CPAC: It's Just Like Lollapalooza, Minus The Music And Fun

How Cute, A GOP Furry!

Ah yes. It is once again that beautiful time of the year when every gun-loving, gay bashing nut job from around the country descends on Washington for a rip-roaring weekend of Conservative Political Action Conference fun!

There, the brightest conservative minds in the country will gather at the Omnishore Hotel to bitch about Barack Obama's socialist takeover of America while giddily plotting the Republican's stunning comeback victory in 2012.

The young American patriots who attend will also be treated to a who's who list of Republican stars including GOP God Rush Limbaugh, America's favorite fake sanitary worker Joe The Plumber, and of course the lovely not-at-all insane Ann Coulter, along with her three-foot neck of freedom.

Although, Alaskan ice princess Sarah Palin couldn't make it, RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Rep. Michele Bachmann brought plenty of youthful GOP street cred by saying things like "my bad" and "you da man!" and other hip stuff the kids really go for these days.

Then Tucker Carlson showed everyone you don't need to wear a cool bow tie to be a true conservative.

As long as you've seriously contemplated stockpiling weapons and food and moving to Idaho, hate the New York Times almost as much as that illegal alien Barack Obama, and think heaven on earth consists of 25 different Fox News channels, you too can become part of this noble party to save America.

You just might have to wait a good four to eight years. Minimum.

Who's Da Man?

Octo-Pussy? Octo-Mom Says Not So Fast!

Uh Oh. Looks like Octomom Nadya Suleman has a problem, other than her questionable mental state.

The poster mom for responsible parenting is worried the Nazis over at Kaiser Permanente Hospital won't release her eight newborns unless she proves she can care for them.

Which may present a problem for the 33-year-old unemployed mother of 14 who's spent the last three decades steadily rotating between getting knocked up and getting knocked out for as many cosmetic surgeries as it takes to look like her celebrity idol Angelina Jolie. Then maybe she can score her own Brad Pitt...or at least someone willing to be her baby daddy beyond an anonymous sperm injection.

So things haven't exactly gone the way Nadya hoped.

Sure, she still lives with her half dozen kids in her mom's three bedroom house, has no job, gets advice from Dr. Phil, and is in serious jeopardy of losing her Octomom status unless she can figure out a way to care for the rest of the Suleman litter not yet in her possession.

Too bad she has too much self-respect and good sense to take up Vivid Entertainment's sordid $1 million dollar offer (plus health care for her whole family) to star in her own porno flick.

She is just not that kind of girl.

"Despite what people think of my methods to get pregnant, I believe in love and romance. Not cheap thrills that belittle women...Besides, what will my 14 kids think when they grow up?"

You mean other than wondering why their Octowhore mother is so damn broke? Good question.

The Spy Who Shagged Me

Sex, Lies, & Videotape

Of all the ways to improve America's standing in the Islamic world, finding out that the CIA's top point man in Algiers has been moonlighting as a crazed sex fiend who drugs and rapes Muslim women is probably not one of them.

But, it is, unfortunately, the reality. Turns out that while Andrew Warren spent his days fighting terror as the CIA's station chief in Algiers, he spent his nights terrorizing women with date-rape cocktails and sexual assault crimes.

Allegedly. If you believe the two Algerian women in an affidavit signed by the State Department that goes into lurid detail describing secret agent man's extracurricular activities.

Or the subsequent search of Warren's Algiers home that uncovered typical stalker spy stuff like computer drives and data-storage devices, a handbook on the investigation of sexual assaults and large quantities of Xanax and Valium. Nothing suspicious there.

In addition to being a spy and rapist, Warren also dabbles in fiction, publishing a pulp thriller whose main character happens to be a U.S. diplomat battling terrorists in none other than Algiers.

In this version, hero "Nick Phillips," has an affair with a beautiful Algerian woman named Mariam who shuns Arab men ("because they're too controlling") but falls in love with Nick because he "respects her and treats her as an equal," and "never pressures her and understands her culture."

