Sunday, February 28, 2010

Sarah Palin's Asinine Mouthpiece Meg Stapleton Shows She Can Quit Like A Maverick, Too!

NOOOOOOO!!!! Say it ain't so, please, say it ain't so! Not Meg Stapleton, THE MEG STAPLETON, of Sarah Palin superloyal spokeswoman fame.

Of all the brilliant aides who could have quit the PR disaster known as the great Sarah Palin experiment, it had to be world-famous bearer of bad news and trusted Palin confidante, Meg Stapleton, loyally concocting terrible excuses since December 2006!

Now who will be there to write Sarah's very angry posts on her favoritest Facebook whenever some terrible liberal who, unlike Rush Limbaugh, is not an expert on satire and thus has no business to ever utter the word "Retard" because Sarah Palin owns it. Forever. Trig gave it to her.

Stapleton, who has been Palin's right-hand woman and among her most trusted advisers since being unleashed upon the unsuspecting world as part of Gramps McCain's Faustian bargain to win the White House in exchange for his soul, is apparently following in her boss's footsteps, abruptly quitting so she can focus on things like "ice skating and skiing" and "spending more time with her family," who apparently have meant nothing to her for the last 4 or so years.

"While it has been an honor to help Gov. Palin and her family over the last few years, I am also honored to have this incredible opportunity to stay home with my precious miracle, Isabella," Stapleton said.

Oh so now everyone's kid is a precious miracle? Hmmm, have fun explaining to li'l Trigger why he has to share being all precious and miraculous with some cooties-infected Latina-sounding chick named Isabella!

"At 2 years old, I have missed significant moments in her life, but I look forward with great happiness to celebrating milestones as well as mundane moments with her as I refocus my priorities. I also look forward to seeing my saint-of-a-husband again, too!"

WHOA WHOA, okay, calm down Meg. We get it. You literally cannot wait another second to get the hell away from that crazy Alaskan hell-woman and into the strong, burly arms of your very own patron saint hubby, Saint Francis of Assisi Stapleton.

"While I had hoped to work together on so many more projects, time with my precious 2-year-old has been further minimized with the whirlwind commitments of all things Palin," she said. "I have done my best to scale back, but Isabella is now resorting to hiding my BlackBerry, and she shouldn't grow up begging for a mother to start acting like a mother.”

I mean we all know how Bristol turned out...

"Meg has been deeply involved in all things Palin and instrumental in Sarah's many successes,” Fred Malek, a prominent Republican fundraiser and Palin friend, told POLITICO. "It's hard to replace anyone so loyal, tireless and effective, but the Palin phenomenon will continue. Meg has surely earned the privilege to devote more time to her 2-year-old daughter, but I expect she will continue to render advice to her good friend on key issues."

Oooooh, we hope so! Otherwise, how will Sarah ever know how to lie, cheat and distort reality to make herself look like she actually knows where the hell Africa is or what the hell she means by the "health care that's necessary to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation" other than baby Trigger doesn't stand a chance against NObama's death squads?

Or even how to yell at former baby daddy's on social networking sites using ironic quotes like "precious miracle" or "blessed little angel" all while going rogue on liberal elitist teleprompters, relying instead on the power of her unshakable faith in the Almighty to guide her.

To the nearest convenience store to pick up a pack of ballpoints so she can scribble nonsense on the palm of her hand like Jesus instructed.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Crazy Kentucky Sen. Jim Bunning Throws A Curveball At Helping Poor, Struggling Americans

See this sweet face?

Well, get to know it my friends, because this scrumptious mug belongs to none other than insane electoral aberration, Kentucky's very own illiterate contribution to society, Senator Jim Bunning, who likely just cost your broke, out-of-work ass any and all health and unemployment benefits heading your way. Yay!

Yes, thanks to this pillar of the Senate community's wise decision to single-handedly block a bill extending expiring unemployment benefits and health care payments to jobless Americans, your already miserable, pathetic existence just got even more unbearable. Three cheers for Jimbo!

Under whatever obscure, soul-crushing, nation-destroying Senate rule our beloved minority party discovered while collectively losing their minds over a socialist black president named Barry, a deranged one-man trainwreck like Sen. Jim Bunning can indeed derail an entire legislative body's ability to function, all because rich white people like him are infinitely superior than dumb povs like you and I.

But what's fueling this distinguished gentleman from the magical land of fried chicken and $1,000 mint juleps' one-man quest to screw over everything and anything, particularly those with pulses but not jobs?

It's "just awful," Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-W.Va.) said. "You've got to be pretty mad about something to stop the extension of unemployment insurance."

Or you could just be that one weirdo former Hall of Fame pitcher who somehow duped the good people of Kentucky into believing that his ability to paint the outside corner with a 95 mph heater for the Phillies somehow makes him qualified to throw filibusters as a fringe member of the world's greatest deliberative body.

You know, the same beloved mental giant who looooves taking his anger and frustration out on America's poor, unemployed population because the meany Democrats ambushed him, and forced him to actually explain his objection to extending aid and benefits to said jobless men and woman, thus causing Mr. Bunning to miss his precious Kentucky-South Carolina basketball game. The selfish bastards!

Okay, okay, so ol' Jim Bunning isn't winning any senate congeniality awards--and is largely considered "one of the more eccentric members of the Senate, who doesn't mingle much with his colleagues, can be gruff, rarely talks to the press," and in his exchanges with Democrats, refers to President Barack Obama as "your president."

He doesn't do the whole "black president" thing.

In fact, Bunning is such a pariah that even the Republican leaders in his own Grand Old Party of a**holes can't stand the sight of him, and are forcing the old coot to retire this year rather than run for re-election.

"Just when we thought they couldn't sink any lower, Republican obstructionists are now using Americans who have lost their jobs to make a political point," said Brad Woodhouse, spokesman for the Democratic National Committee. "Shameful."

The Senate's No. 2 ranking Democrat, Richard Durbin of Illinois, tried to get Bunning to finally agree to stop denying aid to tens of thousands of Americans struggling to make ends meet, even reading letters from Kentucky residents in a desperate attempt to thaw his ice-cold heart.

"I just don’t think one senator ought to be able to heap this kind of suffering and misfortune on people who are already struggling in this economy," Senator Durbin said. "This is a wild pitch you are throwing tonight because it is pitch that is hitting somebody in the stands."

Awww snap, hit him where it hurts, Dick!

Senator Claire McCaskill also blasted Bunning, saying his obstruction proved how far removed some lawmakers were from the plight of out-of-work Americans.

"It is easy to get out of touch around this place," Sen. McCaskill said. "People open doors for you and bow and scrape. It's really easy to forget what people are going through, what families are feeling right now. And really, 30 days of unemployment insurance – have we gotten to the point that that’s going to be a political football?"

Don't be ridiculous! We're talking baseball references here, Claire!

Either way, all appeals to reason and decency were lost upon the good man from Kentucky, whose simple two-word response, "Tough sh*t" pretty much said it all. That and the fact he is not seeking re-election in November due to a lack of basic sanity requirements and financial support because it's hard to raise money when you're a miserable bastard who no one likes.

"I'm trying to make a point to the people of the United States," Bunning said.

Never elect racist, 78-year-old washed up Major League lunatics from states whose biggest claim to fame is widespread obesity and rampant heart disease courtesy of Colonel Sanders secret spice.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Obama Takes On House Leader Who Glows & Senile Former Foes During Final Health Care Throes

Nothing makes for must-see teevee like seven straight hours of shouting, incoherent back-and-forths about wonky health care reform particulars, like how many poor, pathetic Americans the new bill in Congress could help not die, if the lovely men and women elected to represent them even remotely cared about silly statistics like preventable deaths.

But since they don't, the next best thing is watching the U.S. President and his Democratic allies effectively manhandle Republicans, who favor much more modest changes, like Obama suddenly dropping dead or disappearing Jimmy Hoffa style deep in the Kenyan wilderness, during today's bipartisan debate on the nation's health care crisis.

