Monday, August 31, 2009

What's A Gang With No Members?

Sens. Grassley And Enzi At Your Service!

Anger bear Sen. Mike Enzi of Wyoming, the second ranking Republican involved in bipartisan health care negotiations, wants to reform health care in much the same way that his superior Sen. Charles Grassley does: by promptly massacring any health care reform bill that comes his way.

This is not good for the Gang of Six, people! It's so bad in fact that even resident White House blabbermouth Robert Gibbs admitted the once-powerful Gang of Six might be the wimpy Gang of Five, now that Enzi has decided to throw his massive body in the way of health care progress of any kind.

"In Senator Enzi's case, he doesn't believe there's a pathway to get bipartisan support and the President thinks that's wrong," Gibbs said. "I think Senator Enzi's clearly turned over his cards on bipartisanship and decided that it's time to walk away from the table."

But what about those "good-faith" negotiations that lead Republican Twitter Bug Sen. Charles "Chuck" Grassley has been working so hard to fit into his 140-character limit?

As ranking member of the Finance Committee and the Republican go-to guy on health care negotiations, surely Grassley cares about developing a solid, workable, bipartisan compromise on health-care reform more than his own 2010 re-election chances, right?

Without a doubt. You can see just how passionate his commitment to helping solve the country's pressing health care crisis is by reading one of his recent fundraising letters, dated August 10:

I had to rush you this Air-Gram today to set the record straight on my firm and unwavering opposition to government-run health care.

And ask your immediate support in helping me defeat "Obama-care."

I’m sure you’ve been following this issue closely. If the legislation sponsored by Speaker Nancy Pelosi in the House of Representatives and Chairman Ted Kennedy in the Senate is passed it would be a pathway to a government takeover of the health care svstem. lt would turn over control of your health care decisions to a federal bureaucrat … and take it away from you and your personal physician.

It would mean government rationing in the name of cost controls.

The simple truth is that I am and always have been opposed to the Obama administration’s plan to nationalize health care.
Thank goodness he was able to squeeze in those underlines before the Air-Gram patrol came for pick-up! Otherwise, how would we ever know which parts were important enough to read?

But doesn't it at least make you feel good to know how hard he's trying?

Will Sarah Palin Quit On Asia Too?

Guess who's going to Asia? That's right! America's cuddly ice bunny from the Snowy North is heading to the Far East--to Hong Kong (of all places)--to serve the people!

Luckily, Sarah got her passport just in time to make the journey to the magical continent of Asia where she will say smart and funny things to investors of the brokerage firm CLSA Asia-Pacific Markets, much like Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and Alan Greenspan before her.

“Our keynote speakers are notable luminaries who often address topics that go beyond traditional finance such as geopolitics,” company spokeswoman Simone Wheeler said in a statement.

She said the conference aimed to present investors "a diversity of views that potentially influence decision-makers who help shape the markets."

“We just felt it would be a fabulous opportunity for CLSA clients to hear from Mrs. Palin,” Wheeler said, adding that CLSA approached Palin with the offer.

Oooh, this is so exciting! Sarah's first commercial speaking engagement and her first trip to magic Asian land--all rolled into one! But since it's tacky to discuss money, her speaking fees were not publicly disclosed. Betcha its a lot though!

The forum will also be closed to the media, and no word on the topic yet. (Please be Twitter, please be Twitter!).

September 23rd is the big day, which means Palin's loyal spokesperson and chronic bearer of bad news Meg Stapleton has approximately until September 23rd (ish) to cancel. And pretend it never existed in the first place. The forum, not Asia, that is.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Robert McDonnell Loves Jesus (Except When He Has An Election To Win)

Once upon a time there was a man named Robert F. "Bob" McDonnell who had hopes and dreams of leaving behind that boring state Attorney General job for a nice cushy gig as the shining new Republican governor of Virginia come this November's elections.

All he has to do is once again take care of that Democratic-thorn-in-his-side Creigh Deeds just like he did in the 2005 Attorney General race when he won by a whopping 323 votes. Talk about landslides!

But then the unexpected happened. One of those liberal, elitist, hoity-toity newspapers like the Washington Post started poking its nose around Mr. McDonnell and lo and behold dug up a few skeletons from the nice, God-fearing man's closet.

This pile o' bones coming in the form of a 93-page master's thesis written by a one Robert McDonnell when he was a wee 34-year-old evangelical grad student at Regent University, formerly named CBN University in honor of its founder Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network.

"The 93-page document, which is publicly available at the Regent University library, culminates with a 15-point action plan that McDonnell said the Republican Party should follow to protect American families -- a vision that he started to put into action soon after he was elected to the Virginia House of Delegates."

Oooh, visions are always fun! Especially when they involve such enlightened ideas as working women and feminists (lesbos?) being "detrimental" to the family, why government policy should favor married couples over "cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators," and how a 1972 Supreme Court decision legalizing the use of contraception by unmarried couples is "illogical."

Sure, during his 14 years in the Virginia General Assembly, McDonnell pursued at least 10 of the policy goals he described in that research paper, like abortion restrictions, covenant marriage (which is like a normal marriage, 'cept for crazy evangelicals), redefining child abuse to "exclude parental spanking," criticizing federal tax credits for child care expenditures because they encouraged women to enter the workforce, even voting against a resolution in support of ending wage discrimination between men and women in 2001. He's just that kind of guy! Oh, and don't even get him started on the plague of homosinuality...

Which is why it's interesting to note that in his current run for governor, the now 55-year old Christian crusader and governor hopeful McDonnell makes convenient little mention of his youthful conservative manifesto from his wild days affirming Jesus Christ as his savior at Regent.

"Virginians will judge me on my 18-year record as a legislator and Attorney General and the specific plans I have laid out for our future -- not on a decades-old academic paper I wrote as a student during the Reagan era and haven't thought about in years."

McDonnell added: "Like everybody, my views on many issues have changed as I have gotten older." What he wrote in the thesis "was simply an academic exercise and clearly does not reflect my views."

Clearly. Just like the legislation he co-sponsored opposing abortion in cases of rape or incest doesn't mean he's a dick. Or saying homosexual activity raises questions about a person's qualifications to be a judge or hold other jobs doesn't make him an asshole.

So why is God's favorite gubernatorial candidate "playing down his conservatism" as some like Delegate Robert G. Marshall contend?

"If you duck something, that tells your opponents that you think your position is a liability," said Marshall, who is still backing McDonnell. "Why else wouldn't you acknowledge it?...He doesn't have to bash people in the head with it. But he doesn't have to put it in the closet, either. There's a balance you can take."

Ha ha. Balance?? Not when it's your sins Jesus Christ was nailed to the cross and died for!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Bush The Elder Just Says No To Kennedy's Boring Funeral

George H.W. Bush, the spry 85-year old oil baron father of freedom-fighting cowboy Dubya, may have enough youthful energy to skydive out of plane some 20,000 ft in the sky each year on his birthday, but apparently does not have the stamina to attend Sen. Ted Kennedy's funeral, even though every other living president will be there.

A spokesman for Bush the Elder said the 41st president and his wife Barbara decided not to attend Kennedy's funeral because for some reason the old coot feels his "son's presence will amply and well represent" the family on Saturday. Boo-ya!

However, he did find enough time to release a statement following Kennedy's passing about how he "always respected" that liberal lion Ted.

"While we didn't see eye-to-eye on many political issues through the years, I always respected his steadfast public service," Papa Bush said. "He was a seminal figure in the United States Senate--a leader who answered the call to duty for some 47 years, and whose death closes a remarkable chapter in that body's history."

