Thursday, April 30, 2009

OMG, Like, WTF!? Meghan McCain Doesn't Understand Why No One Wants To Be A Republican

Sassy blogger Meghan McCain is in the closet. And not the kind reserved for gays, but something far, far worse: liberals.

Which is why she is so totally bummed that nice old man Arlen Specter decided to ditch the Grand Old Party for greener pastures in Democratic happy land.

You see, Meghan has tons of respect for Mr. Specter. Not just because he's
the longest-serving senator from Pennsylvania, having been elected four times since 1980, but because much like herself, Arlen isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes in, even if it means "ruffling a few GOP feathers" along the way. Or being forced to join a party you have nothing in common with except a famous daddy with the same last name.

Still, Meghan just can't help but feel like Arlen's let her and the rest of the ten or so blond, twenty-somethings still loyal to Republicans down. They needed him to fight for the "soul of the party" and instead he turned his back on them.

Sure, the polls were looking bleak in his primary, with his probable opponent nearly 20 points ahead. And, yes, like every other level-headed, progressive minded Republican before him, he's been made to feel like an outcast by his own (increasingly fringe) party.

But that's no reason to bolt from the party you've lived and loved for almost three decades! Didn't Meghan's father teach him anything?

You never abandon your party for your principles, you abandon your principles for your party. It's the cardinal rule!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What A Long Strange (100 Day) Trip It's Been!

100 down, 265 to go. Repeat three times and voila! Barack Obama's first term is officially in the history books. What a wild ride it's been so far!

So, what has Barry managed to accomplish in his first 100 days in office, aside from insult the Special Olympics and the entire disabled community, hobnob with Hollywood stars and athletes, get a dog not from a shelter as promised but from a Kennedy, pal around with dangerous Socialists like Hugo Chavez and those two Castros, and embark on the first part of his master plan to turn America into Soviet Russia.

But President Obama's communist reign of terror doesn't end there.

Not by a long shot.

Obama has also spent these first 100 days gutting many of George W. Bush's brilliant
policies, undoing eight years of his hard work keeping America safe by destroying the economy, raping the environment, flushing the Geneva Convention (and Constitution) down one of Gitmo's toilets, once they unclog the damn Koran stuck in the drain, and showing the world what happens when you mess with the mighty Red, White, and Blue.

Makes you miss the good old days. When someone competent was in office. Instead of Mr. 3-D-loving cool guy we call President now. I mean if the guy can't even stop crazy pig diseases from attacking the United States, how the hell is he gonna stop the terrorists!?

Covering their mouths and washing their hands?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Obama Uses Air Force Photo Op As Fun Excuse To Terrorize Wall Street

Well, well if it isn't Barack Obama once again terrorizing the good people of this country--including his favorite target, the innocent lambs on Wall Street.

This time, it wasn't his usual arsenal of executive pay caps, increased government oversight, and sensible tax policies that sent New Yorkers into a tizzy, but something far, far more sinister: the perfect Air Force One photo op!

Now, President Obama wasn't actually on the plane (he was in Washington at the time) and was not even informed in advance of Air Force One's low-altitude joy ride over New York harbor, which caused terrified Wall Street workers to flee buildings and run screaming into the streets for something other than the latest Dow Jones Industrial average.

But that didn't stop President Obama, who was also apparently furious about the incident, from apologizing and ordering an immediate review of the little publicity stunt that cost taxpayers $328,835 and caused a furor in the otherwise tranquil pastures of New York’s financial district.

“It was a mistake,” Obama said. “It will not happen again.”

God damn right it won't. Because John McCain is on it, my friends! And an apology and acceptance of responsibility from White House Military Office director Louis Caldera just ain't gonna cut it.

It doesn't matter that federal officials “took the proper steps to notify state and local authorities in New York and New Jersey" who then apparently forgot to share the information with Mayor Bloomberg.

What matters to Mr. McCain is that "the disruption and panic caused by the flight should have been foreseeable."

To think, if only Obama had even a fraction of the foresight the man who gave us Sarah Palin has, this whole mess could have been avoided altogether. Just imagine where we'd be then!

Sen. Arlen Specter Abandons Sinking Ship, Jumps Aboard Obama's Democratic Hope Train

OMG, breaking news! Pennyslvania Senator Arlen Specter has finally crossed over to the dark side and joined the godless Democrats, moving them one-step closer to the coveted 60-seat filibuster-proof majority. And moving Republicans one step closer to absolute and utter irrelevance.

Specter's decision to join Comrade Barry's Democratic revolution comes after realizing his party has become a bunch of teabagging morons with no direction, no leader, and no hope ever since that charismatic secret Muslim dude came and sucked all the life out of it. That, and the fact, that he hasn't really agreed with a damn thing his party stands for in oh, i don't know, the last decade or so, even before that Alaskan hussy Sarah Palin came along and almost ruined America.

"Since my election in 1980, as part of the Reagan Big Tent, the Republican Party has moved far to the right. Last year, more than 200,000 Republicans in Pennsylvania changed their registration to become Democrats. I now find my political philosophy more in line with Democrats than Republicans."