Naturally, both sides came to this extraordinary, live "media event of the ages," locked, loaded, and ready to rumble over the right prescription for the nation's broken health care system.

For the Democrats, this of course means 2,400 pages of comprehensive reform
representing their already-passed Senate bill, including such contentious GOP kryptonite as allowing parents to keep young adult children on their health plans into their 20s, cutting fraud and waste, and ensuring that sick people aren't dropped by insurance companies quicker than John McCain drops his principles.

For the Republicans, coming prepared means presenting no new ideas, raising no new objections, and simply repeating the same stale talking points from the same lame playbook from a year ago--to oppose any and all of the demon President's effort to reform health insurance in America, no matter what.

"While Democrats worked hard to include ideas we have consensus on, Republican rhetoric would seem to be stuck in park," Rep. George Miller (D-CA), chairman of the House Education and Labor Committee, said. "They want to start over and delay these reforms further, doing nothing to help families' health and financial security, small businesses' competitiveness, and our nation's fiscal future. Doing nothing is the last thing the American people want."

Which is precisely why it is exactly what they'll get!

health care as "one of the biggest drags on our economy," whose overhaul is imperative "for the nation's future economic vitality," President Obama blasted the partisan bickering that has left 30 million Americans uninsured, with their only choice being what color stain they'd like for the wooden coffin hosting their broke, decrepit bodies.

"Politics I think ended up trumping practical common sense," he said, urging Republicans to cooperate enough for "an actual discussion, and not just us trading talking points."

A point Sen. John McCain was more than happy to prove by confirming that he and the rest of the Grand Obstructionist Party members won't be voting for any Democratic plan that doesn't start with a blank sheet of paper, and/or denounce all Democrats as tree-hugging hippies who don't use Kleenex but hundred dollar bills to blow their noses, and know-nothing of the struggles of average Americans who don't own eight million-dollar homes spread beautifully from coast-to-coast across these lovely United States.

Attacking President Obama and Congressional Democrats for using "unsavory" backdoor processes "produced behind closed doors," citing the "special deals" which are no longer actually in the bill, as proof that Obama should "start over," saying voters "want us to sit down together and do what's best for all Americans."

"They want us to go back to the beginning," McCain said, confident that his knowledge of an American public who resoundingly rejected him a year ago, is far better than anything some stupid actually-elected President could ever know.

To which Barack Obama responded by politely reminding Gramps that, "We're not campaigning anymore. The election is over."

"I'm reminded of that every day," McCain retorted, mostly in the form of that nagging broad Cindy who just looooves to rub it in his face, the dumb b*tch.

"Both of us during the campaign promised change in Washington," McCain said, adding that Obama vowed to put all of his health care negotiations in front of the camera.

"I'm glad that more than a year later they are here," McCain said, because everyone how much his charming personality shines under bright camera lights.

Obama tried to cut McCain off before the old man really embarrassed himself with promises of change and wars and mavericks, but was met with a stern, "Can I finish please?" instead.

"The American people care about what we did and how we did it," McCain proudly finished.

To which Obama quietly chuckled before torching the old man with a stunning combination of reason and sense.

"We can have a debate about process or about how to agree and pass health care reform. The latter debate is the one they care about more."

Aww snap, where you at now, Grandpa? Huh?? I can't hear you!

Oh sorry, didn't realize it was nap time already.

Using the final moments of his health care summit to ask them to put up or shut up, Obama ended by saying, "I'd like the Republicans to do some soul searching on whether they will support the Democratic health care plan," adding if they don't want to cooperate, the two parties can battle it out at the polls this November.

"We cannot have another year-long debate about this."

Absolutely not! It must be at least three more years, just enough time to get Sarah Palin prepped, groomed and in prime position for her big chance to take down NObama once and for all! Her hands must be sparkling clean and free from any and all particles, dirt, or other debris that could obstruct her uncanny ability to NOT READ from a teleprompter, like all the evil, elitist, literate, good for nothin' politicians, but rather from the palm of her own hand like a real special needs President.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

There's Only One Version Of History John McCain Follows: His Own!

It ain't easy being Gramps McCain. As if trying to turn into a bag of Earl Gray in order to defeat some insane, initial-named birther, J.D. Hayworth, isn't hard enough, Johnny has the unfortunate task of doing it all while fighting a losing battle with dementia, and a daughter and trophy wife who simply will not stop getting bound and gagged for gays. Oh, Walnuts!

And still, John McCain thinks denouncing birthers will win him a Republican primary. Which it won't, but hey, it's still a better strategy than pretending everyone else suffers from the same mind tricks, selective memory problems, misfiring synapses, and plaque build-up apparently ravaging his 73-year-old brain.

Which helps explain why Sen. John McCain has decided to go maverick on reality, rewriting his own version of history, one which makes him actually look like he is capable of being more than a washed-up anger ball whose claim to fame was languishing in a Hanoi prison camp after accidentally crashing his plane deep in enemy territory nearly half a century ago.

Like how he never suspended his presidential campaign to address the 2008 financial crisis, but if he did it was only because President George W. Bush called and forced him to because his sage wisdom was the only thing that could save America from total financial calamity.
Saying a worldwide economic catastrophe was imminent and that he needed his help, McCain said Bush called him in off the campaign trail, "I don't know of any American, when the president of the United States calls you and tells you something like that, who wouldn't respond," McCain said. "And I came back and tried to sit down and work with Republicans and say, 'What can we do?' "
And that's not it either! Did you know that Barack Obama was so jealous of McCain's brilliant decision to suspend his campaign that he stole the idea and also temporarily suspended his campaign in a cheap ploy to avoid debating such an exciting, charismatic orator with as much mass appeal as Johnny Mac Daddy on prime-time television?

"[Bush] didn't ask me to suspend my campaign," said McCain. "I suspended my campaign -- as did Senator Obama -- to come back to Washington because the President had told me that we were in a world financial collapse. That's why I did what I did. I always said that consistently."

See? He's consistently maintained that Bush asked him to suspend his campaign to help out, until admitting that was actually nothing but a desperate figment of his wild imagination. Of course, the real truth is that Obama DEFINITELY suspended his campaign too, though. He's sure of it. Absolutely positive, in fact. Without a doubt, 100 percent that is what happened. That much he knows is true.

Except for the little fact that Obama never announced he was suspending his campaign when he went to Washington to join McCain, Bush, and congressional leaders, for a White House meeting on the crisis, engineered by McCain himself. Quite the opposite, in fact, with Obama saying he still planned to show up for the presidential debate that Friday, arguing that a president needed to be able to do two things at once.

Of course, when asked whether his memory of events was the same as Gramps over here, Steve Hildebrand, who ran the Obama campaign's field operation, told TPM: "Nope. We proceeded directly ahead, pointing out along the way that McCain was incapable of doing two things at once."

Nonsense! John McCain is perfectly capable of lying about two things simultaneously!

As for his own bizarre, misguided hiatus from campaigning, McCain eventually acknowledged that he may have given the Arizona Republic a different impression about the extent of Bush's role in his decision, saying, "If I mischaracterized it, or misstated, fine. But I have consistently said, ever since the beginning, at the time, that I was coming back because I was told by the President of the United States that we were on the verge of a financial crisis."

And since he was on the verge of a mental crisis himself, his decaying mind figured who better to help steer the country--and his psyche--back on track?

Even if things didn't end up going his way, he could always resort to his backup current strategy of pretending events unfolded the way he would have liked, or at the very least, make sh*t up as he goes along.

Like how he would NEVER would have voted for that terrible, Socialist $700 billion bailout package for the banks if he wasn't tricked by those dirty weasels Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke into believing the bailout money would help struggling Americans pay for their mortgages, not fat cat Wall Street bankers pay for their gold-and-diamond encrusted pulley-and-lever systems to help them maneuver more efficiently to the vending machines down the hall.

According to the Arizona Republic:

[T]he four-term senator says he was misled by then-Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. McCain said the pair assured him that the $700 billion Troubled Asset Relief Program would focus on what was seen as the cause of the financial crisis, the housing meltdown.