But that still doesn't mean he's gonna waste his time paying final respects to the guy or anything. Puh-lease! Not when he has his retirement to enjoy. Besides, he sent the next best thing.

Give Junior something to do besides moping around Dallas, cursing about Dick Cheney to anyone who'll listen, which pretty much means Miss Beazley and Barney have been getting an earful!

Friday, August 28, 2009

How The Hell Did Mike Huckabee Not Win Past Iowa?

Former double bacon cheeseburger loving Arkansas governor and messenger of God Mike Huckabee knows a few things about logic and good taste. (Especially the latter, because, trust me, you don't get to be 300 lbs without it).

Which is why it comes as a total shock that he would defy both of them on his radio show, The Huckabee Report, by accusing those awful Democrats of trying to use Kennedy’s death to rally support for the President's terribly socialist health care reform package. The nerve!

"Senator Ted Kennedy’s death had barely hit the news before we started hearing calls that Congress must hurry and pass a health care reform bill and do it in his memory," he said. "That not only defies good taste, it defies logic."

Sure does Huck! We haven't even rolled his old bones into the ground yet and already the Dems are selfishly trying to use the memory of a man whose life work was dedicated to reforming health care as one more reason to actually pass health care reform.

"We certainly can and should respect his years of advocacy and work for things that he truly believed in," he added. "But easily the worst reason to do it is in the name of someone who gave us the most shining example of why this particular bill is so bad."

Wait, what the Huck did he just say?

"[I]t was President Obama himself who suggested that seniors who don't have as long to live might want to consider just taking a pain pill instead of getting an expensive operation to cure them," Huckabee said. "Yet when Sen. Kennedy was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at 77, did he give up on life and go home to take pain pills and die? Of course not. He freely did what most of us would do. He choose an expensive operation and painful follow up treatments."

You hear that people? He did exactly what "most of us" Americans who are as rich as Kennedy would do: paid for the bestest, most expensivest treatment available. That's one of the advantages of being a Kennedy, you have so much money, you don't need to "go home to take pain pills and die" like you would under NObama's plan. You get options.

Using this airtight logic, Huck has come up with a few ideas of his own for solving the whole health care crisis the Dems keep squawking about.

"A better way to honor Ted Kennedy would be if every American has access to the latest private health care as good as what senators receive.”

That's a brilliant idea and will work perfectly too, because what American isn't as rich Ted Kennedy or Mike Huckabee for that matter?

Problem solved. But for those few povs out there (unlike the rest of us Kennedys and Huckabees), there's always the old-fashioned, 1-2-3 punch to cure disease: the All-American alcohol-pills-gunshot-to-the-head combo!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Why Are America's Event Planners All Out To Get Sarah Palin?

Where in the world is Sarah Barracuda Palin? Alaska's sultry superstar has once again mysteriously disappeared right before she was scheduled to speak at one of her very important fundraisers, this one so slutty teenagers who get knocked up have no choice but to have the baby unless they want to get the ol' parental approval for an abortion.

Now normally Sarah's habit of shirking her duties is limited to elected terms in office, but ever since becoming an unemployed publicity whore and Facebook junkie, Palin's erratic behavior has instead metamorphosed into canceling paid speaking engagements at the very last minute while pretending she was never invited in the first place.

But since this is the "fourth time in recent months that an anticipated Palin speech has fallen through after Palin and her camp disputed they had ever confirmed it," loyal Palin spokesperson Meg Stapleton is used to concocting perfectly good explanations for these embarrassing incidents known as the Sarah Palin experience.
This time it's an event by the Alaska Family Council promoting an Alaska ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion without telling their parents. Organizers of the event have been advertising that Palin would give a speech and become the first official signer of the ballot petition tonight at ChangePoint, the Anchorage megachurch.

Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said Wednesday, that "this is the first we have ever heard of a speech." She said Palin is out of state and won't be there, but naturally declined to provide details on where Palin is and what she is doing.

Alaska Family Council President Jim Minnery said it was news to him that Stapleton was saying Palin had no knowledge of the speech, since organizers have been talking to Palin "contacts" for weeks about it.

"All we can do is take people at their word that we've worked with in the past," Minnery said. "We've been working for several weeks on the event, promoting it very heavily. It would be a grave disappointment if she doesn't show up but the show will still go on."
Well, I'll be damned! This is indeed odd--even by crazy Palin's standards. Either literally hundreds of event organizers across the USA have joined forces in a massive conspiracy to fool the unsuspecting public into believing the Ice Queen herself would be gracing their shindigs with her glorious presence, even though it was just a figment of their imaginations. Or she was so busy protecting Trig from Obama's death panels, defending golden-haired messenger of truth Glenn Beck from the liberal media's unfounded, vicious character assassination, and posting on her favoritest Facebook, that everything else completely slipped her mind!

I mean what other explanation could there possibly be? She's on plug-patrol for Grandma?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Cheney To Obama: You Don't Know Dick About National Security

Cheerful cuddlebug Dick Cheney is always down to help clear things up and set the record straight especially when it comes to matters of national security. It's his bread and butter!

It's not easy being the lone voice of reason and truth, but hey, someone's got to do it.

Which is why we've come to depend on ol' Dick to help guide us through these most frightening times when America is being run by a real pussy, pardon his French, and anything can happen!

And that anything does include the Justice Department naming a prosecutor to look (he doesn't care if its just a glimpse) into the "enhanced interrogation techniques" so beloved by the Cheney Bush administration, including it's biggest cheerleader, Dick!

This latest outrageous move by the Obama administration to investigate possible violations by the CIA only proves what Dick's known all along: the administration cannot be entrusted with our nation's security.

Everyone knows the brave men and women who waterboarded suspects and forced them into naked pyramids saved America from certain doom! They should be treated as freedom-loving heroes who helped protect this nation during its darkest hours, not as rogue, power-abusing agents gone wild!

"The people involved deserve our gratitude," Cheney said. "They do not deserve to be the targets of political investigations or prosecutions."

How dare we question the "harsh interrogation techniques" used by our bravest secret agents considering these wholesome tactics that are in no way torture "provided the bulk of intelligence we gained about Al Qaeda" after the Sept. 11 attacks.

"The activities of the CIA in carrying out the policies of the Bush administration were directly responsible for defeating all efforts by Al Qaeda to launch further mass casualty attacks against the United States..."

See? Told you Dick knows what he's doing! Now just imagine where we'd be if Bush and Co., had gotten an even earlier start defending the freest, most awesomest country in the world?

But the important thing is that Cheney's precious, perfectly legal tactics of giving luxurious Evian baths to blindfolded, upside-down suspects (ha ha losers!) and forcing them into hilarious sexual positions involving inserting their holiest book the Koran into various holes, saved us from like a million more 9/11's. At least!

So....Go Cheney?

Liberal Lion Ted Kennedy Roars No More

Oh no! Ted “Edward” Kennedy, longtime liberal lion of the Senate and relative of all the assorted other famous Kennedys, has finally succumbed to a combination of old age and brain cancer.

Which is really sad, though with the whole health care debate raging, it must be said the man could not have picked a more inconvenient time to die.

So now that the question of what to do about Ted Kennedy's vacant senate seat is no longer a rhetorical one, the big question becomes whether the folks in Massachusetts will heed Teddy's last request begging the governor and state lawmakers to change that terrible succession law (calling for a special election FIVE MONTHS after a senate vacancy) to guarantee that the fine citizens of Taxachusettes will not lack a senate seat come vote time.