Really?? That's the best you can do? Ha ha, no wonder "People of the Veil" wasn't exactly flying off the shelves. Someone should really inform Andrew Warren that the truth is stranger than fiction.

Might give him some ideas for his second novel.

Must Love (Portuguese Water) Dogs

The Barry Bunch

Guess what America? Your prayers have been answered. No, your 401k hasn't suddenly re-surged and your home is still worthless, but the Obama's have finally decided on the newest, furriest member of the first family: a rescue Portuguese Water Dog.

Wooohooo!

"Temperamentally they're supposed to be pretty good...it's not small, but it's not a huge dog. And the folks that we know who own them have raved about them. So that's where we're leaning."

In other words, it's not a girly dog, won't shed all over the place, and Ted Kennedy just loves them.

Sounds perfect to First Lady Michelle Obama. Except for one thing.

"Oh, the names are really bad. I don't even want to mention it, because there are names floating around and they're bad. I think, Frank was one of them. Frank! Moose was another one of them. Moose. I said, well, what if the dog isn't a moose?"

Then you won't have to worry about Sarah Palin aerial hunting it while it frolics unsuspectingly on the White House lawn, now will you?

Who Needs Action When You Got Words?

In his first prime-time speech as president, Barack Obama will depart from the usual foreign policy focus to deliver a sobering assessment of the nation's economic crisis, including details of his socialist financial rescue plan.

But unlike his predecessors, Obama also plans to "treat the American people like adults, and share the truth with them about where we are and where we need to go."

Ugh. Who wants the truth when you can have lies? You think we want to hear all about how we've been living beyond our means for years and now our country is flat broke and how it's going to take a lot of hard-work and sacrifice to make things better?

Well we don't.

We want to hear all about how the mighty US of A is the best, most awesome country in the world with an endless supply of cash money to do whatever we want. Like start wars so we can shock and awe everyone with our remarkable power.

Or give disgraced CEO's millions in bonuses while their company collapses because we're America. And America is rich. And the people? Well, it doesn't get any more swell than these tremendous citizens of humanity.

But since bummer-bones Barry apparently prefers to see America's glass as half-empty, we're going to have look elsewhere for a little confidence boost.

Luckily we have Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, the GOP's rising star and potential 2012 presidential candidate, to deliver the Republican response to Obama's soul-crushing speech.

Unlike our pessimistic president, Jindal won't ruin our lovely evening with a realistic approach to the situation and inconvenient truths like how "our nation is facing a crisis we may not be able to reverse."

He'll just lie to us instead. Feels so much better that way.

Reluctant Hero Rick Santelli Accepts Your Challenge, America!

Obama Vs. Santelli: Round ?

It's on!

When CNBC reporter Rick Santelli went off on his wild rant about how Obama's mortgage bailout plan forces good, hardworking Americans like himself to pay for other people's irresponsible mistakes, he didn't think much of it. He was just speaking from the heart.

Sure it crossed his mind that a reporter coming slightly unhinged on network television might cause some buzz, but he never thought he would be thrust into the limelight as the voice of opposition to Barack Obama's "bad behavior bailout."

But, much like Joe the Plumber before him, Rick the Reporter is finding his 15 minutes of fame too intoxicating to let go.

So the reluctant new Robin Hood is taking his one-man act on the road, hitting the airwaves to explain how he and his family are being terrorized by Obama's White House just because he believes in fiscal responsibility and not giving handouts to every pathetic sap who can't pay his mortgage.

Maybe the White House is so threatened by Santelli because they know former derivative traders and Wall Street loud-mouths who become the poster child for responsible spending have such credibility with the American public right now.

Particularly those whose day-to-day reality consists of reporting from a trading pit with a bunch of sweaty guys who make more money every time they squawk than the value of all the nation's toxic mortgages combined.

Are You Ready For Rick?

Slumming With The Stars!

This year's humbled-down "modest" Oscars were a slummin' success--from the totally reasonable $35,000 gift bags (Hollywood bargain!) to the rags-to-riches Mumbai darling Slumdog Millionaire snagging 8 Academy Awards including Best Picture and Best Director.