But some, like RNC Chairman Michael Steele, know the truth about no-good RINOs like Arlen Specter.

"Let's be honest--Sen. Specter didn't leave the GOP based on principles of any kind. He left to further his personal political interests because he knew that he was going to lose a Republican primary due to his left-wing voting record."

Damn Arlen Specter! It took him this long to realize moderates are as welcome in the Republican party as a busload of swine-flu infected illegal aliens (gasp!) trying to get into the United States!?

Please God Tell Me This Isn't My Party

Monday, April 27, 2009

Torture, Pig Flu, Sleeping Economists, Oh My!

Hollywood Squares, Crazy Global Edition!

What a week it's been here in the good ol' USA. That is, if you've managed to survive the latest import from our friendly southern neighbor (and not fun illegal stuff like drugs), but the lovely swine flu outbreak. Gracias Mexico! Nothing's sexier than dirty pig disease.

If you still have your health, congratulations, you're in for a real treat.

Let's start at the top, with our old friend John S. McCain, proud father of world famous blogger Meghan McCain and America's resident torture expert. Now Johnny admits that torture is bad and terrible and all (though it does make a GREAT story), but he also knows now is not the time to settle old political scores. It is time to put this whole thing behind us and move forward.

After all, the U.S. did make a commitment never to do this again (ok ok, so they forgot the whole "Geneva Convention" thing but no biggie), and Johnny knows no administration would ever lie. They promised. So there is no need to criminalize or hold anyone accountable for their actions because justice has already been served in the court of public opinion. So let's just forget it and "move on" and if you don't like it, he will be happy to give you the old Hanoi treatment and staple your god damn tongue to your stupid head.

Meanwhile, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continued his tenure as the world's most dapper bearded madman by saying he's ready to back a two-state solution in the Middle East if the Palestinians approve a peace agreement with Israel.

"Whatever decision they take is fine with us...we will support that." he said. "We are not going to determine anything."

Which sounds normal enough--if it wasn't for the one tiny little problem of Israel's existence and his repeated calls for it to be "wiped off the map." Other than that, denying the Holocaust, the occasional Zionist rant, and his country's secret nuclear aspirations, all is good with Mahmoud. Trust me, his word is bond.

Next we have bestselling author and arugula-eating elitist (aka contributor to the New Yorker), Malcolm Gladwell explaining why America is headed to the toilet and why Asians (especially Koreans) are so much better than dumb behemoths like you and me. Hint: It has something to do with being obsessed with ourselves, not to mention selfish, slothful and lazy, while our Asian counterparts diligently work together as they quietly take over the world.

Which brings us to Lawrence Summers, Obama's top economic adviser and notorious "serial dozer." Sure, you've seen him yawning, you've seen him sleeping, and now you can see him talking. There, you will learn that it is not President Obama's speeches that cause "Summy" to immediately lapse into REM sleep, but rather the mind-blowingly boring credit card companies and their stupid fine print. But don't worry, Mr. Summers is monitoring the situation very carefully and is confident the Obama administration is on the right path.

"There's work that needs to be done, but we're in a good position to provide the support and set the framework in which the banking system can move along the process of recovery and...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh, ooops. He'll be ready right after a little 20 minute power nap.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Al Gore Spars With Newt Gingrich, GOP Over Earth's Right To Exist

Former vice president turned environmental warrior Al Gore is on a mission to make up for blowing the 2000 elections by single-handedly saving the planet from certain smog-filled doom.

Not content just sitting at home, polishing his Nobel Prize medal and Academy Award statuette with Tipper, Al took his climate change busting butt straight to Congress, where his dire warnings could get lost in a muddled haze of partisan squawking and Republican tomfoolery.

Gore, who called the bill "one of the most important pieces of legislation ever introduced," urged Congress to rise to the challenge and meet the climate crisis head-on.

"I wish I could find the words to get past the partisan divide that both sides have contributed to...It shouldn't be partisan. It should be something we do together in our national interest."
Not if former House Speaker and frontrunner for worst-named named legislator, Newt Gingrich, R-Ga., has anything to say about it.

Apparently, Newton "Newt" Leroy Gingrich has decided to come out of retirement after his brave Clinton-bashing years opposing any and all legislative policies and executive blow jobs as Republican Speaker of the House.

But he still remembers all the old tricks.

Like how the Democratic proposal to reduce greenhouse gases is a ploy designed to hurt the American people.

"This bill is an energy tax. An energy tax punishes senior citizens, it punishes rural Americans, if you use electricity it punishes you. This bill will increase your cost of living and may kill your job."

But hey, at least your grandchildren will still have a planet.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Crazy President Obama Thinks College Should Be Affordable, Accessible

Y'all Watch Out Now!

The man allegedly known as President Barack Hussein Obama is on the attack again. This time, the latest victim of his terror campaign is none other than the (soaring) cost of higher education.

On Friday, President Obama did what he does best--other than read from teleprompters--by dazzling the media with policy ideas that are the complete opposite from a certain George W. Bush, in that they make sense and actually help people.