Well it seems legislators are finally starting to come around and warm up to the idea of scrapping the whole mandatory five-month wait thing because no one wants to be held responsible for singlehandedly killing the chances of a health care reform bill passing and spitting on the last wishes of a dying man.

So while the world mourns the passing of a true American hero and one of the last remaining champions of the downtrodden, mighty liberal God Ted Kennedy, America can be happy knowing his death was not in vain.

Republicans, most of whom have spent the better part of the last two months or so fighting against Comrade Barry's Nazi plot to bring affordable health insurance to all Americans, will no longer be able to fight against the pure socialist evil known as universal health care, now that it will likely be renamed the Teddy Kennedy Memorial Bill.

And what kind of heartless monster could say no to that?

No one unless they hate Ted Kennedy, whose remarkable 50-year service as the "Lion of the Senate" cemented his status as a progressive God, and saw him spearhead such progressive causes as overturning Reagan’s veto of the anti-apartheid sanctions in South Africa, preventing a certifiable lunatic like Robert Bork from sitting on the Supreme Court, and numerous other bills to help the "needy" like children, the disabled, immigrants and those afflicted with the AIDS and cancer. And let's not forget his most important contribution to society: giving the Obama girls a magic dog!

God, we're gonna miss this guy. And to think, all Strom Thurmond ever did was live to 100 and still hate black people!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

No-Drama Obama's Rules To Live By...

For a guy who has to deal with getting called Hitler, a Nazi, a secret Muslim terrorist, an illegal alien from Kenya, and a socialist demonchild on a regular basis, Barack Obama is as cool as they come. If 1,000 insane Birthers shrieking against Barry's evil plot to kill Grandma isn't enough to rattle Barry, is there anything on God's green earth that will?

Yes, my dear friends, oh yes! Turns out even an unflappable man-God like Obama is human after all: he even has a list of pet peeves (gasp!). Ha ha, so much for being perfect. Nice try NObama!

Annoy Obama? Yes We Can! So long as you follow this handy guide on how to piss off a certain cool, collected 44th President with a reputation for being the anti-John McCain (total spazoid!).

Drum roll, please!
  • He's a Dad first and President second, so you best not put something on the calendar that interferes with his First Dad duties or you'll find yourself on the wrong end of one of Barry's signature STFU (Shut The F**K Up) Faces. Not recommended!

  • Remember his nickname, No Drama Obama? Well, you'd be well-served to leave your emotional baggage at the door. This is the White House, not some lame after-school special on Lifetime, capeesh?

  • Okay even Obama can appreciate the fact that no one wants to look at an ugly face all day. But, does he really need the God damn "Shine Police" all up in his grill with their powder and brushes everytime he goes on the telly? Seriously people, get a life, take your frilly blush brushes with you, and leave the poor man alone--wrinkles be damned!

  • Speaking of getting a life, here's a tip for all you photographers and assorted media types out there: Stop with the annoying click-click-clicks every two seconds. Sure, we appreciate the man's rock-hard abs, sexy, chiseled core, and sculpted physique as much as the next person, but I mean how many bare-chested bathing suit shots do you need? Oh, and screw up his golf game one more time with your lurking presence, and let's see how much access you'll have when he tosses your ass into a padded cell in Gitmo. How's that sound?

  • While we're on the topic of hot bods, here's an easy one: Let the dude have his workout. Day, night, it doesn't matter, just find the man a friggin' gym! "If there’s no workout time, he’ll get a little upset." Everyone needs a way to unwind. Clinton did it with blowjobs, Bush preferred bike-riding and bombing people, and all Barry's asking for is a quick game of H-O-R-S-E. Is that really so much to ask? Someone get this man a Spalding!

  • Which brings us to his highness' other sports-related irritation: When "folks try to get him to wear baseball gear for teams other than the White Sox." The nerve! What do you people not understand about the fact that this proud South Sider only rocks the black and white. So take your Cubbie blue and Yankee stripes and go F yourself. Or find someone else to bother, I'm sure Rahm's around here somewhere.

  • Give the brother some breathing room."If you spend too much time telling him where to go, how you get there, and everything in between, it drives him crazy." In other words, he already has one mother (two if you count Mama Robinson), and doesn't need another, thank you very much. "He also doesn’t like too much instruction" or when people regurgitate what he's already read in a briefing book, seeing it "as a waste of time." Sorry, we're not used to presidents who can read more than pop-up picture books. Our bad!
  • Rounding out the Obama no-no list are "people who talk too much at meetings and prevent others from speaking." So, no chatterboxes or speed freaks. Also on his sh*t list are, "people who aren't prepared, who don’t communicate directly or have half-baked ideas, and speechwriters who give him "wishy-washy" language.

So basically, you should be fine. As long as you're not dumb, lazy, annoying, bossy, obnoxious, loud, stupid, intrusive, a Cubs fan, a cosmetologist or in other words, your average American, there's nothing to worry about. He's very easy to get along with!

The Spy Who Knew Too Little: The Rise (And Fall?) Of Leon Panetta

Oh no, is there trouble in Barryland? Perhaps, if you consider the Obama administration's decision to begin a criminal probe of alleged CIA abuses during the Bush administration, minutes after the release of a newly declassified CIA document describing how interrogators threatened to do all kinds of crazy things to detainees, like kill the children of one Sept. 11 suspect and rape the mother of another. You know, typical spy stuff.

But not everyone is happy with these so-called constitutional freedoms that allow the nosy public to view the 2004 CIA inspector general report on all the death it caused, minus the 20 or so pages blacked out for security reasons, not to cover-up illegal activities or heaven forbid torture or anything like that.

CIA director Leon Panetta for one thing is NOT AT ALL pleased with Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Attorney General Eric Holder's decision to appoint a prosecutor to investigate the matter since spies are perfect and would never do anything legally or morally questionable. Ever.

Which explains why Panetta's been getting schooled in the art of temper tantrums from resident expert Rahm Emanuel, so that he can direct his profanity-laced tirades at the whole stupid administration for daring to question the way his spy agency conducts its business of saving America from terrorist attacks and other assorted apocalyptic doom.

Keep this up Barry, and you just might find yourself out of a CIA director. How's that sound? Oh yeah, and then what?

The CIA relies on stability, and the last thing it needs in these uncertain times, is its fifth director since 9/11 storming out the door after an expletive-filled screaming match with White House staff.

Of course, the CIA dismissed the report as "wrong, inaccurate, bogus and false" (wink, wink), Panetta denies any plans to leave his precious CIA, and the only thing the White House would say about the little tirade is that Panetta's known to use "salty language."

Ha ha, yeah, like you're gonna get Leon "Stone-Cold" Panetta to tell you jack sh*t. Even if he knew anything (which, eh, he doesn't), he wouldn't want you people poking around his perfect little spy community, digging (not-so-nice) things up, and exposing his spies.

The gentle and dedicated men and women in the intelligence community willing to go to any lengths (ANY!) all because they love America...and Freedom! And once in a while getting to go medieval on someone's ass. Consequence free, of course!

Monday, August 24, 2009

John McCain In Race Against Obama's Evil Plug-Pulling Death Squads

Poor Gramps McCain. He can't do anything right! Just when he finally understands the whole health care reform debate enough to discuss it publicly without sounding like a walking advertisement for Alzheimer's research who'll likely be dead by the time it passes anyway, that rascal Barack Obama swoops in and snatches away his thunder yet again.