"Obviously, that didn't happen," McCain said. "They decided to stabilize the Wall Street institutions, bail out (insurance giant) AIG, bail out Chrysler, bail out General Motors ... What they figured was that if they stabilized Wall Street -- I guess it was trickle-down economics -- that therefore Main Street would be fine."

God Damn liars! Sure, everyone understood that TARP was focused on stabilizing Wall Street, not directly on the housing market, in order to prevent a total collapse of the financial system. Including John McCain. But what everyone seems to not understand is that was John McCain then, this is John McCain now.

And much like Reality is Reality, and Delusion is Delusion, never the twain shall meet.

Dick Scoffs At His Aorta, Challenges His Heart To Attack Him Again

Lovable, white-haired cuddlebug Dick Cheney is doing fine and dandy, relaxing in a hospital after his most recent 'chest pain' scare. Of course, it being Dick Cheney and all, we should have known mild "chest pains" are really secret code for mild "heart attacks," one of which he indeed did have on Monday, bringing his grand heart attack total to an impressive five.

Cheney's robust, 69-year-old heart's latest failure to contract effectively and properly circulate blood puts Dicky near the top of the all-time leader list, and in serious contention for a coveted place in the Vital Organ Malfunction Hall of Fame. Ummm, congratulations??

Of course, like any undisputed, heavyweight champion, Dick's meteoric rise to the top of the cardiac arrest charts didn't happen overnight. It's taken unique talent (like flirting with his first attack at the spry age of 37), years of hard work, determination, unchecked rage, and countless heaping plates of Fettucini Alfredo, to get Dick to where he is today:

"Resting comfortably" in a hospital bed after suffering his heroic fifth heart attack, for America.

Ironically, America won't be "resting comfortably" until his obituary is published, likely when Dick suffers his sixth and final heart attack on the inauguration of President Barack Obama's second term.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Congrats, Gays! Now Slightly Less Than Half Of America Believes You're Going To Hell

Wow, America you should be swelling with pride. And by pride, I naturally mean the flamboyant, rainbowy gay kind.

That's because for the first time in the history of mankind and/or public opinion polls, less Americans think homosexuality is a morally repugnant abomination against the Lord than do. And it only took 238 years to get Jesus out of America's collective bedroom! Woohoo!

You see, for more than 30 years, a majority of respondents to the CNN/Time poll have said that a "homosexual relationship between consenting adults is morally wrong," while a minority have said homosexuality is "not a moral issue," proudly linking gays and eternal hellfire since 1978!

That is, until Presidents Day Weekend 2010, when for the first time ever, 50% of respondents said homosexuality is not a moral issue, and only 48% said that it was morally wrong. A small, two percent step for man, a giant leap for mankind's dependence on thousands-of-years-old scripture to determine the kinds of love God permits (one man, one woman) and the kinds that bring fire, brimstone and salt pillar wives (homosexuality).

Not surprisingly, the number of respondents calling homosexuality morally wrong has fluctuated since the 1978 poll, depending on a number of factors, namely which of God's chosen messengers on Earth is occupying the White House and/or if gays are being strung up on fences and left to die on the side of the road in the middle of bumblef**k Wyoming.

Back in '78, 53% of respondents said it was immoral to be in a gay or lesbian relationship, while in 2001, that number rose to 55%, likely thanks to George W. Bush's return to good, old fashioned American values like preemptive wars, torture, tax breaks for oil companies, Wall Street, big-time campaign contributors, and attributing 9/11 to God's wrath against the usual trifecta of sin: gays, Jews, and abortionists.

Other significant changes in attitude towards homosexuals in America include the very scary, life changing question of whether gay and lesbians should be free to be their fabulous selves when defending the very freedom they are currently denied themselves.

A whopping 69 percent, the highest number of supporters ever recorded for that question by far, said they favor allowing gays and lesbians the chance to leave the closet while fighting and perhaps dying as out 'n proud members of the U.S. armed forces.

Figures they would choose the one perverted, sexually deviant number when destroying the moral fabric of American society as we know it.

But, not all military brass are behind repealing the very sensible Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy prohibiting the ghastly gays from parading around the barracks in nothing but tighty whiteys and sunglasses a la Tom Cruise's Risky Business performance.

"I do have serious concerns about the impact of repeal of the law on a force that is fully engaged in two wars and has been at war for eight and a half years. We just don't know the impacts on readiness and military effectiveness," Gen. George Casey, the Army chief of staff explained to the Senate Armed Services Committee.

Yet, despite two old white men's homophobia and hesitation to embrace change, Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen has not budged on his opinion that the 17-year-old DADT policy is legally unconstitutional and morally reprehensible.

"No matter how I look at this issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens," he said. "For me, personally, it comes down to integrity, theirs as individuals and ours as an institution."

So true! I mean imagine what the convicted rapists, armed robbers, and other violent offenders comprising our ranks would think if suddenly every Arabic-speaking queer with essential linguistic skills but no criminal record was suddenly allowed to shimmy shake right into their ranks?

What would that say to our highly impressionable troops?

I, for one, do not want to see the day when it's okay to be gay but shameful to have served 5-10 hard years for battering your ex-girlfriend with a sledgehammer.

Priorities people!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Great Scott! Anything Can Happen When Brown Turns Blue...

Oh no, the end is near! Republican Great White Hope, one-time nude model, Scott Brown, who was supposed to ride his freedom truck to Washington, DC to save America from its socialist death slide, has instead voted with the tyrannical Democratic majority to destroy a Republican filibuster of the terrible, new $15 billion 'Jobs Bill' to bring the Bushwhacked economy back from the abyss.

Okay, so maybe we should have been slightly suspicious when he refused to wear clothes for that hoity-toity, elitist magazine cover, Cosmo something or other. But seriously Scott, aligning with the DEMONcrats on only your second Senate vote? For shame!

Is this what you think the good Teabaggers of Massachusetts had in mind when they trampled Teddy Kennedy's ol' bones, destroying decades of hard work and dedication in a revolutionary wave of racism and insanity, to ensure the rest of America doesn't have the kind of terrible, Socialist, government-run health care they currently enjoy?

I should certainly hope not!

But here we are, once again thisclose to condemning another one of evil Barry's awful bills to create jobs for Americans to slow death in filibuster hell (where it belongs), and this bleeding-heart hippie in Teabagger's clothes jumps ship, joining Democrats in order to move forward and allow actual debate on the bill. Gasp!

And as if that wasn't bad enough, four other alleged Republicans suddenly decided they too care about creating jobs for poor Americans who need them, even more than creating tax cuts for rich Americans who don't, and decided to join Brown over on the dark side called progress.

Republican turncoats, Sens. Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, Kit Bond, and George Voinovich also bucked GOP leadership, instead siding with Democrats and rational thought, by giving Dems the 60 votes they needed to support the bill--and thus destroy everything we love about America, like unemployment, inflation, and rising costs of living.

But fear not Republicans, there's still plenty Brown can do for you! Especially when wearing a suit, refraining from inhaling the exhaust fumes from his truck, and flexing his brain instead of just his biceps.

In other words, when not forced to prove his conservative street cred to a bunch of morons named after the sexual act of choice of drunken frats and high school house parties, and dressed like Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Alexander Hamilton if they were about to shoot a Snapple ad, in order to win a special election against a piece of driftwood by the name of Martha.
I came to Washington to be an independent voice, to put politics aside, and to do everything in my power to help create jobs for Massachusetts families. This Senate jobs bill is not perfect. I wish the tax cuts were deeper and broader, but I voted for it because it contains measures that will help put people back to work.
Hopefully, the kind that requires clothing.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Cure For The Common Conservative: Dr. Ron Paul, M.D.

The only thing that makes Republicans angrier than gays and black presidents combined is apparently every potential Republican candidate.

They can't even find a decent frontrunner to win a meaningless straw poll at Woodstock for Wingnuts, the Conservative Political Action Conference, for crying out loud!