Heath Ledger rightfully won Best Supporting Actor and not just because he died, but because no one plays a psycho, demented scar-faced clown quite like him. Kate Winslet obviously won the Best Actress award because she is British and it's basically like a rite of passage for them. The whole Holocaust theme didn't hurt either.

The "commie, homo-loving sons of guns" in the Academy also apparently have a sweet-spot for all things not-straight, including Sean Penn's portrayal of San Francisco's openly gay mayor Harvey Milk, which earned him the Best Actor award.

This in turn earned the audience an earful from Penn, who showed you don't have to be gay to play gay, but you must love gay. Or else.

"It's a good time for those who voted for the ban on gay marriage to look into their minds and anticipate their great shame in eyes of their grandchildren. We've got to have equal rights for everyone."

What you thought Sean would come to some ritzy-ditzy Hollywood award show just to accept his gold statuette and walk off without saying something fiery and political? He's an activist first and an actor second, and he doesn't need Hugo Chavez to prove it.

Oh, and let's not forget the fabulous Hugh Jackman who flailed his hot host- self around just enough to keep 33 million Americans tuned in...and confused about their sexuality for three and a half hours.

Here's To Hugh!

The More You Spend, The More You Save!

Hmmm, This Is Harder Than I Thought

After a busy week stimulating America, Redistributionist-in-Chief is at it again, pushing another one of his ambitious goals to rescue the country. This time, Comrade Barry plans to cut the annual deficit at least in half by the end of his term. Ha ha that's a good one.

I mean what the hell's he gonna do, withdraw troops from Iraq and place higher taxes on the wealthy?

Oh.

Well let's see. The president inherited a deficit for 2009 of about $1.2 trillion, which, including his spendulus package, will rise to more than $1.5 trillion. But his plan for withdrawing combat troops from Iraq will save about $90 billion a year, which is a shame because wasting obscene amounts of money on a war that can't be won has done wonders for us so far.

Normally his wild plan to tax the richest Americans, including the investment income (gasp!) of hedge fund and private equity partners at ordinary income tax rates instead of at bargain basement capital gains rate, would be more laughable than Joe the Plumber trying to be a real journalist.

But with hating Wall Street all the rage this season, President Obama's socialist shenanigans just may find enough congressional steam to pass.

The bad news is the rest of us are stuck listening to Rick Santelli rant like a lunatic about how "we're subsidizing bad behavior" by helping the poor when we could be helping responsible, deserving folk like Bernard Madoff instead.

Big Spendin' Barry

Imagine How Much Frankincense $787 Billion Could Buy!

Opponents of Barack Obama's $787 billion stimulus bill are looking to none other than El Savior Jesus Christ to show America the true evils of pork-filled legislation.

Now, the same conservative group that showed us the truth about Barack Hussein Obama and his terrorist pal Bill Ayers, is taking on the newest apocalypse of doom, liberal congress's billion dollar baby. And it's putting it in proper biblical proportions.

If Jesus wasn't enough to prove the unholy nature of the spendulus bill, the ad goes even further. Using a clip of liberal, pork-loving Satan Sen. Chuck Schumer, a New York Democrat to terrify the public. *Shudder.*

“Let me say this, to all of the chattering class that so much focuses on those little tiny, yes, porky amendments. The American people really don’t care.”

Wrong again, Mr. Senator. If the American people didn't care about porky things, would SPAM really be that popular?

I think not.

Hip-Hop Michael Steele Goes Off The Hook

You remember Michael Steele don't you? The newly elected Republican National Committee Chairman who beat out those other two Klansman in a surprise upset to become the first black head of the RNC?

Well that's not the only surprise Mr. Steele has in store.

First comes the "off the hook" public relations offensive to attract younger voters, especially blacks and Hispanics, by applying the party’s principles to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings.”

Translation: convince young minority city-dwellers that the party of rich white Southerners really has their best interests in mind.