So Johnny finally grows some balls and makes an appearance on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos" to give America an exciting dose of the old straight talk express, health care edition. If there's one thing McCain understands other than whooping Vietcong ass, it is the exorbitant cost of medical care in this country--especially for people who don't have frigid, young, beer heiresses for wives.

Which is why it really is a shame about poor Sen. Ted Kennedy being too sick with brain cancer to participate in negotiations and all, because if he were healthy, John McCain knows health care legislation would cruise through Congress quicker than a war resolution in the wake of 9/11.

"He had a unique way of sitting down with the parties at a table and making the right concessions, which really are the essence of successful negotiations," McCain said. "So it's huge that he's absent, not only because of my personal affection for him, but because I think the health care reform might be in a very different place today."

See, it's all Teddy's fault he got sick and made all the Republicans turn into a bunch of obstructionist assholes who'd rather see the whole nation die of small pox than Barry get his stupid "universal" health plan passed.

But since there's nothing we can do about that, McCain has another brilliant suggestion for a certain President whose name is Barry when it should have been John if he wants to reach congressional agreement on health care: kill the whole "public" option part of the reform plan.

That way, 46 million Americans will still be without health insurance, the current system can continue draining our nation's resources and bankrupting the economy, costs can keep skyrocketing out of control, but at least Obama can be proud of his bipartisan health care legislation reforming not a broken system that hurts hardworking Americans, but the way Congress feels about itself. Because isn't that what's important here?

Well meany Obama has had enough of the GOP's propaganda machine spewing nonsense about government-run death panel brigades to kill Grandma, encouraging armed town hall debates, and equating affordable health coverage for all Americans with the Nazis' policy of exterminating Jews. It's giving him a bad name.

But since he thinks health care is sooooo important, more important even than ensuring sensitive flowers like John McCain and Charles Grassley do not get their feelings hurt, Obama has decided to go it alone.

After "bending over backward" to create a bipartisan bill and "getting almost nothing in return for it", President Obama is ready to "consider alternatives" like ignoring the loser party of obstructionists and instead use his Democratic supermajority to pass health care reform, whether those damn Republicans like it or not.

Someone better warn Gramps McCain his days are numbered.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Will The Red Window Help Elizabeth Edwards Shut The Door On The Nightmare That Is Her Life?

While her whole life goes to hell because of her scumsucking hubby John, his homewrecking whore of an ex-girlfriend Rielle Hunter and the mysterious love child that may or may not be part Edwards, poor old Elizabeth Edwards figured what better way to distract herself from the unrelenting media circus that is her life than by opening a new furniture store, Red Window, in Chapel Hill, North Carolina?

Yes, Mrs. Elizabeth Edwards is no longer just the forgotten wife of a onetime presidential candidate with a swank $400 haircut, but is now also a small business owner proudly offering "North Carolina furnishings at wholesale prices."

Calling the store a family endeavor, Elizabeth said the new business venture is an idea dating back to her childhood when her mother managed a charity store in Japan called The Red Door.

Of course, being a family establishment and all, on hand for the opening was dutiful husband John and their 11-year-old daughter Emma Claire. Sadly, neither Rielle nor the pint-sized culmination of their illicit love affair were there to celebrate the joyous occasion. Maybe the Two-Year Anniversary!

Neither John nor Elizabeth would address the nasty rumors swirling around about baby daddies and blonde former lovers or any of that made-up media nonsense.

"Tabloid news is tabloid news," Elizabeth said. "We just have a family to run and now a business to run as well, so we just keep our eye on that ball and try to ignore what supermarket tabloids have to say."

Good plan Liz! But perhaps hubby John has something to say on his future plans aside from "doing the things I need to do with my family, helping Elizabeth, support what she's doing here."

Yeah buddy, cause anyone's buying that. But he does try to help out where he can.

"I do more moving furniture than anything else," John said. "This is Elizabeth's deal, but everybody in the family is trying to help support her."

In all fairness, he did get plenty of practice helping his former lady friend Rielle Hunter and her fatherless baby move into a house close to the Edwards' waterfront home in Wilmington. That's just the kind of guy he is.

A real southern gentleman that John!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Obama Declares Jihad On America By Wishing Muslims A Happy Ramadan

Oh no Barry, anything but this! Please tell me you did not make a videotape offering "best wishes to Muslims in America and around the world and wishing them 'Ramadan Kareem' on behalf of the American people."

The last thing you're supposed to do as President of America is give people more reason to believe you're in fact a secret Muslim terrorist, which is exactly what saying Muslim-y things like Ramadan Kareem does. As does explaining the significance of Ramadan to non-Muslim viewers or talking about Muslim culture in any way other than calling them a bunch of terrorists.

So basically rather than reassuring the jittery citizens of this great nation that their President is not a secret migrant Kenyan who praises Allah instead of Jesus, fifty million white grandmothers in America are instead opening their forwarded e-mails for the day right now and freaking the f**k out!

Sure Obama makes sure to mention his "own Christian faith" and the common values shared by all people regardless of religion, as if that really matters when the next words out of his mouth are some crazy Arabic phrase meaning "May Allah make your Ramadan observance generous." Has dear leader forgotten his middle name is Hussein and what country he lives in or something?

Obama then rambles on about what he considers issues of importance to the Muslim world (boring!), the universal rights of all people (yawn...), peace and security for Palestinians and Israelis (zzzzz...), building strong partnerships (yada yada) and seeking common ground despite our differences. Blah blah blah.

After what seems like forever, Obama finally concludes his Kumbaya video to the Muslim world by emphasizing his Cairo message of seeking common ground, the importance of listening to one another, and reiterating his "commitment to a new beginning between America and Muslims around the world."

"May God's peace be upon you."

This guy sounds like a total Nazi.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

John Ensign Is Nothing Like Bill Clinton, Except For Cheating On His Wife

One thing we know for certain about John Ensign is that he is not Bill Clinton.

Sure, he was banging his buddy's wife and
former campaign aide Cynthia Hampton for a good six months or so before getting caught (oops!) and begging his megarich, stud parents to bail his philandering ass out by paying the Hampton Family $96,000 in hush money. Or, as the Ensign's like to call it, "generous gifts in the form of eight $12,000 checks to Doug, Cindy and two of their children out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time" and also so the sum wouldn’t have to be declared as taxable income. Neat trick!

But unlike that slimeball Bill Clinton who absolutely deserved to be impeached as President of the United States for his sordid affair, Ensign's sexual indiscretion is totally cool because he "didn’t lie under oath like Clinton did and hasn't done anything legally wrong."

Thus, he is fully justified in voting to throw Clinton's sleazy ass out of office for getting blown in the White House in '98 but refusing to do the same now that it's his charming sexcapades and resignation everyone is talking about!

Sometimes sorry is just not good enough!

"President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people," Ensign said. "You remember that famous day he lied to the American people, plus the fact I thought he suborned perjury. That's why I voted for the articles of impeachment."

Not because he's a lying, two-faced fraud and pathetic hypocrite who had to have Mommy and Daddy save him from the consequences of letting li'l Johnny down there run things instead of the morally crusading, 51-year-old beloved Nevada senator,
who as a former member of the House, crucified Bill Clinton because his impeccable character, pure heart, and honorable conduct qualified him to make such weighty moral judgments about others.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Hey Kids, It's Comedy Hour With Barney And Rush!