So instead of a respectable candidate like Mittens Romney, who usually cleans up at these things because he's such a handsome Mormon and great at capturing the conservative spirit of acting like a complete a**hole, the CPAC crowd chose Libertarian darling, Doctor Ronald Ernest "Ron" Paul as their 2012 GOP nominee for president. Hooray!

Winning nearly 31% of the nearly 2,400 votes at the conference, Dr. Paul's literal vasectomy of perennial meaningless straw poll victor Mitt "Mittens" Romney, whose meager second place finish with 22 percent of the vote proved, once again, no one--not even a room filled exclusively with Republicans--likes Mittens enough to actually vote for him.

But what do they think of their shining new libertarian hero and foe of big, bad government, Ron "Less is More" Paul?

"When Mr. Paul's name was announced in the packed ballroom of a Washington hotel, it elicited hoots and boos along with applause. Although Mr. Romney won fewer votes, he seemed to draw stronger applause," the New York Times writes.

CNN added that a majority of participants "said they wished the Republican Party had a better field of candidates to choose from."

"CPAC organizers were plainly embarrassed by the results, which could have the effect of reducing the perceived impact of a contest that was once thought to offer a window into which White House hopefuls were favored by movement conservatives," Politico reported.

Lookin' brisk Teabaggers!

Of course, the biggest loser of the night (or winner by CPAC's 'everything is backwards' standard) was none other than world famous satirist, skilled palm reader, and fearless defender of special needs babies everywhere, Facebook guru Sarah Palin, whose pretty face was only enough to garner a patriotic 7%. But on the bright side, at least she didn't have to show up!

Too bad, we can't say the same about the rest of 'em.

The complete loser breakdown:

  • Haley Barbour: 1% ("If you see me losing 40 pounds that means I'm either running or have cancer." Either way, he's still fat, a loser, and not leaving Mississippi's Gov. mansion for 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. anytime soon)
  • Mitch Daniels: 2% (No relation to Jack Daniels, thus no one cares about Indiana's Governor. At all)
  • Newt Gingrich: 4% (Still not gonna run, still tweetin' like a MoFo. How do you say "What Do You Morons Not Understand About The Words Not Interested" in 140 characters or less?)
  • Mike Huckabee: 4% (What the Huck? Thought the 'bee was supposed to be a straw poll master, not bass-playing, occasionally obese disaster)
  • Tim Pawlenty: 6% (Who??? Even a cool nickname like T-Paw isn't enough to rescue this Minnesota has-been. Our aPAWLogies!)
  • Mike Pence: 5% (Who??? May be the No. 3 Republican in the House, but still just another Hoosier loser)
  • Rick Santorum: 2% (Still crazy, still not going anywhere, 'cept maybe a place that sounds like his name, and the walls are padded)
  • John Thune: 2% (As hot as Mittens, and by the looks of it, is slated to be just as successful, too!)
So there you have it folks. The 2012 GOP landscape in a nutshell. Emphasis on the nut.

But don't worry, we're sure Doctor Paul has just the cure for what's ailing the Grand Old Party!

Do Not Resuscitate?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Sweet Freedom Of Idiocy Never Tasted So Good

It's no secret the loyal birthers, secessionists, constitutionalists, and Dick (Cheney) Heads attending Woodstock for Wingnuts, 2010's Conservative Political Action Conference, love freedom. So much in fact that there's nothing they'd rather do than suck the sweet nectar of liberty from Robert E. Lee's slave-lovin' teet.

Freedom is everything to them! Freedom from oppression at the hands of a socialist (black) Nazi from Kenya, freedom to pack as much semiautomatic heat as their little liberty-filled hearts desire, freedom to spontaneously contract Ebola and bleed out in front of the Senate in protest of health care reform, freedom to pray to sweet Jesus above that the President Barack Obama suddenly drops dead (of natural causes!), and of course, the freedom to discriminate against whichever abomination against God is currently offending their incredibly delicate sensibilities.

But who among the usual suspects of homos, abortionists, feminazis, pacifists, elitists, non-Christians and other "ist" tyrants of the Left is keeping the 'baggers from enjoying their piping mug of NON-BLACK tea now?

Give up? Why, it's everyone's favorite scapegoat of sin and hellfire, the almost able To-Ask-and-Tell rainbows!

Well, one patriot of the revolution headlining CPACapalooza, Ryan Sorba of the California Young Americans for Freedom, is seeing red (COMMUNIST RED!) over CPAC's inclusion of the gay conservative group GOProud (yes, they do in fact exist), allowing the hedonist homos to co-sponsor the event, host a booth and who knows what other deviant 'services' they may be thrusting upon the decent star-and-striped heterosexuals. (What, like teabagging?)

But, this defender of freedom from tyranny and gayness happens to know a few things about God and His idea of natural rights. And it sure as hell ain't Adam and Steve!

"Just to change the subject for just a second, I'd like to condemn CPAC for bringing GOPride to this event," Sorba told the suddenly gay-friendly crowd erupting into boos at the mere thought of not allowing their fellow conservatives participation in CPAC. Exclusion from marriage, the military, adopting kids, and discrimination protections are one thing, but being denied the right to teabag on the basis of sexuality is quite another. You betcha!

And they will exercise their God-given right to boo and heckle as much as they'd like, thank you very much.

Good thing Ryan Sorba loves getting booed almost as much as he loves loving women.

"Bring it. Bring it. I love it. I love it. I love it."

"Guess what? Guess what? All right, guess what? Civil rights are grounded in natural rights," said Sorba. "Natural rights are grounded in human nature. Human nature is a rational substance in relationship. The intelligible end of the reproductive act is reproduction. Do you understand that? Civil rights, when they conflict with natural rights, are contrary -- hey, you sit down. The lesbians at Smith College protest better than you do. The lesbians at Smith College protest than you do. All right? Bring it."

He'd know too, considering he dated half of them, that is before they all coincidentally realized they were no longer attracted to men immediately following their Ryan Sorba experience, and instead found themselves running, screaming into the arms of a woman.

It's called the freedom to flee from idiots, imbeciles, and ignorant creeps like you, Mr. Sorba, and you better believe, a sweeter freedom there never could be.

Ooooh, Could It Be A Bride For Ryan?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Forget The Beatles, The Only Thing Bigger Than Jesus Is Dick!

Where does a sneering, creepy, washed up, former henchman of the apocalypse (aka George W. Bush's eight-year hell reign), who is hated by many and loved by few, go when he needs a little pick me up?

Give up? Why to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), of course!

It's where all the old, irrelevant societal pariahs go to once again feel like a star, bask in the warm light of attention, and whine about that dithering Kenyan menace who hates freedom almost as much as starting wars for no reason.

A place where surprise guests and once shining stars like former vice president Cheney can go be their true Dick selves, and still receive thunderous applause and standing ovations from the adoring audience even while balling the sh*t out of the dumb numbnuts for clapping way too long and way too loud.

It's been awhile since he's been around actual humans, he almost forgot how God damn annoying you people are. Almost.

In fact, if he hears one more of you idiots chanting "Four more years!" or "Cheney 2012!" he's gonna friggin' lose it. He'll bust out the waterboarding table right here, right now, so help him God.

"Knock it off!" Cheney said. "A welcome like that is almost enough to make me want to run for office again. But I'm not gonna do it."

Wanna know why? Cause he's (a) Dick that's why. And quite frankly, this country doesn't deserve his sweet, sourpuss face and soothing monotone voice.

Much like the dumb bastards don't deserve a new opening line and will have to settle for a repeat of his 2008 speech instead.

Hahaha, suckers!

Per his usual Dick self, Cheney's remarks were short, slightly encouraging, and more than a little menacing.

"There are some great years ahead of us and it's very, very important that we succeed," Cheney said. "It's a remarkable time to be an American, a remarkable time to be a conservative. Good luck."

Not like you'll need it thanks to the deranged soothsayer you have to lead the way.