This time, that maniac Obama renewed a campaign promise to eliminate the Federal Family Education Loan program, costing taxpayers a nifty $15 million each day, so financial aid can go directly to students, instead of to banks and other weaselly "middle men" who turn oh-so-nice profits from this legal student slave-trade system.

"There are few things as fundamental to the American dream or as essential as a good education," Obama said. Yet, "we have a student loan system where we are giving lenders billions of dollars in wasteful subsidies."

Calling the system a "a paradox of American life that threatens to widen the gap between the haves and have-nots," Obama claims the change would save at least $48 billion over the next 10 years—money that could be funneled to student aid.

And why the hell would anyone want to do that?

Republicans are obviously concerned about the costs of that (and anything that doesn't involve war and torture) and lenders are naturally opposed to this (and any other) crazy new idea which threatens to end a historically lucrative business of fleecing poor, struggling students so fat cat bankers can feast on fresh lobster tails and Dom Perignon for breakfast.

If everyone can afford to go to college, who the hell is gonna catch all those delectable creatures of the sea for them?

Not like Barry cares or anything, since arugula-eating elitists don't do the whole "ocean thing."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Texas Threatens To Secede; America Offers To Help Pack Bags

Okay, so Texas is all giddy-upped over the idea of succeeding from this godless wasteland, and the rest of America couldn't be more thrilled!

Sure, we'll miss the alarmingly high rates of illiteracy, poverty, violent crime, and fashion victims, not to mention, being the undisputed world leader in executions, but somehow we will find the will to carry on.

If there is one thing us Commies in Obamerica understand it's that sometimes the whole isn't greater than its parts. Such a strong, independent entity like Texas can't be expected to conform to silly things like the Constitution, Democracy, or the rule of law. That's for the other 49 pussy states to deal with.

In the meantime, Texas, godspeed! We wish you the best of luck. And don't worry about us, we'll just have to get our fix for Tex-Mex and douchebag politicians elsewhere.

New Mexico, Oklahoma, we're looking at you.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

How McCain's VP Choice Went From Cranky Jew To Crazy Shrew

Remember when John McCain went nuts-o and decided to select that Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin as his running mate even though her only qualifications were having female reproductive organs, a pretty face, and some of the god damn funniest lipstick jokes the world has ever heard.

If it seemed suspicious, that's because McCain never wanted to pick that hussy in the first place. He really wanted droopy fellow senior citizen Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.), but certain state's so-called "sore loser" laws (like crazy West Virginia), would have prevented a Republican ticket that included a sniveling, no-good, backstabbing, party-switching rat like Joe "Democrat" Lieberman on its ballot. So, it was sayonara to ol' Joe.

From there, the vetting process intensified with the remaining top candidates asked "stumper" questions like whether they were ready to use nuclear weapons and whether they would take a shot at Osama bin Laden even if it meant the death of civilians.

While other candidates like former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney and Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty failed to dazzle McCain or his vetting team with their thoughtful, coherent, even-handed (boring!) answers, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin “hit them out of the park.”

Although no one would reveal exactly what pearls of wisdom Miss Palin imparted, we can only assume Sarah Barricuda didn't blink when explaining why her aerial hunting skills may just be the solution needed to take that old raghead out once and for all--if the nukes failed to do it first, that is!

Sure, the McCain team had their doubts about Sarah's ability to serve as president, with chief VP vetter A.B. Culvahouse conceding that, “I don’t think she would have been ready on Jan. 20, but few people would.” So what sealed the deal for the feisty Alaskan ice queen?

According to Culvahouse, at the end of the interview, he informed McCain that Palin would be a "high risk, high reward" pick for the job. McCain’s response?

"You shouldn’t have told me that. I’ve been a risk-taker all my life."

Damn straight! How else would he have been able to leave his now-crippled first wife while she recovered from a freak automobile accident for a younger, hotter, blonder beer heiress with bigger breasts and a hell of a lot more money!?

Battle Of The Bulge: Are Fatties To Blame For Global Warming?

Hey fatties, guess what?? It's YOUR fault the earth is getting hotter, rain forests are disappearing, icecaps are melting, and all the polar bears are dying.

That's right. Thanks to a recent scientific study, we now know that a person's heart isn't the only thing to suffer from stuffing your face with endless wheelbarrow sized portions of Culver's world-famous butter burgers and custard shakes. Mother Earth weeps too.

That's because each overweight person, hereby referred to by its scientific name, "fatty," emits a ton more of climate-warming carbon dioxide per year than their average weight counterparts, or as they're more commonly known, "skinny." That means an extra billion tons of CO2 is created every year!

It doesn't take a scientist (well, apparently it does) to deduce that the more food you shovel down your throat, the more food needs to be produced, and thus the more CO2 gas emissions that are released into the atmosphere.

Not only is “moving about in a heavy body like driving in a gas guzzler,” but "fatties" are also more likely to travel by car--another major environmental no-no--because well, "it is much easier to get in your car and pick up a pint of milk than to take a walk.”

That's true. It is also much easier to go to the local supermarket than to milk the cow yourself, but hey if you don't mind murdering the planet, that's your prerogative.