Aww, snap! Someone just got served! Big bad Barney Frank doesn't like being interrupted. And he certainly doesn't like having his town hall discussion disrupted so that some seemingly normal looking woman who's actually bat crazy can ask him pressing, substantive health care reform questions like, "Why are you supporting this Nazi policy?" while holding up a tasteful Obama equals Hitler sign.

Which is precisely why Barry very calmly answers this young gal's query by calling her approach, "vile, contemptible nonsense" and responding with his own question, "On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

He then decides not to humor this idiot lady with a legitimate answer because "Trying to have a conversation with you would be like arguing with a dining room table." And being the reasonable person that he is, Barney really doesn't see any point in trying to talk sense into an inanimate object with racist tendencies. Fair enough.

But not everyone thinks this dining room table got a fair shake from old Barney.

Sure, Rush Limbaugh thinks "it's fabulous and fantastic, and hilarious that a woman shows up at a Barney Frank town hall meeting with an Obama-as-Hitler poster and this Nazi stuff, in his district. I mean, this is unreal."

"But the killer for me was, here's Barney Frank saying, 'What planet do you live on?' to this woman. Isn't it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends of his time living around Uranus?" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get it?? No, not because he's Jewish but because he's a GAY (gasp!). LOL! Hilarious.

And to think it only took Rushy three scrapped drafts, 200 revisions, a trough of dark roast coffee, twenty cans of Red Bull, five large pizzas, two double bacon cheeseburgers, 10 cigars, and three bottles of his usual hydrocodone-oxycodone cocktail to come up with it!

Looks like it's SHOWTIME at the Apollo for someone...

Health Care Protesters Once Again Turn Peaceful Town Hall Into Nazi Rally

OMG. This is it! The big kahuna you've been waiting for to prove once and for all the town hall crazies are nothing more than a bunch of psycho, black-and-Jew hating kooks who run around terrorizing peaceful public discussions by basically acting like a bunch of wild-eyed maniacs whenever said peaceful public discussions take place.

Employing their usual guerrilla tactics of shrieking, screaming, and grunting nonsense about how Obama's skin color is ruining America's health care, these true Americans will not lay silent while the U.S. turns into Nazi Germany because anything they don't agree with automatically becomes a twisted offshoot of the third Reich.

At a town hall in Las Vegas an Israeli man is praising Israel's national health care system because it takes care of its soldiers etc etc, when he is rudely interrupted by this insane hell woman who starts shrieking "Heil Hitler!" at him because that's what crazy people do when they really disagree with something they don't remotely understand but still want their face on the teevee.

So this freak lady continues to pound this poor man with "Heil Hitler!" until he finally snaps and angrily exclaims, "Did you hear this? She say to a Jew, 'Heil Hitler'! Hear? I'm a Jew! You're telling me, 'Heil Hitler'? Shame of you!"

And the evil woman proceeds to cackle wildly and mock him for not even knowing how to speak English good and being positively gay for Obama and acting like a little crybaby just because America's perfect health care system bankrupted him and ruined his life and basically turned him into a senior SS officer.

Score one for the crazies!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Bachmann 2012? God Willing!

God must really have a thing for hot right-wing politicians with questionable grips on reality and nothing but pure Jesus love in their hearts.

HE is always trying to tempt them with his "higher callings" and cryptic messages from heaven above. First it was devoted servant of the lord Sarah Palin who was forced to resign as governor of Alaska to pursue her higher calling of becoming Queen of the Facebooks and head ruler of Twitterland. What can you do when it's God's will?

But taking our sweet Alaskan bunny out of the political arena a year and a half before her term ended wasn't enough to satisfy Mr. Fickle Creator of the Universe.

Now he's got his sights on Minnesota's own crazy lady Representative Michele Bachmann, a remarkable women who "began her political career simply, as a Christian mom concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks, but today has become one of the leading defenders of liberty and conservative principles on Capitol Hill."

Well Minnesota's own Virgin Mary Michele Bachmann may just be gearing up to show her true freedom-defending color (white) to the world as a possible GOP presidential candidate in 2012--if a certain special someone wants her to that is.

"If I felt that’s what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it. When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I’ve said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it. That’s really my standard. If I am called to serve in that realm I would serve. But if I am not called, I wouldn’t do it."

What is God waiting for? Did HE forget? Lose his voice from coaching Sarah? Perhaps it's some kind of test? Why else would God deny the world the guiding light that is Michele Bachmann? He did it for George W. Bush--with spectacular results!

Besides, this wouldn't be the first time Dear Savior called upon Michele to run for public office.
"...God then called me to run for the United States Congress. And I thought, 'what in the world would that be for?' And my husband said, 'You need to do this,' and I wasn't so sure. And we took three days and we fasted and we prayed, and we said, 'Lord is this what You want? Is this Your will?' And He made that calling sure. And it's been now 22 months that I've been running for United States Congress. Who in their right mind would spent two years to run for a job that lasts for two years? You'd have to be absolutely a fool to do that. You are now looking at a fool for Christ. This is a fool for Christ."
Well, at least she got one part right.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Barry Surfs The Internets Just Like You & Me!

It's the weekend and Barry's got the comp all to himself! What on earth will dear leader do with his fun playtime alone on the Internets? Will he friend request Queen of the Facebooks Sarah Palin now that she quit running Alaska to take a full time job updating her Facebook status?

Will he hit up the Twitter like a cool Prez and go tweet-to-tweet with Twitterin' King Charles Grassley?

Perhaps he'll check out and see if there's anything he can do to muzzle those annoying birther thorns-in-his side once and for all?

Or better yet, maybe he'll see what he can do about replacing that broke-ass, old 17-inch screen of his.
I mean the President of the Free World shouldn't be stuck using a Gateway PC running windows XP atop a desk cluttered with an old Dell laptop, a lame inspirational quote mug filled with cheap ballpoint pens, a bunch of folders, stacks of papers, hand sanitizer, and please don't tell me that is a jar of throat lozenges I see near the edge.

Seriously, the dude is one Snuggie and couple of crumbs away from being exactly the same as the rest of us schlubs. Is he trying to make America look bad or something?

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Not Even The Gecko Would Be Caught Dead On Glenn Beck's Program

It's hard to believe that every once in a while in this hedonist playground we call America, terrible and offensive behavior is not rewarded with book deals and talk shows, but actually brings with it certain consequences.

Like in the case of Fox News host Glenn Beck, who experienced first-hand the sort of financial penalty that comes with being an insane racist shrieking nutjob: advertisers flee from you like the god damn bubonic plague.

Big, money-filled companies like Geico, Proctor & Gamble, Progressive Insurance, and Sargento have all yanked their advertisements from everyone's favorite blue-eyed commentator's nightly dose of racist ranting and nonsensical blather known as the Glenn Beck Program.

Apparently, some thin-skinned advertisers have this crazy idea that associating their product with a guy who accuses the president of not only hating the white half of himself but three-fourths of America too, may not be so good for business after all.

According to Northwestern professor and marketing expert John Greening, "Beck's demagoguery crossed the line of the socially expected taste level, and I can't think of a company on the planet who wants to be a part of that conversation. It is a no-brainer to pull your ads."

Whether his show survives "depends on Beck's level of contrition or how he explains it. But unless he does something to rehabilitate himself, he has probably crossed the line into obscurity."

Don't be silly! The good people of America will never tire of their golden-haired angel of truth. The real patriots of this nation will continue tuning in every night to hear the brilliant analysis and unflinching commentary of Fox News' shining star and messenger to the people, Glenn Beck.

All 1% percent of them.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Slick Rick, The Ruler!