Then Mr. Steele will “surprise everyone” by updating the party's image using the Internet and advertisements on radio, television and print. Very avant garde stuff.

But he wouldn't elaborate too much, saying he would be an idiot to give his opponents too much information. Don't be silly, Michael. You're already an idiot.

But, we'll give you one thing. If there's anyone who knows the Republican Party needs to shake things up and reach "beyond our comfort zones," it is this man of Steele.

"We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets." How can you argue with brilliance like that?

Courtesy Of Wonkette: Hip-Hop Michael Steele

Republicans Cry Un-Kosher! Will Bring Home The Bacon Anyway

Some brave Republican governors are risking it all to take a stand against Comrade Barry and his $787 billion Socialist stimulus bill to ruin America.

These true American heroes have had enough of his pork-filled spendulus package and are threatening to reject the money available for education, health care and infrastructure in their states. Now that takes courage.

The kind of courage that puts conservative ideology far ahead of the needs of struggling, everyday Americans. So what if their states face some of the most crushing budget deficits, soaring unemployment, and staggering foreclosure rates in the entire country?

These patriotic governors face an even bigger obstacle. Like how to put their own political aspirations (Can you say White House 2012?) ahead of the needs of their states...without looking like a total Dick Cheney.

Luckily, there's a way to continue criticizing Obama's bloated, irresponsible national spending spree while secretly thanking sweet Jesus for giving their broke-a** states some money. Just ask South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. He'll tell you.

"I think the problem that was created with too much debt will never be solved by adding yet more debt. I think there are a number of wrinkles that have caused a number of us to say 'Wait a minute, let's take a long look at whether or not this really makes sense for our state.'"

Still, Sanford said he would accept the funds.

"Being against it doesn't preclude taking the money."

Of course it doesn't. The same way it doesn't make you a hypocrite either.

Well, Maybe Just This Much

Following Abortion Ban, Sales Of Hangers Surge In North Dakota

Why Should South Dakota Have All The Fun?

North Dakota, the shining star of progress and enlightenment in America, just passed a law effectively banning abortion in the state.

In a 51-41 vote on Wednesday, North Dakota’s House of Representatives passed a bill that gives a fertilized egg all the same rights as a person, meaning a fetus could not be legally aborted without committing murder.

Which is good because murder is a sin. And the people of North Dakota hate sin. All 600,000 of them. But wanna know what they do love? Churches.

And forfeiting their reproductive rights over to ovary-less elected representatives who think babies come from the big miracle farm in the sky. Not drunken teenage regrets behind the neighbor's barn.

Hi, I'm Rep. Dan Ruby And Your Eggs Are Mine!

The End Of The Affair: Bush And Dick's Bitter Break Up

Remember the good old days when George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were BFF and everyone worshiped America and we all still had money and no one had any problems?

Me neither. But if that were true, you can thank a guy named Lewis (Scooter) Libby for screwing that all up and ruining a perfectly beautiful relationship like Bush and Dick's.

So, this Scooter Libby character, warmly referred to as "Cheney's Cheney," gets convicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges in the federal probe over who leaked CIA operative Valerie Plame's identity to the press.

Cheney of course wanted Bush to give Libby a full pardon beyond commuting his 30-month prison sentence because he was a good and loyal chief of staff and therefore above the law.

But Bush thinks keeping Libby out of jail is good enough and really doesn't care if Scooter has to pay a $250,000 fine and can't practice law or vote anymore now that he's a convicted felon. Besides, Bush can't even be president again.

This makes Dick very angry, and he continues to pester the president until his last moments in office. Which doesn't go over so well with Bush, who is sick of Cheney creeping around all the time bothering him about that stupid guy with a motorbike for a middle name.

What part of boss does Dick not understand? When George is the president, George calls the shots. Except on matters of war, taxes, torture, wiretapping, attorney firings, natural disasters, and the Constitution.

Who's The Boss?

Move Over Plaxico, This Gal's Got Aim!

She may look sweet and innocent, but don't be fooled. New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand will f**k you up.