Speaking of raping and pillaging the land, Congress is facing its own battle of the bulge this year, and we don't mean the federal deficit.

Between Wall Street woes, a recession and intense legislative fights over whose hand Barry might shake today, members of Congress say they’re facing one of the most stressful, pressure-filled sessions in recent memory--and have the bulging waistlines to prove it.

Endless lunchtime meetings, jam-packed schedules, heavy travel, late-night hours, and the sinfully orgasmic pies in the Senate cafeteria have many lawmakers tipping the scales and polluting our beautiful blue planet with their plump, pork-filled toxins.

Like we needed any more proof that Congress is hazardous to our health.

I'll Give It To You Frank: Put Down The Fork, Barney!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Judge Rules Against Sending Forgotten Hairball Rod Blagojevich To Costa Rican Jungle

In a slap in the face to decent Americans across the country, a federal judge in Chicago denied forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich's insane request to travel to Costa Rica to participate in a reality TV show called "I'm a Celebrity ... Get me Out of Here!"

Calling it a "bad idea" to modify Blagojevich's bail terms to allow the puffy-haired, federally-indicted former crime boss governor to travel outside the U.S., federal Judge James Zagel effectively dashed the public's hopes of getting rid of the bumbling moron for at least a few precious weeks in June.

While Judge Zagel sympathized with Blago's financial woes, he said there were "other ways for the ousted Gov. to earn money," other than putting insects, worms and rats in his pants, sitting in a tank of leeches and wading through snake and eel-filled swamps in the Costa Rican jungles for the chance to earn $123,250, if voters can stand looking at Mr. Lego head for the full 12-episodes.

Before this morning's hearing, Rod Gandhi Blagojevich told reporters he wanted to participate in the reality show as "a way to earn a living and support my children."

"It's not my first choice, but it's a living," he said.

I mean what the bleeping hell does a guy gotta do to earn a little friggin' dough around here, anyway?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Meet Meghan McCain: The Republican Party's New Miss Thang!

The Fresh New Face Of The GOP

Okay, so John McCain's presidential bid didn't turn out exactly as he would've liked, but at least some good came out of spending endless amounts of time and money on a losing effort to convince the public he's NOT in fact George W. Bush.

Like his quirky blond daughter becoming the new gay icon for closeted, self-hating conservatives across the land.

As the face for secret bleeding heart liberals trapped in Republican trust fund bondage, Meghan McCain used her new-found street cred to address a crowd of Log Cabin Republicans (conservative queers) over the weekend.

There, she told the group of out and proud (sort of) party loyalists that "old school Republicans" were "scared sh*tless" of the changing landscape. Language, Meggy, language!

The Senator's daughter, who is quickly becoming a rising star in the Republican party and a Liza Minnelli-like hero among Log Cabin sorts who put party loyalty ahead of their own sexual freedom and personal rights, took repeated shots at the GOP for their antiquated beliefs and out-of-touch policies. In other words, for not being more like Democrats.

"There are those who think we can win the White House and Congress back by being 'more' conservative. Worse, there are those who think we can win by changing nothing at all about what our party has become...I think we're seeing a war brewing in the Republican Party. But it is not between us and Democrats. It is not between us and liberals. It is between the future and the past."

Uh-Oh, easy there Meghan. Let's not forget you are a McCain, and with the title, comes certain responsibilities, like never questioning anything, staying trim, blonde, and perky, and being socially moderate your entire life until abandoning all beliefs/integrity when trying to run for public office.

But, as the daughter of the original maverick, Meghan is not known to play by anyone's rules but her own. Which is why her wake-up call to Republicans didn't end there.

"Simply embracing technology isn't going to fix our problem. Republicans using Twitter and Facebook isn't going to miraculously make people think we're cool again. Breaking free from obsolete positions and providing real solutions that don't divide our nation further will. That's why some in our party are scared. They sense the world around them is changing and they are unable to take the risk to jump free of what's keeping our party down."

Aw, come on Meg, Rush isn't that heavy!

Besides, tweeting your deepest (freedom-loving) thoughts about what you had for dinner last night and why gays and liberals are ruining America in under 140 characters is a sure-fire way to bring Republicans' victory next election. Everyone knows the kids go ga-ga for technology. Even Michael Steele could tell you that.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Obama's Salsa Dance With The Devil Down Under

President Barack Obama arrived on the two-island nation of Trinidad and Tobago for the 5th Summit of the Americas on Saturday, where he hobnobbed with Latin leaders and even exchanged handshakes and pats on the back with hearty Venezuelan president and perpetual thorn-in-the side Hugo Chavez.

It was quite a departure from the previous administration's interactions with the leftist Venezuelan leader which usually resulted in Chavez likening George W. Bush to the devil followed by the immediate expulsion of all US ambassadors from both his country and his comrade Evo Morales' Bolivia (just) for good measure.

This time around it was all smiles and hugs for the two leaders, with Chavez even bearing gifts for his new presidential friend Barry--including an entire book dedicated to the rape and pillage of Latin America by the U.S. and Europe. Yay!