"I think 2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause," Cheney said to the now-hyperventilating audience. "And I think that Barack Obama is a one-term president."

Which of course caused the crowd to pass the normal excitement threshold into utter and total hysteria, gasping for breath in between squeals of delight.

Cheney, who was introduced by the blonde-estrogen-filled version of himself, hell daughter Liz, as part of the off-the-hook, proud "younger generation" of Republicans with equally terrible ideas and similarly demented views of the world, vowed to remain active in the conservative cause.

"I'll do everything I can, but I most especially want to encourage the younger generation," Cheney said of his actions in the future.

In the form of my lovely non-gay daughter Liz, who I've trained since birth to heed the Cheney call and make Daddy Dick proud as part of the "younger generation" of social misfits and human defects who gaze adoringly at this grimacing, decrepit, white-haired, occasionally incapacitated 69-year-old, four-time heart attack survivor and prophet of doom, and think to themselves, thank god this man, no this God, is here to restore America to her rightful place as the Star-spangled Satan we once knew and loved so well.

In other words, the Dick Cheney of world superpowers.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Sorry Gays, Virginia Is For Lovers, Not Sinners!

Renowned lover of Jesus and keeping women out of the workplace and in the kitchen where they belong, Virginia Governor Robert "Bob" McDonnell has decided to continue Christ's gospel of love, compassion, and equality by removing discrimination protections for gay and lesbian state workers in Virginia, apparently the state for deity-approved lovers only.

Rescinding the previous rainbow-tinted Democratic Gov. Tim Kaine's 'fair and inclusive' non-discrimination policy, which had been in place for four long, homo-lovin' years, Republican Bob McDonnell
's new, slightly tweaked executive order prohibits discrimination "on the basis of race, sex, color, national origin, religion, age, political affiliation, or against otherwise qualified persons with disabilities, including veterans."

(Not so) subtly omitted from his list of prohibited discrimination practices is, of course, sexual orientation, because gays and lesbians are so universally beloved and revered, they don't need any extra protections in place. Especially in such an enlightened and progressive place as Republican-controlled Virginia.

Besides, a measure protecting gay and lesbian state workers from discrimination already passed the Democratic-controlled state Senate. Sure, it's all-but-certain to fail in the Republican-controlled House, but seriously how far do we need to go to accommodate these people? What makes them so God damn special? Next thing you know they'll be demanding to be treated like everyone else or something ridiculous like that.

All McDonnell's trying to do is keep the playing field evenly balanced. You know how rough life can be for heterosexuals in general, let alone in the former capital of the confederacy. No need to give those homos any more of an upper hand than they already have.

Not surprisingly, there are some people, namely the gays and those pesky liberal equality freaks, who are not at all pleased with McDonnell's decision to rollback gay rights as casually as Wal-mart rolls back prices.

Gay rights groups panned McDonnell's decision, calling the move a "sad" development that strips state workers of protections that they had under the last administration. Boohoo!

Former governor Tim Kaine's spokesman Hari Sevugan said McDonnell should be "ashamed" for the new policy, blasting the governor for pandering to the radical right's fear-mongering, hysteria, and demonization of homosexuality for their own political gain.
It says a lot about the Republican party that they would anoint as their 'rising star' someone who in 2010 is actually stripping away from Americans legal protections against discrimination. Bob McDonnell is proving his critics right. He said he'd focus on creating jobs, not social issues. But, one of his first acts as Governor was to make it easier for a fellow citizen to be denied a job and he did so as an adherent to a right-wing ideology that allows for such discriminatory behavior. McDonnell's decision is just plain wrong in any context, but especially so in this economic climate.
Whatever do you mean?

Gays and lesbians are already thisclose to taking over our Armed Forces, threatening the cohesion of our troops with their deviant lifestyles, freshly pressed uniforms and love of ensemble musicals.

The last thing the state of Virginia needs in these tough times is a bunch of fabulously dressed, half-naked homos sashaying through the streets of downtown Richmond atop bright, rainbow-colored pride floats blaring disco music and Barbara Streisand, as if the end of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" means the start of "Please Share, We Want To Know."

This is 2010 Virginia, God damn it, and Bob McDonnell intends to keep it that way!

You want Gomorrah 3123 B.C.? Head 345.9 miles northeast and follow the signs to New York City.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Latest Racist Anti-Obama Right-Wing Outrage Foiled By Common Sense, Simple Google Image Search


Omg, can you believe the nerve of this guy? Putting his dirty feet--the very ones he uses to walk on the ground--upon the sacred 'Resolute' desk given to us as a gift by dear Queen Victoria back when his people were still slaves, and civilized people occupied the Oval Office.

And this is the thanks she gets? A shiny black sole right in the kisser!? For shame!

Well, thank heavens this sort of elitist behavior will not go unnoticed by the throngs of right-wing cranks, teabaggers, and white power enthusiasts scouring desperately for something, anything, to prove this chocolate-skinned demonchild from Kenya has no place in the pure White House of blessed, God-fearing America.

So, in light of the unfortunate fact that it is no longer acceptable to say the "N-word" on the teevee or radio (Fox News included), the wingnuts on the right were forced to do the next best thing and send a furious email about NObama's latest affront to decency, honor, and the light-skinned integrity of the presidency.

Subject: Keep your feet OFF the furniture!

Does this photo of President Obama in the Oval Office convey anything to you about his attitude?

Would you speak with the Chief of Staff, your Chief Economics Adviser, and your Senior Adviser with your feet up on the Resolute Desk – a gift from Queen Victoria to President Rutherford B. Hayes in 1880?

We should inundate the White House with emails demanding he keep his feet off of our furniture.

This arrogant, immature & self-centered man has no sense of honor, or of simple decency.

While this posture is disrespectful in any culture, it is absolutely never done in any executive setting.

Further, in over half of the cultures of the world, it is recognized not only as disrespectful, but as an extreme insult.

He thinks of himself as a king — and not as a servant of the people, humbly occupying our White House for his term in office.

Electing him was an enormous mistake — and will cost us in many ways, for generations.

Conservatives haven't been this outraged since that incorrigible Rosa Parks lady refused to give up her seat and move to the back of the bus like a decent elderly woman. Once again, hundreds of years of tradition, reverence and honor destroyed in one fell genuine leather thud.

Oh and don't give me the whole "George Bush did the same exact thing when he was in office" bullsh*t. Cause it is completely different!

At least George W. Bush had the common decency to be white when kicking back and spitting on British royalty's good-faith gift to their former colonial possession.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

CPAC Goes X-Treme, Adds Snacks, Rap To Teabagging Mix

Guess what America? It's almost the most blessed time of the season, when all the cool kids who love freedom and hate taxes descend on Washington, DC to bitch about blacks and browns, and of course, Comrade Barry's socialist takeover of America during another rip-roaring weekend of Conservative Political Action Conference fun!

But this ain't your grandfather's CPAC! Because much like its off-the-hook, hip-hop Chairman of the Streets, Michael Steele, this year's CPAC is going X-TREME!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you "Epic Nights" at the XPAC Lounge, your one-stop shop for all the dopest pop culture personalities, entertainment, music, and laid back programming you need for a rockin' weekend of teabagging fun!

Whoever said conservative wasn't chic, obviously never got to hang in an XPAC lounge, dubbed the "hub of fun" by one hip organizer. Youth in da house, what what!

There will be video games and junk food and all the cool stuff kids really go for like Stephen Baldwin.

"We're gonna have the most popular games. There'll be Guitar Hero. There'll be Dance Revolution. There'll be Call of Duty," said Kevin McCullough, the radio host who created the XPAC Lounge with actor Stephen Baldwin.
Ooooh, go on?

There will be icons of the right like Ann Coulter and her famous three-foot neck of freedom, hip-hop mogul and big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele, and even exciting fan favorites of yesteryear.

"I wouldn't be surprised if somebody of Joe-the-Plumber stature came in three times a day to come in and rally the kids," CPAC spokesman Ian Walters said.