The congresswoman and mother of two keeps two rifles under the bed she shares with her husband Jonathan in their upstate New York home. And she is not afraid to use them.

Although Gillibrand admits neither she nor her husband hunts, she says, "If I want to protect my family, if I want to have a weapon in the home, that should be my right."

You hear that New York? Good. Now give your new state senator the respect she deserves. Oh and say hello to her little friend too.

Pot Meet Kettle

Well, well look who we have here, our old pal John McCain!

It's been awhile since we last saw Johnny and naturally much has changed. Like John McCain going from an "angry old candidate to an angry old defeated candidate."

On Sunday, the J Mac took his angry self to CNN, so he could let the American people know what could have been, had they elected him president instead of that socialist with the funny name.

If Johnny was in charge, that pure pork calling itself a stimulus package would be tossed into the frying vat where it belongs and his brilliant proposal of tax cuts and more tax cuts would be cruising smoothly through Congress.

A Congress he whipped into good, bipartisan shape with his stunning negotiation skills and highly coveted powers of persuasion.

Plus, unlike Comrade Barry, John would never mortgage his children or grandchildren or great-grandchildren's future on a $787 billion stimulus measure that is nothing more than pure "generational theft."

He would much rather bankrupt the country in the traditional Republican way: on fruitless wars and $2.5 trillion tax cuts for the rich.

But if that doesn't work, he'll talk to Cindy about maybe putting one or two of their numerous houses on the market. That should pretty much take care of the national debt right there.

Another 10,000 Reasons Why Roland "No Taint" Burris Deserves To Be Senator

Oh no! Turns out Sen. Roland "No Taint" Burris' nomination to the Senate may have been slightly less squeaky clean than previously thought. Which comes as a real shocker considering he was appointed to the bleeping golden thing by someone as moral and upstanding as Mr. "Hot" Rod Blagojevich.

So what if Burris conveniently forgot to disclose that former Gov. Blagojevich's brother solicited $10,000 in cash from him for Rod's campaign funds before he was appointed to the senate seat? I mean it's not like he was hiding it or anything.

It's just that he was was not "given the opportunity to disclose the facts during the impeachment committee hearings,” because he was too busy defending himself against the racist senate and telling his umbrella holder where to stand.

Yes, That's The Spot

K Street Cupid: Blue And Red Go Pink

When it comes to advice on how to be sexy and romantic, who knows better than the Casanovas on Capitol Hill?

Like Obama transition chairman John Podesta whose idea of a red-hot Valentines consists of a steamy evening at a Catholic Charity Ball. Then? Home to "spend some time with his wife." Johnny, you little rascal!

George W. Bush's former White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card has his own idea of a wild night with the missus: Dinner. Nice, quiet conversation and lots of hand-holding. Wink, wink.

Rep. Chris Van Hollen is throwing out all the stops this Heart Day. We're talking roses, chocolates, and who knows, maybe a little champagne. If all goes well, he might even read her part of the sexy legislation he's been working on. Congressional resolutions always get her in the mood. Hottttt!

But that's nothing compared to the wild weekend getaway Rep. Dan Lungren has planned for this V-Day. He and his wife will rendezvous in California, where they'll meet "two close friends" for a weekend to remember. Those crazy Californians!

Looks like these Beltway Don Juans know how to stimulate a few things other than economy!

Straight-Edge Amazon Says Game Over To RapeLay

Since the world is not violent and disturbing enough, the wizards over at Japanese gaming company Illusionsoft thought a nice, simple rape game might help spice up the market. Give the kids a good time! I mean there's only so many cars to jack, prostitutes to beat, and cops to kill before even that gets dull and boring.

Welcome to RapeLay, where you play a Japanese sex maniac who gang rapes virtual women and children in a variety of interesting and exciting ways.

But be careful. If you screw one of the "fertile" ones and she gets pregnant, you must force her to get an abortion, quick! Otherwise, the bastard child will be born and the woman will throw you in front of a train. Or stab you to death. It's either that or rape forever for the three unlucky ladies.