Although Obama did not say whether he would read the book or not, unlike the loser media, he did not consider the exchange to be a earth-shattering moment in history.

But he did call the weekend 34-nation Summit of the Americas a success, despite criticism from Republicans who blasted Obama for "irresponsibly laughing and joking" with "one of the most brutal, anti-American leaders in the entire world."

"The whole notion was that somehow if we showed courtesy or opened up dialogue with governments that had previously been hostile to us, that that somehow would be a sign of weakness," Obama said. "The American people didn't buy it. And there's a good reason the American people didn't buy it, it doesn't make sense."

His new best friend Hugo agreed as well. "I think it was a good moment. I think President Obama is an intelligent man, compared to the previous U.S. president."

He even reads good too!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Fox Doesn't Just Cover The News, They Sponsor It Too!

Fox News continued proving its journalistic excellence with its trademark "fair and balanced" coverage of the wild tea party movement that's sweeping through the nation. Or at least through the Fox News room.

There, everyone's favorite trustworthy Fox News anchors, like Glenn Beck, Neil Cavuto, Greta Van Susteren, and Sean Hannity helped giddily celebrate "FNC's Tax Day Tea Parties" with the rest of the greatest, free-est, most awesomest country in the world, the U.S. of A!

Now, not only do our news networks report on what's going on; they actively participate in it! But it's not like they promote it or anything.

Sure, nobody’s covering the tea parties quite like Fox--whose hysterical, 'round-the-clock, borderline-obsessive coverage has prompted critics to accuse the network of blurring the line between journalism and advocacy. Critics like every other mainstream media outlet in America that doesn't have its anchors shrieking “It’s tea party time, from sea to shining sea” while donning colonial garb to trace the history of the tea party movement and urge voters to send teabags to Washington.

Some like Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill.) even went public (gasp!) with their disgust, blasting the tea parties as a "shameful political stunt."

"Made to look like a grassroots uprising, this is an Obama bashing party promoted by corporate interests, as well as Republican lobbyists and politicians."

Sorry, Jan. But what would you do if you were desperate for ratings and forced to appeal to an increasingly fringe audience of cuckoos?

At least Fox is being 'fair and balanced'--in their unwavering support of both the tea baggers and their (newly fattened) bottom line ($$)!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Gasp! The Lone Star State Threatens To Go It Alone...

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is so fired up from Wednesday's tea party protests that he just might take his Lone Star state and secede from the god damn U.S. of A now that it's been overrun by a bunch of big-spendin' Commies!
"Texas is a unique place. When we came into the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that...We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, who knows what may come of that."
That's right America! Keep it up and you just might find yourselves without George W. Bush, tea party protesters who dress up as Jesus, patriotic taxpayers fed up with being "the Jews for Obama's ovens," and other assorted delights from the Republic of Texas, no longer suffering from the brutal, illegal occupation by the tyrannical United States.

All Class These People

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Disgruntled Conservatives Use Poor, Misguided Masses To Protest Taxes And Black Presidents

The Taxman Cometh

Republicans are in a pickle. On the one hand, they don't want to seem like some Obama-loving liberal too pussy to attend one of the hundreds of anti-tax "tea parties" taking place across the country, but on the other, they don't necessarily want to be associated with some fringe movement by a bunch of right-wing nut jobs.

Of course this isn't a problem for national embarrassments like 2012 presidential hopefuls South Carolina governor and welfare queen Mark Sanford and Louisiana governor Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, whose places in the political douchebag hall of fame were secured long before they started teabagging.

For those Republicans with an actual brain, like former presidential contender Mitt Romney, the decision to stay away from these tea-themed KKK rallies was not a difficult one, even if it means incurring the wrath of chubby freedom-lovers like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, whose fearless efforts helped make these tax-day protests such a stunning success.

Luckily, the brilliant folks over at FreedomWorks, the conservative group that organized the tea parties, anticipated some godless liberals and other media elites might try to ruin their noble march against Obama and the Democrats.

Which is why they sent out a flyer containing important tips on how to avoid being embarrassed by citizen journalists and other progressive menaces who might crash the tea parties and "ask leading questions about immigration, President Obama, etc., to bait you into making comments they can paint as racist and show that you're uneducated and ignorant."

The memo also warns would be-victims that "teabagging" has strong sexual connotations and instructs protesters to be wary of anyone with a camera asking you if you are a "teabagger" or if you enjoy "teabagging." They are trying to make a fool of you!

Which should be very difficult to do with a bunch of insane, doomsday wackos running around dressed like Benjamin Franklin, carrying Obama=Hitler signs and chucking teabags at the White House.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Minnesota Finally Has A Senator...Almost

Al Franken wins! Sort of.

Five months after the rest of the country's 50 states managed to get their act together and elect someone, anyone to represent them in Congress, the great state of Minnesota remains torn between homosexual self-help guru Stuart Smalley and reformed, grass-smoking flower child turned three-piece suit.

Luckily for them, a Minnesota court has finally decided to put the election to rest, ruling that Democrat Al Franken effectively defeated Republican Norm Coleman and should be allowed to take his rightful seat in the U.S. Senate.