Yay! America's favorite fake sanitary worker can tell all the kids how if they work really hard and pay attention in school, they can pretend to be a hard-working plumber too! No septic tank experience needed!

And like any hip, young conservative celebration worth its weight in teabags, there will be plenty of "hip-hop" and "conservative comedy" to keep 'em bumpin' and grindin' all night long.

'Cause here at the XPAC, it's all about the Benjamins...and the fun!

Organizers are putting a premium on the fun factor. The lounge will be equipped with Nintendo Wii and Xbox and will feature about 10 video game stations, two with seven-foot screens. "Old school" games like air hockey and foosball will also be on hand.

It will be the scene of a late-night "rap/jam session" on Thursday and a conservative comedy lineup on Friday.'s Strategy Room will also be broadcasting from the XPAC Lounge.

So while Lou Dobbs moans about how the Mexicans and poors are ruining America outside in the cold, the inside will be sizzlin' hot. We're talkin' Sarah Palin level!

Peeps just chillaxin,' playin Madden, shredding the axe, eatin' 'za, doin' cola, throwin' down beats, pumpin' the rap music, and just kickin' back, bustin' on big government, budget deficits, the whereabouts of that bully Barry's birth certificate, why marriage can only be between one man and one woman, whether you need to wear a cool Tucker Carlson bow tie to be a true conservative, and what a total buzzkill the Estate Tax is.

Throw your Lipton in the air if you're wit me, bros!

2 cool 4 Blue, GOP 4 Life! Holla!!

Monday, February 15, 2010

It's Presidents Day! Guess The Only Patriotic Thing To Do Is Pray For Obama's Death Like A Good American

On this beautiful Presidents Day, most Americans are content to honor the February birthdays of the nation's first president, George Washington, who helped found the country, and the nation's 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, who helped keep the country together, by not going to work, school or the mailbox, and maybe even saving a few bucks on the new car or mattress they've been eying thanks to the obligatory holiday blowout sales.

This is what most normal people do on national holidays. Then there's people like Orange County's Wiley Drake and Arizona's Steven L. Anderson, who celebrate liberty and justice for all by praying to the heavenly father that the current illegal Kenyan President, Barack Hussein Obama, drops dead, hopefully by something natural like Ebola or a bullet to the brain. Yes, that sounds perfect.

In Wingnut circles, the hot, new, wholesome sounding, evangelical fad "Pray for Obama" is all the rage, appearing on bumper stickers, magnets, T-shirts, teddy bears and whatever other inanimate objects that racist nutjobs can desecrate and hawk to their equally pathetic congregants and any other ignorant white Christians afflicted by the Obama Derangement Syndrome, a terrible disease with no known cure or treatment that ravages the brain and senses 'til there's nothing left but gray and white mush in the shape of a cross.

Accompanying this patriotic "Pray for Obama" slogan is of course Psalm 109:8: "May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership" followed by "May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow."

Since no racist damnation would be complete without the obligatory Satan reference, rounding out this sick trifecta is the phrase: "If you have an evil leader above you, you pray that Satan will stand by his side and you ask God to make his children fatherless."

It's called the "Imprecatory Prayer" and can be found in tweets or emails, heard from pulpits throughout the south, and felt wherever else fringe lunatics gather to weep about the coming apocalypse at the hands of the chocolate-hued demon with the funny name who usurped power from the very same God-fearing white folks often seen at teabagger festivals, cross burnings, public lynchings, and all other beloved white Christian pastimes.

For Pastor Wiley Drake, who heads
First Southern Baptist Church in Orange County, the Imprecatory Prayer is now a "DUTY" ever since God "answered his call" with the murder of Kansas abortion clinic doctor George Tiller in church last May.

"George Tiller was far greater in his atrocities than Adolf Hitler," Drake said at the time, "so I am happy. I am glad that he is dead."

This naturally was also a sign from God to add that "usurper that is in the White House...B. Hussein Obama" onto the list of the damned recited in his church on Sundays.

The eternal hellfire list includes Senator Chris Dodd, Senator John Ensign, Representative Barney Frank, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, Attorney General Eric Holder, Nancy Pelosi and, of course, President Obama, along with any other homosexual, socialist or other heretics who believe we evolved from apes instead of Adam's rib.

"We have listed here only a few of those that we are praying for," wrote Wiley, "first for their salvation in Jesus, and if they continue to deny God and do unrighteous things to our country we then agree with God that He take them out."

And he doesn't mean for a slice and scoop.

"I'm known as a birther, you know. I don't believe Obama was born in this country. He's an illegal alien and so forth," Wiley explained as matter-of-factly as a sane person commenting on the weather. "And so I began to pray what the Bible teaches us to pray and that is imprecatory prayer. An imprecatory prayer is very strong...Other Psalms say when they speak evil, God will break out their teeth and when they run to do destruction God will break their legs."

Like Jesus and Tony Soprano.

As the messenger of God's word here on Earth, Wiley knows there will be people who are offended by the idea of praying for death, be it president, pimp, or pope. But he doesn't let that bother him.

"I'm praying the word of God. I didn't write it. Don't get mad at me."

You don't choose divinity, divinity chooses you.

Much like paranoid schizophrenia, retardation, or the voices in your head.

Which brings us to preacher Steven L. Anderson of the Faithful Word Baptist Church in Tempe, Arizona, whose level of insanity can be summed up by the fact that he makes Glenn Beck look like a perfectly balanced genius of humanity in comparison.

"I hate Barack Obama. You say, well, you just mean you don't like what he stands for. No, I hate the person. Oh, you mean you just don't like his policies. No, I hate him...I am not going to pray for his good. I am going to pray that he dies and goes to Hell."

And he is not ashamed of it, oh no people! The Lord has spoken and Pastor Anderson is heeding His call. Black Hitler must die! This black plague ravaging the White (and let's keep it that way) House must die. Wiped out, eradicated, annihilated, scrubbed clean from the face of the Earth. Or better yet, escorted to the edge of the Earth, where the world ends and tossed down to the dark abyss below.

You see, Anderson is so gifted at detecting Satan's spawn here on Earth that he generously offers parishioners a glimpse into his divine wisdom with his personal prayer and famous sermon, "Why I Hate Obama."

"Break his teeth, oh God, in his mouth, as a snail which melteth, let him pass away, like an untimely birth of a woman—that he thinks—he calls it a woman’s right to choose, you know, he thinks it’s so wonderful, he ought to be aborted. It ought to be, 'Abort Obama,' that ought to be the motto."

You go, Steven! You tell Barry the baby killer a thing or two about what is right (Christians) and what is wrong (everything else).

Especially gays, who should be promptly executed.

"The same God who instituted the death penalty for murders is the same god who instituted the death penalty for rapists and for homosexuals, sodomites, and queers!"

Guess God's go-to cure for homos, AIDS, lost its potency?

But before everyone gets their panties all in a twist over Anderson's 'imprecatory prayers,' just remember he never called for violence against Obama. Just disease.

"If you want to know how I'd like to see Obama die, I'd like him to die of natural causes," Anderson explained. "I don't want him to be a martyr, we don't need another holiday. I'd like to see him die, like Ted Kennedy, of brain cancer."

How unbelievably thoughtful of you!

Gather the flocks, alert the faithful, for the Rapture is upon us!

Yes, Jesus walks among us my friends! Establishing the Kingdom of God on Earth in the form of two aesthetically opposite, equally insane Southern Baptist ministers with zero college education and an intense death wish for black presidents and non-closeted queers between them.

Ah yes, the Lord indeed works in mysterious ways.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

If There's Anything Joe Biden Knows, It's That They Don't Call Him Dick For Nothing

America's most famous Dick crawled out from his dank shelter 50ft beneath the Earth's surface, braving both air and sunlight, to grace the simple, unsuspecting carbon-based life forms above with dire warnings and apocalyptic visions about his favorite subjects: war and terror.