But Amazon has decided to ban the game because apparently some uptight people think it's wrong to make rape and murder look cool and fun.

Which is too bad because there are many lessons to be learned from RapeLay, like how easy it is to rape and molest women. Especially girls who wear skirts on trains. They're asking for it.

But the biggest lesson of course is that men can gratuitously grope women on trains without consequence and repeatedly rape their entire families without fear.

The only thing you can't do is not force them to get an abortion, because that's a sin in the eye's of god and leads to murder. Of you, a maniacal rape fiend with masochistic tendencies.

Wanted: Commerce Secretary For Quick Confirmation; Convicts Need Not Apply

"I Think I Smell A Rat"

With all the usual class and dignity reserved for cabinet nominees who withdraw their nominations by blindsiding the President while he's off campaigning, Sen. Judd Gregg announced his decision not to serve as Barack Obama's Commerce Secretary.

The problem of course being that as Obama's Commerce Secretary and token cabinet Republican #3, Sen. Gregg “couldn’t be Judd Gregg.” Meaning he would be forced to abandon his terrible ideas and ineffective policies for ones that might actually help people.

Well this proved too much for the man who nobly asked to serve as Obama's commerce secretary in good bipartisan faith to help solve the economic woes and move the country forward.

But that was before he realized he disagreed with the President on everything he stood for, economic policy, included. Well, that and what it means to be a decent, upstanding human being.

So pretty much the Commerce Secretary job is back on the market. All Obama needs to do now is find someone who isn't either a chubby Mexican governor with shady business deals or a back-stabbing weasel with two double consonants in his name.

That doesn't sound too hard, does it?

Oh, What Could Have Been

The Windy City Blues

Chicago, My Kind Of Town?

Not so fast Chicago. Sure you've been on a roll lately, claiming not one but two of the most powerful people in the world as your own (Obama and Oprah, in either order), becoming a leading contender to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, having both baseball teams make the postseason, and all around sending out good vibes from the Second City. We even have a huge silver bean for crying out loud!

But then things started going downhill.

First it was that wife-murdering police sergeant Drew "warm containers" Peterson, then came that bleeping golden governor with a grand hairstyle and even grander delusions, a January with an average low of 17 and now suddenly our fair city finds itself atop America's Most Miserable Cities, behind only Stockton, California and Memphis, Tennessee.

Really??? The only two cities in the entire U.S. dumpier than Chicago are Stockton (is that even a real city?) and Memphis? Wow. That's embarrassing.

Okay, so maybe Chicago isn't perfect. Sure, our winters are harsh, our commutes can be brutal, and our governors have a long tradition of serving jail time, but is that really so bad?

Add in rising unemployment rates, violent crime, the highest sales tax rate in the country, 100 years of Cubs world-series futility, more political corruption than Zimbabwe, and voila! you have yourself the bronze medal for sucking.

The good news of course is when you live in a hell-hole like Chicago, even Flint, Michigan starts to look like Xanadu.

Second City Reflections

GOP Looks To Bobby Jindal To Prove They're Down With Brown, Too

What Can Brown Do For You?

The Republicans will rely on their own token minority poster boy Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal to deliver the much-awaited GOP response following President Obama's first address to Congress on February 24.

Republicans are hoping their own young, chocolate-hued darling will counter the perception that the GOP is nothing more than a bunch of rich, old white men named Saxby and Strom who say no to everything except starting wars and bankrupting economies.

And what better way to showcase the colorful diversity that is the Republican party than with their one sweet-faced savior with the non-white skin?

Yes, Bobby Jindal is the perfect choice to explain to the American people that if Obama's stimulus plan is like Captain Sullenberger's US Airways flight, just think of the Republicans as the heroic flock of geese sacrificing life and limb to doom the engines and crash the plane.

Sure the GOP (geese) may end up a tangled, bloody mess of feathers, beaks, and bones, but at least the bloated stimulus bill (plane) ended up where it belongs--floating in the Hudson. Who knew pork was so buoyant?