Remember that former Pennsylvania senator and certified Republican nutjob Rick Santorum who simply CANNOT see the difference between a man having sex with another man and a man having sex with a dog?

Well, guess what America? He wants to be your next president, and as such, will head to Iowa in early October for the only reason people go to Iowa at the start of a six-month winter: to convince the Republican party's wingnut base that they love Jesus and are ideologically deranged enough to win the Iowa Straw Poll and become the next Republican presidential nominee. Yeah!

Sort of like Mike Huckabee last year. That worked out, right?

Anyway, so crazy Rick Santorum is hoping to be like Mike and channel some sweet Iowa-love in his triumphant return to the political arena since basically getting anally raped in his 2006 Senate re-election bid trouncing. By a Democrat, no less!

So, go Rick Santorum! It's always a treat when everything that's wrong with the Republican Party is rolled nicely into a single, insane candidate.

Plus, I hear Iowa has quite the soft spot for whack job conservatives who believe consenting adults have no constitutional right to privacy when it comes to sexual behavior, particularly deviant kinds like homo sex, incest, polygamy, and bestiality, all of which are exactly the same and equally abominations before the Lord.

But that's not it! Rick also happens to be anti-evolution, anti-immigrant, anti-abortion, anti-gay and anti-anything that even remotely resembles sane, rational thought or intelligence of any kind.

To make things easier, you can just call him the Antichrist.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

All Bark, No Bite? Obama's Presence Enough To Muzzle Town Hall Crazies

Death squad commander-in-chief Barack Obama cares about health care SO much, he's even willing to take on crazed, pitchfork-wielding mobs just to prove to the American people that, contrary to what wise scholars like Sarah Palin say, universal health care does not spell an automatic death sentence for Gramps or baby Trig.

Dear leader Barry Obama was ready to brave whatever gun-toting nutjob or shrieking loon who dared disrupt his New Hampshire town hall with their "scare tactics" like threatening old, frail legislators with a beat-down and bringing loaded guns to the debate. Not to mention all that noise!

So Obama's all juiced to throw down against the town hall crazies asking them, no, begging them to come forward, lower their voice to an audible, not deafening level, and finally ask the evil O man why exactly ObamaCare has them so beside themselves.

But noooo. In the presence of the main menace himself, the loudmouth nut brigade suddenly lost its voice, meaning this town hall was utterly dull, free of violence and a terrible waste of time.

"For all the scare tactics out there, what is truly scary is if we do nothing...For all the chatter and the yelling and the shouting and the noise, what you need to know is this: if you do have health insurance, we will make sure that no insurance company or government bureaucrat gets between you and the care you need." Or systematically murders you.

Besides, as long as they have a good product and can sustain themselves, private insurers should have no problem competing with the dumpy government plan.

"They do it all the time," Obama explained. "UPS and FedEx are doing just fine...It's the Post Office that's always having problems."

You hear that people? It's all about choices! Since the government is evil and turns everything it touches into a hellish bureaucratic nightmare, feel free to pay more for the piece of mind that comes with having a respectable private company like FedEx and UPS lose your valuables.

Or your life, whatever the case may be.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Hot Rod Blagojevich's (Pre) Jailhouse Rock Performance

Forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich really wanted to go to the Costa Rican jungle to eat bugs with his lovely wife Patti on the hit short-lived reality show "I'm a Celebrity ... Get me Out of Here!" but some stupid federal judge wouldn't let him just because he tried to sell a friggin' golden senate seat to make a little dough while serving the fine people of Illinois. So what, who cares?

Well, multi-talented Mr. Blagojevich knows how to do a few things other than shaking down Children's Hospitals and styling hair. He knows what the people want and he's not afraid to give it to them. And what they want is more Rod Blagojevich!

So before shamefully heading to the dustbins of political history as the Lego-haired embarrassment he is, Hot Rod Blagojevich gave the world the final star-making performance it'd been waiting for. A true Blago original, this time in honor of his coif-sharing idol: the one, the only, Sir Elvis Presley (Al Capone was close though).

Hell, he loves performing so much he'd do it even if he wasn't paid. Which he was. But he might give some of the money to a charity for cancer patients. Maybe. If they're really lucky he just might throw in those luscious brown locks. Free of charge.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Aw Snap! Hillary Lets World Know Which Clinton Wears The Pants Now

Poor old Hillary Clinton just cannot get a break. First her limelight-hogging husband Bill swoops in to rescue those two lady journalists from the bad Korea and become a world-wide hero, while Madam Secretary sat alone on the sidelines with no one but Al Gore to comfort her.

Now, Hillary travels all the way to Africa, specifically to the Democratic Republic of Congo, to get a little Sec. of State love and all anyone can ask her is "What Would Bill Do?" It's enough to drive a gal crazy!

So while Hillrod is innocently taking questions in Kinshasa (of all places!), some insensitive Congolese university student had the gall to "ask her for her husband's thinking on an international financial matter."

“You want me to tell you what my husband thinks?” a stunned Hillary replied when the male student asked her what “Mr. Clinton” thought of World Bank concerns about a multi-billion-dollar Chinese loan offer to the Congo.

"My husband is not secretary of state, I am," an obviously irritated Clinton said. “If you want my opinion, I will tell you my opinion. I am not going to be channeling my husband.”

But that's not even the funny part. Turns out the student's translator misspoke, accidentally asking what Bill Clinton, and not President Obama, thought about a possible Chinese loan to the Congo. Oops!

Of course, everyone knows the question "touched a nerve" because Hillary is trying to raise awareness about the plight of women in Africa on her trip, and she can kiss all that goodbye because no one will ever respect women after that little faux pas.

So thank you Bill Clinton for allowing the rape epidemic in Africa to continue unabated all because your wife resents your stupid humanitarian efforts or whatever you wanna call them and, at least in the eyes of Congolese university students, can't even keep her own damn husband straight.

Stupid women.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Tsunami That Is Mark Sanford's Life

When it rains it pours. Unless you're Mark Sanford of course, in which case, it's a tsunami.

It wasn't enough to just get caught with his Argentinean mistress while he was supposed to be roughing it in the Appalachian wilderness or having his wife announce she's leaving him shortly after their two-week European jaunt to repair the marriage failed to fix anything except the delusion that Jenny may still want Mark back.

No, no Mark needed more to really make 2009 stand out as the opposite of that lame Russell Crowe movie and qualify as the worst year of one painfully unslick South Carolina governor's life.

Luckily, he got just what he needed. Turns out Mr. stimulus-rejecting welfare queen Mark Sanford improperly used state aircraft for personal and political trips, even carting around those god-awful wife and kids--all in violation of state law. Yikes!

And you thought banging South American hotties on the sly was the only improper thing this tight-fisted, wasteful-spending hating Republican star governor of South Carolina was capable of. Puh-leese!

He knows how to squander state funds with the best of 'em! Like taking private jet's to his kid's sporting events, all-important hair and dentist appointments, book signings, birthday parties, Christmas tree lighting ceremonies, and other pressing, high-level state functions.

What he will not do however is accept federal stimulus money for something frivolous like South Carolina's public schools. Not until every last state employee uses both sides of their Post-It notes and understands the importance of stretching every dollar as far as it goes.

All the way to Buenos Aires if you're really good.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Sarah Palin Won't Let Obama's Death Squads Kill Lil' Trigger

In her first "communication" since officially resigning as Empress of Alaska and warning the evil media to quit "makin' things up" like the nasty rumor that America's favorite Alaskan ice duo are going the way of Levi and Bristol, Sarah Palin took to the Internets to rail against President (?) Obama's Nazi-esque health care reform to kill her infant son Trig (gasp!) and all other undesirables, especially retarded babies and old people.