And also to celebrate his other crowning achievement while in office, the two-year anniversary of that glorious Feb 11 day when he "accidentally" shot his best friend Harry Whittington in the face during a quail hunting expedition. A best friend who should have known better than to let his dumb face get in the way of Dick Cheney's spraying bullets. The fool!

No, no, this time, the master of creepy, sneering subterranean creatures of the night didn't emerge from the rich soil just to toot his own quail and people hunting gangsta VP horn.

Not when this country is in the middle of a war. A war, which the current Obama administration seems to not have the faintest idea how to handle, but is trying to steal all the credit for anyway. No one, I said, NO ONE, takes credit from Dick when it comes to duping the public into invading oil-rich countries for shits and giggles. And certainly not any dithering, pussy commander-in-chief who actually takes time to think about what they're doing before squandering trillions of dollars and thousands of American lives to capture bin Laden, destroy al Qaeda, get oil oust a mustached menace named Saddam, spark a civil war, and turn Iraq into the new terrorist hot spot.

Which is why Dick had absolutely no choice but come above ground to go on national teevee to repeat his two most favoritest words in the whole wide world: "dead" and "wrong."

Blasting the Obama administration's "passive, pre-9/11 mindset" for putting the country at risk, big Dick Cheney took aim at current vice president Joe Biden's recent statement on Sunday's Meet the Press, that another attack on the scale of 9/11 is "unlikely."

You see, poor Joe Biden made the terrible mistake of saying that Cheney--who simply doesn't much care for softy Obama's refusal to torture and unlawfully detain suspects in secret Cuban prisons--is "trying to rewrite history" and is "either misinformed or is misinforming" about what policies have been most effective in combating terrorists.

"The worry is legitimate," Biden said. "The reason why I do not think it's likely because of all the resources we have put on this, considerably more than the last administration, to see that it will not happen."

You mean waging two-front wars and administering blindfold, upside down luxury drownings to anyone who even slightly seems Muslim-y doesn't make us safer??

Well one dick doesn't like all that pre-9/11 defeatist talk. That naiveté may be fine and dandy in peacetime, but this is war, people!

"I think, in fact, the situation with respect to Al Qaeda, to say, you know, that was big attack we had on 9/11 but it’s not likely again – I just think that's just dead wrong." Cheney said.

"I think the biggest strategic threat the United States faces today is the possibility of another 9/11 with a nuclear weapon or a biological agent of some kind. And I think Al Qaeda is out there – even as we meet – trying to figure out how to do that," Cheney added, crossing his fingers in the hopes that maybe, just maybe his doomsday vision comes to bloody fruition.

He also doesn't much appreciate NObama and Co. trying to steal his war thunder. Iraq is his war, you hear?? HIS WAR, damn it!!

Scoffing at Biden's absurd comments that Iraq may end up being one of the Obama administration’s greatest success, Cheney laughed, eh more like cackled, "I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by my friend Joe Biden." And by friend, he of course means qualifies as the next recipient of some nice buckshot to the face.

"I'm glad he now believes Iraq is a success," Cheney said. "For them to try and take credit for what has happened in Iraq strikes me as a little strange...So if they are going to take credit for [Iraq's success] – fair enough – for what they've done while they're there – but it ought to go with a healthy dose of 'thank you George Bush' up front. And a recognition that some of their early recommendations with respect to prosecuting that war were just dead wrong.”

"I believe very deeply in the proposition that what we did in Iraq was the right thing to do," Cheney said. "We got rid of one of the worst dictators of the 20th century."

Sure as hell we did! After that no WMD desert debacle, the only Bush we'd let anywhere near the White House is the one decorating the South Lawn.

But, yeah, that Saddam guy was kind of a dick too...

Not like Cheney dick, but hey, what did you expect, I mean the guy's only human after all.

Saddam, that is.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Hey Kids, It's Gay Sex Time With New Hampshire State Rep. Nancy Elliott

America deserves to know a thing or two about the shining pillars of enlightenment handpicked by the people to speak on their behalf as their esteemed elected state representative.

Ladies and gents, without further ado, I give to you dedicated advocate of justice and freedom, New Hampshire's very own lovely State Representative Nancy Elliott.

Here, this fearless champion of equality discusses HB 1590, eloquently laying out her arguments to repeal the ghastly same-sex bill that just slutted its way through the New Hampshire state legislature.

And for a woman who doesn't seem to be overindulging in the sex department, she sure has a dirty mind!

"We're talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think, I'm not sure, would I allow that to be done to me?"

"Would you let that happen to you? Is that normal? Is that something we want to portray as the same as the one flesh union between a man and a woman?"

Heavens no! Certainly not! The one flesh union of one man's hot throbbing love muscle thrusting in and out of one woman's slippery, juicy honey pie (as God intended) could never be the same as two men poking their swords in and around each others' genitals in some sick, twisted, unholy union of sin. Never, you hear!

Because this is what gay marriage is truly about people! Not love. Not equality. Not the freedom to choose who you marry, raise children or share your life with, but simple penis-vagina ratios.

Never mind that silly "union" nonsense. Everyone knows it's not who you love but where you "wiggle" your genitals that really matters!

Sorry, Mr. Elliot. Looks like the Valentine's Day surprise you were hoping for ain't happening this year. Or at least not from the wifey.

Good thing your secretary Kitty's idea of love is letting you 'wiggle' it wherever you want, even dirty "gay" places. Gasp!

Just like a modern-day Adam and Eve. Except in this fairy tale, substitute the Garden of Eden for the Royal Garden Motel.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Be All That You Can Be When Forced To Be Someone You're Not

So what can we infer from this latest poll of braindead America other than the collective IQ of our fellow countrymen hovers somewhere between Forrest Gump and Joey Tribbiani? And that's being generous!

Well things are certainly much clearer now that we know America is all for letting plain ol' gays and lesbians serve in the military, as long as the dreaded homosexuals understand being 'all you can be' doesn't extend to their kind.

Heavens no!

Sure, a gay there, a lesbo there, everyone's happy and all is well in the world. No harm, no foul etc, etc. But throw a homo into the camouflaged mix and who knows what crazy rainbow-tinged mayhem might ensue?

The last thing America's armed servicemen and women need is an environment where those who are different are accepted, not bound, gagged and beaten to smithereens in a corner for being that one fag whose partner shares the same reproductive parts they do. Sickos!

Before you know it, you've got soldiers being honest, even tolerating (gasp!) the very same people entrusted with their lives.

So, after years of ignoring Don't Ask, Don't Tell until suddenly realizing there's no one left to translate Arabic, the military, at the behest of Barack Obama, has finally decided to repeal the sensible, decades-long policy that ranks rapists, drug addicts, and violent offenders well ahead of the dreaded sickness of fashion sense and fabulousness.

Which probably explains why, much like Barry, even the regular folk have suddenly taken a liking to those shiny happy people who were put on this planet solely for the constant amusement, and of course judgment, by their fellow citizens of humanity. And it only took 17 years!

In fact, a whopping 70% of Americans now say they support "gay men and lesbians" serving in the military, while just 59% feel the same way about the miserable "homosexuals."

Which can likely only be explained by people seeing the words lesbians and thinking "Whoa, hot girl on girl action?? Sweet, sign me up!"

Naturally, homosexuals fare worse than gays and lesbians in any scenario, but it's also the whole "openly" idea that makes people nervous. In the case of to closet or not to closet, just 44% favor allowing "homosexuals" to leave the dank, damp storage room that is their lives to serve openly in the military, while 58% favor allowing "gay men and lesbians" to loudly and proudly sacrifice their lives for country.

The last thing we need are a bunch of Ellens and Eltons bursting out of Army closets across the land, wearing their gay and lesbianess on their sleeves for all the world to see. What are we European or something? Ugh.

Why can't they just be ashamed of their sexuality like a normal person and go to any and all lengths to keep their dirty little secret to themselves?

What we need are more heterosexual heroes who aren't afraid to call out homosinuality as a pox on Earth, a blight upon humanity, an act as depraved and immoral as Judas himself.