Mike Huckabee Loves God Too Much To Support Comrade Barry's Assault On Religion

Everyone knows Comrade Barry's $828 billion stimulus package is just part of the Democrats' grand master plan to transform America into Soviet Russia.

But did you know the stimulus bill hates God? Well it does. And if you support it, you obviously hate God too.

Just ask former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee. He knows all about the deviant, "anti-religious" nature of Obama's devil bill, which bans higher education funds from being used on a “school or department of divinity.”

I mean who does Barry think he is, acting all founding father-like trying to separate church and state, like some nouveau Benjamin Franklin.

Luckily, America has Mike Huckabee to warn us about this liberal scourge masquerading as an economic stimulus bill to help millions of struggling Americans.

“You would think the ACLU drafted this bill...Emily’s List, radical environmental groups...are working with an equally ‘progressive’ President Obama" to ruin America and take away our precious freedoms.

Next thing you know Obama will be telling us humans really evolved from apes and not Adam's rib or some other crazy, half-cooked liberal concoction like that.

Barack Obama Confuses America With Clear Answers And Thoughtful Responses

Well, well if it isn't Mr. Money Bags Barack Obama acting all presidential with his $838 billion stimulus bill to save America. You know the one that's gonna create or save 4 million jobs and help reverse the damage done by letting a bunch of morons who cry pork or earmark every time money is spent on something other than bombs and guns run things for eight years.

Which reminds me how much I'm gonna miss old George W. At least he made things fun. Like when he'd act all goofy during press conferences, trying to open locked doors, making funny faces, showing his newest dance moves, and of course pronouncing words in hilarious new ways just to make America feel good, if only for a few moments. That's just the kind of guy he was.

But now we're stuck with some elitist Rhodes Scholar president who not only calls on reporters using their actual names, but actually answers the questions asked. In full detail. With a clear grasp of the subject being discussed.

Which is weird, because I always thought press conferences were so the president could awkwardly avoid having to explain anything and instead showcase the hilarious new reporter nicknames he came up with while playing Tiddlywinks with Laura in the Oval Office.

In Obama We Trust

Obama More Popular Than Stimulus Bill And STDs, Congress Not So Much

Cheer Up Barry, Compared To The Stimulus, You're A-Okay!

Alert the presses America! A new poll is sending shockwaves across the nation with some startling findings. Brace yourself for the surprise of the century: President Barack Obama is more popular than his stimulus bill!

Are you still breathing? I know it's hard to believe, but a full 76 percent of Americans approve of the job Barack Obama is doing as president, while only 54 percent support the economic stimulus bill he is pushing.

So while Barry is slightly less popular than sliced bread or an all-expense paid vacation to Cancun, he is decidedly more popular than a flat tire, Lindsay Lohan's debut album, or getting your wisdom teeth removed, without anesthesia.

Congress, on the other hand, didn't fare quite as well. With a measly 29 percent public approval rating, Congress as a whole finds itself hovering somewhere between Mad Cow Disease and SARS, though still slightly ahead of Ebola.

Democratic leaders were also considered slightly more palatable than their Republican counterparts, with 60 percent of people saying they approve of the way Democratic leaders in Congress are handling their jobs, compared to just 44 percent for Republicans.

Good thing Republicans don't care about silly things like public opinion polls or popularity contests. Or getting elected. Ever again.

Just ask Dubya!

Ann Coulter Under Investigation For Being Too Perfect

Smile If You're Insane!

Giraffe-necked darling of the right Ann Coulter is reportedly under investigation for being her usual ray of sunshine self, this time for her not-at-all sketchy attempt to register to vote in Connecticut while already being registered to vote in New York.

Which should come as a real surprise from the original long-legged poster babe of attractive pundits who mask their insanity by having blonde hair and wearing skin-tight f**k me dresses. No offense to Sarah Palin, of course, who has also found great success using this model, albeit the less educated, brown-haired, endangered-wolf hunting version.