Now, Sarah is understandably very upset about the situation, which is why she took to her favoritest Facebook to warn the nation about Obama's gruesome call for mandatory execution-style murder of all Down Syndrome babies.

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

When lives of precious babies (Palin or otherwise) are at stake, there is absolutely no time for Sarah to worry about specifics such as reality. That's where "official" spokeswoman Meg Stapleton comes in!

When asked where the hell that unemployed Alaskan maverick got her information about Obama's plan to kill Trig, spokeswoman of the year Meg Stapleton pointed to page 425 of the House Democrats' bill, which contains a section referring to, "a list of national and state-specific resources to assist consumers and their families with advance care planning consultation for seniors, including voluntary discussions of living wills, power of attorney, or the decision to reject extraordinary measures of life support.”

At least Herr Ă–bama could have the decency to say what he actually means instead of hiding his murderous intentions in seemingly benign phrases like "consumers and their families."

Clearly, sociopath Barry's health-care overhaul would not only pressure senior citizens into killing themselves, but also specifically target little Trigger and who knows, probably even Sarah's entire family. I mean how old are her parents anyway? Definitely too old for Obama's tastes, and frankly, mine as well.

Luckily, we have a genius like Sarah to read between the lines and bring us the truth about Obama's death squads. And to think, she almost gave all this up to do something stupid like actually complete her whole elected term as governor. Thank goodness for higher callings!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Jenny Sanford Is So Outta Here!

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can He Turn To?

Long-suffering Stepford wife Jenny Sanford has finally said good riddance to her no-good, two-timing, scoundrel of a governor husband, Mark Sanford, announcing she is moving the hell out of the Governor's Mansion and taking her four sons to Charleston. For real!

Jenny's surprise "F You" to hubby Mark comes upon the family's return from their joyous two-week vacay across Europe to patch things up one month after Gov. Sanford tearfully admitted that "hiking on the Appalachian Trail" really meant banging his hot Argentine mistress in a cozy Buenos Aires motel some 4,933 miles away from the nagging wifey and kids.

Soooo, umm I guess you could say the trip didn't go so well?

"I am so thankful for the overwhelming support and prayers we have received from people all across South Carolina. I am literally in awe of how blessed we are to have such love and support from family and friends, old and new."

"It is with this support, and after much careful and prayerful consideration, that I have decided to move back to our home in Charleston with our sons for the upcoming school year. From there, we will work to continue the process of healing our family."

Like finding a husband who is not a total douchebag.

"While we will be leaving Columbia, we will return often, and I will remain engaged in activities in my role as first lady, acknowledging that my responsibilities to my family come first."

Unlike some two-faced, good-for-nothing, drama queen governors who shall remain nameless.

"Once again, when it comes to personal family matters like this, I respectfully ask that members of the media allow us to go on with our lives in peace."

Hear that MEDIA? Stop making her husband shirk all responsibilities as governor of South Carolina in order to rendezvous with his Latina lover and then hold endless, weepy press conferences about how God loves cheating Republican hypocrites who run their state--and marriage--into the gutter.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Disgruntled Conservatives Turn Their Teabaggin' Wrath To ObamaCare

The Republicans are not happy with that ambitious Obama or his un-American plan to turn the nation's health care system into a government sanctioned holocaust of the old and unborn. In fact, they are steaming mad! So mad that they are willing to do anything, anything, to stop Comrade Barry's deviant quest to socialize medicine and ruin America, including saying whatever crazy sh*t they think will freak the public out most.

Let's call it the GOP strategy of desperation and lies. They use it from time to time, whenever they find themselves at the mercy of an uppity commander-in-chief with legislative majority and . They've tried everything: secret Muslim terrorist, Kenyan-born socialist, arugula-eating elitist, but nothing seems to stick on this guy! What is a GOPer to do to get America to hop off the Barry bandwagon?

It starts with conservative whispers about how Obama's health reform is the first step toward a totalitarian dystopia in which the government kills off the old and unfit. Next convince the wingnut base that brought us those delightful tea parties that this nightmare vision where doctors and government conspire to kill Grandma and Grandpa for fun will soon be reality, if psycho Barry gets his way.

The seeds will then be sown for revolts and uprisings at town hall meetings across the country, where unhinged protesters can disrupt constructive debate on health care reform by burning effigies and spewing hysterical nonsense against Emperor Obama's doomsday health care plan to murder the elderly and infirm.

I guess you just have to tip your hat to the Republicans for their brilliant strategy of shrieking like madmen whether anyone's listening or not. It's the next best thing to being right!

Blah, Blah Socialism!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

When Will The Chosen One Choose The Gays?

After eight loooong years of George W. Bush, those insatiable gays were finally ready for a president who doesn't believe Hurricane Katrina was God's way of showing his disapproval of their sinful lifestyle.

So when Barack Obama actually defeated that nice old man from Arizona to become America's first half-black president in history and the first semi-gay friendly prez in almost a decade, Americas' queers were overjoyed. Could Obama be the rainbow messiah they've been waiting for?

For starters, he wasn't afraid to say the dreaded three-letter word most candidates find any excuse possible to avoid. He called them by name. He said the word gay (gasp!). At not just when when he had to. But at black churches, in his speech to the decidedly non gay-loving NAACP, and even on election night. In all fairness, he also mentioned that other hedonist group, the atheists, and they're even worse than the gays!

Yes, Obama seemed a far cry from the country's straight white presidential past, and so while he worked to stimulate the economy back from the ravaged pit of despair left in Dubya's wake, figure out exit strategies from not one but two wars, help protect the environment, and reform health care so that uninsured Americans have more options than what color wooden casket they'd like, gays and lesbians sat patiently waiting for him to answer their prayers for equality.

In the meantime, momentum for the gays keeps building--in the courts, in legislatures, in the gay meccas of Iowa and New England. Hell, even freakin' Dick Cheney suddenly showed a soft spot for the gays, and not just cause daughter Mary is one of 'em but because he cares about justice and equality for every citizen of this great nation. Ha ha I'm just playing, it's totally because of her, well that, and the fact that he'll do anything to give Barry a hard time.

So the question remains what's a gay to do with Barry? Should they hate him for not doing more to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" or the Defense of Marriage Act? For not waving his magic wand and instantly granting America's favorite scapegoat of sin the rights they always heard about but never had? Rights that convicted felons enjoy like the freedom to serve in the military or have a quickie wedding in Vegas by a priest who also happens to be Elvis.

Some, like GLBT rabblerouser and big-time Democratic fundraiser Bruce Bastian, think this is a moral battle, and with truth on their side, it's time to stop being so god damn understanding.

"The President and Congress have really big items on their plate. I’m sure some politicians think, Why can’t the gays be patient? Well, every day that we’re patient we have more gay kids killing themselves. We have more soldiers getting their careers destroyed. We have more religious bigots convincing people to stay in the closet. You can’t get rid of bigotry with legislation, but you certainly can stall it. You can shut it up. Every day that we sit quiet and stay patient, we are losing people."

In other words, less articulate cogent arguments, more insane ramblings and mind-blowing disregard for reality. Just think of it like a Birther and ask yourself "What Would Orly Taitz Do?"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Hero Bill Clinton Frees Ladies From Pint-Sized Dungeon Master

Mission Accomplished!