Not so lucky for the rest of us, the sore losers good sports in the Coleman camp immediately vowed to appeal
to the Minnesota Supreme Court "so that no voter is left behind" and the circus that is Minnesota's senate race can continue onward. Yeah!!

So what if the race has already dragged through a statewide recount and lengthy trial that ended Monday when the three-judge panel unanimously rejected Coleman's lawsuit challenging Democrat Al Franken's 312-vote lead. Or that Coleman's chance of winning is slimmer than Ann Coulter after a two-week crack binge.

"This isn't about me. And it shouldn't even be about Al Franken," Coleman said. "It is about the rights of Minnesotans to have votes counted so that when all is said and done whoever is elected can have the confidence of the people that they got the most legally cast votes."

Well said Senator, err make that Mister Coleman, well said.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Comrade Barry's Havana Affair

Viva La Revolucion!

Comrade Barry moved America a step closer to apocalyptic doom on Monday, announcing his decision to ease travel and money restrictions for Cuban-Americans hoping to reach out to family members and loved ones still stuck on the evil communist plantation island.

The Obama administration's dangerous, new Havana love affair permits U.S. telecommunications networks to link the U.S. and Cuba, and expands the number of humanitarian items that can be sent to the island (such as clothes, personal hygiene items, and other personal necessities like seeds and fishing gear). Sending money to Fidel, Raul and other high-ranking commie Castros, however, will remain prohibited under Obama's new policy

According to one senior White House official, President Obama's latest gutting of precious Bush administration policies to make America safe will allow both unlimited visits to family members in Cuba as well as unlimited remittances (cash immigrants send back home), because "as hard as we search, we can't find anyone who thinks the limitations Bush put on family travel and family remittances in 2004 were a good idea."

Um, since when was "good idea" a precondition for policy-making in this country? Oh right, Jan. 20th. Oops, my bad!

It's All About The "Bo!"

Woooohooo!!! America is very excited. And not because some bad-ass Navy Seals snipers took out three pirates with exactly three bullet shots to the head in a daring rescue of hostage U.S. Captain Richard Phillips after a five-day standoff. Snooze.

But because the first family finally welcomed their first pet, a 6-month-old Portuguese water dog--and boy is he cuuuuute!

The Obama girls have decided to name the new dog Bo because their cousins have a cat named Bo and because first lady Michelle Obama's father was nicknamed Diddley. So, instead of being stuck with some god-awful name Michelle can't stand like "Frank" or "Moose," the first pup will be called "Bo" Diddley, after the original R&B rock 'n roller. Clever girls, Sasha and Malia!

The black and white pup was given to the Obama girls as a gift from Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass., who owns several Portuguese water dogs himself and knows the joy these beautiful four-legged creatures bring to distinguished families of wealth and taste.

However, because Bo came from a Kennedy and not from a shelter as promised, the Obamas will make a donation to the D.C. Humane Society.

Oh yeah, like that makes up for LYING to the American people.

Bo Diddley Obama, At Your Service

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Lady Killer Silvio Berlusconi Charms Italy's Female Law Enforcers

Ladies and gentleman, it's Silvio Berlusconi, Prime Minister and third richest man in Italy!

He's apparently also quite the joker (which explains why Bush and him were such fast friends). It also explains why the hell the second longest-serving PM in Italian history's logical reaction to seeing a policewoman minding her own business writing parking tickets is mount her from behind and pretend to hump the poor woman.

Oh Silvio, Silvio! Didn't George teach you anything? Back rubs, shoulder massages--ladies love 'em. Getting rammed from behind, eh not so much.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Pirates Don't Just Copy Music Anymore

Arrrrrr, Ahoy Matie!

Suddenly pirates mean something other than an incoherent J
ohnny Depp in drag or some tech geek burning DVD's in his mother's basement.

The modern-day, ocean-faring enemies of freedom don't need eye-patches and peg legs to terrorize the high seas searching for cargo ships to hijack and people to ransom. They just need a lawless zone of chaos from which to operate (Somalia), a starving population in a forgotten part of the world (Horn of Africa) desperately awaiting the arrival of food aid, a couple of motor boats and an assortment of AK-47's and other automatic weapons illegally smuggled in from the United States.

Then Capt. Richard Phillips is all yours. For the bargain basement rate of $2 million. But you better hurry, cause this Gulf of Aden hostage clearance special is for a limited time only.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Why This Night Is Different From All Other Nights

Barack Obama will make history on Thursday night not only as the first U.S. President to ever host and attend a Passover Seder at the White House, but as the first secret Muslim terrorist to celebrate the Jews' escape from pyramid-building enslavement in Egypt.

While presidential proclamations in honor of Passover have been common throughout past administrations, this year's Seder is believed to be the first of its kind.

Sure, passover meals were held in the Clinton and Bush White Houses for staff and aides, but neither president actually participated. Bill was busy having a "private" lesson on Judaism with his personal tutor Monica Lewinsky in the Lincoln Bedroom and well, Dubya doesn't care much for Jew crackers with weird "M" names he can't pronounce.