This isn't the first time Miss Coulter has come under scrutiny for violating election laws (she was investigated in 2006 for allegedly filing a false registration in Florida), but just like last time, we're sure our dear Ann did nothing wrong and is simply an innocent victim of yet another unsubstantiated witch hunt by the godless left.

My guess is those damn "self-obsessed 9/11 widows" had something to do with it. Or maybe the pesky Jews. Ann always said they were up to no good. And when is she ever wrong?

Slutty Or Psycho?

Are You There God? It's Me, Harry

Living On A Prayer

Please, please God, let this stimulus bill pass so for once I don't look even more like the impotent, wisp of a senate majority leader everyone thinks I am.

I've tried my very best to make dear leader Obama proud. I even let Rahm Emanuel follow me around all day like a smitten school girl to make sure I didn't get bullied by those meany Republicans. They can be so rude!

But did I complain? No.

Did I whine about having to spend endless hours in backroom negotiations trying to trim $80 billion in pork so the only three rational Republicans in the Senate, Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, and Arlen Specter would agree to support it? No.

Or how about having to deal with those pesky "moderate" Democrats (whatever the hell that means...who do they think they're kidding?) like self-proclaimed conservative Nebraska Sen. Ben Nelson?

You try talking to a guy who says things like, "We trimmed the fat, fried the bacon and milked the sacred cows." A real piece of work that Nelson.

But, hey, whatever it takes to make a little ol' senate majority leader like me look powerful. Harry Reid, he's strong like bull.

And to get that damn mad man Rahm Emanuel off my back. He's scary.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

After weeks of playing it cool, listening to Republicans squawk about earmarks and pork all while keeping a straight face, President Barack Obama decided enough is enough.

It is time to tell the Republicans what he really thinks. It's not that he hates them or thinks they're bad people or anything. Just that when it comes to running the country (and he doesn't mean into the ground), the GOP doesn't have a clue.

Speaking of not having a clue, will someone please tell John McCain the elections are over? It's getting embarrassing.

We know he gets a little confused, but seriously Johnny, there is no need to pretend to be a cranky conservative completely out of touch with what's going on or how to solve it. You already lost. It's time to go home. Don't worry, we'll deal with Cindy.

Fear Not America! Fox News Won't Let Comrade Barry Turn US Into USSR

Thank God for true American heroes like Fox's Glenn Beck.

If it wasn't for fearless patriots like him, who would be there to alert the public about Comrade Barry's socialist revolution and his deviant plot to turn America into the new Soviet Union?

No one.

If it wasn't for Glenn Beck's watchful eye, before you know it, you will be living in a country where health care is provided to all citizens, including ungrateful children (gasp!), bailed out executives no longer get millions of dollars for destroying companies and ruining lives, and unionized workers join together to demand fair pay and safe working conditions.

Yes, dear leader Barack Hussein Obama has turned America into Marxist Russia. So how long until Glenn Beck is shipped off to the Gulag?

Twenty years of hard labor in upper Siberia sounds about right.

Don't Worry, Glenn! There Will Be Plenty Of Dissidents To Keep You Company

The Gospel Of Dick

God, I'll miss this man. It's only been two weeks, yet I almost forgot how lovably delightful our former vice president can be.

Like in the latest interview, where Dick spreads his usual sunshine and good cheer by predicting the catastrophic end of days all because America decided to elect some terrorist-loving socialist as its leader.

The U.S. could've just as easily opted for continued prosperity by switching around a few constitutional "inconveniences" (like those pesky term limits) so true patriots like himself and Dubya could protect America indefinitely.

Take it from Dick.

“National security is a tough, mean, dirty, nasty business. These are evil people. And we’re not going to win this fight by turning the other cheek.”

You hear that people? Enough with that Hippie Jesus bull-sh*t. The only thing peace, love and brotherhood of man ever did for Jesus was get him strung up on a cross.

If you really care about this country perhaps you should stop wondering, "What Would Jesus Do?" and instead ask yourself "What Would Dick Do?"

The answer is whatever the f**k it takes.

Wheels Just Mean I Move Faster!