire economy and ecosystem, respectively?

Thanks goodness, at least someone has the tangelos big enough to stand up and demand this terrible, consumer protecting legislation be repealed, this time even before it has actually been signed into law, which is like even better!

Ladies and gents, I give you House Minority Tanning Bed Salesman, John Boehner:
"I think it ought to be repealed. There are common sense things that you should do to plug the holes in the regulatory system that were there, and to bring more transparency to financial transactions, because transparency is like sunlight. Sunlight is the best disinfectant."
Oh warm, delicious, radiant sunlight! It is also like beautiful oxygen, and the ultimate panacea for all the world's ills including pasty white politicians with no spine and no principles, whose passion for delicious artificial, electrically-generated pigment darkening, cancer causing ultraviolet rays is matched only by his zealous commitment to showering even more toxic, cancerous policies all over the American people.

Because the only thing worse than getting burned by the Sun is getting burned by a sun-scorched Boner that's been cooked so many times, it's one Solar 3000 session from being sliced up, seasoned, and served with a side of dipping sauce, at the congressional cafeteria.

Mmmmm, a much tastier and more sensible use of the over-cooked, bone dry, orange-tinged, special slab of Grade-A meat.

The House's choicest cut!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

True Love Never Dies, It Dresses Like Jehovah's Witnesses & Graces Gossip Magazine Covers

L is for Levi? Love? Lies?

Legend of the Snowy North and fearless leader of mama Grizzlies the world over, Sarah Palin awoke one Alaskan morning to quite a surprise from one of her own precious little cubs, whose lovable mug was splashed all over the lamestream tabloid Us Weekly announcing the wonderful, earth shattering news that Alaska’s favoritest star-crossed lovers Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston will, at long last, be making their deep bond official in the eyes of the Lord and legal system.

This is wonderful news, America! And everyone is very excited for these two bright eyed young patriots trying so hard to navigate through the murky waters of teenage parenthood and true love, all under the blinding glare of the media they solicited when exclusively announcing their secret wedding plans to the world!

But what does Mama Bear, the only reason this charming couple is seemingly of any interest to anyone anywhere, think about all this gossip fodder about her little grizzly cub and new, life-altering choice to follow in her footsteps? Perhaps she offered her daughter some sage wisdom and heartfelt advice about these difficult decisions like whether to run away and elope, or come out as a couple on the cover of America's fave teen gloss, Us, to which Mother has a subscription gracing the coffee table back home in Wasilla, and is likely how she found out about her eldest daughter's upcoming plans to tie the noose knot with high school hottie Levi.
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston say that Sarah Palin has been kept in the dark about their plans...until now.

"We got engaged two weeks ago," 19-year-old Bristol Palin told Us Weekly. "It felt right, even though we don't have the approval of our parents."

Says Bristol, “It is intimidating and scary just to think about what her reaction is going to be. Hopefully she will jump on board.”
But she'll probably just pump us full of lead and toss us overboard instead. Because Sarah Palin does not forgive nor does she forget. Christian virtue or not, forgiveness is simply not in her! But what is in her, is issuing underhanded, passive-aggressive statements to Good Morning America, swiping at ex-baby daddy's turned soon-to-be baby daddy hubbies by "praying" for them, and alluding to "struggling" with things like compassion and forgiveness.
"As parents, we obviously want what is best for our children, but Bristol is ultimately in charge of determining what is best for her and her beautiful son.
Like choosing to consecrate their deep, star-crossed Arctic love by dressing like Jehovah Witness proselytizers and appearing on the cover of popular tween tabloids for all the world to see.
"Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives. We pray that, as a couple, Bristol and Levi's relationship matures into one that will allow Tripp to grow up graced with two loving parents in his life."
Or at least until they both get filthy rich (just like mama!) making moose piles of money off their reality show and one of them tragically falls off the Bridge To Nowhere and Tripp is once again reduced to boring, untelevised existence with a single, abstinence-crusading mom and loving Grandmama, whose apocalyptic nightmare of her own flesh and blood marrying into a liberal-media-sympathizing, truth telling, blog writing, criminally troubled fellow Arctic family, is fortunately now floating face down in the frozen Arctic waters off Prince William Sound.

Because you don't need to be a brilliant, former half-term governor like Sarah to know that only dead fiances fish go with the flow.

"He's a kid. He's misguided," Sarah Palin said of Johnston in November. "I can't wait until he comes back on that right road of wanting to be part of the family and Tripp's life. It's going to be good."

Good as dead. Mwhahahahahahaha!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Fearful Iowa Teabaggers Fail To Heed Their Own Warning; Naively Forced To Remove Lovely Obama As Hitler Billboard

The lovely herb 'n spice patriots of the North Iowa Tea Party scoured pants pockets and couch cushions pooling their loose change together to let all of Mason City (and the world!) know that President Barack Obama is a terrible SOCIALIST just like his two BFF's Adolf Hitler and Vladimir Lenin.

But sure enough, as soon as pictures of this irrelevant eyesore in the middle of nowhere warning motorists that "Radical Leaders Prey on the Fearful & Naive" began circulating around the Internets, thanks to pesky liberal bloggers and other lamestream media types, the Teabaggers were tyrannically forced to take down their beautiful public service announcement.

Which is TERRIBLE! Because it seems the North Iowa Tea Party has forgotten its own billboards' motto and succumbed to the very two Socialist threats it was warning against: fear and naiveté!

They were naive and fearful (this is what socialists prey on!) and now they have been transformed into miserable comrades blindly following Führer NObama to certain doom, just like the rest of the Barrywashed American public. With nary a wingnut billboard to call their own!

Even the man behind this masterpiece North Iowa Tea Party co-founder Bob Johnson concedes the sign's crazy pictures and inflammatory rhetoric may be getting in the way of its intended message — presumably a very sophisticated and level-headed comparison of Obama to a Nazi mass murderer and Marxist Revolutionary.

“It is not disrespectful to Mr. Obama.  It’s a statement on his policy,” said Bob. “It’s a statement on his policies.”

Because Bob will not, no make that cannot, stand by and watch as Obama murders Jews or Grandmas or special needs babies with check-ups and affordable prescriptions! Hell no! NEVER AGAIN!

So let's all take a moment to reflect on this this terrible turn of events and remember what happens when we let our gubmint adjust its public policy based on the discretion of the administration elected by the people to do just this: the death of Democracy, rise of an evil, tyrannical system of government, and oodles of bloody genocide.

Let's get on our knees and pray that Failure-in-Chief NObama continues to face Grand Old Obstruction from the Grand Old Patriots trying to get all his terrible Socialist things, like helping the poors not die or go bankrupt from predatory loans, passed in Congress before he is rightfully tossed out of office in humiliating defeat come 2012.

Then American can (finally!) breathe a collective sigh of relief knowing that we are once again safe from these two guys who died over half a century ago, yet continue to live on in our nation's first illegal Kenyan Muslim Terrorist Black Socialist President.

In other words, Hitler with a jump shot and maniacal desire not to exterminate world Jewry but flagrant corporate abuses, as part of his deviant plot to take over the world one affordable doctor's visit and honest business practice at a time.

The maniac!