The White House was mum on details of the Seder, except to say that it will be "a small, private event very similar to - and mark the anniversary of - the Seder Obama held last year while he was still battling Hillary Clinton in the Pennsylvania primaries."

The guest list includes the president, First Lady Michelle and their daughters, Sasha and Malia, as well as a dozen staff members and friends, most of whom joined Obama's impromptu Seder last year when the first night of Passover fell during a campaign stop in Harrisburg, PA.

After all, that celebration did turn out to be prophetic. In addition to the traditional closing line, "next year in Jerusalem," last year's participants jokingly added the line "next year in the White House!"

This time it will probably be "next year in economic prosperity" if I know Barack Baruch.

Not Quite What He Meant By "Green" Ways To Grow The Economy

Grass And Clay Racism

America's attempt to turn dear leader Barack Obama's likeness into a one-man economic rescue squad hit a snag when the esteemed makers of the Obama Chia Pet were forced to pull their brilliant new product off the shelves amid complaints of what else than some good, old-fashioned racism.

The $19.99 Chia Obama comes in two delightful versions--a "determined" Obama and a "happy" Obama--that hilariously sprout foliage from their heads making it look like the president has wacky green hair! HA HA, what a hoot!

But some people just don't see the humor in something as evil and racist as a Barack Obama-themed pottery plant kit. Luckily, drugstore chain Walgreens has decided to do the responsible thing and yank the remaining 200,000 items from its stores so they can sit in a Chicago warehouse gathering dust instead of flying off the shelves offending everyone.

Oompa Loompas have feelings too, you know.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Joe Sixpack's Got Nothing On Ireland's Own Barack O'Bama!

Bottoms Up!

After eight long years of cracking open alcohol-free O'Doul's in George W. Bush's born-again White House, America finally has a proper beer drinker in the Oval Office.

This makes
National Beer Wholesalers Association President Craig Purser a very happy man. When your job is to lobby Congress on behalf of America's beer distributors, it helps to have one of your biggest fans be the leader of the free world.

"We're definitely pleased to see him enjoying a cold one. It's great to have someone who understands and enjoys the product."

But not so much that they are forced to give up the drink and forever replace their favorite frosty bev with the undying love and grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In 1986. After a few "minor" incidents involving a car, several policeman, two arrests, a disorderly conduct charge, and one DUI.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Nation Panics As Gay Marriage Outbreak Spreads To Vermont

Oh no! America's descent into moral decay deepened on Tuesday, when Vermont became the fourth state to switch to the dark side and grant gays and lesbians the right to marry.

Nine years after Vermont started the crazy "let's give rights to gays" trend with the nation's first civil unions law, the state legislature voted to override Republican (duh!) Gov. Jim Douglas' veto, making Vermont the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage, after Massachusetts, Connecticut, and of course the great gay Mecca Iowa.

Should have seen it coming from the birthplace of ice-cream's original queer power couple Ben & Jerry.

Obama Refuses To Pretend War Is Playful Romp Through Candyland

Guess what America? For the first time in almost two decades, you've earned the right to witness news coverage of returning U.S. soldiers killed in the line of duty. Ignorance is bliss no more, my friends. Not in Obama's (White) House!

The administration's policy reversal marks the end of an 18-year ban on press coverage of the U.S. war dead, enacted by George H.W. Bush in 1991 as a way to "shield grieving families" during the Persian Gulf War. It was NOT to "hide the human cost of war" as some of those hippy-dippy critic types would like you to believe.

Unfortunately for Bush Sr., blanket restrictions make President Obama very uncomfortable either way, so the new policy will instead let families of fallen U.S. servicemen decide whether to allow photographs and press coverage of the casket's ceremonial arrival at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware (think of it like Ellis Island for slain U.S. soldiers).

For those who always thought war meant an all-expense paid exotic island getaway and spa retreat, Obama offered his deepest regrets.

Monday, April 6, 2009

April Showers Bring May Flowers...And Mass Murder Sprees

There Will Be Blood

Between the country's economic crisis and election of terrorist-socialist Barack Obama as president, America seems to be a little on edge lately.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it has to do with the weekend bloodbaths. Another day, another half-dozen gruesome murders or murder-suicides by some raging lunatic pissed off about something or another.

First, there was the Binghamton, New York massacre where a disgruntled Vietnamese immigrant sick of being a divorced, unemployed loser with limited English skills, opened fire on a class full of immigrants who managed not to flunk out, killing 14 people including himself.

Then, there was the the lovely young man in Pittsburgh who was so upset about President Obama taking away his guns and freedom that he decided to welcome the three police officers responding to his domestic disturbance call by ambushing them with an AK-47 before a four-hour standoff with cops that ended with two more shot cops and one bullet-ridden psychopath in custody. Hooray!

We round out the weekend's festivities in Washington state, where a monster masquerading as a human being murdered his five children (ages 16-7) before disposing of his own pathetic self with a gun shot to the head. That'll show the wifey and her new boy toy a thing or two.

Add these to last week's nursing home rampage in North Carolina, mass murders and family slaughters in California, Ohio, and Alabama, and the Oakland murder of four police officers in a single day, and voila! it's Springtime in America.