Decent, god-fearing people like Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Charlie Crist, and Ted Haggard, who at least have the common courtesy to pretend they're straight, when not secretly cruising airport men's rooms, the ripe, supple Senate page program, highway rest stops, abandoned church parking lots, rat-infested warehouses, dark, garbage-strewn alleys, drug-fueled street corners, and the seedy prostitution ring behind the old, deserted Christian community center and bible studies class.

It's called tact.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Newt Gingrich Sorry 4 H8in' On NoBama. Jk, Lol!

Nuh-uh, no you didn't!

Adorable powder-haired human troll Newt Gingrich committed the Republican cardinal sin today when he admitted (gasp!) he was actually wrong on something. And not just on any something, but on a national security matter--the beloved lifeline of the GOP! Their number one area of expertise!

Which means he was also wrong on their other favorite pastime, indiscriminately bashing Barack Obama for whatever terrible sin he committed this time, because it is only acceptable to do these things (anything) when it is a Republican president in the White House. Get with the program here people!

Like when Newt Gingrich told John Stewart on the Daily Show last night that the Obama administration's decision to "mirandize" the Christmas Day underwear bomber (aka read him his rights, not toss him in a sewer with bloodthirsty rats), was a terrible, costly error likely resulting in another 9/11, at least! (Keep your fingers crossed?)

Of course, when Jon Stewart pointed out to Sir Newt that the same decision had been made under his beloved George W. Bush to mirandize fellow incompetent terror failure, shoe bomber Richard Reid, Gingrich's natural reply was that Reid was "an American citizen."

Only problem being that Richard Reid is actually a British citizen (which is sort of like an American historically, right?), thus undeserving of George W. Bush's kind words and the rights of the American justice system.

Luckily Newt Gingrich has seen the error of his ways (it only took 24 hours), and decided to tweet an apology in 140 characters or less via the Republicans' favorite contrition delivery service, Twitter.

Err, sort of. Thing is Newt(on) over here was thinking of convicted enemy combatant José Padilla, who unlike the British shoe-bombing bloke Richard Reid, happens to be an American citizen.

A very Mexicany-sounding American citizen (so, torture away!?).

Either way, the important thing is that "treating terrorists like criminals is wrong no matter who is 'Pres.'"

They should be treated like a rabid dog and shot on the spot.

Except of course when it is George W. Bush who is "Pres." Then clearly the administration knows best if and when to move Padilla from a military prison (three-and-a-half years later) to the criminal justice system and a civilian trial. That's why they call 'em the Deciders, silly!

Just like Newt explained back in 2005 when the U.S. was strong and good not weak and socialist.

"Bush was wrestling with what are the real ground rules for dealing with people who are clearly outside of normal warfare," Newt explained, suggesting that a criminal setting was appropriate for Padilla because it was the most effective at the time.

"[W]e don't have a good set of rules," he added.

So to be fair the Republicans now only follow one simple rule: whatever Barack Obama does is wrong and terrible and will likely end in a catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions.

Ummm, Gingrich 2012?

Robert Gibbs Gives World Famous Satirist Sarah Palin Taste Of Her Own Medicine

Damn that Robert Gibbs! Damn him to hell! Making fun of Baby Trig and special needs children everywhere, by scribblin' some notes on his hand during Tuesday's White House Press Briefing.

Well, excuuuuuuse him if he isn't elite enough to use a teleprompter like some hoity-toity presidents, talk show hosts, news anchors, and other Very Important Persons who aspire to be more than just the pretty face of the teabagging nation or the constant butt of late night talk show hosts and stand-up comedians.

Just like the common man and his Alaskan gal pal Sarah Palin, Robert Gibbs isn't afraid to go the old-fashioned cheat sheet route when speakin' to the good peoples of the press corps.

It's hard to remember a million things like eggs, milk, bread err, make that pancakes--not to mention all those confusing, abstract concepts like hope and change!

Of course, everyone in the press corps found the whole thing delightfully hilarious, naturally because of their elite liberal bias as working members of the evil media.

Well, laugh it up now Mr. Gibbs and Co., because things won't be so funny when Sarah Palin unleashes one of her famously harsh, razor sharp, ghostwritten Facebook smackdowns on your ass, now will they?

Didn't think so! Nope, you'll be crying like a little baby. A little special needs democratic baby!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

GOP Grudgingly Agrees To Not Obstruct For One Whole Televised Hour

Boohoo, boohoo!

The sweet, cooperative, sincere Republican leaders, trying their very hardest to help bring jobs and health care reform to the poor, suffering insurance companies American people, just can't catch a break from that Bully Barry and his unruly gang of bloodthirsty Demoncrats. Meanies!

Every time they come thisclose to grinding President Obama's terrible, socialist agenda to a halt and ruining everything for everyone (who isn't white, rich, or insane), that deviant Kenyan man has to go and propose some sensible, sound solution, like a Bipartisan Health Care Summit, where the GOP can voice their biggest gripes, deepest secrets, darkest fears, and wildest fantasies, live on national teevee!

All the Republicans have to do is show up, which is clearly just another outrageous demand from the out-of-control madman we call president.

Can you believe the nerve of this guy? Asking the Republicans to simply show up for an opportunity to help craft some of the most important policy legislation in decades. Who does this jerk think he is, the President or something?

Good thing the Republicans care so much about the American people, they're willing to put petty politics aside and do whatever it takes to help the country!

All Obama has to do in return is scrap nearly a year of contentious legislative wrangling that produced two bills, which passed both chambers of Congress (albeit with no GOP support), and start over completely from scratch. Then, maybe, just maybe the Republicans will consider attending Mr. Hopey Changey's little bipartisan health care summit.

"If the starting point for this meeting is the job-killing bills the American people have already soundly rejected, Republicans would rightly be reluctant to participate," House Minority Leader John Boehner and Minority Whip Eric Cantor wrote in a letter to the White House.

"'Bipartisanship' is not writing proposals of your own behind closed doors, then unveiling them and demanding Republican support."

Damn right it's not! Bipartisanship is letting the Republicans dictate a new bill, word-for-word, or you and those 50 million uninsured Americans can go screw yourselves, NObama!

But selfish Mr. Big Shot Obama apparently won't just abandon all the hard work that's already been done just to appease a few, unhappy congressional campers who won't be pleased until ObamaCare joins Teddy Kennedy six feet under, where it belongs.

"Obama's been very clear about his support for the House and Senate bills because of what they achieve for the American people: putting a stop to insurance company abuses, extending coverage to millions of hardworking Americans, getting control of rising premiums and out-of-pocket costs, and reducing the deficit," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained.

"The President looks forward to reviewing Republican proposals that meet the goals he laid out at the beginning of this process, and as recently as the State of the Union Address. He's open to including any good ideas that stand up to objective scrutiny."

"What he will not do, however, is walk away from reform and the millions of American families and small business counting on it. The recent news that a major insurer plans to raise premiums for some customers by as much as 39 percent is a stark reminder of the consequences of doing nothing."

Grandma dies and Republicans win?

Luckily, the GOP has been such good sports and reasonable, agreeable participants through the whole reform process.

"We don't make a habit out of turning down invitations from the President regardless of the merit of the exercise," one senior GOP aide said. "Although we're not excited about filming an infomercial for the President's new 'bipartisan' PR campaign."

Aww, c'mon! Not even if we throw in a li'l cameo as the courageous defenders of the poor, long-suffering insurance execs and Wall Street fat cats being persecuted under Comrade Barry's terrifying reign as a ruthless thug trying to help average Americans have more choices than death or bankruptcy, whatever the chapter?

And if all goes well, Obama can then offer Republicans their precious tort reform (so doctors and hospitals can stop being victimized by greedy patients whose litigation crusades hurt almost as much the botched surgery they seek compensation for), asking only that some of them vote for it in return. And then, when they still say "no," the American people will realize the truth...

The Democrats can do everything and still not get anything done. While Republicans can do absolutely nothing, and still, somehow accomplish everything.

Exactly the way a healthy democracy is supposed to work!