Bill Clinton saves journalism! Okay, well not exactly, but he did save those two American journalists,
Euna Lee and Laura Ling, from 12 years of HARD LABOR in some crazy North Korean prison camp.

In a hush-hush, secret mission to secure the journalists' release, America sent its best schmoozer William Jefferson Clinton to sweet-talk Kim Jong Il into reconsidering the harsh sentence and issuing a "special pardon" for the jailed reporters. The kind of pardon only a "special" kind of dictator can give.

So, basically a giant Bill Clinton is sent to the bad Korea to chat up its tiny but unhinged leader Kim Jong Il into believing Euna Lee and Laura Ling were not engaging in "hostile acts" as sworn enemies of the state but simply two scared, lost journalists who accidentally wandered in while working for an old pal of his, Al Gore's hippy-dippy TV channel Current.

Good guy, that Al. You remember Al, don't you? The boring stiff with no personality who became vice-president, invented the Internets, lost the White House, then saved Mother Earth? Sure, he can be a bit stand-offish but he didn't mean any harm. Trust me, the guy wouldn't hurt a fly. No joke. Besides, the journalists were both from San Francisco and you know those kooky Californians!

Anyway, to make a long story short, Slick Willy worked his magic on Kim Jong Il, winning the release of the two young journalists, Euna and Laura, with his wit, charm, and savvy diplomacy like pretending this visit means North Korea is not some dangerous Hermit Kingdom led by a diminutive demon with nuclear aspirations and deteriorating health.

Clinton apologized on behalf of the women (honest mistake!), relayed President Barack Obama's deep gratitude, praised their release as proof of North Korea's "humanitarian and peace-loving policy" (their words) and said the visit would "contribute to deepening the understanding" between North Korea and the United States. Scout's honor.

And for his troubles, our hero Bill Clinton will have the pleasure of spending the next 5,946 miles or 10 hours and 50 minutes accompanying two, attractive Asian women--giddy with the freedom they owe to the brave, tireless efforts of a certain former president. Who just may have a thing for Asians.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Barack Obama Celebrates His "Birthday"

Happy Birthday Barry, that is if you were even born and not immaculately conceived in the town of Bethlehem some two thousand years ago.

If it is indeed true that Barack Hussein Obama was actually birthed from the womb of his white Kansas mother as he claims and not hatched from a primordial egg in outer space, the President of America will celebrate his 48th year of consciousness today.

He'll spend the high holy day in closed door meetings at the White House where he will plot with the entire Democratic Senate caucus how best to turn America into the Soviet Union and whether he wants chocolate or vanilla birthday cake this year. Ugh, decisions!

Hell, maybe this year Barry will even go out on a limb and go with a nice mix. Marble cake anyone?

John McCain Says No Me Puedo To Sotomayor

Remember that old man with the sassy daughter and hot RICH wife whose biggest accomplishment other than getting beat to smithereens in a Hanoi prison cell was to unleash Sarah Palin upon an unsuspecting world?

Well now John McCain can add another notch to his already impressive resume: opposing the first Hispanic Supreme Court nominee in the history of America...for no good reason! Kudos Johnny!

The ever-savvy decision maker Gramps McCain simply will not vote for that Sotomayor lady on the same sound political rationale that most Republicans have for opposing a Democratic nominee to the Supreme Court: judicial activism (gasp!). The secret term for how this Hispanic lady might seem all nice now, but as soon as she gets on the high court, you can be sure she's gonna turn into one of those crazy liberals who "legislate from the bench" any time they make a decision Republicans don't like.

It has nothing, nothing, to do with the fact that HE should be the one nominating a Supreme Court justice instead of that annoying Barry fella who may or may not be a citizen of these United States.

"The American people will be watching this week when the Senate votes on Judge Sotomayor’s nomination," McCain said. "She is a judge who has foresworn judicial activism in her confirmation hearings, but who has a long record of it prior to 2009. And should she engage in activist decisions...if she uses her lifetime appointment on the bench as a perch to remake law in her own image of justice, I expect that Americans will hold us Senators accountable."

They will Johnny, they will! But seriously, everyone knows you haven't cared about accountability since selling your soul after that embarrassing loss to George W. in 2000.

Which is good because now Johnny doesn't need to pretend to not be a racist anymore like he did for a little back in 2007 during the big immigration reform fight. But that didn't work so well, so it was back to wingnut land for Johnny en route to winning Republican nomination before losing both the election and the respect of the world for seriously trying to pawn off that Palin woman as a legitimate vice president candidate.

Well, now John "Salsa" McCain is in serious jeopardy of losing his 2010 Senate primary in the Mexican-filled state of Arizona, to a guy who runs around shooting border-hopping Mexicans for a living.

Anyone who goes around killing illegals with their buddies for fun and to preserve America is obviously one of the more important people on the political right, and as such, will be a difficult opponent to beat come 2010.

Of course Johnny knows that which is why he will not vote for that Latina So-So lady in the hopes of showing everyone he loves America and hates Mexicans enough to be Arizona's proud senator once again!

Blech, Mexicans!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Are America's Fave Alaskan Ice Duo Going The Way Of Levi And Bristol?

With Sarah Palin now gone as Empress of Alaska and all the boring talk about healthcare and racist, beer drinking cops throwing a few back with the President, August has certainly lived up to its reputation as the painfully slow news month when the media will listen to any kook and nutjob who says Barry is an ILLEGAL just to have something to fill their 24-hour news cycle.

Not anymore, because it looks like the Palin Family Circus is once again stepping up to the plate. Yeah!

But is the heart-wrenching rumor that America's favorite couple from the snowy north is getting a divorce true or just another evil liberal media concoction designed to hurt sweet Sarah and her loving family? So hard to tell...

Sarah of course has taken to the non-mainstream media outlet The Facebook to denounce the nasty divorce rumors on her spokeswoman Meg's page as pure fiction and just another example of mean-spirited journalists makin' things up again.

Let's take a look at the evidence. was also the first website to report the joyous news that Sarah Palin was running for governor of Alaska and was picked as John McCain's VP candidate--is citing "multiple sources" (including a former Palin staffer) that the Palin's are heading to splitsville. Gasp!

According to the report, the Palins were noticeably not speaking to each other for most of Sarah's farewell speech and weenie roast in Alaska last week. As if that weren't proof enough, after swearing in the new governor, Sarah ditched former first-dude Todd and made a quick getaway with Piper and son Trigg sans the hunky hubby, who was left to fend for his manly self.

Sarah also apparently removed her wedding ring a couple weeks ago and recently purchased land in Montana even though she is originally from Idaho. Is Sarah considering moving her family from wondrous Alaska to the sinful lower forty-eights?

Todd Palin also told Fox News last week that he was heading back to his job in the oil fields of Alaska, but after recently signing a book deal worth $11 million, you betcha' you won't find Miss hoity-toity slumming around oil rigs anymore. Leave that ne'er-do-well baby daddies like that scuzz bucket Levi Johnston.

As for the National Enquirer story exposing previous affairs on both sides as the reason behind the deterioration of their marriage and the stress from this leading to Palin's shocking resignation as governor of Alaska last week, I couldn't say. The Enquirer isn't exactly the Anchorage Times.

But in all fairness, it makes a hell of a lot more sense than quitting in order to serve. Certainly more than that rambling, incoherent resignation speech about basketball, the media, God, and how only dead fish go with the flow.

Don't Worry Todd: You Can Always Hug Your Sarah Cabbage Patch Kid!