Nothing like the smell of fresh rose petals and still-hot bullet casings in the morning!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Great Gay Invasion Moves Into America's Heartland

The pink, homo-loving commies on Iowa's Supreme Court struck down the state's same-sex marriage ban as unconstitutional on Friday, moving the Hawkeye State one step closer to becoming California before it was taken over by the great Mormon-led Prop 8 invasion.

With one strike of the gavel, the activist judges on Iowa's highest court unanimously ruled that the state’s same-sex marriage ban violates the constitutional rights of gays and lesbians, making Iowa the third state, along with Massachusetts and Connecticut, to threaten the moral fiber of America by legalizing gay marriage.

But some like U.S. Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) are not about to let the American heartland be overrun by some rainbow parade of marriage-crazed queers.

Which is why he is urging the Iowa Legislature to avoid this catastrophe by passing a Marriage Amendment preserving the union of one man and one woman, or at the very least, issue marriage license residency requirements so that Iowa "does not become the gay marriage Mecca due to the Supreme Court’s latest experiment in social engineering."

The last thing the great state of Iowa needs is thousands of sinful gay couples streaming in to exchange vows and pump millions into the state's budget. Millions in gay money that is.

Blue-Eyed Hetero Warrior Rep. Steve King

Friday, April 3, 2009

Illinois' Two-Front War Against Slimy Politicians, Sucky Quarterbacks

The state of Illinois is working hard to clean up its reputation as a teeming cesspool of corrupt politicians and dumpy quarterbacks with one-syllable names starting with the letter R.

On the same day that insane, Lego-haired
former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was handed a 19-count indictment on charges he engaged in a "wide-ranging scheme to deprive the people of Illinois of honest government," the Chicago Bears announced their acquisition of Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler amid charges they engaged in a wide-ranging scheme to deprive the people of Illinois of a winning football team.

Unfortunately, Mr. Hot Rod Blagojevich was not in town to hear the news of either the Bears' blockbuster trade or his imminent incarceration for all the bleeping golden things he did while running the governor's office like some cheap Al Capone knockoff with Helen Keller as a hair stylist.

He is with his lovely wife Patti and two daughters on a much-needed vacation to Walt Disney World. Sure, the kids love it. But for some reason, Rod's always felt right at home in the Magic Kingdom. There's just something about Mickey and Minny that he can really relate to.

Hey, Who You Callin' A Rat?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

All The World's His Stage

London, Baby!

The Obamas arrived in London presumably to attend Thursday's G20 economic summit of world leaders, but everyone knows the real reason is so President Obama can make up for humiliating British Prime Minister Gordon Brown after his little gift-giving faux pas last month.

You'll have to excuse him--former community organizers aren't accustomed to such hoity-toity traditions. But rest assured, Obama now understands a box-set of DVDs is never an acceptable gift for visiting dignitaries, and a DVD box set given in the wrong format is akin to dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima.

So, while some 4,000 anarchists, anti-capitalists, environmentalists and other assorted pink-haired hell-raisers jammed into London's financial district to protest Thursday's evil G20 global economic summit, the real story was going down in Buckingham Palace.

There, President Obama and first lady Michelle charmed the royal family, including her majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, with exotic stories of their their humble, non-blue-blooded origins on the other side of the pond.

Determined not to repeat his earlier gift-gaffe and insult the entire English people, President Obama then presented the Queen with a gift sure to please even the most discriminating citizen of the United Kingdom.

A rare book of songs signed by "The King and I" composer Richard Rodgers (one of her all-time faves!), and an iPod loaded with video footage and photographs of the Queen's 2007 trip to the United States, as well as some of her Royal Highness' favorite easy listening music and show tune classics.

It was such a hit that even Barack was forced to admit Michelle might have been right about taking off Lil Wayne and Old Dirty Bastard after all.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Coincidence? I Think Not

Surprise, surprise. Turns out that under GM CEO Rick Wagoner, who Obama finally told to scram after thirty god-awful years ruining America's largest automaker, the GOP was busy raking in the big bucks. Ca-ching!

Wagoner, who joined GM in 1977, has had a senior role in GM management since 1992, before becoming CEO of the company in 2000. It is Wagoner's brilliant leadership and vision during this golden, eight-year reign that helped steer GM away from the lame-o hybrids and fuel efficient cars nobody wants to instead focus on more practical, everyday vehicles like Hummers, perfect for carpooling the kids to soccer practice or taking out terrorist sleeper cells in Iraq!

But it's not just GM execs who profited from Wagoner's impressively inept tenure at the helm of General Motors. Republicans did quite well themselves.

From the time Wagoner took over as CEO in 2000, through the end of last year, GM and its Political Action Committee (PAC) contributed almost $2 million to Republican candidates and organizations, compared to just $815,000 to Democratic ones.

Well cry me a river. Maybe instead of complaining for once, the Dems should try asking their best friends over in the autoworkers union to help make up the difference.

Oh, wait...What's the country code for calling China again?

RIP: 1908-2009